BILLY CONNOLLY - BEST JOKES EVER

ladies and gentlemen our first guest is one of the best Comics ever to Grace a stage anywhere anytime he's touring his oneperson show through Toronto Ottawa London Hamilton Calgary and Edington all across this great country of ours please welcome Billy Connelly [Music] the best ladies and gentlemen good to have you here Billy pleasure to have you here now we did a we did a joke about the royal family I hope we didn't offend you oh not I not I I'm not I'm not a huge uh I'm not a monarchist you know I kidding I always thought you were it's like you know the Queen's fine with me and juk Edinburgh they're nice and I suppose they're a kind of nice family but the it's you get all the other ones you know you get this pyramid of the chinless you know you Works its way down to you know you get Jes and LOLs and princes and princesses but then you get like the Martian of bralin and the duut chest of who are these these people and they're all picking up wages every week you know it's kind of you know and they're looking down and F no job you know get off my land oh there's a pheasant peeing in the grass and that's all they do all the [Applause] time but I thought you said peasant but that would be the same story would there's people live next I've got a house in Scotland and there's people live next to very POS talking like that and and the and the toughs in Scotland send their children to school in England they always had always Jing like this and and and and I've got teenage daughters and they sent their teenage Sons or and and my daughter say what were you doing the were shooting yes we are shooting this morning and my daughter Amy said and what were you shooting and he said grass and of course he's talking about gross but it sounds like grass you guys were shooting grass my daughter say you shoot grass can imagine these guys out in the lawn you know got another one daddy right it's a real it's a real Duffer sport isn't it a real Marksman you know changing around to this morning I was out mowing a fox not good at all not good at all H to me no now I I heard something today that uh well I was reading your bio and I think we have something in common you you like you like the motorcycles do you oh I do I've got a Harley it's a was built in Australia it's a three-wheeler I've got two three it's wider than a Volkswagen I don't know why I bought it actually it's it's it's a posing machine you know it's all it's a real show Pony you know and it's good fun but it's got all the all the disadvantages of a motorcycle and none of the advantages of a car you know so so you're behind the traffic or you can't Dodge in and out but you've got no heater you know yeah and I've got headphones I can never hear anything easy talk you know it's a kind of posing machine really I don't so a three-wheel motorcycle yeah have you ever dumped her have you ever dumped her Dr no I've taken it up though and two yeah several times yeah frightens it w so you taken that three-wheeler and turned it into a regular motorcycle it's wider than a Volkswagen you know so in a roundabout when you take one of the wheels up people have coronaries behind you and you you know what's wonderful be being behind someone in a three-wheeler and and you see them in the rear view going what in the name of God is that and see all all the children the back it's weird daddy he's sitting down he's his legs up like this this big white thing it's it's a wonderful feeling yeah oh I'm sure it is yeah I I'll never know but I'm sure it is it's good do you know the guy I bought it from the one I wanted it was a Model T Ford at the back and a Harley at the front fantastic you know with two seats side same technology the same thing but he couldn't part with it so he built me this big purple one what it's a killer you love it oh I'd love to see it I'll s a picture of it I know I have it in Scotland oh all right that's too bad maybe invite me over I'll have a look absolutely why not now I must tell you one of one of your most marvelous performances I enjoyed this film greatly I think it came out around 1997 was Mrs Brown oh Mrs Brown yeah yeah thanks very much proving uh proving to me that uh a lot of great comedians can play a dramatic role to a te I it's it was it's easy when you're with the Judy Judy Dan J D yeah because she's about the best actress in the world and you when the when an actress like that or an actor of that caliber just acts at you you've got nowhere else to go but to but to respond like her and she behaves like herself you know she there's no sort of waving of arms and leaping to avoid Furniture she just gets on with it you know and she always knows her Lance and Bud for a stunt double you know and none of this she doesn't listen like that you know she just sort of does it and in turn you D she pulls out the best in you whether you like it or not and she's a great laugh you know so it's easy off stage and there's none of this taking three months to get ready you can tell jokes at the side and say right and on you go and do it and it's she hits her Mark she does