The Very Best of Steptoe and Son (1993 UK VHS)

so [Music] [Music] so [Music] do [Music] so hmm [Laughter] um so oh uh having a bit of tit trouble oh yes yeah yeah they're little devils aren't they i'll use a tile out for the milkman but he never puts it over them um may i have a word with you certainly doctor uh would you like a cup of tea yeah it's nice oh and the kitchen if you don't mind i'm afraid the lounge is looking a bit like a multi-way cafe at the moment yes must be a lot of work for you to do on your own what with uh looking after your father as well yeah you can say that again i'm knackered uh and now we have another teapot somewhere oh yes here we are i heard this is all right oh god what has he done in this i mean you never know in this house you'll be surprised some of the things about ipod seen him would you curse sit down thank you i'm not to do your rounds without stuck on your two houses would you well you helped bedside rendering stuff a bit having marked with gem all over the caterpillar is my uh aged p to be able to get up soon will you um no i'm offended oh how long do you think then well it's difficult to say but he might be in bed for some considerable time what all day i'm sure sure you get up and do a better craft oh i'm afraid not not for a long while you see your father's not getting any younger what's wrong with me once he's back he's got some disc trouble he's in great pain every time he moves they don't move all that much of the best of time the only effect of remedy is complete bed rest i see there long thought well as i say we don't know it might think days might take weeks weeks i can't look at that room for weeks i mean i've got work to do man i can't do it i mean i'm shagged out but not when i get home as it is i mean i'm always falling asleep on a plank it wasn't for the horse knowing the way i am we'd never get here some nights there really is nothing we can do except wait ginger snaps all custard creams and i do try and look on the bright side you know sometimes these things clear up overnight just like that hang out with him he'll hang it out look if he's as bad as as what you say he is well shouldn't he be in in hospital i mean that's what i placed my stamps for i banged him in hospital i don't mind coming to see him i'm afraid not to say there really is a terrible shortage of beds i'll bang him on the floor then at least go back back it's only a world of good a nice heart floor you don't seem to be very sympathetic towards him oh look doctor i know him he's not as bad as he makes out you think he's ill believe me you're banging him in a hospital stretch him on the floor and he'll make a quickest recovery not a medical science that'd be a miracle cure like damn filipino doctors it's out of the question we only use hospital to beds in an emergency besides you can recover much more quickly at home i don't should believe it nobody's got me on the move he'll be sitting up there like the khalifa baghdad rubbing his bleeding expect me to appear every five minutes coming oh great one pick your turn hey sure there must be something you could do i mean can't you give him a shot of something like a 0.303 have you tried acupulture i've got a ton of gramophone needles out here though the only remedy is rest and understanding now as he gets older this is going to happen to him more and more often huh you're just going to have to fix it he's going to need constant attention you don't have to spell it out i can see it all stretching out before me i've seen it on the pictures poor lonely 40 year old jane wyman devoting her life to nagging moaning miserable day maywitty another picture somebody used to come along herbert marshall usually and take the glasses off she let her hair down the old cow had kicked the bucket and they'd all live happy ever after no that's not gonna happen to me no but he's gonna let my air down it'll bleed and fall out before he's finished with me well i'll pop in again in a few days time in the meantime this should ease the pain a little while thank you doctor how many do i take therefore your father these are sleeping tablets [Applause] where's that key you bet give me some more these won't last long i'll leave it to you come on doc and i'll call it again on friday yes well if i can drag myself to the door i shall let you you don't care about me do you i'm in [Music] and [Music] service sir whilst the champagne the caviar and pressed that wasn't sir where did breed nellie will be terribly sorry sir there's been trouble in the kitchen the winemaker informs me that the reef click clicko 55 has run out and would sir mind making do with the pg tips 74. never mind about that all now what did old crippen say don't take no notice of him he's a liar i am ill yes i know i what do you say nothing now let's talk about it now what are you saying nothing what's wrong with me nothing nothing nothing to worry about look just put it out of your mind forget it you've had a good life that's the main thing you're hiding something from me what's wrong with me don't think of the future dad particular past all those carefree golden days of your youth the long hot summers walking through the meadows landing and the pretty girl on your arm the butterflies the babbling brook on the scent of new wrong hay those smocked farmers drinking from their jugs of sight as they lean on their pitchforks taking a weller and rest the flowers wrong with me you're dying i'm not oh my god i've got a bad back i'm sorry daddy i didn't mean to be the first to tell you i didn't need to let it out drink your tea quickly what did he say he said he said you've only got three days to live starting from now tick tock tick tock he says you got a bad back i know i've got a bad back well that shows my good doctor who is done i told him i'd got a bad back i want to know why i've got a bad back lack of youth he said you just gotta get out bed and do the housework no he didn't he told me i'd have to stay in bed all the time perhaps for weeks oh dear hello i don't know who's going to look after you then well you are ain't you me no i've just come off the phone i've been booking up my holiday glad it's cool more for them come on wall yes i'm going to do a bit of shark fishing but they all surfing wipe out you want to come with me would you how can i surf i can hardly surface oh [ __ ] well is there anything else you want me before i go and pack them you can't go out i can't move oh well that's him i'll do them i'll bring up some tins of food and i'll leave them on the end of a bed you'll be able to meet somebody all right yeah yeah cheerio i shall send you a card i shall leave the front door up and the doctor can bring it out when he calls off friday hello see you next month harold don't leave me i'm ill i really am in this time i won't ask for match harold i got some bad news for you i'm from the cornish police your son arrow has been took by a manny in pilchard [Laughter] i might as well have been i'm gonna be eaten by a little sprat now anyway come on drink it thanks so i won't be a burden to you honestly i know you've a lot to do i know it's going to be hard on you but i'm not skiving honestly i'm not i know that i was just mucking about just getting a few laughs in before it all turns out you tell us a lot what else did you say well if you want what he told you you've got some disc trouble in your back you've got to stay in bed until he gets better well now you're going to manage i don't know but we'll manage we always do you're a good boy harold i appreciate it really i do is there anything i can get you no i don't want anything i don't want to bother you that's what i i don't mind what do you want no i don't want to be any trouble i don't mind what do you want i don't mind another cup of tea that one's cold [Music] could you bring him up with you yes dick oh aaron is that do you think you could make a little sandwich yes that's uh what do you want i don't mind anything oh let's see yeah corn beef no uh cheese and tabata no uh peanut butter and pickle [Music] what do you want it oh anything i don't mind i could go a nice sausage sandwich we've got no sausages but couldn't you go out and get some then never get it yes yes so i'll go and get some sausages [Music] yes harold yes i want to go to the lavatory well i can't do that for you i'll get you a milk bottle that's not good oh gold i got a bedpan hold on i'll go out and get one no i can't use them never could use them you'd have to carry me carry it there and back hand back three times a day yes sir yes come money here we go little bony okay you're a good boy harold so you said could you bring the television up and then the telephone right laughter could you go around to the library i need some books to change [Music] and then later on pop down to the off license and get some beer oh oh be careful you're urging me i'm sorry [Laughter] oh oh [Music] yes hello oh hello clarence how are you oh terrible i'm in agony every time i move it's been a fortnight now hmm harold oh he's hopeless i've seen him for half an hour all he thinks of is himself and pleasure early can offer come round last night spent a couple of hours brahms and lists we got he got a bird with him hmm about 50. her husband's just died you can guess what from from the look of her she's promised to come around sometime and duff up me pillows where's my back no chance oh well you know seeing you all right come on i'm sorry dad i just come in from shopping what do you want racing in kenton park that's all i'll shout when i want you bring me books