Angry Video Game Nerd - Season 12 (AVGN Full Season Twelve)

what is that smell what could all these years I thought as a skunk crawled in here and choked to death on [ __ ] but it's actually coming from this course it's coming from one of these magazines it's it's this one Nintendo power volume 74 huh of course the Virtual Boy it was so bad even the mere mention of it in print amidst the rancid odor of Buffalo barf wait no it's this warning use only in a well-ventilated area because this game stinks earthbound well that's a game nobody ever talked about so they're saying it stinks if so it'll be the first time Nintendo Power was honest as if life didn't stink enough already oh that's beautiful the first role-playing game with Bo scratch here if you dare let's try the pizza Oh God Wow that must mean the game is foul like real rotten and that means I gotta play it I know nothing about earthbound other than the fact it was the second part of the mother trilogy which was only released in Japan first was mother on Famicom than mother 2 on Super Famicom which became earthbound in the US then mother 3 for the Game Boy Advance and then mother based on the psychological horror film starring Jennifer Lawrence so earthbound must have been so bad we don't even get the other games well what do people have to say let's find out how bad was earthbound oh okay it's just one of the greatest RPGs of all time that's all when did this happen one of the top superintendence and of course when Nintendo rounded up all their most iconic characters for the Super Smash Brothers series they included nests from earthbound and that doesn't even sum up earthbounds legacy this game has a whole community it's warship if God had a favorite game it might be earthbound everybody and their grandma talks about it earthbound earthbound earthbound the mother series the mother series mother [ __ ] [ __ ] well guess I missed out on that one how was I supposed to know nobody gave a [ __ ] back then now I really need to play it but it's the one game I don't own let's see here oh you son of a [ __ ] oh you gotta be kidding me it's one of those okay well luckily it's been released on the Virtual Console for the Wii U a new 3ds and also the fun-sized Super Nintendo classic with several buildin games but this thing probably isn't that much easier to get I usually play the original cartridges but this time for the convenience I'll make an exception so the game centers around the young boy as I mentioned already his name is ness or whatever you want to name him since it's an RPG he's eventually joined by Paula Jeff and Pooh that's right Pooh your goal is simply to collect eight sacred melodies and save the world from gigas who is one of the most intangible villains I've ever come across since it's never really explained exactly what gigas is it's more like a vague evil force that hovers over the world unlike most fantasy RPGs it has a contemporary setting you'll see drug stores burger shops stop signs and vehicles that all resemble real life this is kind of a breath of fresh air as much as we love the far-out fantasy stuff it's cool to see something we can sort of relate to even the first enemies you fight are common animals at first I didn't find this battle system to be very appealing you can't see yourself you can only see the enemies compare this to Final Fantasy 3 Chrono Trigger or Super Mario RPG that's how I prefer my RPG battles I want some kind of visual representation of the hero characters if I wanted to read through the whole fight I'd get out of pen and paper and play some D&D or something also a common complaint I have with all RPGs is I really wish you could see the enemies hit points when I inflict damage on those numbers mean nothing to me is he almost dead should I be keeping track have a damn counter but after a while I got used to it because I had to right this is what you do more than half the game but then I started to really like it hearing that slashing sound when you make a successful strike on an enemy is so satisfying you can't mention the fight mechanics without talking about the rolling hit point counter which is a real cool idea when you take damage the numbers roll down where in most RPGs it would be subtracted immediately why does this matter well let's say if an enemy inflicts mortal damage on you you have a chance to heal that character before it hits zero this can get real tense because when you see those numbers going down you're hoping to get your turn and quick there's some other cool ideas here like the auto battle option so if you need to take a piss or do something else you could let the game play by itself there's also the sneak attacks if you approach an enemy from behind you get the first turn but if they approach you from behind they get the first turn the dialogue is never boring characters will often break the fourth wall making comments that allude to the fact they're inside a game this guy says it could only cost you your life and you got that for free or they'll say something that has nothing to do with the game like I want to tell you the story of the creature from the vegetable soup but I won't do that because I don't want to bother you with a story that has nothing to do with your adventure I want to know you don't just tell me about a creature from a vegetable soup and leave me hanging here in lots of RPGs the dialogue can be tedious but here because it's so funny it makes you want to talk to everybody the music is very diverse it can be jolly [Music] or creepy and of course it has the mandatory happy town music [Music] [Applause] [Music] how those towns always so peaceful yeah yeah yeah the moment I think best exemplifies the shifting tones in the music is when you're walking in the desert and through the winds and trippy ambience you start to hear a song come in as if being played on a distant radio there's no way to cover everything that happens in this game but just to give you a taste of how unpredictable it is let's just say you use a pencil eraser to erase a pencil Ness rides on a Nessie type creature on your snez you use zombie paper to catch zombies like flypaper so it makes perfect sense you follow a hooker into a hotel room where a bunch of monsters gang up on you you wake up in some weird room you telepathically communicate with Jeff in a snowy land where he fights giant cavemen at Stonehenge and goes into a lab where scientists builds a spaceship you fly around crash into a graveyard ending up in the same weird room you get a carrot key to use on shadowy bunnies to enter a cave there's a town where nobody talks unless you give them a book to overcome shyness there's a guy who turns himself into a dungeon you go inside him to get a submarine this is not normal you got to be insane to come up with this [Music] what what just happened to the game and we got to talk about these enemies what the hell is that thing you never know what you're gonna have to fight it might be a pile of puke or a UFO with a pink bow or a cup of coffee a car happy vinyl records gas pumps melting clocks a speed limit sign I'm fighting a sign and they chose such a moderate speed limit it could have been 9,000 miles per hour but they picked something ordinary even handsome Tom makes an appearance and now I'm fighting a tent dude I'm fighting a tent dude that's it this game is awesome you know I've talked a lot about wasting your time playing bad games but there's something equally sad about missing out on a good game I thought it was [ __ ] I thought it was [ __ ] I thought it was you know why did it flop some say it was because of those smelly ads but that couldn't have been the whole reason the 90s was all about gross-out humor that was the same decade that gave us Boogerman Nickelodeon's dak beavis and butthead earthworm jim Ren and Stimpy the 90s was the barf Age all the grunge bands that they sang like they were just getting over sickness Marilyn Manson he sang like he was perpetually vomiting so it doesn't make sense like I how did it tank so bad some say it was because the game was overpriced because it came with a player's guide inside of an oversized box as an oversize box so it's a good game maybe even a masterpiece that means I'm gonna let it off the hook there's no wrong with it it's perfect my ass you don't mean to piss on everybody's parade but I do have some gripes beginning with my most minor complaint all the money you earn from defeating enemies you have to withdraw from an ATM or cash machine whenever you die you lose half the money you're holding you might say it's an interesting game mechanic because it's like real life where you only want to take out as much as you need but it only causes you to keep making extra stops and is a constant inconvenience there's a part where you have to give somebody a diamond but you won't take it unless you walk around to the other side of the desk have you ever had to walk around a desk to give somebody something it doesn't help that walking around anything could get you stuck it's just trees look how tiny I am I can't fit past that tree this is almost as bad as Little Red Hood also you move pretty slow and with such a big world getting around can be a chore sometimes you want to outrun enemies but they're all the same speed as you or faster but oh hey I found a bike that solves that oh [ __ ] seriously as soon as more characters join your party you can't use the bike anymore it's a one-seater only well since Ness is solo for only a small part of the game that means the bike is pretty much worth jack [ __ ] thanks for the tease [ __ ] there's too many incidental items that only get used once like the piggy nodes which you use the sniff for magic truffles I can't think of any other area in the game where you need that so your inventory gets filled up quickly with all these items that you don't even know if you're gonna need again and yes what you see on screen that's all the inventory you can hold for each character you can use escargot Express which is a pickup delivery servers that can take the items off your hands and save them for you but every time you call these bastards over they only pick up three items out of I'm so it's more messing around than jumping through hoops just to keep what you want to keep when you buy items there is no option to pick quantity if you want to stock up on many of the same item you have to buy them one at a time [Music] [Music] [Music] would it be so much easier just to do this something as simple as buying items from the store is torture absolute [ __ ] torture then there's a secret entrance that you have to access by standing behind a waterfall you're supposed to stand still and wait this is very similar to the tornado in Simon's quest which I've referenced a thousand times but that's nothing you only have to wait about five seconds but you want to know how long you have to wait here three whole minutes I'm dead [ __ ] serious [Music] if you die you get the worst punishment ever all your friends remain dead and have to be revived to revive them you have to take them to a specific place usually a hospital along the way Ness will most likely be forced into fighting a bunch of enemies without the help of his friends which makes the whole process take even longer when you get to the hospital you have to pay a fee oh [ __ ] I need to go to the ATM to get some money so get the money go back to the hospital and now the friends are revived one at a time but their psi or magic is still not replenished so you either have to find a bunch of magic butterflies or go to a hotel and pay another fee for that but the craziest thing is many of the areas in the game don't have hospitals or hotels it might be a spring or a pool a geyser or some weird character with healing powers you never know so you do not want to die in this game because depending where you are it can take maybe 30 minutes to get everybody powered up again when a simple reset would have done nicely like every other [ __ ] game even something as simple as saving the game is a hassle you have to call your dad who records your progress that would be fine but the guy just won't stop your dear old dad was also thinking about hitting the hay for the night I have recorded a record of your adventure to this point good night sleep tight no I'm not done continue you like to work hard just like your mother but I don't think it's good to work too hard this happens every time every single [ __ ] time you want to know how you save a game that's how you save a game instead of having to wait through all this [ __ ] oh and sometimes your dad calls you out of the blue hello it's your dad you've been out there for a long time now it may be none of my business but don't you think it would be a good idea if you took a break don't you think it'd be a good idea to go [ __ ] yourself this game is all about interruptions again seemingly using Simon's quest as the model here earthquakes constantly stop you from moving and you know it's coming but there's nothing you can do Oh any second now go go go but the worst interruption of all [Music] [Applause] the photo guy he drops in to take your photo again and again and again for no real purpose except for the end credits what would he do he shows up all the time and I mean all the time [Music] leave me alone let me play the game often you may need to backtrack to areas in the game you've already been to and with such a big world and so many enemies in your way it could take forever to get from one place to the next so thankfully you get the power to teleport now you can instantly go anywhere you want or not there can't be anything in your way you need extra clearance perhaps just enough to reach 88 miles per hour this isn't back to the future what is this [ __ ] and if the roads are on an isometric angle forget about it you know how teleporting is supposed to work like this many areas in the game the space just doesn't exist how am I supposed to teleport here or here or here you have to take a long hike to get somewhere else which defeats the whole purpose of teleporting it's another useful ability gone down the [ __ ] by the end of the game you get an upgrade now the teleport goes in a circle which is significantly better but still you can slam into things even when there seems to be plenty of space ass I throw the game out the window but it's on the Super Nintendo classic so that would mean thrown out Street Fighter 2 Donkey Kong Country f-zero Castlevania 4 and after all I'm willing to excuse most of this [ __ ] because the game charmed me so much with its unique style I still maintain it's an awesome game but those are some serious strikes against it no matter how frustrating it gets I can't stop playing it because I want to see what happens next you never know what this game is gonna throw at you all of a sudden you're fighting a bunch of police officers police officers are trying to beat up a child then you're fighting a bunch of Klansmen who worship the color blue holy [ __ ] I'm so overwhelmed trying to explain everything that happens here the question is what doesn't happen each area invents its own set of rules in the neon town of Moon side you can't walk around much you're always trapped inside invisible barriers so you have to talk to certain warped people who look just like everyone else and they warp you to the next place also in this town yes is no and no is yes so you have to answer everything opposite pay for the doctors fee yes no yes no good you say yes or no there's a part where you have to navigate through a series of caves by trading items with monkeys this is where your inventory skills of what to keep and what not to are put to the ultimate test if you want to see how complicated this part is just look at the player's guide and it's just so you can get a yogurt dispenser to give to a secretary to grant you access to a certain floor in a building to fight robots rescue Paul and escape in a helicopter or not it's like The Wizard of Oz with the hot-air balloon come back [ __ ] you eat a magic cake which changes everything into a completely different game this is where you play as pool for the first time you have to go to the top of a hill known as the place of emptiness to meditate this is another instance where you're supposed to stand still and do nothing then a voice calls out and says to stop your meditation immediately okay so I go back to my master and he says to try again what so I go back up the hill again this time I ignore the voice because you can't even trust what the game tells you [Applause] okay to complete your trial I am going to break your legs you will lose the use of them do you accept this I supposed to say yes oh good I shall then take your arms and feed them to the crows oh sure why not I'm almost dead anyway taken my arms taken my legs taken my soul let me - yeah without legs and arms you can only lie there now I'll cut your ears off well my HP is zero so what get out ah the legs no arms and no sound do you care if I take your eyes do you want to live in eternal darkness I shall steal your sight do you accept this you [Music] that was weird man progressing toward the end of the game you fight Diamond dog the first legitimately hard boss battle because it reflects almost anything you throw at him but if you make it through you touch the fire spring which transports you to some dream where you visit your childhood home as a ghost and see yourself as a baby who exhibits some signs of telekinesis I think if it all isn't cerebral enough next thing your mind creates a realm called magic ant which is made up of neces memories such as the flowers from pee-wee's Playhouse introducing the king of cartoons they say this land will cease to exist when he wakes up but in the meantime he's reunited with past characters both friends and enemies I still feel pain where you wounded me well that makes you feel sad this really is one of the most fascinating dream stages I've ever played in a game there's so many interesting lines of dialogue that just makes me stop in my tracks like this snowman from NASA's trial hood we had fun one snowy day I melted but I'm still real in your memory and when ness meets his younger self this might be the most brilliant