Angry Video Game Nerd - Season 11 (AVGN Full Season Eleven)

angry nintendo nerd atari nerd sega nerd playstation nerd tiger electronic wristwatch game nerd form angry video game nerd [Music] okay oh what do you get when you take godzilla ultraman common rider voltron say by the bell and put them all together you get power rangers it was like an extended toy commercial with action figures being staged in epic shots it was martial arts it was comedy it was giant japanese rubber suit monsters it was mechanical dinosaurs it was robots coming together to make bigger robots a turtle with the traffic light on its head monsters that would make wise cracks and rap and ridden around all these japanese action scenes was an american teenage sitcom power rangers uses stock footage from a long-running japanese show super sentai a tradition which still continues to this very day with two separate franchises both going on at the same time adapting a show that's crazy to begin with and then making an american japanese hodgepodge taking the insanity of both cultures and putting them together may seem like overkill but no it went over big in fact in its prime mighty morphin power rangers was so popular it was like the successor to ninja turtles and of course that meant video games video games up the ass it's so far up the ass it would be impossible for me to play every one of them so here's just a sampling of some of the power rangers games and i'm counting on at least one of them to get my blood boiling let's start at the beginning i have a couple super sentai games on the famicom keeping in mind this is the show that spawned power rangers the first game released in 1991 is super sentai jet man this is based on the 15th season of super sentai basically before power rangers came into existence you pick your character and then have to beat five stages in any order you like it's a simple mediocre side scroller the controls are smooth enough and there's nothing too dumb here except the pause button is select instead of start which i'm used to start is the special move every time i try to pause the game i end up wasting the special move two the characters use a sword two of them use a gun and the other does something different it's like they tried giving all the characters unique attacks but got only halfway before they ran out of time and why wouldn't you pick the character with the long range attack anyway when one of them dies you lose that character sort of like ninja turtles on nes but the levels are so short and easy you're more likely to die on the boss and in that case you start the stage over anyway the boss battles are the most awkward frustrating parts of the game it's like two toasters boxing you just mash buttons then block then mash more buttons hoping to land some hits it does look cool i'll give it that but what's up with the jump punch i am not a fan of jump punching how do you expect to hit something like that and why does one of the legs shrink like matching a frog's leg with an elephant's leg huh every now and then you can charge up for a special move and that's where it's at the next game released in 92 was based on jew ranger which was super sentai's 16th season and the one which became the basis for the first season of power rangers and listen here it has the zhu ranger theme song [Music] this game is more linear you go through the stages in a set order each stage you're a different ranger once again it's pretty self-explanatory you just run to the right and fight off enemies with a gun halfway through you get a new weapon but what kind of attack is that you're just blindly swinging a knife around like michael myers at the end of halloween two the 1981 version of halloween too what the hell i have to say i barely got through the first stage with this platform jumping spikes and lousy short-range weapon i almost gave up but now i'm at the boss and i almost got it all right yeah sometimes it takes a while to succeed but if you keep trying [Music] what just happened no no that that wasn't real so i beat the first stage again and sure enough it drastically switches as if you're suddenly playing a different game a game called megazord and dragon zord play ping pong it's megazord and dragonzord playing ping pong oh my god imagine when the new godzilla vs king kong movie comes out if it's just them playing ping pong yeah king kong plays ping pong and then [ __ ] forrest gump shows up would you be disappointed or would it be the most historically amazing thing you've ever witnessed as you progress through the game you take control the different ranger characters and surprisingly it gets much easier probably because the other weapons are so much better i can't think of any other game where all the difficulty is in the first stage and then it goes downhill is that the blue ranger or mega man in between each stage there's these weird mini games like ping pong as i mentioned also there's a bomb toss game which is basically hot potato except it's hot bomb blows up in your face then there's a trivia game unfortunately i can't read japanese so i'll just pretend i got it right but anyway the password system is perhaps one of the strangest i've ever seen it's three images of a ranger each with three selectable poses so it's not really a password it's more like a past pose and if you try different combinations you have a good chance of guessing unlike the show there is no american adaptation of this game for the nes there is an unofficial cartridge that changed the title to power rangers but the only difference is the label and the title screen which glitches like crazy but could you imagine if there was a power rangers nes game that took stages from the japanese game and added american stages just like they did with the show to simulate this experience just play something else like family feud and then switch it to super sentai zhu