Bill Burr - Marriage/Relationship Problems - Jim Norton & Sam Roberts

well bill bill burr welcome I've seen you more like literally in the last two weeks and I probably have the year before that you've been like depression because I went down to the cellar you know and I I didn't the only familiar face it was Gary Gulman oh yeah yeah I saw William Stephenson and I was just like oh my god somebody I know Gary's been gone for a while too and then he kind of came back like six months ago but he was gone for a little while yeah so because you don't realize that you leave but then while you're gone everybody else leaves too so then when you go back it's this isn't the place you left Sam is this is saying out there you can never go home I guess that's what and I never knew what that meant till I got old talking about go home all the time right right flight right home what does that mean though it means you can't go back to what it was right now it's gone it's a better time Jim it's a it's it what we're not leaving a place we're not leaving a person leaving a moment in time and that moment in time it it floats away so what do you have to do every day Sam cherish the moment cherish and live in the moment that's well said what were you gonna say isolate sexually and pull your blinds down you can never go home unless you're going home to masturbate furiously yeah seventh time this week you get are you like I find myself you all get like thinking about [ __ ] and getting depressed but not even depressor just said and missing things and like yes ice white so then I went and I I did my set or whatever and then there's all these new comics who literally looked like children who are our age when I felt I was old then uh-huh and I was like hey what's up and all that I was just getting all [ __ ] you know I was like I'm just sitting there go on Patrice used to sit there Jimmy would always sit there whereas Collin was Bobby and all that stuff so I kind of said I guys good night and I just walked away and I was like I'm ants and I went out because it was raining out there was no one in the village and I'm like oh is all the action in Brooklyn now like yeah just ran I started walking up 6th Avenue and had all these memories of me Bobby Mousavi agree Ryle walking up to like a diner and [ __ ] and I was like dude I got to get in a cab all right gun in my mouth by 18th Street so I ended up going up the street yeah I kind of a went back I still have an apartment here and I finally like went into the kitchen of it and I had all these old pots and pans that I got you know let it gotta be like Target you know the cheap-ass ones you put the flame up and you feel like it's gonna come through the bottom I finally just I had a mix of that and DeRosa used to rent my apartment so it was a mix of his old bachelor [ __ ] which it was just I just put it all in a bag and just threw it out I was just like I got to move forward in Bed Bath & Beyond spent like 400 bucks on brand-new pots and pans so I could actually [ __ ] cook like a goddamn human being but you know who's in the cellar the other night for the first time in a while he was I think it was a Friday or Saturday remember Mustafa the door guy he was there for the first time I talked to st Saturday night she said he was there and I was like ah stop a little bit of talk to him yeah how do the young comics treat you do they like is it are you just hanging out or they like would neck like are they happy you're there or is it a chill vibe or what is it um yeah I think they're fine and everything are you doing a blah blah blah blah blah and then you just you just watch them coming up just being I know this the young Bobby you see it there's the guy he's gonna be holding courts let the young Bobby stop way up the steps yeah it's just one of those things so it's that weird thing this [ __ ] city where it's like when you're in your 20s it's your city and you don't realize it because you're living like a [ __ ] animal right and then like when you finally get somewhere it's like by the time you get there everybody's [ __ ] you know married gone whatever and yeah you just kind of come down there like yeah you can't really come back and enjoy it now that you can't enjoy it there's nothing left to enjoy that but then even if you got it back then everyone would have resented you for so you really can't [ __ ] win so really made me think like I'm really happy I'm married and I have a kid because then I just set it up face time in my kid and I had a great time and right because she didn't want to talk to me she's like no no no she waves her hand like Anna I'm busy my food here Bobby still works there though I'm still there a lot Keith Robinson is still there a lot and Colin Stoll I'm eeen it's just that it depends if you catch every there at the same time it's rare but most a lot of the same guys still go there but it's not same of course yeah yeah you know people of people got older yeah all right now that I've brought it down no I find myself wrap it up for Ephesus family and it's good cuz you'll let everybody know no matter how successful you get even if all your dreams come true you're still gonna walk down the street depressed yes still it all just goes away like raining like misting and was a perfect Sex in the City walk was it Miranda whatever her name is Samantha yeah my wife still watches that show the fact that I corrected you quickly we should both be shot you were trying me for knowing it yeah she's doing a monologue to your laptop in chat writing like this city will eat