[Dark ominous music] [Crescendo into a triumphant tune] [Triumphant music] [Concrete crushing] [Triumphant music] You ready? Yeah. Let's do this. [Elevator music] [Door opens] [Inception "Boom"] Oh hey guys. What's up? [Knuckles crunching] [Intro theme] So what do you think of our prequel to DC Avengers part one? We accomplished what Marvel did in several movies with just one movie with the exact same results. I'd rather we saw a good Batman Superman movie. What? I thought you liked it. NO!!! Kinda... Well then you didn't like it? No... KINDA!!!! Well then what's the problem? People have been waiting years to see this team up. Yeah and the choices that you made were just so... so... DC! Critic: This is arguably the most anticipated comic book movie of all time, in that people have been waiting to see it even before it was announced. There have been several comics where Batman and Superman are together, as well as cartoons but despite there being tons of Batman and Superman movies there had never been one with them together. However, with the Marvel crossovers proving to be exceptionally successful DC felt it was time to throw their hat into the ring and use this as a means to start their own DC cinematic universe. Despite a very strong opening, it's box office dropped a shocking 68% the following weekend. How bad is that? Batman and Robin's second weekend had a 63% drop. Wow... that means more people went back to see that film rather than Batman versus Superman. What the hell have you done Zach? Alright, well why don't just you start from the beginning of the film? Alright. Wait wait you're just playing a few minutes from Batman Begins. EXACTLY!! Critic: After showing a flashback we've seen done so much I'm surprised there's not action figures of it we cut to yet another flashback of Bruce driving through Metropolis when it was being destroyed by Zod. Vague business associate, you have to get out of Metropolis. Why? Oh, wow good thing you called me I never would have looked out the window to notice that. [Explosion] I will avenge you man the audience barely knows. As well as all the lives we're only now acknowledging might be Superman's fault! Joe: Flash forward a year later as thank God Lois figures out Clark Kent is Superman and they discuss their future together. Clark, I'm concerned people were shot to death in the desert and they're blaming you for some... reason. Hey Zach what's that about? Yeah, what's that about? Well if you can't see how they would mistake Superman shooting people to death.. Yeah who do they think he is, Batman? I don't think I should have to explain the obvious. Besides, this leads to a very deep conversation. I just don't know if the world is ready to accept you. Or if what you're doing is right. Or if it is right if it's just going to make things worse. You're standing in the bathtub. I'm standing in the bathtub. I feel like we were discussing some very important issues here. But I'm standing in the bathtub. Eh, good point. Critic: But it looks like one of the people intimidated by Supes is Lex Luther, played remarkably without an apology by Jesse Eisenberg. Hey mister senator man look what I got! A shiny green rock that can weaken Kryptonians! I'll let you have it if you give me access to Zod's ship. You seem completely unbalanced, why would I give you access to any of that? Because I've got Jolly Ranchers. Sold! Cherry! Cherry. By the way Wonder Woman is in this movie. Hello. Okay so what's the problem? Come on. First Jesse Eisenberg. Second if Superman took down military satellites trying to track him, why the hell didn't he take Zod's ship a weapon from Krypton away from them? Third Jesse Eisenberg. Fourth there's no reason for Luther to hate Superman here. In the comics and movies Superman foils his evil plans constantly so it makes sense to try to kill him. But in this movie if anything Lex Luther benefits from Superman as he said he has contracts to rebuild everything that was destroyed. His motivations are completely backward! Well like everyone else he's afraid of Superman's massive power and ability to destroy. He makes Doomsday later! That's like five Supermans with a fist for a brain! And what was that other thing? Oh yeah. JESSE EISENBERG!! Critic: Whether you want to call him Lex Luther Jr. or whatever this is a beyond awkward performance. Joe: Even at his corniest, Lex is a powerful charming diabolical mastermind. He always had a cool attitude, a business type mindset and a suave calculating demeanor. Critic: This guy is more like Roger Rabbit if he was a super villain. But at least he introduces Clark Kent to Bruce Wayne. That will really get them hating each other. Yeah, but why? We have a vague understanding of why Batman hates Superman but there is really no reason Superman should hate Batman. So nice to meet you Bruce Wayne. The pleasure is all mine Clark Kent. I hear Batman is trampling on civil liberties, making people live in fear thinking he's above the law. [Music] I hear Superman is powerfully dangerous putting