Bill Burr - Fatherhood, Donald Trump, Fergie - Jim Norton & Sam Roberts

Wow Bill's early good hi buddy perfect perfect dude I'm such an idiot I thought it was gonna be winter back here I got this giant friggin coat this are just smart there's a smart bet yeah it's supposed to be winter looking like I'm in here Purfleet weed yeah bill has a really a really a Randall McMurphy has a very very Cuckoo's Nest oh yeah he coat I thought this was my cooler ball black cat that had the adidas logo on it this is just one of those ones you bite the little [ __ ] newspaper stance yeah I heart New York but you can't win though if you bring your light jacket it's gonna be called hey don't like the weather just stick around for a minute there's like 48 different states that say that who else is gonna be on the showers Louise just talked with the streets benefit tonight I know you're on it I'm on it and bees at Brendan Byrne who else Pete Cory Ellie oh good Bob Kelly Dave Attell cipher sounds it's got a DJ oh wow of course I'm going blank Voss is gonna host as always yeah he's gonna lisp his way through the whole program he really is the worst he insists on hosting every event he thinks he's like this master of ceremonies it's like you're not I actually asked him every year because you know it's just some people in this business you respect and there's other people he just feel bad for wanted to host the Oscars and this is the closest he's ever gonna get so I figure no I love you know everything I've ever done oh no is always rich was hosting all the way back to those [ __ ] a virus virus yeah towards he was always hosting it and it's a [ __ ] hard job and he's great at it he's a halfway decent golfer just in case he's listening I want to keep complimenting him than [ __ ] yeah they [ __ ] ah yeah yeah so he's hosting it's gonna be great I was that's my favorite part is when he just shits on everybody he really who always get him you find a unique way to trash him every year it's one of my favorite things it's one of the things that's just been building up all year and I finally have a chance to say it's Joe DeRosa is also on Sam Jay I don't know Sam Jay Sam Jay who sent one of the newer kids okay like we tried what we try to do was get a mix of you know people that started before him his friends and then people that were influenced sure by by his comment like when we would get Michael che or Hannibal Buress I people like that so obviously Bo Burnham this year would be like one of those deals like get you know to me though those guys are all kids they see on the show I believe he is not listed here Jessica Kirsten's on a Jessica Kirsten yep Jess he was really funny it's a good opener not on it no he asked him as you can tell I don't produce the thing all right the great Maureen Taryn she puts the thing together and then she sends me the list of who's on it like 58 times so when I come on the radio I don't sound like an idiot but I always end up forgetting that's I always forget to I know you're on it I know I'm usually on a tell like this before guys I figured Maureen knows who's on it she told people who's on it so they're all gonna show up so all I have to do is know where it is and when it starts it's at the city center 7th New York City Center at 7 o'clock okay doors open at 6 Jim OH tickets I don't even know if there's a check oh maybe it's sold out now sold out oh this all that Joanne I mean Joe Jesus Christ and half of see children roses on the [ __ ] doors is on it I was gonna say you know when you put your [ __ ] name down that's fire bar right there all right well it's a roast I haven't seen two roast on a while man I'm glad he's coming back around it's no I haven't seen him I think it shows a little superstar out there were in LA oh he's doing always doing now what the [ __ ] the name of the show I'm sorry boss off better call Silicon Valley so my wife's at bed by the way I'm on La time I couldn't get to bed till like 3:00 in the morning so I'm on like five hours asleep air did you fall you didn't fly it yesterday yeah I did get a minute like two I'd land around 2:00 2:30 in the morning no on the afternoon I had like a 6:00 a.m. flight okay I almost missed the flight I got there on time my flight was 24 it was leaving at 6:00 a.m. and then the Gaeta told me to go to was also a JetBlue flight to New York but that one was 124 and instead of left at 7:00 a.m. and I was like 24 124 it's gotta be maybe they just pushed it back an hour so I just put my headphones on and I'm sitting there staring at my gate and over my shoulder over my shoulder my flight is boarding and fortunately a big mass of people got up and moved and had an pissed off look on their face I was like I'll [ __ ] did we get canceled and right as I took it off was like last call oh you're just yeah running down the [ __ ] like a bad Hollywood movie about going to the airport ran down the jet way but it was good man how is the husband a father it's [ __ ] great loving it love it love it I was actually supposed to be here for like four days and I I cut it short shorter just because I had a gig in Santa Barbara and then had a 7:00 a.m. flight and that's just like your kids only gonna be a year old once and they develop so friggin fast like my kid couldn't walk two weeks ago now she's walking so it's just like you miss major things you don't wanna be a Harry Chapin song no but it's like it's awesome and I know you do give up a lot but you don't even remember what it is and your whole new life just becomes you know about them and I don't know I'm surprised how well I've handled it being a self-centered jackass I actually enjoy being kind of background it's fun like I was telling somebody last night like like this past Christmas I went back I went back east for Christmas to meet all the relatives that hadn't met my daughter and everything it was my favorite Christmas since I like believed in Santa Claus really well I just went back in there was no pressure I got married I had a kid I did it so is this okay bill great here she is and I could go be the antisocial jerk off that I am and just go stand in the corner drinking some eggnog and it was it was it was really uh you know you relate to adults differently people that you knew forever and I always hate it when somebody who didn't have a kid goes you don't get it man you don't get it too you have when I was like [ __ ] you I get it it's like a rehabbing a dog but it's more intense I hate I grudgingly admit that they were right however what I learned from that is I'll never do that to someone who doesn't have a kid like going like you know trying to act like I'm [ __ ] Einstein like right get your head around and I didn't wear a condom and I'm smarter than you or whatever but it is it is it's an awesome experience yeah I see a lot everyone I know who's got one is loving it I mean Bobby does you I guess get all the guys is a great dad he's a good dad he really is a really good father friend incredible father but it's guys who wanted kids it's like I don't know anybody who accidentally just knocked no why everybody's Merry everybody kind of wants to perspective you want somebody who accidentally knocked their wife up so you can see is it still is it good is it like this universal thing right for you or you like I can't I didn't want to do this to begin with and what happened here yeah cuz everyone I know is like thrilled that they did it I don't know why knock up somebody or she co get trapped by a woman you know what I mean and which I went for that hashtag on [ __ ] Twitter wait for it to come around if we're gonna fix the female male relationship you kind of got to work on both sides yeah handle that don't you even those guys I find they're like man I [ __ ] hate Luke and [ __ ] girlfriend but er the kids awesome the kid is all yeah they kind of like transcends the relationship although I'm so glad I will not in that relation collation type of relationship because I can't imagine loving this kid with all your heart that half looks like somebody that you absolutely [ __ ] hate that's got to be so weird a constant reminder and they just little mannerisms like the way the kid eats little hands eating toast I'm not in that situation there's been times though where I've been having sex and it's hard to pull out and I wound up pulling out like I'm like I'm gonna [ __ ] come aside you like and I want to pull you out and some of them are crazy I'm like I could have knocked that girl up eight years ago and I'd still be tied to Italy my favorite part of that story is when your lower jaw shut out out and you're like I'm gonna come and I'm so happy I didn't do that with someone who I hated those a certain crazy like the Birdman at Alcatraz you should have been like whittling some crazy toy yeah you know believe me I wish I did it a lot younger however selfishly I wish I did it before my daughter and my wife it was better that I did it now cuz I'm right I was ready to do it as ready as you can be but like I was a [ __ ] lunatic as you knew my 20s and 30s when I met you if when we didn't get off on the right foot for a good [ __ ] 18 years we're not 18 years no but we were always awkward because I was like completely like [ __ ] walled off I had so many relationships like that for like when I'm came down here 27 28 till I was about 40 and it's so many of those coat you don't ever have that conversation just talking about like you know do we have that we might I love that it meant something to me you don't even remember it I might be also a little damaged too so it's like a lot of the weird stuff I might not even notice because I'm also used to be uncomfortable around people I'm so used to discomfort that it's never any one particular person it's always oh yeah no I was yeah [ __ ] yeah super super super [ __ ] antisocial but so then but if you're antisocial yeah you know and you get around a bunch of comedians then it starts feeding into like people get like that was this guy think he's better than me as this guy right is this guy not like me you know you know you build the whole [ __ ] story in your head like I have like [ __ ] Zapruder films of different people you know all kinds of conspiracy then you finally [ __ ] do a weekend with him like oh yeah he's a good