you up and spit you it's so campy it's crazy like I did this thing I kind of stopped doing it because it was ruining the show for her but that one was a Kim Cattrall right yeah beautiful right but like they gave her character the same joke every scene for however me so I always so he's reinforcing her character so anytime she tells the joke I think I've already told said this on your show but I'll be in the other room whenever she delivers the line I'll be in the other room and just be like cuz she's sticking her head in the writers in like anything can she can she grow tomatoes in a garden just something give her some other yeah that was her the whole thing though right just being a [ __ ] she's [ __ ] everybody right well I think you know that's I guess us being in cave men we should say that you know how come if a guy does it we should say that she was she was sexually liberal good a women know that that's okay like you if you're the one who [ __ ] everybody in your group of friends you're just the Samantha yeah but the thing is is she talked about it so much it seemed like she was looking for attention it seemed desperate right that's how I broke it down like nobody's talking about sex right now why are you bringing this up yeah we're talking about shoes here and all of a sudden you know right get it it's your identity you have something yeah vagina you use it right it's yours have it I can imagine of a guy doing that every [ __ ] thing you do when he's talking about putting his dick and they probably weren't really trying to write that like let's just make her how guys talk you know how guys are always talking about [ __ ] everything let's make her the equivalent of that and it's like that's not Beach steaks and talk about [ __ ] things yeah are they women like that I guess there are I mean women around each other talk brutally but [ __ ] dick size yeah but not only that but are there any women that know how they just kind of do it on stage yeah that's true like the biggest dick joke comics I have to go on now our female comics yeah it's [ __ ] hilarious you're sitting back there it's taking me back to hell gigs doing Jersey and chicken how the [ __ ] am I going after this your scribing your [ __ ] uterine lining Wow yeah emergency yeah music no I just I just take him to you know fight off [ __ ] you know you know just because I can't get to sleep till 2:00 in the morning with all the depressing thoughts and everything sure because I'm not drinking right now you know so that's usually how I handle being on the road you know yeah you know not being able to go home my family's not there what I do jimmy is I go out and I get I get just right to the point of passing out so I could walk it down in my own apartment not realize there's no one else there and just faceplant into the bed then wake up the next day and go yeah but you you try to skip those feelings why'd I stop just because I I'm gonna shoot a special I know in the next few months and I don't be that [ __ ] guy who tries to dry out in ten days all right and then you have that that's even a worse look you're better to just keep boozing at that point see like hey he's living the life as opposed weird sort of beginning of rehab yeah you know I don't know I've just been reading up more on health stuff I got a kid now so I kind of have to like I got it every once in awhile I just sort of tap out for a good you know one month to six months to a year or something like that so I was watching this great thing last night what kind of drinker are you I was watching this English guy and you know the way they drink is you know they have and they you know the doctors have the same thing the amount you're supposed to drink in a week and he's like doing like he has the app and [ __ ] like that he's like all right I drink twice this in a night you know and just the way he was like he had that same thing that I have works like I'm not an alcoholic but if you put it on paper it's just like well then what are you yeah you see you're not you're not a you're not a [ __ ] how many out of 20 did you answer yes to because they have that whole there's a test you could take are you an alcoholic 20 questions so until you're taking that test no but it's also like I just when I stop sucks for three days and after four days it's like I could really just never do this again right so I don't like wake up with shakes like I needed and yeah you know start lashing out at people you're missing clothes you're missing out on stuff no but I definitely got to a point where I wasn't able to just have one socially like right just like all right we're doing this would you see the ESPN you see the 34:30 Ric Flair movie they did yeah I did was amazing it was amazing I think I felt it should have been at least six hours long but I liked that his was still like two hours long or something it was but they started going through his drinking stories and it was clearly alcoholism to the point that he was in the hospital like a year ago and they're like you you have to stop drinking but there was no sort of violins or anything it was just funny that he went to the doctor and he was like yeah I drink 15 drugs a day he does that him lying though and just over sedating what he does cuz now there I mean there's many witnesses to all this activities yeah oh yeah he's like 15 drinks a day and the doctor is like how often he's like whoa every day for the last 30 years and it's just it just my favorite favorite thing just being a comedian because he's the best guy ever to do the interviews