quote in the whole game it's me I'm you when you were younger hey let's play ball do you prefer reading comics or playing games what you're busy pure gold then you're joined by flying warriors who represent your courage when they die they populate a graveyard how cool is that you also find the grave of buzz-buzz a bee from earlier in the game lots of people have theories on who buzz buzz really is but I think buzz buzz is a collective entity that represents all the other earthbound players out there who have shared this experience with you from a distance near the beginning of the game buzz buzz says he's from the future which is when the game finally got popular as if it predicted its own legacy and I like to think the tomb belongs to a player who gave up on this spot in the game which is why you must go on then you go deeper into your subconscious ah dad come on you go deeper in your subconscious to a place where you touch the truth of the universe and then fight your evil self in the form of a gold statue this game is nuts it's really nuts and once the statues beaten Ness absorbs the power of the land into his heart and all of his memories flash before him [Music] [Applause] [Music] co-championship echoes typical stepping on stepping on septic on [Applause] [Music] did where did you learn a nerd I'm your younger self want to play some et [ __ ] no oh well why so angry stop playing these games they'll ruin your life but games are fun what happened to you I was fun too used to watch me over and over I destroyed you i slashed you with the sword and smashed you with the hammer that's true and it's still painful but I still exist in your memory [Music] i'm famiiy I'm be me I be me want some [ __ ] oh that's right nerd don't take [ __ ] from nobody only give shits and while you're at it get some clothes that fit yes it's a little on the baggy side hey I don't need any advice from you or the [ __ ] talking [ __ ] I'm not just any [ __ ] I'm the [ __ ] you dropped on the atari jaguar where's the jaguar you didn't want it all there is now is [ __ ] everything now is all [ __ ] that's how you made it but i don't want it to be [ __ ] not anymore i've been through so much i recorded so many memories and experiences but the [ __ ] is still spreading it lives on and on to defeat it you must go back to the source of the anger the beginning you can't go back to your childhood not physically anyway you can only go back in spirit and even then you'll be isolated inside your own world you'd be powerless to win without help from the outside yeah nerd do what the [ __ ] said beat Earthbound keep on truckin you [ __ ] the final stretch of earthbound is one of the craziest things you'll ever experience in a videogame you're now ready to confront gigas but a scientist explains that gigas is actually attacking from the past so the only way to fight him is to get in a time machine called the phase distorter to take yourself back to the past but the time machine can only transport inanimate objects any living beings are demolished in the process so first you have to transplant your souls into robots yeah essentially you can only go back in spirit so when you're successfully sent back the place known as the cliff that time forgot becomes the cave of the past then you have to fight a whole bunch of enemies in your new robot bodies every few steps you take you get stuck in another battle the star men are some of the toughest enemies in the game they just pulverize you so you need to put up magic shields if only you get the chance and if there's one of those enemies that explodes and causes mortal damage to everyone you better make sure to kill them last this whole thing is an endurance and if you don't have enough items to heal or revive party members or replenish psi magic you could be fatally screwed as far as I know there's no way back anymore you can't teleport to find a store to stock up on items whatever you have now that's all you get if you die the items don't come back if you run out of items I really don't know what you would do here and I don't want to experiment by hitting reset or anything like that when you make it this far this is when all the classic symptoms of gaming fever occur your hands sweat all over the controller your face gets hot you might even stand up like I do you get so hyped you think you might end up in a hospital and if you want to experience this amazing finale for yourself consider this a spoiler alert up until now the game has been cute and adorable but now it's about to hit you with a precision mind [ __ ] you walk through a weird passage that looks like intestines or something you step up to the devil's machine which contains gigas a portal opens revealing neces face whatever that means and to make things even more confusing Nessa's neighbor pokey appears as a secondary villain he's a recurring character who's always had a rivalry with ness it's not very clear how he ended up here but what interests me is that you're fighting your own face but anyway now with that metal music going on you know you're in for some serious [ __ ] come on if you win pokey turns off the devils machine releasing gigas and then this happens [Music] holy mother of [ __ ] I'm glad I didn't play this as a kid I'd be traumatized I can't believe this was rated K to a when you finally see gigas you still don't know exactly what he is he's just a vague swirling red face even when he attacks it says you cannot grasp the true form of diagnosis attack it's as if gigas isn't really a thing but more of an idea in fact you can't even be harmed by physical attacks you have to use Paulo's ability to pray for help then you see all the supporting characters from all over the game praying for your safety the idea of praying goes along with the idea that gigas is the vague embodiment of evil or the devil itself which makes this whole battle feel like an exorcism after each prayer gigas changes shape as the visuals start to look even more like you're in hell and what's that oh I am so freaked out I don't even know what to say intentional or not there is the distinct shape of a baby more specifically a fetus as seen through an ultrasound whoa now look what it's doing it's like an ultrasound machine got possessed if you've seen gremlins too you remember the electric gremlin that goes inside the electrical equipment it's a little bit like that except if it was the devil and if I wasn't already impressed by the technical capability on the Super Nintendo this is something I've never seen it do think about it you're fighting the background it's a surreal immersive experience that feels like you're actually fighting the console itself and that it's been possessed and you want to see something really wild you know those magic eye images where you stare at a pattern and let your vision go blurry or whatever until you see a 3d image pop out you can actually do that here I don't recommend it if you're not comfortable there's several ways to do it and everybody's different the technique that works best for me is I cross my eyes until the double images converge creating a false focus and that gives you this crazy three-dimensional depth so if you want to freak yourself out even more there you go but I warned you many fans have given theories as to what the baby means just like analyzing the baby at the end of 2001 a Space Odyssey it's worth noting that there was a theory spreading around saying that gigas himself is a fetus and that the reason you traveled back in time was to destroy him before he was born now let me stay this is not my own theory but it's interesting an abortion basically to prevent the birth of an evil villain such a morally complex idea and they say the entrance the gigas layer represents a woman spread legs which means the cave in the middle is well use your imagine it's a vagina when you go inside you're traveling toward the uterus yeah again keep in mind this is just an old fan theory many fans have debated against it or pointed out other plot elements in the mother series that contradict it and the game designer sugar Sato etoy denied the theory but I still think one of the artists might have put the baby in there because it's the shape of a baby that's the only thing that's clear as far as the rest of the theory goes if he toy denied it then it's not true it's just based on a movie scene where a woman gets strangled and hacked to pieces that's all ito recalls being at the movie theater as a child and walking into the wrong film it was called the military policeman and the dismembered beauty from 1957 there's a scene where a man strangles a woman then carries her to an operating room where he cuts her up to hide the body if you try to compare the film with earthbound you're not gonna see any similarities there's no lines of dialogue that carried over even if they were somehow inspired by it even a toy remembers the movie differently than how it actually is but nevertheless it shocked him and left a permanent impression so when he was creating this final boss battle he was remembering that feeling of childhood trauma gigas is just a symbol of all your childhood terrorists Oh a toy said gigas is something you can't make sense of and it gets the players minds working this means you can interpret it any way you want just like any Stanley Kubrick film that's what makes the game so great is that we're all able to share our own different ideas so what I'm about to say is just a personal hunch nothing more what I like to believe is that gigas is an eternal being who's reincarnated as ness whatever alien life form he existed as in the first mother game was just another body for him to inhabit there's no better way to explain it than in the lyrics of one of my favorite Black Sabbath songs a national acrobat which itself is open to interpretation but it goes hand in hand so well I believe gigas is the same traveling entity that is speaking from those lyrics so I like to think Ness was the reincarnation of gigas all along and he's had powers that he can't even understand those powers are what influenced animals and people to become violent so when he fights them he's fighting against his own evil side after all so much of the game seems to exist inside his own imagination it begins with ness waking from bed having heard a strange noise than taking a bat and ordinary household items an innocent imaginative child arming himself in the only way he knows how the sacred melodies that he records each remind him of something from his youth connecting him closer and closer to his childhood only after he obtains these memories he creates magic --nt where he's able to examine all his life experiences putting everything into context and coming to terms with the events from his past only then can he go back to the source of the evil the beginning you go back to the very moment in the womb when guy guess was reincarnating into nests yes this kind of plays along with the much contested foetus theory except the fetus is nests and gigas is trying to take over so what you're doing is driving guy gets out or performing a sort of exorcism if you will even if this is not at all the idea that was intended I find it more interesting in my opinion a double image of a demon and a baby who will take control good or evil now I'm starting to sound like a movie trailer and if I haven't already lost my mind get this the final battle takes place in a separate dimension which exists as a metaphysical bus to transport gigas from one life to the next so when Ness and his friends leave their bodies behind they become travelling entities themselves that's the only way they could exist in the same dimension as guy gets in order to fight him but they still can't defeat him on their own while trapped inside that world they're powerless to win without help from the outside and that's where the prayers come in so everybody please help help me beat this game [Music] [Applause] yeah [Music] I am blown away that was one of the craziest games I've ever played sure it has flaws but I think it does belong on the list of mandatory Super Nintendo games I think the worlds they created here has potential far beyond the games just look at how much imagination they put into the players guide there should be an earthbound animated TV series that could be amazing well let's hope more things happen with the mother series and if not the fans will still keep it alive [Music] it's gonna take you back to the past play the shitty games that suck ass he'd rather add a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear he'd rather eat the rotten [ __ ] tilt up and down with beer Reyes gave her you the angry nintendo nerd he's the angry atari sega nerd busy andrew [Music] before there was Rambo and the Terminator there was Dirty Harry which made Clint Eastwood into one of the original badass action stars from the modern era now of course because the movie was rated R it got made into an NES game and while the movie was Dirty Harry the game was straight-up filthy now there existed five Dirty Harry movies so the game doesn't follow any specific one of the story lines it kind of invents its own the title screen opens with the classic line from sudden impact or make my day and that does make my day because it sounds pretty good too bad everything after that goes downhill it's like cutting the brake lines on a dump truck and then it crashes into a sewage treatment plant but the dump truck was actually full of [ __ ] to begin with oh just listen to that music sounds like someone was beat to death with a synthesizer it's a symphony of electronic farts when you press Start you'll be given the option of starting from the beginning or entering a password specifically for level 2 or 3 there's only three levels well that's good how bad could this be stupid question start the game and you're immediately ganged up on by two [ __ ] while another [ __ ] reigns multiples down on you though I do like the little pose Harry does when he gets hit that's great looks like something Elvis would do huh when you beat them up two more guys come out geez is there any City with this much crime the whole city is trying to murder a police officer in broad daylight I can't even get past the first screen without losing a life oh maybe because you have to hit a and B together to jump because why make the controls easy to use I mean if you're gonna have diarrhea you might as well splatter the toilet seat while you're at it I walk in these buildings and there's snakes all over just slithering it up oh jeez Alice Cooper left his damn snakes all over the place why there's snakes in the apartments anyway I mean sure the main villain in the game is named anaconda but why do they have to take it so literal it's not like scorpion from Mortal Kombat actually throws scorpions at people come on I'm a cop not animal control there's also rooms with laser floors and this big bastard if you get close he punches you straight across the room and bullets bounce right off them so tons of snakes psychotic citizens and a giant bulletproof enemy like what the [ __ ] is wrong with this place all right well I don't know what I'm doing so let's check the manual okay you can kick by pressing up and B which also opens the crates that makes sense I guess you can also use crowbars to break into closed apartments but be careful because they can only be used once who ever heard of disposable crowbars or they actually made a Crow's and by the way the health power-ups are chili dogs who's he think he is Sonic the Hedgehog you can also jump on the small boxes on the floor to find ammo money bombs and bags of cocaine dude it's an NES game where you're collecting bags of cocaine so it happened to narc but that whole game was like an anti-drug statement here you're just collecting cocaine finally after stopping and kicking everything in sight you pick up a flashlight which allows you to see in the sewers later in the game I also ran into this guy who doesn't do anything he just flips a coin I tried shooting him I tried kicking I tried punching him but guess what you have to jump right on him and then you get his clothes what you never jumped on a complete stranger and instantly switched clothes with them so now Dirty Harry turns into John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever oh and on the back of the game they had the screenshots for both the Travolta and Elvis poses because they knew it was awesome oh and the giant guy I guess you can walk past them now because you're wearing a disguise then there's this lady who gives you some extra lives that's great naw but there's no reason to come in here other than that why go through all that if it's not gonna progress the story and who cares about the extra lives because soon I die anyway this game is yet another one of those where the [ __ ] do I go kind of games I ran around for 20 minutes like a chicken with its head cut off and barely accomplished anything well luckily there's an infinite lives code yeah it's cheap but [ __ ] it so the password to get infinite lives is Clyde Clyde is the orangutan from another Clint Eastwood film every which way but loose so I guess the developers were big Clint Eastwood fans but a better way to honor him would have been to make a game that doesn't suck ass so anyway the infinite live should make the game easier but it doesn't look at how agile Harry is I mean he could be in the Olympics he jumps 10 foot gaps from ladders and hops along rooftops imagine Clint Eastwood moving like that in real life after smashing everyone's apartment again and park whoring through most of San Francisco I hit the first sewer section it's filled with rats roaches and remote-control cars a little reference to the fifth film the Deadpool the sewer has a real electrical problem too because there's open wires that will fry Harry if he touches them you run around like a rat in a maze hitting switches and looking for a way out it's tedious as hell and takes forever but then again all Harwell games need to have sewers because that's where they belong ok we're finally here we get to fight the boss the boss is easy just keep shooting and dodging his shots until he dies wait that's not it there's still more ah so that