Bill Burr Makes Joe Rogan Die of Laughter for 11 Minutes Straight

as you see the [ __ ] you know the same people that were going in and out of the house who are not part of their family still going in and out of the house you want people to walk down the street with a mask on let's not start this job let's not start this okay let's get started I don't want to start this [ __ ] I'm not going to sit here with no medical degree listening to you with no medical degree with an American flag behind you smoking a cigar acting like we know what's up better than the CDC all I do is I listen I watch the news once every two weeks I'm like masker no mess still mask all right Mass that's all I give a [ __ ] about I don't care and then everybody want the [ __ ] masks this is like rollerblading everybody [ __ ] rollerbladed and then there was that one [ __ ] homophobic joke and then everybody acted like they never did it and then a hundred million [ __ ] rollerblades got thrown into the [ __ ] ocean we all wore mass and then all of a sudden people are [ __ ] sitting there what you don't have the body type for it dude your [ __ ] Knuckles would scrape on the ground even with that extra two inches I just love how wearing a mask became like this [ __ ] like soft thing that you did what you were talking about so anything that I said I don't watch it I envy you at all I envy that that you just do that you just shut everything down me I every day I check what part of the world's on fire right I don't like hysteria I don't like making decisions with hysteria and I like I I when I first became a dad the hysteria of other parents I would just I would be looking at them but I wasn't listening because uh that's all that's what was the tone of everything we're saying you know better get some sleep now and you'd be like and then anytime you say anything positive about your kid how old's your kid seven weeks oh yeah how is that she's great she's great oh oh wait till seven and a half weeks it's like it's like dude maybe you suck at it yeah how about that yeah you're sitting there with your [ __ ] legs trembling what are you [ __ ] Tom Hannity I don't know who he is no it's not Hannity Hannity was the guy who they they put with that [ __ ] that that like rooster at the end a chicken the end of his life looking guy like here's your liberal dude and all my relatives who are conservative like I mean look at him I mean he's so Meek it's like this thing is cast like a show yeah who was that guy that he was with Henny and combs Combs and though the one guy looked like he was on death's door and he was delivered he was great yeah he was great the other guy looked like a football hero astronaut with the Square Face nice [ __ ] head of hair with the little glasses you look like Mr Burns right yes and he had no spine he had no it wasn't strong arguer I was he was there he was he was the Washington generals and the other guy was the Globetrotters conservative point and then and then like buddy let's just sit down for a second you were on a bicycle you wanted to burn some calories you're obviously into it by the way you're dressed okay laughs you're enjoying America's great Parks right you come across these kids you know do you like kids have you ever attacked a kid before they're just putting a piece of paper up with the point of view like what what do you think led up to that level of a response because I have to be honest like we've all [ __ ] snapped my favorite part was the sound of his the bottom of his shoes you sound like a little show Pony he was trying to growl like a tiger and he sounded like My Pretty Pony like somebody should have been uh combing his hair so um I remember because I was joking with them remember a long time ago the grill 93 this old dick Doherty room I remember that joint so two guys were about ready to go at it in the club the bouncer gets him outside okay and this guy's trying to say his point of view and he put his hand on his shoulder he goes he goes uh he goes no all I was trying to do he barely barely went like that on his shirt and he goes okay first of all don't touch me that's what the bouncer said and just immediately it was here and then if he then it went to here and then those two guys started yelling at each other and then but then I don't know what the [ __ ] he just Twisted the guy up and took him out and I forget who the [ __ ] I was with we will [ __ ] die and laugh and it just became a catchphrase between us where he would come up hey Bill you're working this weekend okay first of all don't touch me just uh you just immediately just I escalated where it just becomes a what the [ __ ] and then first of all don't touch me from 90 of guys is immediately gonna put you in your ego that is beautiful you need one of those in your life bill I do I need you driving one of those this is what I love about my wife as I'll show with that what do you think about that she's like that's a [ __ ] good looking car and she would be cool if I got something like that I think for sure yeah but look at that color I'm too fair skinned to drive that you need olive skin none no more you could pull it off you can pull it off you need one of them Paperboy hats though now that that thing would that thing would [ __ ] that thing would blend too much in with my beard I just look like it'd be the Ginger mobile uh what color would you get we're in high