like it's not even climbing the rock was amazing but like he's the best ever and someone said did you have writers did you did you did you work in above when he goes he just laughed he goes right as he goes like because I used to come up with half of that [ __ ] on the car ride over from the airport that's just like you know that's like high-level performance well you you just come up I'm gonna talk about that and you just go out there and he could feel the crowd yeah and adjust to their energy and all that he's a lunatic we've a great set of like that [ __ ] promo like bad rest incredible to watch I would have loved though to have been like driving past Ric Flair and just see him kind of half mumbling his promos to himself as he was trying to figure him out just kind of getting into Ric Flair mode as he's driving like well the thing about that guy is when you listen to him like he loved being it oh my god but and and then he loved the fans being interested in him he loves being Ric Flair he loves doing that and I actually went to the the premiere that 34:30 oh I had an act in Atlanta and the guy who directed it and I got to go to it doing the stores he was telling and he's just so open they go you know how uh how faithful were you free how long were you faithful to your first wife and he's goes aha he goes like three days yeah she was there and he was just going like you know I was he was just so honest he was home with his wife and kid he goes I was just bored I was born like the the social pressure to be like you know and then I got a whole new perspective I understood he could just sit there and be like now his bored right I had the Hallmark life and I was bored and it was just like he was meant to be out there in front of people and for some reason I don't know I guess it's looked I guess when you heard other people that's a bad thing but I mean it was it's looked down on that now he's a [ __ ] rock star he wasn't worried about missing birthdays and doing all this other stuff he was like there's so much fun out here I don't know why you would want me to be at home at this kid's birthday party even if it was my kid what wife that bad for they definitely the homo monogamy thing was not his thing at what point is the ex-wife okay with that like just to go out there with another people like cats whatever it's cute I think when the nine millionth person just goes like dude you married Ric Flair like what did you think was gonna plant him blonde hair down to his shoulders yeah walking around with hooker boots and tights on me what did you think this guy was gonna do yeah they they show a farmers market they showed him like cutting these promos and he would go like in front of the audience and he would announce his he'd point two girls in the audience and on television announce his hotel and the hotel room and his wife would be like Rick why are you doing that he's like honey it's all the character and she's like yeah but that's your actual hotel room like we didn't have to yeah actually put the hotel room out there would they ever show up yeah yeah they would the invite was real let's not put him on blast - it's in the dock no it's all in the 30 so he's old now right was he [ __ ] 65 70 years old yeah yeah I think he's in a seven I'm sure he doesn't care now he doesn't care you love he love these stories yeah old guys don't care anymore no no he's 69 I mean he's these are his uh his metal of honor what's is there anything wrong with him or is he kind of holding up right he's okay now I mean he was used bad for a little bit he was in the hospital and what I can't remember if his heart gave out but they look they were they thought he was gonna die for a while right and but now he's back to just just like his wrestling match you thought he was gonna leave back it's all performance with this guy he kicked out at two and now he stays backstage at the shows again like he's just he's back to being Ric Flair I think it's the internet is what you know cuz he you know back when I was growing up but the others territory so I was in the WWF territory and he never really wrestled for Vince until later in his career so I missed all of that so I you know when I discovered him on YouTube and just was one of the great YouTube rabbit holes ever went down like I think I woke my wife up I was crying just crying laughing that first time I saw that my shoes cost more than your house and the guy he was talking to you could just tell it's true he's picking up his shoe he's got it in his hand and he's shaking it at him my shoes cost more than your house I just sit there and like just brag the privilege that you were born I was born with a golden spoon in my mouth just saying I never had to work or anything and then just saying like vos ain't no boss cause it's Donna Karen pulls up the label I mean elements of Ric Flair you know that's for this revision his rings Oh bosses hand rings yeah I I just like have you seen them I just love how rich is one of those guys no matter how classy you dress him he still looks like a dirtbag he's because he's ugly inside you gotta get ready yeah yeah those are bosses I think they're mice and there might be a little bit of photo shoots no way you can do that and you have to play piano if you're gonna be wearing those - was he [ __ ] Fats Domino there yes and yeah there's that that's only two es three he wears yeah five rings on his fake chunky gold ring because he thinks it's time to show off he's a man of a certain means time to show off his success well I agree I love though