"No, You're Not Slim Shady" - Tom Papa - Full Special

1 from New York City Comedy Central presents Tom Papa thank you thank you [Music] hooray you excited for the Big Show yeah I see you looking ladies but I'm sorry I'm married I know it's hard for me too having to pray this man candy around in front of all of you knowing I can't give you a lick still be friends love my girl do happily married fell in love with her the minute I saw her place a lot of pressure though I was married once before to didn't work out it's all right I was young and stupid was an arranged marriage put together by drugs and alcohol never works out I like it though it's good being married you're with someone a long time it's nice you break up it's horrible it's hurtful not because of the emotions you can get over that it's all the secrets they take with them when they go very unsettling after a breakup knowing there's somebody circulating fre freely out there with the knowledge that you like to be spanked with a naked GI Joe yeah but I don't know I don't know what's next kids everyone wants us to breed I don't know not a big fan of the kids frankly yeah I've got tons of nieces and nephews I love them I do you know I hang out with them sometimes I think about have my own you know I babysit them a lot at the end of the day I think I'd rather have lobsters two on my balls they don't listen they come to my house they break stuff I know it's different when they're yours yeah cuz then you can hit them as an uncle what can you do just trip them as they go by well that's Karma Billy you do bad things bad things happen to you can't tease them anymore now call them a nerd they want to get all crazy come on isn't that why you go to school right to learn that people are mean and nasty and they're going to mock you for the rest of your life you don't know that when you're for you're home everyone loves you mom loves you Dad loves you the cat loves you then you get to school you get to school the kids come running in why does your eye do that E look at this guy's eye hey googly ey we all catch it we all go through that I did in third grade I had the same size head I have right now don't clap for that that's a horrible thing I went through sucks having a big head cuz you can't do anything about it what am I going to do go to the gym jump on the head machine my friends would tell me put on a hat put on a hat that's like putting glitter on a pimple I was fat as a kid too that didn't help at all big fat kid my mom love me every day for lunch three salami sandwiches three yeah the other kids didn't let that slide no you know what they called me Tommy salami that's not a nickname for a third grader that's what you call a mafia Hitman or a porn star I was fat most kids are scared of monsters of the boogeyman no you know what scared me that rope in gym class oh I knew I couldn't haul my chubby ass up that rope I used to have nightmares I get halfway up and slide down and smell like bacon and when I was at my fattest my dad gets this idea is going to put me in sports yeah figures that's a place to lose my self-esteem I guess put me in track what a horrible sport that is you know I'm fat I have a big head now I'm in shorts in public no and as soon as a guy hits that gun I got to start running like a jackass why why to be first I don't want to be first I want to be home eating cheese doodles then he put me in wrestling that's a treat when you're 12 fat and Squishy cuz they make you the heavyweight as soon as you get there they're like 105 110 lard ass perfect they put me in a van took me to Piscataway New Jersey to wrestle their heavyweight yeah I figure another fat kid 12 years old this kid had a beard and mustache his kids were watching from the bleachers in two seconds flat I was on my back his nuts in my face it's like great thanks Dad horrible my nephews love it they play the baseball love the baseball I would too now there's no outs when you play baseball now you aware of that no outs so every kid gets to hit every inning they don't even keep score so nobody wins or loses and we all go home happy what kind of crap is that we were told what we were good at I wanted to be an astronaut my parents came to me you can't you're almost and your head won't fit in the helmet I don't know maybe I'll have kids it's not like I'm cool anymore you know I'm not cool at this point it's over you know it's not going to cramp my style at this point were you ever cool sir no see you're okay you were never cool now you can be the same guy your whole life I was cool now I got to be something new I know I'm out of it you know how I know I still watch the MTV love the MTV but it becomes a monitor for how out of it you've become it's true when I was 20 I'd watch spring break it was nice girls in thong bikini we guys popping beers pouring them on her ass when I was 20 I might go get a couple friends I'd be in Florida in two three days now if I showed up MTV security would tap me on the shoulders sir put your shirt on go