from the library yeah yeah ready ready don't like him ready that was a waste of time wasn't it i have nothing to read now got some more to dump clothes yet yeah we'll take that tray down with you i hate the smell of old food anybody did you like the steak is that what it was terrible old gristle and garlic you know i don't like garlic i thought it would bring out the flavor well it didn't and it was fried you know i like it grilled well the grill's broken well you can mend it can't you you're not hopeless are you and the peas were like bullets if that's the mess you can do don't i sooner starve i'm sorry dad i'll do better tonight i got a nice bit of fish i don't like fish what is it a place didn't they have no dover soul what about the thirty pop of time if i'm not worth 30 bob when i'm ill i'll make do with the place i i'll get you a dover stolen an arrow now what did you go out in the rounds today no no it didn't why not because if you recall i'll be down the library round the first shop up the half license twice round the chemist now the grocers and then between up and up and down them stairs 23 times and i'm not going out again why to get 100 yards of rope what floor i'm going to make a noose out of one end and put it around my neck i'm going to put the other end in your end i would be grateful if in future you don't shout just pull i should know you want me might even help me get up the stairs quicker believe me them stairs if you get it look like the north face of the eiger i see it's wearing off is it i'm becoming a burden am i no right whatever in a bigger one rest assured i shall carry out my filial duties and now if you could please refrain from wanting anything for the next 15 minutes i'm going to put my feet in water right here's a candle volume on i can't hear a thing oh [Laughter] [Music] how do you want your face done grilled with new potatoes [Music] now that's it that oh clothes knocking that's hard i love them today hmm oh i feel like a beard oh why is his life full of cow we have no time to stand and stare no time to see her beauty's glad so watch her feet how they can dance that's funny those two cans of lager in here this morning well i didn't have him and i don't thank the ulcers adam so that leaves that perpendicular punch upstairs but also cats for the gradual disappearance of all the pink ones in my licorice also harold hello are you in here [Music] what kind of fool am i [Laughter] yeah just give us five minutes ted how you feeling dad oh no i'm so good it's getting worse i think i'm going to be up here for quite a while here oh i am sorry i'll just help you make you feel better did you give me something nice and cheesy bacon sausage is it yes a lot i want you some pickled onions and four slices of bread and butter yes and two tins of lager enough about the licorice also pink ones right you can have all of that later but first you're going to have a blanket because you is a dirty little man i mean you've put it back for every three weeks now and you haven't had a proper wash have you here we go [Applause] stinks [Applause] [Applause] a miracle cure [Applause] but turn us into a grotto a grudgy [Applause] fight [Applause] [Applause] [Music] so [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] uh [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] can't have a pass tonight for of all times you could have picked would you want to go and pick the night for what's your nightmare i told you this morning delia's coming around tonight dania i have invited around the cocktails before we got down bingo you just have to get out that's all you guess you're in well you just have to get out again look i know what in arguing about it i don't want dealer to see my bed [ __ ] drunk in the timber other people don't live light out there not anymore those days is gone you know what else to go back here look i told them not to expect a palace but i didn't say nothing about scruffy old gitz having a bath in front behind a bag army room bring down a whole town replace sweat away it was a social stigma these days you might as well have the whole sitting in the armchair and i'm done with it i got much here but we have my atmosphere i'm sure you see my part of you dad when i introduce dealer to you and you shake hands whether you stand up all sit down it's gonna be rude out of one lie and get out of here finish when she coming about corbin i'll do and you'll be finished well i might be if you give me a hand you're not being very helpful are you oh why what do you want me to do don't get another hot water getting cocky in there well go on it's on the gas oh hi but hold it up what a way to live [Laughter] uh you dirty oh what are you doing with them onions oh they fell in the water well you don't put them back in the jar there's nothing i'm going to leave in the water do you mind watching a onions can i you should be eating your dinner in a bar the bath is for washington you bath in the bath and you eat your dinner at the dinner table you're getting worse you are come on give him his ear come on look we've got a dustbin outside that's to put all your scraps and rubbish in what do you think they come around every tuesday fall to empty it they don't even bother anymore there's never anything in ours it's all in here yes i am finicky yes when it comes to something like this i'm finicky you wouldn't have told me about them onions would you you wouldn't tell me i've been in your bath water you'd have sat down watch me eat them and you wouldn't have said nothing not going to do anything at all but it's something all that anyway there was only in there for governmentation i'll do that i felt i see your reasoning look pickled onions in vinegar in vinegar not salt and water far why am i on is the taste of this is not only beside the point it's irrelevant other way you look at it to fish pickled onions out of your carport and put them back in the jar is an act of extreme dirtiness oh don't you tell me to hurry up you're the one's always on about me having a ball now minute i'm gonna stay until i've finished here come on get that water in there move you right you should have your knees poking out above me wow that's better circulating round now yeah it gets people with it wow [Music] and it's hard take your terry on you're not seeing what's inside why not your dealers that's right i'll get out of that dirt you know what i got in come on i told you hurry up look if you're not finished by the time i'm ready i'll take you out on the floor [Applause] you wouldn't like a little white telephone would you want to see it dangle your leg i'm going to started to pulse off you know i'm smelly nice oh that's very nice hey if you want me to hurry under this bath first embark sources shut up oh jazz me oh yes that's very new very eastern ching ching ching back [Music] give the sign that thy slave girls might bring in the ash's milk that thy whole body may be sued for this correctness you'll get my ears slammed right around your ear on the mini well i'll be jasmine it's in a scoring powder that's what you need oh is there anything else i can do for you a wise one yeah you can hang that up for me there is no excuse for this sort of thing i know i ain't got a washing machine but you can take them out to the lawn direct take them to the long dress i can't that's the only pair i've got i [Music] [Music] oh he's ripped oh now kick what i want to get my bow tie done up these fast dots comes after long time dissolving [Music] i'm having a little difficulty with my bow tie well i'll call them hands around you'll get mine join don't keep talking like that those days has gone please don't make a book of yourself you ain't old enough to water me anymore mate and if you do i shall pull those dirty little towels of yours and have you under the water before you can look round the kickball all i wanted was to be back scrub you wouldn't think that would be too much to ask your own flesh and blood smile jack was baking oh god i have to do everything for you in and out of the bed in and out of the lavatory up and down the stairs i could do everything for it i used to lie what did all right do you want your backstop dude you're right you want [Music] wolf [Music] come on hurry up get up get up to burn you back you can't move when you get up [ __ ] you can't come in and see you in the mood come on come on put that around here come on get up if you don't get up to bed i'll take your teeth away yeah you think you're trust don't you i'll get you one day get off the bed one day i'll get you you've got bad blood in me nobody's blowing you i'll creep in one night and what if you get a heartbeat out of gas pipe right across your throat you won't know what it said try and cross your throat and don't forget my cocoa [Music] oh hello could you come in i thought there was no one in i've been knocking the door down that's what i was just getting the ice out of the fridge for the cocktails ah just fine oh my god would you uh care for a drink yes i'll have a manhattan a manhattan frustration that's that is a very attractive dress you're wearing my dear it's very charming it ought to be not in about 20 quid i only got it on today oh yes it's always worth pie for quality to uh that's him again all right i'll get you a glass of water do you try and be sick put your fingers down [Applause] [Music] this is what i went out for this is what i'm back with look mate just because you collected one bar don't mean you can retire yeah this won't fetch much it's time for fetching it's for using all right we're not gonna