Angry Video Game Nerd - Season 13 (AVGN Full Season Thirteen)

let's take a trip back to the early two-thousands PlayStation 2 Gamecube an original Xbox are duking it out but it's not getting all that console wars [ __ ] right now so anyways Square Enix which was still called squaresoft at the time is the RPG master with the long-running success of their Final Fantasy series and hot off the release of Final Fantasy 10 the company makes an announcement that at the time hit the world with shock and confusion enter Kingdom Hearts an ambitious crossover between the file fantasy universe and Disney yeah Disney if you were to see screenshots of the game in magazines at the time you'd think it was a joke but it wasn't in fact it was a big success and it was followed by Kingdom Hearts 2 in 2005 and since then everybody's been waiting for the third game but little did they know it wouldn't be out for 13 years now I'll admit I haven't played any of the games so far but with all the hype surrounding it and with the third game right around the corner I was wondering is it worth getting into I mean there's not that much to catch up with there's only three games right yeah well well well Kingdom Hearts is a massive series with about 20 games altogether containing sequels prequels remakes HD remasters and even concerts if you think you can play just the main three games and know what's up then Oh think again the first game starts off simple enough it tells the story of a boy named Sora who lives on the Destiny Islands with his friends the group dreams of leaving the islands and exploring new worlds but one night the islands are attacked by evil monsters called the Heartless to battle the Heartless Sora obtains the Keyblade it's not really a blade so much as a big [ __ ] key that you used to bash the ever-loving [ __ ] out of enemies with Sora defeats the Heartless that attack their home but the island is destroyed and at the same time this is happening Donald Duck and Goofy set out to find Mickey Mouse using a spaceship and end up landing in Traverse town where they meet Sora and begin their quest to find their friends and stop the Heartless it's a decent action RPG that stands up with squares usual quality of games the story can be kind of confusing but makes sense within the confines of the universe of establishes then the second game comes out and that's where it gets really nuts it starts you off in Twilight town as a new guy rock sis and his friends well that's fine but what happened to Sora Donald and Goofy these new characters are never mentioned anywhere in the first game but all of a sudden they're the main characters Sora Donald and Goofy don't even show up until about two hours into the game so what happened well it turns out to get the full story you have to play Kingdom Hearts chain of Memories on the Gameboy advanced before playing Kingdom Hearts two that's where Roxas gets introduced and it also gives the story in between the first and second game but come on you can't just stick some new characters in the main sequel without any explanation or proper introduction so now you have to get a Game Boy Advance if you don't already have one and play through another game just so you can be up to speed on part two okay imagine if you're watching the Back to the Future trilogy you finished the first one and can't wait to see what happens then the movie starts and it's just a bunch of new characters you've never seen before and doc and Marty finally show up 45 minutes into the damn movie then you find out you're supposed to listen to a book on tape before you watch it I guess it's also like how you have to sit through an hour of the awful Star Wars Holiday Special just to see the introduction of Boba Fett geez hopefully that's the last time I ever have to reference that unsalvageable waste of recording media however even if you do play it chain of Memories doesn't even explain who Roxas is it just introduces him Roxas is Sora's nobody in Kingdom Hearts when someone with a strong heart loses their heart they create a nobody so when Sora gave his heart to save Kyrie in the first game he created Roxas well that's all well and good but how about explained that [ __ ] most of the prequels and in-between games came out in 2008 and onward that's three years after Kingdom Hearts 2 is released and six after the first Oh in the names you want to get into the titles boy did they use every possible naming convention Under the Sun you have numbered games games using the Greek alphabet decimals and even fractions the game about Roxas is called that look that's the title I can't even think of any sequels in general that use fractions maybe The Naked Gun movies but off the top of my head that's about it I don't even know if it's intended to be a fraction after reducing it down it should be called Kingdom Hearts a hundred seventy nine days yeah yeah I know it's supposed to be 358 days between two characters but seriously the first time I saw this title I didn't even know how to read it is it 358 over two days is it 358 halves days no the way it's supposed to be red is Kingdom Hearts 3 5 8 days over - why not just call it Kingdom Hearts Roxas story while the convoluted cockamamie names the one that really takes the cake for me and get ready for this is Kingdom Hearts 0.2 birth by Sleep a fragment Ori passage that's a paragraph you have a decimal a subtitle and a tagline now that's a [ __ ] title so with that said let's finally start tackling this timeline it starts not with Kingdom Hearts 1 but with Kingdom Hearts key which was a japan-only browser-based game explaining the keyblade war nowadays it isn't even playable but the cutscenes were remastered in Kingdom Hearts HD 2.5 top row log for the ps4 what a mouthful this was followed by Kingdom Hearts birth by Sleep for the PSP then we have Kingdom Hearts 1 Kingdom Hearts chain of Memories Kingdom Hearts 3 5 8 days over - and Kingdom Hearts 2 after that is where it starts getting really weird or weirder after 2 we get Kingdom Hearts coded which only came out on Japanese mobile phones it was however later released as Kingdom Hearts re:coded on the Nintendo DS after Koated came Kingdom Hearts dream Drop Distance the first tongue twister sequel for the 3ds and the last game before Kingdom Hearts 3 was Kingdom Hearts 0.2 birth by Sleep a fragment Ori passage yeah that's what my favorites that right there is everything you need to know for Kingdom Hearts 3 so if you were following from the beginning just to get the full story you'd be spending hundreds of dollars or maybe even thousands between every game and console you need you know just to see mickey donald goofy and some anime kids beat the [ __ ] out of people with keys not to mention there is a concert in 2017 and 2018 with additional plot points but the only way you're going to see that now is if you build yourself a time machine so on top of the thousand dollars you're spending on the games you're also gonna have to spend millions to obtain plutonium to power a flux capacitor oh then again it's on YouTube luckily nowadays there's a ton of Kingdom Hearts compilations you can get that pack multiple games into one there's almost as many remakes and remasters as there are actual games in the series you have Kingdom Hearts HD 1.5 remix Kingdom Hearts HD 2.5 remix Kingdom Hearts HD 2.5 chapter prologue Kingdom Hearts HD 1.5 plus 2.5 remix and lastly Kingdom Hearts the story so far what a convenient title the story so far packs in everything you need to know the full story before Kingdom Hearts 3 drops and you don't need to understand complex mathematics or the Greek alphabet to play it with all the [ __ ] packed in well after the first and second game it makes me think they hadn't planned any of this the first game is pretty straightforward you travel to different Disney worlds to stop the Heartless and try to find your friends the plethora of side stories and prequels just makes me feel like they were desperately trying to keep the hype train running until the third game finally came out this series did essentially span three console generations so I can understand that they wanted to give the fanbase something to do in the mean time but I just wonder if they had this entire story planned or we're just patting it out to keep the interest going so for someone who's just now looking to play these games for the first time I'm kind of intimidated between all the entries in the series you're looking at over a hundred hours of gameplay and that's without even counting Kingdom Hearts 3 well G add that to the whole list of games in general that I'm trying to play it's gonna be another 13 years to do that I guess though by that time the third game will be old enough to do a proper angry nerd review but these games so far are pretty decent they provide a nice amount of playtime for your money and the worlds are diverse and interesting while the Disney stuff is kind of weird it never feels out of place in the games universe also now with Disney owning Star Wars and the Marvel Universe's it'll be cool battling alongside Jedi and Avengers will that ever happen maybe maybe not but maybe when Kingdom Hearts four drops in 2030 then we'll finally be able to see Sora Donald and Goofy team up with Han Solo Luke and Ironman or not but until then who knows how many prequels and spin-offs and side stories and 4k remasters and remakes and reboots and R equals we'll see only time will tell he's gonna take you back to the past to play the shitty games and suck ass brother [ __ ] Atari Sega nerd the angry video game nerd yeah when you were a kid in the 80s and especially the 90s it was all about running out to the mailbox to find that new issue of that videogame magazine because there was tons of them they were filled with awesome stuff previews for upcoming games new consoles walkthroughs codes and reviews in the past I've talked about Nintendo Power so it's about time I talk about the others some were about the brands and the consoles like atari age but others were more generic like game Pro and electronic gaming monthly and even into the millennium we had retro throwback magazines like videogame collector look at that guy what a nerd in today's age you can look up anything about games you want on the internet walkthroughs cheats reviews previews whatever back in the day if you wanted to know if a game sucked or how to find a secret or a get an infinite lives code you had to wait for one of these to come out monthly well let's start with the oldest magazine I have Atari age they came free with a subscription to the Atari Club they were pretty short reads to only about 15 pages each and they were all printed in Center City Philadelphia they didn't give much insight on if the game sucked they were mainly filled with fluff pieces about new games to buy and some articles but then again this was at our ease official magazine so what do you expect I mean Nintendo Power did the same thing remember it said Back to the Future had that distinct LJN style the first issue of Atari H has an awful interview with none other than pac-man filled with awful pack puns pac-man says I had what you'd call a well-rounded education I was involved in high school dramatics I played the lead in central highs production of man a la muncher ha I did more acting in college mostly theater in the round productions oh come on oh I love this issue right here ET on the cover might as well just had a sign that says the end is near Atari age also had some cool do-it-yourself type articles teaching you how to fix joysticks and even how to make your own left-handed joystick overall a fun magazine to pass the time or read on the [ __ ] later with the rise of Nintendo and Sega more magazines began popping up they expanded their coverage and became more in depth so here we have game players magazine video games in computer entertainment well that's a good one GamePro and electronic gaming monthly game players started out as game players strategy guide to nintendo games it's basically a knockoff of Nintendo Power but it's unofficial and has nowhere near the quality just look at these screenshots I understand capturing game footage back then wasn't as easy as it is now but look at this [ __ ] looks like they took the picture with a Polaroid then photocopied it 50 times and the covers are usually just the box art from whatever game they're covering sometimes they're all over the place look at this they basically took whatever videogames stereotypes they could and slap them on the front what game does this represent okay this guy he looks like rad Spencer from Bionic Commando mixed with Matthew McConaughey why is there a kid doing a hand playing on his shoulder skater kid looks just as confused as I do okay this might be the worst cover I've ever seen Super Mario 3 apparently I can't even tell what I'm looking at what is that thing what is that it looks like a mangled Easter egg or something holy [ __ ] they didn't even try you have what looks like Wario in the corner and someone must have sneezed all over the print the only thing that could possibly indicate that this is a Mario cover are the words imagine if you couldn't read you wouldn't have any idea what this was supposed to be you you wouldn't even know what it is I mean you just be sitting there trying to figure out what this puked out pastel piss picture is one thing that really twists my [ __ ] is the sheer number of ads the same one 900 number shows up three times in the same issue look at this face yeah laugh it up while you can kid your dad's gonna flip [ __ ] when he sees a 500 dollar [ __ ] phone bill I swear every other page is an ad look ad and look at this a picture of burnt toast that's so big it takes up more than a page I don't get it I don't get it the sad thing is I've reviewed most of the games advertised there's ads for hydlide super hide lied Street Fighter 2010 Silver Surfer Tiger Electronics Simon's quest Tiger electronic ninja guide and kid cool the power glove and even Bugs Bunny's crazy castle the most frequent ads I've seem to come across are shitty joysticks there's tons of them shitty joysticks shitty joysticks shitty joysticks everywhere I don't get it was there something wrong with the controller's that came with the system whoa lookee here the U Force R joysticks a thing of the past I hope not seeing as most these ads are for joysticks they trying to put themselves out of business not to mention they all suck ass through a crazy straw I like to call these shitty friend controllers because they were the controller's your shitty friend would make you use another thing I love are the ads for the most stupid useless [ __ ] look at this gaming gloves they're basically fingerless gloves except with a thumb could you imagine being that guy showing up to your friend's house with these stupid neon Batman gloves was holding a Nintendo controller really so bad that uh he needed protective equipment oh but it gets worse here you go the thumb master it's basically a bright purple cushioned condom for your thumb but it eliminates video-thumb have you ever in your life suffered from video-thumb well maybe Silver Surfer one of those games where you need a turbo controller and when you do your thumb will thank you thank you now these guys know how to make an ad right here it's a dude getting his nuts kicked in why why did they do this this is a real ad it's kicking them in the balls this one says we took some of the worst garbage on TV it turns in hook and turning into a great game yeah I bet here's an ad for a Game Boy light but really weirds me out is the kid in the back of the car no seat belt or anything what's even crazier is in later magazines they replace this ad with real-life people they put this kid's life in danger just to sell a shitty Gameboy light oh look at that an ad for the line of game boys [ __ ] from STD yeah I like how the word handy is in quotes yeah they just knew they were jerking off speaking of STDs and being handy there were tons of really adult ads out there too just look at some of these kick some balls monster bone pray for a full frontal assault size does matter and of course and the Sega dick PSM even did a swimsuit special what are they thinking the articles range from interesting and useful to downright idiotic one of the best features was the walkthroughs like right here they hand drew all the levels from Super Mario Land on Gameboy that's pretty cool and here's a walkthrough of Robocop 2 on NES man I wish I had found this when I reviewed it last year that game made me want to get my dick shot off by Robocop here's a letter from a kid who has a sister named awesome he actually sent in her birth certificate to prove it hopefully it was a copy here they talk about the home alone games and even promote the upcoming movie sequel and the home alone phenomenon yeah such a phenomenon you know that that guy right there he turned out to be a pizza boy the reviews are always a major part of these magazines they gave kids the insight on which games were worth their money and which ones they should avoid like the [ __ ] plague but sometimes these recommendations are really off the mark like right here contra 3 a game revered as a classic one of the best side-scrolling shooters on the Super Nintendo and they gave it 7 s then look at this [ __ ] Terminator 2 on the NES a game that's total [ __ ] and it's got 8 a 9 as seven and another eight are you kidding me Terminator 2 on NES has better scores than contra 3 yeah I mean that that's like saying I tasted a [ __ ] flavored ice cream I gave it a 10 out of 10 it was good trust me that's not the only [ __ ] thought here's double dragon 3 it's fun factor has a perfect score no way no way they included the B me and Jimmy screenshot well at least the caption has the correct name believe it or not there existed a magazine for the amiga cd32 the crazy thing is that the magazine kept coming out long after they stopped making the system and look at this they gave gloom a 92 out of a hundred thankfully my CD 32 is safely burning in hell where it belongs man the memories it's fun to read these knowing how the technology evolved they covered the breakthrough of laser discs virtual reality and all the new types of controllers here's the shitty Sega activator damn this guy could give Keith epic re a run for his money a lot of these magazines King with technology some being bundled with diskettes and demo CDs for the April issues game Pro would have a parody section lean Pro this was fun to read I love bubonic the blow frog and his pal snails yeah it was stupid but back then it was just cool to see people in the gaming industry making fun of games here's a piece about the ultimate gamer this guy's no joke he makes my Nintendo suit look like a cheap Halloween costume here's the top for hot videogame babes and for the ladies the top for hot videogame hunks the artwork was always great well not always but sometimes Oh in this picture this kids holding a ninja star and whipping out a yo-yo right as he's about to be brutally murdered by a skeleton oh and then check out this picture of Godzilla and kinda King Kong and they're both really shiny for some reason this picture I don't know what is going on it's just hideous when it came to drawing a link for some reason they always had a problem here he is on the cover of Nintendo strategies at least I think it's him oh and this link looks more like a villain than a hero he's pretty scary Zelda's just over there chilling with agging him she doesn't even look like she wants to be saved she's probably horrified by links demon spawn face this one's not so bad but link looks really pissed and this one here it's like Tim Allen playing link here's some fanart some of it is really amazing but some of it as you can see it's [ __ ] and I know that's not nice because it's probably some young kid who drew it but the kids grown up now so we can handle its [ __ ] just flipping through these magazines it's like opening up a time capsule you just can't go wrong so let's end with a top 5 it's the Nerds top 5 most nineties moments in gaming magazines number 5 crime wave look at this scene I mean look at this okay you have this guy screaming and then you have this guy with these cool shades and then this girl who looks like she's falling asleep or something is this Dan from Street Fighter Alpha there's this guy with the backwards hat wearing pajamas carrying a [ __ ] gun and then on the ground there's all this money and guns and bullets and cocaine yeah and the text they're talking about drugs it's cocaine in a gaming magazine number four this gang right here you got this badass biker granny there's bowtie where and nerd this cool gamer kid this punk-ass mohawk [ __ ] and then this valley girl sitcom star and then a bulldog with the same sunglasses as the kid and it's all for a pictionary game yeah pictionary number three an ad for socks the cat rocks the hill you got Bill