was only a mini boss I've been on this level for almost half an hour and it's still going you could beat other games in that time so you shimmy across electric wires go into an alley and boom another boss fight he's also easy just get to the roof and shoot him and yeah of course there's still more go into the building find the gas mask which lets you go into the poisons gas rooms so let's check out what's in here huh nothing good what how do I get out I'm stuck there's no way out oh you got to be [ __ ] me this right here is one of the most notorious [ __ ] yous I've ever seen the dreaded hahaha room it's literally a dead end the only option you have is to reset the game okay get the flashlight jump through the alleys get through the [ __ ] stench sewers fight the bomb guy fight the gun guy get the gas mask avoid the haha room and finally make it to the final sewer and this one's red for some reason guess like it's taking you to hell alright so I get to this door and for whatever reason I can't open it did the game glitch oh and I can't go back because this other room is filled with water and also I can't jump to the platform from the pipe this game does not want me to beat it and just to remind you this whole thing is only the first level I am not playing level 1 again so let's check out some passwords misty gets you to level 2 and bird gets you a level 3 so apparently they're both obscure Clint Eastwood references misty is a reference to the film play misty for me and bird is a biopic that Eastwood directed about a jazz saxophone well is this Dirty Harry the game or is it Clint Eastwood the game so anyway level 2 starts and it's just a normal linear stage no rooms no alleys no dead ends why wasn't the first stage like this it's not great but it's at least a normal side-scrolling level this part here is actually kind of cool you kick a barrel into the water and shoot it to kill a guy that's pretty neat but of course there's this whole platform jumping portion because why not push these broken controls to the absolute test once again I'm stuck I can't figure out how to get across I think I have to jump on the box but [ __ ] it my patience is dead from level 1 so let's try level 3 bird so Harry takes a boat which I assume happened in the second level according to the manual the last levels on Alcatraz which is a reference to the third movie the enforcer it's another linear level but this time they brought out the big guns literally everyone shooting at you and it's damn near impossible how was anyone supposed to play this this game was made in 1994 kids why make a twenty-year-old r-rated movie into a video game why make a dead end room why reference a bunch of other Clint Eastwood movies as passwords not to mention there's a fourth password Gunny it's Eastwood's character from Heartbreak Ridge and guess what it does nothing supposedly the password exists however it wasn't programmed to activate any part of the game such a missed opportunity not just the Gunny password the whole [ __ ] game imagine what this game could have been a level like Hogan's Alley where you shoot bad guys a car chase level through the hilly streets of San Francisco even a motorcycle level like from the movie Magnum force hell there's even an unused motorcycle sprite in the game code so then you reach Mount shitty caca which is basically just a mountain of pixelated piss and [ __ ] what am I supposed to do here I don't know what I'm jumping on I don't know what's going on I've made it as far as I can go I'm sorry but a man's got to know his limitations I'm [ __ ] out of patience and this game is [ __ ] out of luck [Music] [Music] I know what you're thinking did he fire six shots or only five well I'll tell you the truth in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself but being this is a Konami justifier the most powerful light gun in the world it would blow your label clean off you got to ask yourself one question do I feel lucky well do ya punkk [Music] [Applause] oh hey I've just been meditating to summon the power the chosen one to give me the patience and the courage to play today's game this is one that I've gotten tons of requests for and I've been dreading the day when this game is old enough for me to review Drake of the 99 Dragons this game is what you get if somebody ate every badass dual pistol wielding trench coat wearing late 90s action movie cliche then barked it out ate the barf and then dumped their ass into a piss and [ __ ] stained bus station toilet and then they took that rancid concoctions and somehow printed Xbox discs made out of it 99 dragons made out of 99% [ __ ] this game was supposed to spawn a comic book series in a TV show kind of like cheetamen but it was so shitty it faded into obscurity the first thing you see after the game boots up is the Majesco logo at least I think that's what it is because it's blurry as [ __ ] seriously did they do that on purpose maybe they wanted to blur the logo so nobody would know they had anything to do with this miserable manifestation of demons semen and Reese's feces it's a shame because the artwork is actually kind of cool it has a Saturday morning animation or indie comic vibe to it then you see the cutscenes which look atrocious this is two years into the Xbox's life and this was the best they could do but oh boy hey let me tell you I haven't even started playing yet so let's pick up the duke here this big-ass tank [ __ ] controller and let's get started cuz it's gonna get [ __ ] the slightest movement of the control pad makes his arms flailing over the place why would they do that I understand the game was developed under a very short time but somebody had to pop this in at least once and say this controls like ass so after jumping around shooting at nothing for a minute you finally kill the first bad guy and get another awkward cutscene this is where the voice acting gets real good since I did a soul what was that intruders in the penthouse of the 99 Dragon's clan you must be out of this world to get past our guards the hell does that mean so then Drake runs in and does absolutely nothing while some ninja ghosts Grim Reaper guys steal some kryptonite and then more awful voice acting this can't be tangs doing alone he must have aid from beyond this world the artifact it can't be gone oh and the lips barely move so I can never tell if they're actually talking or some kind of inner monologue so anyway now we're onto the first actual level of the game chase down the ghost assassin you run around smashing the trigger buttons as fast as you can while Drake swings his arms around and hopefully hits the targets a little tip here never switch weapons like here I picked up some machine guns so of course I'm gonna switch to them but look they don't hit anything and I die and I'm only fighting two guys I emptied a total of four machine guns and hit nothing what the [ __ ] and the game's not hard it's actually really easy but it's so broken and glitchy and weird and you're swinging your arms around like like crazy and then then and then you're clicking the buttons like this let's listen you like hearing that so all this with the bad controls everything all combined is a five-star recipe for your declining sanity so after you restart you begin to adjust to the [ __ ] controls and vomit-inducing camera angles but make sure you have a barf bag on hand for this game excuse me after the bad guy goes through the window you find out that somehow even though you were running all around the [ __ ] building you died in the same room you started oh and your master is also dead oh so now to add to the cliche list you're an undead chosen one who has to avenge his master's death never heard that one before being undead also gives you the ability to run off walls which takes the game's controls from shitty to crusty ass crack barnacles shitty look at that the game doesn't know what to do with itself so you run around collecting 30 balls and then Drake hopped up on roid rage throws himself out a window and dies this is where the game's most frustrating feature comes into play the serene garden here you meet four [ __ ] statues who insult you and then send you back to the normal world to get your revenge but the thing about this place that really sucks [ __ ] soda through a straw is that everytime you die first you get a loading screen and then you go back here for 10 seconds listen to one of the statues talk [ __ ] about you it's no cure for stupidity beyond death yeah well [ __ ] you - you [ __ ] statues and then go back to the cut scene before the level so now I'm chasing the artifact again but the ghost hands it to some guy and you chase them all over the place you need to shoot him and then follow the blood trail through the streets of whatever generic Asian city you're in watch out for the fire truck bus things that keep trying to hit you and also this is where I ran into my first actual glitch so while I was chasing this dude he got hung up on some wall and then he just ran into a pit of acid good job Majesco this level simply put is annoying the sounds of the cars are loud and you can still hear them inside the buildings and why is that truck going backwards in the middle of the road it's in the middle of the road going backwards after you finished the level you run into a fireworks factory where you shoot another hundred things while [ __ ] flies everywhere in this level are the slowest platforms ever made well come on I could build a sculpture of a horse taking a [ __ ] out of horse [ __ ] in the time it takes to get up there once you finally get up there you just fight your way into this room where you kill everyone and just die in an explosion yeah whatever all right next level this level is just a [ __ ] from the beginning shits fly at you everywhere you're constantly running and jumping off walls and getting stuck in walls look at this I didn't mean to run in here and now I'm stuck the door won't open and now I have to run the clock out until I die and restart the level I could just load another game but I [ __ ] up and I haven't been saving this whole time so now I got to sit in this room for over eight minutes kill me the end of this level has a boss fight and man let me tell you about the boss fights in this game for a while I had no idea what to do because when you shoot the boss there's no indication you're even hitting him I thought maybe there's some trick or something but then after hammering the triggers over and over again until my fingers are numb the mission just ends the next level is just a fetch quest collect key cards to open doors and find the exit it's annoying it's boring and every time you use the card a message pops up to tell you that you use the card and stays on the screen for what feels like an hour you gotta love this dance floor area with that jamming three-second loop can you imagine going to a nightclub and the only song playing is a three-second loop of auditory anal grease [Music] one thing I forgot to mention because I couldn't figure out how to do it until now is Drake has the ability to freeze time but it freezes and slows you down too so you end up taking hits either way by this point the game ramps up the difficulty in frustration to the highest possible level enemies teleport out of nowhere and this is the very beginning of the stage the game fills each room with as many enemies as [ __ ] possible and now they're even more powerful this is the very beginning of the level and undead the worst part is that the level also begins to focus more on platform jumping this is where the problems in the game really mount up and it just builds inside you with all this rage and you become just boiling so [ __ ] hot it's not like you're in hell you've become hell bad people die and they go into you this level is based on riding elevators and making jumps but Drake does whatever the [ __ ] he feels like also if you fall from to high you die I almost cried trying to beat this elevator level and I'm not ashamed to admit that because if this game doesn't bring you to the verge of spilling rage-filled tears of anger then you can't be human this level has you flying through the air on fans trying to reach the right door sometimes the fans work and sometimes you go right through it and sometimes the fans so powerful it shoots you up to the ceiling and kills you it's one of those sometimes sometimes games sometimes you'll struggle not to tear out your eyelashes and sometimes you'll throw the Xbox out the [ __ ] window another thing I don't get is every time you start the level the camera faces towards Drake so you start off going in the wrong direction it's not a huge deal but it's annoying especially when you fight this robot boss I mean look at this the level hasn't even started and I get hit losing almost 20 health how is that fair I mean shits flying all over the place I don't even know what's hitting me and before I know it I'm dead what the [ __ ] I froze time before I died and it's still frozen so you defeat the boss you rescue your master and now you got to go down into the subway and what the [ __ ] did I got kids [ __ ] Stannis I would cheat but they'd even program cheat codes but how could they they can't even program a [ __ ] game whether you have the patience or just [ __ ] hate yourself it is possible to make it to the end the game may be unplayable but it isn't impossible when you get there get ready for the culmination of all the [ __ ] you've experienced so far in concentrated anal suppository form the final levels are all the same with some minor differences each level begins with a stroll down Satan's [ __ ] chute and ends with the most frustrating platforming so far at the end you fight a boss but here's the thing at the beginning of the level it says you can only damage the ghost when using the slow or freeze motion abilities well I'm gonna tell you right now that's a complete [ __ ] lie it's probably why you fight them on a giant mound of [ __ ] - I wonder if the ghost ass is actually the [ __ ] man in disguise so anyway don't listen to what the game says just shoot the [ __ ] out of him until the game decides it's had enough and ends the level after you kill them you have to grab the artifact and equip it to fly around but go too slow and you get to dead if you manage to do it right you fly around like a [ __ ] idiot grabbing glue balls on the void of hell it's hard to die here and it's pretty pointless but whatever alright this is it the final boss almost free from this hellhole it's time to slay the spirit Lord supreme this boss is a metric ton of [ __ ] convert that you got two thousand two hundred five pounds of pure [ __ ] [ __ ] piss Ness but I'm here we've come this far and it's time to end this I don't know if it's a glitch but when you don't face the boss he won't hit you as much shoot the bones until that weird techno music kicks in and unleash all the fury of the undying dragon on the spirit Lord supreme and you know what I know I said not to use the machine guns but here let's do it I love this plan see you on the other side [Music] the returns with the artifact I've done it I fulfilled the prophecy I've avenged my master I am the one whoa [Music] someone with the undying dragon nerd dance the power will be yours [Music] I have a confession I totally missed out on the Tomb Raider craze full disclosure I saved all my money for a Nintendo 64 so I missed out on all the PlayStation games that everybody talks about like Metal Gear Solid Symphony of the Night Final Fantasy 7 and yes Tomb Raider in the mid 90s and early 2000s Tomb Raider was one of the biggest game franchises every year we got a new Tomb Raider game I can see why people liked it it revolutionized 3d platforming the same way Super Mario 64 did the puzzles were fun the settings were cool the music was atmospheric and the action was top-notch for the time seemed like the only thing bigger than the games was its star Lara Croft Lara Croft was basically Indiana Jones for the 90s you thought Indy was badass Laura goes from fighting wolves and dinosaurs to mummies and eventually skinless Atlantean demons straight from a Clive Barker movie oh and bats she also fights bats can't forget those Lara Croft's popularity took the world by storm she was the first female game protagonist to get this kind of attention her fame transcended the games and she ended up being on the cover of magazines and even the spokesperson for products I'm not kidding she was in car commercials soda commercials and an ad for visa seems like the world was obsessed with Lara Croft even in the early episodes when I always had that Zelda poster on the other side Laura was here all along I'm not sure why everyone was into Laura Croft but I can guess a couple of reasons these days she still appears in games and even had a few movies based off her her fame might not be as big as it was back then but it's clear she will still be kicking ass in video games for a long time but they can't all be hits and that's why I'm gonna go on a journey to find the worst Tomb Raider games ever made now you got a pack because when you're dealing with shitty games you got to really be prepared for these because these games who knows how bad they're gonna be I mean we might find some vile [ __ ] crap here so you gotta bring all the necessities here [Music] [Music] so here's Tomb Raider Chronicles the fifth in the series but the first to fail critically and financially the game opens with Loras funeral yeah that's right the last game ended with her dying the developers were tired of doing Tomb Raider and hoped the fourth game would be the end well maybe if I killed off my character I wouldn't have to review any more shitty games I just kidding not yet the game centers around a group of her friends sharing stories of her adventures after that we get a loading screen where I noticed something interesting there's a credit for timings yeah time acts the watch company where they make this game on a ZX Spectrum oh here's why it's an ad for a grip clip watch Laura uses it in the game to keep track of her time and progress so right away this game just sells out with the product placement it's like people only do things because they get paid and that's