flog it this is for us what we want about for we got now already i'll tell you mate i am not going through a recurrence of what happened in there last night i have never been so humiliated in all my life i tell you when dealer disappeared into your bath ward i could have died well i've always been a bit cheery about people knowing we bathed in the front room but i never ever thought they'd find out by falling into the bleeding all right we've have a proper bathroom with running water and bath mats and neck no more that is laden labeling the water in and then lightening it up again back into the kitchen we're gonna have plumbing and pipes and things and plug holes that's gonna cost a bit in it putting a bath in parts and drains and all that lock where are we going to put it we ain't got a bathroom getting filled with that did you hey you hadn't all of that that's the trouble with you you get these big ideas i have fault about it i've thought about it for a long time on exactly how much it's going to cost i know exactly where it's going i've got it all in my mind oh where's that wrong where we have a dining room a kitchen your bedroom and mothers and nothing more it won't go in the lavatory even if you stand it up that leaves the stable and out here in the yard and i am sleeping in this table not with no horse yeah i'm mixing with animals no let me all days and i ain't sleeping out here either are you done are you finished i mean clock i was in well i only wanted to know where it was going to go i'll tell you where it's going in your bedroom hey yes so there it is you're getting out and the bath's going in yeah not having my bedroom i don't know much from my dish but a place to like the age one of them yeah i need my bedroom not that be reasonable you admitted yourself there's nowhere else that can't go but about your bedroom you're the one that swats the bar do what my bedroom is now good you see it's a question of plumbing the rise and the fall and whenever i'm going on my side of the house your bedroom's the only place it can go it's right under the system it's very regrettable but there it is and may i ask where do you intend banging me i'm not banging you anywhere i'm transferring you all right go on where oh there's our little cupboard under the stove covered under the stairs what do you think i am a bleeding mouse there's no need to be difficult it's not as bad as all that have you seen that little cupboard under the stairs lately i was very surprised at how warm and airy it is very roomy very cosy i think you like it i don't intend to find out whether i like it or not oh that's nice that's very nice under the stairs in my own house hello dad look at this way oh i suppose there's octopus what happens there where is he there he is under the stairs again but daddy won't look like a cupboard i'll do it up for you just like barry's house there's all that matchboarding and ultimately look white from also what about where it slopes down to nothing at one end where your feet could power that then you're looking for snags now aren't you you're only a little float you know you don't need much room in any case you don't need much room in a bedroom look you get that door closed in the winter you'll be well away you won't want to come out after a while i won't be able to get out if you're going to be difficult there's no point in arguing about it i have said my sight i have made you a perfectly good offer i'm willing to do up the box room under the stairs ah oh it's a box room now look i'll put electric light in a little bit of carpet down for your wall to wall you'll be very comfortable then you might have to get up a bit early on thursday morning when a bloke comes out and read the gas meter but apart completely self-contained and if you wants to choose some night light pastel shades on the walls make the room seem a lot bigger you are not having my bedroom i'll be quite frank with you dave i'm not prepared to go on living any longer in a house without a bathroom i don't think you realize how degrading it is it's uncivilized when called blaming the greeks had baths 2000 years ago and here we are 1963 the affluent flatulence society never had it so good do you realize that there are four million houses in this country without bathrooms four million days and that don't include the poor devils who ain't even got a house well they aren't gonna degrade me no longer mate they aren't looking down on me no more the great unwashed that's what we are mate the great unwashed but not any longer because i build my own bathroom i'm not waiting for them day we got dignity dead the facilities the babe once person should be the inherent right of all me so there it is either we put a bathroom in or i shall be forced to consider the question of my future living accommodation now you think about it well i'm getting your stuff out and another thing don't go putting your law sentiment in my whiskey ah since yeah these things aren't gonna spread me laugh under the stairs another thing coming [Music] [Music] oh yeah so we'll rip that all out we'll put glass bricks all at the side don't you worry about it i'll get around to it when i've done the bathroom that's not good enough to get around to it i should come first i'll give up my bedroom you shouldn't start at my bedroom before your bathroom how long was you going to take it to the bathroom i don't know a couple of days i suppose a couple of days i ain't sleeping in that cupboard for a couple of days unless done up and you've seen the status in full of spiders that should do the trick we should get the right number of firms out of that mind out there's one thing i can't stand in spiders how old you know i don't like spiders you hear me put some frogs in there that'll get rid of them i'm getting frogs jumping all over me pleasure arrows i want me room deck oh let's go don't you realize how long you design me the long it'll be before i've got your room finished now be patient it won't be long come on give us hand down the stairs [Music] right match him out of my bedroom are you when i finish here is it you right so it's finished come here look this is what it is going to look like this is the one i'm copying i got it at home and beauty are you making this look like that yeah they're quite simple look i'm going to block the bathroom with this you see like this now i'm going to put that plastic padding around it you know quilted so your tiles is now good now oh no no no see your trend is definitely away from tiles it's too clinical all right now parts in that picture that's well i'm going to box them in aren't i more about the gaze there i'll box that in they know no i'm going to turn it on no i'll put a little door in it needs air to it get hot in there liable to go on fire then i'll put little air holes in it won't i well i don't see the point of putting arrows and doors on it if you're going to box it in look you're just kind of standing knocking you might as well clear out come on come on clean your cupboard up this is all in pink you ain't nothing far well completely connor there's lots of water resistant fights about anyways once and i don't want anything i don't have to blindly follow their color scheme you know oh yeah watch this what now how that oh yes well that's what their friends call a bigot i've never seen my name before once it's four well it's a salt of a small buff it's for washing your feet in before you get into the big bar so as you won't make the water dirty for washing your face it's very handy you're a man lemonade oh yes i think i'll beat that it's very essential to a well-appointed bathroom i'm leaving spice for one if i can find one on the ground i'm going to bang it in be very elegant man count your penny it won't work nothing you touch ever works you can't eat valentine's day that's typical in it i know now encouragement always knocking yeah you'll be the first one in when it's finished won't you every three months go on go on run clean your room out ah [Music] you don't live here oh yes i live here with my dad looks like a junkyard oh really it's quite nice inside it's more what you might call a muse cottage with stables do go in for a cocktail what about your dad i'll be all right we won't disturb him oh look there's a light on in the bathroom he must be up there having a bath because we got a bath you know oh yes he's always bathing my dad he's bath mad oh well if you think it'd be all right oh yes you'll go straight to bed after his bath to come in oh [Music] is how did that happen i could have told you if you'd asked me that's why i moved my bed over when i saw the worm was in it you put it the wrong side look at that rotten it is rough thinking that lucky i wasn't in it at the time well don't worry about me if you want your girlfriend here molly marlene [Music] you're gonna mess it up for me a guy not you oh oh it's nothing to do with me it's on my forklift kate came through the ceiling but you could have cleaned it up couldn't you you didn't need to have a bath tonight you knew i was springing around yeah you get another one oh no if you want a spark i put the kid along [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] um [Music] [Applause] your mother with no respect training ships touching the ropes and doing a power good [Music] so [Music] my [Music] so [Music] uh [Music] cleaning the house cleaning this table cleaning up the yard i'm sorry dad you really must take things more easy [Music] [Applause] [Laughter] you lazy little turd lazy me i've only just since been in shut down i've been working