ranger yeah it's pretty amazing how much mileage you can get from using stock footage you know what to get through this video i might as well just use stock clips from past nerd episodes [Music] the famicom games are mediocre but not terrible so let's step into 16-bit territory next up power rangers on super nintendo well hot damn it has the theme song and it sounds pretty good it even has vocals you can select anybody from the initial ranger lineup each one of them has their own fighting style their own special moves which actually makes it fun to try out all the different characters it's just an average beat-em-up game all you do is run around and punch people and it can get monotonous but for the time period it's good like robin hood you start out in your regular clothes then you power up in the ranger suit the only thing they slacked on was the rangers all have the same exact body type which is surreal to see trini for example turn from thin to muscular each ranger has their unique weapon and a grand sweeping power move that wipes out everybody on screen yeah but the game fights you back on it eventually with a giant laser that comes out of nowhere ah it's just like a giant middle finger saying [ __ ] you i hate this thing oh wait it kills enemies too now i like it and you power up your health with chicken legs save some for simon belmont it ends with a megazord battle which is clunky and only a slight improvement over the battles in the famicom game but it looks great for the time this was very satisfactory it was just like playing an episode of the show nothing much to get angry about here there's another one on super nintendo power rangers the movie the game featuring ivan ooze remember that because otherwise it has nothing to do with the movie it's another beat em up but there's this weird jumping thing you do to alternate between the background and foreground plane like you have two separate two-dimensional planes that you walk on could they just take a hint from all the other beat-em-up games but the big problem with this it's way too hard i had no problem finishing the other game so why here can i get through the first stage let's check out power rangers on sega genesis okay so it's a street fighter style game a shitty one that uses only two of the buttons yoga fire the problem here once again is the difficulty the game just punishes you over and over again it forces you into using cheap moves yeah i'll just keep spinning around how do you like that there's not much to say here back in the day if you had nothing better to do this wouldn't be so bad but now it's just like finding an old dried turd on a playground just forget about it it no longer smells it's not hurting anybody it doesn't need to be tended to just walk away then there's the sega cd game well if you felt like watching the show in [ __ ] quality with a bunch of button commands on screen then this is the game for you it's trying to be like the dragon's lair arcade or one of those type of games but in dragon's lair if you fail to press the button at the right time you see a different outcome a different video is loaded to show the character dying or whatever here no matter what you do the episode continues to play normally you'd think if you missed a button the power rangers would get hit or something they actually do get hit sometimes but that happens either way whether or not it syncs up with what you're doing is pure coincidence all they did was take the show and put a little button game on top of it this is the cheapest way possible to turn a show into a game that would be like watching an episode of green acres with button commands what sense does that make want to play power rangers on sega cd just watch the show while playing simon says at least it's not simon's quest alright let's crank up that diarrhea dial here's power rangers light speed rescue on nintendo 64. three two one go okay first of all i'm not trying to be vulgar but what does that look like you shoot laser projectiles out your vagina yeah i had to double check that it was the yellow ranger because it looks more like the mustard shit-stained ranger the objective is to clean up green slime nice that's appealing i thought superman had it bad having to go around flying through rings all day the power rangers have to clean up nasty mucus at least there's enemies to fight but even that is boring all you do is run and shoot most the buttons do nothing there's no jump no crouch no sidestep nothing like that this is a game that was designed to be played on an atari controller you can even run through enemies yeah moment down oh look they're coming out of the walls it's like the twilight zone and when you run behind the buildings they vanish from reality but not completely they become a shadow of their former existence yeah ever have that happen happens to my house all the time it's a very spacious game there's no hallways or boundaries to guide you around if you run in any direction it'll be minutes before something eventually blocks your path how far do these boundaries go i just keep running and running and running and running and for whatever reason they didn't know how to loop the music so instead it abruptly stops and starts up again [Music] it's a very jarring shift in tone not to mention it's the same music the entire game oh except the title screen which is repeated for the cut scenes and all that so only two music tracks total after that you get this awkward driving stage where you rescue people over here love hearing those voices over and over again over here over here over here all right over here all right over here all right over here all right next there's an awkward megazord fight where you battle against a semi-invisible monster it's all in first person view except when you manage to get close it switches to third person but it's hard to stay close so it always switches