just really sad the first story is about Laura trying to find the Philosopher's Stone in Rome it starts off with a quick reminder of the basic controls and introduces new mechanics like parallel bar swinging and tightrope walking other than that it's the same old thing everything looks and feels like the previous games right down to Lara's outfit although her shorts are see-through now for some reason you go around find keys flip switches and kill some gargoyles and a crazy squid thing that shoots lasers you even get to fight a couple statues that look like tail offs from Jason the Argonauts it gets kind of confusing when gladiators show up are these gladiators left over from the Roman Empire had they just been hanging out down here for thousands of years or are they just employees at the Colosseum dressed as gladiators I hope not because you shoot the hell out of them damn hate to see Laura at a Renaissance Faire Chronicles is just a soulless rehash of the other games in a shameless advertisement for a watch no one remembers I don't know what else to say about it so I'll just quote one of the developers of the game Tomb Raider v was effectively a load of old [ __ ] that was the most depressing one for us we were effectively just doing that for a paycheck because no other team wanted to take it on so we had to do it basically by that time it had taken its toll three years of hammering it and we were burnout that shows in the product oh my god this might be the first time someone who made the game reviewed it for me so here it is the holy grail of shitty Tomb Raider games Angel of Darkness it was so bad it killed the studio making it and nearly killed the whole franchise this was the first Tomb Raider game on the ps2 it was gonna assure lara croft into a new age with a bigger better adventure there would be larger environments and more stuff to do it would be a whole new game or a would have been if the development wasn't such a disaster the problems start right at the beginning the opening cutscene introduces laura in a dark office where her associate gets killed by someone off-screen this is how you open your fun action-adventure game by ripping off clue compare this to the first game which opens in an exotic location and has Laura murdering [ __ ] wolves but then angel darkness starts off with a tutorial and you better not [ __ ] up because if you die without saving you start at the beginning and I don't mean the beginning of the level I mean the beginning of the whole game no checkpoints nothing so get used to saving save after every puzzle save after every enemy and save after every jump huh and the jumping you would think since this is ps2 the controls would be better than ps1 but you'd be wrong they're extremely clunky and that's the reason why you die so much you know it would have been nice a training section where I could practice these new controls without affecting the main game you know like the cross manor section in the old games oh and this is one of those ps2 games where you have to use an older TV because if it's on HGTV it's so dark you can't see anything unless you turn the brightness all the way up black out your windows and then shoot a rocket into the Sun covering the whole solar system in darkness and then maybe you'll be able to see something I'm not kidding this one jump took me 20 to 30 minutes because I couldn't see there was a Ledge to grab on to I had to turn the brightness all the way up yeah it's no wonder why they called this Angel of Darkness you also notice some of this footage looks like it's in slow motion I thought maybe it was some bullet time or Max Payne [ __ ] but no the game will randomly slow down one part was entirely slow-mo unless I was jumping but even when it's running at the right speed Laura still feels too slow in fact this entire game makes Laura weaker and the reason for that was because originally it was supposed to have a progression system where you level up so as the game goes on you gain more abilities but unfortunately that got cut now you have to reach a certain point in the game and get a new ability climbing this wall will make you be able to climb longer moving this box will give you the ability to move two boxes kicking a huge metal drawbridge will give you the ability to open a small door that doesn't even make any sense the creators spend so much time figuring out how to make Lara's boobs jiggle they forgot to make her fun to play by the way the camera in this game sucks it constantly [ __ ] you up and makes jumping difficult at one point the camera goes into Laura's head and it's one of the most horrifying images I've seen in the words of one of the people who made the game the camera was just a complete Pig yeah that's one way to put it one of the new things this game intended to introduce was stealth I'm not sure why though there's no penalty for not being stealthy I could probably sneak up on some people or I can just easily kill them why introduce stealth if it was going to be optional I guess one of the new things introduced that kind of works is the dialogue trees at least with this first one your decision affects the game now we finally get to the Paris level which was meant to be this big open world with many things interact with but unfortunately it just turned into a big empty wasteland whatever was meant to be in the Paris level must have been big because you can't go five feet without the game loading the next area you turn into an alley load you walk up a staircase load you walk from one end of the street to another load load load load too many [ __ ] loads there's a store you can go in when asking people how to get into a nightclub you have one conversation and never go back to this place again this was supposed to be a place that you'd come back to later in the game but everything was removed except this one scene then there's the boxing match it doesn't matter who you picked because the winner is totally random sometimes the game glitches and they don't fight at all just keep reloading until the person you picked wins and what do you get out of this I bet all the cash in my pocket against your fancy gold watch but I can pick the best fighter a watch that you can sell this I don't need this lousy stinkin Timex watch so here's a weird thing I found there's this guy in the park you walk up to him and he just says the same thing over and over leave me alone I'm busy leave me alone I'm busy busy is he doing what staring at a wall a guy standing in the park all by himself saying he's busy he looks like the least busy person in the world that's all he says turns out he's one of two people who helped you get into the club I talked to someone else first so that triggers this guy to just say the same thing over and over I'm busy eventually I got into the nightclub where I noticed two more glitches while climbing the light fixtures I randomly just started climbing onto thin air yeah this kind of floating happens a couple times I once even got stuck in the air split in two and started phasing in and out of reality the next glitch is more common if you think you're about to die it's faster to just pause and restart from your last save but if you pause in the middle of Lars death scream you'll get this on your ears it's like you're gonna be hearing that in your nightmares hey have you noticed anything in these levels I'm raiding apartments churches nightclubs shouldn't I be raiding tombs I haven't seen a single tomb yet I made it to a graveyard but all they had were crypts instead I have to go to the Louvre and kill some security guards I'm not even sure if they're bad guys but the game doesn't penalize me for killing them maybe Lara is just a violent murderer eventually you go underground and actually find a tomb Wow how it's broken up into four parts earth wind water and fire this is the only part in the game so far that actually feels like Tomb Raider and they still [ __ ] it up the water level has these spikes that come out of nowhere after making a careful jump in the fire level a rock will shoot you into the air or you'll just die for no reason in the wind level I went to jump on a log and instead fell through it [ __ ] Tomb Raider games are known for secret areas and I found one here but it's not because I found a clue or scaled some wall or something no it's because the game glitched next to go back to the Louvre which is full of toxic gas Laura needs to run to a cabinet and grab a gas mask but the people she's killing along the way have gas masks why can't I just take theirs why are they over complicating this [Music] [Music] who the [ __ ] is this guy why are they giving him so much attention and why does he have to glaive from Kroll why am i playing as him here they could even get lara croft right why should I be excited about playing as this [ __ ] believe it or not his controls are clunky er than Laura's and he's even less fun to play everything about him is lame his hair his soul patch and his dumbass mind powers let him see stuff around corners or in other rooms I need to finish it I need to finish the game jr. let it go but I'm so close I'm so close I can finish it nerd you're right [ __ ] the shitty game so the whole story is the game was rushed out unfinished it failed and then core design the company who originally made Tomb Raider shut down it was so bad that paramount blamed it for Tomb Raider Cradle a life slow box office oh and have you ever knows that Angelina Jolie Tomb Raider movies aren't called Tomb Raider they're officially called Lara Croft Tomb Raider and Laura Croft Tomb Raider the Cradle of Life what a mouthful did they just read the movie poster out loud might be why I took 15 years to get another feature film which was simply called Tomb Raider unless the real title was supposed to be Alicia vikander is Lara Croft Tomb Raider March 16th experience at an IMAX but that's probably too much for a theater marquee right anyway it was the end of an era but my journey leads to one last game one almost forgotten like the [ __ ] you took last month [Music] [Applause] [Music] the Nokia ngage Nokia's attempt to mix a phone with a gaming system these days it's common to play a game on your phone but back then options were kind of limited but Nokia was here to change that they had a pretty impressive catalog - stuff like Call of Duty Tony Hawk's Pro Skater and of course Tomb Raider before we play the game we have to put it in right no problem let's just pop the back off the phone then you pull out the battery hmm I hope no one tries to call me while I'm doing this so then we insert the SD card pop the battery back in put the case back on and we're ready well it's Tomb Raider that's what it is it's a remake of the first game only adjusted to fit onto the n-gage the animated cutscenes are removed and replaced with text over static images they also got rid of the music all you hear now is footsteps gunshots and enemies growling I gotta admit it's pretty impressive how they were able to fit the whole ps1 game on to a tiny SD card back then it has all the same moves from the first game one annoying difference is that when you press forward Laura will keep running until you stop her or she hit something it makes timing jumps real difficult and the camera is mildly shitty early PlayStation games didn't have the best graphics and they got even worse when you shrink them down I'm not sure why then just port one of the 2d gameboy games instead well it was an interesting experiment but ultimately a failure the n-gage couldn't compete with the Game Boy Advance and eventually faded into obscurity oh [ __ ] [Music] you [Music] Capcom is a name that needs no introduction in the 80s and 90s Capcom was one of the most dominant companies in the arcade and home console market you'd be hard-pressed to go somewhere in public and not see a Capcom machine or one of their games at somebody's house in 1993 capcom began development on a new game with a focus on horror originally conceived as a remake of the 1989 horror RPG sweet home for the Famicom Capcom put Tokyo Fujiwara the game's original director in charge of the project Fujiwara made his name in Capcom as the producer and sometimes director of a ton of great game such as ghosts and goblins Bionic Commando ducktales and Chip and Dale on the NES hell he even produced almost every Megaman game on the NES and SNES best of all though he produced the classic Street Fighter 2000 [ __ ] 10 hot damn to direct the project fujiwara chose Shinji Mikami the designer of Disney's Aladdin and goof troop on the Super Nintendo he had no joke who would have thought that the designer of goof troop would go on to create one of the most iconic horror series ever made in 96 Resident Evil came out the game revolutionized the horror gaming genre even going as far as coining the term survival horror the series is still going strong today spawning a [ __ ] ton of sequels as well as a movie that also spawned a [ __ ] ton of sequels but today I want to focus mainly on the PlayStation 1 era of Resident Evil the game's focus less on all-out combat and more on conserving your items this adds a lot of tension because if you run out of ammo you're [ __ ] this is where the survival part of the genre comes in it's about escaping rather than fighting the controls take a lot of time getting used to I've referred to them in the past as tank controls because pushing up makes you move forward no matter what direction you're facing pair this with the camera angles and it's real disorienting I [ __ ] hated the tank controls but looking back on it it did nothing to hurt Resident Evil's legacy one thing I find funny is at the end of every game you trigger a self-destruct timer it's like they couldn't come up with any more ideas how to end the games so they just rehash the ending of the first one after making the first three games for the PlayStation Capcom set its eyes on the new systems that were on the horizon from here on out Resident Evil was going next-gen except for one last game on the PlayStation Resident Evil survivor the game came out in 2000 by then a real Resident Evil sequel called Code Veronica had already hit the Dreamcast not to mention the PlayStation 2 was only a few months away so basically this game is kicking the PlayStation while it's already down mainly in the balls his game is here that hey who are you guys then why are you in my yard hello hello wow what an [ __ ] [Music] [Applause] he'll run for that house yeah [ __ ] that I'm going home you see that [ __ ] well I guess I gotta explain the umbrella corporation they moved in next door set up a secret lab and now there's monsters and stuff and I don't know what to do well I guess I'll pop in the disc play some Resident Evil survivor have a pint and wait for all this to blow over how's that for a slice of fried ass so here we are Resident Evil survivor the turd of the series the unplanned turd when Capcom [ __ ] their PlayStation pants beyond any hope of cleaning so bad they had to throw it away the game starts with a wall of text that takes forever to scroll even the narrator doesn't have the patience to wait for it he reads most of it before it even hits the screen [Music] then the cutscene starts and man is it ugly just look at the intros for Resident Evil 2 at the time these looked great and this came out two years before so this guy's seen hanging from a helicopter falls off and the copter crashes then that same helicopter shits another guy out seriously look at this the helicopters on fire and this dude just shoots out like a turd with an explosive fart behind it and there's your main character helicopter diarrhea what a lame character he looks generic and his clothes are that particular shade of mould cover [ __ ] green man how many times can I talk about [ __ ] before I even played the damn game so the game starts and it's in first person which seems like it would be awesome yeah a first-person Resident Evil game sounds like a great idea on paper too bad it's on toilet paper you know I've probably talked about [ __ ] more times than I've actually [ __ ] but it's a fact that when they wrote down the idea for this game they wrote it on toilet paper toilet paper that was already used alright let's get on with this the main problem is they kept the controls of the other games also to fight you have to hold down r1 and move a cursor on your target the game was originally made as a light gun shooter with gunk on support but that might have made the game somewhat decent and that's obviously not what they were going for here you run into an alley and fight the first zombie and it's awful you shoot him four times he falls awkwardly and shits a key out seriously look at it it comes out of his ass you know I'm starting to notice a trend here the zombie shoots out a key the helicopter shoots out the main character and Capcom [ __ ] out this game after you pick up the key you choose between three doors each one brings you to a different location this place some kind of movie theater here you come to your first puzzle if you even call it that in the older games you had to solve puzzles to find certain items and open new paths somewhere easy like pushing blocks to make a bridge but others you'd have to use a little more thought like pushing buttons in the correct order to find an item Resident Evil survivor however just as you find an item in the same room and use it here you find some film and put it in the projector afterwards you run back to the and there's a key for no reason so you get the key and leave the theater then you encounter some zombie dogs and a ringing phone the phone hang up how about the [ __ ] game turn off at this point the game starts throwing a variety of enemies at you but you always face one type at a time there's a mix of monsters from the first three games like these jumping lizard guys called hunters giant spiders birds and liqueurs yeah that's their name because they have a giant tongue they lick you with real clever sometimes you run into this big [ __ ] at first I thought he was the boss but he's so easy and he shows up a lot at one point you're walking in this dark cave or something and there's like 10 of them they give you ammo when you kill him by