hard all day well somehow that's how i've been not tried as me i've been cleaning up the house cleaning out the table clearing up the yard i'm sorry dad you really must type things more easy there's one mission i'm an old man first of all you fancy doing a stupid thing like that you might give me a heart attack a sudden shock like that power some magic i'll try yourself a little ice i can't do now on pop yes oh it's just very nice that's very south of france isn't it well i've been fighting on the cart oh yes it's very santro pay where's bridget bardolin hear me coming did she pop inside and put on her bra didn't she use home so early obviously so this is how the jet set live is it the outer remnants of a sirloin steak a green salad tossed i may add an ice cream a panatella and a quarter brownie very nice do you know what i had a corned beef sandwich and a drink from the horse's bucket i got yours inside same as this is it not exactly oh waffle well what what has the worker come home too what has the galloping gourmet created for me today shepherd's pie and bread and butter pudding both dishes made obviously from the corned beef sandwich while i brought armies to die well you always let me save money and food's very expensive nowadays do you know what a steak calls uh let me think 106 a pound and two coupons at least that's what it was the last time you gave me me that's a lie you had a rum steak last thursday did i wasn't as rampant come off of bleeding come on did you come home so early for anyway i came home early cause i'm knackered but it's hot today there's 82 degrees in the shade and i didn't have any i do not have a power soul and a cooling bucket of drinks and the car to keep me going also does not have an electric vent in fact the only window i've got is from the ulcer's tail he tries to prevent the necks from congregating around his bottle and glass you bring back much home with you oh oh how perceptive you're getting better watson i'm gonna wear about three and a half foot of lead piping an old table and a platinum down he said we'll not keep you in a minute to which you is accustomed but this uh could be valuable eve that's a what about the saw machine how do you recognize it takes you back to your lecherous youth does it you used to have to be 15 to watch them me and charlie harris used to lift each other up eighteen each oh better than the pictures they are you can stop the angle i'll stop you and if you don't help us down what's it like have you seen it what's it about isn't the one about the maid having a bath or one without the mistress getting caught in the rain and taking all the clothes off in the woods i don't know i hadn't seen it yet here it's french fifi ayla photography here i remember that one who's red hot that is she's standing there in the raw posing and the photographer emerges from under his black clothes with nothing on except his socks and suspenders yeah come on hurry up let's get it inside oh what calm down i'll have to rub you down with an ice cube mic let's have a look let's have a look the guy put honey in it i got a penny got a penny oh pennies oh gold bleeding decimalization when you're not going to come away 30 seconds worth of red hot porn and they change the currency i want i'll get out your pram patience patience grace darlings of the rescue 1907 oh edward the seventh hey blah blah but you knew the model well didn't you mate go on in you can go and have another look at her hang on that girl hang on uh uh it's my machine known as privilege you can have your penis in a minute hey what's happening what's happening oh she's not bad she must be knocking on 78 now i'll do it however did you get to nobody [Music] that's not what it's gone out let's stop wait get going your cow son three episodes three pence twisters in them days too that is better yes oh oh oh oh she's showing an ankle must be the biggest pair of stairs i've ever seen like a trampoline oh now let the god i think they'll get them all show a shower get out of it look at the size of those legs she could play for british line she could yeah hello hello hello here comes the photographer from underneath the cloth you're right he got his socks on you dirty on me i can see your bone but when he dusts on his bum he's got tights on oh one time oh god it's gone out again it always does when you come to the interesting bid oh wait that's not what what well it's different story i mean this is a girl in a bathroom not even a side bird oh dear what a tight hey this is 1920s this is when oh it's all right though oh she's nice there she goes she's stripped all right hello hello hello the door's opening here we come this is the milkman how ridiculous can you get the crate of milk and don't trousers is he pouring the milk into the bowl he pointed milk in him all over him now is he getting into the bathroom yeah yeah yeah i'll come away you don't want to see any more of that anyway i'm enjoying it you don't want to watch it harold it's not good for you it's disgusting oh get out of it lighting innocent people that's what they were doing mass unemployment young men not work for years no money no food no knowledge of where the first next penny was coming from leaning up against a wall all day and then a fella comes up in a big car and says you're a fine upstanding lump of a man aren't you how would you like to earn a fiver how would you like to be in films why are you going out because i'd be quiet with you oh god here we go coming out and last for long now what is he gonna do with that loofah he's doing his pieces he looked a bit like you he looks a lot like [Laughter] you don't understand we was all out to work how could you lower yourself you were laughing just now i didn't realize it was my father dinner no milk you put enough of it in a bath didn't you i managed to take the leave-overs back home managed to keep a quart back i'll cut you oh father a male linda lovelace i didn't know it don't be like that i thought it was going to be a real film i thought i might be on into galmont another rudolph valentino that's what he said i might realize when i got there you know photographers shed in the gold orc road very mgm yeah this one they're pulling it down that's where i got them from i can't believe my old father oh god what my poor mother must have gone through she didn't know about this did she cause she did that was her sister in the barn auntie rose yeah she died in pneumonia two weeks later oh you mustn't blame it it wasn't her fault it wasn't my fault either there were hard times everything we had was in porn so were you on nothing happened it was just pretend but i just was back i mean it looked as if it happened first two penny of it was quite innocent that was just to cover up for the disgusting penalty it was in it wasn't as bad as that not as bad as that supposing people was to recognize you ah after all this time that was 50 years ago well i recognised you you won't change all that much you're just as horrible then as you are now you don't seem to realize that the position this could place me now we're getting at it it's you you're worried about i'm entitled to be let me just go i i'd be a laughing stock this could ruin my whole social standing in the community this yeah what social standing you know very well how long i've tried to get into the acton-hill golf club five years miss badin i've been a son of a wagon bowman they're very choosy no see much no commonwealth i mean and certainly no sons of silent porn stars but even today but that allow hectors in even know what keeps our clothes on oh no no i should be black balls straight away once again you're doing my chance to better myself haven't you you make me laugh you do you don't mind going and playing to see other people with their clothes off that's all right oh you can't get enough of them french films well they're somebody's mothers and fathers or sons and daughters as well oh that doesn't matter as long as not one of your own anyway don't matter these days all the film stars do it marlon brando oliver reed they've all showed the bums they don't do it for a fiver though do they and how could you liken yourself to oliver even marlon brando look at you then now i mean i mean there is a world of of difference between an artistic flash in a highly charged dramatic film and your performance there wasn't even a story a milkman with a crate of milk and no trousers off well he lasted a minute there wasn't time for trousers and boots oh for a penny i don't know what you're worried about nobody ever saw it it was censored there was a police right and they destroyed every coffee they burst in just when we finished a night in a turkish irene i remember i was frog master up the gold orc road in a policeman's cape and a pair of curly toed slippers oh no i'm not in a t you always said there's more at these things i told you they've all been destroyed an hour that one escape line of skype don't you worry i shall destroy myself no no you haven't seen the rest of it yet go on arrow no thank you i've no desire to see the rest of it i've seen all i need to thank you very much harold may have a look at it before you do away with it i'd like to see it just once before you burn it yes sir go on look at him i think you ought to just see how disgusting you were what's the matter you're ashamed of yourself no it's just funny seeing what you look like all them years ago well we all has to get old don't we it happened to me one day oh come on come on don't mess about come on pull yourself let's help me to get rid of this oh god