Bertcast # 357 - Jim Gaffigan & ME

[Music] oh dude grab a seat kids no you smoke pot yo dude I got caught in the worst way pockets Mel's like weed in here is this where you smoke how old are your kids 13 and 15 so Jim we're on a wine tasting tour in Napa with my wife my family my wife gets drunk my wife never gets drunk right now she gets drunk we're doing the wine tasting and Georgia neither like God mom's drunk and I was like if you believe it they're like how come you don't get drunk dad no my god and so this I go you know it's the wrong thing yes so I go to a seder they say to mom have you ever smoked pot and my wife goes yeah like four times now what my wife doesn't know is like a month later late earlier I had lied to both my daughters and said I'd never smoked pot oh my god and so then they and so big look and they go how have you never smoked pot dad but my mom is smoked pot and I say to them weren't a big bus like my whole family's with the and I say to them I pull my side I go listen I won't smoke pot until you guys are 21 when you guys went your ila turns 21 you're 23 Georgia yeah I'll smoke it for the first time with you guys I won't smoke until that so cut - I go to do my Europe tour I come back I'm doing something's burning my cooking show in New York yes I do an episode with big Jay yeah and [ __ ] Dan Soder and we get high and Leeanne calls and she goes hey I'm worried about you I know even partying in Europe I know you're doing something's burning are you okay and I go actually I didn't even really drink today I drank in the last episode but I didn't even drink today at all and then I look at big Django actually I take that back I got high of a big Jay and Dan Soder and my wife silence she goes um you're on speakerphone with your daughter's Georgia my nerdy daughter yeah Georgia says um how long has this been going on Wow I was like I felt so [ __ ] bad it's you know it's weird because you don't want to there's the larger thought which is that it's not gonna kill you but we also do have friends that like did the wake and bake thing and just kind of like you know never left their room never it is stunted so many of my friends yeah personalities like they I feel like I have friends that started smoking pot in high school and then that's when they stop growing emotional yeah yeah and I smoke every now and then I smoke a little bit I'm growing here's a problem as I'm growing pot plant there you go that's normal yeah but my daughter you know how like you grow pot plants so you're growing pot pot plants and you're surprised like that wasn't your daughter like they know it is interesting when you have kids how they're relatively uninterested in your career so like we could we could talk about anything here my kids would never hear it my kids will never hear anything they don't you know the last thing they want to do yeah my 15 year old is obsessed with Mulaney but I'm like you could listen to mine she goes yeah it sure we how many do you have total I've got five kids it's so many kids it's summer and you've got to I got to and I can't imagine I'll tell you what you got that I don't got though yeah I have a I have a a clock ticking to when it's just me and my wife that scares me that's interest that really scares me that it I mean we don't talk about anything other than our kids like cool well the empty nest thing but I don't know it's like I mean I've seen glimpses of your relationship with your wife it's pretty vibrant it's a great I love her but I love her because I don't know but I can't imagine it's just me in her yeah but like it's like you can't even when you were having kids you're like I don't know what it's gonna be like because then there's like having a baby and then kids reach the age where they're like never go to sleep you're like can you go to sleep so I can have sex with your mom yeah I mean it's like they never so like there's it changes all the time it's either adjust or die and you're married to a strong woman like mine so do your kids do this is the thing this is a weird question but your kids remember being poor like poor poor like when I knew you you know because we lived in it too an apartment like maybe 1,100 feet yeah you know my older ones remember it um but also living in New York City I don't know it's weird cuz there are things that my wife because my wife grew up poor and she was like I never had this I never had my wife grew up poor - yes my wife is always saying that yeah I never had this you guys and so it's weird but ya know cuz you don't want to raise douchebags no but my you know I feel as though there's nothing glamorous about at least my life here I mean heels of a pretty regular letter we're basing that off your TBS show yeah cuz I remember watching that and going like you seem like you live a very regular life it's pretty it's pretty normal I mean it's pretty chaotic like I would say touring which I do often is when I sleep yeah like they just the UH the commitment as you know it's like the commitments parent-teacher conferences curriculum days like all this stuff it's like now you gotta go and see them in a play it's like there's no free time especially if you have six there are five oh there you are literally that is a round-robin of activities September is you know it's just there's always a curriculum night there's always kind of like just you know first day school stuff it's it's you know my wife is already stressed it's August now she's already stressed about school starting oh we're doing we're doing the slow roll into waking up early oh really yeah we're like training them you know and hey guys we've we've been we've been on vacation literally we went on vacation for six weeks yeah and so the girls have been sleeping till noon yeah and now this morning we set alarms to get everyone up at 6:30 cuz and an 8:30 no one was still awake can you believe that as a comedian you're even a parent like that is I have said that to my daughters I go can you put on your dad is that weird and they're like yeah can be a little aggressive it's just but but comedians in general I mean even outside of the Machine yeah it's like comedians are not were not were these nocturnal beasts it doesn't make sense that we would be in charge of like supporting someone else or even kind of like emotionally guiding them through this chaotic world I I sometimes I remember one time I can say this is what we're friends but D'Elia was like was like you mind if I get up real quick I want to get out of here yeah and I so badly wanted to go hey you don't have drop-off at 6:30 in the morning like can I do you mind if I just go cuz I gotta get to bed so I gotta [ __ ] wake up with two kids you get to sleep till 11:00 with a model and wake up and go to the gym and have a juice and go for a hike with your brother and your friends yeah and I felt like oh but I never you'd never say that but could but you definitely there's some times where I'm at the store where I go dezik I attend 30 spots late for me oh yeah yeah I mean I like I will do tripolis early show but like sometimes I won't even call into the orcs I'm like 10:30 don't put me up at 10:30 yeah and I go I won't get out of there until 11:00 technically and then it's thence there's decompression time what I do in New York is I won't I mean some of it is I have a relationship at Gotham and at Eastvale which is now in Brooklyn and I have a relationship and the stand where I can call up and go can I swing in and do a set and they'll put me on it's an amazing set at home it's an amazing setup because that way I don't even have to because as you know with kids it's like you're like oh we're gonna do this oh there's this meltdown there's this drama at school so then it might be like it might be eight o'clock and I might be like I'm not gonna do a spot oh my god you're the first person to [ __ ] say that I'm like that all the time I call him my veils and then I'm sitting there going goddamn and I can't go tonight it's it's chaos in this house right right I can't go there's they're serious drama going down here like I'm gonna go and tell some diarrhea jokes you can't really do that and then you have to shift gears that's why touring I do nothing during the day when I tour if I'm not with my kids like I'll just listen and to my set and kind of write and stuff like that because I don't have that luxury when I'm it's like if I'm running in and doing a set it's not like I was thinking about stand-up for the past eight hours I was literally doing you know dinner and trying to wrestle a screen away from a six-year-old yeah it's insane it really is and I it's funny to watch like right now my all my friends are having kids meaning like they're like like Rogen's are closer in my nhj line but like birds without a kid segura just had a second kid like Brenda shops having another kid like you're watching everyone have kids yeah and and I just want to go like talk to me in ten [ __ ] years well it is it's well there's also the philosophy of lakeil show pictures of your kids on shows for me oh and I do that too and then there's some people that don't ever bring up that they have kids so they put like some kids for some my approach is kind of it's I think people that like my comedy are not gonna stalk and murder my children but I also think that I'm not embarrassing them yeah I