guy he's fine yeah touch a bass burger that's what that was nine part miniseries that I built in my head about how you specifically didn't like me so it is crazy though how look because all of us are [ __ ] up on some level and like you forget like oh your other people have their own [ __ ] too like it's not all about me like other people think you said s burger Eeyore they have their own we're a little psychology I'm all um yeah I have I got a lot of [ __ ] so yeah I don't know what he can do so I I had a kid later on life so at least I can least I'm oh I'm aware of how [ __ ] up I in so you know you seem like one of the more together guys I know like as far as your career and the way you work like I'm a good actor Jim no I I know I am a yeah oh yeah but you just start to feel more together when you started getting like successful when you were like obviously this thing is you know II mean no no I I just was more uh I had to live for 4045 years and make the same mistakes you know really from which once you move out to that age before you fire like okay how am i contributing to this what do I need to do differently and and and I kind of figured out how my brain worked and I was able to keep myself out of being just sort of walking around in a mile depression-like I was never in a chemical one thank God I was like in this mild thing and I kind of learned how to get myself out of it like okay you know go to the gym try a new joke take a couple days off from comedy just so I didn't just start the [ __ ] slow descent and to [ __ ] laying on my futon which I mean for the Vai there was a point in my mid fifties my mid thirties that it was like Groundhog Day and I had nothing going on no manager no [ __ ] agent in that [ __ ] uh maybe I was with the Steinberg's at that point I can't remember but I was just [ __ ] I was just every [ __ ] day I was just like God years are going by what the [ __ ] am i doing if I'm taking a day or two off helps you a little bit like just kind of like get your just feel normal again yeah I find when I'm getting overwhelmed in this business is like I finally realized that it meant I needed a vacation and that usually would just be like two days but like it's funny because you know when you work for yourself you can decide when you want to work and you think it's gonna be Ellis is gonna be [ __ ] great I'll work three days a week like the Jetsons used to always say we're gonna do in the future and then you actually end up working way more and your next thing you know you'll kind of look at your calendar or whatever and be like dude I haven't had a [ __ ] like day off just nothing to do in like months and that's the type of [ __ ] that then makes me [ __ ] you know I'm on edge I start fighting with my wife and I start feeling those feelings like good folks bluh bluh bluh as I'm [ __ ] doing a great gig yeah and I'm like right what is wrong with me that I'm doing this gig and I'm thinking that [ __ ] but you know I have a [ __ ] up brain so I've kind of learned to just sort of see that it's like oh this isn't this this just means take a couple days off stupid yeah so yeah if you would have told 18-year old me that I'd complain about the things I complain about today I literally would have broken a glass in my face that I'm complaining about going to gigs or a man I got to fly to a gig like you [ __ ] shut up like this is what you dreamed of and you got it you come but it's weird like one's life is what it is you just how much you wanted and it just becomes comfortable and you complain about like any other job yeah yeah that's like I remember flipping out about your new elevators in this [ __ ] building and it's just like I used to know how to get on an elevator you just push the [ __ ] button and now that I got to push what floor I'm gonna be in like today I finally got in there going like this really is more efficient yeah that they figure out like a cluster of people what floors they're going on - so you don't think you'd have to catch every floor in the way up so I do that a lot I have a lot of [ __ ] my own little wars with technology and [ __ ] and then I realized that you know some of it is making my life easier you show flying yeah a lot a lot you love it love it [ __ ] love it and I actually am less afraid when I'm doing that than I am now driving on now when I drive on a highway I'm [ __ ] terrified because when you're up there there's nobody near you and everybody's talking and everybody know where everybody is basically you don't unless somebody's a [ __ ] [ __ ] and they're not talking which is always exciting but I can't tell you the amount of times after I landed and I got in my car and then I just immediately see some [ __ ] accident I saw what time I I'll and I think I told this story I [ __ ] landed I had a great flight radio calls were good and everything and I got out and I got in my car and I didn't even get out of the parking lot and this [ __ ] jerk-off on the other side of the street this guy probably like 50 years old on a scooter can't pull it out and he went too fast and didn't lean enough and his centrifugal force took him but he hit the medium strip he high-sided launched him in the [ __ ] scooter onto my side it was like two lanes on my side [ __ ] rolled like a log and slid on his face for the last 30 [ __ ] right so fortunately it wasn't a bunch of cars coming so I stopped and I was the first guy to get to him and he was laying on his back like hat like not even conscious just going like oh he got [ __ ] up yeah I mean he was our I mean I like road rash and [ __ ] I flew back from San Francisco with Joe bartnik and we were in a car on uber on the way home and this [ __ ] guy in the left lane nobody near him just hit the medium strip and started spinning look like an episode of chips from way back and then spun across four lanes everybody slowed down he hit though it was like that guy was on his phone no way he just [ __ ] drove it like he just was driving just sort of drifted and part nick was going whoa whoa whoa and right as I looked up I just saw this guy spinning like a top across four [ __ ] lanes and yeah ever since I started flying when I get on the highway I feel like I'm flying in formation it's like I'm in the like the [ __ ] the middle angels yeah and misfit Blue Angels I didn't say except nobody's talking to anybody and nobody knows when anybody's gonna do people passing you on the right - and like 90 it like really freaks me out well you look at the cars are now gonna be able to communicate with each other now they're all gonna have these when they had the self-driving cars every car will know what the other ones gonna do is probably tell me how that's gonna work considering the amount of times my laptop crash isn't it so now we're all doing 80 and there's a glitch in the system the houston we have a problem moment okay and you're napping going oh it's gonna be great I got a gig up in Albany I'm gonna sleep the whole [ __ ] way you know well yeah that's a good point there won't be any more later than Niagara Falls six hours later cuz you didn't set your alarm there's no more fender benders it'll just be like colossal explosive death accidents and this is what's hilarious about insurance companies somehow it'll be your fault of course because I'm wondering how does insurance work at that point where if you know in a perfect world all of those cars work there should be no accidents so then like your coverage should be a joke it should be like 40 dollars a year somehow it'll still be the same amount of money and if that car gets into an accident your rates are gonna go up you can't sue the car company I bet they're gonna make you sign something like you know when they falsely imprison somebody sure and then they go alright well you gotta sign this thing that you won't you can't sue the state that's their new thing and then we'll let you out even though we we both know you're completely [ __ ] innocent I feel like think there's gonna be some of that some of that legal it's not disgusting like if you sign the [ __ ] prenup this [ __ ] teen idol from the boy band yeah that's exactly in pieces I can't one of the Osmonds if you sign a prenup under duress it can be overridden like if you sign a prenuptial agreement like a week before you get married that's the contestable a contract if it's under duress is there any angle those [ __ ] can't find do I need to but how come that's not a plea to go to jail when you sign away your rights fine because you're fighting an entire state that has the money to keep tying it up where you as the individual are dealing with your now you know [ __ ] ex-wife coming at you and you're just you're gonna cave she's just gonna wear you down you know and your lawyer will finally just be like look man this I can tell us his breaking you and I think he'd just given money yes I'll get you a beer or something you're like I [ __ ] it you end up signing that thing but you're looking at it from the angle of the prenup should be good no matter when you sign it which I kind of agree yeah oh yeah that said hold all this [ __ ] [ __ ] where they keep acting like women have no power in society is one of the great is it really shows how much smarter women are than men I mean the fact that they're acting like they don't have any power every [ __ ] guy I know if he's in a relationship she's running it she's running it yeah thank I don't ever see like a woman ever me like okay I just got to make sure my husband says this is okay but every [ __ ] guy I know does that and by the way if a woman does say that people go home why like it's a nice meeting you yeah but if yeah I got a check with my wife yeah you gonna do that you know it's hilarious I actually gave up arguing with my wife for Lent like as a joke as a joke right and she was all excited and now I don't think she's enjoying it because the fact that I'm not getting upset anymore now she doesn't know what I'm thinking and I took away a lot of her cat and mouse game right how did you do that what do you do now II get mad huh when you get mad what do you just bottle it up I just say cuz now that's a joke it's a bit so and I and and it probably would have died within three days but the fact that I know that it's bothering her it's like