Clinton jammin on the sax and sucks the cat coming out with this real badass looking grin what the hell and this is for a real game now that's nineties as [ __ ] number two Wow Wow look at this kid he's saying I mean look at this he's just cruising through the galaxy surfing through space with those badass sunglasses and knee pads and that tiger electronic game of narc yeah [ __ ] 90s and at last number one all these glorious goddamn mullets business in the front party in the back the iconic haircut of the decade you want to look like a bad [ __ ] that plays real hard guzzles Jolt Cola and watches nothing but MTV you got a roll 1090 my dude that's 10% up front 90 round back look at this joke cool sumbitch that's a guy who knows all the tips and tricks yeah [ __ ] man these games I tell you know that one's alright though uh put that one man most these games are [ __ ] reminds me I'll be right back Aladin what the [ __ ] Aladin token upper Decker in my toilet Aladdin took it upper Decker huh the Aladdin deck enhancer what the hell is this thing do it enhances your deck does it give me a new Charbroil grill some new patio furniture or something ah upgrade your Nintendo Entertainment System Wow really designed by the inventors of game genie that thing that helps you cheat and enter all kinds of crazy codes the game genie was awesome so I bet this thing will be pretty cool 64k memory upgrade for better graphics bigger games nice Aladdin is the future in console gameplay okay let's see it upgrade my NES games maybe it'll take shitty games and turn them into good games huh doesn't fit oh I see it has its own special cartridges look at that extensive library 6 games plus its own pack entitled Izzy the adventurer if only I had those special Aladdin deck games did somebody say Aladdin Oh are these all the games here yes nerd it's a whole new world of gaming I'll show you a whole new world of pain all right oh you know what that [ __ ] didn't give me micromachines hmm I'll just buy it on the Internet alright let's see wait a minute this isn't Micro Machines for the Aladdin deck enhancer this is a Micro Machines thermos made by some company called Aladdin and it's dirty for 20 years really stiffens the joints time to stretch okay first Aladdin upper decks my toilet now a genie comes out of a thermos this review is getting pretty lucky since you freed me I'm gonna grant you some wishes nerve huh well I guess I wish for a copy of micromachines on the Aladdin deck enhancer thanks that's actually a pretty lame wish I just made so what's your second wish oh nice I get more you get three wishes away good all right well then I wish for you to go swimming in a septic tank you wait what yeah you heard me a sewage skinny-dipping the most foul disgusting jam-packed septic tank that you could possibly find okay that's my song Oh oh yeah and if he comes back I'm coming up with something even better for my third wish anyway let's play the games first let's start with the packing game dizzy the adventure so the first thing you got to do you take the cartridge you serve it into the enhancer like this mmm yeah it's just something about that it's just so satisfying you know that's some good hmm cartridge insertion there all right let's get on with the game what the [ __ ] that almost killed me I guess my top loader took one too many bad games well no worries I have some alternatives well I tried every system I own that plays NES games no works so again it's time to consult the internet so let's take a look at the Aladdin deck enhancer wait a minute he has two of them nobody has two who would own multiple copies of something that shitty if you try to use it on a top loader it could potentially fry your system it also needs well learn that the hard way so it doesn't work in anything except the original NES hang on okay so I tried all three of my original NES models first one didn't work second one didn't work and the third one that's baby it works alright time to play dizzy and Daisy were walking through the woods searching for pogey their pet fluffle what's a fluffle they accidentally stumble onto the evil wizard Zacks castle when Daisy gets a spell put on her and falls into an endless magical sleep and now it's up to dizzy to save her okay the game starts you off in this cave with a few items and a locked door grab the items and use them to get out of the room you burn the pile of straw with the match you throw some water on there uh okay so I guess don't get too close oh come on okay I feel a little better now all right let's try get off the first screen so you get out of a cave and walk around you find an item you talk to a character and you use the item it's an interesting game but kind of boring now the one thing I'm really confused about here this doesn't look any better than a regular NES game didn't they say that this was gonna upgrade it in what way is this enhancing my NES it didn't work and most of them even destroyed one you know what is it at all possible just maybe I've been lied to so yeah Dizzy's pretty bland like a hard-boiled egg which is exactly what it is yeah sorry on the next game next we have the fantastic adventures of dizzy hohoho I bet it's fantastic it's a bit brighter than the last game and has more colorful graphics but the gameplay is worse in some parts this time he doesn't die in one hit at least but he's still just as lame using items here is not as easy as in the first one you have to make sure you pick them up in the right order otherwise you drop them I have no idea what to do and I don't care to find out these games are irredeemably boring I mean after all it's an egg solving puzzles all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't get their [ __ ] [ __ ] put together next game uh uh ha big nose freaks out holy [ __ ] you clay as big nose the caveman slipping and sliding all over a slimy shitty putrid mess of horrid graphics the game kind of feels like a mix between Sonic the Hedgehog and Adventure Island but with all the fun taken out you bounce on mushrooms and collect bones you can get a rock ball or whatever it is to shoot at enemies without it you have a club that's damn near useless you have to be extremely close to an enemy to hit them so most the time you just take a hit and die oh and the sound oh it's like an Atari game or Mega Man on Dass I do like this intro though with the savings and bones bank good pretty decent pun but they [ __ ] it up with bones are us it's not even clever I hope they went out of business too next we have Linus space heads cosmic crusade starts off like a point-and-click then it goes the basic platforming with some of the worst possible controls Linus moves as slow as duck [ __ ] and twice as slippery trust me duck [ __ ] slippery once Linus jumps you'd better be ok with where he's going because you can't control him after he leaves the ground no mid-air steering you know like Mario also he dies in one hit so if I'm not jumping off cliffs I'm jumping into enemies either way I die Linus space head more like Linus [ __ ] head here we have Quattro adventure and Quattro sports each contained four different games for four times the suckage let's start with quattro sports and the first game on here baseball hitting feels ok but the ball moves really slow oh and pitching and fielding those are even worse I can't figure out how to throw different pitches and the players on the field take forever to get to the ball they just casually stroll around like they don't give a [ __ ] yet my advice if you're a baseball fan play any other nes baseball game any of them next is BMX simulator more like crashing and falling simulator I can't stay on the bike for more than eight seconds the controls about as shitty as that movie rad BMX soccer simulator for those who want a raging headache and motion sickness with their soccer games the game always switches your control to the player closest to the ball which should make sense but everytime it switches I'm not ready and end up running all over the place soccer ball looks like a pepperoni pizza 2 3 sucky quattro sports games down and one more to go pro tennis Wow look at this deranged dude maybe he really likes tennis the game ranges from playing like ass to playing like shitty ass the serve seems to do whatever at once the window to hit is so precise and seems to change whenever it feels like it sometimes I can get it and even ace the computer but most the time I fall you control where you hit with the d-pad but sometimes when I'm trying to aim the ball I end up missing because I ran past it oh well it's a Quattro adventure for more shitty games let's go great Quatro adventure includes more dizzy and Linus [ __ ] head ah Treasure Island dizzy is definitely the worst one so far it's slow and choppy and once again dizzy dies from everything the worst are these death traps that just come out of nowhere and kill you with one hit how is that fair a cage that wasn't even on screen killed me how the hell is anyone supposed to avoid that I swear this game was made to piss people off and make them get buyer's remorse look at this I try to get the money that's in shallow water but dizzy dies this is a beginners trap if I've ever seen one what kind of video game character can't tread water that's just above their head could you imagine going to a pool or something and the second your head goes underwater you die instantly so [ __ ] this game and [ __ ] dizzy Linus [ __ ] head again ah I see the other game Linus cosmic crusade was actually the second game this is the first so forgive me for reviewing them out of order if you care the first level is an underwater level a hole boy if you were dizzy you would have started the level as a corpse you ride bubbles to the top but watch out they pop and have a completely random pattern and you have limited time if you're not fast enough Linus drowns even after you get to the top he still loses oxygen is he so stupid he just forgets to stop holding his breath the next level has killer coconuts everywhere lonnis has the same [ __ ] controls as the other so I just died [ __ ] Linus boomerang kid the beginning shows this dumb character there's a little movie thing playing at the bottom boomerang kid throws a boomerang and clatters himself and he gets harassed by a kangaroo when the intro shows the main character being harassed by a kangaroo and collaborating with a boomerang you know it's gonna be some [ __ ] you run around and collect boomerangs you can't attack and die in one hit that's all there's nothing else to say and the last quattro adventure game super Robin Hood you run around collecting Keys treasure and opening doors Robin Hood has this goofy smile all the time it's slow and monotonous like every other game so far and remember this isn't just Robin Hood this is super Robin Hood more like pooper Robin Hood one funny thing though when you die you explode into hearts Robin Hood explodes into hearts yeah well all these Aladdin games have sucked so far but I'm hoping I saved the best for last Mike machines mighty machines Mike machines build the shitty power feel the sockets dual attraction grats Cosette the salmon shed - [ __ ] seeing the eyes of folks and ears and sucking Fox and [ __ ] sucks it [ __ ] blows it to peace [ __ ] it's actually not that bad Micro Machines is a decent deviation from the dismal disgusting Dodgers to the Aladdin deck enhancer reminiscent of other racing drops resembling Arcee prom and super offroad it's a radical righteous recreational racing way down that brought to you by the great and grand glue race your miniscule mechanisms on a mirror of marvelous micro marathons choose from a cavalcade of creative and compelling courage and collected crowd congregation of conveyances to put in your car carrier all in all an acceptable addict addition to the American anthology of Nintendo associated mutants but there's one little problem this game seems very familiar I know I've played it before but not on the deck enhancer I'm pretty sure I own this on NES I knew it micromachines it's one of those weird-ass gold carts those third-party unlicensed titles from the unholy alliance of Comerica and Codemasters they're distinguished by those mysterious switches on the back the switches have two positions a and B what are they for hmm position B only use this position if the game does not work with position a I guess this really confused the [ __ ] out of any kids unfortunate enough to own one of these faecal frisbees but the real purpose was to bypass the NES lockout chip which worked differently depending on which model any ester using hence the need for the switch they could have just said to hack the lockout chip use a or B don't tell Nintendo but the games can't be exactly the same right 64 K memory upgrade better graphics bigger games but this is all just marketing hype the Aladdin deck enhancer is no different than a standard Comerica cartridge the games are exactly the same there's no difference the deck enhancer is an add-on that adds nothing they sold you the same games with some assembly required it will be like getting a new sprayer for your garden hose but it doesn't fit unless you get some special adapter so you buy the adapter but the sprayer still doesn't fit so now you have to find a completely different sprayer that only exists in special stores and then you find out it works the same as the old sprayer doing no better job washing away the horseshit actually there was some purpose theoretically it was meant to reduce costs the deck enhancer contains most of the necessary chips that make a regular NES game work so the Aladdin games could be smaller and cheaper the mentality was that you invest in a deck enhancer and then build up your collection for a low price well no thank you I think I'll just stick to my regular third-party unlicensed crappy Comerica games oh but of course there was that one exclusive game dizzy the adventure does that one make it worth it no it doesn't that box is a prime example of false advertising upgrade your Nintendo Entertainment System more like up or decking it and that's not a joke I mean it it is the electronic equivalent of an upper Decker with the Aladdin the components that normally go inside an NES cartridge are instead deposited into the deck in the same way the turds which are usually preferred to land in the toilet bowl are instead dumped into the upper tank therefore when the toilet is flushed the bowl fills with [ __ ] water and after that it's the [ __ ] that keeps on giving would you consider that an enhancement to your toilet well give it a try and you'll know exactly what the Aladdin does to your NES why does the box say Aladdin is the future in console gameplay the Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo we're already out that's like saying you invented a brand new car that's got new safety features and uses clean energy but it's got pillows tied to it and it runs on coal this thing had no future at all all the coming soon games were cancelled and Comerica went out of business right after this thing was released they went out of business right after was announced it was at that sentence a curse a curse that shroud just released status an all-consuming mystery not even the gaming historian found any clear proof that it ever got officially released I be sure it got made and and discovered thanks to inventory Liquidators and ebay but but if this thing never officially came out that not only did it not have any future it didn't have any past either how am I supposed to take you back to the past when there is no [ __ ] past I have no business complaining about something that didn't even come out I wasted my breath why did I have to find this thing I might as well just be digging into the devil's [ __ ] [ __ ] what are you doing back here look man I'm just here to grant you last week so I can get out of here oh yeah that's right I get one more wish okay well for my last wish I wish you know I think we both suffered enough yeah so I wish every Aladdin deck enhancer on the whole planet earth will [ __ ] explode what the [ __ ] what the [ __ ] the Aladdin deca dancer will not try only balls what the hell just happened what the hell not my Aladdin Dec enhancer collection Oh wasn't too bad yeah he's the angry video game learn the 90s was arguably one of the best times for videogames we had so many new consoles coming out and with junk food being popular and already advertising to kids they decide to jump on the bandwagon and start making their own videogames most food companies just stuck the TV commercials got milk fruit stripe gum Lunchables and of course Mentos the freshmaker those companies didn't have to make video games but guess who did Cheetos McDonald's and Domino's Pizza who created yo noid what's the deal with the noid what kind of drugged-up fever dreams spawned this mutilated mascot monstrosity it's a creepy guy wearing a red rabbit suit and why does he ruin pizzas what were they thinking most junk food games were just a bunch of business [ __ ] from the wasted imaginations from all the corporate fat cats so get out your pooper scooper and let's dig out this piss litter of a game well what the [ __ ] you scared the [ __ ] out of me not this [ __ ] actual [ __ ] listen I gotta play this game you gotta get out of here what drink how do you play drink what kind of title is that the back is in Japanese and the side has the title in Japanese and then the other side has it in English Pepsi man Pepsi man Pepsi man okay so Pepsi man is this weird t1000 look in Japanese Pepsi mascot who helps people by magically turning things into Pepsi in all his TV commercials he's a bumbling idiot who stumbles around smashes into windows and transforms into a cactus even though he was only marketed in Japan all his commercials take place in the USA he even starred in his own video game and was also featured as an unlockable character in the Japanese version of fighting Vipers for the Sega Saturn to unlock him all you got to do is lose the first fight never seen that before you lose to unlock a character well thanks Pepsi man that's very interesting but I have other junk food games I could play like cool spot oh come on oh well I could always play chester Cheetah well how about a big bumpin man how about a kool-aid man goddamn it you silly [ __ ] I don't want to play Pepsi man okay geez I'll play Pepsi man well in the chance that you were looking forward to cool spot or yo annoyed can't playing because they're all Pepsi man now everything I want to play is Pepsi man yeah well I guess let's pop this corporate [ __ ] [ __ ] in the intro starts with this live action cutscene of a guy buying a Pepsi as he drinks it you hear the shrill shriek of Pepsi man set to surf music and then he stares into the can okay so is Pepsi man in the can now I don't even get it I mean this is [ __ ] stupid I'm not playing play it I'll play it next we see Pepsi man running down Street to know where as he crashes face-first into the games logo the hell's wrong with this mascot Chester cheetah was cool cool spot had cool in his name but Pepsi man he's not cool at all he doesn't make me want to drink up Pepsi makes me want to drink a [ __ ] beer what I said it makes me want to drink a [ __ ] beer oh come on alright wow that's a lot of Pepsi I bet his bowel movements are like tar and colon foam so the first level starts off with Pepsi man meeting a truck driver with a flat tire and the word is that they're just about to riot really no riot why is Pepsi such a big deal here is that one vending machine the only place to get a Pepsi in this town I mean there's Pepsi everywhere it's laying all over the streets you can get one anywhere so Pepsi man runs around collecting Pepsi while dodging cars pedestrians Pogo jackhammer [ __ ] shuds and this garbage man who's being an [ __ ] look they wait for him at the intersection and then start launching garbage out the truck dicks Pepsi man doesn't give any shits either he'll run right through your house hell he'll even run right in you and send you flying through your kitchen wall that guy's probably dead this part reminds me of the chase scene and raising Arizona but instead of Nicolas Cage it's Pepsi man and instead of Huggies it's Pepsi's here he crashed through a shed and end up with a trash can on your head which makes your controls opposite yeah finally I get to the end of the level and he buys a Pepsi from a vending machine why don't the people go to this one at the kid and kids store instead of riding like a bunch of Pepsi crazed freaks and why does Pepsi man buy a Pepsi when he just collected 94 Pepsi's and why can't I go one goddamn sentence without saying Pepsi mm-hmm that's enough for maze games too monotonous oh it smells like tooth decay here have some Mentos wow that worked thanks to Mentos Mentos the freshmaker ah well [ __ ] it I'll just keep going so in level two there's this radical skateboard part it sucks the