don't know it's weird I'm sure I'm embarrassing mine what I've taken the approach here can I tell you my problem is that I got into the business when it was like you talked about what you knew and you know and I didn't know another way to do it yeah I just did that and then yeah when I started dating my wife I talked about having sex with her what a date or whatever and when I had kids I was I definitely I'm not saying I'm famous by was it famous at all so like I used social media the way a regular person used it like yeah hey guys I grew up with this is what moves my daughters yeah like sort of posting before I had any success that I was on Travel Channel no give a [ __ ] about my family and so and then I started talking about my kids on stage yeah I have one joke the Ian bag pulled me aside he goes that is where your comedy is going it's about my daughter putting her finger in her ass and then putting the dog's mouth and and I was like I was like really goes that's he's like don't try because I was trying to be like the young you know like Dane Nick Swardson like a young like a fun guy like yeah and then he's a cube you have a daughter is putting her finger in your house putting it in her ass and putting in the dog's mouth that's where you should be going it so I started going that direction now I've taken it I think I've gone too far east sometimes well there is something about obviously you're you know you're you're constantly getting feedback from your children and your wife and stuff I guess so it's like it's some of it is you know look their dad is the machine but I do think it's weird how some people have kids and you wouldn't think that based on their act based on their social media it's like oh what do you spend time with your children because I also feel as though as long as my at is not all kids material yeah that's that's the goal the goal is to life I always have like five or ten minutes out of an hour ten about my kids but I remember being 26 and seeing like comedians talk about their wives or their husbands and kids and I'm like I don't want to hear that I am Greg Greg Fitzsimmons was the first one I saw talked about his having a kid and I didn't have kids and I was like that's not nerdy that's okay yeah I'd hear guys coming up in the city in Britain like show my hair my wife and my kid and I was just like I'm tapped out yeah I would totally yeah so that'll tell you have a dick why isn't he talking about it right so I think of your I think of old jokes of yours once a month and laugh old jokes that you don't tell thanks out so I'm gonna do this set up yeah I do that all right let's see Hey ladies you ever see a guy walking through the park with a snake around his neck and you're like God guys so sexy won't have sex with him oh my gosh you know I don't even know I don't know if I did that in any special or any no that was like at the improv the those in Boston Comedy Huashan welcome through Washington Square Park with a snake around his neck that guy he's so cool owning sex with him no one does anything and you go alright fellas anyone wanna bite snake gosh it's so weird how there's jokes that you do that you know disappear I I find that weird when people like oh my favorite joke of yours and you're like I think I cut that out of you know my third hour I didn't even use it and then you're like should I use it yeah you ever go back home you can't get rid of the nickname growing up welcome home donkey [ __ ] yeah dude you were one of those guys that would roll in and it was like you were you're constantly working there was a lot of guys you know I'm not - I've definitely ought to name names a lot of guys who would coast by and do new material and personality yeah like just go in and just be a show yeah I think I always lean towards those guys creatively but then there were guys like you and a towel and Geraldo who brought in material where you'd where everyone would stop and go this is I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna watch this oh thanks no I I love it I mean as you know coming up with a new joke look people don't understand like for a comedian that's better than any heroine it's and it comes from it comes from so so know where sometimes real like yeah we're like almost amazed by yourself like how did that happen yes it doesn't make any sense sometimes you're too tired and it comes out because you're too tired sometimes you're angry and you think of a line and it's we're always trying to figure out how did I come up with that hole because sometimes it'll just come out at least for me like a whole chunk and I'm like Jesus that's great I just got three minutes oh no you're on your you're doing your seventh hour yes how what is like I know my challenge I'm only doing my I'm doing my fourth in November my challenge is like I go I I don't want it to have the same I'd only just be rewriting the exact same juror right it's seven [ __ ] specials like what the [ __ ] like how it's all it's it's you know touring you know constantly touring and going back to markets do you as you know it's like you know the relationship I think you have with an audience is like a friendship where they know your sensibility but you have to show up with new stuff you can do the old stuff no they just won't come back again yeah so so you're in this situation where your old stuff is like like I'm not I'm definitely not comparing myself to you but like I definitely feel like my machine stories something people want to hear and I can't imagine there's I can't imagine you've done a show in the past ten years where someone hasn't yelled hotpokket yeah no it's I mean today I was doing Access Hollywood it was like 7:00 in the morning and this guy behind me ha pockets and it's like it's strangely like he thinks he's and then they they look at me and they're like oh I guess that's wrong and but the but it's that's good to have you know for an encore and stuff like that but you know like for the the new hours it's all about self-assignment it's like all right I'm gonna tell a story all right what's the most embarrassing thing okay what's the thing that I feel uncomfortable talking about like I remember one special I think it was Cinco I had a bunch of I was like I'm gonna do a five minutes on cancer I'm just gonna figure out a way to make cancer funny and you know it's you know hopefully it was funny yeah but it's so it's all it's all stuff like that and I also feel as though doing a doing podcast and talking to people you you'll you'll touch on something that you're unconsciously passionate about oh yeah I remember doing podcasts and talking about when I opened for the Pope and then that ended up being like a chunk on a special I watch that live so oh you did well you you were doing the Pope was coming through somewhere yeah watch sir they'll watch it on maybe maybe I watched it on periscope is that it might have been on Facebook live or yet or CNN see I watched it on CNN yeah I watched X I'm Catholic yeah like I'm not a good one but that's like jewelry yeah but but I watched that and I was like how [ __ ] cool oh but it was like you know it was a bloody death it was I don't know how it looked but it was I did the classic mistake of criticizing Philadelphia in Philadelphia and to people who are still going to church on Sundays yes and so like they kept crowd know and by the way they were also you know it's like I talked about it in I think it's noble eight and it's about like how Philly they were they were there to see a religious leader who was gonna talk to them about mercy and they were mad they were like boo I'm like dude it's it's Sunday we're outside it's 11 a.m. I did a silly joke about Philadelphia and Santa and there was 10 percent of the audience was like you know they might as well it might have been evening at sea it might as well be evening at The Improv where the or even a Showtime at the Apollo where the Sandman comes out yeah like people were mad did you meet the Pope I did meet the Pope what's that one and I introduced my mother-in-law who is like crazy Catholic to the Pope and it was just like boom I did it I introduced my mother-in-law to the Pope it was weird I mean he does you know he speaks some English but like there's a guy standing behind him going a comedic Americano you know any other like nice to meet ya so do you think yet any perspective of who you were at all no I don't think he had any idea who I was just like and I think you know he was like I don't know this guy is this was did you meet the Pope before or after your wife got the birth war so what was like I think about losing my wife oh yeah I'll like not in a good way but like I think about I think about two things I think number one at the funeral everyone will go should have been him yeah that's number one they were like should have been him look at his lifestyle and then number two I think about I just couldn't cope and I wouldn't I wouldn't be able to manage you wouldn't you wouldn't be able to do stand-up you'd have to I mean now is the bay reality was not that I would be able to do the be a single parent and do it well I was like I I remember the thing alright my career's essentially over because I my children were very young there's five how long it was this this was two years ago my wife actually wrote a book about it that's coming out in