being at the table like oh he's got no comeback pile on pile on right so now she's a total good sport about it but like you know it's it's been like an interesting experiment to do that like I recommend that to any guy out here to actually give up arguing with your wife and start arguing with them and it like it freaks them out who starts who starts most of is it you were hers like 50 50 ah I probably start like 70% of them but the 30% that she starts is just like you know I always wish we had like an above-ground pool that I could just throw her in sometimes she would get hurt I get a feeling of satisfaction but just there I don't know I don't [ __ ] know you know what's funny one time she actually suggested that we go to couples therapy it's like I'm not [ __ ] doing that like that is that is like the beginning of the end of your relationship because now you're with this person and it's like if you're all better they stop making money right you know and then also I think subconsciously they know it was the woman's idea so they got to do the doctor little thing like dr. Phil knows his audiences women so like he's he's always gone with the guy you need to stop so that's what I said I said I'm not going to that I want to cover so I go okay you know I don't need another person telling me agreeing with you that I'm out of my [ __ ] mind we were satisfied sigh stuff watch hear voices joke now that my wife went to get a couples therapy so now I'm spending $150 have to let me call me an [ __ ] yeah exactly it's exactly what we went to couples therapy once for one session and it wasn't he I didn't think it was that bad cuz the woman was like kind of siding with me there was the couples therapist god that's him genius but once again I'm wrong I built this whole [ __ ] thing in my head no but then my wife was like what the [ __ ] is she talking about she was taking your side the whole plague it just created more fights because she was laughing yeah I was like so we're not going back cuz I didn't want to go so they were just fighting more from doing this bag that was like one of those wired of wires you had the lead at the beginning of the game you scored the first bucket he just took the thing the whole way let's yeah enjoy that man that's a rarity it was amazing for the moment and then it was like we didn't have to do it are you a good apologizer yeah like if you can fight if you like I was a dick I mean what a story I liked all of this [ __ ] you're asking me you have to ask my wife I can't be I am a go-to Blanche Isaac who is that we dude I am easy to live with now that you're not William not arguing cuz she's gonna want you to it well then will you admit you're wrong well then you admit this do you admit that you're wrong just quickly and then just be done with it or do you just not have the cup no I just admit when I'm wrong when I agree with her then I'm wrong so how is all this there's two things if you never mr. wrong right then she's gonna just start resenting you if you start foaming up the mouth about everything and then the other side is if you just always go yeah you're right you're right you're right you're right they're gonna get bored they're gonna start banging somebody else they need that whole Sex in the City are they need the drama but if you're not arguing now for Lent how do you how do you get out of those conversations if you're not gonna admit that you're wrong cuz you're not wrong but you're not gonna have the argument cuz it's lame no no if I was wrong I would just say that I'm wrong but like if she wants to argue I just say well you know I can't argue with you because I gave driving or nothing just be like look we don't have to argue we can debate this because I saw this woman like we went to this [ __ ] mall right one of these la malls like right in Hollywood so everybody look like Instagram ready it was like ridiculous dude the amount of titties that were basically out I mean not even side titty like underneath titty - it was [ __ ] ridiculous and she's telling me not to look I'm like how do I not look at that you know so this woman came by and dude she was like smoking hot high heels top tight pants just smoking hot and pushing a [ __ ] baby in a carriage and I made the mistake going like Jesus Christ like oh that's not a mom right and she just goes why why isn't that a mom and I always joke my podcast this isn't how my wife talks this is just how I hear at my head she says why why isn't why isn't that a mom and I was just like a [ __ ] I was just like yeah I don't wanna argue with you or whatever I gave it up and she goes no we can have like a debate about it so I didn't you know I didn't tell her when I was no good I just think like ain't even like the male version of that before some [ __ ] hashtag starts about this like if I see a guy with like his [ __ ] you know Clorox bleach teeth fake tan and [ __ ] really call it Botox face like Bruce Jenner how his face used to look before we're camel in yeah that's one of those things I mean I'm probably an [ __ ] but I just look at if he has kids I'm like yeah that guy is too self-involved to be a good dad you know yeah there's a certain level of tired you're supposed to look if you're involved with your kids and or maybe just a troll looking jackass and I was jealous of her and so I have no idea so anyway so that was something that would have been a fight right and probably would have been more ammunition for her to bring up later and I just just like died and I know you're right you're right I should have said that you're right you're right unsatisfying for the other person they don't get that pint of blood sometimes I want right in a blood and you're not getting it because the other person just said sorry like [ __ ] no but my wife has a [ __ ] unbelievable sense of humor so she's she's finding the humor in it too because I'm doing all of that [ __ ] like sweetie I don't wanna talk to you in like you know caressed like but the back of my hand will go down the side of her face just acting like a complete douche so it's like you know that's the thing that the reason other than the fact that my wife is a saint that she puts up with me but she has a [ __ ] unbelievable sense of humor like that story I told you about almost missing the flight like I wrote her a whole email about it cuz I didn't want to wake her up with the texture and I wrote it and all like gee willikers speak you know so you can imagine how astonished I was when I just thought about all of that and like she was like and she just loves wordplay and all that so she was like she was laughing so hard our daughter was what a little kid was laughing at my wife laughing so I got a big thrilled that I was made both of them laugh when I wasn't there made me feel less like a piece of [ __ ] that I was on the road even though this is what I do for a living so I got to be out here you know yeah there's worse jobs on the living at least you can bring her with you if you want to you pick a place you want to go but your gig go with ya week that's what I figure I will do that I'm trying to figure out how that works but I will I'll figure out how to do that like I think I'll do more like you know play a smaller place and do more shows right and then just sort of make a I don't know like a family trip out of it if it's a cool place I'm not gonna drag them to some godforsaken [ __ ] City but you know if I go to a cool place yeah go someplace you want to go it's nice and just do [ __ ] three or four nights and why am i telling you you understand English you got mean I'm crediting every text all my texts all the sudden Jimmy the world travels everywhere this year he's gone too it's not just England you went all over here I went all over Europe you are starting at the end of May and I had great gigs I mean I got you're a changed man you got you up a better vibe you seem more relaxed I am you're not you're not angst or awful awful you haven't said that once I've been here for almost Jesus all I been a half an hour I feel better than I have in probably 15 years I feel healthy I'm good you look happy thank you yeah I feel great which how much your listeners not enjoying this part of it you look great Jim you look happy you know they probably don't like that a lot but they're just they get tired of complaining to like no matter what you do if you do it more than two days in a row they're like [ __ ] chain you know they get bored right so you know I haven't been miserable for so long and then they offer their constructive criticism critiques with gentle language yeah on Twitter to say a picture of a belt in a closet you live in this and use this to hang yourself is my favorite one I got this week was somebody quoted something that I just was riffing on the podcast and somebody wrote me this tweet about how I was better than that joke I can't believe that made it into your act go back to the notebook or something like that I want to be like it was a [ __ ] random line from the podcast but that's why I get a kick out of Donald Trump like the fact that like I can walk away from a [ __ ] bad tweet and he can't and he's actually a finger on a button it's like dude you're acting like a 7th grade girl here what are you doing shake it off his Twitter his eye communication is not great like his Twitter is not good and I wish you would just that's got to be the biggest understatement president is tweeting do you understand to leaders of countries argued about who had a bigger red phone or a button I mean that was like us yeah that was like you know like when feminists go like oh and they had like their missiles these dick shaped things and blah blah blah and I'm always thinking like well there is physics and aerodynamics and all that involved like if you have it's shaped like a [ __ ] I don't think it's gonna make it to another country let's you frisbee it then that gap is gonna [ __ ] be a lot of drag but they were literally I was like you know I think those feminists are right on this one they got on that one so I mean just the idea that he's tweeting at all like just that he's got that he's doing it and how we got used to it and it just became totally like acceptable that this guy was gonna do stuff like that it's just gonna be the longest this is just