- You know everything has
just become fucking absolutes. In The States it's fuckin' nuts. Like that Colin Kaepernick guy, right? You knew when he was like protesting during the National Anthem,
no one was gonna listen to what the fuck he had to say. No matter how much he explained it. He goes "I'm takin' a knee
during the National Anthem "this is a protest about police brutality, "the way people of color are treated, we like to open a dialogue." He got about halfway through
that, people are like "My brother's fightin' in Iraq,
you fuckin' piece of shit!" (crowd laughs) It's just like, Buddy, Buddy, nobody is saying your brother
isn't in Iraq fighting, you're not listening. This is about police brutality. "My brother's a firefighter! "He watched 9/11 on television!" (yells) (crowd laughs) Nobody's saying that your
brother's not a firefighter. "I got a bone spur in my heel, I can still stand up
during the fuckin' song!" Buddy, nobody is saying you
can't see a fuckin' pediatrist. All right? You're not listening. That's what it became. You ever try to get abs? You ever try to get all the abs, get that shit down here. You ever try to do it? It's fuckin' impossible! Past the age of 19 you can't
do it without tons of help. You gotta buy all these exercise tapes, you gotta read about nutrition, you gotta get a personal trainer havin' you fuckin' runnin' along. You need like your own chef, and he's like "Okay don't eat it yet. "Don't eat it yet. "All right now, eat it. "Start consuming it. "All right stop, slow down. "Stop, stop, spit it out! "Spit it out! "I told you to stop! "Get on the Elliptical. "You like that Brussel sprout? "Did you like that Brussel sprout, "'cause now you're payin' for it." It's a fuckin' miserable experience. Just walkin' around, your
whole body's eatin' yourself. Y'know, you want some cake? "No, no I'll just take a salad. "Balsamic vinegarette on
the side, no croutons. "Oh my god. "When is the photo shoot? "I wanna kill myself." It's horrible. You ever try to get fat? No, you don't have to. It's effortless. You can fuckin' lay on your back, watchin' your favorite show, just shoveling shit down your throat. "What're you doing?" I'm getting fat. I'm gettin' fat. "You gotta trainer?" Don't need one. It's natural. I just eat everything that
makes my sugar salt go like, "Yeah! "Woo! Yeah!" Comes right in, nice roll of fuckin' flab. I wasn't, I didn't come from a family, I don't know about you guys, I didn't come from a touchy-feely, "Call me when you get
there." (mimics kissing) None of that shit.
(crowd laughs) First time my mom hugged me, I think like once when I was little, and then when I moved out. That was it.
(crowd laughs) Now, we only hugged 'cause
we knew we were supposed to. So we just tried to like, it was like two parking
meters came to life. We almost bumped heads. It was horrific. Fucking horrific. Y'know to this day sometimes
I drive down the street and I think about that hug,
and it's just so, makes me, it's so awful I have to like
shout the memory out of my head I'll just be driving down
the street, just be like (screams and groans) Anybody else like that? You ever have to shout
stuff out of your head? Like there something about me, like, all my regret comes up
when I'm in the shower. I don't know what it is. I think cause I'm in the
shower I have time to think, and I'll just think of
shit I did in third grade. Where I just made an ass of myself, and I just will be in the
shower just bein' like (yells)
(audience laughs) And my wife's always just like, "Is everything okay in there?" I'll just be like, "Yeah, I just accidentally
turned on the hot water. Turned it on too much." "Every day?" (crowd laughs) So... Yeah. I actually asked my mother
one time, when I finally got out in the world and I saw
how other families interacted and I finally asked her
one day, I was like, How come we never did the hugging thing? You know what I mean? How
come we didn't do that stuff? She's like, "Well I wanted to hug you kids "when you were little, but
I was afraid it was gonna make you gay." (crowd laughs) And I was like, "You were
afraid? You were afraid?" And she goes, "Well it was your father. "That's what it was. "Protecting him like I always do. "He was afraid. "He said, you don't
know how to raise boys. "And if you hug them, that's
what's gonna happen so- "In a marriage, you-
there's compromises so-" Yeah. So she basically never hugged
us, because my dad said if she did it was gonna make us gay. And I gotta tell you
that was a great thing that my dad did for me. Let me finish before you
start blogging, okay? And I end up on a split screen
on Good Morning Atlanta. Y'know. "Comedy, can it go too far? "Laugh Night at The Tabernacle." Sit there next to some
fuckin' Cheeto-eatin' blogger. (applause) So, yeah, this is the deal,
I'm gonna defend my dad here because this is basically what
happens, when you have a kid as far as I know. I don't have any kids, but as far as I would think, if you have a fuckin'
kid, what do you wanna do? You wanna improve on your childhood. Okay? You wanna keep the shit that
your parents did that worked and then you wanna get rid of
the stuff that didn't work. So that was my dad, as
fucked up as that was, that was his improvement on his childhood. That he never talks
about, the way a veteran doesn't talk about going to war. Y'know? So I figure, if that was his improvement on his childhood, his childhood just- uh- must've been somethin' like "Don't change his shitty diaper, "let him figure it out for himself. "Get out in the rain, you shitty baby! "Hey, let me handle this, Lady. Why are you still standing
here you shit toddler?" (crowd laughs) So, he took it from that, and knocked it down to don't hug him, it's gonna make him gay, all right? And then maybe some day if I have a kid I'll whittle it down to, he's not takin' drama class, all right? He's not takin' drama class
cause I said so, Lady! Let me handle this! I won't fix everything. Ummm- Yeah, and that's not a
homophobic thing either. That I wouldn't send my
hypothetical son to drama class. Okay? It isn't. I would send, I'd let
my hypothetical daughter take a drama class, okay? My son can't fuckin' do any of that shit, unless I'm sending him to one
of those Fame high schools. Y'know, where everybody's doin' it? One of those creative schools. Go to the cafeteria everybody's like, ♪ Cottage cheese, what is it made of ♪ Right? Then he can do all he wants. Then he can do all the fuck he wants. (funky music)
He gotta get it right.
Did Drew Brees send his son to drama school? Can anyone elaborate for us non Americans?