he has those hacky Rose tattoos why don't you just get a green anchor on your [ __ ] hair it on your shoulder they're symbolic I'm sure of many different things in his life the guy's almost 73 years old that still takes his shirt off you know he looks pretty good he looks great and he comes in and he's got the jewelry and that's how you know you don't want a well-financed you know what I love to he can't just get the polo shirt that has the little polo it's got to be like the giant like it's almost a tattoo whenever you back in the day whenever used to wear those shirts are you okay what kind of shirt is any big and he would literally go out to pull and they look down any laughs well yeah because the problem is if the world goes small there's a chance that somebody's not gonna see it but if it's nice and big everybody knows you paid a lot of money for this but the rings are a new level it's a new level of just kind of losing his mind because for a long time was the car is the BMW whatever say he had to have a nice car right show that he was doing well except he's not good enough buy the cars off eBay and he gay got the thing off the shirt off the outlet stores can't imagine poor Bonnie as he's sitting this showing off those Liberace rings go missus class this is class he's spitting all over the table she hates the last time Bonnie was in she's just saying that all this time she thought that rich was like brilliant and that we were all the ones not quite getting the joke and it's only in the last couple years that she's realized that no that's not what I will say this as a married guy the fact that his wife hates him and he still wears them I love a guy like that oh yeah cuz that's a guy you can call up and if you say you want to hang out you know he'll be able to write unbendable he's unbendable doesn't wholly small you know he really is he's like this is the guy you married and this is the guy I'm going to Maine I'm gonna still be this guy forever I love it's that's probably why he fights so much because that's the one thing I have learned yeah yeah that whole ice you know do a joke about that happy wife happy life it sounds cute because it rhymes but it's literally it's a threat it's like if I'm not happy no one's gonna be happy including the kids in the [ __ ] goldfish did you do that from the from the beginning of being married like now if I'm gonna get married I'm not gonna be one of these guys that falls into married life uh know what I you know you kind of learn your defi a few marry you know someone's smart like I did stupid move they call you out on all your [ __ ] and you know you know if you're actually trying to become a better person they are making some points like when they're ripe it is their own crazy [ __ ] cuz they're crazy you're crazy so and a lot of it is just your I don't know however your childhood was it's like why don't you do things the way my crazy family did it you know right so but ya know she makes she makes a lot of good points well you defuse dangerous che um I go through great Blake enlightened periods by meaning for days every once in a while a four days stretch where I have really good moments but it's it's more her but my new thing is I just walk away when it starts escalating past a certain point I soundproof my garage so I just go out and I'll play drums - like Pantera for like a good half an hour I don't even give a [ __ ] and I get lost in whatever Vinnie Paul lick I still can't do and just slow it down and [ __ ] like that and then I come out how hard is it to do that when you first start like the first couple of times you walk away well I find if I'm gonna make a change I have to say it out loud if I think it it's still buried in all my [ __ ] but I have to just keep saying I had to walk around for like weeks going I don't argue anymore I don't argue anymore and then I got rock yes yeah and I had to say it out loud and there's a lot of this way more power in that if as far as trying to be heard mm-hmm you know to me because that is one of the [ __ ] things like just as being the guy I hate to do like some sitcom [ __ ] here but it's like literally you feel I feel like [ __ ] Bruce Willis and that I see dead people yeah we sometimes the sense did I die or something because I just feel like I'm saying things and nobody's reacting and yeah or this just always push back like literally to the point I'm making oatmeal and she's giving me suggestions and I was just like a little bee like do you see what you're doing this is like a [ __ ] disease now when you say that when you go do you see this here does she go like okay you're right laughs right see last cuz you know if I'm not mad she laughs right if you get mad then they're just like you're a [ __ ] [ __ ] and but it's you know she doesn't really name calls that's the one thing that you know I know through the name-calling through that bill changed me on that you made me realize how [ __ ] up I had been cuz like I like oh yeah name-calling is bad so I did I did eventually fall back into it but I was very conscious of it for a lot of name-calling terrible you want to just destroy your case in court name call yeah I you know I I watched a bunch of guys growing up doing that all my friend's dad's my dad they all did the name-calling thing and yeah I get it just and then it just builds resentment yeah you know yeah plus yeah you lose all ground like you're yeah you're not even speaking logically that's just an emotional thing and you know yeah yeah you have why else would have to literally be like you've