gonna be a long four if not eight years they can't wonder how what people were they always doing that and now we're just seeing every ugly what do you mean childish aspect of it well here's where they always kind of think in that way where they always kind of say that stuff in behind the scenes through diplomatic means but that was the basic thing of it my dad's bigger yeah that really is all it comes down to we get to push around people who are [ __ ] button is bigger he just said I have a bigger button he said it like you said seventh grade what's that sound like CEO energy you know that like that like bigger dick ego stuff that every CEO ever has has had that anytime you meet with an executive or anything they had that thing where there's that sort of competitive alpha thing about him like there's nothing wrong with that as long as that energy is focused in a good way yeah which in business it's usually isn't it's usually ends up for you again just pour it in the drinking water we need profits no I usually I'm not good in those moments I usually bow my head and I [ __ ] slinking in full beta mode you do yeah somebody else later on the day what nothing to do with that been there yeah humiliating but yes that's prising that's what this is except it's done through Twitter and not the most eloquent tweets in the world yeah I agree yeah it's his weak spot twitter is yeah it's communication yeah not good I I have a whole thing on how he got in I think the Republicans just stepped and [ __ ] with him I think that both sides want to change and I think Bernie represented change in Trump represented change and the Democrats picked Hillary which I totally get going like this guy's a lunatic let's go with the tried and true and that's not what people wanted and I think accidentally the Republicans were offering change and and that's how that dude ended up it's just it was like a [ __ ] blindfold half-court shot and I think everybody [ __ ] misread it and this whole thing that they're like Oh Trump got the racist vote and all that I don't believe in that either cuz they could have voted against a black president two elections in a row and Obama won so right the racist vote every [ __ ] election so I just I just think that people bought into his two-by-four rhetoric I love that I'm gonna drain the swamp like like all the politicians we're gonna sit there well I guess it's over everything that we did the boss says we got it now they just all they do is they rope-a-dope when somebody like that comes in they just lean on the ropes and they just right going cuz cuz it's it's finite the amount of time he's gonna be in there I remember when Al Gore was trying to get like an electric car like they just he goes you know we demand that you make a car that gets a hundred miles a gallon [ __ ] blah blah blah by the end they just [ __ ] that was still working on it ya type raise a prototype and he gets to walk around his hands in his pocket nodding things are getting done things are getting done six weeks before he leaves hey what's going on with it I you know it's not quite done memo would definitely get it done with this next guy go [ __ ] yourself that's right there open up that's a great way to put it yeah that's that's all they're gonna whatever he wants to do as far as I'm not saying he won't get [ __ ] done I'm just saying as far as like like his hoe draining the swamp right changing the holes like I don't think anything ever brought both parties more together than him saying I'm gonna drain the swamp and then it all like okay everybody let's lock arms and uh let's not not let's not let him do any like I don't exactly how you're gonna do that I think he scares people too because he's the type that calls people out publicly in a way that no one on that level ever call it's embarrassing I'm so surprised at how little teeth the press had when he was running like they got so used to the politicians cowering with it on a tough question and he would just answer it and a lot of times admit to faults and then they had no follow-up because they'd never been there right like my favorite that my favorite one was when they said when it's like you've said this about women you've said that about is a woman asking and you're literally watching the debate going like oh [ __ ] here comes a moment you said this he said he goes on I because I said I said all of that about Rosie O'Donnell gets a huge laugh gets rid of the tension and then all the person has like well you said that about other women too that was all they had and then he goes hey you're probably right but you know and then I was and I remember sitting then when my mind I was like that's all you got because he's the man in a relationship that won't argue maybe that's what the press is trying to hit him he's like no I'm not gonna have the argument like yeah whatever and then he moves on to something else I mean literally what she was trying to get him to say is you have issues with women he got a laugh and then he admitted that she was right and then what was she gonna say well you should stop doing that yeah there's nowhere to go there was nowhere to go and then I was just like I was uh I don't know if we'll ever see another one like him but I definitely think that debates changed like he's like he's definitely a game changer I mean if I was in political science whatever that major is I would be studying that game film going what the [ __ ] he really understands how to like like even Oprah I coming up people's she's such a loved person and now that she's taught she's not gonna run she's a degenerate what do you call her insecure Oprah is this great way of pegging people for some reason it sticks whatever he says about somebody seems to stick whether it's true or not if there's something so childish about putting those names on people it takes is childish and then everybody on the right well like one person said liberal snowflake now I love everybody says liberal snowflake as if it's like the new joke and nobody's ever heard it you know we're back everybody says cut now everybody says been saying that for [ __ ] decade yeah words vetted I hate that word you got to make sure you vet somebody like all of a sudden we're like these twenty year law enforcement have somebody in the room you know what I mean judge their body language it's your responsibility to vet these people yeah why yeah what do you the [ __ ] is that Sarah Palin that was when everyone started talking about you they're like she wasn't properly vetted right that was when everyone started people knew the word but that was when everyone started using it after Palin and it was such a bad choice it was she wasn't vetted properly shut up I don't think anybody even realized like the amount of effort that goes into picking these candidates before like paling comes up and they're like well shouldn't there be well normally they vet these candidates oh that's what they didn't do you need to vet these people I have to think too cuz I even saw an interview again recently and once again she did not come off even remotely like it like this person holds public office it's just I mean I can go with like okay you're a little nervous in public you stammer and it was just like she was just talking in circles Oh Hillary well I get I but I get but it's also showbiz and you know I know she's got that hot thing she's got the glasses and stuff I was in for a second till she talked and I was just like all right people like her them with little people who like her like her yeah I never quite understood it but people who like her really liked her I guess she represents something they think I think it's yeah I think it's back to what you were talking about about the change cuz even then they thought that was the they thought that the Republicans wanted the same change as the Democrats they were like if we can get a woman in there we'll get those yeah baby water well they [ __ ] up on this time they were like wait no they just wanted a total [ __ ] like people will vote and then this is kind of old [ __ ] but then like Hillary had that awful combination she had like Mike Dukakis is charisma comfortable in her own skin is Al Gore like that smile that crazy [ __ ] smile it's just like what is going on between your ears when you do that I can hear your your speech coach going you got a smile more crazy yeah the cadence the way she would speak and I know Trump was just like I [ __ ] hated the guy but he was so [ __ ] funny he's compelling it's [ __ ] it's unbelievable it's fundable I liked what he was like when he kept interrupting they told him to not interrupt and then he and it just goes and he goes to the panel as Hillary's trying to answer oh I get it three against one he totally painted himself as a victim he ignored all the [ __ ] rules and it was just like and they had nothing there was these are the rules of the debate and then he would break all of them and nobody ever broke them so there was no what was somebody gonna do go in and put him in a sleeper hold like how are you gonna stop him and he just like he everybody thought it was like these cell like they were in a Cell and it was just like a piece of tape on the floor he just like step right right and they were like oh [ __ ] I didn't know he could do that I'm gonna do that you remember the one it was like the Town Hall when like Hillary was like standing up and like you know robotically walking around and talking to people and he just started following her so right over her shoulder he was just like looming there so every shot of Hillary is just Donald right over her oh my god I gotta watch that it's so [ __ ] weird didn't she make him remarkable years a year later about how she was creeped out by him being behind her like that she says he creeped her out yeah I'm getting creeped out listening to that yeah who's great but what ends up happening is nobody's listening word that she's saying and they're just looking at it like the whole story is now him look at he followed her you can see in that photo right there he followed her and would just be right over her shoulder everywhere she went oh my well she was stealing focus you're supposed to sit you're supposed to sit in the chair while the other person talks I was I read you it's