October for real yeah I'd love to have her on my podcast yeah if she comes out to promote it yes I would love to talk about that because yeah I am a super big hypochondriac yeah I just can't just went to the doctor last week and literally wrote my last will and testament on the drive there yeah like so this is it this is where I find that I'm dying and then I got the call yesterday is like my livers a little fatty cuz you're overweight but you gotta lose weight that's it and anyway I think that what I learned from that experience is you know we all have friends that are hypochondriac said oh you know and my neck hurts maybe there's it's based on like people die people get sick and die but we like to live in this ongoing experience of denial because if we lived in the paranoia you know we wouldn't get anything done oh but it's better with the denial because like even when you see something on social media about like some someone passing away unconsciously you always think well I'm right that's not gonna happen to me you're I mean poor person dying but we're all gonna die right now so did does she feel something she had hearing loss she was at a pediatrician office she brought in all five of the kids and this pediatrician was like try and she was like I can't hear out of this ear and the pediatrician was like how long and she's like I don't know and she just assumed it was like being a busy mom and so then the pediatrician convinced her to go to an ENT and then she thought that she was hearing loss so she was doing these hearing exercises and then he's like alright let's just do an MRI and so then they did an MRI and they discovered a huge pear-shaped tumor on her brain stem like with all the cranial nerves going through it like the nerves that control swallowing and facial and you know breathing and hearing all those nerves the tumor was in the middle of it and you're just like and so and then she went through the surgery I mean there's like so much I'm simplifying it so much but then she uh she got another surgery and then she got pneumonia so it was like pneumonia and the hospital is really bad really bad I lost a friend of pneumonia yeah hospital and Ralphie and so yeah and so a pneumonia and so it was like okay okay there's like like when the brain surgeon is nervous then you're really nervous and so I was like all right okay so this is I've had a fun time doing stand-up and acting and all this so it's probably over so if she survives she's probably not gonna be you know in a position to you know she's gonna need a caretaker so I was like all right it's over and so then but she got out of it you're I mean like she had like a tracheotomy she she was fed by a tube she didn't have liquid she didn't drink water for like two weeks she didn't have food through her mouth for like a month and she's married to me this is a horrible question how good did she look know what she was she was by the way she's a genetic anomaly meaning she she can eat like me and she's still like tiny yeah I just told a joke on a podcast about fantasizing about my wife getting hit by a motorcycle in the doctors know what we do I go we were we were build her yeah first start with her tits end to be huge but um and everyone's like I can't believe you said that just [ __ ] around yeah but that is I mean all that is just so [ __ ] terrifying there was the craziest joke I heard and I wonder if I had heard it before this guy this guy's wife goes into surgery and the guy comes out and the doctor goes well we we I got some good news and I got some bad news the bad news is the we had to remove part of her brain and she literally she can't move she's gonna have to wear diapers she can't talk she literally can't breathe you're gonna have to massage for every two hours you're also gonna have to spoon-feed her she's gonna be a response of unfortunately and so you're gonna have to quit your job you're gonna have to do all these things and the guy goes okay he goes what's the good news and it goes the good news I'm kidding she's dead don't worry but is that horrible don't worry I just I'm just so but I mean I you know and you're you're such an touch with gratitude and you know so many things that you know and it also it inspired me it's like I I feel rejuvenated you know to appreciate every time onstage you know I mean but then again you know there are shows where I'm like I didn't like those people I felt I felt like that a little bit watching I know that you've had I think what two years ago you started your TBI show write a TV land but yeah USA originally your TV yeah it was it was supposed to be on CBS it's but it's on one of those Chan yeah yeah it was on that one of those channels nobody watch I think my buddy might have produced that oh really Jax yeah yeah yeah my buddy produced it yeah and so I grew up with Tony Hernandez you did yeah we I've known in my whole life Tony's from Florida oh yeah dude I could tell you stories about Tony that you go shut the [ __ ] up Tony is the hardest working most earned it [ __ ] in the world by the way he built an empire and then he's married to Ken Burns's daughter yeah Lily went but Lily's [ __ ] hilarious really so you went to there so was he like a childhood best friend yeah Tony Tony I must certain Tony would be comfortably sharing this yeah but like Tony grew up above a cafeteria his parents ran their Hernandez cafeteria yeah and so his parents ran it was for basically all the Cuban day-laborers yeah well come in it was a great breakfast great lunch yeah there's like a cafeteria and some I want it right now it's you're good to go and we're in Florida is this this is he grew up in South Florida like all Howard yeah I think I've Howard and but real South Florida like so South Florida's very wealthy and then push a little further towards McGill by the MacDill by the interstate and that's where you start getting more more Cuban families who kisses Tampa Tampa yeah so you're from Tampa I grew up in Tampa I lived in Tampa for a year after college I do you remember there was the tex-mex Cantina it was on the Mars way oh the causeway okay yeah I know it was a Mexican place yeah and there was a place called shells - I remember shells yeah no that was my first job out of college but you know cuz I'm all about sunshine yeah that was when I was like that's when like did you know you wonder well I know you had a crazy college life yeah but you so you knew you're going entertainment industry from pretty much 18 no I want it when I was like 20 when I was 18 I was it was the first time people started going you're the funniest guy I've ever met and and people started saying you should be a comedian yeah and that happened all through college and then in college I went so comedy show yeah the guy was on stage and he was bombing me and my buddy Eddie were on dates were in the front row talking about how horrible this is he's bombing and his punchline to one joke was he's talking about floating down the river the punchline was it's a styrofoam cooler and it's flat lines right no laughter the guys froze on stage he's not moving I look at my buddy and Eddie and I just in a loud whisper go a styrofoam cooler and the place goes nuts he looks at me and shoots me these eyes like you don't realize what you just [ __ ] did to me and I'm like oh my god so I go back to him up to the shows I came in I was thinking about being a comedy comic and he's like go [ __ ] yourself that's a bit fun and then Rolling Stone discovered me and as soon as that happened I was like was who discovered you Rolling Stone magazine oh yeah yeah no yeah yeah it's coming in a moment partying I'm on the country and then I yeah tried stand-up the first time and it went well so I moved to New York that's I was like I'm in did you know such a when did you know you wanted to be a comedian I you know in college I always like even when I was a kid I was a class clown I was wanted to be a comedian but I didn't know anyone in the entertainment industry yeah and my father was like the first one to go to college so it was kind of like you know we've been white trash for a couple of generations can you stick to the middle class yeah and so it was not encouraged no one was in the entertainment industry and so I essentially took an improv class to deal with a fear of public speaking and then I did stand-up as a friend dared me and he never showed up and I did it this is in college this is it no this is in New York City after I moved from Tampa okay so when you moved to New York City you tried it I tried it yeah and I fell in love immediately and I was like all right this is ed who's in your group that was all starting at that time Geraldo yeah who is definitely in my group Judah was Judah Friedlander was this young skateboarder like he used to skateboard everywhere he was like an NYU student and then who else but like when when I started there were these powerhouse comedians ahead of us that were relatively new so like say atella done it for like four years Louie had done it for like five years you know Kevin Brennan had done it like four years so like there were all the and Jeff Ross at done it for years so there was no stage time to be had so Geraldo and I used to go out to Long Island or I used to take a train to Connecticut to do shows and then and that kind of like I think that influenced