controls feel stiff and one hit kills you I guess it makes sense if you were riding a skateboard down the hills and crashed into a trolley you'd be dead now a moving company's trying to kill Pepsi man too they're just driving with the truck wide open launching furniture Adam that's someone's furniture imagine if you hire a moving company to load up all your furniture and you get to the new house and then it arrives the van is empty and you're like hey where the hell's all my furniture and they say oh yeah yeah we saw a Pepsi man on the way over and we had to just chuck it all at him yeah that'll be $500 so finally you make it to the rioters who are going apeshit by this Pepsi machine this one's at a different kid in kids store and this one lady's biting her shirt or something and this guy's jacking off Pepsi man gives them Pepsi and all as well that is until the Pepsi truck smashes into you sending you into a Pepsi billboard with a giant Pepsi can that rolls after you Indiana jones-style now being chased yeah this time I'm running towards the camera instead of a way way to shake up the gameplay there I hate this I wish I had something Whittier to say but there's really nothing I mean this game is this mindless brain waste it's it's an advertisement that's meant to push processed poison piss that a Pepsi man's pee hole speak of the devil you're back what's that you got there that's not Pepsi that's a rolling rock an actual rolling rock you know what Pepsi man is actually pretty cool cheers buddy this isn't rolling rock it's it's not even beer this is Crystal Pepsi and it sold like what is it from the 90s it's all flat you know what [ __ ] you your [ __ ] and your game is [ __ ] have a Pepsi no thanks next stage this is the next part you got to get to the top of a burning building the firefighter can't get first aid to them in time so of course you bring them Pepsi oh yeah I'm sure that'll help all the people trapped on the roof of a burning [ __ ] building yeah treat their burns with some Pepsi thanks to Pepsi man this level is horrifying it's like society's final days brought to you by Pepsi this guy here smashes his car into a brick wall and explodes but Pepsi man just runs by that guy's probably dead but I gotta get those people Pepsi so after traversing this urban hellscape you get to this truck that keeps launching barrels yeah I guess Donkey Kong's in there and he hates Pepsi man as much as I do after that you get to the most unsafe construction zone ever girders are falling apart sections of the bridge are missing these guys are just swinging metal beams and the bulldozers are just spinning around what's happening here Pepsi man stops to buy yet another Pepsi and falls into one of my most hated video game cliches ever the sewer level this is where the [ __ ] graphics really shine it's so dark that you can't see where you're going there's pitfalls everywhere and the only reason I know they're there is because I fell into them 50 times I feel like it'd be easier in real life to run through a sewer and collect Pepsi right here I swear you have no choice but to get hurt by this wall there's no way to pass it and even when you do there's a narrow path you need to hit or else you're starting over another part that's [ __ ] is the subway section I don't know what to do there's a train coming right at you with no time to avoid I tried dodging it but I get killed every time then after restarting the level like 12 times I accidentally found the - function yeah hitting up and square lets Pepsi man - how was I supposed to know that on the control screen it only shows slide and jump maybe it says it in the book but it's all Japanese at the rate I'm going I'll probably learn Japanese before I finish this game he's calling it oh come on come on nobody's calling you hello oh I guess it is for you oh come on don't you know how hard it is to find a good phone like this so finally I reach the burning building and give the poor stranded people some Pepsi then I get chased by the truck from the inner sandman music video it's basically the same as the giant Pepsi can from the first level just a bit harder eventually Pepsi man turns down the road as the truck smashes through a building it seems like no one in this world has value for human life just a [ __ ] Pepsi look at that the truck smashes into something and Pepsi man pays no mind and just keeps on running like Forrest Gump Pepsi for TV game not video game TV game it makes sense yeah from now on I'm the angry TV game nerd here we go onto the next disaster that requires Pepsi this time it's a [ __ ] plane crash jeez there's lots of tragedy in this game thankfully all the people are ok but they need their Pepsi god damn it so you guessed it more running it's the same thing over and over this time you're going down a highway with traffic coming on both sides which begs the question why doesn't Pepsi man just run on the side of the road there's trucks motorcycles buffalo and a bunch of rocks rolling but no rolling rocks you get to the end and Pepsi man once again buys a Pepsi at a vending machine you know Pepsi man is a rather sad tale Pepsi man can make Pepsi for everybody except himself this next stage is a nightmare after beating the desert you run through the mine or you can't see [ __ ] how is anyone supposed to play this there's pits everywhere but good luck seeing them it doesn't help that if you get a game over you have to run through the desert part again you're gonna be here for a bit each time I get a little further and then die at whatever came next this part is like really having the piss and knowing the next rest stop isn't for 200 miles so about an hour later when I happen to do less shitty enough I finally deliver those poor plane crash victim they're Pepsi and of course another chase level this time I want you to guess who chases Pepsi man because it makes no sense is it Buffalo nope nice try motorcycles keep guessing rolling rocks no again this time you get chased by a giant tumbling mass of logs Pepsi for pizza Pepsi for pizza yeah actually a pizza would be pretty good right about oh thanks I hate you okay so thankfully we're on to the final level Pepsi City a dystopian urban sprawl that should pose as a warning of rampant consumerism it's a place that's completely comprised of advertisements imagine of roddy piper wore the sunglasses from they live here his head would explode honestly seeing all these pepsi logos and playing this game is doing the exact opposite of making me one of pepsi it makes me want not a pepsi so this time the computer at the Pepsi Factory is gone haywire and without Pepsi man's help there'll be a world shortage of Pepsi so Pepsi man must run you're gonna die here a [ __ ] ton of times this is a culmination of all the frustrating [ __ ] and then some this has to be the most unhealthy city in the world it's no wonder people are keeled over on the side of the street how about drink some water and my help one thing I don't understand is why every sign in this game falls off when Pepsi man gets near it are the signs sentient creatures been on inconveniencing Pepsi man everything is so precise for such a piece of [ __ ] game it took me the same amount of time to beat the stage then every other stage combined I game over 13 times each continue you get four lives plus I died three more times before I finally passed it maybe I just suck maybe the game sucks maybe we both suck but either way that's too much suckage around this last section you can't hit anything or you're dead and you only have a few seconds to do it but finally I've made it to the computer core and the world can have their precious Pepsi's onward to the last chase level this time it's another giant Pepsi can that falls off two columns seriously Pepsi City and the rest of the world for that matter needs to find a decent structural engineer everything's falling apart this time the can just Falls for no reason what if a regular person happen to walk under this thing there'd be lawsuits out the ass this last level is like the log one except it's a Pepsi can that gives birth to baby Pepsi cans that try to trip you when you beat it the TV game guy flips his [ __ ] the credits roll and then he has to piss because the ungodly amount of Pepsi he's consumed beating it unlocks classic Pepsi man and free play mode if you want to play through and collect all the Pepsi's I say however [ __ ] that good riddance the end well--that's Pepsi man I'm not gonna play it again as classic Pepsi man or unlock other [ __ ] or whatever so I'm done get the hell out of here huh I finally found you oh come on how these [ __ ] keep getting in here wait a minute do I know you burp super TV dude oh you're you're the Pepsi TV game guy hey why do you say TV game instead of video game there's no time to explain that now I'm here to finally destroy that menace Pepsi man that's right [ __ ] knock it off okay I bought us some time Pepsi man has to be stopped he's pure evil and he'll stop at nothing until the entire universe is Pepsi it's very interesting like I give a [ __ ] though can we talk about this TV game thing don't you get it he will stop at nothing and take away everything you love everything you cherish and care about and turn it into Pepsi he gets you hooked and slowly destroys your life there is a time when my refrigerator was jam-packed with wholesome nutritious foods lettuce almond milk tofu flavored tofu and that was all taken away and turned into Pepsi he turned my dog into Pepsi remember old cans strewn about in the living room some of those aluminum cans were my wife and my children I had to sell scrap from Mike and family just to pay for their funeral he broke me he destroyed me he ruined me yeah I understand he turned my beer in a Pepsi you gotta help me nerd you gotta help me help me avenge my family okay well how do we stop him I'm glad you asked I've been working on a secret weapon for two decades and I've hidden it in the one place he'd never look I know he hid it behind me no the TV guy you saved me you came in does it look like I'm okay factory go factory factory factory of course this Factory Oh Oh what am I gonna do of course the freshmaker well I'm [ __ ] dead holy [ __ ] I need a vacation well that explains the t-shirt is he dead bah that's orange soda you ever makes : orange soda Germans love it they call it speci it's disgusting he's terminated it's over no not yet there's still one more Pepsi man remaining really and it must be destroyed also Oh can you at least tell me what that Pepsi for tv-game thing means actually I don't remember any of that my brain is literally just chunks of Pepsi now here use these chains to lower me down into the orange soda so I can die a real cinematic like death the death I deserve a hero Pepsi for funerals he's gonna take you back to the past to play the shitty games and suck ass he'd rather have a buffalo all a second the angry video game nerd time to do a super game Super Mario 64 no that's right it's back I already played this game I already showed you how bad it is but it gets worse much worse first a little background I complained already they should have used the Superman theme you know by John Williams but I didn't know at the time this was based on the Superman animated series it was the second and what's often called the Timbers or DC Animated universe which consisted of the highly acclaimed batman the animated series the new Batman adventures Batman Beyond static shock the Zeta project which absolutely no one remembers then finally Justice League and Justice League Unlimited with a few features sprinkled here and there Superman in the animated series helped bring a lot of the mythology from the comics to a whole new audience characters who are often excluded from previous TV or film incarnations finally got more attention and has since gained popularity and shown up in other shows and movies it was regarded as a great series so it's surprising it led to one of the worst games ever made alright enough for the history lesson let's get on with the [ __ ] so here's an interesting detail I missed before the story of the game is that Lex Luthor has hidden Lois Lane Jimmy Olsen and Emma Hamilton in his virtual world that's right this entire video game takes place inside a video game you'd think a genius like Lex Luthor would use his ability to create anything in a virtual world and come up with some crazy obstacles or enemies for Superman to face so what did he decide on you know rings yeah not messing around this time so pick it up from last time after another round of rings I have to fight a few shadow men out I'm gonna land and just punch them no I can't land cuz they're under me oh and now I'm through the floor and then then oh yeah yeah of course I should have expected something like that these guys are not hard to take out but I can't land when you're not flying at full speed you just hover I can't get to the last guy in time ah [ __ ] finally I'm able to punch all them and get through another round of rings and then I end up having to save three people from tornados this should be really easy you should just be able to use your super breath no he has no super breath he just blows oh you have to collect your super powers oh okay so I get the super breath I go the tornado but I can't slow down in time by the time I activate my power the tornado is too far away and kills people one time I was lucky enough to get both tornadoes in time at the right point and blow them away but guess what these tornadoes come back as the final boss in another Superman game now I'm in sort of a damn goddamned damn these levels are nothing but mazes full of backtracking you got to throw robots and cardboard boxes in the lasers find the keycard go back to the beginning flick a switch on a computer blow up more robots avoid a giant electric eel during the dam and then a guy tells you to disarm some bombs before the clock runs out gee where have I heard that one before luckily you could pick up the SuperSpeed powerup that should help Oh oh dear uh where am I the Phantom Zone oh gee and you have to start the whole level over because there's no checkpoints on the way the bombs you have a boss fight with mala she was like the cartoons version of Ursa from Superman - all right here we go get ready for this epic boss battle well that was anticlimactic you know it's bad when the level enemies are harder than the boss let's see what's next what could possibly follow that up then there's no time to waste no no way no they move why do they have to move oh wow yeah they really changed it up you know it's a scary thought what if this was some kids first exposure to Superman maybe they got the game for Christmas or their birthday or something they hear about this awesome guy who can do anything and then they pop the game in and it's nothing but [ __ ] rings this would ruin the character Superman for anybody if the rings weren't enough to do it for you this weird 3d face will well this is the ugliest digital Superman face I've ever seen second dog list all right now I'm at this puzzle yeah a puzzle where I have to use different computers to make these letters say Luthor I'm sure there's probably some pattern or strategy but all I did was keep clicking until it got solved not sure how I did it and I don't care now we get to Luther's office where we fight Brainiac one of the most badass Superman villains he let Krypton die has knowledge from worlds all over the universe can shoot blasts of energy from his hands and once mind controlled Batman this is definitely going to be a good boss fight is it too much to ask for just to have one decent boss fight the levels are so complex don't you think a good boss fight would have made it all worthwhile somebody didn't think so hey you know what at least it's not rings then there's no time to waste you want to know the worst thing about these ring levels right when you're getting the hang of it the game will glitch and send you flying across the map for no goddamn [ __ ] reason so you have to backtrack or restart the next level you have to save Lois from metallo it's more the same throw boxes kill shadow people fight robots figure out [ __ ] puzzles the hard part's when you have to escort Lois out of the level you'd think it'd be easy just pick her up and fly right no she has to run Oh Oh did I say run I wish she sprints for a second gets to a hallway and then slowly strolls the rest of the way move move oh come on move you can't even run ahead in just a little bit and take out some shadow guys before she reaches them if you get too far away a shadow guy will spawn in front of her and I'm so sick of saying shadow guy so you're forced to watch or take every step toward the exit which feels like it's ten thousand miles away okay time to fight metallo a cybernetic creep with the brain of a mercenary and a heart made of Kryptonite let's see how much of a challenge he is again and there's no time to waste so then you get to this parking garage stage it's a huge pile of ass no really this thing is a [ __ ] behemoth really it's like a moldy turn I'd rather be impaled by a piss icicle on top of that there's a time limit and kryptonite that's slowly killing you ooh time to take on Darkseid now he's the strongest of Superman's upon in the cartoon so let's see what's gonna happen here oh boy this is gonna be some serious [ __ ] glitched again now I gotta play that whole maze all over oh man this game is such [ __ ] I'd rather lick the [ __ ] of a thinner Gary and snare beast so rinse and repeat here we go Darkseid again oh wait I have that heat vision let me try that okay this is working alright we have to use my fists here oh okay come back oh there he is alright I got him oh wait a minute huh I have to drag him to the police now yeah Darkseid the ruler of apocalypse commander of armies of parademons a new God who can shoot Omega beams from his eyes he's just gonna go the regular police yeah throw him in a Cell with Bruno Mannheim he'll be fine and then after another round of rings yeah you know I'm getting used to at this point I get this level where I have to rescue a Mel Hamilton from parasite this level is actually pretty decent the map is smaller and the directions are more clear and precise also you defeat the boss in a clever way so all in all it's a pretty decent level there's only one problem I keep falling through the map look at this I broke the boundary I'm on the outside of the game looking in break the boundaries of existence superior gameplay lets you exceed the laws of physics superman 64 is 64 times the awesome so after that you do more rings big surprise and then we're at a subway not the fast-food place but the actual subway and it's the same stuff you'd expect flying around the aimlessly backtracking yada yada but then it turns into a real [ __ ] show when you have to do another escort mission and this guy is worse than Lois when enemies are close you have to make sure he doesn't get hurt so how do you keep him safe by using your super breath and encasing him in ice well I've seen Superman do lots of crazy things but putting them in ice like how do they breathe how do they stay alive why am I asking you look at this [ __ ] the guy gets the exit he thanks you and you think that's it but then he gets attacked on his way out and I can't go past the door the only thing I can do is escape through the ceiling and hope the level ends before this guy gets killed so here it is the final ring level but it's the worst of them all there's rings underwater that go below the map there's moving rings there's even multiple ring paths that lead to false exits now that is just cruel in a normal game this might be challenging but not when the controls are so broken ah [ __ ] I can't do it I need help I need guidance I need to learn learn to fly where did you learn to fly geez that's a face I didn't miss where did you learn to fly not from playing cyber more if I can tell you that where did you learn to fly no no Top Gun Academy where did you learn to fly I wish you'd ask Superman that he can't fly for [ __ ] in this game where did you learn to fly actually when preparing for this review I looked into when Superman first flew early in the comics he couldn't fly but instead jumped really high the earliest appearance of him flying was in Superman number 10 the artist working on the issue wasn't clear about Superman's powers and thought he could fly so his first flight was by accident it was quickly corrected in the next issue and the next time the character flew was in the radio show finally Superman would fly on screen in the old Fleischer cartoon in both cases his power of flight was given him simply because the people making them really wanted to where did you learn to fly I guess Superman never really did learn to fly it was just a combination of dumb luck and people wanting him to fly where did you learn to fly I know what you're saying I don't really