BEST MOMENTS From Series 6 | Only Fools and Horses | BBC Comedy Greats

oh bloody hell [Music] am i supposed to do all this hello oh hi sorry to interrupt you oh what the hell it's all right it's just some computer data i've got put into a program it's very complicated well yeah it does look difficult but it's not a problem my name's rodney cassandra oh cassandra it's a lovely name thank you um i just wanted i'm glad we bumped into each other because i was trying to find a way of saying hello to you and i think it's really you know sort of liberated of you to make the first move no you don't understand you've taken my coat i'm so sorry it's okay they're very similar it's an easy mistake to make this one's yours we'll how'd you know it's mine it's got your name written in it look i didn't write this it's most probably my brother you know his idea of a joke well whatever we've sorted out now yeah well nice meeting you oh yeah and and george cassandra i was wondering whether you had time for a quick drink oh i'm sorry i'm going out with a friend tonight oh well never mind um can i walk you to your car oh thank you pleasure here we are [Music] thank you for getting me here safely i think nothing of it it's a nice car it's my father's do you live around there blacky how about you ah peckham where are you parked oh no i let my car to my brother well i wish i hadn't now after what he wrote in my coat a little still i'll get a bus down to terminus i'm going past the terminus if you'd like a lift oh thank you i think someone's calling you really over here hung about for you give your left phone oh yeah that's someone i know well thanks for the offer anyway okay bye yeah bye what's the matter is he giving you lines or something why did you write my name inside that raincoat well because mum said to me on her day why did you write it your dick right all right she said to me make sure you'll always write rodney's name in his clothes that way no one will nick them and i was just giving me promise i was so embarrassed yeah but now we're niche coat did they [Music] hey trigger trick over here yeah what are you doing here well i'm always here i'm a regular in there yeah uh john get my mind to point out lager will you i'm afraid we don't serve beers um yeah no that's right yeah i remember now yeah yeah there was no call for it so they knocked it on the edge do you fancy a spitzer uh yeah i'll give it a try yeah anyway what are you doing down here trick i thought you'd be in the old uh next head yeah i was but mike's just barred me barger before he accused me of stealing one of his pork pies oh i want his rotten pork pies for i don't even like pore pies oh he's getting right out of order that bloke he really is i'm thinking of suing him for deep but definitely [Music] slander yeah i wouldn't worry about it trigger wouldn't worry he's done you a favor actually no he really has i mean you look round here this place is full of yuppy swords yeah we can't go wrong here what we've got to do is learn their language why they're foreign then no no no no it's just that they're yuppies they don't speak proper english like what we do i mean i've been here holding them it's all your super and fab and all that game yeah and they love to talk about money it's their favorite subject i mean you chat about money and you can't fail to impress them yeah yeah god's honest i saw one of them old five pound notes the other day [Music] come here come on trick trick no no no no mate i don't mean talk about your bloody coin collection do i i mean you just got to talk about your wealth you but i ain't got none of that neither of alfred e's they're all living in sin with their flexible friends it just means you've got a chat about it you've got to talk look i'll show you how to stand look watch me watch this it's all good when you're in a high profile business and it goes really yeah of course i'm in stocks and shares myself yeah i bought a few thousand shares in a little department store this afternoon now i got a phone with laura my accountant that gives you the um done it excuse me sorry how do you spell arids capital a capital a oh i see i see all right beam me up snotty it's all you need in it yeah have this i don't want it thanks see nowadays these modern euro birds they go for the more mature men who've made it in life yeah is that why we're having no luck i haven't started yet just building myself up to it yeah well you better hurry up and be close in time soon all right all right [Music] i think we're on a winner here trigg all right lay it nice and cool son nice and cool you know what i mean [Music] straight up trick drink up we're leaving aren't you gonna try for them birds no no you're cramping the style mate built i've already told you there's something wrong with that machine i asked him to set this to record a program on itv called city news what have i got open university on bbc2 so instead of keeping my fingers on the ever-changing pulse of the stock market it's a continuum i'm watching christopher dopey wren on how he built some paul's cathedral it's interesting yeah you would you were most probably around when he applied for planning permission is it right if i turn the thermostat up yeah you sure it's not too technical for you oh you dipstick rodney now look at your damn name i thought what he knew about videos yeah emmanuel in bangkok and that's about it i programmed that computer to record the program you wanted now it's not my fault if it decided to record something else is it that machine is up the wall well you're trying to blind me with science now would you personally i think these computers are more trouble than their worth how'd you figure that out there was a film on earlier all about computers