shooting it out of course the same guy shows up in Resident Evil 2 but there he's scary he stalks you all throughout the second scenario he even transforms in the end and becomes the final boss but here he just walks around like he's lost and lets you shoot him seriously I kill every one of these guys and barely ever take a hit so anyway I head into this library and there's this tiny bald guy who calls you Vincent he tells you that this is all your fault and then he runs away I sense a twist it turns out that the little guy is the janitor of the [ __ ] sewer and he actually lives down there you find this out by reading his diary that's just left on a desk deer diarrhea I'm the biggest [ __ ] loser in the whole world through reading it you also discover the main character is the evil Vincent a high-ranking member of the umbrella corporation and the man responsible for the outbreak what a twist [Music] then a kid walks in and dances like he has ghost peppers concealed in his you know where the character animation in this game is laughable they all look like they're doing the robot even if the zombies are animated like [ __ ] when you kill them they fall like a sack of bricks Wow either there's some frames missing or a gravity rift opens and thrust them to the floor at the speed of light it's hard to believe but the voice acting is the worst of any Resident Evil I know people joke about the first one what is this wow what a mansion that was too close you were almost a jiggle sandwich you're right everything was plotted from the start by umbrella but listen to this can you hear me who are you what are you doing answer me umbrella so this is where the city is controlled from there's a prison area with a bunch of naked zombies everywhere of course you find a bunch more diary diarrhea this one's from a prisoner that says he was abducted by the men in black Oh does that mean Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones work for umbrella too after the prison you go into this office building and get to see probably the funniest cutscene in any game ever it starts off with a voice message from Vincent's mom [Music] [Applause] that's in the finished game next you get the worst run cycle ever look at that the kid runs full force it only goes like 3 feet was this really the best they could have done so you chase these little bastards through a river or something and you runs these weird vibrating giant spiders I think they glitch but I played through this part a couple of times and it always happens the game I have is in near perfect condition so my only conclusion is they're meant to just vibrate after that you get to the kids house there's some items here including herbs I forgot to mention that herbs are the method of healing and the Resident Evil series the programmers this game should have smoked less herbs you can combine herbs together if you have an hour of free time just look at this I picked up a red herb and I want to combine it with the green herb to make a full heal I select the green herb and then have to find the red herb the scrolling takes forever in the older games it was like two seconds also I feel the resident evil way of using items was always weird first you find an item and check it and then it asks if you want the item well considering I went to pick it up I'd say I [ __ ] want it imagine if that's how it worked in real life [Music] [Music] the [ __ ] to my beard go when you get to the kids house you find the girl hiding in a room it turns out the boy went to the umbrella Factory so you have to go find him how he made it there is beyond me because there's all kinds of hunters dogs and those big trenchcoat bastards the umbrella Factory has some of the worst music I've ever heard and Resident Evil's known for having great music it's creepy and unsettling but this sounds like somebody bought a $2.00 Casio at the goodwill and threw it down the stairs [Music] how are they okay with this was there any quality assurance so after running through a ton more monsters you find the kid he's being attacked by a hunter monster so you shoot it and now the kid loves you please forgive me what are you talking about it's not your fault Vincent is the one who caused everything well I mean I you what do you mean you're the detective your name is art Thompson what so it turns out you aren't and Vincent you're some [ __ ] named dark Thompson and you were acting as a spy to expose the umbrella corporation the guy dressed in white who fell from the helicopter is actually Vincent what a twist this is where the game's writers make the Laozi's detent possible to connect this game to the Resident Evil canon that's right at the request of my friend Leon s Kennedy I came here to investigate oh yes I remember I remember everything that's right Leon from Resident Evil 2 is this [ __ ] friend Leon was probably sending arc there to die also I find it weird he calls Leon by his full name who the [ __ ] does that and this is internal monologue he isn't talking anyone so you send the kid by himself back to find the girl and they're supposed to meet you at the evacuation route later oh and cue that self-destruct timer [Music] now I've only been playing about an hour and I'm at the end of the game already compared to the other Resident Evil games this one is easy as [ __ ] this is my first time playing through and I'm about to beat it sure I've died a couple times but this game has continues instead of ink ribbons like in the other games I guess that's one good thing about it the only good thing anyway the last area is the same as the rest find an item open a door and run through this time however the weird sewer janitor comes to kill you because he still thinks you're Vincent too bad he gets killed by this naked claw guy I know he's called the tyrant but I like naked claw guy better like every other thing in this game he's easy he runs around swiping at the air until he dies or does he on to the next room where the two kids are somehow already at the evacuation train waving so let me get this straight this kid has time to run all the way back to the house get his sister run all the way the factory and find the Train all before you do and plus there's monsters all over either these kids are really badass or arced opsin is a huge [ __ ] I'll let you decide cuz I already have to move the Train you have to run and hit a switch that's right next to it this game just keeps going halfway with its puzzles I even have them this is yet another fetch quest on the large dung heap of other fetch quests throughout the game so you run to one end of the room then run to the door and get to a helipad but watch out the naked claw guy from before has crouched on a rooftop like [ __ ] Batman just waiting for you he jumps down and the final boss fight begins all he does is run around with his mouth open and swings at you it's terrifying oh sorry I meant embarrassing as long as you keep walking backwards and shooting he can't hit you what a joke shoot him enough times and his shoulder eyeball grows or something and then he gets bigger so now it's the final final battle which isn't much different from the first final battle you run around shoot him he dies or does he you get on the helicopter everything seems good and you fly away the and or is it know the monster somehow it gets to your helicopter after you fly a thousand feet up and the entire [ __ ] island explodes it makes no sense but what happens next makes even less sense so you shoot him with a missile and then shoot a missile into the other missile and now he's dead the helicopter does the most awkward flyby and the game ends or does it no it does for real this time there's the credits oh and to answer my question from earlier according to the credits there was no quality assurance no game testers at all and that means no one checked this game before it came out what a surprise after beating it you have the option to save the guns you found during your playthrough for another run there are different story segments depending on the route you take but I give two less shits than I did before all it changes is who gets killed by the naked claw guy so I guess it's an attempt at adding replay value replay but is it replay value if you never want to replay it ever again so if you have an hour and a half to spare and don't value your time on earth at all then you can run through it a second time but me I rather Huff the anal exhaust from an elephant oh those [ __ ] must have triggered my neighbors self-destruct system I gotta get out of here before everything explodes nation [Music] [Music] [Music] hey nerd [Music] take this [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Cheers [Music] yes I wanna [ __ ] take it lights out [ __ ] [Music] you [Music] [Music] oh good you made it out too well thanks for destroying my [ __ ] ass you Fox [Music] Chris Redfield Jill Valentine [Music] very bird Rebecca chambers [Music] Albert Wesker nerds [Music] the Angry Video Game Nerd he's gonna take you back to the man [Music] remember [Music] Atari Sega nerd the angry video game nerd [Music] in all the anals of history no game has ever slurped so much [ __ ] as hydlide well actually no not really because compared to the [ __ ] I play it's pretty much intermediate diarrhea but anyway eight years ago I played the first hydlide since then I've gotten a lot of requests to review the other hydlide games the other hydlide games because the first one was so good you gotta have more no sequels to games that already suck donkey kong kong that i can't stand I can't stand the sound of it hydlide [Applause] yes we just got to get it all out so here's super hide light on the Sega Genesis and virtual hide light on the Sega Saturn virtual hide light is actually a remake of the original while super hide light is a genesis port of the third hydlide came from japan yes you heard me right this is the third installment the second one was only in Japan Japan should have kept them all and incinerated them so without further ado do let's start with super hide lied let's pop this [ __ ] in get this over with the game starts up with a collection of the most shrill noises the Genesis could possibly produce this is the closest you could get two 16-bit nails on chalkboard and it's playing over one of the worst logos ever designed by humans if you didn't already know this is a hydlide review you have no idea what that says so right off the bat it's an all-out assault of the senses on two fronts and look at that cutscene it looks like a two-year-old discovered Microsoft Paint when you start you're given the option of a character class there's for warrior thief priest and monk the one thing I do like about the game is you can put up to eight letters for your name so I can write pretty much any curse word I like in here like [ __ ] or dick face dildo now it doesn't fit but anyway I'm gonna go with the classic standby ass and with that we have the last nice thing I will ever say about this game dear Lord look at this everything looks like pixelated a splatter the people are nothing but a diuretic debacle moving around at one frame a second I can't even tell which one I am I mean for the love of sweet [ __ ] take mushrooms and yes like the annals of history I know what it is it's shiitake but it's spelled [ __ ] take this game looks like the glitch gremlin had a freaky [ __ ] fest all over it and this isn't even a glitch it's just how the game looks this game looks like the original and it's twice the bits supposedly Genesis does what nintendon't well this one does jack [ __ ] super hide lied is just downright ugly and it came out in 1990 fancy start to came out on Genesis the same year and looks ten times better I mean even Final Fantasy on the NES had better graphics than this hog vomit so let's play the damn thing the first thing I do is go out of the town and get my ass handed to me your character doesn't start with weapons you have to buy them so you walk all over this hodgepodge building that defies all architectural logic oh and be careful when you're buying stuff because everything in this game has weight I understand this is commonplace in most RPGs now but how does it make sense that a dagger weighs twice the amount of a goddamn Club is the dagger made of solid lead [ __ ] it I'm buying a club [Music] ah so it turns out I'm also supposed to stop at the general store and buy some healing items where's the general store you might ask why in a generic unmarked building that looks like a regular house seriously how was I supposed to know that at least the weapons store looks like an important building the general store is tucked away in the back like it doesn't matter and again what's up with the wait why does the Japanese helmet weigh as much as a club and dagger combined oh and be sure to buy some food too because if it gets too far past lunchtime you lose health and die of starvation I actually timed it it takes about two hours in game before you die so don't skip any meals in this world the consequences could be deadly imagine living in this world you're late for work so you skip breakfast and then two hours later you're in the middle of a meeting and you drop [ __ ] dead in front all your coworkers nothing left but a withered husk tragic so now that I have all my crap it's time to kill monsters but not all the monsters you got to make sure you're only killing the evil monsters according to the manual killing good monsters will lower your morality and you won't become a true hero so don't kill the slime tree spirit or phantom but do kill the heavy slime cannibal and Wraith makes sense right except it's all in black and white and they all look the same and for the love of God don't kill Sara the kangaroo rabbit thing so after killing a [ __ ] ton of monsters you can use your experience points at the temple to level up or buy spells at the Wizards house the first spell you get is illusion all it does is make everyone on the screen freak out also for some reason at 18 o'clock everything turns yellow I guess it's sunset but it looks more like all the grass just dies in the world turns into a 16-bit piss puddle I have no idea what to do after running around for hours and that's real life hours not in-game I found these two locations one is this place where all it gives you as a sound test why would I want to walk into a random abandoned town just to hear the music from this game the other location is this maze I walk around and just die over and over and over in the same place I can't figure out where to go the townspeople just give vague hints but no actual direction I can't even buy armor because it weighs too much so after dying over and over I've realized something I'd rather set up a slip and slide over a ruptured septic tank than play any more events and that's something I've never even tried yet in conclusion the game is [ __ ] literally and yes I mean literally the game is actually [ __ ] I will back up this claim by reading from a book by Harry G Frankfurt a professor of philosophy at Princeton University the book is on [ __ ] it does seem fitting to construe carelessly made shoddy goods as [ __ ] but in what way is the resemblance that [ __ ] itself is invariably produced in a careless or self-indulgent manner that is never finely crafted the word [ __ ] does suggest this excrement is not designed or crafted at all it is merely omitted or dumped so while the game did not actually come out of somebody's [ __ ] it sure came out in the same manner well one good thing you can turn off the sega take the game out and place it somewhere dark and out of the way so you never have to play it again maybe virtual hydlide will be the Redeemer of the series I mean just read the back of the box this game is the first 3d polygons action RPG for any new generation system it has a digitized main character for the ultimate in realism computer graphics and 3d backgrounds created on high-tech workstations plus a unique creative world function with over 40 billion possible combinations that's a billion with a be as in [ __ ] so let's refresh you take the crap factor of the original 8-bit hydlide doubled up to get 16-bit [ __ ] super hide line then add a whole new dimension of suck [ __ ] and get virtual hide line more like virtually unplayable oh yeah it's on the Saturn so I have to set the date and time I'll let it keep thinking it's 94 so it doesn't know it's cruel fate of being discontinued man oh man look at those graphics did someone sneeze all over the camera lens the beginning is basically the same as the original hide line where the dragon guy turns the princess and the three fairies just with a lot higher production values this is kind of like hydlide special edition to start the game you need to create a new world this randomly generates the layout you still have to do the same quests in the same order but the locations change so who gives a [ __ ] [Music] the [ __ ] [Music] oh god this can't be real I'm wiping the steam from my glasses the steam that's rising from this pile of goat [ __ ] it looks like the deformed bastard child of CDI zelda and ocarina time zelda why does he walk like that what a sight to behold never in all my years have i gazed upon something as grotesquely hideous as virtual hydlide you have every shade of the vomit rainbow in the barf rainbow too and the first enemies I face are trees I'm fighting the scenery yeah what a letdown and the back of the box did such a good job hyping it up you can't believe the back of a box who can you trust so the game is a big fetch quest just follow the blue mark on the compass grab the item you need and run to the next and just like in the original I have to grab the crucifix from the graveyard to kill the vampire in the vampire's mansion you have to touch a bunch of balls to open a door the camera doesn't seem to know what to do with itself and the narrow halls really showcase the terrible controls this place is a mess at the end you get to the first boss fight against the vampire he even talks I know what he said all he said was [ __ ] literally and yes I mean literally to quote Frankfurt again just as hot air as speech that has been emptied of all informative content so excrement is matter from which