great comedic Lee it wasn't great that that that he won I couldn't stand either one of them and I and there was I thought I'm the Republican Democrat side there was a number of people that were just way more like just grounded in just a basic intellectual and human level than like that I mean that was a I think the joke I was doing my active time it was like 2:00 a.m. and at a bar he had to like pick someone to go home with like that's what that election felt like so I don't have the [ __ ] we're talking about this it's long since done so this is he's in so we got to do it is what it is I think we'll be okay yeah I think yeah I hope we'll get through we'll get through it yeah all right I know I'm happier really interesting it's like now the Democratic politicians are going around being like well I know everybody says such good things about these tax cuts but it's pennies people don't but even the people that hate Trump are like just fifty extra dollars in my paycheck like I kind of like that he's doing this yeah there's some sort of [ __ ] loophole in there we're in the end then it for the young for the people who are poor it goes away in like a year or two but then and then it doesn't go away for the rich be of course not basically became president so he can put a golf course anywhere he wants like I don't know but I think you know I have you started doing any that stuff like like you could you make good money have you had any like wow I never thought I'd be doing this in my life but like where you're doing stuff that like people with money do or if you remained exactly the same no I'm just getting the [ __ ] kicked out of me in taxes like just [ __ ] Elvis taxes because I you know I don't get that thing buy a house and then stay in debt because it's a good tax write-off and it's like alright so I get this you know level of a tax write-off but I'm paying even more interest so all I'm really doing is just babysitting this property for the bank the end of my life I can't give it to my kid because they're gonna totally get crushed in taxes so I just buy something that I can totally afford and I pay it off and cuz the dream is well I'm gonna pay it off and then I can [ __ ] relax and then what happens is is every quarter they come in and just do they just [ __ ] tip you upside down and shake it out of you so it's this is weird thing when you have the freedom to not play the game but through like fees and penalties they're gonna guide your money back onto the crap table and that's kind of what I'm realizing so ya know I'm a frugal son of a [ __ ] dude yeah yeah dude I saw you know I you know you know the guys I saw guys get deals and go out and buy like [ __ ] fur coats and get old cars and [ __ ] I love that car I loved in Carbone go shut off [ __ ] [ __ ] oh yes oh I've always had like the I get the whole that you know you know I figured like where I'm at how's it gonna get better than this so I figured this is the height of me earning and I know what the low point felt like and eventually you're gonna go back to that I just don't see myself 65 70 years old and college kids are gonna be like what is this old man have to say about the robot that I own or whatever like eventually I'm gonna be doing like matinee gigs in the afternoon and so like I want to have a house that's paid off yeah you know maybe a couple of [ __ ] rental properties and I just want to live a little life you know like and I am you know I've been more than happy with whatever this business gave me years ago so anything after that has been great all I ever wanted to do was just be a comedian that could sell tickets and I was talking to something about that last night like the level of of just how awesome that is like basically at this point you know anywhere my wife wants to go on vacation in the continental United States I'll be like all right let's plan that I'll book a gig there one night right I'll actually make money on the vacation to pay for the plane tickets and all of that and then I can totally chill out and like in my idea of working on the vacation is to do my dream job right so I go up there and act like a [ __ ] idiot and have a great time and my wife is totally cool I always do that every time when we go on vacation I have one night like okay I'm gonna go pay for the vacation go up and act like a [ __ ] jerk-off for an hour have the best time and then I get drunk for the rest of the week yeah paid for yeah so that's when it goes back to what you were talking earlier like how can I ever be in a bad mood it's because I'm a human being and I'm a selfish [ __ ] and I'm [ __ ] I have a bunch of flaws and you know you're [ __ ] you figure you don't step back you live in your life with your [ __ ] hand right in your face stick and I'm like dude I like this week what I want to upload my podcast to Dropbox and it wasn't working and if you want to see something funny watch me flip out when my kid is sleeping cuz I can't yell kit and just listen to do it I literally grabbed my computer and I was just like [ __ ] my my and just doing that dude gritted teeth like you [ __ ] she showed me shaking the [ __ ] out of this [ __ ] computer and of course it turned out I was just on the wrong page and there was nothing wrong with Dropbox and then my wife's looking at me and then I totally uploaded they had no problem then I had to play it off like I figured something out oh there it is like I got what was wrong yeah if I was more evolved human being I would have said in that moment honey you know what there was actually nothing wrong with that this is my fault and once again nobody never failed well there's no satisfaction in that there's no satisfaction in like oh it's just you know so you want some I think it is for your wife it gives them hope that I'm for her I mean for you can actually enjoy for me there's no satisfaction I think if I if the computer thing doesn't work and all of a sudden I realize all just on the wrong page like there's no win for me there I'm just like I'm big of [ __ ] [ __ ] I thought they should make a laptop right for in those moments that you can break but you can then put back together that doesn't work because I've always wanted to like you know you always think of such grabbing something by the hair and snapping the head off to pushing it backwards that's what I want to do to the laptop like just just want to [ __ ] Biman times I've grabbed my phone and started to like [ __ ] break it in half but I always stop I at least have enough control of my temper to be like this is immediately going to add like an absolute [ __ ] show for the next three days of your life if you do this so I start to do it then I kind of [ __ ] set it down relax relax yes you don't have a room in the house where you can get loudly upset no what do you yell at electronic I have my angry room invented Charlie's Angels he had a room in his house just for wrapping gifts you ever see that no was that guy's name yes it up the famous daughter she was on Aaron Spelling yes yeah he had this giant like these [ __ ] room houses he pull it up on on the internet if you can it [ __ ] it has like had like 36 bedrooms and I know I was one of those just oddly things that struck me so funny like this guy had to buy 36 beds like the the ultimate night net let me look at that [ __ ] thing so then what's funny is that thing you know as they say is that that's the classic white elephant like like that is like an over a hundred million dollar house so now when you go to sell that thing basically one percent of one percent of the people in the world can actually afford it and you have to hope that they're in the market and they like what you've done with your 36 bed right have 35 friends Wow yeah to sleep over I think I saw that I'm like an e true Hollywood story or something cuz now that you say the gift-wrap room for some reason in my head I feel like I knew that Aaron Spelling had just a room for wrapping gifts dude I would literally slowly go insane if I lived in that place myself running naked down the halls like sliding it I I was just not knowing where my wife was just yelling her name trying to find her where the [ __ ] is Mike can you imagine losing your fight like I know this is like hacky shitty but just like all of that stuff well yeah that's the thing like I guess if you don't because when you have a family like you got to spend time with your family like that's when we moved out of our one-bedroom apartment into a house I was like we're still gonna be in the same room all the time because you don't want to be that antisocial person you know so I I don't know what you would do to keep from falling apart cuz I feel like if I had a thirty six bedroom house it would be a total waste of money to just spend it all in one room like we're my wife and I real I'd be like no I got a couple to the west wing of my house I think that house would actually end my relationship with my wife yeah we would begin to live completely separate lives right because she in a lot of ways you know the overlap she has some of my behavioral things and sometimes I think it's it's because I'm difficult to live with but then other times I'm thinking like now you're a little you know you still you got your independent streak too so but it's also what I really like about her so you get to like her bedroom or that spot of the house that she's in control if you're like oh I didn't know you did this to the wallpaper and she'd be like yeah there's a month and a half ago and you'd realize like we're not connected at all anymore we're just leave I really think you could sneak into that house and just dressed up as like a butler or some [ __ ] and like he'd be like you know some sort of chalice but then they finally sold it in like some super rich Russian guy bought it for his dog oh and Oleg Archie yeah this Russian oligarch yeah they're buying a property all over the [ __ ] country yes he bought up that big [ __ ] thing and for his daughter and this just strikes me as [ __ ] hilarious like if you go to date or like how do you top that well my dad bought me this go to the movies go see black panther is he alive Aaron Spelling mmhmm yeah I don't think no he died did you see Black Panther yes I did how was it it was good it was it's good