where I just think it's about stage time obviously you know I love performing it's a comedy store and and in great clubs but I also know that it is about stage time and it's also about different types of stage time so for me I love developing material trying it in Brooklyn in front of a snobby audience trying it at a comedy club in New York trying it at the story you know it's like you learned so much from each audience oh yeah I completely I mean when when I worked the door at the Boston that was that flyer I used to hand out up top you remember that flyer would Lewis Shaffer on it and that crazy London I know yeah so interesting so like I mean there's blurs of where there's people that you meet and and you go oh we MIT that was you I remember I was that so when I met Geraldo it was there was Gladys's did you ever do Gladys no I only oh and when I lived in New York I did the Boston Comedy Club and that's and then I I auditioned everywhere yeah but I only could get work so I worked the door I you know so I there was Gladys's which was like there's different I don't know tears but like there's like real shows then there bring our shows and then there's clubs that are and then there's non clubs and this is before alternative comedy like cut school bar it was just kind of like they let us use this room and so that was and Gladys is still around and it was filled with just like people that couldn't get stage time anywhere in the city and I would meet like I met you know just different people but at that's where I met Geraldo and Geraldo and I were both wearing suits for you guys we came from Geraldo as a lawyer and at that time I was an account guy in advertising and we would you know go to Gladys's on wednesday at 6:30 you'd sign up I think you had to pay to do a set an open mic oh I did those shows surf reality yeah and so you would by the way so surf reality I just did Access Hollywood and there's a guy the the talent guy who was like yeah we found this footage of you at surf reality because it's surf reality I would do like characters yeah I see like there's surf reality over a bunch of years I don't know what year it was I was I was there in like 99 98 yeah I figure it was more like 94 95 that's wow so surf reality Robert Prichard and his wife and that so how old was the daughter because what people don't know is that we're describing this performance space on the Lower East Side of Manhattan when it was really sketchy and they had this performance space where the kid they had a child and the you could smoke pot but you couldn't smoke cigarettes and in this stairwell and but it was just crazy people so I did characters but there were people that would like do performance art stuff oh yeah and just really eccentric I saw a guy go up in a Klan outfit yeah he went up in a Klan outfit and just did observational material and a full Klan outfit I saw a woman perform and and she did a performance art piece with her menstrual blood not kidding and I think I think I had to go on after it I was like well how do you address that this guy did his set in a Klan outfit right yeah and in and it was it got laughs up front because it was so outrageous yeah and then it started the material started bombing yeah and then he did the rest of it talking about how hard it was to get a Klan outfit dry-cleaned in New York City and I was in the back going like from Florida just being like this is so globally different yeah than anything I experienced in life you grew up in MIT in the Midwest yeah yeah New York like a culture shock to you New York was definitely a culture shock it was well I was also you know you get out of college and you're you know like college is not real college I went to Purdue for a year and then Georgetown University new you at yourself and tell the guys went to Georgetown max were always smarter oh that's well I do Mulaney the Mulaney go down Birbiglia yes there's I think Demetri Nick Kroll Demetri went to Yale I think yeah he had a really smart act too yeah I mean I think Demetri went to Yale Law School no or maybe he was going to no he went to NYU Law School drops out that's when I met I did open mic the first night Demetri to open mic Wow so we were in the same show and then I said to him we should hang out and hit clubs and he was like okay so like for your Geraldo was my Mitri oh that's crazy first joke that worked was about Demetri we were on a news gonna some Murata Matic in this day and age yeah you know growing up in the south there wasn't a lot of integration yeah so I got to train with Demetri to go to a club and it was all black guys yeah and I said to him I think I think we're on the wrong train and he was like what I got I think this train is probably going to Harlem I think we should probably get off and then get on new one he's like I'm not getting off a train just cuz there's black guys on it and I was like okay well I am and he was like being serious right now and I was like yeah I think we're on the low I'm being serious and they were only Express not the local I think we're gonna miss our stop and end up in 135th Street and he's like no I'm not getting off the train so the train stopped I go to get off I mean comic brain right they when you're everything that joke turn around look at Demetri I go Demetri I see at the rally on Thursday white power my brother and I got off in it that was like my first joke I wrote Athens but yeah but but you had George but your sounds kind of like bourbon kind of a brilliant setting decent private it's a DC private school but like I would say I was the biggest shark what I remember of moving to New York was the amount of cursing and I worked in advertising and people got it's [ __ ] unbelievable we got a [ __ ] really come up with some great [ __ ] words and I'm like you can't think of another adjective besides [ __ ] yeah I mean and so that's what kind of surprised me just because you know I curse in everyday life but even growing up if if you cursed there were there would be some people that are like I find that offensive that your cursor and they were horrible people how will your buyers with cursing with parents they would curse you know my dad would say Jesus Christ you know he'll be like son of a [ __ ] god damned a Bart what's your name Burt Jesus Christ what uh what does it crasher crazy what did your dad do for a living it was a bank he did Bert the Machine I understand you're the machine no but what was what's your dad like I've seen on social media your dad's come to shows right my dad is uh my dad's always perplexed at me yeah anything I do help me huh and what is so like and you're a success so he's kind of like all right it worked out I was wrong I don't know that's it he we played golf at Torrey Pines and uh I got recognized a lot and my dad's just he really bought and that doesn't bother him but he's just like like huh and then we pull we had done the course and then the the club pro comes up with our placard of our of our tee time and yeah the name he says I love you to sign this and then I'm gonna put it up on our wall that's my dad my dad's like really like just really kind of going like is this really is this a joke and I go no dad I'm gonna sign it and he put it next to Barack Obama no way more to God that my dad's like hey okay that doesn't make sense that brock obama's accomplished so much in this life and all you do is take your shirt off and tell your story my dad anytime i tell anything my dad just cuz that never happened that i never hit him i never spanked him i don't know what he's talking about he'll eat my sisters and I are fighting with my dad so tell the story how many sisters do you have to to hardcore ball busters okay like this is so you grew up in Tampa hmm and like like did your family go to Gasparilla was your sisters competing for the queen of Gasparilla no so my dad is not he didn't he doesn't like lines he doesn't like cameras he doesn't like like I don't have a picture of my childhood okay my dad's not the kind of guy like hey will you take a picture of us that's not my dad right good let's get the [ __ ] out so in other words your dad is a man he's a man very very very liberal like very very limo very liberal which is odd for like Western Florida Ropin grew up in New York okay and what's cool in the in like the 60s 70s so very very liberal um but not he like he ran marathons he likes to be alone he doesn't send my dad went to bed every night at like 7 o'clock people come to how does he do for a living lawyer so successful yeah no not intented the Church of Scientology l ron Hubbard was this clown oh wow cuz they were in st. Peters yeah right until I was until I was with me a Scientologist no but was like he represented a Sian scientist someone tried to escape from Scientology and he represented that guy that had a hard time escaping from Scientology against the church and one and then the church hired my dad and said anyone who could beat us we weren't working for us Oh put on a retainer a lot of money you're good and so my dad all the Suttons like great builds a big house one hundred and thirty thousand dollars build a house in a new neighborhood and the church goes yeah we're not paying you were gone we're done and so I think he was working on his way out of that my whole growing up so I never knew my dad is wealthy I knew him to