everything nutritive has been removed excrement may be regarded as the corpse of nourishment what remains when the vital elements and food have been exhausted in this respect excrement is a representation of death ok this book is losing me have you ever looked into a toilet and said oh [ __ ] I shout out a dead body perhaps it is for making death so intimate that we find excrement so repulsive or is it perhaps because it stinks yeah so just as a turd as virtually a corpse virtual hide light is virtually a game but anyway the vampires are pushover so hand him his ass hand it to him just make sure to equip the crucifix then stand in front of them and swing yeah I kill that [ __ ] you get you get to well yeah yeah I get told they're awesome the band as long as I have to play this cold and ugly game sober as you vicariously watch me as I hold a grudge with a hooker at the odd nevermind back to the game killing the vampire gets you the super magic lamp you need this to light up the next dungeon in here you get a dark sword which shoots hot Duke ins and enemies it makes the game a lot better well it makes it slightly more tolerable this dungeon doesn't even have a boss just a couple of chests you get tool again and run to the next dungeon one thing that really pisses me off is having to run back through the dungeon after getting the item it doesn't warp you to the beginning like in Zelda you have to run all the way back the way you came and the later dungeons are long as hell some even have more than one level now you get the spectacles of truth which let you find secret entrances in the next area they also turn everything red it makes the game look like you're playing an interactive colonoscopy which would probably be more fun okay I can't take this anymore I'll finish it after lunch all right nice and refreshed let's finish this garbage I have to set the date every time what's the point of a clock then what the [ __ ] where's my save file a game didn't save oh that's right the battery must be dead because the Sega Saturn has those watch batteries inside you have to replace them yeah it's this battery right here 2032 [Music] [Music] all right I'm done running errands time to run some virtual errands thankfully you can just enter your world code and it'll be the same layout but you still got to start from the beginning you only level up after completing an objective so killing enemies is pointless it's just for score you can however use the points you earn to buy items out of store but they're available for free in the game so who gives a [ __ ] the only item you should get is the scroll of detect it shows all treasure chests on the map I ended up getting back to where I was pretty fast on top of that I got better items than I had on my first playthrough so that's cool I guess actually no it isn't the fairy armor looks real stupid honestly any armor you get looks stupid on this guy but it's powerful so whatever okay now I'm back where I left off and it's at this point the game gets tedious as all hell every dungeon from here on out wraps all over the place this is the volcanic cave it's filled with enemies and fireballs even stepping on the lava Mark's hurt you [Music] oh great now I'm cursed once you find a cursed item you can't unequip it this really sucks because you need the dragon shield to kill the mad dragon boss oh man I'm so dead I don't want to have to run through this again do I have anything helpful scroll of herb here goes nothing all right that actually worked I turned the cursed shield into an herb now to kick the Dragons ass suck on that you [ __ ] so more advice on top of the scroll detect also get the scroll of herbs he can turn everything in the herbs oh yeah I forgot I got a run back through this hellhole oh and great I died wait I'm back at the entrance all this time I've been running all the way back through the dungeon when I could just kill myself to teleport okay well now I know luckily I found that out before the next dungeon it's not too crazy of a maze this time but there's multiple levels to it each maze takes you to an elevator down another nifty trick I learned is on the map screen you can turn your character just point them in the right direction and hold the Run button and most the enemies stay out of your way - I'm killing this dungeon oh [ __ ] minecart whoa what would a hydlide remake be without ripping off something from Indiana Jones all you need is the music from the first hydlide and it's perfect the boss of this dungeon is the evil mage he floats around twiddling his thumbs or something he's easy but you can only hit him when he touches the ground get comfy because he takes forever oh come on will you just land so I can shoot your ass come on [ __ ] down get the [ __ ] down get the [ __ ] down it feels like I'm talking to a cat get down get down get down get down after about a week and a half of him floating around you beat him and get the next item it's the tears of the earth the world is crying this game is so bad you use them at this sign and you make the fortress of [ __ ] solitude appear guessing that's where Superman 64 lives this area looks confusing but it's actually the easiest part to navigate just get to the center the next part is what's annoying it's a maze surrounding floating blocks it's tedious but eventually you get through and fight the boss that I can't hurt what I'm hitting him with everything I got this is [ __ ] see I hit him with that too so it turns out the only way to beat this boss and the final one is to find the sword of light that's fine and all but maybe I could have been told that nowhere in the game does it ever mention needing the sword or really any item other than the ones you get from boss fights in fact the game holds your hand throughout giving you a marker to the objective at all times the sword can be found on that part with the floating blocks in a random chest so you have to use the scroll detect and check every goddamn chest until you find it how was I ever supposed to know this I had to look it up because I couldn't believe the game would just [ __ ] me over like that but it did when I looked up that information I learned something else too the knight's name is Jim Jim Jim the night with Jim doesn't sound like a knight sounds like a nerd so you get the light sword you Hadouken the monster the building falls down and the fairies save you Wow look at that he looks like Pucci the rocking dog going back to his home plan on The Simpsons I have to go now my planet needs me this is the final level thank God now you're actually playing a colonoscopy it starts with you fighting the vampire again but this time he has bats that swarm all over you he's still kind of easy you just can't bum-rush him like last time after him you fight the mage but this time he flies in two directions whoa after you beat these two [ __ ] it's on to the dragon guy ber alles which sounds like boner medication it's the same [ __ ] you keep hot do getting him he dies you win cue that beautiful FMV and the fairies turned back into the princess who looks like she just got off the set of a hair metal video wait what did she just look at the camera is she related to the princess in Sonic oh six thankfully Virtua hydlide is over the credits play and you get the list of shame set to some shitty stock JPEGs of the countryside you wasted precious hours of your life to give yourself eyestrain and motion sickness and all you get is a [ __ ] congratulations screen well at least they spelled it right anyway virtual hydlide is literally a [ __ ] oh that's right where I throw the book well whatever I don't have anything planned anyway so [Music] commodore wants the most popular name in the home computer industry throughout the 80s it held its own against industry giants and etched its place in videogame history with the vic-20 commodore 64 and Amiga line of computers though sadly as time went on the company went from competing with the likes of Apple and IBM to just becoming BM after the video game crashed the 80s companies emerged like Nintendo and Sega to pick up the pieces and resurrect the dying industry Commodore would try to hang in there but it ended up crumbling like weak old cat barf on a carpet so what went wrong how could a company that once ruled the home computer industry be reduced to a small footnote in videogame history you want to know the answer the amiga cd32 yeah this thing was the straw that broke the camel's back the [ __ ] caked baby wipe that ruptured the septic tank after declining sales in the late 80s and early 90s commodore decided to take a stab at console production the CD 32 was released in europe and canada in september of 93 and slated to release in the US early the next year but guess what it never happened Commodore wasn't allowed to release it in the US until they paid ten million dollars in back owed patent royalties on top of that the system was discontinued only eight months after being released bankrupting the company this console is such a joke that it ruined one of the biggest computer companies of all time in less than a year even if it did come out in the US the original retail price for this monstrosity was $400 and that's in 93 nowadays with inflation ballpark estimate that equals almost $700 you could buy two PlayStation fours for that price or are they thinking who in their right mind would buy this when you can get a superintended Genesis for less than half the price and because I'm the nerd I'm gonna have to check out a Jackie these games you can't make this stuff up but somebody did oh and after this you gotta wash your hands because you can get pinkeye from touching all this fecal matter oh and then you got it adapted oh it's gonna adapt to my swears bloody [ __ ] bollocks wank wank arse [Music] bollocks con but as you point is this we if the words are upside down oh wait no no the controller's upside down all right well let's try dangerous streets now that is ass first the [ __ ] power button on the back come on [Music] what the [ __ ] it won't start it won't start start start how do you start oh that's perfect I have to hold the disc catch down just to get the game to spin what did I really expect this thing to work I don't even want to play this piece of [ __ ] to begin with let alone one-handed holding the thing down and get it to function there we go the brand new CD 32 ad on a paint can it's like the hillbilly cousin of the 32x so here we go the first game on the garbage pile dangerous streets press the fire button okay well which button is that is it the three one two button or the curly arrow button or the arrow pointing at the line button or the square button have you ever seen the [ __ ] alphabet they could have just called it ABCD I'll just call it green yellow red blue so if you guess the fire button was the down arrow pointing at the line button you win a prize and that prize is footage of the shittiest fighting game ever made right off the bat this is possibly the worst group of fighting game characters I've ever seen looking back at Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat each game had a group of memorable characters like real guile scorpion liu kang this game has futuristic tommy wiseau ass cheek lady spring shoe guy fat guy with his pants undone and a Native American guy taking a [ __ ] and there's this guy who was born in Pennsylvania which just confuses the [ __ ] out of me this game is a complete mess the buttons seem to do random things the green and yellow buttons are standing punch and ducking punch the blue ones sometimes makes you kick jump or glow I don't know what the hell's going on what blows my mind is that the game came out in 94 by the time it was out we already had Super Street Fighter 2 turbo and mortal calm - I mean for [ __ ] sake that's the same here Killer Instinct came out how in the sweet name of merciful [ __ ] could they [ __ ] up a fighting game this bad by then this is already one of the worst games I've ever played in my entire life and it's the first thing I popped in on this system I don't know what to do I just mash buttons but the sad thing the in-game character looks just as confused as I and not to mention I keep winning also this game is running on what is essentially an early PC made into a gaming console it even says 32 bits on the top of it but it looks worse than most 16-bit games could you imagine spending 400 of your hard-earned dollars plus another 20 or so for this game so I'm up to the guy from Pennsylvania and he's the cheapest piece of [ __ ] ever apparently there are special moves in the game but good luck figuring them out it takes a button combination just to kick oh and when you lose it's back to the beginning no continues I just don't get it do people actually set out to make a game this bad did someone consciously decide they wanted to take everything that had been done right in video games and empty their colonic contents all over it the only thing I like about this game is the horrible voice samples they use for the vs. screen they're hilarious alright on to the next game here we go super putty or look out it's putty if you don't press start the game sends you to an unskipable demo mode seriously if you try to hit the start button it just pauses the demo why I hit the start button because I wanted to start the game not pause the demo why would you ever want to pause a demo if you waited this long your punishment is you have to watch this demo it's actually faster to reset the game and the game itself is a drugged up fever dream you play as a blue ball who walks around hitting mushrooms with its punching glove boner and look up there pliability oh of course you know like health stamina energy pliability so when you punch these things for some reason they turn into babies and then you eat the babies you eat the babies or absorb them or whatever the hell he's doing but if you don't the babies explode this game is [ __ ] up the sound in this game is atrocious the sound of the babies crying the sound when you get hurt the jumping sound the constant banging I'm going [ __ ] mad I tell you [Laughter] [Music] okay well enough of this next up we got morph it starts off with this horrifying cutscene this weird kid shows up at this creepy old man's house and it looks kind of like doc and Marty if they were crossbred with the minions so the kid stands on a teleporter so they're doing the fly thing and the whole thing blows up turning you into a ball that can shape-shift yeah so the games basically a puzzle platformer where you can transform into different kinds of balls that each have a different ability you have to find a specific item in each level and complete it without using too many transformations so it's kind of a neat idea maybe if it wasn't on the cd32 next we got naughty ones it starts with this cutesy cutscene set to the creepiest possible music [Music] then at the menu it has this upbeat reggae tune the games pretty much a basic action platformer just find the key in each level and then head to the door it's not too bad it kind of has a Bubble Bobble feel to it with the graphics and the gameplay however one annoying thing is it uses up as the jump button actually of all the games I've talked about so far only one game didn't use up as a jump button and it was the fighting game the only one were jumped should have been up so anyway this one's OK and gets a pass on to the next piece of technological torture beavers there are a hip band beavers beaver mania hits the UK but that pisses off the rabbits so here we go here's another cute cutscene a beaver comes home to his family he just puts his lunch box or whatever it is on the floor picks it up he puts it down again and oh this mean rabbit comes in and oh [ __ ] I'm not seeing this man [Music] no that didn't happen the [ __ ] dude oh [ __ ] oh boy is that jarring it's like these games can't figure out if they want to be cartoony and cute or [ __ ] horrifying oh oh what the hell oh and look how fast the game starts if you don't keep up you die the edge of the screen kills you [ __ ] flies at you from any which way and pretty much anything you can touch can hurt you you're supposedly able to do a spin attack but it doesn't work at all I can't even beat the first level and if I didn't already make it clear the purpose of the game is to rescue your wife but I don't think this beavers getting his wife back because I can't put myself through any more of this torture well that's it if you're expecting me to make some kind of Bieber joke no because this is high-class internet content now enough of this poop [ __ ] [ __ ] diarrhea one [ __ ] well now that I got that out of my system now it's time to move on to the real meat of the cd32 any fan of first person shooters knows about the big [ __ ] game of them all doom but have you ever played gloom not at all like doom no this is a totally different thing this is gloom when the game starts it plays this weird happy ass music naughty ones has scary ass music but gloom has happy ass music and it plays before every single level also is he gonna kill those guys or are they his squad mates they look like they're on the same team why not make them a different color if they're an enemy so you play as this Space Marine type guy and kill other Space Marine guys it looks horrible and it's like the main character is severely nearsighted you collect bouncing balls for guns and baby bottles for health what is this like a spoof like pea ode yeah the game where you're shooting butts but that was done on purpose as a parody this one it's just a [ __ ] watered-down piece of [ __ ] don't knock off this game's nice and gory though every time you shoot someone they explode into a million pieces sadly it's repetitive as all hell and every level looks the same in the first one you just run to the other side of the room and it's over imagine completing a whole level of doom in 10 seconds open the second level you have to hit a switch before you run to the door oh now it's given doom a run for its money when you pause you can change some of the graphics options this makes the game run smoother but it looks even more blurry also you can get rid of the ceiling and floor I guess it's supposed to make