that one's going to recognize me it's even gotten castles milk a lady starving albert's stepped up and rose bum clock oh harold can i keep one of the pictures look has a memory just to look at now and again nick no they're too inflammable nobody'd see them i'd keep it in my suitcase no i'm i'm i'm sorry dead it's best to try to forget all about this sorry episode in your life and i shall try to do the same i have to destroy them all whatever you say i don't you look worse than the skeleton he's well oh look at his shoulders poor old devil covered in pimples anybody at home really it was just a victim a prisoner a capitalist he didn't stand a chance though oh my god oh yes i do hope you're not intruding i did knock but you appeared not to hear oh no no not so please please don't come in oh you are something interesting no no no it's just something what i'll picks up off of the round it's afternoon vicar mrs vicker this is cake bread well this is a pleasant surprise hey hello i got an idea [Laughter] you can't catch me again it seems we've come at an inopportune time no no no no no not at all my my father was just taking his daily bath wasn't you phil yeah that's just what i was going to do when i was go get some clothes on father i'm sorry about the uh i'm sorry if you saw me i'll be back a minute i do apologize i wouldn't have subjected you to a site like that for all the cult oh don't worry young man charles and i started our early missionary days in the congo oh some of those chaps now were built like or wasn't the pygmies oh i can never remember oh well anyway straight from a dorset vicarage to there a girl soon learns to take it in her stride oh i'll forget my manners please do sit down how would you like to snoop stand and grow good oh can i have you some refreshment uh a sherry potato uh it's very good it's the one awesome wells drinks we will stop long we've come about the church fit and jumble sale you know white elephant stall and all that yeah we wondered whether you had any old bits and pieces we could put on the stall how about my father well every little helps yeah so we'll see what we can dig out some old picassos wrestlers mother something for you yes splendid i'll send the scouts around to collect them oh i will leave them out in the oven i say isn't that an old what the battle saw machine yes yes it is i haven't seen one of those in a month of sabbaths may i um have a turn oh no now it takes out pennies uh i might have one we still get them in the collection you know no no no no it's broken oh what a shame uh perhaps we can get it mended it's just what we're looking for to liven up the fate it would be a good fundraiser there surely not not a church fight well they're quite harmless aren't they quite innocuous we see much worse on the tele don't win not like this you don't yeah there may i have a little no wow it's uh it's uh it's it's uh it's empty oh i i thought i saw you put the drum back in no no that then was just blanks uh sort of a test card oh pity still it's a nice machine though um you wouldn't consider donating it to us for sale um they're very collectible those are now i can't sell it myself we could split it 50 50. 60 40. i do so desperately need new bells desperately [Music] yes yes hello all right oh thank you very much empty yes yes of course oh thank you so much this is very kind of you good day to you the lord be with you and with you 60 40. you should need him already good day mr septo quite an indian summer we're having yeah well there's enough of them living around here what did i want on the ear roll again you realize he very nearly saw these i'm gonna burn this as it's far too dangerous to be left lying around believe me mate there's gonna be no phoenix riding from these bleeding ashes [Music] [Music] excuse me this is the queue for tea please you must be joking look mr stepto how can i thank you enough what's going on over there it's a great success we haven't stopped taking money on it since we opened but it's haven't seen it was you wouldn't believe how lucky we've been our foraging party of boy's scout while searching among the debris of demolished photographers shed in the goldhalk road oh no it came across under the floorboards and old what the butter saw um a thingamajig of pictures what a success we're selling old pennies at 10 pence each and we've already taken over 55. that excuse me look maintenance you it curly town's slippers and suspenders i'm not in a turkish hero you mucky descent going on we get off oh god it's all over my shoulder sodom and gomorrah i don't know how you can let your flock see things like this i wouldn't show them to parisians let alone parishioners excuse me please [Music] [Applause] [Music] for charity i say this is splendid i didn't know your father was famous what has he done oh you might as well see them everybody else says [Music] autographs two shillings excuse me is that your dad no no he's a complete stranger to me [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] so [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] so [Music] so [Music] oh [Music] ah that's it marla baby hang it out mama right on baby oh marla compared with you picasso's a load of oh crap oh god what time is it i lost 12. oh well that's the late night movie at the spot oh i was looking forward to that we don't get enough george formby films he got the naughty eye that flickered you should see him flickering ladies and gentlemen brother let's lock up the straight leopard boy my bester shot he won't feed my little wrong what's that you leave me out here in the pouring rain you want me to get pneumonia don't you oh god i didn't know you're ah ha ha no umbrella's up in the house it's bad luck tell you what it's almost 12 or not where have you been to this time of night the last quarter of an hour have been standing out there knocking the door down i didn't hear you ah you was asleep weren't you that bleeding horrible music blaring out horrible marla my ken russell swat you did where's your front door key anyway there somewhere i'm not carrying that one surrounded me in this weather if i was struck by lightning out of addict you were like home i'll always where were you i called in skinner's arms for a drink on the way out and if they all sat in the pouring rain no i didn't i took him in the saloon barn i bought him a pineapple and a packet of crisps he knows what his right leg's for don't you really because i left him outside zombie's got air hasn't he you don't get as wet as i do proxy weather three solid days it's been raining it's all them indians over here they brought the monsoons with them they're all moaning round the corner in calcutta crescent i think they're afraid their crops will get washed away cold or roads flooded i know i've just been down there haven't i and bus drivers they see a paddle and they go straight to it the waves went right over the top of me umbrella standing there like a drowned rat i was myself fault you should be out this time of night this we're about your age where have you been i've been now i know you've been out where oh it ain't your kung fu night okay john an hml time dancing an angel called on blur cookery classes you ain't been guiding them called on blurs lately i think you've been playing the wag judging by that load of old rubbish you served up last night that was a cock-o-van that was a cock-up [Music] but it shouldn't be feathers in the gravy sure oh goodness for tonight gordo that was lovely that was rubbish a bit of a beef in pastry it's not little bits of beef in pastry if you're going to criticize my and get the name right it's boof wellington [Laughter] i wonder where my last pair got to leave mind your own business that is my business i'm responsible for you half past 12 at night roaming the streets in a plastic mac and what are people going to think they got over jack the ripper around here look i've been sat here sick with huawei i mean suppose frozen you was ill supposing you was knocked down by a bus they don't knock me down they just go through the puddles put that right through your puddles if you don't own up now come on where have you been i suppose you'll break me down eventually i might as well tell you now i've been to a spiritualist meeting you've been working to a spiritual in this meeting you haven't not really yeah i have i've been in contact with the dead how about that scared them what do you mean you have been in contact with today i have i spoke to dan lino tonight and henry yates then lino and then with the eighth are they doing a double act i think i say i say henry who is that lady i thought you moved last night that was no lady that was my fourth wife you don't believe me do you of course i don't believe it but it's true i was at a seance down the gold dog road oh well that explains blindside i mean then with the eighth was always up and down the goal don't run you could keep him away forget a bird down there so let me let me get this straight you have been sitting there in the coal talk road and a parlour in the dark yeah six of us all around the table holding hands and then all of a sudden she goes into a trance who does the medium madame fontana and she introduces a spirit guide a reds indian yeah how'd you know they're always red indians yeah well this one's geronimo and he says i have somebody here who would like to speak to all of you there and then this voice says good evening this is henry viii speaking and tonight is my guest [Music] i'm going to give a big hand to my first guest and your friend of my friend dan leno