home to your wife this is embarrassing no you're not Slim [Applause] Shady I need a VH1 spring break you know like we're going to Florida get to South Carolina just stop get out of the car pop a beer pour it on my own ass hang out sing Journey Tunes woo wo woo let's go home let's get out of here and I want to get home early on Sunday I hate getting home late on Sunday say you go to work early on Monday it's like you don't even have a day off load of crap less friends too every year you're live less friends it's amazing you know ask anybody over 30 if they tell you they have more than two more than 10 friends you know they're counting co-workers all my friends split as soon as I got married like rats leaving a sinking ship first cuz we got married and then we moved to Chelsea here in the city they all freaked out Tom you're living in the gay area how are we going to visit you in the gay area what does that mean though a gay area what are all the squirrels running around in fuchsia jumpsuits in that neighborhood the mailman come with the mail here mail for you and you and you mail mail mail probably won't live to be very old living in New York though scary place to live don't you agree not because of the crime that doesn't bother me it's the threat of the terrorist stuff because every time some wacko around the world wants to make a point for some reason they come to Manhattan with plans to blow stuff up and they always say they want to get back at Americans by blowing up the Subways have you been in the Subways there's hardly an American down there there's there's going to be one guy with a bomb in the name of Allah am going to Mother what are you doing here I almost died recently a little advice do not go on the Internet and try and say save money on your flights cheap for a reason I get there there's not even a name on the plane it's just a guy in goggles let's go this [Applause] way every time mechanical problems mechanical problems and they're so dumb that they tell you exactly what's wrong they're not like the big guys you know they're very professional they have a problem very discreet uh we're having uh mechanical difficulties everybody but just sit tight going to get this problem fixed gets you to your destination as quickly but more importantly safely as possible I'm on this piece of crap Airline we're on the runway about to take off good thing we didn't take [Applause] off the left engine isn't working we're going to try and get fuel from the right engine to left engine so if everybody could just lean to left okay we're going to have to get a mechanic out here to take a look at this I'm thinking a mechanic on a Jet Plane should be serious business right guy in a clean jumpsuit military haircut MIT degrees not a mechanic mechanic not a guy when he gets the call is doing bong hits in his shop 5 minutes before that's exactly what they sent out a white guy with dreadlocks so you know he makes a lot of bad decisions this guy's on the plane for two and a half hours the pilot comes back good news everybody they say we're ready to go who's they is the dreadlock guy they they don't look that bright are they coming with us no they're going home by car once you're up there everybody complains about baby bab crying but that's what they do babies cry the kids that bother me are the ones that can talk because they say out loud all of the fears I'm trying to suppress on this death defying flight back home he like all right lift off I hope this is cool kid pops up behind me what's that noise we're really really high that man talks like a lady we're going to die we're going to die scarier than flying for me though staying in hotels that is creepy business isn't it cuz other people have been in those rooms before me a lot of people and people are disgusting we all are I am you are you definitely are not now we look nice we're out we're all dressed up you put on your nice t-shirt and look good we're human beings you let your hair down it gets kind of nasty I don't care who you are and no place you let your hair down more than when you're in a hotel let's face it you do things in a hotel you would never think about doing in your own home soon as that door shuts pants come off woo drop stuff on the floor I ain't picking that crap up sit on the end of the bed clip your toenails Bing binging [Applause] binging Hypocrites though I see one hair in that sink security put me in a dirty room people are bad news you see that report they did on the ABC they took an ultraviolet light through hotels nice hotels see how clean they were they found sperm everywhere everywhere on the remote control on the ceiling on the lamp yeah with how much I travel how do you think I feel there's a good chance that's mine [Applause] creepy it's the truth my anniversary's coming up we're planning a romantic getaway that's yeah that's even worse you ever try that you ever go to a bed and breakfast oh yeah that's a comfortable morning isn't it coming down sharing coffee with all the strangers