the graphics look better but it still looks like I ate broken glass and then [ __ ] it into my eyeballs and I must emphasize this was a PC company this game is giving me a headache to look at and I think my vision has actually gotten worse because of it I'd sue for damages but I'm pretty sure this company's going out of business long ago the only thing left worth noting is the violence option you have meaty or messy with meaty they explode and disappear with messy the chunks stay on the ground also it slows the game down after you kill too many people so yeah gloom is a cheap knockoff that doesn't even do a good job at being a knockoff on to the next one oh this one's a double disc whoa so much value I should have just lit that money on fire and pissed on it okay so we'll start with diggers well it's like lemmings or something I think you go this guy click some things then make your guide dig it'd be more fun to actually go outside and dig a hole and play this [ __ ] it on the Oscar oh god no flare the same company that made dangerous streets oh now that's a horrible character seems like everybody was trying to be the seedy 32s mascot but being the mask guy the cd32 is like being the mascot for a porta potti company actually I take that back it would be better to be a porta potti mascot than be featured on this cockamamie console ok let's start take 69 really this is the first level they could have put take 1 but no they chose 69 on purpose oh for the love of [ __ ] up is jump again I'm convinced they're playing a joke so here he is Oscar the something he's not quite sonic he's not quite bubsy he's just Oscar the game controls worse than looks and I keep running in this [ __ ] because the backgrounds are such a hodgepodge of vomit-inducing mishmash the enemies are practically invisible and I can't even get a minute into the first level before getting a game over the levels are all based on movie genres like in gex or spot goes to hollywood the first room is sci-fi themed you fight robots and what looks like the dog xenomorph from alien 3 this one's hard themed there's dogs chainsaws and spooky ghosts I can't make much progress here on top of the shitty controls Oscar runs like he's on ice this game isn't the worst I played so far but that's not a compliment it's like comparing solid [ __ ] logs to a diarrhea puddle they both smell awful they're both disgusting but I guess I'd rather pick up a turd log and toss it out they'd have to stop up diarrhea with a paper towel next Bubba and sticks a game by core design let's find out what's worse this or Angel darkness Styx kinda looks like bizarro [ __ ] pickle the artwork looks pretty cool and the music is alright so maybe this will actually be a hidden gem oh please let it be good oh my god oh my god it's actually good pretty good the gameplay is kind of like a puzzle platformer where you have to use sticks to get past obstacles like using him to pry this rock up or sticking him into the wall to use as a platform this part right here is pretty funny you have to get close to these weird guys without interrupting their conversation and then throw sticks the character at them the graphics are really nice too it's cartoony and colourful but not like the rainbow vomit from Oscar this is actually a good game at least until I get to the second level and I can't figure out what to do and I don't have the time to figure it out so oh well I guess we gotta move on but I can give this one the nerd stamp of not [ __ ] but now we're getting down to the shitty gritty we have surf ninjas moto surf that's right they made a surf ninjas tie-in for this thing nice word art title screen is this a game or a fourth grade book report oh and it's by flair again I'm guessing they were the LJN of the cd32 well now I know it's gonna suck the first thing you have to do is choose whether you want to hear sound effects or music uh can I have both the game barely resembles anything from the movie and when my complaint is that the game is not like surf ninjas then you know we're really in bad shape who are you supposed to be this isn't even a character from the movie is it supposed to be Ernie Ray's jr. or maybe it's Rob Schneider it's not confirmed but it's probably true that this was actually another game before they turned into surf ninjas because that's what you want to do if you have a shitty game might as well make it surf ninjas they probably just had some generic beat him up on a hard drive and slap the surf ninjas name on it last minute kind of like doki doki panick but it's dookie dookie panic that's another real shitty [ __ ] joke but not as shitty as a shitty movie based game based off a shitty movie surf ninjas yeah I know I talk about [ __ ] a lot but I'm staring at [ __ ] if you are looking at [ __ ] would you be talking about butterflies or something no I'm looking at [ __ ] we're talking [ __ ] okay so I gotta call myself down a little bit the gameplay is monotonous I walk around fighting ninjas who kicked my ass most the time oh and in most games you die when the health bar goes down right well in this game you die whenever the game decides you're dead look at this I have life left but I'm [ __ ] dead most the time your attacks don't even register and when they do it takes forever and a day to kill the ninjas look at this what is going on here oh wait what did I just rip his heart out that doesn't happen in the movie does it I gotta find out I'm gonna make a quick call here this is in a massive your video we're selection is the name of the game this is James speaking how may I help you yeah okay I just want to ask you a quick question sure thing go right ahead have you ever watched the movie surf ninjas I just had a chat with a bunch of friends all about that did you know that the costume designer was the same and Street Fighter the movie that would explain all the blue camouflage I just want to ask a [ __ ] question in the movie surf ninjas does anybody rip someone's heart out Kato style no I don't think that happened in the movie see I knew it hello hello wow what an [ __ ] so back to this [ __ ] oh and guess what what button do you think the jump button is take a guess up again but this time they took it a step further jump hurts you yes I am not kidding when you jump you get damaged what [ __ ] decided it was a good idea to make jumping hurt you in a ninja game so the whole point is to find items and bring them to the right places like here you need to bring wax to the surfer who gives you a change to give to the hobo so you can get into his alley the last guy in my way is this dude with a truck who keeps asking you to bring him boxes oh come on man there's a box right near you are you so [ __ ] lazy you can't just walk over and get the box oh but that's only one of them because there's several scattered all over the place and you have to find them all so after searching hours for the last one I found that you need to get a key and then go down to the hobo alley and use it to open this door but how was I supposed to know that this level is filled with doors that you can't go in so when I first passed it I thought it was just part of the scenery I had to replay this level eight times checking every goddamn door in town before I found it and there it is the last box wait what is that a pixelated naked lady okay that made it worth it next game okay now we have Kay okay first off we need to talk about this cover art it's like a shitty colored pencil sketch of a kangaroo sunglasses and they must have been pretty proud of it because it's the title screen to and not to mention at the bottom of the cover they single out the letters G R e e D so the company who made this game is called greed on the back it says this game shows the full possibilities of the cd32 oh boy I can't wait okay he's gonna start it takes forever to startup I thought it was broken because it stays on a black screen for almost two minutes but that's just how the game is Wow gosh you could say this is random you got a spinning ball scrolling pictures of kangaroos that keep glitching out and then another black screen then a picture of a kangaroo then another black screen then the high score then another black screen and then another kangaroo picture and then another black screen I'm not kidding this is the actual game oh and it's really showing off all the possibilities in the cd32 for real it's showing exactly how shitty a game can be for this console after eight and a half minutes no exaggeration I finally get to the Start screen and what out of memory what does out of memory mean let me check the instructions open door turn on CD 32 insert CD but wait with closing door till the music has played closed door and game will boot automatically otherwise it will not boot due to a bug in the CD 32 which will not free the memory as it should this is historical never not once have I ever had a game where the instructions tells you by the way this game is really [ __ ] up so you're gonna have to jump through all kinds of crazy hoops to get to work so now I got to move my paint can open the door till the music has played close the door and pop on the paint can this is not normal but believe it or not it actually works now and after all that all the loading screens and everything it turns out to be the worst game of the entire stack is ungodly there is no style whatsoever it is a complete mishmash of garbage every character looks like they came from a different shitty game you fight weird cartoon chickens dragon guys with axes umbrellas giant wasps slinkys and bouncing balls all on our realistic digitized backdrop like that this is too much to take in so I'm just gonna give you a minute just to breathe okay you ready for me to continue I have no idea what to do here I just jump around shooting a [ __ ] machine gun why is it called Kang foo if he's not doing kung foo he's got a machine gun oh gosh oh I'd rather be playing Shaq foo I'd rather play you two foo and Robin Williams foo I thought I knew what bad games were I thought I was prepared but I was wrong [Music] oh my god that game over screen that is I thought I've seen everything but they they use a real photo you go from a cartoony kangaroo to a real picture of a kangaroo skeleton in the [ __ ] desert there is nothing you could ever tell me no proof you could present that could ever prove in my mind that the developers were not psychopaths huffing the gallon of paint sitting on my cd32 right now this was given a retail release people were able to buy this at a store the fact that I bought it now is one thing but what if you bought this when it was new what if it was your only game did anyone actually grow up with this thing imagine the psychological effects one more game Zul well it's pretty much the same as the atari jaguar Zul - which I already covered before it's a basic platformer action game it's so average it doesn't even matter I don't have much else to say about it so let's just pretend I said nothing in fact let's just forget all about the amiga cd32 which is one of the worst consoles I've ever played it's the equivalent of hyena diarrhea and you know what hyenas eat the leftover scraps of dead animals that predators didn't want so imagine a hyenas decaying intestinal tract sprang liquefied death sauce at its [ __ ] shoot and there you have the amiga cd32 [ __ ] this thing watch it go all right oh that's right I should have tossed this [ __ ] too huh warning do not play track 1 of this game CD on any audio CD player huh why not I have to find out [Applause] [Music] you [Applause] [Music] previously on the Angry Video Game Nerd [Music] warning do not play track 1 of this game CD on any audio CD player why not I have to find out [Music] I guess the reason they tell you not to do it is because this game has the soundtrack and track 1 of the game file so it doesn't work anyway today we're gonna play a town with no name but first we got to talk about the system it ran on the Commodore CD TV which was basically a home computer and a cd-rom drive crammed into an aluminum coffin no what CD TV stands for compact disc television no it actually stands for Commodore dynamic total vision Wow what a shitty redundant acronym because it's the Commodore CD TV which means Commodore Commodore dynamic total vision kinda like how DC Comics is technically Detective Comics comics ever notice that I just got to go get my CD TV somewhere over here tella games Coleco Famicom where is it I don't have a CD TV right now to play it although the CD TV is basically the same as the Amiga 500 PC which I also don't have the town with no name can be played on anything using the Amiga advanced graphics architecture chipset as found in the amiga cd32 you got to be kidding me all right here we go again but before we can play the game let's talk about the cover oh look at this ugly mess even the weird mega man from the NES cover would look at this thing and vomit oh and says on the back here congratulations you have been personally selected from literally thousands of possible candidates to experience the town with no name huh the town with no name well the front just says town with no name no though let's see if the disc huh and the disc says town with no name ok pop this [ __ ] in here oh good thing I didn't throw away the paint can [Applause] [Music] it hits your wife become a true cd32 master and reach a whole new level of gaming excellence of display new add-on salted these fine retailers oh it looks worse than I thought it would so the train stops and this guy gets off and just squashes the happiest spider in the world why is there so much blood unbelievable the lip-sync is actually worse than Drake the 99 Dragons away hold on the town with no name okay so if we assume that the title in the actual game is the one that's correct that would mean the back of the box is correct but the front is wrong which is actually worse the disk is wrong the spine is wrong and let's see what it says inside the manual it says nothing the town with no name more like the instructions with no words oh I thought the instructions and home improvement was bad where it's all covered up this is even less helpful from an idea by Charlie Watts the drummer from Rolling Stones Oh was the game drawn by Keith Richards while he was on drugs music by the Jester oh that's quite a jest oh boy it's another menu I can get back on the train head into town or talk to the old-timer [ __ ] this I'm getting back on the train he shot a kid my name's nut Shane kid this is just boy that's a new one I thought I was hallucinating III thought it was the paint fumes coming from my cd32 add-on but no it's the game so here it is for real this time so you walk into the town and some [ __ ] immediately starts shooting at you from what I can tell he can't kill you so all you have to do is click on them dang that's toilet yeah for Fred [ __ ] sake what's with all the blood this game has more blood than mortal combat and the front of the cover says entertainment for all ages where's the ESRB when you need them turns out the guy you killed is the little brother of evil EV the leader of the hole in the head gang and now he'll stop at nothing to hunt you down so on to yet another menu that's pretty much all the game is navigating menus it's basically plumbers don't wear ties but in the Wild West and way worse believe it or not alright let's go get a drink at the saloon [Music] another ear-splitting hit from the gesture so in the saloon you get a drink if you can catch it you can also play this shitty card game it's just three-card Monte but you can't get out of it until you played three whole games of it and it goes on forever you can also go upstairs and check out the rooms one room has a hooker that you can sleep with yeah entertainment for all ages Oh No why that time to discover I have a hygiene problem but she'll reject you until you take a bath and then [Music] well that was horrifying the last room is some guy throwing knives at you and I'm dead well the Evil Dead reference is a nice touch but trust me you're gonna get sick of it oh cool I'm back at the beginning at least plumbers don't wear ties let's you start where you left off but this game has no mercy so after playing through the same [ __ ] over and over I found out something basically all you have to do to progress the story is to walk into a location and then leave every time you leave you get a cutscene with The Back to the Future font for some reason I guess because the third back the future takes place in the Wild West then a new guy comes to town and you duel him you don't need to do anything just walk in walk out and that's it each location has absolutely no bearing on the story except for the saloon which we'll get to in a bit they're just pointless diversions meant to waste your time there's a store with this creepy [ __ ] who sells you a special offer step brought up son step brought up and take advantage of today's once-in-a-lifetime never to be repeated in mega special OVA yeah a special offer it's one baked bean man I hope that's a joke I can't imagine anyone putting themselves through the torture of collecting all 425 of these there's a jail house where you can see the rogues gallery it's supposed to be the guys who try to kill you but I'm pretty sure it's the creators of the game honestly for creating this [ __ ] they deserve to be put in jail alright next is the church [ __ ] so here you can talk to this priest to mumble something and then flies into the ceiling the stable has this googly eyed horse and I love that damn horse it's hilarious you can try to steal it but it kicks your ass all across the town still love it though there's the blacksmith wear this Clint Eastwood looking guy is just hanging out you can talk to him or you shoot him whatever you want I don't know what I expected but it wasn't that my head gets blown clean off and there isn't a single drop of blood I mean that the spider bleeds like it's nobody's [ __ ] business but your head come on ah like I said all you have to do is enter place exit and duel the first guy is nasty Ned he's really easy just click on him when you see him and he's dead got a pop Danny hunt oh I've got a zippy zeke on the other hand is a bastard and a