I'm not a big superhero movie guy but it was it was definitely good I'll see it on when it comes on it'll be on [ __ ] Netflix in probably two weeks when is that but someone's asked you what is season three f is for family later on this year do they tell you in advance like how far how much notice they give you about what what it's coming out uh it's sort of vague like we just sort of kind of can guess like October November something like that animation takes a long time it does yes but Netflix is awesome you know as far as like I don't know they they give really good notes everybody has different relationships of people but I've always like you know you want to be that comedian like I'm the artist man don't tell me how to do this and like though Sam you should over like yeah that's a good [ __ ] note I didn't see that that was a really good note haven't somebody makes sense with a note is helpful well they were the ones that said to serialize it to do like making we know one leads and do another and I was like now I'm gonna do standalone episodes with superdude right and then the second we started writing it I was like oh this is awesome so that's the most important note and the best note out of a lot of good ones that they've given us they definitely you know there's a reason why they're dominating the world right now they're they're really good at what they do my last special that came out I remember they they asked you know we gotta have a meeting on how to promote this special right oh my god Jesus Christ what what the it's a special I'll [ __ ] go on talk shows and throw some billboards up dude I went in there and they basically showed me their algorithms and stuff of how they did it I like I walked out of there like I like what this is this is what it like when you become president you get debriefed and you walk out of there with that look on your face like Jesus Christ I don't know like that so you mean like where they place things on the Netflix like I didn't realize like you know when you sit down if we both watch Netflix yeah but it's all based on what you watched and what I watch so my home screens gonna be different than yours right and so they I can't do it I was trying to get my head was like calculus but it made sense as they were explaining it that as I was watching I was like Jesus Christ this is unbelievable that's why people don't data is a hundred percent it or probably already is gonna be the most valuable commodity to any of these companies data is what they give all their bones but but this is the thing that's all it is but if you can't read the tea leaves right you're that that's all I mean yeah information has always been king but if if you don't know how to apply it you know right right a lot of decisions I've made my life access to a lot of information in my life it's the application that's your problem yeah anybody can watch Game film but can you come up with a [ __ ] game plan to beat the defense yeah is what separates the big boys phone there's nothing worse than you have the information and you just can't apply it and you're doing it wrong anyway you still get yelled at by your parents huh cuz be daddy looks the same from across the aisle I wish I had that line in the day well being addy looks the same across the island just admit that I cheated cheated thank you Jim thank you for not giving me the laughs and just being like that's very funny I was trying to help thank you for coming that feels like when I auditioned for a part that was very good thank you for coming in dude I was bond me on an audition so bad I [ __ ] up so I try to do the brave they're going hey we start this over I missed the end the woman says no no no we'll just splice it together she wouldn't let me have such a specific look as do I like back to even you know when I had [ __ ] here when I came in like you know back we had like black and white headshots yeah my hair was dark enough that it looked like I had brown hair so in a lot of times in the beginning when people didn't know who I was and that I had red hair I would come in for the lead and like they was big hey and we're just gonna do the first thing and it was like it was just like things like that's not our guy they know immediately know immediately yeah so yet some of that is like that so I kind of learned to not take it personally and then I actually I found it funny that that they were just like yeah you're redhead that you weren't up doing I always found it hilarious but I also had like a stand-up career and always viewed acting as this thing that I love to do but it was just like it was just so out of my control that I couldn't put a lot of like like I know it's I don't know how like you get those [ __ ] like it once you prove you're funny as a comedian and you're not an [ __ ] and you're easy to work with like I go to the club I sold tickets you're gonna book me the next writer like actors they [ __ ] go out they win awards and then they still gotta [ __ ] called directors and become just give me a chance I gotta like you know like when Jim Carrey got a man on the moon yeah he was making twenty million of [ __ ] movie was like the biggest box-office star and he had to put himself on tape yeah to get it so like I have such a respect for like acting and all that [ __ ] like everybody thinks that they can do it and the other thing it's like really Daniel day-lewis like like pretending to be [ __ ] Abraham Lincoln a year learning that he had a high-pitched voice the craziest part of that whole thing is figuring out like oh I know that you guys think this sounds funny but I did the research that's actually what his voice sounded like oh I mean like that guy's acting you know what I mean like there's different levels of it like I feel like my acting is like on the joke book level like you know I mean like I can tell a joke I could do what you do Jim you know the people who think that you know the people who are funny at the water bubble and then there's actually like the one I always bring up is um what's-his-face Anthony Hopkins were like when he played a Hannibal Lecter that would have ended most people's career they never would have been able to see him as anything else and then the very next one he played like John Quincy Adams and Amistad and he was [ __ ] John Quincy Adams there wasn't a shred right of Hannibal Lecter I totally believed it he'd be like a Mel Blanc thing but Mel Blanc you you couldn't hear any Bugs Bunny or you sending me salmon either one of those voices and then he talked you didn't hear any of them yeah and he's able to do that visually as you look at like the way he holds his body and all of that [ __ ] I remember to Rosa one time said he's teach the he watched his sing on Travolta and Travolta was just talking about the different walks going okay Vinnie Barbarino walk like this get shorty walk like this Vincent Vega walk like that and it was just like dude he comes up with walks it's just like that's right and then I started thinking of my small acting career it's like every character character I ever played walked exactly the way I did I feel this guy's a lot like me were you good on crashing I played myself but they have you have to find a woman that's gonna put up with a guy who's acting like Abe Lincoln for a year how many [ __ ] people will live with a guy oh oh what about when he did my left foot she could have pushed him around the house he retired I guess he got tired of it it was just too much I would think so he's just that or he wants to sell this new movie it's just last one maybe I'll come back into the other one did anybody see that new movie in Thomas Anderson movie I don't know it's out yeah this is out I think he came out but I just don't think you got any kind of wide release I don't know it's weird as people like that out there acting like I it just doesn't feel like hey you're a good actor it's like it compared to what yeah I can sound believable hey what do you think of the Monique thing with coming out and complaining about with it they offered her five hundred thousand and then Wanda said they didn't offer her that I don't know when they offered one of the money the people complaining about what they're offering them for specials I'm thinking there's another reason behind it yeah that's probably that would be something that I would do the professional way which is you go through your your people your agent yeah but I also think that like nowadays where there's no due process and complaining on social media you just all you seems it sort of appears if you complain then you get what you want so maybe that that's that's why it's the strategy she chose to do that that's not how I would have done it no me neither that's tacky you got it yeah you don't [ __ ] say how much your money now how much money this other person is making and all of that [ __ ] that's something you say you say to them and then but you always got to walk away friends you can't like in business you can't take any of it [ __ ] personal like that first offer they're gonna slide across the table is going to be the biggest [ __ ] over ever for you and they agree and that's just negotiating tactic page one sure I'm going to ask for a zillion miles an hour you know a zillion miles I'm sorry in the other direction so when we meet in the middle I'm gonna get as much as I want but like you know when you're a younger person you you take that like or if you're inexperienced you take it personally yeah new speakers for a special you know that's it you know you got you just you know you don't you don't take it uh yeah you don't take it personal yeah they do they are there they will lowball you at first there's a first humility sure you don't respect it you had to be student should that's that's what you're supposed to do and then you're gonna ask for way more than you think you're gonna give them and then you've some way you meet in the middle and then you deliver a you know deliver a good special and eventually but what happens is then if you're not an [ __ ] through that process and they enjoy working with you and then you give him a good product they want to keep working with you and then you actually become friends with them and then it does it does get easier but like calling him out