got to do that thing like you're making me feel like anytime you say you're making me feel like somehow it's like you went down the porthole and all of a sudden they understand you right but if you're just going like I mean what the [ __ ] I'm [ __ ] standing here making this if you do then you'd even name call it if you tag that with your [ __ ] [ __ ] or something like that then it then they just turn around and walk away which also the brilliant part of them is you can literally be in a moment where you're gonna make a good point and if you get a really really smart woman she'll she'll [ __ ] get you to that point will you name call so she still wins the argument I am convinced to that I'm just figuring that stuff oh all right I'm just blaming her for my I'm just figuring that stuff out now like I've had arguments with Jess for like years where it's the same argument over and over again and why doesn't this work that's it not you it's me and there was this moment like where recently I hope they'll you remember what it was but I'd go like I hate it when you do this because it makes me feel like that she was like oh really yeah yeah that's why I get it but it feels like an admission of weakness when you say hey you make me feel a certain way it's almost like that's probably it you probably want to dominate and say you do this and then win the point we like you make me feel worthless it's like I feel like it's a weak point in your hilarious is if your wife just went you [ __ ] [ __ ] man I marry does it make you feel bad as it makes you hard to say that because you don't want to admit that you're feeling weak or that she's affecting like just the first couple of times but then once you do it and you actually see that oh this is this is how it's affected I have to talk you know he actually listened so yeah that was very I was only like a week or two ago when I actually said was it that or in general how did she make you feel like a natural woman that's what it was no I don't know it was just something that like went back to her like III honestly no III think it was something where I said something to the effect of it annoys me when you do this because I know that that's gonna have you going like that and then I've got to deal with that yeah and she goes really I said yeah and then he went yeah what the [ __ ] and she's like we I didn't know that that's why that it was about me and I'm like what do you think it's about I gotta tell you another thing you can't make that face when you make your point where you squint your eyes and all if it makes me not like you really yeah I probably do that all the time no I'm gonna let another level to your game okay add a pleasant look on your face alright maybe yeah if you could just sit there why did you why'd you think there you go eyebrows up okay and have your eyebrows down okay any my my eyes wide not squint no squint I'm not gonna go really wide you can't look at them cuz then if you have your eyes widen along the way it feels like you're really thinking about your feelings I saw you just do it to me just now when you look down at the tail with the right eyes like man-birds really really coming from a deep place right yeah I wasn't yeah I know absolutely not it was just the trick if it's the table trick sometimes you got to set it up first by telling her what you're not doing like because a lot of times that you don't somebody be defensive so you'll go like look I'm not trying to say that you're a shitty person and then you kind of go into why she's a shitty person but if you set it up by going look I'm not trying to say this I'm not accusing you it immediately takes away the weapon they have up don't accuse me does that work or do they go 5050 okay sometimes sometimes I bet if that's work you took the word shitty out of that I'm just saying that to you I mean I'm not trying to accuse you being dishonest but I've read your text messages and they're not what you told me so calling you a lark but I'm not saying that you know are you going I know that sometimes communication gets weird I don't think this whole by we're gonna [ __ ] him but apparently you are so maybe miscommunicate absolutely I'm not trying to call you a disloyal Pig I'm just saying this might be what happened right right but set it up remove that exit because like you said as soon as you named cual or whatever they [ __ ] they win the argument so if you've got that exit you got to give somebody an out yeah they can they they you got to give that you can't just paint them into a corner because they're gonna come out swinging you got to give them a respectable that was a great thing that I saw you know George Herbert Walker Bush dying where they said the way he handled the Berlin Wall coming down he didn't rub it in the Russians faces like yeah see we were right and you know we won he just he let them you know he let them go away gracefully it was you know right which is kind of all that is disappeared social medias was the worst [ __ ] thing it's just it's awesome it's awesome if you're a performer uh-huh you know to promote your shows but as far as just giving somebody an out like you don't you don't see that much know what's gonna fight you guys want to find a bar or there's an issue with two men no guy most times wants to fight and most guys just don't want to deal with that but you have to give each other a way to kind of back away without being seen as a total coward in front of everybody dude I was at a LA Kings game and I don't know what the [ __ ] happened he's two guys got