back and forth it's morphine time i need some morphine then you get these flying stages again the goal is to rescue people not much to say overall there's only four types of stages at least from what i've seen and the problem with this game is that it's too simple n64 was capable of a lot more it's bad but in a boring way i've seen worse see my standards are much lower it's not making obnoxious screeching sounds you don't die in one hit and have to start the whole thing over it doesn't glitch so bad you can't play it you don't have to drive a bus for eight hours it's not bright red and you have to hold it up to your eyes it's actually like a game just a real boring one so i don't know i'm not really feeling the anger too much with this one i wasn't gonna stoop this low but let's try out the game boy versions so here's power rangers on game boy well it's basically the same thing as the super nintendo version so i'm not really gonna pick it apart and what's the point of course it's going to be worse on game boy and don't get me wrong there's lots of great exclusive games on game boy like links awakening for example the key word here is exclusive i need to find something that isn't trying to be like the super nintendo version something different but okay that's weird that's the most confusing continue screen i've ever seen so i punched the word no away so that that mean i picked yes because no got punched away or does that mean that the word i punched is the word yeah yeah i picked no [ __ ] okay so let's try out power rangers the movie the game boy game alright this one is different an exclusive game but is it exclusively bad well let me ask if this follows the movie the yellow ranger would be aisha not trini which means they got the skin color wrong but it is game boy and the only reason i even know it's the yellow ranger is because these games were optimized for the super game boy with their own color design and border graphics otherwise take a look at the rangers which one's your favorite the dark green dark green dark green dark green dark green or dark green ranger mine's the dark green ranger the gameplay is pretty much the same as most the side scrolling ranger games you choose a ranger choose a stage take out enemies move to the right get in the ranger suit fight a boss and so on but the [ __ ] factor skyrockets when you get an ass full of bad hit detection unresponsive jumping awkward jump punching cheap boss battles and randomly changing rules let me explain here there's a stage where you get in a mine cart or stand on top of it classic imagine this ranger doing his grocery shopping does he stand on the shopping cart let me know if you ever see anybody doing that anyway when you're standing on the cart the d-pad controls the cart's movement from left to right but as soon as another cart shows up it changes now the d-pad makes you walk off the cart which results instantly in depth i fell two feet from the ground how do you die couldn't it just take a little bit of health away why does it have to kill you you're supposed to jump to the second cart which requires precision timing and distance naturally you're gonna push right while you're jumping but pushing right will make you walk off the cart and die your sudden instincts make you want to control the cart to get to the correct distance you're so used to controlling the cart it comes unexpected when all of a sudden you walk off and die if you're still touching the d-pad when that second cart shows up you die if you let the carts touch you die jump too soon you die jump too late you die you [ __ ] die and now you know the type of anger i'm talking about hey name one game where the punch and kick alternates back and forth automatically mighty morphin power rangers the movie on game boy when you hit the button it's a punch hit it again it's a kick then it's a punch a kick a punch a kick you try to attack but you end up doing the wrong move you'll never know if it's going to be a punch or a kick unless you keep track the whole time this problem escalates when you get to the sand oh god the sand let me tell you about this you have to punch and kick all the sand out of the way and it's a race against time because there's a machine following close behind you if it touches you it's a one-hit death you have to get rid of that sand as fast as humanly possible you can't afford any wasted hits which means you have to master the science behind this punch kick phenomenon the top square can only be taken out with a punch the middle with a kick or a ducking punch the bottom only with a duck and kick so not only do you have to know when it's going to be a punch or a kick but you also have to know when to be standing or ducking the only successful pattern i've found is duck stand stand duck duck stand i can't even do it without saying it out loud duck stand stand duck duck stand duck stand stand duck duck stand [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] oh now i'm angry now that's what i'm talking about you [ __ ] game is that the way you like it that's the way you're gonna get it power glove power power rocker power yeah you [ __ ] game [Laughter] [Music] remember my christmas wishlist episodes that was when i answered to one of my biggest requests the request i hear all the time is the bad sonic the hedgehog games what bad sonic games in this episode i talked about how awesome the sonic franchise was but then examined some of the titles that i hadn't played till then and these are the ones you could say were not so good but the requests still continue the game everyone keeps pointing me to is sonic the hedgehog or sonic 06 as it's known by but i can't imagine it being that bad because it's xbox 360. it's only slightly over 10 years old i mean how bad could this pop it's gonna [ __ ] suck isn't it oh wow the opening scene looks great i mean the graphics are