need to learn to fly through these rings I just need to want it and hope for the best where did you learn to fly thanks for the encouragement talking-head from cyber morph hey I'm sorry I shot you with the super scope and called you an [ __ ] that one time where did you learn to fly all right what the hell's this I'm gone five minutes and already I have four replacements get out of here yeah here we go there we go aha I beat the Rings I beat the Rings no more [ __ ] rings but the nightmare isn't over yet the final level takes place on brainiacs spaceship and it is the biggest pain the ass you can imagine I wish I could reverse the world's rotation and go back in time to destroy the computer this game was designed on you have to find 12 pieces of a machine scattered all over and the whole time you have robots crab people and little tanks trying to mess up your day and if you find all the pieces Brainiac sends you to a room full of teleporters the goal here is to get the numbers to add up to 2,000 and like the Luthor puzzle I have no idea what to do so I'm just gonna mess around sometimes I get the combination quick other times the clock runs out and I lose after that you have to escort Jimmy and Lois to safety and these idiots just stroll into a room full of lightning you have to freeze them again and push them to safety but be careful because you might push them off a bridge after saving Lois and Jimmy you have to fight Brainiac again and if you're expecting something really exciting well you should know better by now once he's down he destroys some bombs and of course and nother rings just kidding Superman brings his friends to the real world and Luthor gets away I am so happy to be finished with this I'm gonna ignore that the camera is having a seizure you wanna know something else that's a real kick in the ass in recent years a rom of the game surface which was of the unreleased PlayStation version and it actually looks alright the levels look unique the bad guys look cooler the controls don't seem great but it looks like they work according to Titus after all the changes they were forced to make for the Nintendo version their license ran out and they couldn't release it instead we got this rancid anus tart of a game vomiting green rings in her face please don't don't hurt the good innocent games to play the shitty games and suck ass he'd rather have a buffalo me you ever Nintendo nerd Atari Sega nerd the angry video game nerd you know for 15 years I've been warning you not to play shitty games and all this time I've been so focused on taking you back to the past I kind of forgot about the present so let's play something recent for a change PlayStation 4 yeah let's go all the way let's try out life of black tiger it was originally a mobile game for the iPhone and Android eventually ported to the ps4 in 2017 they say it's bad but this is a current generation console I think by now game developers would learn from their mistakes so how bad could it be it starts off with this weird stock acoustic guitar loop sounds like the intro to a massage therapist website from 1997 I could just doze off all of a sudden it switches to this heavy metal riff then you get the storyline for this emo black tiger his parents left him he's all alone so he hates everything it's quite a serious and sad plot to start a game with what happened to the framerate it's giving me a headache these characters look so ass is that Belle from Beauty and the Beast animal called as human is what I dislike the most they smell bad for real this is for real the game itself plays worse than you could imagine controlling the camera is reversed meaning it's the complete opposite of how you control any other modern game the controls are a baffling mess and the tiger moves slower than [ __ ] advancing through a sloths anus I'm holding the Run button - without it you can barely even crawl this is an action game in what situation in an action game would you need to move that slow attacking now that's a whole other story that's when the [ __ ] factor rapidly accelerates at the rate of falling of frozen dog turd on a frying pan it starts to smell real quick and if you think that's sadistic look at what I'm playing right now - attack you have to hold down the circle button and hope for the best every time you kill a person they make the same yell then he chased down a defenseless woman and just [ __ ] Maul her damn this tiger is full of serious angst and rage wait a minute what just happened I went from a frozen wasteland to a forest and now I'm hunting goats how far is his Tiger traveling at the speed he runs it probably took an eternity after the goats you have to hunt a pack of silly wolves he just slapped them a bunch of times they get launched into oblivion damn look at him go ah [ __ ] now I'm just running around sniffing a wolf's blood what kind of objective is that you stand around the glowing orbs then it shoots off fireworks and that's the level why was this a level not to mention the lack of music only adds to the atmosphere of boredom and monotony and next thing the Tigers head is up in animals but and now they're floating on top of me well I didn't know they stole made [ __ ] like this how did this happen this is the most modern game I've ever played on the show and it sinks to the furthest depths on the [ __ ] scale when ranking terrible games there's usually a certain level of playability even though I maintain Jekyll and Hyde is the worst game I've ever played there's still that unholy category that lies underneath games that can't even be called games so life of black tiger is one of the worst things I've tried to play and it's PlayStation 4 how did this happen I know it was originally on the mobile phone but still they sold it on the PlayStation Store who made this so it's a company called won games I wish it were zero games but no ordinary game designer could have created anything so violent putrid something like this requires some high-level excrement elec spur tease this could only be the work of one person a person by the name of Fred Fox Fred Fox Fred Fox Fred Fox Fred Fox for Fred [ __ ] sake and at the heart of it all the final boss my arch nemesis Fred bucks and I think it's about time I find him and tell him and knock this [ __ ] off well this must be the place according to my research Fred Fox is hiding out specifically in Asia this must be it [ __ ] are you hey Jimmy tough guy place to hold you so big I can't stick my [ __ ] in it and I don't want a break hey man it's cool it's cool I'm just looking for a game designer game designer you seek brain Fox you know him know him I can take you to him oh boy it stinks it's Tiger urine I soaked my clothes in it it keeps the other animals away could you just spray it on the ground okay you got me I like the smell and the feel of Tiger urine on my clothes and it makes a great fabric softener I make a lot of this stuff around yeah what's that that's my company computer um is it made out of coconuts and bamboo and hyena feces lots and lots of hyena feces it makes unity run like that son of a [ __ ] what company is such a shitty computer it's called one games because it's one guy making games all by himself your Fred [ __ ] well I gotta ask you what are you thinking life a black tiger that games horrible well I'd like to see how good a game you can make out of a computer made of jungle foliage and animal droppings come pull up a chair and we'll finish it together okay well how are we gonna play it you know I actually got my own pee explore poo don't you mean ps4 Pro no ps4 poo see okay it's full of smell with blood of wolves today and the smell is stronger than a few days ago I can't bear with it let's kill every wolves found the [ __ ] dude that sentence it's all over the place oh I'm sorry I'm just the guy who built a computer in the jungle without electricity or Internet I'm not educated enough for the guy who talks about [ __ ] and a spaceman I guess that's a good point anyway I have to kill 13 wolves which isn't hard or anything just takes forever and the tiger moves like he's running in a dream I'd like to spread the gameplay experience as much as I can so I could get the most out of the $10 that you sucks pay for they [ __ ] what the hell could get the wolf office sticky wolf I can't get it off you grant the wolf nerd H part of the game holy [ __ ] this is a normal thing in the game I thought it was a glitch everything else is so shitty I just assumed the models got stuck together or something you might want to be a bit nicer about the game considering the fact that I'm no one what dumb [ __ ] life Oh finally that levels over and even though I only played it for under four men it still felt like an eternity the gameplay is so repeating that time stand still when you play it a boss of the wolves and his subordinates came to revenge for the killed colleagues I'll never step back survive till the fixed time were you [ __ ] stoned when you wrote this yes thought so so all you do is run away from a pack of wolves that move completely in unison you only have to survive for three minutes but man is it the longest damn three minutes of your life killing the wolves doesn't even matter because they just respawn endlessly what's the point of that level why not just kill the wolves it just seems padded for no reason I tried to make it true to life you know not everything in life is solved with conflict sometimes you just gotta run like hell from your problems words of wisdom from Fred Fox the enemy life meter is the slowest I've ever seen in any game period holy [ __ ] it's so slow you can't even see it moving it's one single pixel on a hi-def screen killing the boss wolf is such a pain the female tiger doesn't help unfortunately half the time her attacks miss not to mention your attacks barely do any damage why is this tiger so weak you might say that Tigers are real [ __ ] you see what I did there I did you see what I did there it's very funny I gotta say I love slapping a group of wolves at the same time and watching them fly it's oddly satisfying and really funny yeah smack him around hmm yeah after killing the wolf boss it's yet another filler level this time you just walk around with the female tiger until she stops again unnecessary the next bunch of levels are just used slaughtering half the wildlife in this forest just to impress the female tiger you have to bring her a rhino which she just pick up and drag how can the tiger pick up a rhino like it's nothing but can't kill a wolf in under an hour this level has you murdering the [ __ ] out of poor bunnies when you hit them they fly like a missile it's not nice look at that they fly like 50 feet I'm happy to get a sweet time with the female tiger today she told me to hunt you rats wait son transfer her so she told the black tiger to hunt giraffes why are these Tigers so sadistic you don't even eat the animals you hunt you're just killing all to impress a girl tiger what you never went on a murder spree rampaging and taking the lives of all you see just to impress us sweetie eventually after killing most the forest the female tiger gets pregnant and it's the Black Tigers best day in the original alpha build I had a full-on Tiger sexy oh it was hot it was Tigers [ __ ] and sucking constantly one tiger [ __ ] the other tiger and the other tiger turns around and sucks that tiger but the rating board put an end to it I mean I would imagine that oh wait hmm gee one thing I will say the baby tiger in this game is [ __ ] adorable just look at that thing isn't that cute man forget Pikachu or Kirby this baby tiger makes those losers look like a piece of [ __ ] other than that the game goes on and on and on it's a chore you ever paint a house or rip down wallpaper that's this game eventually I find myself doing anything I can to shake up the boring gameplay stacking animals is probably the most fun thing you can do here I got a group of elephants to merge into a [ __ ] up monstrosity look at that so all tusks and skin that's some goddamn nightmare fuel here I got a stack of Buffalo playing this game I'd rather have a stack of buffalo take a diarrhea dump in my ear like when you pour champagne into a stack of glasses except it's that Buffalo spring liquid anus juice trust me I've had that happen to me more times than I'd like to remember you have an ear infection you know you can't hear and it hurts when you chew and you balance it off eventually the game really takes a dark turn the forest begins to die and you have to resort to scavenging decomposing corpses to live but eat the wrong one and you're dead that's what happens when you eat bearish trust me I've seen a lot of my friends die young tossing bear salad actually spoiler alert the forest is dying because the humans have poisoned the animals in an attempt to kill the black tiger remember those people we killed in the first level well it's coming back to bite the tiger in the ass these humans are no joke they burn the forest kill the female tiger and steal the baby that's some [ __ ] up [ __ ] right there I didn't pull any punches with this this is my magnum opus and it's not the first time I've used Magnum today I get it eventually you have to fight the humans to get your child back which takes a while I wasn't sure what to do at first because they kept on coming you have to keep killing them until the game decides it's enough but eventually the game will end after you kill enough people I love this right here if you kill a group of humans at the same time the sound clip of them screaming doubles up and you get a sonic death scream damn that could probably blow out your speaker's if you got enough kills going on at the same time after saving your baby you begin the game again but this time as the human whose mother you killed at the very beginning of the game that's an interesting concept but it's more of the same [ __ ] one level has you poisoning the corpses and burning the forest from before then you kill the female tiger it's basically the last few levels told from the perspective of the humans here I have to hunt rabbits again the last rabbit ended up hopping up the mountain and won't come back down at first I thought I was [ __ ] but then I ended up walking up this hill and reaching the boundary of the whole level it's like big rigs just a piece of land floating an endless limbo of three-dimensional garbage calling this game unfinished would be a compliment this game is so unfinished it's almost non-existent in the thrilling conclusion you end up killing the black tiger but then the black tiger kill everyone and escape with the Sun what the hell is going on it's an artistic interpretation of jungle life you uncultured swine I my goddamn artist and this is my masterpiece obviously too artsy fartsy for your plebeian palette aren't you doused in urine from head to toe so you kill the black tiger and are greeted with the most horrifying end cutscene I've ever seen in a video game oh wow my mother is just in front of me how much I missed her we won't be parted again so this was like a near-death hallucination I guess the tiger killed him and now he's seeing her in the afterlife I told you this game is really deep it's rich narrative it's filled with sadness triumph controversy betrayal and existentialism no it's horrible and I need to warn the public not to play it too late for that nerd now that you've covered it more people will buy it and at $10 a pop times a few million copies I can buy all the rare and erotic animal feces I want erotic don't you mean exotic I know what I said and now nerds you will join me in showing the world that dark side of the PlayStation Store no I'll never join you oh yes you will and we'll even put out a commercial and you'll help me film it No oh yes you will and I even have the star prep on their foreheads whoo oh hey you [ __ ] kids get ready for a rumble in the jungle looking for Black Tiger you're a mean badass edgiest [ __ ] black tiger kill half the wildlife population just hear it from Fred Fox they say just a game it's a way of life life of black tiger slap the [ __ ] out of crocodiles chickens and wolves even bunnies sad nose [ __ ] and sadness fair share your fate with the female tiger stack up elephants and [ __ ] Buffalo nothing says romance like honey I'm bringing you our stack of rhinoceroses with high card Tiger [ __ ] playful black tiger earn points to play as a flock of chickens a bunny or a hunchback you need a million something points and if that ain't replay value my name ain't rat Swiper Reds rifle black tiger only I [ __ ] all and Oh God he's gonna take you back to the mast to play the city it's rotten [ __ ] sorry seconder oh hey you're back again you wanna play some more shitty games you know I just woke up I just woke up can I just have my healthy balanced breakfast the hell chexquest a game inside a cereal box I swear if a Chex man comes out and starts turning all my games in the checks I'm gonna lose it I just got rid of all that Pepsi left over from that silver son of a [ __ ] but man this takes me back yeah remember getting prizes in your cereal they were usually some piece of [ __ ] toy that would break but for some reason we all flip the [ __ ] when we'd find these they were awesome it was like a little bonus in your breakfast in 96 General Mills went above and beyond by putting a free video game in every box of checks and the game was a first-person shooter crazy right I remember seeing the commercials with that kick and guitar Rick and those cool kids eating chex and thinking myself oh wow a free FPS FPS probably stands for [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] I mean come on a free first-person shooter game about Chex I mean look at Pepsi man we all know how that game turned out and that game cost real money to buy two thousand eight hundred yen in 99 so about 40 bucks in the US nowadays so you think a free reskin of ultimate doom would be good a family-friendly first-person shooter that uses a source code from an in software game reminds me of Super Noah's Ark 3d or I'm sorry Super 3d Noah's Ark but hey even if it sucks at least we get 50 free hours of AOL that screenshot right there that is how I first saw the Internet so anyway let me finish this and then we'll start the game all right let's start the game I really need to go food shopping somewhere besides eBay if you play with the original CD you get this intro animation explaining the story it's pretty hilarious basically there's these evil aliens from another dimension called flee modes they survive off of cereal and nutritious foods they've taken over the planet Bezique where all the nutritious foods are made and now they need to be stopped so now our hero checks man goes in to send the flu modes back to their dimension one thing I should bring up there's no guns chainsaws or bf G's it's a family-friendly first-person shooter and FF FPS so what do they use sorters waters orchards there are things that look like TV remotes the box says ready aims or CH so I guess or CH means to transport the booger guys back to their own dimension I just never heard the words orts before and the zapping looks kind of painful non violent enough I guess also it's kind of weird the main character is named Chex man when there's a bunch of checks people in this game why is he the checks man maybe it's his last name like Phil checks Minh they did start calling them checks warrior later on kind of like doom guy changing the doom Slayer the music is pretty good and the graphics aren't bad 496 it's pretty much what I'd expect from a rebuild of doom the opening screen looks pretty cool the game moves fast and looks a lot better than Super Noah's Ark 3d the difficulty choices really rubbed me the wrong way easy does it not so sticky gobs of goo extreme moves and super slimy sounds like some of the titles in the video store you know the movies for mom and dad section if you're playing this on a DOS emulator the mouse sucks the most first-person shooters you move with the keyboard and look and shoot with the mouse and this the mouse actually moves you around so playing with mouse and keyboard is a total [ __ ] show it's easier to just use keyboard only the game itself is so far pretty decent its doom with serial find the red blue and yellow keys to open doors and find the exit there's a bunch of different guns or absorptions and there's even secret rooms to find in each level I also like the little checks man at the bottom of the screen like the doom guy he makes little faces when he gets items and when he's close to death he gets more covered in slime I gotta say for a game that's about a checks guys or chewing boogers it's actually a pretty good game they didn't just rip off doom they actually gave it some real attention to detail for health you collect glasses of water bowls of fruit and veggies and the almighty super charged breakfast it's corny but it fits the aesthetic of the game well