into it one guy was like he was big and the other guy was was a smaller guy and he walked up I figured what the guy did well he stood up and he got any and some of his beer went on the bigger guy and the guy walked up to him and he just teaches [ __ ] slapped his glasses like sunglasses office off his face and then the guy it was like what the [ __ ] and then he wound up like he was gonna throw the sickest punch ever and he stopped right in front of the guy's nose and the guy flinched and he just laughed at him and he went back to his seat and the guy was just standing there like what the [ __ ] and then the second somebody put the hand in front of him all of a sudden he was the toughest guy ever and then for the rest of the fight everyone was trying to hold him back he had so much time so I was being a dick I was like let him go to calm him to calm down just don't put anything in front of him cuz this that but what the thing was is his wife I think gave him the out because he was just gonna stand there and do nothing she went like that and gave you know like what a good woman yeah that was really cool that she did that because there was nothing to hold back there because he wasn't wait who Flint think big I flinched no no the big guy just totally just I guess the young kid says punked him he just made him he just exposed him for the punk that he was the big guy slapped a little guys glasses off yeah and then the little guy cocked back no I had words and then he just went shut the [ __ ] up but he went like that and the guy flinched anyone like and then it was like a white dude the bigger guy and he looked like his dad had money and just you know I'm just doing all the type so everybody in that section hated him because that's the way it is now I mean you know he's a white guy with a great head of hair so obviously he has problem he's got to be the [ __ ] yeah yeah that's a good one woman who's like you know I don't want you to sheep you know he put the 11 for the guy who had his glasses slapped off yeah sunglasses just seems not like this nerdy guy so and then he was trying to do all that what's up [ __ ] and try to do all of it I actually saw a lot of love in their relationship great that is flat for her too though that's for her too so she doesn't feel like it doesn't dry up yeah realizes she married a guy that what is glass what he's [ __ ] her she just sees like a little red mark on the bridge of his nose do you want to take the beating I mean you gotta throw the punch you just get beat up but now you're talking session you don't you know why cuz nobody knows who the [ __ ] you are and just just leave because the only things gonna happen in that situation is either you're gonna lose or you're gonna win and then you get sued or you gotta get arrested so pick [ __ ] pinion you don't tell me if your wife is there like you have to go back out what are you talking about in the car on the way home like you both know close game thing what you did was the right thing to do but they don't respect you right as a certain part of them don't respect you yeah they want you to swing I think so and they always say the oh I don't I don't want you to there's some women that wouldn't want you to fight to be with an enlightened human being but in that moment I would think that they'd want you I would think that she would [ __ ] him better had he thrown the punch anybody lost I had to defend your owner they feel like they're in some movie yeah Oh rocky for thee that's where the emotions take or emotionally she would love a guy that would defend her but logically she knows that she just wants a like you said an enlightened man yeah you know what some guy that's getting in a barroom fight Simon's [ __ ] ridiculous was a little guy who got his glasses knocked off that's it's embarrassing you think it's embarrassing sure especially didn't mean that spill is beer hey listen I think we've all been that little guy getting his glasses now we've only been that little yeah I've never been the other guy no no me neither you know you didn't bully anybody as you were coming up do you think I had the opportunity to believe people yeah I made some point you were bolder than the kids below you yeah but I was only wait yeah I was still smaller them like I was a growth hormone as a kid I was a shrimp yeah oh you were yeah yeah yeah I started taking growth hormone when I was humiliating like 13 years old oh now I get why you squint when you're trying to make a point it was all those years of looking up into the sunny it's not a condescending thing it's just a thing I was a little fella yeah that's all the way for yes I mean I didn't hit average height until you know the end of high school and by then you know no so worse is when you open up about that kind of paint to your wife or girlfriend and they go like a [ __ ] [ __ ] you didn't have to add that yeah it doesn't make me feel better at all makes you feel much you're like a good dose of sympathy I don't mind a little dosa from Oh from woman if it's justified I don't like people making sounds like they're looking at a puppy struggling to drink out of its dish right that level of sympathy is like oh I can't even function as a human yeah you don't need it oh I like a little do you know if it's warranted yeah something like that I defend a lot of my lunatic behavior though you get into I go well that's why it's decos part of the whole [ __ ] deal right-ho deal the reason why I'm able to come up with material is because I am a volatile [ __ ] idiot and I make a lot of