be like middle-class right right right right but um no fascinating yeah but you had like what did you have five brothers I had three brothers and two sisters I just don't picture you guys in Europe oh yeah so that was a big family trip that was you know I travel so much with my kids but like that was the one time we went I mean we went on family vacations I don't want to mischaracterize it but like we never went to Europe again I mean how old were you I think I was eight but I think it changed my life what do you remember from that trip well I remember the hot chocolate in Ireland I remember we were on a really crappy cruise ship in Greece like not a fancy one cuz you know like there was no internet so like yeah they booked this cruise and they had six kids with them so they've got a cheap one and it was not a nice boat and I like staying in a bed like where like the bed the wall curved because you were down below the - yeah and I remember way before thongs people wearing thongs like like men men wearing thongs really yes and these were like I think it might have been like there might have been like you know a segment of the cruise that was gay men walking around in thongs I mean your dad what was your dad like it was my dad was like a cheese shift Christ he you know he was just like weirdos but it was it's weird cuz you do things as a parent you go I wonder if they're gonna remember this yeah and then so like that was that was a pretty pivotal thing I look at this photos and I remember you know going and and it sparked this interest in different cultures I love different cultures and and different countries and and so that's why I do the international shows tell me about what your favorite foreign country that you performed it o-o performed or city I should say see I gotta be honest with you I'm really obsessed with the UK really yeah I love I love it there I love it there because it feels like it it looks like places that I thought life would be like I thought life would always have rolling hills I thought life would always have lots of grass I thought I'd have a pub down my street like I've always wanted to have a live in a small town where everything went built out of stone and I could walk down to the corner and knew the people in the pub I never thought I'd live in a big city like this oh that's interesting um it's funny you talk about memories we just took my daughters to Bali and to Australia right and I said last night I said so let's talk about our summer what's your favorite memory from this summer I know where this is going my daughter Isla goes the pizza and Bali yeah I go what she's murder that one day we had pizza I don't know the full you talking weird like whole fit like fish like you remember the pizza it goes great pizza yeah I was like but I wanna I you know like when I do the international shows I you know I do it because I love it and and he'll inaudible do you go cuz you can go anywhere in the world I don't really I I haven't done that many shows in the UK I've done in London a couple times but I like and I don't have anything against the UK it's just you know I'd rather do a show in Paris I'm not making that much money anyway yeah it's it's like I know if I'm bringing my family I'm losing money but that's why some of it is like I hope that I can eventually at least break even when I do these international shows and that's where I'm hoping am this Amazon special because Amazon is huge in the UK huge in Germany huge in India so it's like I want to go there do the first one you're amazing the ground breaker for you know it's you know so it's their first original but you don't know you know it's like Amazon so easy to use for me everything that every that it's about can I get it on my thumb yeah IIIi Amazon is such a when my wife told I wanted to buy camera one time I'm oh I've told me about Amazon she goes you Noble deliberate to your house same day I went shut up she's like we you don't you're not using Amazon and I was like no yeah she was like oh my god this is gonna change your life and then all of a sudden we're like I got Amazon on TV oh my god you just it's it's a game changer I you know it'll be interesting because as you know I think people don't realize comedians like putting themselves in unpredictable situations and they also so in other words you go on stage and you'd think all right they got a microphone but you don't know yeah you don't know if these jokes that you've been doing for the past eight months suddenly aren't gonna work but like the thing having this special on Amazon there's a lot of I don't knows like you there's at least you know when I've done specials on Comedy Central I knew what was gonna happen and I knew what kind of feedback or even Netflix it's like but you know it's you know you have to kind of go for the new material you have to go for the new place so that some of my approach is like I hope people watch it on Netflix but I don't know I mean I'm still me buying things on iTunes which me when you yeah right right when you sign your deal yeah he's a captain's gone to Amazon and I went what he's our captain is one Amazon I was like really goes we got a good Amazon I was like really goes oh dude I mean he's going to [ __ ] Amazon I mean that's like dude I mean and we we had a full conversation about you going Amazon it is it's so interesting how having because there there's a friend of ours I don't want to identify them but like they're being forced to choose between two scenarios where to put the special there their next special and I'm kind of like you go somewhere new yeah that's I mean I you know to someone who you know like I'm sure if someone has Netflix they're like just put them all on Netflix so I can just have Netflix but I also think that I described I think Netflix is like it's great it's amazing it's been very good to me but it's kind of like I may be doing live flicks I have five on Netflix but like it Netflix is like I describe Netflix as a swimming pool that is like instead of one or two floaties there's like 300 floaties yeah so you're like I you know I could have fun in here but I don't know where I don't want to like I'm not gonna be able to see that so at least by going to Amazon I think when people go to the the the Amazon Prime page they'll see it there and they'll see it even after a week whereas like you know Netflix I feel like you got a week and then it's over well for you the thing we assess I'll tell you why we thought it was a good move yeah you are arguably I'll say I'll say tend to be fair but I think it's smaller than that top ten comics in the world right you are one of the top ten when it comes to the tickets you can sell the audience's you can draw the attention and and your material is not you're not isolating so you are like a bring in you're the kind of person that anyone can show to anyone yeah go you're gonna like this and it's not by design it's just how it's just done it's just who you also people think comedians had some grand plan it's like we just do how works we just try and be funny and that's how it comes out and I think we were talking about it we're like on Netflix or your business move to move to Amazon on Netflix you are still in that top group of comedians but when you go to Amazon it really turns a head where you are everyone goes like Oh Jim oh I want to watch the new Jim Gaffigan special I'm going to Amazon for them it was a really brilliant business move to bring you there but for you it's great because you are on top of the mountain they're going like here's what I here's my special it really sit it singles your special out from the group of ten that you're in yeah here's where I am come over here it is it's fascinating because there is there's something about specials that comedy specialist that's changes constantly like five years ago people would be like you know there you can go to Amazon I mean you can go to Netflix and then five years but like I was so lucky when beyond the pale aired on Comedy Central in 2006 at that time every dorm room in America was had cable and was playing comedies under like when I went to college you didn't even you'd have a TV in your dorm room area but not like they didn't pay for cable and so and then so like and then five years later it's like there was this independent kind of like put it on your website thing and then then five years later it was Netflix and it's like I think it's always shifting yeah so I don't know I mean look Disney's coming that's what I heard you know HBO max is gonna be like Time Warner and then Apple I mean I don't know if like I like for obsessed I think it was obsessed I went to Amazon this was probably like nine years ago and I said you've got a streaming service everyone I don't think their streaming service was that big I was like I'll give you my special for X amount and you air it and then we'll drive traffic to Amazon which is what you want and they're like hmm we'll give you two cents in a view and I'm like no no you don't understand this is like an opportunity yeah for you to get people to go to Amazon and so I was waiting for Amazon to get in the game and I it'll be interesting it'll be interesting to see what Disney does it'll be really interesting to see what Apple does cuz I don't know if I don't know if Apple is it's like these companies