they were ease dropping on you the night night before well good morning cowboy I'm going to eat my muffin in my room I like going to places that are really warm right now right in the middle of the winter that's nice I get off that plane I'm so white the locals think I'm an angel they give me Trinkets and their daughters it's nice I still take a lot of pictures when I'm out there I don't even know why cuz nobody wants to see them at all it could be the most meaningful experience to you in your life nobody gives a crap and I understand why cuz when you show people pictures of your experience what you're really saying is I'm better than you now look this is me look white waterer rafting in August look at that yeah two weeks where were you in August oh working yeah yeah oh that's when the toner spilled on your suit yeah no that's me better than you right there yeah I gave my dad a digital camera for Christmas that's a mistake he's one of those guys that gets wacky when he takes the photos you know he can't just say cheese he's got to get something clever in there you know the last minute okay come on get in get Grandma okay one two three say donkey turds you just get back pictures of everybody like no one likes getting your picture taken it's uncomfortable it's awkward you ever have that pose that you hit that you think looks good so you try and hit that Mark every time someone shows up with camera every picture of me between 13 and 17 is like who's Tommy salami [Applause] now we got to come up with stuff love you got to try and work that I think that's the answer you find someone you really love it's nice right but you got to work at it it's not an easy thing thing you got to keep practicing you know we all have like 12 sexual tricks in our bag and you run out of those when you're with someone a long time in the beginning it's great hey I didn't know you had that we let's do it down here then you got to start coming up with new tricks and that gets embarrassing especially if you're married if you're dating you try something out sexually it doesn't work you never have to see each other again if you're married they'll remind you of that for the rest of your life you'll be like hey you want to go try it downstairs tonight this isn't going to be like the tool bench incident is it yeah it was that bad I have a scar my wife wants me to role play you ever try that the role play no cuz it's stupid like who do you want me to be she's like anybody but you I'm with her 24 hours a day I'm just supposed to show up hey I'm the plumber I don't want to be the plumber I want to be Batman wants me to talk during sex I don't talk what am I going to say done words are so goofy aren't they they're horrible vagina terrible word right hard you know a man came up with that if a woman named it'd be beautiful and Powerful at the same time it' be like excelsia if you take me shopping I'll show you excelia vagina that sounds like something you're calling sick with doesn't it I can't come to work Don why not I've got vagina it's all over my face best advice though if you have love and want to hang on to it the best advice someone gave me don't break up over the little stuff let all the little stuff slide it's true you break up over little stuff think you're going to meet someone new think it's going to be great no you know what you find more crap we've all got it I've got it my wife's got it she's got cats two of them loves them to death loves these cats I don't like cats never have she loves them now we're together so guess what yeah I love them too yeah well how long they going to live anyway right 10 years 15 years barring an accident or door left open you never know what can happen I can't help it I like dogs it's everything I want to be as men no pants on hey hey hey bring your girlfriend over what does your dog do head right in her crotch ah I Think I Love You cats are feminine they we don't understand them they're mysterious they're very secretive you've never seen a cat have sex nobody has the Discovery Channel hasn't caught that you hear it you hear it late at night you're trying to sleep a oh yeah who's your doggy oh good night everybody thank you very much thank you [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] wonderful [Music] all [Music] [Music] right

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 108,499

Keywords: stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedian, comedians, special, funny, funny clips, laugh, best comedy, best comedians, tom papa, married, single, drugs, alcohol, divorce, ladies, breakup, secrets, cat, dad, eye, big head, fat, obese, mafia, salami, pimple, baseball, inning, astronaut, helmet, kids, cool, spring break, mtv, bikini, shirt, Florida, Journey, beer, gay, new york, terrorism, subway, American, airplane, runway, mechanic, white, car, hotels, hair, toe nails, sperm, anniversary, angel, pictures, donkey, sex

Id: NhnMwAwURvg

Length: 21min 37sec (1297 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 08 2024