her line that's it that's and she collapses when anything goes wrong she just collapses in laughter and it's lovely a horse that white horse his name is blue but it's a white he white I don't know why it call Blue but twisted around I guess you don't get many blue horses but he's called blue but he farted all the time and you know it must be the oats or The Barley I don't know what to feed them so he made everybody else blue but those with the air but but it was those sort of those trombone ones but the timing of a comedian you know I think I love you and you try you know and when I'm leading her when I'm leading her along like the big hairy Highlander I'm leading the horse and she's up there he could do those walking ones you know those and it's really difficult to keep the straight face he was brilliant and she was just collapsing in a fit and you know I love the way you say the horse was brilliant that horse was brilliant it was a brilliant horse we tried a lot of horses they couldn't do it I used to nied to lean on the horse when I was tired and he just stood there you know I found that cuz I'm scared the horses they're big buggers you know oh they are horses are huge yeah and they sometimes do that weird turning around and having a go you know there and you're do know you know I'm a city boy I'm not a horsey guy hey you slap it Jesus but but you know you're trying to look cool there good horse have you ever seen a horse's teeth this yeah they take a bite out your ass the size of a scun they're precisely that big they're huge now you uh you were nominated were you nominated for a British Academy Awards no I was nominated I for a British I didn't get it somebody else got it you and McGregor got it for train spot I was nominated for a sag and Robin Williams everybody got the prize I get nothing I was nominated for six things Judy got everything I get absolutely the Scottish bafter the Scottish Academy I mean she you get it there for turning up really you know I I was halfway out my seat of my speech written I it went to some feminist documentary I nearly broke my heart yeah I I get nothing I mean nothing wrong with feminist documentaries if you're dead no there's there's nothing I love more than curling up in front of the Telly when there a good feminist documentary and I love to hear men being slapped into place you bet I uh just allowed my wife to go out and rent one last night that's very nice that's lovely my wife bring me what yeah why am I in trouble God and the woman who did it she was like a talking Hatchet and she was her eyes her eyes were in line vertically and and she and she was the hostess of the show and the winner is oh it's me [Applause] I said you ugly beast give me that you liar you cheat you fraud it was all about how horrible men are man never ask me out Jesus I I oh and I was nominated for a sag the screen actor's guild in America Robin got that Robin but that was so yeah cuz you you nominated by other actors yeah and all all those guys Robert Dao and all these guys hanging out you know because they had Bob oh the serious guys oh yeah Bob and Charlie and those guys course fabulous yeah I'll tell you if Robert Janeiro been in Mrs Brown he would have had sex with the queen to prepare he would have done it with a gun to her head with a gun to her head I'm sure that would have been necessary it was great oh it's a smash see do you know what's nice and me sincerely it's nice to have made a film making a film's a great thing it's like making an album or a CD you know you've got something that'll last but with a movie mine are still on the shelves you're right they last forever they're in sounds for anybody to see but but when you're in something like Mrs Brown you know it's going to be around you know when your kids are growing up and all that they kids and say look there's an example of a good movie in you in it it's nice nice thing you've left you've left quite an example I mean plans to die understand well you just finished making another film Beautiful Joe with Sharon Stone I did that was nice too but it's a different thing Sharon's uh uh an ambitious kind of person you know she's a modern Hollywood ambiti whereas Judy is a soft stage actress and oh darling this and darling that Sharon is you get over here you know she's but I don't mean to reminds me a lot of the horse blue you do what you're told do what your do she's a kind of she's a kind of woman that women kind of like she scares men you know she you know she always scares me I must I can see that you know I mean if Cheng don't come on to me I'd run away I would be scared in case I didn't do it right you know i' I'd make an excuse and leave you know oh God my mother's dead you know oh no Billy Conley L and gentlemen do not miss this man he's playing all across this great country be in London Ontario tomorrow ke's Advocates when we return

Channel: MyTalkShowHeroes

Views: 4,065,788

Keywords: mytalkshowheroes, Billy Connolly, Standup Comedy, Best Jokes, Comedian

Id: BoPkq-G0s1c

Length: 12min 9sec (729 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 19 2016