half he pops up all over the place and you only have like a second to hit him which is almost impossible because the cursor on this thing is slower than a turd coming out the [ __ ] of a constipated snail the only way to win here is to watch the pattern figure out where he'll be and put your cursor there then you hit that button faster than diarrhea coming out the [ __ ] of an unconstitutional the third guy you fight is crafty Clint but he ain't that crafty he just comes out at the bottom corner of the screen and you shoot him eventually you'll get stuck I ran around every single location clicking every single option before I finally found out what to do the next guy only comes out when you head to the saloon and choose to play cards but seriously how was I supposed to know that he explains the rules for like an hour and it's really obvious that the voice actor was just reading a cue card because he stumbles in places the loser has to pay one cent per point 10 Pixy cards and aces all cost 10 cents eventually I win and he gets pissed off nobody beats me and nobody cheats me and you've been trying to do both let's have to listen now and then I'm back at the beginning again you know with this game you make one tiny step forward and then it sets you all the way back it's like a friend comes over and says hey you want to play rock-paper-scissors so you go to play it but then instead he just punches you right in the face and then he says you want to play again and you're like okay and this time you're ready for it so this time you go to punch him in the face first but then he kicks you in the balls and it says you want to play again and you say yes but this time as soon as the [ __ ] starts talking I shoot him oh no this waist code is ruined so now he's dead and it plays a dramatic cutscene do you have the right time home [Music] though so finally after killing the last two guys you faced the main bad guy evil em he jitters around and whispers his lines it's like the voice actor didn't want to wake his parents in the next room let's get started it's anti-climactic to say the least so this time you spare evil ed and get the thrilling conclusion to the story if only the audio would stop cutting go on the middle I'll finish mouth off Billy but you mean your nut Billy Bob so it turns out you were in the wrong place at the wrong time you showed up to the wrong city and Ed thought you were someone else so you walk off to the saloon with evil em to grab a whiskey and then the game just kicks your ass back to the beginning well that's it and the good news is I never have to play the amiga cd32 ever again and just to make sure this time I'm sending this thing back to the depths of hell you know what [ __ ] this digital [ __ ] because this thing needs to be destroyed for real I'm not joking around I'm going practical I'm gonna do the real [ __ ] deal [Music] how's that the practical dad [Music] there you want a Christmas episode there now it's a Christmas episode so I think I've run out of shitty winter holiday games so you know what I'm gonna give a present to myself and just not play any shitty games no hang on a minute what's this a lovely cheese pizza just for you you got the wrong house I didn't order a pizza but I'll take it anyway oh not funny think of it as a gift you owe it to yourself to play those games I hear they're awesome no they're not besides I already reviewed both nes games that first one where you're laying traps around the house that are enclosed in square tiles for no reason where you're walking up the stairs like you took a dump and that second one where you're running through the hotel sliding on your knees fighting mops vacuum cleaners and suitcases and a chef that takes off his clothes I'm already done with that so get this [ __ ] out of here and you better believe I'm leaving a bad yelp review that's just the NES versions maybe the rest of them are better I mean look at how many of them there are I mean they can't all be bad can they I admit I haven't played the rest have you no but they all have Macaulay Culkin in them I mean how could you go wrong well maybe if they're not as bad as the NES games come on everyone in the world shits in these games and maybe you could change the rules mind I mean come on okay fine but you're not going anywhere you're gonna sit right here and suffer with me okay okay so we're gonna take care of some unfinished business here playing the rest of the home alone games with special guest the pizza boy yep that's me I'm the pizza boy pizza boy that's me home alone was a phenomenon in the 90s Kevin McCallister was a badass tactician and every kid back then wanted to be just like him fighting off the Wet Bandits and saving his house from getting looted yep yep me too I wanted to be just like him it was really handsome so of course with the movie being such a big deal there was bound to be tons of video game tie-ins and I mean like tons on every console imaginable there is home alone games on NES Super Nintendo Gameboy Sega Genesis game gear and even the PC and Amiga computers don't forget the European exclusive on the ps2 know the biggest anomaly of the group is definitely the ps2 version it was only released in Europe in 2006 yeah a while after the movie yeah but that movie is just timeless it is but this game by all known laws of physics in the universe has no right to exist the mere idea would baffle the greatest scientific minds of our time besides the style is completely different it doesn't look anything like the movies looks nothing like Macaulay Culkin I don't even know why we're even talking about so let's just pretend it doesn't exist agreed home on two on Gameboy is just home alone 2 on NES and home alone 1 on the NES is just ass I've talked about it before but the most ridiculous thing about the game is that to win you have to run around the house for 20 minutes seriously who the [ __ ] would sit and play this [ __ ] for 20 minutes you'd have to have some serious problems what are you trying to say man well Who am I to judge I'm sitting here playing games with a [ __ ] pizza boy Wow not cool you know I wonder what Macaulay Culkin's doing right now if he's ever played these games I wonder if he'd approve no I don't think he would know you say that like you have you met him before yeah you could say so oh my gosh hey you were in the home alone movies right yep you were in them yep you were the pizza boy in home alone yeah yeah I'm just I'm still a pizza boy I'm just wow that's very method that's amazing a little Pete's anyway let's move on with the games let's do the superintendent version now yeah let's do that you know what nerd I can feel it this one's gonna be good I feel it my pizza boy bones the object is to run around the house collecting valuable items to hide from the criminals you can only hold a certain amount when your hands are full you have to drop them down a laundry chute which leads into a giant vault in the basement or Goro's lair or whoever the hell this is look I know the movie was a long time ago and stuff but I don't remember Kevin gathering together candlesticks money bags and giant emerald rings and then throwing them down a laundry chute me but what do I know the items are found in the most random places like in a toilet well I found an entire goddamn pizza in a toilet Kevin would never grab anything out of a toilet ah yeah not even a pizza I'm sure of it yeah yeah I mean maybe I would have you know back in my head e days yeah you were grabbed something I have a toilet yeah you've ever had toilet pizza yeah yeah it feeds a [ __ ] yeah uh-huh anyway I liked you what is wrong with the McCallister's they have pizza hidden all over the house they have things hidden in bookshelves picture frames boxes the bathtub have you ever found anything in a bathtub before I found myself once mmm-hmm also who are these criminals that looks nothing like Joe Pesci do you think that looks like Joe Pesci mm not really I mean I haven't seen him in a while though I mean yeah they have Marvin Harry in there but who are all these generic cartoon mobsters there's guys who Pelt you with balls and odd job from James Bond you know it's totally unfair when you pick on job anyway I mean they could at least have the gangster from angels with filthy souls on there yeah keep the change I'd love to see more of that movie I want to see the rest yeah your main weapon is a water gun that does Diddley dick seriously it feels like every weapon is completely ineffective and every time you die you get Kevin screaming in your face and get used to it because you're gonna see it a lot I swear to God next time I see Macaulay Culkin's face I'm gonna Ram my [ __ ] fist right through it I should also mention that the game boy version is pretty much the same thing just with shittier graphics it's kinda like switching from getting kicked in the balls with steel toed boots to soccer cleats both [ __ ] suck but one sucks worse so in level 2 the items that you're collecting and hiding are toys yeah that's right Marv wants to steal his toys a throwaway line from the movie became an entire level at the end of each stage you have to go down the basement and fight a bunch of bats and rats that didn't happen in the movie I would know I was I was there then you always fight a boss including a giant spider and a ghost whenever I I mean when is Kevin had to deal with all this kind of [ __ ] oh the best is when you're collecting all the family pets that according to your dad are rare do they really think I grew up in a house where giant frogs roam free in the hall yeah we just had those suckers hopping all around all the time mr. frog house I've never had to collect 35 I've pets drop them down a laundry chute and into a bank vault are you [ __ ] kidding me what kind of [ __ ] does this game think I am I can't believe it get away with this I mean go to the store and you see your face on a cartridge and go like I'm gonna play with myself all day long every kid deserves a video game based on themselves am i right but no no they shat on me they shat on my legacy what am I gonna do wait a minute you're not a real pizza boy who your momma Culkin I'm playing home alone games with Macaulay Culkin really really never seen that before it's it's new let me just get back to the [ __ ] games right next up home alone two on Super Nintendo all right I'm sure they've learned from their mistakes yeah they're gonna get it all together mm-hmm and it's gonna be this it's gonna be our time yeah our time down here down here it's our time yeah this one should be better in fact why don't you play this one because after all they're your games so this is the sequel where I'm home alone in New York [Music] this looks very familiar it's like they just copied home alone - on NES because that one was so good killer vacuum cleaners floating mops violent suitcases and angry old ladies with umbrellas it's all back just like the NES version why is the entire hotel trying to kill me I mean they have a bunch of [ __ ] bombs behind the check-in desks I mean do they hate their child customers so much that they have to lob Lobby bombs at them and yes that was pretty hard to say so in the movie they're going after him because he stole a credit card but in the game they don't explain it stolen they're just going after a kid because he simply used a credit card gee credit card you got it and did you ever remember using a boxing glove gun in the movie that's your concern was this part so important they had to repeat it in this game like what's with the stripping chef why is the man upside down with his pants around his ankles weird man why it's weird man hold me so level two you're in Central Park where every criminal on the planet is after you bats now there's bats that's again you know there's too many bats when all the home alone games have bats skin didn't jump the shark could jump the bats was there one bat in the movie I mean honestly was there just one anywhere are you familiar with my work I thought I was now I'm not so sure me too hold me again okay with all seriousness explain to me nice letting into a Rhett who does that that's one hell of a way to take out a rat have you ever like called up terminex or something they come over and they start nice sliding through all the [ __ ] rats and why are the rats bloody do they have the plague oh and there's the pigeon lady just the friendly old pigeon lady trying to kill you she was your friend in the movie I mean yeah okay Kevin was scared of her at first but in the game they just make her full villain looks like I'm getting rid of my Turtledove because I guess they were running out of ideas for stage bosses I don't think they had any ideas to begin with I mean did you see the stripping chef because that's seared into my mind the next stage you're running around this confusing warehouse setting traps for Marvin Harry which at least follows the movie uh-huh but then you go back outside again to fight more bats then floating trash can lids I mean what does this take place in the Ghostbusters universe or something but we've now arrived at the cream of the crop you climb a giant tree with a freaky evil face you know once I had to find it demonic tree was terrible I don't know the game developers found that out demonic evil tree they they exist and this this happened to you do you remember like what um how did it happen I what was loved I know I know it's it's don't touch me back to the tree so you take out Marvin Harry on top of the tree the pigeon lady comes to help you're reunited with your mom the bandits are locked up and that's home alone - in a nutshell just like the movie both super nintendo games suck i thought at least one of them would be good if it sparks my good name I don't think I'll ever live this down the holding is back on okay don't worry Mac we'll find one that's good I promise cuz next up home alone on Sega Genesis oh god the game has you going around the neighborhood is Kevin on a rocket sled or something you go to different houses and lay traps for the Wet Bandits yeah torch them mmm the traps thing that's that's from the movie also you can find items to create weapons kind of like a crafting system pretty ambitious for a Sega game there's five different houses to protect there's this old house with breaking floors holy [ __ ] Kevin just fell through two floors of that house and he's totally fine all right it's pretty badass some of the houses have their own hazards in the mansion there's a crazy spider that attacks anyone who gets near it hates buzzes tarantula just like the movie so there's this house with this [ __ ] cat that claws the [ __ ] out of Kevin a futuristic house robots in a haunted house with the ghosts they'll tack Kevin if he gets near but they'll also [ __ ] up the Wet Bandits too so pretty much all you have to do is [ __ ] up the Wet Bandits enough before they loot the whole house you do this by filling up the pain meter by getting them to step on traps or shooting them save all the houses and the police will come and take them away and that's the genesis version huh my conclusion with this one is that it's a little cartoony take some liberties here and there but overall it's not too bad so you see Mac there's hope you really think so I think so because there's a second one on Genesis and this one I bet they learn from their mistakes I bet this one's gonna be even better so this is it we're just one little step away get ready crank up that puppy get ready for a good home alone game yeah [Music] well this is off to a frustrating start why is everyone in the entire airport trying to kill you what did Kevin do to instigate all this I mean maybe because they had me pelting innocent businessman baseballs here comes Kevin McCallister he gives them a big old concussion with a [ __ ] baseball right to the dome look at that ma'am I'm shooting a poor balloon salesman instilling these balloons to get past the TSA I reckon we have [ __ ] [ __ ] at least you get to see Kevin take out airport security with a water fountain and then they all just fall through the floor while Kevin just looks at you like what the [ __ ] what the [ __ ] in level two you're navigating through the cargo docks or whatever where they move the baggages I never would have imagined airports have a maze of conveyor belts moving platforms pipes and Pistons if you step on certain spots you get teleported to another area everywhere I try to go I get sent back and I have to do half the level all over again [ __ ] [ __ ] ah you give this a try [Music] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] he doing it's the worst one of all Wow people ask me why I'm so angry it's because these games ruined my childhood your childhood I mean it's bad enough that you have one bad game based on you but what about ten Mossad live I mean it's every boy's dream to be in a video game and then it turns you a [ __ ] nightmare a child nightmare just let it all out let it out go for the nerd rant this game is like poop from a buffalo but diarrhea it's gotta be diary a just don't for it okay I got it I'd rather do a human centipede with the Wet Bandits Marvin my mouth hair in my ass I'll turn them into the sticky bandits oh dude oh no think about it think about it close your eyes no I know I don't know and that's from the web series that brought you shredders my ass and splinters my balls nice well Mac sorry your games suck but I know something we can do to make us feel better [Music] [Applause] [Music] yes so uh you want to play good Sun on jaguar CD [ __ ] yeah let's do this all right that sounds good okay you [Music] you

Channel: Cinemassacre

Views: 2,327,132

Rating: 4.8310318 out of 5

Keywords: avgn season 12, angry video game nerd season 12, avgn season Twelve, angry video game nerd season Twelve, avgn first season, avgn, angry video game nerd

Id: gNiThpb5U8o

Length: 186min 33sec (11193 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 08 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/elbry34]

An awesome year for AVGN! I have seen alot of negative comments, but we had a new video every month, awesome guests, and alot of experimenting with the videos.

[u/cbartholomew]

Earthbound one was a fresh of breath air