great but what am i looking at exactly is this final fantasy meets pacific rim then dr robotnik shows i mean excuse me eggman i'll never get used to that and then sonic comes in but where are we this doesn't look like any sonic universe that i know then we get a loading screen and then another cut scene yeah there's loading in between the cut scenes but the second scene looks nothing like the other now it looks more like the in-game graphics but you're not playing it then there's another load screen and after that the game finally starts but the loading only gets worse anytime you push a button or do anything or scratch your nose it loads like here look at this you go up to talk to someone it loads then they say something and it loads again and the loading can take as long as 20 seconds maybe more so far this game has given me nothing but [ __ ] the game is giving me [ __ ] no no no what are we doing in a town anyway i'm not aware of any sonic games where sonic the hedgehog is coexisting with human beings i mean look at this guy he doesn't belong in a sonic game he looks like he should be doing your taxes and they're all speaking a thousand silent words per minute especially him the only word on the screen is welcome but his mouth is moving like crazy what could he possibly be saying welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome here we have bob hoskins from super mario brothers the movie then there's this crack addict in an alley hey hey did you see that did you hear that where this guy's moving around like a creepy marionette dummy and this old woman bugs me out too what makes this whole thing even more disturbing is that the same people are repeated throughout the town what is this place you can harass people in this game too it doesn't have any lasting effects it's just enough to make their day miserable whoa what's happening here tails was here for a second and now the game is beating itself up uh it's [ __ ] up [ __ ] up take cover take cover there's a bunch of guards blocking the path but if you try you can actually run past them slightly they're not blocking it there's some kind of unseen force that they happen to be standing in front of other times there's nothing there at all the whole game is enclosed by invisible barriers so where do i go they are scattered all over did tails just kill himself it may be hard it may be hard to collect them all he just couldn't take it the game was that bad [Applause] [Music] to get anywhere first you have to talk to this raving madman who gives you shoes shoes shoes once you have the shoes you get to run through a bunch of hoops who does sonic think he is superman after you do that you're able to buy the light chip which allows you to jump across the water which leads to the entrance the entrance to level one in the level the game takes on a fantasy style which is more like what you'd expect from a sonic game this is where the action begins you're fighting robots you're running around loops you're doing all the fun stuff you'd want but it's not fun it almost is you're doing something that would normally be fun but there's something on top of it that's making it less preferable like jumping on a trampoline with a bucket full of dog turds on it most of the experience is sort of automated all you do is push buttons at the right time and sonic jumps to wherever he's supposed to land including a killer whale it looks cool but you're not controlling much of it when you take out enemies sonic automatically locks onto his target so all you're doing is tapping the button over and over but the gameplay changes every 10 seconds so there's no way to really sum it up it's all over the place you also get some kind of weapon called a dummy ring bomb what kind of name is that what else is there dope gem gun you can move the camera angle but if there's anything in your way the camera stops as if there's physically a camera that exists which bangs into everything then there's other times when the camera angles are automatic but there's a few moments where sonic actually runs past the camera [Music] oh man i knew we should got the flash okay just hanging on the whale here [Music] what just happened it switched to tails but there's hardly any warning and it faces you in the wrong direction not to mention when you die you go back not back to the start of the level oh no not back to the town either no no you go back to the opening cut scene damn is that a punishment or what the only thing worse i could think of is if the xbox spit out the game which landed back inside the case which re-shrink-wrapped itself and flew back to the store so you had to buy it again anyway i made it to the end of the stage a gate comes down which prevents the whale from getting out so the goal all along was to trap the whale as spock would say this is not the hell your whale i thought you'd be freeing the whale like free [ __ ] willy by the way don't you think on the poster of free willy it looks like the kid is punching the whale who the hell could punch a killer whale so hard that it becomes airborne you don't [ __ ] with that kid anyway after the whale the stage still goes on because it feels like it now sonic is running automatically at top speed you have to steer to avoid smashing face first into everything in sight i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i won't act mission what kind of terminology is that that's like saying cleared level stage this game is dick [ __ ] after this you find a feather which clues in sonic that the princess was moved to another location seriously you're gonna pull that princesses in another castle [ __ ] this isn't super mario brothers also when the feather falls down it reminds me of the opening scene of forrest gump my mom always said life was like a box of [ __ ] you're always gonna get [ __ ] so we're in the town again yeah the town is like the main hub