you're not going to take it seriously i'm going to bed about nonsense you don't believe me dear i've always comes off since he said i mean he said he was christopher columbus should have believed it no i wouldn't because i met him last week yeah very nice he was yeah i got on well with chris christopher columbus spoke to you that's right and english of course yeah as a matter of fact yeah and a cockney accent no we had an american accent i think he's born in general 500 years ago and he's got an american accent very reasonable well he discovered it didn't he he probably rubbed off on him but it's a take-off i mean you hear a few voices i somehow bird doing at my yard and you get sucked in i mean after the show your bugger and father you're aimed out into the gold orc road and you get after him by a passing bus he's also pathetic you're so skeptical he spoke well of you who candy i've never met candy in my life well you don't have to meet them they know all about you you're taking the gypsies aren't you he said don't worry about harold he said he's going to do all right i am all i don't need candy to tell me oh cool i've been waiting for this i've been watching for the first science i've seen i'll decay and now we've got it it's all over my old manzanota he's gone squirrels it's very real they're all up there waiting to contact us all sitting around waiting to be called sounds like rounded back on the michael parkinson's show don't look dead dead it doesn't happen like that i mean there's no such thing once you're dead you're dead think about it i mean why should christopher columbus want to talk to you he never been any further than the isle of wight i mean if he if he's up there he's got drake to talk to uh mcgillin captain cook van diemen why should he want to come down at goldhalk road and talk to a rag and boneman i don't know why does anybody want to talk to parkinson all i know is they spoke to me you tell me how did you get involved in all this it was dorothy dorothy yeah i met her down at the darby and joan club lovely woman you'd like her harold i'm very fond of her and you're both very lonely that's right and she's a spiritualist yeah and she introduced you to uh madame marcarti yeah no santana and dorothy is a winter woman yeah how'd you know that's what got her into it she's trying to get in touch with her husband any luck no not yet no i bet he's well out of it he is poor old devil i but he thought he was safe up there honestly every tombstone down the road has got rest in peace why can't i leave them alone we're not doing any arm i'm not supposed to ever spoken to the top man yet the job man yeah the grey rag and bone man in the sky was he written to it all that's blast me don't talk about that you'll be struck down oh well gandhi said i was going to be all right you may not be struck down down here but you will be struck down up there oh look i went out there we'll be right boring place if all i can do on thursday nights is talk to you look when i leave this veil of tears nobody's getting in touch with me when i get to wherever i'm going my phone's coming straight off to your [ __ ] and tell you not a lot of old couplers it's not al there is a life after death they're trying to get in contact with us there are spirits all around us there's about off a bottle inside you i'll prove it to you what's that it's a ouija board i bought it off not in fontana it receives messages from the other side i see that's for the ones who's lost their voices through keep talking silly little suds like you put your finger on there i ask questions and the glass moves around the board and spells out the answers ready ready great it and no frivolous questions right yes is there anybody there is there anybody there it's moving yes i could very well say no could he who is it what is your name [Music] ask him who won the war it might upset him [Music] have you got a message for anybody here yes is it for harold no it must be for me what is your message [Music] [Laughter] you see what was that supposed to be we're having another meeting tomorrow night in here you and i'm going to say i'll see ya yeah they're all coming madame fontana dollars all of them yeah we're going to try and get in touch with your mother oh no oh yeah you want to watch it mate she'll give you a light mouthful if she catches you sitting at the doll holding on to another woman what's it going to say to her you ain't spoken to her for nigh on 40 years i mean you didn't have much in common then i'd like to talk to her out i miss her besides something i want to ask her hey ask her why she put you clean vest i'll show you you'll be laughing the other side of your face tomorrow night i'm going to talk to all of them your mother gandhi christopher columbus henry the a river knife dan leno that's a lot of fun mess you got me into stanley [Music] sheldon what shocking weather we're having oh yes it is it is it's been fit and it's been felting down all night hello coming out for ladies all for their coats oh this is my son harold madame fontana well charmed i'm sure are you joining us tonight harold yes uh that's all up with you perfectly all right perfectly all right glad to have you aboard you'll radiate an order of innocence spiritual calm and inner goodness i expect that's the andrews live assault and this is history this is dorothy mrs daddy i'm so pleased to meet you harold i've heard so much about you really i'm from my father or gandhi i expect we'll be seeing a lot of one another in the future i hope we're going to be good friends i bought some sweetness for you and this is mr mrs sheldon thank you very much shall we uh all going why not oh yes yes absolutely first class this is this is a perfect room for a contact i can feel it coming out i can feel the vibrations oh yes i'm sorry about that that's the flyover it's it's all them juggernauts you know he practically has to be out of bed some nights sometimes when they go past i have seen his teeth move across the floor on their own you know that could be a poltergeist i'll think it's more likely a petrol tanker i can see you're a skeptic harold you don't believe in the living dead oh yeah yeah yeah i'll believe in them i've been living with one for 40 years well we'll see what tonight brings we may yet convince you shall we begin places everybody lights what time is the big picture i must ask please for complete silence and concentration and please no sudden noises or disturbances whilst i am in a trance i will ask you now to all join hands join in zeke comes jolie [Laughter] she's gone blah but that was quick she old piecework no she don't mess about she heads straight to the meat [Music] she's trying to make contact with geronimo she'd do better i am here geronimo are you angry geronimo you were a long time coming i expect you went down the coal thought road could be i am ready is there anybody there who wishes to contact anybody here yes is mrs daddy with you yes yes i'm here he wishes to speak to you hello dottie it's george it is he almost called me dotty he was the bad judge dottie how are you george how am i oh not so bad my arthritis has cleared up i'm so glad how are you keeping oh not so bad but my arthritis hasn't gone oh well it will when you come up here how's the weather still raining never mind it's good for the garden how many geraniums not as good as when you did them george well try putting a bit of potash on them next week's gardener's corner i do miss you so george oh are you lonely i am a [ __ ] well why don't you get married again i wouldn't mind i'm thinking you're getting married again george you do that and i hope you'll be very happy oh thank you george well i've got to go now somebody else here wants to talk to you goodbye dottie goodbye to her uncle when's her vice coming on [Music] geronimo oh i am here is there anybody else there who wishes to speak to anybody else yeah [Music] yes is albert steptoe with you yeah i'm here i'm here i have your wife emily here oh my god is that you albert emily hello albert you haven't been down to the grave lately have you i'll go in the morning it's your mother godless it's easy it's your voice we're speaking to albert harold he sat next to me harold my little harold he should be in bed he's only five he's not he's 40 now he's older than i am oh come on now that's enough for this harold harold it's mummy talking are you there harold say hello to your mother no i'm not gonna go on say hello to her oh god hello mom emily yes albert would you mind if i'm married again of course not albert little harold needs a mother have you found somebody albert here she's sitting right next to me dorothy daddy oh she'll make you a wonderful wife albert you're sure you don't mind of course not albert you and harold must promise to love her and cherish her and look after as long as she lives oh yes we will we will oh no fiona richmond there come on get up shouldn't have broken the circle are you all right miss montana cusses all right he might kill you rubbish i see she's only play acting she's a phony don't you talk about my daughter like that yahoo a mother a daughter i'm cold she she's trying to allow their mother yeah yeah you just find some scenic trip with my hard working son and you always quit dead right now come on missus that's the out out out come on come on why don't you get married to get help matty again fine squad work right come on come on get your brother get out that was having my dead of wine [Music] sire would you like a sausage roll what no venison no we don't have none of that paul