you're joking i wish i'd recorded it hang around rodney you most probably have it was called war games it was all about this socky kid who messes around with computers and one day he broke into the computer that controls the american nuclear defense system he almost got us into world war iii no chance of that happening with rodney is there world war iii this blocker can't even get us into the channel free life have you read the instructions to your video recorder oh cute no i haven't actually read them well why don't you do that small thing derek i think you'll find it very interesting because we have instructions in german spanish french and italian and not one single word in english and that's why your machine don't work it was made strictly for sale in europe but we are in europe we're in the common market and we yes i know that but we've got a different electrical system to the rest of europe and that's why your machine is on the blink his components are burning out is what's technically known as knackered willie nelson's touch you up i don't believe it well that's all i need in it you won't be able to sell the others now dill too late hunger i've sold them all the site i know you've sold them hmm 70 or 60 quid each i have to give the money back why because they don't work well what do you expect for 60 quid i've been [ __ ] up i'm just passing it on that's all it's business i've don't worry about it everything's going to be cushy you are something else you bro you're too picky rodney that's your [Music] problem what's that funny sound i don't know what you're looking at me for the most funny sounds in this flat tend to emanate from your vicinity it's that funny noise don't be having me my legs shut up and keep spraying [Applause] right go on just dropping them off i thought you said you heard a sushi sound i did i was making a funny noise like something was gonna happen the only thing that's happened so far is poor old mum's clothing's got all dirty i should have to take it all down to dry cleaners now dale them dolls are dangerous they've been on the news everywhere how'd you know it was them dolls that they was talking about i know right i just know well the only thing that i know is i've got 60 quid laying out over there we're hanging about you like a couple of spare ones at a wedding oh come on i've had enough of this come on [Applause] [Laughter] see told him not to have the mutton vindaloo maybe that could have happened anywhere others well we only just got rid of them in time we was well lucky no it's not luck rodney it's mum mum yeah she's up there somewhere watching over us oh yeah well thankful going is it [Music] [Applause] well good night dale lovely meeting you and you too sweetheart but don't forget i won't say a word thank you i'll see you in a little while wait rodney where do you think you're going cassandra's giving me a lift home ah sure don't bother yourself sweetheart we got the van here excuse me one moment while i go and kill him do you think you're playing that derek i told you i got a bit of a deal going down here in a little while yeah and i told you i don't want nothing to do with it i know you did but i gotta meet that arnie in the back of the car park there it's nice and dark now i've only just recently met the geezer so i don't know what i'm walking into so i would appreciate a bit of a backup all right yeah but i wanted to say goodnight to cassandra go on then say goodnight do you get back here a bit lively no i meant i'm bloody hell i'll give me a couple of minutes what's happening i'm gonna have to drive their lime he's drunk drunk he doesn't look drunk no no that's a bad sign with him he hides it well you see but i tell you you could push him over with just one little finger he fall flat on his face oh it's a problem of his i've had to live with since i was a little kid how sad yeah i know it's just tragic still there mine no i mean let the poor girl up for air sorry do you fancy coming out for a meal on thursday i thought i told you i'm on a week's training course yeah well you must be able to get a few hours off well yes and if you fancy flying over to guernsey i'd love to have dinner with you bonesy you gotta go all the way over to guernsey yes i did ask guernsey if it would like to come to me but it refused point blank i've heard about these company training courses they're just an excuse for loads of people to have an orgy really please be serious for one moment cassandra look rodney if what you've heard is true and all these perfectly stayed and boring people suddenly hurl themselves into a pit of carnal abandon doesn't mean i have to join in does it no i suppose not i suppose about it no i'm sorry you're right of course i'm right i mean i'll take my whip just in case i'll find you i'll phone you as well better make sure we don't phone at the same time otherwise we'll both be engaged i love you do you and i i don't know what he's here don't have a nice time are you i'll try not to what's she doing rodney what do you mean what's he doing you can see what he's doing he's sitting in a window there reading a menu it's pretty suspicious in it what a bloke sitting in a restaurant reading a menu yeah could you get me a glass of water please rather hot would you care to order the house yes i'd like an ambulance yes an ambulance i'm not very well yes are you alright happened it's only he's at the connery well what we're gonna do no no i think you have to punt their chests or something i'm talking about all bloody money and chains what's the can do now is there my money and my gold ain't going no no national health hospital the entire kitchen staff will be off to miami if he does watch don't panic i am a doctor stand aside step let the