it's not tedious it's not annoying it's not a stand the mascot hasn't come in and changed all my games so I think this is a pretty good game yeah I hate to say that I don't hate this it's good what am I gonna do with that each level is pretty straightforward but still offers a decent level challenge the secrets are pretty well hidden there's a bunch of good stuff like health and armor power-ups there's even a super secret Easter egg in the second level if you get on this elevator and jump to these boxes at the exact moment you can find a secret door that leads to a room with pictures of the Kree and the lads device it's basically the bfg from doom and like in Doom there's a ton of different weapons and each one is the nonviolent equivalent your default weapons are the sorter which is pretty much the handgun and the spoon which is pretty much the punch you know never in my life did I think I'd ever play a game or you're spooning bigger aliens the other guns are the Rapids or Chur which is like the minigun phasing sorter which is like the plasma rifle the sorts propulsors like the rocket launcher and my personal favorite the most ridiculous weapon maybe in video game history the super boot spork it's an electric spork that tears through everything it's basically the chainsaw but come on it's a sport where else can you play a game where you spork enemies to death spork them yeah yeah suck spork your boogery [ __ ] yeah I'm enjoying this game a little bit too much but don't worry I'll find something that sucks one annoying thing is you lose all your weapons when you die I know this was also in Doom but it really sucks in this game I made it all the way the final level and died and when I came back I only had my regulars Archer and spoon don't you hate it when you only have yours or Chur and spoon the final level is damn near impossible with these weapons there's tons of armoured enemies and if you weren't actively saving like me you might as well just reset the whole game now I know that's mostly on me but things are a bit unfair right here I'm on this tiny ledge and I'm getting hit by enemies that are way below me I can't even aim to shoot them but they can just target me from completely off the screen also in some places the game gets really dark I was trying to find my way out of this area and just kept running in circles before I realized I had been passing the door the entire time it was just way too dark to see and level four there's this maze [ __ ] this maze it's very easy to get lost the way out is extremely hidden which I guess is what they wanted but goddamn I was in this maze for what felt like forever also if you try to pull up the map the whole area is blank yeah they knew they wanted to [ __ ] with people the maze is the most sadistic thing in this game and you know there were kids flipping their shits back in 96 it was called the [ __ ] flippers of 96 you ever hear about it yeah the last thing the keyboard controls feel kind of sluggish turning and shooting is a pain there are a couple of ways you can go about playing this game so here's the second way for this method you have to download a doom source port there's tons out there but the one I find to be the easiest is gzdoom using gzdoom allows you to play the game in the best possible way you can bump all the settings to max and go from the original DOS graphics to playing in 4k Ultra HD this also gives you proper Mouse control making mizore CH incarnate [ __ ] using the gzdoom source ports definitely the way to go yeah only 30 minutes later I'm back at the end of the game the final boss is the wall of slime there's tons of enemies but he just sorta Maul and save the trap cereal people and that's Chex quest so how come that didn't totally suck it was pretty good and considering the fact that it wasn't made by a major game studio it was just a small group of people test with the impossible to make a game a free game based on a cereal Bravo the company Digital Cafe only had a budget of 500 thousand a group of eight people one of them a programmer named Scott Holman was only 17 years old at the time he'd actually work on the game after school but the real crazy thing is that even to this day this game has a die-hard cult following who would have thought a game based on cereal I mean it's basically just doom with a new coat of paint all the characters and weapons behave the same as they wouldn't doom but the graphics are colorful and memorable even though it's really just a reskin it still feels like its own thing if that makes sense regardless this game moved 6 million units and quadrupled the sales of Chex cereal considering most people just buy checks to make party mix and those Muddy Buddy desserts that's a lot of extra profit there's even two Chex quest sequels Chex quest 2 was a free available on chexquest comm when the first one came out and chexquest 3 was made in 2008 the demand for a sequel was there even in the days of xbox360 and ps3 each game adds new levels and even new enemies and bosses and they're all pretty fun while I might say the first is still the best the second one takes place in check strapless the evil flem oils have somehow gotten back to the home planet of checks man and now he has to stop them it's kind of like doomed to hell on earth I love this part where you go in a movie theater and all the fluids are watching some weird cartoon loop there's even posters of cereal related movie parodies seems the game developers enjoyed working on this and adding their own flavor to a game about a cereal with no flavor the game doesn't beat you over the head with constant advertisement it's a game first and a commercial second there are ads here and there but take Pepsi man for example where there were entire levels comprised of Pepsi logos then look at Chex quest sure there's some billboards that's about it the main collectables aren't just boxes of checks and the objective is to save your people from evil aliens it's like you know a game the third game has you fighting against the flow modes again as they prepare an end-all invasion the levels are also much bigger than this one like I said it was released ten years after the first game the game starts you at Chuck central command and has you take a ship back to earth or General Mills planet or whatever and eventually taking the fight to the flow mode mothership it was made in response to the demand for a new sequel the fact that people were still going nuts about a free serial based first-person shooter ten years after its release really speaks to its merit these people took an idea that should have flopped and made it into a total win yes I'm sorry I didn't have more negative to say I was really trying here I know I haven't filled my curse quota for this episode so [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] there we go I've single-handedly saved the planet and returned the flow modes back to their home dimension all is well in serial dimension I am the supreme chexquest champion it's overall pretty good if you're not convinced if a family-friendly first-person shooter isn't really your thing if you need some carnage and mayhem if you don't want to send the flem woods back through dimension you want to send them the [ __ ] hell well I got the game for you mother [ __ ] brutal chexquest that's right with gzdoom you get access to a bunch of awesome mods one of them being the brutal doom mod which also works on Chex quest play through the entirety of all three Chex quest games but get rid of those [ __ ] orchards lay waste to the phlegm woods make sure they can never come back to cereal dimension because they're [ __ ] dead this basically takes all the family friendliness out of the game and makes checks man the [ __ ] checks hitman checks the Hitman hard so after you get your fill the original chexquest pop in brutal checks quest and murder the [ __ ] out of some phlegm lloyd's I don't know what a phlegm oh it is but I [ __ ] killed their ass and when you play a game as brutal as brutal chexquest what you need is a brutal serial to go with it it's Jets on steroids illegal steroids made from broken glass rusty [ __ ] nails and whole grain rice this cereal will start your day if it doesn't end your life fortified with calcium from the bones of fallen angel wings the only cereal eaten by both God and Satan it's a straight kick to your muddy buddies and brutal Chex turns your milk red from your own blood pouring out of your [ __ ] screaming Wow 53 hours of america online included he's the angry video game learn remember when I was talking about Jurassic Park games in the Spielberg games episode episode 101 if you want to be a nerd well I ordered some new Jurassic Park games but instead I got this in the mail yeah it's called trespasser the lost world Jurassic parkour just trespasser I don't know the trailer for the game gives you the impression it might actually be something awesome the next generation of 3d gaming alright so you know what's coming so I'm gonna say the magic words how bad could this be now let's see windows 95 or 98 64 Meg's of RAM Pentium 2 chip oh this games too advanced for my retro computers and probably too shitty for my modern computers let's try it anyway yeah now that's what I'm talking about look at that arm flopping all over the place bad framerate background glitching I feel at home already huh the game's breaking down let me adjust the settings yeah that's a new one I'm sorry I just need to take a look at this for a moment that is amazing when you've only just started the game and you're looking at this you know you're in for a treat there exist patches and mods that improve the game from being total ass to just mediocre but I need the authentic experience I'm the angry video game nerd not the slightly irritated video game geek in a minute what's this plane ticket huh the tropics yeah you know what I could use a vacation screw this game ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking just an update from the cockpit we're expecting a smooth ride cruising altitude of 35,000 feet the current temperature 75 degrees a dinosaur on the wing well that was a shitty flight it's a it's a dinosaur look how old that computer is it's a dinosaur I'll try to send out a distress call ah no luck but it has the recommended parts needed to run trespasser and there's a copy of the game well I guess reviewing the game is my vacation now what's with this weird fine please take a few moments to register trespasser and receive full customer support and regular information about our products be automatically entered to win something cool from EA it might be a free game a hat a shirt whatever we come up with lucky winners picked every month judging by this game's reputation the only thing EA should be giving out his apologies a legacy that continues to this day by 1989 international genetic technologies had succeeded in their design to genetically recreate the dinosaurs the intro recaps the movies with the familiar voice of Richard Attenborough as John Hammond the game itself is supposed to be a direct sequel to the lost world so it's technically Jurassic Park 3 before Jurassic Park 3 but following the books at times too so whatever you play as an who crashes on the site B of all places man they just can't stop landed on those [ __ ] dinosaur islands hmm what's cool is she's voiced by actress Minnie Driver you know from Good Will Hunting and uh Goldeneye whoa what kind of hazardous waste did they dump in that water what am I even looking at okay let me fix my settings nice even with the most optimized computer to run the original version of the game it still crashes and runs like [ __ ] after what seems like an eternity I'm finally playing the game and the background still glitching I know it's common for games to have assets fade in and it's not the worst but it's still pretty buggy trespasser was coated to have realistic physics the environments are meant to be immersive with plenty of things you can interact with with your long ragdoll noodle arm it hardly works just try shooting a basketball or try picking up an object and if you bump in anything it'll drop whatever you're holding look at this I can't go five feet without dropping my gun and the jumping Oh God sometimes it's alright but other times you get stuck like on this wall which is so short it shouldn't be that hard I keep falling off if only I could see my legs that's like trying to walk on stairs without looking down you can look down but the game designers decide it was more important to see the character's boobs hey what's up nerd oh it's that boundary break guy how'd you know to call me here I got this mysterious message to call this computer and it's asked me to help you understand Jurassic Park trespasser a little bit better that's pretty convenient but I could actually use some help boundary breaking this piece of [ __ ] if we take the camera around and we can see that all she has are shoulders chest and a single long arm the chest is enlarged to hide the fact that she has no legs from the player's perspective and also it behaves like a health meter where her heart tattoo appears to be more and more filled as she takes damage you can see the different stages of the heart hidden underneath her skin here also her legs seem to be a rotating cube that rolls like a ball cube this might be the reason why you're having trouble jumping onto the ledges the collision detection is not that great so I hope that helps and I hope it explains a little bit about the coding there for you nerd thanks yeah it does by the way while I have you can you send a rescue party here to get me off this island this creepy dudes wearing inflatable dinosaur costumes it looks like they're cutting out the signal hey good luck to yourself out there nerd now I know how to keep track of my health by looking down but what about ammo there's no heads-up display or meters showing how many bullets you have left seven six five that is really annoying also unrealistic who counts out loud how many bullets they have left while they're being attacked by a wobbly velociraptor when an realizes where she is it triggers voiceovers from John Hammond my name is John Baca Hammond again the narration is great but are they playing in her head or does the island have speakers in Bioshock you find recordings everywhere on tape decks here they just play I was born on March 14 4 1928 okay here's some trivia the lost world had a cross-promotion with Mercedes even the VHS tape opened with a mercedes-benz commercial but it didn't stop there because the cross-promotion made it into this game - yep just a random truck with the Mercedes logo right in the beginning of the game after this we finally get our first look at a dinosaur the Brachiosaurus just like in the movie who can forget that majestic scene where they first witnessed the dinosaurs where everybody looks up and Wonder and the game does a fine job recapturing that feeling of wonder the wonder of how they [ __ ] it up looks like [ __ ] look at him bumping into each other wish that happened in the movie this game has a puzzle element - as if it needed that the first one is a bridge that sways back and forth you just gotta wait and then [ __ ] so I have to backtrack and drag a box to stop it from swinging but that doesn't work either so I had to grab another box which took way longer than expected you know it will be better if the jumping worked every time you start a new level you lose your weapons sometimes you can pick up new ones quickly but they're weaker than the ones you had before each level is full of dinosaurs like Raptors and red Raptors and yellow Raptors so many Raptors seriously I know Raptors are like one of the main bad guys in Jurassic Park but could they not think of any other enemies even when other dinosaurs do show up most of them mind their own business look at this Stegosaurus it won't attack me even if I try to piss it off they attacked in the lost world but here all you do is shoot Raptors or drop Jeeps on them you and of course is the game so broken whenever Raptors show up the frame rate goes from 20 frames per second to about 5 it's also hard to tell if they're dead they just sit down with their eyes wide open they look more tired than anything I know what you're thinking do they have a t-rex yes they do several and they make almost no attempt to attack you you can stand under one and it won't care you might get hit on accident but not enough to die I keep thinking whenever one shows up it'll lead to a big boss fight but every t-rex I've come across is either trying to kill another dinosaur or stumbling around drunk scratch that every dinosaur walks like they just drank an entire case of rolling rock these levels are gigantic by the way probably some of the biggest for a 3d game at the time that would be fine but outside of a few areas they're mostly just trees and rocks nothing interesting except for maybe this pissed pond yeah the dinosaurs got pissed somewhere I guess so why not include that in the game there are some Easter eggs you can find but it's not worth the time like this beach where the opening audio from lost world plays huh is it supposed to be the same beach looks nothing like it this game is really repetitive so I'm gonna focus on the stuff that stands out there's a level called the town it's where the engine staff used to live and work I think it's the same town at the end of lost world because this building looks similar but nothing else in this town even resembles the movie there's a puzzle in the beginning where you have to plug in a key code there's a word next to the keypad that says Big Lie spelled with numbers you have to plug the numbers in backwards to get it to work yeah that's clever I guess then you'll bounce around different buildings which is annoying all to collect key cards but I guess I do like John Hammonds big mansion you can explore complete with a garden that has rocks laid out like the Big Dipper well that's random but actually it's a clue to help you find a key card and it looks like dr. Henry Wu has VHS copies of buried choppers and zombie love in his house they're all fake movies but then the streets are named after famous real-life authors and include a statue of Edgar Rice Burroughs who wrote Tarzan so that's kind of interesting but not as interesting as this Raptor being stuck in a fence is that supposed to be a big pile of [ __ ] well I've seen better-looking piles of [ __ ] right over there that's one big pile of [ __ ] where's the [ __ ] they're supposed to be a big pile of Triceratops feces here ah all right let me check on the kitchen is it ready just a minute chef we don't have a [ __ ] minute the audience are waiting mix the peanut butter with the chocolate syrup gosh I can digest and [ __ ] out a real cherry faster than you can make that [ __ ] [ __ ] hear this chef the [ __ ] is that it's it's [ __ ] [ __ ] right in shape pick it up that's the shittiest [ __ ] I ever saw and you do you have your [ __ ] together can you handle that [ __ ] how's this yep [ __ ] hell that's not [ __ ] your [ __ ] your very existence is [ __ ] you're a useless sack of worthless [ __ ] [ __ ] leave the jacket and get out of my kitchen get the [ __ ] out you [ __ ] [ __ ] sorry folks it won't happen again alright let's try that again that is a big pile of [ __ ] the next level pissed me off and not because it starts with another t-rex that ignores you I get to a harbor with a bunch of containers meant for platform jumping you knock over a trailer and hope to god it doesn't glitch and land in the wrong area Oh watch it go got a keycard okay what now maybe there's a door on that ship over by the pier it's pretty far away but it has to be something important right the emiliya was a tug for bringing in the bigger fridges ah just another easter egg so I backtracked and found this note card is in the Atlantic the Atlantic that's the name of the container I was already at I did the puzzles out of order I got the one card too early uh here's the best part you eventually leave the harbour and get to a lab where you find Dennis Nedry Sophos he's the big guy in Jurassic Park who causes the computer system to fail turns out nedra was really into sword and sorcery stuff he even has a [ __ ] massive metal medieval mace you'll never believe it but this is the strongest handheld weapon in the game yeah a mace I was able to bash a Raptors face in look at that next time you're talking Jurassic Park games make sure bring up trespasser the one where you [ __ ] up a raptor with a medieval mace the biggest mistake Dennis Nedry made was leaving this insanely awesome weapon on sight be if he had this at the other Island where the original Jurassic Park took place things might have gone differently for him unfortunately like all weapons you can't carry it over to the next level but on the bright side it starts you with the Lyn strat air gun the one Eddie Carr had in the