mistakes right hence we get to live a great lifestyle you know you want it you want an even keeled guy is that what you want she's like that doesn't really apply to any one little [ __ ] one-bedroom apartment I've tried that it never worked at all with girlfriends you know don't call me a [ __ ] you like flying first-class what you can't do the name-calling thing oh that's right it kind of is so when you're when your wife points out something that you're like dude you have no real estate left if you call a woman a cutout that's that's like roll credits end of movie yes you probably hit it within the first five to ten minutes where we're going from here it's it's usually the lead necklace you're in diamonds just right non [ __ ] right now no I'm not dating now but just to take it back next time I date so I'm not gonna do that I'm you're not gonna call them a con I know I mean I don't want to get into Iligan you know I tell you Bill really made me think about this [ __ ] I don't want to be in that situation so when your wife funny cuz you taught me about hecklers what about him I saw and I never I thought I told you this one night I saw him at Caroline's and my thing was I was so defensive when I was on stage forget about off stage that any of anybody was talking in the crowd they of course were saying this guy sucks when is the next guy coming on and I would just chop people's [ __ ] heads off right and afterwards they come up we were just ordering and it wasn't until I saw Jim one time just said he goes what'd you say and they said even what they said back he was oh okay okay okay and he just kind of kept going I'm just that was that the I didn't know you could do that yeah but that goes back to the argument with your wife I wasn't yelling at hecklers I wouldn't have been this YouTube guy and have that come up every single time that is my last resort that's my last but then I always make her laugh at that okay you want that even keel cuz you want that guy on top of you that's how you start you like intimacy with you when we I enjoy missionary style looking in your eyes connecting on a human level when you when she points out of behavior that when you're like yeah she's right do you know as soon as she says yeah she's right and like that cools it out or do you have to get through a fight and then afterwards like okay I'll work on them it depends on how much I'm on my game if I'm on my game if she says something she's right you're right you're right yeah I'm bad about that I don't know it gives you so much but it gives you so much credibility if you go Adam every [ __ ] time then you're just a [ __ ] lunatic [ __ ] right a fuse if you actually say you know you're right you're right I'm gonna work on that that gives you credibility for the next time you argue with them because if you're arguing with them and then you don't name call and you say that's making me feel this way it [ __ ] sucks because they don't seem to have to adjust their [ __ ] you know it's always adjusting to their to them yeah yeah yeah hi what I see feels good sometimes though like when I [ __ ] up and I'm still like look I was I was really being I had no right to say that to you and I'm really sorry and they are very always taken by it but sometimes it feels really nice to do that no no it is it is it's definitely it's definitely writing I feel like we're doing the male view right well yeah I think it's it's important we hunt around I mean I still guys squinting your eyes again you really are try it again gradually look okay looking down at the ground you know I just think it's important that we talk about our feelings you see the difference Oshin disgusting I can't look at that every morning I don't mind me open to me like this [ __ ] no I don't like that horrible woman come on Jim I know you can get a trust me I know I don't like I don't like to look down I want to compromise the middle like I don't like the squint is horrible and the open eyes is okay okay look down makes me want to [ __ ] smash your face okay so just try and open okay like don't you think that sometimes we should talk about our feelings I agree you did somewhere with your voice yeah as soon as I said that I was like that sounds like a line you're not ordering a [ __ ] truck just okay yeah but don't you think that sometimes we should talk about our feelings I do is that good that much but you're in your head right now yeah too much attention there's a look down again I'll give you one more shot to looked up maybe I was wrong okay okay but sometimes I feel like we should we should just talk about our feelings it's disgusting okay you don't you hate it I love you it's fake sheepish that's I go it just doesn't feel genuine at all for him looking down like gosh shucks ma'am but yet none of this is genuine no I that looks fake this tecnique him looking at me literally really is a reality show right now yeah I should teach guys how to try and win are doing it wrong firstly with the hidden camera in the house it's like a part of their head it's all parlor trick yeah it's bar rescue but for arguments where you're really just putting new barstools out it's the same same dysfunctional people in the heart getting into the [ __ ] the little minutiae of people's relationships that's fascinates me this what when people do to each other that's right and wrong i'ma tell you at just whatever I told you and I'm telling walking away just like I'm not one of mine arguing with you anymore alright just do what you want to do I'm walking away then they want to [ __ ] they