tons of people in harm's way. If there's even a one percent chance that he's unstable he must be destroyed. [Music] By the way Wonder Woman is in this movie. Hello. Howdy boys! God I love bringing people together this reminds of the time.. [continues talking in background] Who's the pipsqueak? That's Lex Luther. No! Afraid so. Does he ever shut up? I don't know, let's ask him. [Punches] Well I guess I had that coming. See ya later boys! Smooookin'! This is like a bad dream man. No, that's my department. What? Yeah, I want most people to look at me and say he was such a good Batman he could do most of it in his sleep. So I do most of it in my sleep. In fact this is a dream sequence right now. No kidding. Yeah. [Eerie music] Subplot Future characters Things you don't understand yet so it must be clever Hello. [Gasps] Master Wayne, what is it? [Sigh] I just don't know commissioner Alfred. I just feel like the motivations of the next film are being figured out before the motivations of this film. That's still not going to get me grandchildren any time soon. [Sigh] Not this again. Yes this again! Joe: It gets even weirder when Batman is chasing down some guys who have the kryptonite and Superman stops him right in his tracks for pretty much no reason. Well, bye only weakness that can kill you. I hate you. Why? Because you're a vigilante. You're a vigilante, I hate you because you're responsible for a ton of deaths. You're responsible for a ton of death! That's ridiculous! I value human life much more than you ever will. Just stop hypocriting where I'm hypocriting. Go back to Gotham, it's literally across the street. Tell me something. [Ominous music] Do you bleed? Whoa whoa whoa. We're cool, we're cool. Yeah, that's what I thought. Listen detective, if I'm so bloodthirsty as you say I am why haven't I killed you already? Because I intimidate you? Boo. You never answered me. Do you bleed? You will. What did you say? Nothing, nothing. [Crash] Oh, real mature. [Music] [Music] Okay so you guys don't think Batman and Superman have enough reasons to hate each other. But hey you got to give me credit, Lex Luther his plan is pretty amazing. How? Zach: By inviting Superman to the capital building and then blowing it up causing people to hate him more. But even in the movie they know he didn't do it. And why would Superman use a bomb? He doesn't need one! But it's okay because he scares Superman into exile. Was that Lex's plan? I don't know. [Scoffs] I mean yes, yes that's exactly what he wanted. Why does he make another Kyrptonian then? Joe: He tricks the incredibly advanced Kyrptonian technology using fake fingerprints and forces it to genetically combine his DNA with that of Zod. Computer: You know genetic mutation is forbidden by Kyrptonians. But they're all dead so it really doesn't matter. Computer: Even though your fingerprints convinced me otherwise, I'll roll with it. Point. Don't you wish this is how all advanced technology worked? Computer: This phone is password protected. Yeah, but the guy who owned it died. Computer: Oh, okay here's all his info. Critic: Jackpot! Oh hey, whose phone is that? Oh it's yours. What? Hey, give me that! Critic: Oh! Look at all the spartan porn! I don't need this I'm friends with Christopher Nolan. Critic: So while in exile, Clark comes across his dead father building a snow fort. This is either because A) He's a ghost B) Clark's hallucinating C) More inconsistent Kryptonian technology or D) If this is really your biggest question through all of this you're on Quaaludes. Nut up. Okay! Joe: Meanwhile Luther's men sneak up on Lois and kidnap her. Oh, don't worry this happens ALL the time. I brought my own chloroform. [Inhales] [Thud] Critic: And she wakes up on top of Lex's building. Hello my dear. Aha, I knew it! Through my journalistic skills I figured out it was you thus completing my incredibly essential role to this film. Oh, you figured out that Lex Luther was the bad guy huh? Real brain scratcher there. Nobody else would have figured that one out. You really solidified yourself as a necessity there. You know what I was doing while you were figuring out that incredible info? I figured out who Superman was. I figured out who Batman was. And I planned two kidnappings to take place on the night that he was planning to finish him off. See, see? There you go. And you know what the best part is? I did all of that off screen so even I don't know how I did all this impossible shit! Um... Phew! Is it chilly up here or is that just the cold uselessness of your character? Hey! I'm really important. Oh, yeah sure. Let's get to the one thing that we know you're good at. [Yells] Lois: Thank you, I really am important! It's over Luther. Your mama says blah. Says blah? No, but she will when I slit her throat. MAMA! Now go kill Batman because I think it would be cool. Okay. This is it, we barely have a reason to hate each other except we hate the fact that the other one kills. I'll kill you for that! [Yelling] Eh? Ehh? Pretty high drama huh? Isn't this