second movie it can kill dinosaurs instantly but you only have three shots so I feel like this should be safe for some big boss battle except every t-rex in the game won't give me the time of day so I'm going to use on a few Alberta sources instead this level reveals that site B was home to an indigenous race of people mentioned in the novel's you find one of their temples but surprise it's booby-trapped wait a minute now it looks like I'm playing Tomb Raider at the end of the ruins you meet a giant red Rex who actually goes after you finally a boss fight now I wish I didn't waste those bullets the one gun that could have maybe killed him and I blew it so I do my best I empty an entire clip into this [ __ ] and he just keeps on coming but it's okay you don't have to kill him you can just run around this pyramid and give him the slip so maybe it wasn't a boss just the only hostile t-rex in the whole game but now I'm at the real hard part an old rickety bridge you have to jump over this gap and with this game's shitty jumping it is beyond impossible no matter where I jump I fall again and again I have no idea what to do so let's try something I learned a long time ago yep you can just walk over it here comes the last level or as I like to call it clumsy mountain why because the dinosaurs can't help falling off the cliff dumb shits after an calls for rescue another Raptor attacks but also falls down a cliff near the end of the level I look back and saw more Raptors falling birds evolved from dinosaurs my ass these [ __ ] can't fly for [ __ ] I made it to the end all I need to do is jump over some boxes and get picked up by a helicopter be careful though because there is a final boss in the game could this be the huge epic t-rex battle I've been waiting for no it's just a big Raptor a big Raptor who kills themself man this sucked it should have been this crazy immersive survival experience but it was just a Tyrannosaurus Rex dog [ __ ] we have dog [ __ ] here see nobody cares Sheamus black Lee I guess he's responsible for this [ __ ] show huh I'd like to ask him a few questions you didn't say the magic word I'd like to ask Seamus black Lee a few questions please I'm Seamus Seamus black Lee his assists in a game designer also father of the Xbox oh right the thing that please Drake you the 99 dragons huh yeah the thing that play is Drake of the 99 dragons and as a Rick riser prayeth yeah but also halo I was the executive producer of trespasser before that so I can answer any questions you have about the game so this game did have a lot going for it in 98 rag doll effects physics that inspired half-life 2 a surgeon simulator type arm mechanic but then there's glitchy backgrounds floating trees and drunk dinosaurs what happened was this game actually finished no this game wasn't actually finished this was game from a brand-new publisher DreamWorks interactive they weren't very experienced and I think I was 27 or 28 years old I didn't know what to do I was young I was stupid and I was arrogant and so we tried to finish in the time allotted and then we were forced to ship a broken game I thought it was the end of my career it was incredibly painful to watch well how much involvement did spielberg have and what did richard attenborough think of the project Stephen had a tremendous amount of involvement in the game and was really supportive richard attenborough who everyone called deke was one of the sweetest guys I've ever met he took us under his wing and made us feel like we were doing something legitimate which was pretty novel back then because it's only recently that video games have been seen as sort of a legitimate art form er media back then everybody still kind of treated you like a skater Punk and so when Richard took us seriously it meant an awful lot to us so why'd you decide on the heart tattoo and screaming ammo level why not use a regular heads-up display the idea was that you would feel that it was your adventure and part of that was not having a bunch of technology in your face and we were struggling with the idea of a totally natural interface having everything in the game literally be in the game world in the context of the game world the tattoo was one of the first ideas we had about a health meter we were thinking putting on the arm and it happened to be on a tattoo on the chest when we ran out of time and so that's what that's what stuck and that's just how stupid things are why was that super Raptor picked as the final boss when the game was already loaded with Raptors we didn't have time to create or budget to create a new boss dinosaur and we were in a huge rush to finish and we have a huge amount of pressure from DreamWorks interactive of course all of these things are ludicrous now when you think about them because as we say a late game is only late until it ships but a bad game is bad forever what do you think about the games legacy and fanbase that's gained have you played or seen any of the mods you know trespasser was made by a team of people who worked very hard it didn't work out and is very traumatic for them so for all of them I think most importantly seeing the love in the trespasser community is so important and just very beautiful I have at times been moved to tears honestly looking at some of the posts and the work that people have done well cool thanks a lot you know I really appreciate doing this but um I just have one last question could you send somebody to get me off this [ __ ] Island now why would I do a thing like that I'm the one who's stranded you here on my private island excuse me I took drastic action to bring you here and it wasn't easy you ever launched a guy in a tarragon suit at a charter plane with a catapult it's tougher than it looks well no that's [ __ ] up just let me off your shitty Island I'm sick of playing your shitty game it's exactly why I've trapped you here I'm second jerk reviewers like you talking [ __ ] about the game we work so damn hard on so I've been baiting and then stranding Conquer viewers like you right here on my island then I break them mentally so that they love trespassers I've got an inflatable costume all picked out just for you and the other questions nerd yeah how about a property Rex boss fight you have to fight at t-rex time here's a t-rex that's the best you can do I mean Bigfoot will suits fit the budgets Oh but check out what the t-rex is holding Ned trees mace well that sucks for me but it's not too bad no idiot check his other hand the Duke holy [ __ ] Sheamus you gotta call him off ah you didn't say the magic word Oh oh geez huh a brand-new 2020 mercedes-benz GLA SUV that's the perfect vehicle for escaping a t-rex ha step on it must go faster let's go faster yes we lost them hey thanks for picking me up stranger I didn't catch your name I'm Seamus Seamus black anguish lament oh how hath ye been cursed if thou hath play at the game as archaically diuretic elisha Tolec as the immortal on the nes whence I came my basement chamber above where I display such demeaning failed electronic attempts at merriment but when they're as low flee as thee it is but I who has thus sworn to suffer as I descend deeper into the catacombs a place where true [ __ ] goes to lie face-first down and smoldering decay a place where sorrows exceed the souls and vanquish beings meet their fate medieval torture man the head crusher the rack the pendulum the iron maiden but none as dreadful as this behold reset and here we go the plate begins feast your eyes on this accursed nonsense so as soon as the game begins it gives you a warning it might be a good idea to move hmm and it kills you right away they pull something like that at least they warned you but a might as well warn you the moment you put this game in you're doomed with life so let's try it again into the next room and look at that they put that right there right outside the door all one hit death traps that's real classy let's reset okay here we go this isometric angle definitely makes things a little difficult when you're just moving the d-pad all over the place it kind of just you know it's just a guessing game of which direction to push and here we go you fight the Goblin and it goes into this battle mode and to tell you the truth in the dark ages of 8-bit entertainment these graphics are a marvelous sight to laud but if fine clay a--the oneself you shall hear a pond cry the tears of despair and agony as now realize that caught in an eternal button masher yeah that's all you do is just mash buttons and the thing is you have a fire attack I mean look at this you can shoot fireballs but that doesn't work against the goblins well you talk to this guy here and yada yada forgive my haste the important thing to know he gave me a key and then I move on to the treasure chest I use the key to open the treasure and I get 20 gold pieces bag of bait and a sack of bad smelling spores mmm but we all know what this game is a bad smelling sack of so into the next room as you can see going diagonal is kind of tough I mean use debate on this goblins let's just see what happens here do it yes of course it kills you look even the items kill you Wow now that is a cheap shot all right let's try again into the next room and dodge the fireballs I mean not the arrows and whatever it throws your way this game throws everything but the kitchen sink and look invisible pits confound it all oh I beg of you have pity oh wow that's a good one that's classic boy and the thing about this game is the familiar premise of controlling a wizard navigating through a labyrinth of dungeon cells brings to mind similar games like gauntlet or the obvious Zelda but those examples only conjure up thy false jolly hopes as thou seen in my layer above the artwork and the Nintendo Power magazine and in the instruction manual look divine but nay it is but filth the game is not of all that is good ly plagued with visuals cursing the eyes of ye of ill mortals to witness the shades and hues here upon are like the bile of a dying bear that consumed only skunks smeared with the milk of a witch's tits fused with garlic and druid dump yeah and there's another goblin ah that's so repetitive you just mash those buttons like a disorderly arf-arf a narf I'd rather be discovered with dysentery that's worse than diarrhea because it includes blood and mucus sorry that's disgusting but so is this kurz you Beast Eureka aqui yonder I shall go as I proceed in my journey to further experience the tragedy of the immortal why must it be I cursed by the gaming gods to endure this vomitorium yeah a vomitorium yep that's an interesting word it means or it was thought to have meant a place where the ancient Romans would all vomit during feasts to make room for more food but that's just a misconception that actually means a large Coliseum passage that large crowds connects it through rapidly such as large crowds of vomit particles rapidly exiting a mouth gaping and misery over a foul wretched video game anyway the immortal let's go death it is all death here it began as a gamers revelry those making merry to open the game on birthdays and holidays with the flames of excitement and adventure in their eyes but the agonizing torment set in as the game mercilessly chastised and dominated them the instinct to survive faded as the flames in their eyes diminished and one by one the revelers all dropped to their knees challenges one thing but in this game every step can be deadly arrows flames giant worms and there's bats that blend with the dark backgrounds how can you avoid something which you cannot see trapdoors are everywhere which is a cheap shot no question about it I mean can can I walk here or will the floor swallow me I mean you'll never know there's no strategy no reward for skill thou must play it repeatedly to memorise where the pits are these invisible pits are nothing but a cheap mean-spirited beginners track meant to elicit false and ill earned replay value and also if you touch anything you die step on the wrong floor tile you die you search the same spot more than once you die you approach a ladder or try to climb down a hole from the wrong side you die you stand still for too long you die you see some time little pixel that might be something you can pick up nay it chances are it is but death in other words [ __ ] of the lowest standard and as mentioned even vine inventory kills you when you can't even trust the items what can you do your character is vulnerable to everything and for a game called the immortal it begs the question who is the immortal because it's certainly not the main character at one point in the very first level you get an amulet which has an incantation on it you're given the chance to read it but if you pick yes you die however the amulet is required to beat the level so don't read that but I repeat the item that is required to beat the level can also kill you how could you make a game in the year of 1990 following a wealth of other games that ignore all that was done previously right what art thou thinking this was made by Electronic Arts more like electronic farts and just for [ __ ] Galvez forsaken dungeon and if you thought this torture could get worse it does by enlightening you on how the game could have been better it was originally made for PCs like the Apple 2 GS the Amiga the Atari ST and Sega Genesis and it's no surprise the genesis version is better but all of them had much cleaner graphics in there bright and they look more crisp and plus the other versions especially the Genesis had gore yeah fatalities years before mortal kombat heads get sliced off and look at that like bodies get cut in half vertically heads explode I mean this is this game had balls but it was neutered on the NES and what you think the NES the flagship of all nostalgic video game consoles would be home to an acceptable version of this it was a good game it was a good game it even even had gore and I was just playing a bad version all along the NES oh I can't take it anymore I thought I knew [ __ ] but nothing could prepare me for this repulsive dung heap it's a repetitive task going through the same motions only to progress one inch closer to the goal it taught you the game knows it allows you to get one step slightly further it's like running a hundred meter dash but with a bungee cord attached as soon as you make it near the finish line it Yanks you back it's a journey so far traveled yet barely have you gone forward and however if you do make it to the end by some miracle you have to face a dragon that's right it always ends with the dragon so with this dragon you're powerless to fight them you can only use defensive maneuvers so what you need to do here is dodge six of the fire breaths with six of blink spells now you only have six blink spells so if you miss one then you're done you have to start over and this dragon sometimes it shoots the fire right away other times it leans back and like fakes you out so you have to memorize the pattern and that's not all there's a seventh breath where you have to use the fire protection spell and again it's all at a very specific time if you miss it it's over and that's what sums up this game just memorizing patterns and knowing which items to use and which order it's all cryptic trial of error just like dragon's lair oh the immortal will live on forever as a sadistic demented electronic mechanism of human suffering some masochistic alchemists invented this concoction of death traps awkward combat stiff controls items that kill you constantly dying and starting over it only leaves you with frustration anger sadness and crippling disappointment emotions that belong nowhere near video games and when the manuals more fun to read than play the actual game you know you're in trouble I long for time when I knew not what this game was I longed for the big rigs the ljn's the fred [ __ ] of yesteryear I rue the day I ever became trapped in the immortal a game where I've stared at the same room so long the pixelated walls become my eternal home i rue the day I was born upon this earth which is spawned such primordial putrid engineers capable of creating something so apocalyptically horrid I never shall like such a game like this again I'd rather have a warlord shove a morning star up my ass ah the light I must escape sway oh oh good lord Oh begone vile fiend off it's futile I can't win smite me you will incinerate me banish me to hell if you wish if hell is the way out then hell it shall be he's the angry video game learn what where am I mellow greetings nerdy worthy what the hell oh hell is right sorry to break it to you nerd but you're dead you're [ __ ] fu Katie okay I get it the Dragon and immortal got me but why am I dressed so badass you are one fashionable male let me remind you when you died you came face-to-face with the devil he decided you have to live out the rest of your eternity inside your most hated game Jekyll and Hyde you flipped him off and tell them you didn't deserve that torture so he presented a challenge if you can beat all the spawn games you'll be allowed to leave hell but if you lose you're stuck in Jekyll and Hyde forever you accepted and we're transformed from the angry video game nerd to the Satanic video game spawn and that leads us to where we are now okay well let's play these shitty game nananana not so fast we're gonna play them in the most vile despicable game room ever imagined by a hell it'll break a man's soul in a second ready huh this is it truly terrifying right um I actually spend most of my days in a room exactly like this really I mean it's like spot-on it's the exact same thing even have the Shelf of all the et games yeah in fact I think vine actually has a little bit more what about the Aladdin deca dancer in all the games uh yeah in fact I actually played that not too long ago ah Internet's really slow and hell I didn't know that here play your stupid [ __ ] game for those of you who don't know spawn as a character created by Todd McFarlane he's one of a number of artists that left Marvel and DC to create Image Comics image became huge in the 90s and released stuff like Witchblade Savage Dragon The Walking Dead and of course spawn before he died spawn was Al Simmons an assassin who was betrayed by his superior when he died he went to hell and agreed to become malbolge as hell spawn and lead his army in exchange he could see his wife Wanda again but the devil sends him back to earth five years later as a zombified course that bastard the comic was huge and eventually became an animated series and even a feature film starring Michael Jai White and Martin Sheen so now that were up to date let's play spawn on Game Boy that spawn it looks nothing like them spawn doesn't always wear his cape but without it here it looks ridiculous the red and white M logo on his chest looks more like a corset then why are his eyes red he has green eyes that's one of his defining features how they messed that up it's a standard side-scrolling beat'em up with some platforming it even comes with a sewer level full of bats yeah that's almost a requirement at this point take a look at the graffiti in the alley shoot me go home hate geez hey and speaking of todd mcfarlane did you know he did the artwork for the cover of corns album father leader and also the music video freak on a leash so it's no coincidence that the Korn logo is all over the game and they really overdo it I mean look it's everywhere and spawn is the only superhero I can think of where the power meter in the game is actually based on a power meter from the comics that was what made spawn think twice about using his powers once it was completely drained he would have to return to hell and lead malbolge as army so you have to resort to guns and fists to conserve energy that's actually a really cool idea and this game worked it in really well the first boss is clown yeah they really put a lot of effort into that name he's a demon sent to earth to encourage spawn to do all the wrong things to make sure he carries out his mission in the comics he can turn into a giant monster called the violator but here he just rolls around like an idiot if you saw the movie you might remember he was played by Luigi Mario himself John liked that leg Azam Oh guys are real best I never really liked his interpretation of crown he's all gross and creepy not beautiful in sexy hey cam wha if this review ends with you rolling around the room I'm gonna be disappointed the game does add some variety and check out this motorcycle level it's pretty fun Oh a Billy Kincaid well he's a sick twisted icecream truck driver who likes to kill kids imagine a chubby or Freddy Krueger without the jokes he likes ice cream well I'm gonna make him scream and scream and scream you know what this game it's it's not a complete steaming pile of goat [ __ ] so that's more than I could say for most games so yeah not a bad start here the last level is a satellite station run by heaven yeah that's