which links you to all the stages so every time you beat a stage you have to go back to the town and complete some other asinine goal for example there's an area which you're trying to gain access to the guard pietro says to find the captain all right so now i'm running all over the place like an idiot trying to find this person i talk to everyone and nobody knows who the captain is now i'm talking to pietro again he asks me if i found the captain i say no he says let's wait a while so once again i'm running around aimlessly there's nobody else to talk to so i go back to pietro again did you find the captain hmm yes [ __ ] it now he says go talk to the person who i think is the captain oh so it's like a guessing game now wait a minute is it pietro you guessed it i'm the captain it was this [ __ ] the whole time shitty game design is one thing but this was an intentional cheap shot they pulled a joke they [ __ ] you over [ __ ] then there's a kid who wants you to find his dog really a sonic the hedgehog game where sonic has to retrieve a lost dog this isn't a side quest this is something you need to do to progress in the game so i'm running all over the place looking for this dog but no luck so i go back to the kid to see which direction he's pointing he says the dog is over there okay that should help but but hang on where's he pointing wait you can't be serious he's pointing at a wall you know what kid how about you find the dog put up some posters that boy's got to think you got a pet you got a responsibility if your dog gets lost you don't stand there pointing at a wall you get your ass out there and you find that [ __ ] dog so i complete the task i get the kid's dog and hang on stop and think about this it's designed to look like a real-life dog yet it's sitting next to a giant cartoon hedgehog what kind of world does this game exist in by the way am i hearing mega man 2 music [Music] gotta get through the gate oh come on what can i just jump over it can i can i i can just jump over it i find it amusing how sonic can propel himself by touching these bumpers even though he touches them from the back i think that kind of thing happens in some of the classic side-scrolling sonic games but of all the things they could have included from the classic games why that that would be like making a new castlevania game and making sure to include the ability to moonwalk on the stairs but otherwise doing whatever garbage you want whoa did you see that ah all i did was jump the game can't handle that sometimes if you run up against the wall you lose control and sonic does this sideways moonwalk and sometimes you end up standing at a strange angle why is he standing like that why is he hovering in the air why can't he jump without going upside down why is it when you fall in the water you disappear or fall through the ocean floor what other game can you think of where you fall in the water and end up in the sky and sometimes sonic just completely spazzes out uh i changed my mind this game's awesome [Music] so after you go to egypt and defeat the giant transformer dog by grabbing the lightsaber that's sticking out the back of his neck and riding him headfirst into a wall you rescue the princess i'm pretty sure she can walk but sonic is always carrying her even when he's not running anyway you race through the next stage and there's all these fallen pillars in the way but you can go right through them okay now it's like we're playing big rigs no stage would be complete if it didn't throw you some kind of curveball here whenever you're running on sand you have to hold rt which surrounds you in a magic aura otherwise you fall through the sand you don't sink in it like it were quicksand you fall right through maybe it's really quick quicksand oh come on how was i supposed to see that coming the pillar was in the way this is all too much there's enemies everywhere i'm bouncing all over the place the grounds disappear and i'm walking on thin air captain america left his [ __ ] crates laying around and i'm bouncing on the robot's hot nuclear glowing dicks robococks after the stage he gives the princess a backhanded middle finger and then the cutscenes start getting really weird what's weird about it exactly i'm not quite sure it could be just the fact that it's a cartoon hedgehog sharing a semi-romantic moment with a human princess or yeah that's it i said it but there's so many odd things in this one scene like when sonic picks his nose and then she's about to go down on him but the part that bothers me the most is something very subtle that only lasts for half a second watch [Music] did she just look at the camera it's so brief but once you see it it's locked in your memory why is she looking at the camera what does that expression mean also she's looking to her right notice the position of the right shoulder but on the next shot she's looking to her left am i nitpicking too much i'll move on you want to talk about shitty boss battles when you fight silver the hedgehog this is the motherest of [ __ ] he uses telekinesis to move objects around including sonic you can't get close to him unless you're charging him from the back but most of the time he's off screen so you never see where he is this is bulldookie you know what i've played worse this at least qualifies as a game but the problem was it needed to be a masterpiece because it was a sonic the hedgehog game and not just any sonic game but it was the sonic game for a new console and a new generation this would be like if zelda twilight princess sucked they even had the balls to call it sonic the hedgehog not sonic revival 3d or something no just plain sonic the hedgehog as if this is the only sonic game you need to know if you've never played one before just start with this one everyone calls it sonico6 but i call it sonic oh [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] this