it? Isn't this what you've always wanted to see? Yeah, it's what we've always wanted to see.. But not why we wanted to see it. Critic: We want to see Batman and Superman fight because they have different ideologies that we enjoy. One is dark and aggressive, the other is kind and hopeful. Seeing two points of view that are different but we identify with go head and head is deep and conflicting drama. Joe: But Superman is fighting to save his mom and Batman is fighting because he pretty much does what he does. It's not an epic fight if the motivations are weak. It is the literal definition of forced. Yeah, but isn't it so cool the way Batman swings him around like a yo-yo? Yeah... And isn't it cool the way Superman punches him across the building? Yeah... And wasn't it cool when Batman sprayed him with kryptonite gas so just minutes later he could stab him with a kryptonite spear? Wait a minute. Why didn't he just stab him with the spear first? Huh? Yeah, this is a battle of brains as well as brawn. Why didn't Batman just stab him as his first move? I... um... Well.. Look Aquaman is in the movie! Hello. Answer the question! Okay we did it so people could see more of them fighting. I'm cool! And there's your problem. They see them fighting but they don't experience them fighting. Anyone can just watch two people fight. Hell, you can just take two strangers put them in Batman and Superman costumes and have them do cool stuff. Joe: But if you're constantly questioning why throughout the whole thing you're not experiencing it. You're constantly being distracted by elements that don't add up. But perhaps you didn't hear me. Aquaman is in the movie! Hello. [Both sigh] Cyborg? No Zach, no. Critic: Batman has the upper hand until an amazing discovery is made. Martha... What? What did you say? I.. need to save.. Martha! Oh my God. My mother is still alive. No you idiot! Your mothers have the same name. This instantly erases all hatred. From now on you and I will be best friends. I'll throw this over here then. [Splash] Haha! I've created the ultimate Kryptonian devil! I'll just go and grab that then. [Splash] Lois: Oh, Clark! I'm drowning in the water! [Sigh] What is this like the fourth time? I'll save you Lois. And I'll grab the spear which is the only thing that weakens me. Lois: I'm important! Superman: Yeah, you used to be. And I'm Batman. Haha! I've done it I've created the ultimate Kryptonian devil! Candy? Oh, oh my face! Why did you smear it all over my face? What's going on here Lex? I thought you hated Kyrptonians, now you've made another one? Your plan makes no sense. You don't get it, my plan is chaos. God versus god, anarchy. The bell has been rung. Ding ding ding ding ding! Let's put a smile on that face! Lex... Luther? Uh-huh. You're portraying Lex Luther right now? That's nothing, wait until you see how well we understand Doomsday. Doomsday? Yes, we wrote him so he's a combo of Lex and Zod's DNA creating... Rawr. Rawr. I am your Doomsday. I will fight him! But that's not what Doomsday looks like. Oh, what did you expect? A monster evolved from cloning thousands of alien babies dying and being reborn until it created the ultimate killing machine? Like in the comic? Yeah! Well, why would that look anything like Zod and Luther's goddamn DNA!? Critic: A combination of Zod and Luther should look exactly like that, Zod and Luther. Where did this double size double muscle brain dead dick missing creature come from? In fact wait a minute, Lex Luther combining his DNA with Kryptonian DNA to create an uncontrollable monster? That's Nuclear Man! Oh my God! Zach Snyder is getting inspiration from Superman IV, the worst Superman movie ever! But... But... We got Doomsday in the movie!! Dude this isn't a contest for how much shit you can jam in this movie. We loved these characters because they were given time to develop. Just because you give them the same name doesn't automatically make them the same character. But what if we had the Flash? Shut.. the hell.. UP! Okay. Joe: So after Wonder Woman finally joins the team... Hello. Oh, I can stay this time? Awesome. Joe: Batman has a great idea! We need to lure him into the city towards the kryptonite where all this innocent people are. Wouldn't it be easier to bring the easily transportable kryptonite here? [Sigh] Don't you watch these movies? We don't save people from destruction we bring it to them. Joe: Then Superman has a great idea. I'm going to sacrifice myself to save us all. Are you sure? Yes, even though there is probably a thousand other ways we can be doing this right now but no, I'm going to sacrifice myself. No, I meant are you sure you're going to kill him? Because wasn't killing Zod a big deal in the first one? Yeah, but I got over it. You seem to do that a lot. [Yells] I will fight him! Joe: Superman rushes towards Doomsday with the kryptonite spear and... He dies. Superman dies in the second movie? Well, don't forget there's even more than that. Zach: We use even more Jesus symbolism, don't worry we'll get through all the stations of the cross. Luther is sent to jail. See, I have a bald head now. I'm totally Lex Luther. Why so serious? Zach: And just when you think he's really gone for good a few specks of dirt rise from his coffin. Hinting that maybe, just maybe he'll come back. Thus we have combined the most famous Batman and Superman stories into one emotional package. Giving you exactly what you've always wanted to see. Come on. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! You know what I want to see? No. I want to see the Justice League at his funeral, but now I can't. I want to see a hero slowly stripped of his life in the ultimate battle instead of just being stabbed in one swoop, but now I can't. I want to build a connection with this Superman the same way he built a connection with me in hundreds of stories, but now I can't. I want to fear that this might be the time that Superman doesn't make it back, but now I can't. How many comics were there before Superman died? I don't know. Hundreds, thousands! And how many movies did you make with him? Two. Two! You killed him in two movies and you barely even focused on him! You know what I want to see? I want to see you EARN Superman's death! This isn't fucking Jimmy Olsen. This is goddamn Superman! He deserves your time and respect! Ditto. Critic: This movie is trying to be Marvel, the Dark Knight, Wonder Woman, Justice League, the Death of Superman and Batman versus Superman when Batman versus Superman would have been more than enough. The reason we love so many of the stories that you were trying to fit into this is because each one was its own individual story. The Death of Superman wasn't also a prequel to Suicide Squad or the retelling of Dark Knight Returns. It focused on one story and allowed us to get invested. Sure you have to compromise a story when it comes to making a movie, but when you lose the heart and soul of what made that story so special is it worth just squeezing in instead of devoting the time it deserves? So uh... That's what you really think huh? Well, I'm sorry that my movie didn't please you in the least. Oh, no. A lot of it was pretty awesome. What!? Joe: As much as so many of those scenes suck there's a lot of scenes that are friggin' amazing. The action, the visuals, Affleck as Batman, Irons as Alfred. When it did certain parts of the comic right it was a pretty kick ass film. So wait, did you like it or not? I uh, I mean uh... It's not good. I am glad that I saw it. Critic: If you're just looking for Batman and Superman to fight each other you'll get it, it's just not in a story that makes any sense. Joe: It's got a lot of cool scenes that are hard to say not to go check it out. So in a strange way I'm still recommending it. I suppose that's all over the map, but then again your movie is all over the map so I guess it comes full circle. If those are your thoughts then why did you come all the way out here then? Well uh, we were thinking that maybe we could write the next one. That is a very violent man. Mhmmm. [Music] Critic: And I'm Batman. Hey, Doug Walker here doing the charity shout out. And this is one of the few where I am actually not going to show video from their YouTube channel even though there is video from it. In fact, the imagery is so graphic and so uncomfortable that I was debating even whether or not to do this charity but for that exact reason that's why it really needs to be done it's called KillTheJigger.org. And a jigger is a sand flea, the smallest type of flea there is, in tropical and third world countries where they can burrow in through your foot and they can just pretty much eat you from the inside out. And if you are brave enough to go and see some of these videos and everything it's, it's tough. It's really rough um, but that is all the more reason why these people need to exist and they need to go and kill these things. I mean these things survive by pretty much burrowing into people's feet and just like I said, just destroying them. A lot of them have to have their feet amputated or if they don't get to it quick enough it can spread to other parts. And it's, it's really horrific and this is an organization that goes in and gets rid of these things. And they are trying to build a clinic uh, specifically for this. Because the type of stuff that these things do and how many of them there are uh, it's just astounding. I've never even heard of this thing before, but this is going on and if you want to just donate if you go their site KillTheJigger.org uh, you can just go donate trust me you will be sending it to a good cause. If you want to look at the videos or the imagery you can. Uh, but if you don't want to I would almost advise not to but yeah if you don't want to you can just go to their website and you can donate. and trust me you would definitely be sending it to a good, good cause these are people that really don't deserve to go through this kind of stuff. So definitely go check it out show your support and donate to something really great. Take care.