a spawn thing after killing a bunch of enemies you have to fight the fire boss the Redeemer also known as anti spawn he's pretty tough but mmm nothing I can't handle yeah all right I beat it one game down wait I was playing on easy that whole time and I have to play it all over again oh hey nerd I'm just in the neighborhood checking out how you're doing Oh looks like you played the wrong game-mode you gotta start over listen to this I got some level skip codes right here with your name on them wouldn't using cheats be wrong isn't that a hollow victory you're in hell if you cared about right or wrong you wouldn't be here hey listen I'll just leave these little skip codes right here for you so I skipped ahead and landed in Hell spawn looks a little better now that he has his cape but he'll looks pretty generic skulls demons rivers of blood and Velociraptor fossils what could have Velociraptor have done to end up in hell clown shows up again as violator it's a lot cooler than his first boss fight after him you take on the devil himself malbolge ax oh he just tossed some other hell spawns onto his belly and Eve dies that's it how lame is that [ __ ] Oh one game down congratulations well guess what here comes number two Todd McFarlane's spawn for the super no friend oh but it's Super Nintendo it can't be that bad ok the opening cinematic is pretty cool oh wow actually this looks awesome the music is badass too why are the enemies all killing themselves by playing spawn of [ __ ] lemmings these controls feel clunky spawns a little slow which sucks since there's tons of enemies being thrown at me I wish he was a little faster just a little bit oh this game also has spawns power meter so it probably wants me to try some special moves okay then oh look how complicated these aren't hold right trigger and roll thumb down clockwise to the left and press left trigger or the X button to do a fire blast are you kidding me to teleport you have to hold the right trigger and roll thumb in circle from up counterclockwise back to up then press the a or Y button what were they thinking even if you do the right combination they rarely work each move is like trying and failing to pull off a Mortal Kombat fatality only then if you [ __ ] up the fatality at least you know you've already won only here you [ __ ] up you get your ass kicked the only thing that does seem to work is the spinning kick most the levels are just your standard beat them up but there is some variety like this wall jumping level where you have to avoid rockets in theory this would be fun but spawn is so goddamn slow it can't land on a Ledge to save his life Redeemer well he was easy in the last game so how hard could this be the answer is one of the hardest most unfair bosses ever to be shat into a Super Nintendo cartridge it's ridiculous first he throws mannequins that are a pain in the ass to dodge after that he fires a laser that takes up most of screen you can't jump fast enough or glide long enough to avoid it easily after an hour I was finally able to knock him through the wall ah yeah so it's over right no it's a multi phase boss fight you're outside now so you think you would have more room to maneuver but no he still fires that [ __ ] laser and he can't be hit while firing it either and then he whips out flaming swords and fireballs that lock on you this is him [ __ ] possible I spent hours on this fight the skin on my thumb wore off and that's hard to do when you have gloves on oh don't mind me I'm just looking for a circus Charlie have you seen it Oh what's this level skip passwords for spawn for the Super Nintendo I'll just get ready he's a noble gamer like he wouldn't need them wait wait wait wait leave them oh that's not you or above that I would never but wouldn't it be more torture for me if they were there and I had to resist the urge to use them you're right good luck beating the game there's these weird tubes I can jump into in hell I'll just pick a random one and see what's down there okay then the final boss is some demon male bolds are created and you kill them whatever the end well that games [ __ ] brutal it's a shame because it looks and sounds great the only thing not great about the game is the gameplay Oh congratulations you beat it time for the next game clowns for the vic-20 remember when William Shatner ucv the vic-20 commercials his hair is worse than mine just kidding the third dimension would spawn the eternal that's right spawn merchandise in the 90s it was everywhere you had the movie cartoon the video games and of course toys so many toys and this this battle horse it was only in to issues of the comics I mean what the [ __ ] well we're off to a lousy start these graphics are some of the worst the PlayStation had to offer look how awkward spawn looks jogging around when you run into enemies it triggers a Mortal Kombat style fight screen you have to do this with every enemy it's really annoying and made worse by the fact that spawn moves way too slow well the button combinations are simpler but it's still kind of hard to pull them off when you're fighting man you're really pushing my buttons you've mentioned Mortal Kombat like twice now but not spawning in K 11 though he is paid DLC which is pretty evil even by Hell standards spawn was free in Soul Calibur 2 for Xbox No that games kind of wussy you can't even rip off a single opponents arm oh yeah talk about the arm rip one move I do like that I was only able to pull off a few times is the arm rip that's right you can rip the arm off your enemy this was so awesome they base their magazine ads around it I mean look at that that's not at all traumatising for a young kid to open up a game magazine and see that it's [ __ ] awesome you can recharge your magic and health meter too it drains your overall power meter but I assume that gets refilled after each stage and you'll need it because with this game slow controls bosses like overkill violator are gonna [ __ ] you up luckily you can save anywhere in the game let me just load my save file here is that Yoda with boxing gloves it's Yoda wearing boxing gloves that was the Save icon for masters of terrors Kasai how did that not make it into the episode ah I got him and with only one bit of power left that was close well I hope that wasn't important because I couldn't understand a [ __ ] of it what they don't recharge your power meter how the hell am I supposed to beat this thing oh hey enough with this guy having some trouble I'll tell you what I'll trade you these cheat codes for that spawn battle horse oh wait never mind you're above cheating aren't you shut up just give me the codes and get out of here here you go nerd thanks a lot giddy up yeah I'm cheating the win the medieval spawn levels where I noticed the game is cashing in on tomb raiders success you have to look for keys avoid booby traps and pull off difficult jumps and let me tell you all the refill health and power cheats in the world can't save you from the terrible jumping there's this one jump that I just can't get I keep falling into lava over and over again fun fact just a little piece of trivia here that spawn can [ __ ] fly this is ungodly boring I'm now a caveman spawn and it's the same old [ __ ] slow fights [ __ ] puzzles shitty jumping and terrible graphics I feel like I'm in hell and have even gotten a hell yet in the game when you do get there you find out it's a giant stairway that branches off into different levels the only thing somewhat interesting about this is that you get to fight the previous spawns you were playing as you also get to fight a fat spawn it might be that Billy Kincaid character I mentioned earlier but I could be wrong hours later I managed to get to the final boss which turns out to be violator again I already fought him and his brothers earlier they couldn't come up with anything else why not malbolge oh he's just sitting there in the back eating souls like sitting the back of a bar eating buffalo wings and then he dies for no reason after I killed violator why can't I kick his ass or rip off his head or something only two more to go and the next one's an arcade game but unfortunately hell's a little over budget and carrying arcade game in here it's outside of my weight class so you'll play it on the Dreamcast this game is very different from the others judging by the huge selection of spawn characters you can play as I'm guessing this is supposed to be more of a multiplayer game but the boss battle mode is focused on one player so let's do that did I get the right game cuz this is awesome seriously this is a lot of fun and not overly complicated you enter the stage and kill everything that moves simple as that you collect some power-ups and weapons and then kill the boss when he arrives each stage is timed and when you die it shapes 12 seconds off best of all your powers are simple to use and you can recharge your power meter finally a spawn game that's free from [ __ ] and it's fast too I'm about to kill vaporiser and beat the game what I gotta beat the game again it's pulling the same [ __ ] as the gameboy version well Who am I gonna find to help me beat this game while in hell you're somebody called a clown stuff sure why not Sterns clear yes well thanks for helping me out hey anything for a friend right here here's the final game from your pal clowns to see you I think we hit the jackpot with this one it starts with a Marilyn Manson song Todd McFarlane worked on the story and they got the best voice they could for spawn the animated series version himself Keith David it was easy you're my [ __ ] spawn the eternal might have tried and failed to be Tomb Raider and Mortal Kombat but this game succeeds in imitating Devil May Cry sure that game might be better but if we're talking spawn games this is the cream of the crop you can easily use and recharge your powers and you have a whole arsenal of weapons the boss fights are hard but not unfair there's a strategy to beating them well our journey started a little bumpy it got really rough in the middle and now I think we're at the light at the end of the tunnel now let's fight that final boss oh no it's Redeemer he's back and he's upgraded to become the legendary Metatron the Metatron was a mythological celestial scribe and the highest of all angels but here he's just Scorponok from Transformers fire everything you got and chopped away with your battle axe yeah I did it I did it Satan I beat your games fine looks like you've won this time boss he cheated I found these codes and passwords in the nerve room you set me up you jaded didn't grow didn't improve it took the shortcut and gained nothing you two must face each other in this the winner can leave the loser will be sent to the worst he'll ever imagine I'm giving you teammates to make sure you play fair and square now go whoa works hell imaginal my fat ass come on seeing good pranks now send me back to regular hell Satan Satan you're not dating a man that's a nice clown costume you want a review spawn with me next time nerd next time you're cruel and miserable games you exist for one purpose to reap everything I've sown you robbed me not only of my childhood but my adulthood too I've been cursed to play your [ __ ] till the end of time but thankfully the end of time is about to come the year 2020 is upon us doomsday yeah there were 20 years off with y2k but this is it for real and with only one week left the ceremony must begin you must wear these masks until the mid night of New Year's they've been carefully selected as caricatures of your true shitty natures your mask represents the solicitor the one who uses familiar source material to cash in and disrespects the love for the franchise you don't respond to love you only respond to what your petty hunger dictates to things that have value you're the kind that appraises franchises without seeing their beauty you're nothing but greed your mask is the overzealous coward the one who has nothing to give but somehow gives too much of it you're an overflowing garbage can of Filth bloated and back to the gills with nonsense [ __ ] to the highest capacity to hide your incompetent broken gameplay and of course you you wear the mask of the heartless Punisher tricking me with useless weaponry and sucker punch pitfalls at every step you see humanity as small animals caught in a trap to be tortured your pleasure is the giving of pain from this you feel the same sense of joy one might get from a kiss or an embrace shame on you shame on all you shitty games all your cryptic mazes bad controls unfair jumps vomit-inducing graphics Lakha continues long passwords I hope you're proud of yourselves may God the devil and whatever else have pity on you and as for me I wear the mask of the thing that stalks me at this very moment you shitty shitty games you stole my life away it's all yours you inherit everything left of my soul now you can dig deep in the Treasury but before the world ends I must play one last game submitted for your approval mr. nerd a frustrated gamer with no life outside this room except for a virtual world which he's created a world that will come to an end when his anger causes its total destruction under yours either but until then he has one week to take care of some unfinished business he must complete one of the most beloved Zelda games but jurors mask other youtubers cherish it but this is not your usual reviewer this is the angry video game nerd when it comes to fantasy adventure games I can't think of any franchise that has made as big an impact on me as Zelda each installment was a milestone that represented the full capabilities of the console was released on and the generation of its time the overhead 2d format will always be the traditional classic Zelda for me but the franchise was never afraid to experiment Zelda 2 was a side scroller and Ocarina of Time was three-dimensional even though the 3d format somehow it became the standard after that but anyway ocarina was such a big hit the next thing I knew a VHS tape came in the mail promoting Majora's Mask I thought to myself what another Zelda game already judging by the look of it it seemed they reused the same 3d engine as ocarina which was confirmed but it also seemed Nintendo was being careful not to copy ocarina too much so they reinvented the franchise as we know it know Ganon no Triforce no Hyrule and no Zelda except for a brief flashback at that time I had just burnt myself out finishing ocarina and moved on to other things so I sadly missed out on Majora's Mask but in the 20 years since I never stopped thinking about that creepy moon as time went on I've heard so much enthusiasm for this game it has a whole community behind it and some people even say it's the greatest Zelda game ever made so it's been a bucket list item for me which I'm finally about to check off the list first I have to get out of the way the Nintendo 64's graphics look like [ __ ] and aged like [ __ ] to those blocky and murky textures oh but hey what can you do its Nintendo 64 you can't blame them but the pioneering days of 3d graphics don't hold up as well as the 2d games I mean look at Link to the Past in my opinion that still shines as perfect as ever back to majora the setting is a doomed world called terminó which was created from the powers of a dark magical mask Majora's of course after the mask was stolen by Skull Kid it somehow formed termina vaguely modeling it after memories of Hyrule and it's an evidence which is why many characters look the same but this world is only temporary as the big scary moon is slowly coming down to crash and kill everyone and everything I have to say that moon is [ __ ] awesome it's cool just knowing it's always up there staring down at you there's only three days left to live the people are all aware of the coming apocalypse but there's nothing they can do about it nor are they even trying to do anything they just sit around and say yep we're all gonna die man that's depressing this is a depressing game I like it so link has to save the world the goal is more or less the same as any Zelda game you have to complete a series of dungeons and do a bunch of random [ __ ] in between a big part of this game is the learning of ocarina melodies and collection of masks which all give you different unique capabilities most are optional but the main required masks transform link into different species like Deku goron & Zora when transformed you can use those species powers and skills which is vital in progressing in certain parts of the game when link puts the masks on apparently it's painful oh jeez he's screaming in agony man I feel bad for making them do that in short it's your typical Zelda with some new game mechanics here and there however there is one major thing that sets it apart from the others as I said before they had to do something to make it stand out from ocarina well they figured why not give it a time limit Zelda with a time limit how does that work well as mentioned the moon is going to destroy everything in three days which roughly translates to one hour of playtime unless you play the song of inverted time which slows it down and gives you almost three hours if you let the clock run out what happens well of course I had to find out Wow well after 20 years that still looks cool so what exactly happens well simply put game over now of course you can't complete an entire Zelda game in less than three hours that's where the song of time comes in when you play it it acts as links time machine sending him back to the dawn of day one you keep your melodies and masks and any major items you've collected but the rest of the world resets the characters you've met all have forgotten and everything starts up again as if nothing happened so link is basically experiencing the same thing as Bill Murray and Groundhog Day cursed to relive the same events over and over no wonder why he acts like there's no consequences breaking into people's homes strutting around like he owns the place walking away from explosions getting drunk at the bar dancing in front of strangers and igniting a bomb at somebody's front door to get them to come out like some kind of mischief night prank what an ass so basically any time before the third day ends you have to play that song and go back in time otherwise the moon will crash and you lose your progress you just don't let it happen playing the song it doesn't just send you back it also saves the game and it's the only way you can truly save there is a quick save which you can do by hitting owl statues but that's only a temporary safe then you can only load once yeah so if you want to save and feel good about it you got to go back in time now I always thought saving was the preservation of progress up until the present time but here to save you got to go back to the beginning what kind of sense does that make when you go back you keep your main items as mentioned but all your rupees are gone your arrows gone bombs gone sticks nuts bottled items any inventory it all goes away plus any side quests you are working on or people you've interacted with any items you've unlocked or special events that took place all that is lost so saving is something you don't want to do until the three days are almost up and you have no other choice you to put a lot of thought into what exactly you plan to accomplish before your next save you wouldn't want to start something on the second or third day and then realize you're at a time and have to do it over again it's like you have to plan your gameplay sessions within these three hour intervals many times I had to leave the system on overnight and pray for no power outages I got to be honest I like playing games we can save any time you one like Zelda oh man I can't records Elva because I'm playing [ __ ] Zelda then there's occasions where you need time to speed up certain events only happened during the day or night or at a specific hour or whatever you can skip forward with the song of double-time or a dancing scarecrow yeah a dancing scarecrow but these methods skip you ahead six to 12 hours you can't just go to whatever hour you want so you're still gonna wait around a lot and waiting is something that's never fun in real life or in games look at link scratching himself you can't take it anymore are you thinking what I'm thinking what if you're in a dungeon you know the main areas in Zelda games where most of the action and puzzle solving takes place the parts that usually take the most time and the most work what if you're up to your ass in one of those and the clock runs out with the song of time preserve your dungeon progress I don't want to find out with the song of inverted x slowing it down to three hours that's probably enough but don't even threaten me with that [ __ ] just the fact there's a time limit hovering over me makes me nervous as hell and takes all the fun away it would be like duct taping a bag of diarrhea to the ceiling while you try