dog see the rabbit oh yes very nasty he needs an operation he's not a doctor he's mugging the poor man hi yeah call the police yes yes madam i call the police all right there'll be no need i am an officer of the law i'm a small town policeman did you get the impression all he's not going according to plan okay sunshine you are nick come on out you go rest assured madam when we get him down the police station we'll give him a bloody good idea come on you mean he's dead no no he's still alive the ambulance got you just in time so where's the money in the goal where do you think it is it's in arnie's whole door why don't make us leave the restaurant because they've just called the old bill arnie's got seven and a half grand of your unlawned money plus a case full of gold from a v.a.t fraud do you want to tell the police that it's really yours why didn't you try and get the case off his wrist blind old riley you tried that didn't you and you got a punch in the nose and they'll whack over your end for your trouble what do you think i'm a wally or something so where are we gonna get it back do i go to the hospital all we gotta do is find out what time the visiting hours are it'll be custody but we don't know which hospital they're taking him to we'll follow him mike your car's pretty nippy you do the following right [Music] ambulance [Music] right well we're all dating for the courier said mate at the days oh there it is right poor to sangria jose we have arrived specifically hang on hang on just before you go and check in um this prize ain't quite as straightforward as it seems he did win didn't he oh yes yes yes oh yeah well i saw the puckering above board and all that i mean where you know he got all the tickets and everything yeah so what's the problem that's strange you know what i noticed it on the plane but it didn't sort of register they're all mums and dads they've all brought their kids with them what's strange about her except for me right all the winners are parents no it's not the parents that are the winners rodney he's the kids well rodney's painting won first prize in an under 15 year old so they think rodney's 15. is that right no they think you're 14. 14. i think i'm 14. why didn't you tell me this back in england but i thought it might cast a little cloud over the holiday look rodney i sent your painting off in good faith i mean i didn't know there were lots of categories but it was you not me you were the one that wrote on it rodney trotter raised 14 and a half so the organizers must have put you in the kids category so it's your fault that you wrote on it to know that in 12 years time you were going to enter it for a cornflakes competition well how was i supposed to know that you'd win right yeah it doesn't matter now come on come on you're going to waltz through it how do you am i going to pass for full time will you stop doing that that's your age this is your fault just look just look over there look look some of those lads look they're over six foot tall 15 and 16 year olds they look much older these days than they used to and you got the added advantage of your boyish good looks that's why there was free tickets in it one each for mummy and daddy and one for the spot they can't expect 13 and 14 year olds to go brawl on their own can you hey and what exactly is your role in all these well um when the cornflakes people phoned up they said that you had to be accompanied by your parents so i said and i i don't know why i did it i must have been flustered at the time i said that i was your dad my fate did you hear that cassandra yeah and who the hell am i supposed to be rob please tell me this is a bad dream pretend cassandra you're only pretending aren't you i mean you haven't gotta check behind his ears or pick him up from school or nothing like that ever i think we should go and tell them the truth just a minute dopey just a minute we're here now aren't we if we all keep stunned we can have a lovely free holiday but if they find out we're lying they'll chuck us out the hotel and if they find that we're telling the truth they chuck us out of the hotel now return flights not for another week so what we're gonna do they're probably sticking in one of those spanish halfway homes well at some point they are going to realize i am not 14. but we'll be back in the hotel by then there's been nobody there to ask questions come on we're on holiday hey well whatever else it turns out to be it's an experience oh good girl that's right you know it makes sense don't you that's it now come on come on in come on let's get over there and check in come on don't forget you you act a bit mumsy all right what do you mean i don't know you know just a bit mumsy right he's really nice here i've just been down the reception i bought some spanish state lottery tickets i've filled him in he'll have been for you and everything i bought some for you look there's some for rodney there and there's some for me all right i'll put yours down here there you go you never know never know our luck because we're on a winning roll aren't we tell that to poor rodney oh look don't keep going on about it you're going to spoil the holiday you are listen have you looked around what's here ah that is very nice that's must be rodney's room it's got a picture of prince on the wall if that's rodney's room where am i supposed to sleep well well did you and rodney no maybe not i mean i'll sleep in there you and rodney can have the honeymoon bed all right all right anything you say sweetheart anything you say i just thought it might be a bit strange when the old maid come in you know see me and old roddy tucked up on the king's side it would look even stranger if she found rodney sleeping with his stepmother