I love Monique I think she's amazing and you want a [ __ ] Oscar she's incredible but like that's not the way I would have done it right ya know my manager read it was not a big negotiator it's usually the first offer good the industry votes or manager of the year that's not a good thing they should kind of hate you they should hate your manager or be afraid of them not mind yeah they love them they like him I love them how good the greatest every time he did like he's such a great guy like you I never heard good do you watch I guess you do you want you watch Chris Rock special or do you never really watch other people specialists I haven't watched it yet but I'm excited to see it's good yeah it gets I thought I heard second half gets like he starts getting into his personal stuff and it's really good really really good yeah well that guy has always done the work yeah how many years since he put one out like six years five years said ten ten ten years well he's mastered like that whole like he just knows how to do that like not you know just be out of it for a second and right as everybody's like hey what's he up up to BAM he puts out a special yeah Beastie Boys were like that if he like right it's you know they did when they had an album coming out they were just everywhere and you got the album and it was awesome and they did the tour and then they would just go away and it was always right as I was thinking like hey man this guy's gonna put out another album BAM and then they were back and then then that's you don't get sick of them and you're like excited it's those people that are just constantly out there you know you start thinking I'm a gun I'm getting tired of this person so it's like Boston Boston put up the one great album you like they they're never gonna do anything else and like ten years later they put out their second album that was third they put out two all they put out two at first yeah they put out two and then they finally afterburner was that as easy tough when I can't remember I don't know yeah I never liked Boston no no I liked that first album and then one summer my buddy header and cassette tape and he drove almost every weekend and just kept playing that [ __ ] tape and I just I did this like it's been almost 30 years and I think I could finally listen to it like they just wore it the [ __ ] out and you were finished I was finished with that band yeah it's saying it has nothing to do with the band of the quality because I sure amazing musicianship and it is a great [ __ ] album but like more than a feeling oh my god can't do it they were just another band out of Boston can we [ __ ] listen to something else whatever I started driving when I was in like high school I had like one CD that at that point I was like a mix CD that I'd burned and it was like those 14 songs or whatever I can't listen to any of them anymore it's been 20 years I can't listen to any of them cuz I just played the wall that you know I've listened to Led Zeppelin so much that I think at this point like 10 times I've had to take like a two-year break from listening because I'd listened to in every single album you know I play drums and stuff and boost absolutely obsessed with John Bonham and I just bought all the sheet music all the drum music - all of this [ __ ] and just like at some point I had to walk it's like it's like the guys in Zeppelin aren't even listening to this [ __ ] this much I mean they've moved on to other music and I would always look at Robert Plant he was always like trying different stuff country album with Alison Krauss and all this type of stuff but I'm just like he is continued to move forward and I am stuck in Physical Graffiti like 1975 however I do still love all that music he wouldn't even want to talk to you about it if you had the chance you know what I mean like he doesn't like to talk about it doesn't like to be yeah he's done with it he's just done with with Zeppelin he'd they were great he was happy and he's moved on yeah the plus it's hard for singers they can't hit the notes anymore so you don't to be reminded of what you used to be able to do ya can't probably do now live because those guys actually would sing nowadays people like sing along with tracks and stuff I remember Anthony a long time ago was busting his Robert Plant's chops and it's just like I didn't know it at the time I wish I could have told him that but it's just like go back and listen to them early on he's hitting all of those notes and Baidu that was back then like you know they would smoke cigarettes and drink right before they would go out and then have to sing and just drying out their voice on two different levels and then singing every night doing like three four hours shows and naturally your voice starts to gets deeper you know as you get older yeah Robert well who's we have enough [ __ ] up Bryan Johnson we're saying like we asked if he warmed up and news ago before shows this because they're the lads but not like the [ __ ] hard time did you see the I never loved this I don't hate it if I don't love it you see the new bathrooms dude but do we need [ __ ] six sinks I know six [ __ ] sinks yeah and by the way there's a city I don't know if you can tell there's an issue with the sink there that's the [ __ ] that's exactly how I flip out my wife's like where did that come from like it'd be I'll be like in a total good mood we're out to dinner and then I'll [ __ ] hey you know I love you I'm the best decision I ever made and then I'll just come back like do they need [ __ ] six sinks in the [ __ ] bathroom I'm gonna have a [ __ ] laser thing pointing it at me and then the [ __ ] come there is asking for my phone I totally left like just hey you know this is just great it's good to finally have a night out with each other well that's what it is there's fight they added a stall to [ __ ] him which is great and they took out a urinal together me and it sinks neither side because you know what it is it's a cookie-cutter thing with like two things of three sinks we don't need six sinks in instead of adjusting it and leaving the extra urinal they just took the [ __ ] it don't you just it's sink Jimmy why not [ __ ] message that is true there's not six things there's now eight [ __ ] places to [ __ ] you're right that's we go say hey glass is always half full it needs to be [ __ ] and this is gonna be a major issue I don't know if it's because they try to pack in as many sinks as they could but the physics are all off everything is like self thing there's no nozzles on anything or push things on anything anymore when you go to wash your hands your hand is too close to the soap dispenser so as you're rinsing your hands the soap dispenser just starts firing soap at you even after you've done the thing yeah it's brand-new and I don't know who it was like firing like as you're going the new sinks suck the new bathroom the new stalls are good here's five of them but the new fact that we have two giant things of three sinks it's upsetting that spit soap at you for no reason but yeah there's it's a bust the whole thing is a [ __ ] million dollar bus it is it's a total waste of everyone's time it looks great it looks like something out of black mirror look we're in the future when you're in there but then the soap starts spinning and it's like it's insane I could get over it when they remove the urinal how do you [ __ ] remove a urinal that's the dumbest choice you can make yeah to put in an extra well there was the thing with the ladies over there to wash your hands yeah you could do that but there's never been sick people in there washing their hands simultaneously it's never had the dirt bags that work you don't wash their hands thank you I know there's people I used to work at YouTube video where you run along all the sinks like a loner I'm not filming in the bathroom necessary it was a waste of money and [ __ ] boo one less sink spaced out a little differently you could add a urinal and separate the soap thing a little bit yeah it's terrible it's it's absolutely terrible they did they just did two [ __ ] cookie cutters by far for pushing down and just getting this hope exactly when you need it yeah you guys want to watch me put my Invisalign back in well that's taken after I ate a banana how you talk with that I had been all morning whoa I need a bite down on my crew you [ __ ] cheated I did not does it hurt I'm joking doesn't hurt yeah it hurts the new tray you get one every week this is a paid advertisement there you get one new one like every every week so fortunately all I had to do was like 16 weeks and I've been wearing them so much that that's now knocked down to like 13 and it's one of the few like reverse aging things I was telling Sam that you can do what does it do well the thing is with my teeth and a lot of people see if they literally start coming off rolling off the jawbone a little bit like I married grandma and she would laugh like her [ __ ] teeth roll angled in and what happens is is the tooth the part that's supposed to be below the gum line that has no enamel becomes exposed and you can have periodontal issues you can have tooth decay you don't chew your food you know you get bacteria heart disease [ __ ] you know oh wow intestinal problems death comes from the mouth Jimmy so everybody's out there going for the hair plugs I'm telling you it's all about the teeth okay I'm good look at me just joking my podcast I'm starting look like a bald farrah fawcett a smile oh now I can see it now that you've said that I never would know Stevie didn't tell me oh but he doesn't have heart disease that's the point yeah there you go didn't have heart to actually kind of Harry you never noticed that I had a nice smile wasn't I've only noticed you at a nice smile I'm saying it has a change you never caught me gazing so wait does it hurt when you put a make in my mouth guard at night hurts my teeth sometimes I [ __ ] I it really hurts um now why do you up in mouthguard do you grind your teeth at night no apnea I'm sure I do but I mean I've apnea it holds my job you gotta sleep like sitting up with a chair yeah a [ __ ] elephant and one time I want to be a normal boy yeah you [ __ ] like monogrammed like bathrobe you know a fireplace he pushing my jaw out