to get work done it probably won't fall as long as you make sure the duct tape is secure but then you stop and think it actually has no reason to be there I mean give me a reason a time limit in a Zelda game or are they [ __ ] thinking the clock is a story in itself at first it appears to be like the upper half of a regular analog clock especially since 12s at the top center but why is six on the right and left why is there both the Sun and a moon going around in a circle my intuitive nature to think it's anything like a regular clock only confused the hell out of myself from what I was able to make sense of it runs from 6 a.m. to 6 p.m. and then changes to 6 p.m. to 6 a.m. and so on for each day the yellow Sun is always a minute hand the red Sun is the hour hand but the red Sun changes to a moon at night why doesn't the minute hand also change to a moon why not just have a regular clock or a simple digital counter I mentioned every time you go back and save you'll lose your rupees unless first you deposit them in the bank now let me tell you about the bank because this is a whole [ __ ] show first of all what's up with the bank teller what's she doing yeah that's great have you ever gone to the bank and the teller is flashing their arms up and down if that has ever happened I'd like to know it's amusing the first time you see it maybe the 10th but by the hundredth time you have to go through the same dialog every time an actual ATM is quicker and then you have to enter the amount you want to deposit of course you want to deposit all but there's no option for all you have to enter the exact amount you have and if it's a lot she gives you interest immediately handing over five rupees now I have to go through that all over again just a deposit 5 rupees can you just add it to my balance then after you save you have to withdraw your rupees which means going back to the bank and going through all the dialogue again and after you withdraw you pay a service charge of 4 rupees then what was the point of the 5 rupees you gave me earlier and there's no withdrawal all option either again you have to enter the exact amount one time I only took out a partial amount then decided I wanted more and the dialogues started up again excuse me but let me take a look at you ah yes link you have to recognize me again I was just here I'd even go anywhere I've been standing right in front of your [ __ ] Faith's you know how fast this could work like this deposit withdraw all or enter amount what's so hard about that or even better just keep your rupees like every other Zelda game you might be thinking this is just a minor thing just a small part in the game but no no this is a huge major part because every single time you save you have to repeat the whole deposit withdraw routine and it doesn't end there you also have to restock your arrows bombs bottle items everything so good luck farming for all that [ __ ] every single time it's the only game I know we're saving could take twenty minutes multi the time limit the saving that sends you back the weird clock the banking system that's probably all the bad things right I'm gonna move ahead now and just assume the rest of the game is totally perfect but I've been wrong before let's look on the bright side which in this case is the dark side the visual design it's bizarre twisted and downright unsettling I love it dude it's like a combination of neverending story and Nightmare Before Christmas this games got some weird [ __ ] there's the happy mask salesman who speaks of jarring jump cuts and then without any warning strangles link for a bit too long then there's a certain song that summons a creepy linked statue oh now that's some freaky deaky [ __ ] then there's beings known as them or they that come out at night there's the professor with the goat like head yeah this guy's one of my favorites there's guru guru who plays the organ grinder faster and faster and faster he keeps getting more and more tense his anxious mood rubs off on you then there's mummies that stare into your soul oh dude but perhaps the creepiest part is when you go into this house and out of the cabinet comes this thing then this little girl stands in front of him who turns out to be his daughter she knows her dad turned into some monster but she still loves him that's some sad [ __ ] you play the song of healing he reverts back to his regular self and they hug it out oh oh man I got a light in the mood the game has its share of funny moments like the arguing skulls the skeleton hand that comes out of the toilet asking for toilet paper I guess the shopkeeper who keeps itching himself I don't know what the point of most this is and it's not all that funny you just got to make it funny like these loving seahorses that give you a heart I don't know why that makes me laugh but it does when you swim I can't help but think that sounds like a cat puking or more specifically the pre puke hacking phase when the vomits being pumped okay you get it the puzzle solving is on par for what you'd expect with a Zelda game it's all about the brain teasers you have to melt ice on the ceiling to cause a waterfall to tilt a seesaw to raise yourself to the next one there's rooms you have to flip upside down and back again to drop blocks into certain areas to activate certain buttons and [ __ ] it's madness but that's Zelda there's also some really cool boss battles like this guy here definitely feeling the Tim Burton vibe so there I said some good things about the game but that's all anybody ever talks about is the good things the bad things well that's my job for me the majority of it has been consistently frustrating it has its share of bad camera angles difficult jumps and occasional glitches many of the boss battles are repetitive and grueling like this one where you have to kill all the eyeballs do you think there's enough eyeballs dialog can be a chore sometimes if there's more than one character close together it's hard to speak to the right one like here it's the kid I want to talk to but this [ __ ] keeps getting in my way when buying large quantities of items you have to buy them one at a time if you screw up a quest it can be insanely punishing making you have to go back to the first day to start again like I said many of these quests operate on a three-day schedule where you have to be in all the right places at the right time I went to a farm had to do a target practice session wait for a specific night defend a barn from a bunch of alien ghosts then defend a shipment of milk from bandits but I lost and just because of that I had to redo all the above the whole three-day cycle all over again it's easy to get disoriented for one example I just met the skeleton dude and now I'm supposed to chase him a cutscene plays and afterwards oh [ __ ] I'm facing in the wrong direction my reorient myself and go after him but now just because I delayed for one short moment I'm never able to catch up with him it's over rather than giving you a quick second chance you have to leave the area and come back why there's a wall with a maze of ladders that are invisible you have to use the lens of truth just to see them and then still you have to pick the right path every second they're visible you're depleting your magic meter I had just barely enough to find my way to the top look at this now that's an image all I'm trying to do is get a treasure and there's a black cloud over my head literally speaking of overhead there's a couple times when you have to win a race the first time you're in your goron body rolling with other gorons at first it seems like a cool minigame but the problem is you have to come in first place not second not third first they leave you no room for error if you bump into anything just once you won't make it you have to practice it over and over until you memorize every inch of that entire course the other race is on horseback but it's the same thing you need a perfect run and worse this time every try costs you 10 rupees considering this is a mini game and that racing is not the main skill in majora's mask or any Zelda game you'd think they could be a little more forgiving even in Mario Kart you don't have to be in first place to move on the controls suck do the clunkiness of the Nintendo 64 joystick I give it some slack here because they hadn't yet perfected the feel of 3d games but just try breath of the wild and then go back to this and you'll realize how far we've come not just controlling link but when you're on the menu screen it's a little awkward moving around plus the warp screen you think you can just push up to go up but nothing works the way it should for these screens it would have been nice to have the option of using the d-pad aiming your weapons is never easy I'm trying to hook shot onto the turtle's back I've aimed for the shell I've aimed for the tree I've tried it from every angle I could think of but it only works whenever it feels like it there's many areas where you have to shoot ice arrows into the water to create glaciers to hop on but sometimes it just doesn't work there's no clear reason come on come on what the [ __ ] I've heard in the 3ds version the water sparkles to show you exactly where to shoot I imagine the controls are a lot smoother on the 3ds - and I think that's a great idea to re-release a game and fix up the flaws but that doesn't erase the past which is where I take you so yeah I would have probably had a better time with a 3ds version but for historical sake I got it do the original anyway now try shooting arrows through a flame to light a torch a mile away while standing on a spinning [ __ ] platform here I'm trying to climb on the red pipe anytime you have to walk on a narrow path it turns into a balancing act all I'm trying to do is keep the joystick straight why is this so hard oh [ __ ] [ __ ] keep it steady keep it steady oh my god I'm stuck I'm stuck Oh made this part you got to do the Goron role on the bridge hit the ramp and jump across but each time I veer slightly to the side and fall down and then you have to go all the way back and climb a ladder just to get to the starting point again all right here we go oh oh oh [ __ ] it's like bowling a gutter ball you're so mad you want to try again immediately but you got away your turn go go back how about jumping on invisible platforms that are slippery with ice and getting knocked back by spiders yeah that's real fun there's a part where you have to enter a cave but it's blocked by a giant boulder the goal is to blow it up using an explosive barrel that you get from a big goron as soon as he gives you the barrel time starts ticking down you have to hurry and carry it over the cave before it explodes right off the bat they put all these ramps in front of you you can't carry it while walking up the ramps so you have to repeatedly throw the barrel and pick it up again and again and again then you have to find the cave as fast as humanly possible like everything they give you just enough time for a perfect run if you get a little bit lost along the way or you don't take the most direct path or bump into something or drop the barrel for one moment you're done just give up I just want to get over the bridge get out of my way pick it up pick it up get the bow here we go here we go I can see the cave I can see the cave gonna make it gonna make it ah pick up pick it up ah finally I'm gonna do it I just did a perfect run plenty of time left but it's about to change from night to day that's kind of distracting but no worries right alright put the barrel right in front of the boulder or set it's there it's there now all i gotta do is sit back and wait for the explosion alright Don a second day alright where's the berry where is the [ __ ] barrel you're gonna take the barrel just because the day changed that's worse than Simon's quest imagine if in Simon's quest every time it changes it restarts whatever task you're working on [ __ ] you [ __ ] you [ __ ] you [ __ ] you [ __ ] you [ __ ] you [ __ ] you you know what [ __ ] this game yeah I said it out did I want to rip apart Majora's Mask No but the game drew first blood not me the Great Bay temple is the stuff of which nightmares are born the stuff of legendary video game trauma all I gotta say is the whirlpool room oh [ __ ] me the whirlpool room it's a huge underwater room which is like the main hub of the entire dungeon full of tunnels that lead every which way not even the map can make sense because you're never sure which level you're on this is before 3d maps were common like in breath of the wild but besides being confusing you can hardly control where you're going the water pushes you all around forcing you to swim in circles even if you know which tunnel you're trying to go in the current will pull you away you have to get tricky and hug the wall certain way and just as you're about to pass by the tunnel you quickly turn into it but if you screw up and get sucked into the wrong tunnel it could shut you out in some other part of the dungeon you don't want to be in and next thing you're retracing your steps to get back to where you were but you can't waste all that time when time is not on your side that moon is gonna crash the first day I'm feeling fine second day I'm starting to worry a little the third day I'm playing like my life depends on it if time runs out everything I did might go to waste hours of blood sweat and tears well maybe not blood but Here I am just doing my best that sound the toll of the [ __ ] Bell I've done for the thing is I'm almost there push the switch get on the waterspout go in the final door and I've made it to the boss but that timer doesn't care give me a minute six minutes six minutes that's enough time it might be I don't want to play the ocarina now because I'm not sure exactly what that does so these bosses you can't be under a rush you have to have patience so that you can watch the boss learn their weak spot find their patterns but the way things are right now I don't think this is happening and if it does it's gonna be the last possible second and then wife I have to bail out use the ocarina but I get knocked into the water and I can't use the octarine or something so I need to make a decision here please don't make me do the dungeon over please please yeah I have to do the entire dungeon all over again I still have the compass in the map what pretty [ __ ] do but I have to get all the keys again reactivate all the water valves and it's basically like starting over I haven't felt this kind of rage in a long time I can feel the diarrhea flowing through my veins Oh even with Jekyll and Hyde I'd have to play that [ __ ] for a solid week pick up the controller and start in this game is like a sentence you're sentencing yourself to a punishment and everybody else loves it well I thought I loved [ __ ] majora's mask more like major ass alright let's beat the [ __ ] out of this game it's that special kind of feeling the kind where nothing else matters when you're punching the couch and playing standing up it's gotten real you will show that game what the [ __ ] you're made of I did I beat the dungeon only one left all right last dungeon last dungeon here we go yeah take that you [ __ ] yeah I did beat the boss pick up the boss remains oh hang on I gotta get the heart container too I can still get that heart right now gonna watch the cutscene please let that heart still be there please how do I get the heart now so I looked it up you can get the heart still oh yeah if you beat the boss again oh so you have to pick up the heart container before you pick up the boss remains I know there's a specific order now you might think I'm the one who [ __ ] up but that shouldn't be possible the boss remains were in front of the heart so naturally that's what I touched first geez have a heart am I done yet well almost there's a ton of quests left mostly optional I did one that had me running around delivering letters and waiting for people to show up in different places all throughout the 3-day cycle the final part you have to wait in a hotel room until there's only 1 minute and 30 seconds left on the timer needless to say my nerves were skyrocketing again but what happened here was perhaps one of the most solemn do me and emotionally heart-wrenching scenes in the whole game or any game these people are all sitting around waiting for the world to end what can you say about that there are only characters in a game but I can't help but wonder what could be going through their minds you're forced to stand there and wait with them until that counter goes down while the music just swells over you then the person you're waiting for enters the room and two long-lost lover's reunite and get married with link as the witness and with that resolved they tell link to take refuge as they both wait they're ready to die together at last Wow goosebumps man I got them all the RL Stein books then you encounter Skull Kid play a melody and summon four giants that come marching to hold the moon it's like Atlas of Greek mythology holding up the heavens and with that music playing over it it's a truly epic scene then you ascend up into the moon which doesn't look like a moon at all instead it's a grassy field with a tree and a bunch of kids running around with masks there's something really eerie about this it's like a scene out of the Wicker Man I mean the original not that Nic Cage won so there's still a lot to do here but at this point I'm taking the quickest possible route I talked to the kid who's wearing Majora's Mask he warns me I only have week masks and I'm aware I haven't fully powered my sword or gotten the fierce deity mask or any of the things that are supposed to make the game a hell of a lot easier not to mention that heart they didn't let me get but you know what I'm going forward anyway cuz [ __ ] it the final battle begins George masks floats all around shooting lasers and spitting like a buzzsaw I defend with my shield carefully time my sword hits and deflect the lasers back it's a long process but I beat him now what the second forum majora takes on a humanoid shape dancing around like an idiot the [ __ ] okay this time I play more offensive going in close and slashing away until he's done oh [ __ ] this is where it starts doesn't it his third form doesn't mess around he has these long lips that have such a great range even if you stand on the far opposite side of room you can still get hit and once he hits you he doesn't stop oh come on let me get up come on you [ __ ] piece of dog dick I carefully aim my light arrows to stun him then run across the room and I just barely have enough time to get some sword swipes in rinse and repeat it's just a reminder I do not have the recommended sword all the masks or all the heart containers so if all along you've been saying I suck at this game will then suck on this [ __ ] I beat them it's finally over in true Zelda fashion you get a big ending scene where all the characters you've met come together with peace and harmony is the world really going to end just because I have a distaste for majora's mask I do like certain things about it I like its style and mood there's something profound and fascinating about the world of termina the interesting characters it's populated with and there are multiple storylines and personal tribulations does it all exist as a dream within Hyrule is Hyrule terminus heaven some even believe link is supposed to be dead there's so many different ways to interpret it like religions of the world this game is truly a work of art I love the concept I love the lore I love the creepy visuals that provoke an innocent childhood sense of worry I love the rich storylines and all the above but the part I don't like very much is the game part and that's the part that seems to get discussed the least I mean it's not a movie it's not a comic book it's a game one that has graded at my nerves not just while playing it but also during the intervals in between when I was not playing and feeling extreme anxiety feverishly anticipating when I will get my hands on it next to conquer this thing and get it off my daily chores you saw all the trouble I had with it that's not my idea of fun and I don't want it in my life call it a love/hate thing so nerd signing out we're still here the world didn't end all right time for the unmasking no no mr. nerd forever stuck in the world that exists in his mind a world he cannot end perpetually surrounding himself with games he hates yet cannot stop playing tonight's tale of the McCobb masochists and majora's mask on the angry video game nerd you

Channel: Cinemassacre

Views: 3,162,099

Rating: 4.8073411 out of 5

Keywords: avgn season 13, angry video game nerd season 13, avgn season Thirteen, angry video game nerd season Thirteen, avgn Thirteenth season, avgn, angry video game nerd

Id: isfvb5ZDOCw

Length: 217min 30sec (13050 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 05 2020