is anal sauce it's so bad it's a work of art it's a fine delicately crafted sculpture of [ __ ] and i'm impressed you know this is another one worthy the collection i don't mean this collection i mean the collection [Music] easy angry video game [ __ ] why do so many of these games suck ass i'm surrounded by them all the time shitty games staring me in the face with their shitty looks don't you [ __ ] look at me and you you i'm sick and tired of your [ __ ] [ __ ] you know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna get rid of them just the bad ones this one's good that stays this one no this one yeah this one yeah this one this one no this one no this one pretty much nothing ljn oh and this one's definitely going in this shitty game and this shitty game and this shitty thing and this shitty thing they can't just be thrown away they can't just be destroyed they need to go into space because i don't even want to live on the same planet where any charred remains and these filthy dung heaps reside oh [ __ ] [Music] all right i had a little maintenance to do i gotta wait for my ship's computer system to reboot meanwhile i'm all alone on a planet with only one game plan of the apes for playstation you know that saying if you were stranded and you had only one game to choose what would it be probably not this one the movie planet of the apes was one of the greatest science fiction films of all time but then here comes the game and you know what always happens when you take a great movie and turn it oh wait it's based on the remake well that's a new equation i totally forgot there was a remake of planet of the apes it was in 2001 it was a big deal for one weekend and now nobody gives one quarter of a [ __ ] but hang on now are these characters from the original like dr zira and dr zeus what mixed up timeline are we in here is that charlton heston or mark wahlberg or maybe brendan fraser and george of the jungle apparently this game took elements from each creating a total hodgepodge they didn't even know what to do with it as soon as the remake was greenlit so was the game and it was planned to come out around the same time as the movie of course but the movie had many setbacks so the game had to continue without it and invent much of its story on its own but then the movie got rushed and got farther along in the game so i guess you could say the movie was really ahead of the game here's the movie here's the game here's a head the movie was ahead of the game so the movie came out first on july 27 2001. the game came out on pc on september 20th while the playstation version debuted the following year august 22nd 2002 but it didn't debut it debuted that's when rancid feces are disengaged from the buttocks from the from the butt the buttocks the botox meanwhile there's a game boy color and a game boy advance version as well just some extra [ __ ] nuggets for you anyway as soon as these cut scenes end we can finally start playing the game first thing the controls take some time to get used to when you pick up an item by pushing x it doesn't go into your inventory right away you have to push triangle to put it in your pouch and circle puts it back on the floor here watch me pick up the key put it away take it back out put it away crouch moonwalk all i want to do is use the key on the door how could something so simple be so complicated whoa what's happening here the walls are moving man this is some freaky dicky [ __ ] seriously does that ever happen in doom can you name any other game where the walls are warping themselves in a constant state of dimensional shift this must be one of the hardest things to [ __ ] up in a game and again it's only the year 2002 guess they haven't invented steady walls yet what's going on with this game my foot is going through the food bowl there's a slice missing from the table my legs are disappearing there's an unexplained shape materializing and i'm hovering around like a crazy man it's amazing in the evolution of games how much d evolving has taken place nothing is more primitive than the combat system whenever you encounter an ape you just mash the button over and over until hopefully they drop dead it's all a matter of luck there's no strategy at least not from what i've determined you just keep punching and sometimes the punch locks up for some reason come on hit him hit him why are my fists so unreliable and the apes block about 90 percent of the punches come on come on oh finally i got one but i'm almost dead you have to be lucky to survive one fight you can get medical kits but they're not very common and they don't fill you up all the way you can take the apes club which makes it a little easier but it's not much better than your fists most of the time it misses or they block it and after every three swings there's a lag leaving you open to the apes attacks jeez why can't i hit him why can't i hit him you can also get a knife but it doesn't do much better than the club in fact i think it's worse than the fists it doesn't seem to do any more damage and it hardly hits its mark i mean look at this is he blocking my knife how do you block a knife so my advice i have three tips here don't get the knife don't get the knife don't get the knife then they start coming out doing karate kicks what is this king kung fu [Music] oh i almost got him also you want to know what happens when you die take a guess check any that apply extra lives continues checkpoints what do you think nothing the only thing you can do is save to a memory card but only after you've beaten a level and even then it'll start you at the beginning of the level no matter how far you've made it and if you lose on the first level it's back to the menu and the opening cut scene all over again you know what i miss i miss this so much such a simple thing you can take for granted the camera angles oh boy we've been