come along i don't wish to stay in this house a moment longer dorothy will you have a sausage no i will not your son has made it perfectly clear that i'm not welcome in this house you're welcome to a sausage roll oh go with this sausage roll i don't care how much money you've got at the bank i have no intention of being unloaded onto you and as for your villain mallorca [Applause] [Music] a plague on both your houses especially the one in majorca what happened did we get through yes of course you got a thrill did she get in touch with tittles i didn't hear him meow try again next week dear well we should have brought his collar yeah is what villa in my orca what money in the bank you know how it is when you're trying to pull a bird you sort of embroider a bit don't you embroider a bit that's the order to buy you tapestry as far as we're concerned all 200 feet of it fancier being her daughter do you think they were just after me for me money harold no not just but it helped so it gave you an advantage over the other contenders you you're well out of that dead yeah i suppose so oh not a terrible do you think she was really a phony that madame fontana you know oh yeah yeah definitely oh there's no there's no doubt about it there's a lot of them about sposeo i wish you'd seen her do laurel and hardy she was good at that [Applause] better than me it stopped raining good you won't get splashed tomorrow no well sweet dreams harold there's some sausage rolls over there i think thank you it would have been nice to have had a chat with you good night harold mom dad can i sleep in your bed [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] so [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] so [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] so [Music] so [Music] would you care for a date no thanks now we've done all that but when are we going to go upstairs i told you god gave him a chance to get to sleep he knows i've got a woman in here won't leave us alone i'll be up and down downstairs like a bleeding yo-yo if i don't excuse to come in what's he doing anyway he's cobbling whoa yeah there's not much else he can do at his age so i don't let me doing it how long does he keep this up well it depends on how many boots he's got to mend i brought him home six and a half pairs today he's like a little troll he is little know me long nose he can't go back till he's finished look i can't hang about this long let's go up now no i can't concentrate with him banging away or not well he looks like he's the only one who's going to let's forget it no don't don't don't go now stay stay this is all right i mean this is nice so it's comfortable we're on a you're joking i've served my apprenticeship i gave up the front room bit years ago [Music] i like a bit comfort these days hello [Music] look i'm not putting up with this you can't yourself talking i won't go on much longer would you care for another drink no thanks be done in a bottle already i didn't come here to booze i don't understand you what you say you've been after me for months i have marcia i have abba since the first time i saw you outside cinema i looked up and there you was up a ladder changing next week's film titles i i remember very well yes that's right and i dropped a letter e on your ass that's what yeah yeah you you was uh taking down naughty knickers and the lash of lust and he was putting up herbie rides again because the kittens [Music] he said i look like robert redford i've not forgotten it too you're long enough to talk to me didn't it yeah well i didn't like to i must have bought a ton of chocolates all of you i suppose it was because of that on your finger oh that oh you don't want to take no notice of that oh usually i'll stay clear of marriage women i don't like the idea of breaking up families you know huh but don't you mind your husband i mean don't you mind you going out with other men oh no [Music] we have an understanding we're a couple of swingers we're a very liberated couple well in fact i'm more liberated than he is i am yeah he's in jail don't worry couldn't care less look i didn't come here for a kiss and a cuddle and a box of dates that's no good to a grown woman we have other needs is there something wrong with you you're not impudent are you important yeah no no of course no i've never had no complaints i don't suppose you have either well let's put it this way you might have to take the day off tomorrow let's make a weak joy come on let's go up now no no that i don't want to no not while he's awake well go up and hit him over the head with it i don't think i wouldn't like to i think he's finished hang on i'll have a look okay okay you like it's come on here we are this is it let's go downstairs no no it's quite conducive once the light's out it's got lumps in it we'll soon flatten them out and what's the matter what's that where where there it's a bike i'm not getting in there oh my god what's going on in there nothing er go away it's not a bug yes i know bug when i see one there can't be a bug i had a sulphur candle going in here all yesterday have you got a woman in there no no go back to sleep it's not a bug obviously it can't be it's not it's not it's a ladybird i'm not getting in there hey have you found any more bugs in there no no he's not a black he's a ladybird it's a very good foot of roses he's got a little black foot hang on what what's what's up go on little ladybird now i hope let's go well this one is i'm not stopping now come back [Laughter] no i know what your father was doing with his armor killing them [Music] mother nature is bestowing her boundaries gifts the sun beams are dancing on the cosy roof it's time to get up subtle eight o'clock his time he was out on the round oh oh oh oh oh oh okay oh yeah oh oh oh that's better i was much better what is that dripping oh god the finest thing you can get dripping keeps the cold out yeah drip in for the neck and goose fat for the chest you can't beat the old remedies check him for a goose fat vanity i wonder you could get a bird in those days did you sleep all right of course i didn't i told you you could come in with me no thank you after three weeks of erotic anticipation of what i was going to do to martha i really couldn't have spent my night with you oh well that's another romance coming up the spot i suppose which will see her again i never saw bird mood so quick she was out of here faster than a bishop from a brothel raiders to other people gets it for nothing for me no it's eight gin and tonics amanda and mill for two at the east acting lotus house two bottles of nuisance jaws plus v8 and a taxi ride back here she does it in the best part of a bottle of dimple while waiting for you well i've got a show for it a stiff neck and a smashed up bed added to it two sweet and sour pork balls rolls off the end of my chopsticks down the new tide right down me clean shirt and ends up lodged in a fly zipper of me brand new flares i did wedge last night i really tried i was entitled to a result last night it's this house it's a kiss of death i don't want to bring birds back here i really don't i mean i was worried about her meeting you i never thought about the bed bugs and then the final catastrophe the bed collapsed oh it would have collapsed anyway better then then later on wait a minute no i'm not i'm chucking it out and then sewing that mattress on a fire bed bugs you don't want to do that until you get another one you won't find a bed as easy as that on the rounds dumb look i'll get another one off it around that's where that won't come from there's disgusting slipping in other people's pets you never know who's been in them i've got a brand new one from a shop that cost you a lot of money i don't care i've never had a bread of but all of my love i've slept in other people's cast offs no a man is he spends about a third of his life in bed well in your case two foots he's entitled to a decent one i've got a brand new bed sheets blankets the lot when i bring a bird back here next time which is going to be right how i've got get a sexy one i saw a round one in a shop around bed yes well are you supposed to know where your feet go that don't matter i mean that can go anywhere that can point in any direction what you fancy how about the sheets i'll get round sheets some people what makes square ones i mean it is no harder to make a balance sheet is to make a squash i bet it is i bet they cost more i don't care i'm gonna get round black sheets oh that's a good idea you won't have to wash them i thought that would appeal to you yeah i'll have some of them square black ones if you have black sheets we'll never find you i might get one made special i mean that doesn't have to have a round one i don't know you could have a triangular one or a half moon one or a figure of eight you're taking the mickey yeah a bed's a bed i never had a bit of my own until i was married yeah eight of us they were all in one bedroom four brothers two sisters me mum and dad they're all dead now uh well my surprise we didn't have gas masks in valentine's day jews four up one end and four down the other turned back the sheet and we looked like a tennis sardine oh there was hard days do you know what we used to have for breakfast bread and margarine that's right bread and margarine that's all bread and margarine was a sign in 10 days that you was poor and hungry not fat and frightened to death of dying of cholesterol didn't even know what cholesterol was in them days you still don't i couldn't afford it the only thing that kept me going