i never thought of that i better go and cancel breakfast in bed listen you want me to take that picture of prince down off the wall there just leave it derek you've done enough for rodney and i as it is look i thought the cornflakes people would leave us alone to enjoy our holiday i didn't know they were going to conscript rodney into the groovy gang i mean why do they want to do that mr perkins explained it to us it's so the youngsters won't get bored and the parents can have a rest i won't see you more weak will i yes of course you will he's bound to get a spot of leave oh look there he is there they all go now hey rodney don't go mad we just went down over that hill there that was quick yeah yeah they were on skateboards rodney was the leader he was right there in front leader of the pack oh my god hello me come in guys come in hello mrs trotter good afternoon carmen is sir rodney here no he's not here at the moment oh he's still out enjoying himself yes well it's just to let him know about the junior disco on wednesday night but i'll come back later and see you then bye for now i'll see you bye-bye did you hear that yeah it's all right rodney likes a little dance it's a junior disco well i always say he's ill oh what more lies no that'll be the truth when we tell him he's about to be a totten dick listen uh i'm gonna have a wash let me go downstairs so we can get something to eat all right what about rodney oh that's all right well pick him up down here somewhere yeah just look for the nearest sandpit very funny yeah [Applause] what have you been doing i've been skateboarding oh i see who's though he's having a wash derek yes i'm back could you come out please i'd like a word with you no could you come out now oh got my pants off rodney well it's quite urgent though give us five minutes i'll be with you sorry about the bad language cassandra what bad language get it in now you dipstick i'm going to kill you [Music] what's up with you i'll tell you what's up with me thanks to you i am now a 26 year old man who just comes second in a skateboard second you're in the league when i saw you may i ask you once contact has been made refrain from interrupting now hands on the table fingers touching concentrate [Music] [Music] what's she doing she's going [Music] i can see that why is she doing it she's got into a trance thank gold for that she had one of my pies earlier the spirits are with us [Music] a man has stepped forward a tall elderly man wearing a black coat and a black hat he wishes to speak to someone called audrey no no aubry aubry oh i am here that's my middle name you never said your name was aubry nor would you if your name was all bro this man seems agitated he's brandishing a piece of paper have you any idea who it could be no this piece of paper it's not a log book for a cortina is it only to photograph a black and white photograph it shows this man but years younger there's an odd-looking boy standing beside him five or six years old evil face she and your dad yeah that's right he was the only one who ever called me aubry there is a sadness about the photograph as though something was missing oh yes of course your mother she isn't with you no had she passed over to the other side no she was taking a photo [Music] this man is worried he says you must be a good father you must look after your child is he having a pop at me or something elsie boyce and his wife marley and can't have kids i might have been trying for years you know but nitto yeah they've had tests things frozen and everything we've just about given up with him he's low on something do you mind not discussing my personal life in front of strangers you could tell my old man to keep his nose out of my business he was always having a go at me for not giving him a grandchild all right calm down aubry you're up for a start i'm gonna get a drink it's all a load of old rubbish anyway i never believed a word of it excuse me [Music] i've got good news and bad news now the good news is they put me in charge of your case ah what's the bad news i specialise in amputation it's a good here do you still get down the old 111 club no not anymore dale i pack gambling in it's a mug scheme you still go down there oh yeah anyway how come you're in charge it was an accident really i just happened to be talking to some colleagues when the name derek trotter cropped up so i asked if i could read your gp's report and have a look at your tests i was amazed i found myself reading about this non-smoking tea total celibate vegetarian health freak i thought can this be the same derek trotter that i know and begrudgingly admire that uptight wheeling dealing pina colada lout the cast stella king and was it yeah why did you lie to your gp dale well she's a doctor and she i don't understand well you never tell the doctor's the truth otherwise i put you in the hospital but you've been put in hospital yeah i know but i didn't mean that to happen did i thought you'd just give me a bottle of jollof dale if you'd told the truth in the first place my colleagues could have diagnosed your problem in a quarter of the time oh told that i did have a cigar at christmas time we now know what's wrong with you dale all right unless you're the worst i can take it i'm not frightened don't pull any punches i want it straight from the shoulder yeah i think it's best in the long run well basically derek there's nothing wrong with you oh oh oh thank god thank god thank you thank buddha thank you thank you god relieved it well you know what about these pains what are these with pains endo you have an irritable bowel i'm not surprised with you not pulling me about no no that's what your condition is called you have an irritable bowel syndrome it's nothing