like Amazon and Apple it's like they don't need to get into like the fickle weird business of entertainment they're making physical they're making and selling physical things so you know it's I'm thrilled that Amazon but Amazon could crush the world at anything if they want it they really could right you know I show my special to Zappos Zappa to people yeah like that's I mean it ya know it will be that way it could it easily could I'd read an article about you today in the New York Times yeah about about your move to Amazon and and you look at a guy like Andrew Schultz who's doing huge he's he just kind of am I gotta be honest with you I was when I didn't know what I was gonna do with my last special I did and I know that it was gonna be a buyer I was like the the model is just chop it up put it online turn into the vlog yeah and that and he's selling huge tickets real I just yeah by all he does is he every week every other day releases a new bit little crowd work in a bit why and his YouTube's gone huge he's got a huge podcast with Charlamagne tha God Wow yeah and it's it but it's like part of it is if you're not paying attention to what's going on in the game you're missing it well there is something particularly in this day and age where I think there was this Hollywood Reporter thing and I look a lists are stupid we know that but they had this list of not the most successful people but the power most powerful people in comedy and on this list they did not have Jerry Seinfeld who has comedians and cars which he sold for a hundred million dollars in Netflix it did not have Chris Rock who literally is remaking all the Saw movies and is the lead in the next season of Fargo and is an iconic akkadian iconic it didn't have Dave Chappelle who by the way kids could announce you know I'm gonna do a show on the and people would go to the moon yeah and it didn't have Joe broken it didn't it you know what last weekend sold 20,000 tickets it's like the the disconnect from the reality is is really like I mean I you know as a comedian you'd never expect when you read an article on stand-up you never expect it to be right but you don't expect them to miss these five legends oh yeah and you don't expect them to miss all of them look there is something about Rogan success where I'm like why are they ignoring it why are they ignoring this guy who has such monolithic power that is you know like Howard Stern level success oh yeah why would they you know it's is it resentment is it is it they you know they're turned off by UFC do they well I mean I don't understand it I'll tell you I'll tell you I'll tell you why in my opinion yeah someone said to me one time in this business they said yeah if you can't make me any money I don't really care about you and I went oh and in my head I thought oh our jobs as talent is to make sure everyone's getting paid as long as people can make money off of us they care about us and they put us up on a pedestal Rogan is so independent that no one is making money off him except for like if someone comes in and does his part is he ever manager or an agent it's got the same manager for like 30 [ __ ] years oh yeah yeah yeah he's got I was the same yes Jeff Sussman he's got this it's a very small tight knit team with a little pirate ship of him and like he's got one ad sales team for his podcast to do it's like two people a wife and husband who out of Wisconsin and they like dealer's ad sales and it's just everything is everything's sell men he doesn't go and do press he was not going on to tonight's show he's not going on he's not going to depress he does his own thing and I think Hollywood is amazed by it but they go how do I get a piece of it and once when they realized there's no piece for them to get they start to resent it I think I think that's the thing with podcasts so I've talked to managers or they're like it is it's podcasting thing and they kind of flip it off and you're like do I make more money on my podcast than I made on Travel Channel yeah I've made more money on my podcast and I ever made and stand up yeah like and then yeah and then you're like oh you know what that's the thing oh there is like this belief that the entertainment industry they just care about money but I don't think they do care about money here's what I think also I think the entertainment industry is about perception it's about people wanting to be it's about cool kids right it's about the clicks and the thing is is that in this era of politically correct and me too and all this stuff that you can't champion Oh white guy who's aggressive right it's just it's it's bad timing so but I think it really comes down to uh uh well I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I don't even think Hollywood cares as much about money as they care about perception if there's so much pretend in the entertainment industry I'm always baffled by it it's like I love acting and I love doing movies but it's like even when you go to a premiere you're like you know this is just where we saw Avengers a week ago I know that we're art house people now but like yeah I just sat here with my six-year-old and now we're pretending that we're at the Kodak Theatre I don't you know I mean it's or the Dolby theater it's it's just a strange kind of delusion yeah it it I wholly would I get less and less enchanted by Hollywood the older I get quiet where I just like like someone asked me if I want some this is gonna really [ __ ] my chances someone has asked me if I wanted to be in a like a big-budget movie it's like the funny guy that yeah comes in for a scene and I was like nah really he's like why not and I was like it's not gonna be a waste of time like you can find a guy that that's his goal in life yeah I'm not good at that I mean like and I and I really when I act I feel personally if I'm not making if it's not my project yeah when I act I feel like I'm monumentally wasting my time well by the way it's I mean I look at like the empire's of you and Segura and his wife and I'm just like it's like yeah why why do it this this for me is so do I love acting so it's like I wrote her a great [ __ ] actor you you I remember your part in the [ __ ] mud three kings oh wow that's a funny time there's move you you've been in movies where I just pop up and go shut the [ __ ] up has your kids ever done that been watching a movie and go dad is that you yeah no they did that they're like are you in 13 going on 30 I'm like yeah I am yeah I am I'm in then they're like oh you've been in more movies this past year then yeah it was 507 but it's just it's just strange timing some of it's an animated some of it is like these indie art house movies that take [ __ ] movies yeah I tell you that's over two years and they all just came out the same year the trailer that blew me away my movie that I'm like I'm gonna love this yeah is where you're you play to Dad's oh really oh yeah I loved that trailer oh really I love that trash yeah that was that's fun I mean that's just like it's it's it's just so fun like you the weird thing is is like I don't think let me just make sure I just think that comedians we are such independent and were spoiled by our independence you know going onstage we're gonna talk about something you know we're gonna change our minds or we're gonna alleviate this tension we're gonna just talk off the top of our heads and try and make it funny that that same kind of joy we feel in that I find that in acting yes so good being like you know like sitting in that tension so like even when you do a joke that you know the audience is gonna like be like shocked or kind of taken back the same Glee in that or enjoyment we feel in that is I feel that in a moment where there's like the character you're playing is doing the wrong thing like the because you know the audience is like oh dude don't do that so it's just as gratifying as as as you know relieving tension I think the in tell me if I'm correct in this in 2000 you were the most marketable man in America oh yeah no I was no that's my brother my brother my brothers went into finance the two of them did and and so Business Week I was sales they called me salesman of the year because I was in so many commercial thermos right there was just so many what was the one that you were the face of like Sierra Mist um I can't remember one of the names of the car companies and this was really rolling Iraq I did Rolling Rock campaign this is when those campaigns were like 125,000 dollars yeah if you got the right ones I did it my first big campaign I got was for blockbuster when they were introducing blockbuster to the UK and they would fly me over to the UK first class and now it's shoot for like two days and fly back and the commercials would only run in the UK and it was just and I was like the first time I was ever like really famous was in the UK were people like you're in that commercial and and so it was weird oh you did Chrysler is that what the one oh the minivan right yeah it's my brain doesn't work but I did those with my kids like they were like what was it called the minivan Pacifica and they were like we want you to do these campaign I go I'll do them if and they had me with this fictitious family I'm like I want my real family yeah and all right and so I did them with my kids cuz also we were doing the show at that