actually want to know what is going on with you it's [ __ ] I've try to actually just sit there and argue with them you just you just it's you'll discover why you're gonna die before she is are you are you I hang up on her in an argument guy will you hang up the phone in argument I saved those because those those really make a statement so you have to look big I'm big on hitting the mute button and then saying what I want to say and then I yeah what's worse than hanging up on somebody and they don't call you back in a minute you're like I'm not done and then you start facetiming back and they're not picking up and you're like oh you pieces I know I'm so weak yeah [ __ ] yeah I tend to when I know jess is right I'll argue to like to the bitter end like we keep the fight going and then I'll improve on the behavior even though I argued about it and then that way I can say why I improved on and I listen to you I was right but I'll never in yeah that's the argument the words I'll never be able to actually just stop and go you know what I am gonna work on that it takes like an hour after we're done fighting but the worst thing happens I do that all the time yes have you noticed have you noticed how much better I've been you know yeah didn't agree I [ __ ] annoying I hate yep except if you don't do it because she's gonna point out all the times you don't change so you've got to point out the times no it really is the whole thing is just a mindfuck it is they're trying to just it's and it's something that is not discussed at all it at all like this this this is this whole [ __ ] [ __ ] out there that women don't have power it's it's ridiculous yeah like you know I did that gig down the street you know it [ __ ] msg I got oh yeah there yes 36 hours later uh-huh after doing that gig standing ovations Madison Square Garden in the round 36 hours later I'm walking on eggshells in my own don't even [ __ ] tell me that you don't have they run the [ __ ] show their genius is that they always depict themselves as victims that's that's the if that's the genius of them yeah and if you call him out on that you sound like this crazy person saying the world is flat because this you know you know this whole [ __ ] pressure out there now to just sit there and just you know you know specifically with white women to sit there and act like like their lives are just like a greased uphill climb it's it's [ __ ] real like you a white woman with blond hair the United States of America like what is the [ __ ] problem people pay attention and I say you don't have problems but look at some other people's problems and compare them to yours and like what exactly is the [ __ ] problem yet this weekend it was like I literally was sitting there saying I brought up something I was like yep my dad keeps asking me about this and it's driving me crazy just didn't asked me about the thing I just said you know in the middle of a conversation I was like yeah my dad is driving me crazy he keeps asking me about this and she goes well what's happening with it and as a Jess are you asking me about the thing I just told you is driving me crazy well you know if your father was right I bet I was like I was like I don't want to I don't want to talk about it right now I just told you trip me crazy she's like what you never want to talk about what why I'm like what I don't even it was it was my new show is not God but but I was like I was like I was like I just dude I just felt something in my chest when she did second that you just said it well you never want to talk about things yeah I was like sure you just roll the window down as you like it's like it's like I okay that hello over home please right cuz it's a gurbin told that in traffic or in the car that you don't want to talk about things come on dude I mean I've been with my wife for 15 years and yeah I've had all of those I've had her say pull over let me out uh-huh dude oh Thanksgiving we I never heard that but I've heard why are you pulling over I know I we had some food some funk and we laughed about it through it this [ __ ] hilarious fight on Thanksgiving when we were prepping the food and all of that and I was over by the basket or something like that like you know peanut potatoes or something and I said something because I was so [ __ ] mad I didn't give a [ __ ] and I just was [ __ ] letting her have it and she just put down the [ __ ] knife or something like that she just came walking over and got right in my grille I can't remember what the [ __ ] she said but she was talking like and next time and I was like she gonna hit me and afterwards we [ __ ] for like an hour were laughing [ __ ] mad and she was laughing how ridiculous was that she got in my face she got in my face like a [ __ ] wrestling promo like she was gonna body slam me and she was so mad I kind of felt like it was going to happen but but she has an incredible sense of humor so you know we're able to laugh off a lot of that [ __ ]

Channel: Jim and Sam Show

Views: 595,176

Keywords: Jim Norton, Sam Roberts, Jim and Sam, Jim Norton & Sam Roberts, Bill Burr, Monday Morning Podcast, Sirius XM, 103, Faction Talk, Comedy Cellar, new comics, New York City, marriage, Patrice O'Neal, apartment, bed bath & beyonnd, sex and the city, kim catrell, alcoholism, vince McMahon, Youtube, Rich Vos, Bonnie McFarlane, fighting, six sense, oatmeal, hecklers, apologizing, relationships, George H W Bush, Ric Flair, F is For Family

Id: FxdUKhmAruI

Length: 41min 15sec (2475 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 04 2018