school oh everyone had pubes even in college everyone had pubes the Apex of pubes was the 70s dude I remember like you'd go to the [ __ ] public pool and the chicks had like the bikini there was like [ __ ] coming out the sides but I remember thinking when I was a little kid like oh my God you can see your pubes yeah pubes were hot [ __ ] be on here you want why Joe no big deal you're a clean freak or something look at me I'm I'm cutting up these ashes like it's Coke and that takes me back to Chelsea going around the Apex I have a cocaine memory from uh I never did Coke but uh of this lady doing it I was coming home from Kelly's Roast Beef Joe Rogan Coke wow that's what I'm saying I'm smart enough to realize it's not for me well what about me yeah we were dry I I could snap on weed I don't need to be doing coke we eating an espresso and you're ready to fight how much longevity Holyfield had and Holyfield started as a Cruiserweight I remember when he beat Dwight Muhammad kawi for the Cruiserweight title and then uh gained all this weight to go up I mean when he was a cruise away in the 80s when I was lifting and I was young and all that [ __ ] I was like that's that's the body I want that's what I'm going for of course I couldn't get it but I was like that's the shape I want to be how stupid I look if I [ __ ] look like that oh you look amazing going on stage telling jokes just wear something that covers it up a little bit what a poncho like going out with a big Square about Josie Wheels yeah Outlaws Poncho yeah you flip it over and you got a Mikey to take it out yeah oh my God this is round two look at the people standing up I'm not gonna be heard and things are gonna go in a way I don't want them to be so the second there's a there's a suggestion different than mine I catastrophize in my head and I don't be like well you know what actually I can't do that because I'm doing Joe's podcast maybe I could do that tomorrow I just hear the information and feel like I have no power and then I go oh what the [ __ ] then my wife's like I just asked a question and then I am so [ __ ] up here I have to like it takes it only takes me like two minutes and then I come in but if I put my head to the side of her head and I just go I'm sorry I don't tell you you married a [ __ ] up you blew it you're not gonna you're not good at reading people you have no one to blame but yourself like that I apologize like an [ __ ] be honest with you so I don't know have you gone to therapy yeah yeah yeah what about meditating you ever meditate yeah but I find the guy's voice is [ __ ] annoying you don't have to listen you want to shut up every time I'm getting there he starts [ __ ] talking again and then he's using this really soothing caring voice that makes me face all of that [ __ ] that I didn't get growing up which makes me angry at this person that's trying to help me wow yeah quarantining is not a bad thing if can't say enjoy a sunset Joe you can't do that why can't you but I know why I know you do I know but the thing about you is you can also beat the [ __ ] out of most people in a [ __ ] room so you got that so people can be like oh wow you know they actually want to hear that from you when they see you spinning heel kick they want to know that you enjoy a sunset because like I don't want if this guy's as angry as I am and can do all of that [ __ ] what are my odds of getting out of here so you want to see that out of a guy like you a big guy like you didn't want to see it don't want to see you and join us on set Joe I don't read I don't I don't know what it is I am I am too in here to understand me this is interesting I have a very S I have a very weird thing I have an alley of my personality that works that I somehow turned into a living yeah but the rest of it looks like Fred Sanford's yard old radiators and bed frames and [ __ ] it's a [ __ ] mess it's interesting he did it yeah don't catch me doing that no no Marathon running no it doesn't run at all um no I was not I used to uh ride a bike I did that for a while where I uh I got so into it I remember one time I I actually was drinking in the afternoon and I still had to go on a bike ride I got on a bike [ __ ] face it was sweating this is the 80s too no helmet no nothing and just [ __ ] rode like like 12 miles and I never had heard the expression I never felt hitting a wall at like whatever the electrolytes there was just nothing left and I was like six miles in this East Coast so there's all kinds of hills and [ __ ] from my house and I was like I I don't think I I don't what am I gonna do there was no cell phones like what am I gonna do so I just kept riding and then it was like this five minute like I'm gonna die I'm not gonna get through this and then I just got to the other side where the I think my body was just like all right there must be something like death must be chasing us so we need to go into something else here and I pushed through into that that's what they say happens when you do those Ultra marathons those people they get to a point where they think there's no way they can keep going they're doing 100 miles and they're 38 miles in and they're ready to quit but they just managed to just

Channel: Fans of Bill Burr

Views: 919,354

Keywords: bill burr, podcast, monday morning podcast, Fans of Bill Burr

Id: IuTGdDNSx6w

Length: 11min 0sec (660 seconds)

Published: Sun Jul 30 2023