point and I knew that it was gonna be like two or three days and I didn't wanna you know it's like you you get these opportunities and you're like I don't want to like subtract myself from my children's lives yeah dear I mean I know but so so the movies you did this year I gotta talk about a little bit about the one that I saw last night American dreamer yeah heavy right heavy stuff but it's so fun I saw it I decided I'm not taking his an axe last night Yeah right my I was like I'll take 1/4 of a milligram of xanax and sleep through the night go to spin class and I go you know I'm not gonna do that I'm just gonna I'm gonna be found fine I'm gonna go to sleep I don't think I have any panic going on tonight yeah I start the movie and I'm like I'm like wait what is this about 29 minutes in I turned it off and I go [ __ ] this movie I can't watch that movie I can't watch this it's so and as a dad it must have been really hard for you yeah there's the scene in there that as a dad you're like dude I didn't think that was gonna happen no in that movie I'll go no no no no right no and even until the end of the movie I was like something's gonna happen where that didn't happen right right yeah do that but the black dude you play with you is so far oh yeah yeah no it's it's and that was like bare-bones that was were in Norfolk Virginia for 17 days like all pretty much all night shoots so it was like every day you'd wake up at like 5:00 p.m. and you'd or you'd get a report to work it like 6:00 you'd wait for it to get dark and you'd start shoot it cuz it's one night essentially yeah and it was just like you're just delirious you know and it's like I'm not partying or anything but you're just like that night shift is you just makes people crazy that movie [ __ ] with your head yeah I mean it's it's it's weird cuz as when you play these characters you need to have a justification for all the behavior and you can't have any doubt you can't be like I'm pretending to do this horrible thing you have to be like this is the only thing I could do so it was you know I love acting and I love kind of like I kind of rationalize and justify all the characters behaviors so that like it is strange on like a break you'll be talking to somebody at craft service and they'll be like can you believe your character is such a jerk and you're like I'm like he's a jerk he's doing just enemy wrestled to the ground by a cop yeah that could happen to anyone do the ID like there's so much to that where I go and this is why I think when I think about acting I don't think I'd ever I don't think I have that depth to ever do that but when that one scene where you come to see your wife well I'm not gay but you come to see your wife and it starts crate it starts crazy it starts subtle crazy when you put that toy car in your pocket I go talking to a car kids [ __ ] oh god this is getting weird yeah and then and then you go from that everything escalated so quickly yeah and you you did it you know what there's no like you did it in your face and I'm saying they're going oh yeah I don't got that but but we but we know so many people we have so many friends that are perfectly normal we look at them on their appearance we know people that look like them and we go oh this is what this person's like and then you know particularly with comedians you know they're crazy but like you get to know them and you're like oh I was I had a bias in my mind that they were going to be like this but there's I also think there's there's a darkness in all of us in that scene I thought that could definitely be me oh yeah I was like that is definitely me where it's just nothing's happening right for me yeah I can't get my words out and I have so many thoughts that are attached to emotions that there I was like I'm telling you man like they're so I can't watch every movie in like I can't watch [ __ ] mill in films oh wow I can't why have a hard time with thrillers like hardcore thrillers wow I have a hard time with I mean the [ __ ] III I'm not to give anything away but I mean I don't aim to talk about it but like when you when you after you've done the thing and you pick them up and oh yeah and your trunks not working if you know what I mean yeah I'm like um I'm hitting 15 seconds forward 15 seconds back 15 seconds forward because I'm jumping I don't want to jump to I wanna get the [ __ ] out of the situation but I want to know what's going on it's a jump back yeah [ __ ] intense movie oh yeah no it was and it's if there's like three or four people in the whole movie and it's raising actors amazing right and it's there was I don't want to give anything away but like you can't because because there's stuff that that happens where this guy does stuff and and you know it's like these act by the way the actor who plays now I can't his name's Robbie Jones but I can't remember his character's name he was in that character the entire time and he said then we wrapped and afterwards it was like 7:00 in the morning and he's like he's like he's like I'm a big fan of your stand-up and he was like a different person but he was like in that that drug dealer mode like you know just like what's up buddy you know like like he was always that character of the entire shoot and so then I finally met him at the end look I didn't know he wasn't and now I know him as this bright smiling God but he never smiled Wow so which so what I want to get you out of here cuz I know you got a huge day but what's your year look like now like what like I'm curious cuz like I know I'm busy yeah but you're busy is like I remember the guys from broken lizards saying they got you in their movie yeah and they're like dude you have no idea how busy was he literally flew in drove right to set shot a scene drove right to this plane and left no that was that was that but that's also what I love when I did Super Troopers - I worked on a movie in the morning a truck with Liev Schreiber not a big part or a big scene flew to Western Mass where they were shooting and then a shot for a couple hours it was just small scene flew to Boston and did two shows at the Wilbur and I was like I mean I'm so tired right now but like that's what it's all about like I love acting and stand-up like when you have those two show nights it's like you're exhausted but there's kernels that you discover in those two shows that make it all worth it what's your treat at the end of the night when at the Wilbur mines my tito's a soda oh I'm after a long day like that you don't your second showing you're like now a little me time what's your like treat well my treat is food because I very much am kind of a guy who after a show when I'm on the road I want to eat dinner like I want to eat dinner like in a restaurant I don't like room service I don't like eating in a room I like the whole kind of experience of being in a restaurant like after the will will you go hey let there's a restaurant little stay open and cities like Boston there will be yeah you're I mean or it's like but I have to do something because the mind is racing right and so like some of the booze thing it's like I when I first started doing theaters I would do these two shows and then I would do I would meet everyone in the audience okay that's probably meant I would shake hands with everyone and then I kept getting the flu have you gotten the flu no but I'm afraid me get spinal meningitis no but they'll get the flu and then I would go home and my wife would be pregnant at the time and she's like you can't keep coming back here sick yeah so um I tell everyone where I'm gonna go drink and I know if you want to meet me there go there and then I end up doing 500 pictures yeah everyone and I don't I won't get sick on the road but a second I get a break my body shuts down I get sick yeah I mean you know I don't have that energy anymore so like I I you know my big thing is like I'll have a nice steak after a show and I love it that's that's all I need I'll like have a steak and then I'll just you know then I go back to my room and watch cable news who-who opens for you Ted Alexandro oh yeah I had him on the podcast yeah yeah he was great idea I had him on the podcast everyone's like no you didn't know I did yeah we just couldn't release it was a long story really yeah it was a long story it's like the sweetest kindest guy we had a great conversation we just talked about one subject too much and uh so and so he was you know he just felt uncomfortable about it and so I was like oh yeah I go dude next time you're out we'll do a podcast we'll drive away yeah hilarious okay cool yeah really fun no he's great yeah and he's like such a great writer so it's awesome being you know and like he's so good so it's like he goes up at does 20 and I'm like [ __ ] you know it's like you got it really kind of pushes you to like to you know you gotta meet some of the challenges so what does your year look like oh so my year I went about touring and movies and TV and books and it's you know my wife has a book coming out in October so I'm gonna be we're gonna be doing some press for that I have the American dreamer coming out September 20th I am doing some Eastern European shows in November really and then meeting my family in Casablanca and then [ __ ] cool is that and then like around Christmas break school Christmas break I'm doing a