here before you already know the deal and the deal keeps getting worse all the time the camera is too sensitive every time i make the slightest turn the camera reacts by zigzagging side to side to follow my every movement like a kid with a shopping cart following too close behind the parent and if a foreground object gets in the way you're pretty much screwed no no no get it away you might as well play blindfolded also there's parts where you have to interact with things like buttons on the wall to do that you have to put your weapon away first why couldn't that be automatic or couldn't he just use the club to push the damn button the navigation well it's one of those where the [ __ ] do you go kind of games to my knowledge there's no map and nothing to help guide you through here i got so stuck i had to look up a walk through and apparently you're supposed to jump into the ceiling jump you could jump in this game so i had to look that up too yeah there's wi-fi on this planet so you jump by pressing space bar yeah that's for pc what about playstation so the old-fashioned way never fails the instruction manual jump is r2 it says it right there okay so i try it and nothing happens r2 works for running but it does not jump so what's going on here i press every button combination i can think of and oh my you have to press r2 and x at the same time wow real helpful manual you have three buttons assigned to using taking and dropping items but you can't have one for jump l1 isn't even used oh my gosh the worst sign of bad controls is when you have trouble doing something that would actually be easier to do in real life all i'm trying to do is climb a ladder [Applause] all right made it oh come on okay so i have to turn this heat valve i found something here i'll just put it away oh [ __ ] i used it whatever seems i wasted it whatever it was what can i get through this game without being a hazard to myself so in this lab there's all kinds of different colored pills laying around you can take everything in sight like a drugged up rock star but what you need to do is read the letter you find on the desk subject one red bottle temporary cardiac arrest whose idea was it to block the text with the letter that would be like having a page of an instruction manual with a picture of the instruction manual plastered on top of it so anyway you're supposed to take the red pill then sound off an alarm to call an ape over and i looked it up and confirmed that this is exactly what you're supposed to do the ape will come into the room just in time to see you collapse he'll think you're dead he'll take you to the morgue and that's where you wake up and escape pretty elaborate but hey should be easy right well guess what the eighth won't come in i tried taking the pill before i hit the switch after i hit the switch i tried standing by the door i even went outside the door but there's no ape i'm just faking my own death for my own amusement just an [ __ ] in a room falling on the floor again and again somebody come in and watch me die somebody oh [ __ ] i'll take the pill oh the only planet this game came from is uranus oh this game is a mad house a mad house oh you damn dirty game designers you maniacs you [ __ ] it up damn you damn you all to hell oh that's it i'm going back to earth three [Music] oh [Music] [Music] [Music] ah oh my god [Music] [Music] he's gonna take you back to the past to play the shitty games and suck ass he'd rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ears [Music] angry [Music] here's a story of a little thing that went a long way it's the nintendo game boy while not the first portable game console it was the first to make such a big impact it was hugely successful there was some amazing exclusive games like link's awakening which alone made it worth it but lots of the games were just poor versions of nes titles and shameful watered down arcade games it didn't matter how compromised they were as long as they could fit on a game boy cartridge why not the only reason to own street fighter 2 on game boy would be to play it on a trip or something but what about when you're at home you better own the console version too because if all you had was this oh man none of these inferiorities hampered the game boy's success nor did the monochrome graphics a lot of people say the game boy is in black and white but really it's more like four ugly shades of green the screen has no light so if you try to play it in the dark you'll see nothing you'd think it made a big sensation only because of the novelty of it being portable and that it would soon fade away once the next thing would come along but no that didn't happen and the competition was fierce there was the sega game gear the atari lynx amongst others they all had color and lighted screens but that scrappy little game boy kicked all their asses it came out in 89 and wasn't discontinued until 2003. during its lifespan there was super nintendo nintendo 64 and even gamecube hit the scene before this gray brick with puke colored graphics finally died out also as famously shown in nintendo power a soldier in the gulf war had a game boy that survived a bomb blast even though it was burnt black it still powered on you can't stop the game boy they were released in different colors like black red and yellow they even made one transparent nintendo power made stickers which are still on my only work in game boy then there's a carrying case which looked like a giant game boy a whole lineage was started including the game boy color the game boy advance game boy advance sp which evolved into the ds and 3ds but it's impressive how long the original game boy stuck around and naturally during that time lots of add-ons were made for it mostly by third parties these range from practical to flat out ridiculous and that's what i want to focus on here the point is the game boy was a long-lived