serious i'll put you on a course of drugs your condition has been caused by your lifestyle the late nights the booze the nicotine the fried fast foods do you ever think about all that saturated fat floating around your arteries well i try not to puts me off me grab one of the major contributory factors of this syndrome is stress a lot of yuppies suffer from it del i took the liberty of phoning the director of housing about your renter ears ah how did you find out i found your flat i'm sorry mate i had to find out what the hell was going on i spoke to your uncle the council have agreed to give you some breathing space a bit of time to get yourself together right cheers ruby you've been given a warning dale nature's way of telling you to eat muesli for breakfast cut right down in the drink in the cigars yeah whatever you say doc yeah pop this into the pharmacy on your way home you mean i can go yeah and don't come back i want you convalescing for the next three weeks i don't want you working or getting excited sit in a chair eat boring foods and live a boring life that'll be easy i'll sit in a flat and talk to my uncle albums see your own deal yes thank you thanks very much robbie i knew there was nothing wrong with me sick the old sod all right what is all this about the driscoll brothers nothing nothing at all listen if the driscoll brothers come in here asking for me you ain't seen me all right listen i've heard of the driscoll brothers dell but i've never seen them what they look like well one of them looks as though he was evicted from the planet of the apes yeah [Music] and the other one reminds me of cliff richards well he looks uh younger than his years no he's got one of them faces that you want to slap did you get alan off home all right yeah there was almost an accident the mini-cab driver nearly reversed into the driscore brothers mercedes driscoll brothers area what do they come in here well i don't know they were just getting out of there quick upstairs hiding the hall quickly mickey jump on quick come on i see how nice hello danny your brother not with you yeah oh a watcher tony drink no all right molly's up the spout yeah dear dear dear will you let us know the moment you find out who've done it and we'll sort him out [Music] yeah right oh danny [Music] no no i ain't seen him this evening well that's funny his fans in the car park what's this a castella the malibu reef are you sure he's not around i think our governor well he may have been in earlier and then he left i see you just had this place decorated yeah sure i want to buy everyone in a pub a drink whatever they want that is a pound and i want change large cognac please michael keep still tree what are you doing here what are you doing here it's got nothing to do with you what are you doing here with us i don't know really quick upstairs so it just went there's a doorknob there tony why don't you just turn it it [Music] let's try the box we're in the clare now now oh are you in a bathroom yeah yeah well thanks for walking out and leaving me like that sorry i had you too much to drink i felt bad i'm still feeling a bit rough rodney oh um and thanks for not giving me that money then you'll explain that you had something more important to spend it on and you promised me i told cassandra and her mum and dad and everything i said i've got the money what am i gonna look like now i i'll tell you what i'm gonna look like now i'm gonna look like the right t-head that's what i'm gonna look like your money's on the on the table phil thanks dr rob it was a pleasure hell yeah i'm sorry right shut up you tart you're still going to be my best man aren't you yeah of course i am yeah we'll have a good old knees arpe i think i've had enough of that for one night rodney and and i'll tell you what we have a good old sing song yeah as long as you don't mind me sounding like the bee gees i do solemnly declare i do solemnly declare that i know of no lawful impediment that i know of no lawful impediment why i may not be joined in matrimony to this woman cassandra louise parry why i may not be joined in matrimony to this woman cassandra louise perry do you have the rain now repeat after me i call upon these persons here present i call upon these persons here present to witness that i rodney charlton trotter goodnight rodney charlton trotter i would appreciate it if the guests would conduct themselves in an animal becoming to the occasion thank you that i've rodney charlton trucker take this woman cassandra louise parry to be my lawful wedded wife take this woman cassandra louise perry to be my lawful wedded wife now repeat after me i call upon these persons here present i call upon these persons hear presents to witness that i cassandra louise parry to witness that eye cassandra louise parry take this man rodney rodney trotter this man rodney trotter to be my lawful wedded husband to be my lawful wedded husband now you have now both made the declarations required by law and if you have made a solemn and binding contract with each other in the presence of your witnesses you are now husband and wife you may kiss the bride thank you [Applause] you

Channel: BBC Comedy Greats

Views: 1,993,852

Keywords: bbc, bbc comedy greats, bbc comedy, comedy greats, british comedy, stand up, Sitcom, Comedian, Comic, Sketch show, only fools and horses, only fools & horses, only fools and horses theme, only fools, del boy, trotters, rodney trotter, del trotter, dave trotter, uncle albert, fools and horses trigger, fools and horses batman and robin, trigger, dels rhino film, only fools australia, only fools and horses going to australia, only fools and horses series 6

Id: 6xaLWhj6eq4

Length: 47min 51sec (2871 seconds)

Published: Sun Aug 08 2021