bunch of shows in Florida so it's like it's so will be based out of there and all dart and do the shows so it'll be great and I did that two years ago in Florida and it's amazing because obviously I mean it's paradise here we're in LA right now but like on the East Coast like that's when people are like we love you Florida we were sorry all the bad things we said yeah I mean Oh a hundred percent sugar and I both grew up in Florida yeah we're definitely sewers gonna be an Eastern European Europe right before you are oh really yeah deal you and Tom Segura could be best friends we could he's a football player too wasn't he yeah yeah Wow we you for poplar I was a football player really but I'm younger than you guys yeah but like you you and Tom at the same rail and he he's like a guest on the show he's like let's go to restaurant have a nice dinner yeah go to bed I'll watch TV yeah it's just I also get in trouble and I don't want to get in trouble yeah like some of it is like you are the machine you're supposed to get in trouble yeah right yeah yeah yeah I was flying across country with marijuana and I was nervous about it yeah my wife's like why I go what if I get caught she goes it's just a great story for your special and I was like no no no no your wife I lose my pre-check honey like Rita I am [ __ ] she was like I can't believe you're worried about losing priests what about when you go to the airport and the pre-check thing doesn't show up on your ticket uh Jim I'm so neurotic that I look at it and if it's not I have my known traveler number in my phone I go you need to put that back on my I'm a hardcore obsessive about flow yeah yeah um favorite country you've done stand-up in I don't think you answered it no I I don't know I love all of them for different reasons your first time to Eastern Europe this will be the first time to like the Baltics and Poland and Jesus and look I'm doing Vienna and then I'm doing Lisbon which will be but I'm I am such a nerd for life and I spend like a day and a half in these cities but it is it's so fun it's so fun and it's just great for like you know a glimpse of a culture Oh Ryan I said to my daughters they said what was your favorite part of of Bali I said what I took this like spiritual bath yeah they said what's your favorite part of Australia I said look the look on George's face my oldest yeah we're walking around Australia and she was smiling I said what he smiling about she goes I could live here and I went huh oh wow I think I just I think I did a good thing as a parent yeah I think I changed you in a good way that you were like I could try this place out and so the did you know your kids did they hold a koala bear and I could see a kangaroo and all that Jim we got to put a we got a visitor koalas and yeah I heard the guy say you could pet them yeah and so I'm videotaping so I go to pet it and immediately my wife [ __ ] rule-followers like did you ask me to pet that and so we got in a big fight about at the koalas I recorded the whole thing and it just it was just everything is a [ __ ] show in my family like everything but that's everyone's family and that's why I think people identify is that it is like when I was on vacation with my kids last week and it was an amazing time but there were these moments of drama like just like screaming fights my children and them beating each other and I'm still a it was a great week Johnny because there's just so much drama in life do you have to run bits by them and go hey this happened and I want to talk about on a stage not not really I mean I there's you know it's it's generally I wouldn't do anything that would embarrass them that much I talked about my girls having their periods on Conan because because my youngest threw herself a period party I was like that's so [ __ ] interesting and I threw it I had to throw the party I to buy all the stuff for it sounds like I'm definitely talking about this on stage you didn't run it by him just dinner on Conan they watched it that night and then I'll adjust goes yo he's making fun of us my wife cos yeah she I thought you'd like celebrate how cool it was my wife's like no baby no one has a period party she's like I thought everyone had period parties like no that's why dad is making fun of it's so weird that you did that and you named your period like not a lot of people named their periods she was like so now something will happen it she'll be like hey like can't talk about this on stage I'll be like all right I'm cool I get it that's cool yeah well dude I appreciate you doing this I know you guys are swamped today it's never-ending journey and I you know it's like I don't understand how you know talking on a podcast is tiring I mean we're literally sitting down and friends catching up and I'm like now I'm gonna need a nap I think it [ __ ] with your serotonin I think what what did the podcast you doing today I'm doing Larry King shut up Larry King and then I did Access Hollywood before I saw you on Segura's podcast oh yeah that was great he loves you oh really Oh loves you oh that's so nice yeah he was he you guys I'm telling you man really yeah you got it what would be the ultimate tour of your to put you with three other comedians Kings of Comedy style who would you like to do would who do you think you could sell a hundred thousand tickets to you and two or three other guys I don't know I mean I would love to see you Rogen Chappelle I think it would be like the thing is this Rogen and Chappelle you've already sold 40,000 tickets you don't need anyone else all right but I think I think maybe I'm done talking about your fan base is someone is a group that is like your fan base is like I mean just like it's very yours like I share from Joe's a pipe I don't even touch Chappelle's audience I don't think they know who I am like I share from Joe's from Tom's from Joey's but yours is like this out it's like when Kimmel showed up on the scene they're like he's got he only has three million viewers what's at the timeless low but they're like but no one else's ratings changed so those are three million people that weren't watching television that's interest that's your fan bases is like is like people that are getting a lot of them are getting introduced to comedy through you I think you're like that that you that you're the I'm the gateway gateway drug well dude congratulations on the Amazon special congratulations on all the movies you know all the seven movies coming out this year I do know them American dreamer that follow being Frank that's the one I'm dying to see there's light from light which is a super nd and the Playmobil which is an animated one I think that seven I don't know and then the special drops this Friday this Friday yeah but wait a when does this air when do you want it there I'd like it this is it everything this Friday this Friday this Friday yeah then we will drop it today okay so I should do it beforehand would do one way about it should we should drop it now well women maybe we drop it on Friday I gotta drop it on Wednesday you got to drop it on a Wednesday yeah so my ad sales works oh yeah so usually comes out this actual Friday correct yes okay so okay cuz I'm doing rogen tomorrow so I don't know if you want to not be oh you know what I'll do let's drop it let's drop it next week next Wednesday next Wednesday because that way people can go immediately and go get it okay great you're doing Rogen today no tomorrow tomorrow yeah what I did I you know I don't know I did it two years ago and but like that was when he used to do it at the ice house yeah so do they still smoke before everyone oh yeah I got a do Kimmel after I'm like oh [ __ ] yes get high I mean no disrespect you no disrespect to Jimmy Kimmel but I guarantee you get more viewers on Kimmel if you smoke pot with Rogan on Rogen's and then go to Kimmel high everyone will tune in Jim everyone will be like just watching you on oh my god everyone high all the time no but ever it's the funnest like if you go on Rogan you're like I wouldn't mind trying a blunt Joe's gonna light up it'll be the best [ __ ] podcast ever all of us will get so it's like the it's like when he just had Bernie Sanders on and you know Bernie had to have said listen I can't smoke pot I can't do the Elon Musk thing yeah oh yeah that's gonna be [ __ ] awesome yeah well wrote will post this next week and everyone will have heard you on Rogen that's gonna be a great appearance but [ __ ] yeah that's awesome man that's fun I'm so excited for you dude so you do one a week I do want a week and do you and you can do them from anywhere can do it anybody do it here but yeah anywhere oh but like do you bank I'm like a bank um and then I can post them whenever I can do them on the road and so that guy over there does the editing of the videos yeah if there's anything you want take him out just let him know he'll tell it take it out not that I know I think we're fine um so interesting so how many downloads do you get what how many oh you can get out loud if you say it out loud right here turn off the camera oh you're superstitious yeah dude thank you for doing this Jim Horace [ __ ] nobody

Channel: Bert Kreischer

Views: 397,964

Keywords: Bert Kreischer, Jim Gaffigan, Podcast, Bertcast

Id: EHC0QlO_02w

Length: 85min 18sec (5118 seconds)

Published: Wed Aug 21 2019