when I can when I can sit no I somebody made me mouth guard one time uh some old dentist I had and then Amin the morning was like my jaw was dislocated I couldn't get my bite back I'd be like trying to eat soggy cereal and my teeth wouldn't come together which was [ __ ] with my mood so I would literally have to like push my jaw in and then close and then it would pop it's like popping your shoulder but your jaws I finally just said [ __ ] this thing so hopefully this this fixes and I'll Jam I'm a mess what do you want for me well your have you ever needed braces no I never did but my teeth as you grow older I don't know the guy was like your jaw continues to grow it gets crowded and whatever III you know he sold me the package and I thought it cost me a lot of money I remember when he left he goes he goes congratulations I shouldn't be saying that to you don't use BMW so you had them fitted each one is fitted for your teeth or these have genius and I was actually thinking like did I just get bamboozled into this thing but now I love them I love them and like yeah it's exciting to see like your teeth actually like to be aging and to see something actually going in a positive direction is actually it's been good for my moods you know why are you self-conscious about it I mean you don't seem like you would be you look exactly the same as I always knew something you all that was down arrows down hit yeah be like if my hair suddenly [ __ ] grew back like that level of excitement oh my god this is incredible well you know I mean your face you don't look you look young in your face oh thank you Jeff yeah I like this okay you feel like you got to build me up a but sure you look handsome no thank you or maybe I'm just kidding be so charming about it maybe I'm just older and so I see everyone as I see my site my friends all look the same makes it but somebody young like when you say you're not Jim there was a while there like I was worried about you who are you yeah you were a little few like you were just all mush oh yeah yeah and now you feel like shredded but through there was a while there you look like a water balloon yeah that was bad probably from 2002 to 2010 maybe they went through a real self-loathing and you would lose it and then you would have it back yeah like you you're a oh god yeah look at that but the snacks were great though huh they were [ __ ] delicious I'll bet they were they they weren't they weren't going now how did you find this what did you look up fat Jim yeah just Jim Norton fat is it yeah there's to be with the Google search Jim Norton fat is a very very popular search wasn't one of those things where like you just thought you were fat but nobody noticed it's actually a Google a bull search yeah yeah good fat no but then you you've been able to keep it off though yeah I guess this is the age we've got until we spend a lot of time just talking about like growing old yeah but when your friend start dropping dead you like [ __ ] all right I don't want to be I know I actually counted the other day just cuz I didn't want to forget anybody I know thirty-five comedians classmates and club owners that have all passed away and this is what's so [ __ ] up all of them are men like when I just out live later this time a woman just drop dead picture that like her [ __ ] little [ __ ] scrunchie yeah flies across the room and she pancakes under her desk like that just doesn't happen but [ __ ] dick you could just watch hours of footage on YouTube of guys dropping dead remember that umpire turning around walking to the backstop just faceplant just dead yeah it does it does go fast it does go fast when you I think that's the way to go you just want to drop dead one minute you're saying something like spinning you're gone you never even saw it coming calling it a heart attack he's fine him he's doing better now that was a minor when he cut got him selling if he called and they came and got him but do you know can you imagine dropping dead though just the randomness of like your last words you like what was the name of that actor and welcome back cause nothing profound the worst is if you ask and the guy's about to tell you and many drops dead oh that was [ __ ] yeah the only the only visual I can come up with him that happening to a woman it's not real life it's that you see about Schmidt when the wife yeah oh god was the white it's great movie but the wife drops dead in it while he's out getting herself he's out of the house and she's just vacuuming and then he comes home and he sees his fat old wife just sitting there with the vacuum on and she's just face first on the ground and her shoes a little askew yeah like that's what it looks like to find someone dead the vacuum is going and she's laying there or dumb shoe is askew and he doesn't know how to handle anything in the house old Jack Nicholson in that movie oh my god that's the worry and you lose your best friend yes the [ __ ] well that's that's my god that's right I kind of like that get that guys go first cuz I think women can emotionally handle sure you know you know the deal they'll cry for ten days and all your shits going down code will your overcoats and hats do you panic about that or do you not do you not think of it no you can't lose 35 people and not realize that that's that is a thing that happens so yeah no I do I do think about that and there's people that I worry about there's been times I've worked with people that are so [ __ ] out of shape that I actually get excited that it's now acceptable when you give somebody CPR that you don't have to do mouth-to-mouth because you know like ten years ago I think this guy's gonna die man I'm gonna [ __ ] I'll [ __ ] punch his chest a couple of times but I'll just anyway and you try to tell people within they already know the answer it's that they're not gonna listen we're gonna say that's gonna change him nothing ya know how many people have to drop dead but I get that cuz you never think it's gonna be you yeah you don't ever think it's gonna be you and then until one day like oh [ __ ] it's me I the best death story I heard was was Lou Reed was he was like in his hospital bed and the one of his friends said he just like enjoyed the experience say he had this amazing look of wonderment on his face like oh this is what it's like to die it just seems like I don't know like the dopamine or some [ __ ] that's supposed to come out dude what the [ __ ] are we talking about death for that's okay we're doing a benefit for our dead friend that's right celebration of death and life eration within you want to watch Fergie sitting in the nationally I would like you to yes watch that you think some of her voice is good all right guys listen I gotta go I got it I don't want to watch this I don't wanna watch and I feel bad for well we don't have to shoot him - maybe maybe it might actually be okay might be good oh it was better than I thought it was gonna be it might be good I don't want to watch this come on guys come on how about until you until you don't like it have a heart Wow can I put my coat on we'll turn it off when you don't like it I mean guys are you doing a bit no no I was here fangled banner all I think is there look for the grace of God go i announcer it kind of a list bidding me a little bit [Music] nice feed it up this seems like the ending of a movie yeah like a movie about New Orleans would it work perfectly it probably would have been nominated for a Grammy I just thought the choice you GCRs Arthur [Music] I actually like this okay all right we're back we're back it's great it's like George Gershwin does the [ __ ] that she'll anthem or some [ __ ] kinda like that part the funniest part is then panning over the players and they gotta keep straight faces they're like what the [ __ ] dude from the [ __ ] war is he's like Jimmy can't stay good for her she did she made her to rock yeah she did great good for her is right LeBron losing it it also kind of sounds like you know happy birthday yeah mr. president I don't know if this won't be as iconic as that one was maybe not for the same reasons but you wish you would have done it a little bit more she [ __ ] what she said let's play some basketball she can sing theoretically yeah like her voice sounded fine I just didn't like that no I have to go you got to look search Fergie flip let's look for Fergie photos before takeoff yeah let's take up for a play is this from the Today Show is this it yeah okay now okay here we go she looks good turn it up turn up [Music] [Laughter] how can you she stayed on key with you you know what it sounds like it's endless like she got possessed somebody else took control of her body but her voice was still something else she's doing one-handed cartwheel says she didn't [ __ ] impressive that was their pants she did peer cause high she's great how old is she like 40 I don't know probably 40 and earlier she's [ __ ] sexy man yeah well great time Maureen says hi to both apologize why is she apologizing for her performance she just didn't made choices people do that so what there you go cuz that's the smart move cuz everybody uh now she's apologized and I feel bad she's wrecking power I feel bad Wow

Channel: Jim and Sam Show

Views: 1,030,063

Rating: 4.7516131 out of 5

Keywords: Bill Burr, Fatherhood, Donald Trump, Fergie, Jim Norton, Sam Roberts, New York, Patrice O'Neal, Joe DeRosa, driving, flying, self driving cars, arguing, monday morning podcast, elevators, technology, world leaders, republicans, aaron spelling, cuckolding, netflix, black panther, boston, Lou Reade, F is for Family, Sarah Palin, Politics

Id: pJc4OG5rOa8

Length: 82min 24sec (4944 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 22 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/[deleted]]

I honestly had to reduce the brightness of my tv because of billy's head. Great interview though!

[u/woodyvulfpecker]

I remember the first time Sam was on the Opie & Anthony show. Anthony wanted someone to go out and buy a video game for him before the store closed and Sam who was just an intern at the time stepped up to the task. That’s how you start a career. Just get your foot in the door however possible. I miss that show.. but Jim & Sam is good too

[u/CapeGod]

Ol’ Billy no sleep!