was a three teaspoon full of malt school every morning if it hadn't been for that i don't think i would have seen 14. people around here in them days were all little if you got a five foot four you'd had your lot if you saw anybody taller than that he was rich you're taller than that yeah i wasn't in them days though i only got to this tall when i was 43 people nowadays don't know what it's all about kids they spend more on crisps than my mum had to spend on the lot of us for a fortnight oh trying to brought conscription back knock some discipline into the little bleeders i don't follow what's that got to do with buying groups everything life is too easy these days too soft anything they want they get i wanted martial wiggly last night i think that very fast right if they fancy you don't need a posh bed anywhere will do i never brought girls back home here in those days for that sort of thing i shouldn't think you would eight of you in a bit i wasn't allowed you weren't supposed to do it in them days rigid self-control that was the thing respect for what was right and wrong honor and consideration for the girl unless you were lucky never in the house why did you used to do it then at the yard oh how romantic the junkyard bar moonlight it's a setting worthy of anthony and cleopatra oh dear denial you're at the grand union canal no [Music] you had a 10-foot pile of ball [ __ ] and old gas stoves [Music] the inscrutable face of the sphinx smiling down on you oh next door's tomcat with his ear bit no what's to choose we used to manage i'm sure you did yeah tommy where was the royal bed chamber located at the corner i used to lean 12 motor car tires up against the wall and we used to crawl inside the erotic splendor of it all tunnel of it was very comfortable a bit dodgy though i remember one night things got a bit hectic the tires started moving we rolled right out of the yard and finished up halfway down scrubs lane you want to try it sometime you could do a lot worse no thank you i prefers the more prosaic approach after breakfast i shall pop into the bayswater better armor and purchase the most comfortable pitch in the ship i'll meet you there oh god if i said i was gonna buy a pair of socks you won't come too wouldn't you well i just want to make sure you won't be diddled a bed should last you 20 years yes well you embarrass me and you're gonna be confined to them for 20 years watch it did you know me long knew [Music] the betting shop is next door and how do i wish to place a bet that is where i would have gone as it is i've come about a bit we do not buy bids we sell them now if you don't mind we are very busy what what we're the only two people in that shop i'll tell you now that's his father the gentleman is laboring under a misapprehension a word of advice judgey not a man body apparel what he wears or the company what he keepeth mush well you will find that i have the necessary conquest to facilitate the purchase of anything what you might have in this place i'm very sorry sir but we are very expensive and i just didn't want to embarrass you by showing you anything beyond your means most considerable allow me to be the best judge of that certainly how much is this one 350 gimmicks shall we nip in the betting shop [Laughter] it is exclusive to ourselves designed in our own workshops to a very high degree of workmanship it has 1600 independent high tension springs in the mattress which allows for correct weight posture and control of the body hmm 350 guineas that doesn't include the bed head of course oh naturally would you take his old one in part exchange why please kevin burns it's a good one also mattress there are a few stains on it from where his aunt eth's kids stayed with us once but they don't know that could you please god get me some cigarettes oh allow me oh thank you takes on the left virginian on the right most civilized i'm not having that one somebody sat on it did you make these fashion your own workshops too sorry please please just just go and sit down just read the voucher 350 350 units 350 guineas oh well perhaps uh you could show me something else oh certain is that what have you in my eye what do you mean well i mean what sort of room is it going into a bedroom i know the decor i mean is the room aggressively masculine yes it is and so am i [Laughter] well that narrows the field we don't want uh any flippery no we don't well how about something like this chintzy no no no i i've done nothing like that i've been trying to get away from that all of my life no i'll tell you what i'll do like the round one i'd have shafted it the other way oh yes yes the pompadour oh indupitable monks oh uh combined i mean you get a lot of these frog antique dealers poking around the yards you know the murderer's merchants they're trying to have it away with the stuff thinking i don't know what i've got then again with all these charles that's naval records you have to have a smatter in there you are an antique dealer well yes yes in a way i'll make sort of a bit of this bit there your home must be exquisitely furnished it's got a lot of old stuff in it yeah you haven't got four pistols no no i don't think so now the the poles are getting away in the way of what until again they might hit their heads in the dark arrow this is a good one i'm so sorry oh has he made a mess dirty daddy no no don't do that now let it dry first then brush it off it's the round one yeah i know that's the one we've been talking about it's now good goes all the way down to the floor well most modern beds do so well where do you put the edgar allen then [Laughter] you ain't gotta have it oh i see well we we naturally assume that people have separate arrangements for that sort of thing well we ain't not inside the house anyway just kids me what you now listen to you i'll come out to barbette and all you've done is embarrass me all you've done is nick is [ __ ] and put or stank all over his clean sheets and talk about putting pose underneath his bumper door i just sit there shut up shall we [ __ ] what is that one over here oh yes out that one now that really is lots of fun oh that's what i'm looking for it's not really in our line of course but one has to keep up with trends now this is a water bed oh what's a bit yes look at this yes the whole thing is full of water it's really incredibly comfortable particularly good for people with bad backs that is clever isn't it now it's not good they don't get seasick why don't you try it sir oh yeah our most comfortable enough it's like lying on a balloon full of water it molds itself to the exact contour of the body oh it does it does hey give it a shaft egg and then of course it can be plugged into the electric circuit in order to warm the water in the winter oh that's good you can make your breakfast without getting out of bed if you put a tap on it you could make your tea as well no i'm afraid not what what if it leaks no i could bring down the ceiling most unlikely sir the skin is very strong an elephant could walk across it without it bursting artists most comfortable it's a sort of a rubbery feeling it's like being on the line on the water well at least you won't have any more trouble with bedbugs it'll drown the little bleeders just one thing though i mean what's it like for i mean can you is does it interfere with well it's very relaxing eases bodily attention medical therapeutic yeah i know but until you get used to it i mean is it difficult to how's it for crumpet do you have to keep one foot on the floor oh i see you will find that every activity that can be engaged in on a normal bed can be engaged in on this one he doesn't want to get engaged mate you will find that the gentle undulations of the water beneath the body when in congress are a direct stimulating effect [Laughter] [Music] will it affect my water right excuse me uh one 150 i'm so sorry and uh 50 pounds oh thursday morning good afternoon sir thank you so much i i'm sure you won't be disappointed i hope not good afternoon eat your poof [Music] [Laughter] well that's it there it is her master's coming around tonight she's most excited she's never been i'm on before she's going to try it out i do think we've got enough water in it enough there must be a channel water in there it's the floor i'm afraid of and you start that congress like you're able to go right through it no no no the floor's going to be all right i've tested it the joist is perfect and adequate oh good well the devil left the plug off the eater and let that freezing cold water in there [ __ ] all around oh that's all right don't worry i'll put one on for you plenty lying about would you make the better yeah yeah go on it won't be worth your while going out if you don't have it up yeah well all right all right now listen master's coming out at nine o'clock i want you in bed door bolted and no cobbling right and now listening up against the wall with the wine glass i shall see you tomorrow morning [Music] dirty little devil [Music] now [Applause] [Laughter] [Music] would you care for us rick before we uh hit the water no thanks oh i can't wait to see it does it really sort of um well it's very senseless i'm sorry about the other night that's all right arrows i'll make it up to you tonight marcia one step [Music] [Music] carolyn keep your cap on [Music] uh [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] so [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] you

Channel: Louis Walkden

Views: 694,640

Keywords:

Id: uPmgZHYSDjY

Length: 151min 21sec (9081 seconds)

Published: Sun Sep 04 2022