success and here's the accessories that probably had nothing to do with it the super game boy was perhaps the most useful though it's technically a super nintendo add-on an adapter to play game boy games on your tv colorized with lots of color presets and the option to mix your own color combinations there's border graphics and the ability to draw all over it a total time waster but how could you resist certain games were specifically made for the super game boy with their own color design and borders but onto the game boy the first thing that comes to mind is the link cable it's just a simple way to connect two game boys so two players could compete in tetris for example but then there's the four player adapter it sounds cool but you need four people four copies of the same game and the game had to be four player compatible that's a rare situation it would be easier to get the band witchfinder general back together than getting four people to play this thing then there's the game genie so you can enter cheat codes you'd think maybe just maybe with this being a portable console there would be a possibility that it would be the only console to not have game genie but nope what next is there a game genie for a tiger game so when you're playing in public everybody will notice this big contraption mounted on the top just a big flag to say hey everybody i'm cheating i do have to say it's really cool that it has a spot that holds the code book now you have no excuse to misplace it with all portable consoles there is always that issue that when you're going on a trip you always had to make sure to pack extra batteries you know there's a battery called god camel and die hard yippie double a [ __ ] but you didn't need any of that because the game boy had its own rechargeable battery pack sure you had to buy it separately but you had the option but then comes all the weird third-party stuff like the game boy solar charger now come on you can charge a game boy with sunlight so i tried it you're supposed to lay it out in the sun for up to eight hours for a full charge then you slip your game boy in it you plug the solar unit into the dc input on the side of the game boy and it works i have no idea how long it lasts but it works well this is an eco-friendly solution right here i'm impressed so when it comes to charging a game boy there's many options is there anything else i don't know about is there a game boy wind charger out there no matter how you charge the game boy the screen still looks like [ __ ] and you can't play it in the dark well here comes the newbie light so apparently it sticks to the top of the game boy so you just clip it on and how's that good it works you turn it on you dim the room lights or even play in total darkness and it does the job but it takes the same amount of batteries as the game boy so in total you'd need eight double a batteries damn then there's the light boy it's the same concept except this one has a magnifying glass to make the screen appear larger this one is hard to fit on you really gotta shove it on there this time it only uses two batteries but the light isn't working probably broken then there's the light magic there must be hundreds of these things it's the same exact thing as the light boy but it attaches to the game boy much easier other than that nothing's different the light works so here you can see it in action it's a nice way to boost the visual appeal but why not just make a new game boy model with a normal screen like everything else every version these magnification light things seem to try to top the other this one called the handy boy was released by std std who in their right mind would name their game company std it's got the light thing oh oh [ __ ] wow that just flew across the room okay wow oh wow that really sucks that really sucks i broke that it was fresh out of the box and it broke sure it was old but it seemed like it was hardly used so i had to rush order a second one on ebay this one i'm treating as delicately as possible this one's actually in worse condition but the amount of use it got probably made it less stiff this whole thing is ridiculous game gear never did anything oh never mind the good thing about this contraption is that it requires no extra batteries but there's a light on it so how does it power on well somehow it taps into the game boy's own battery power the back of the box shows it connecting to the dc port on the side of the game boy but that's a dc input right not an output is it both i tried it and as expected it does not work not only that but the moment i plug it in it shuts the game boy down so this can't be right who knows maybe somebody out there has tried it this way and it actually does work but mine doesn't however there is another way to power this thing yeah they gave you a second option as if they knew it sucked well i wish i didn't have to do this but yeah look at that you're supposed to stick it in the battery slot and lay the batteries over it so the contact points and the batteries sandwich it in place and guess what it works like [ __ ] the light comes on and off at random i have to constantly jiggle it around to get the light back on but it keeps going off again the screen magnification is alright but as you can see my glass really needs cleaning then there's the controller add-on what's the point of this in case you didn't like the controller that was already there it was fine enough why do you need this does it add anything to the game is it any better no it's [ __ ] horrible it's all stiff and awkward who'd want to play it like this the speakers are meant to amplify the sound in case you didn't think the game boy's speakers were loud enough because that's what you want if you're in public right like if you're on a bus you want everybody to hear what you're playing but the speakers on this thing are actually less loud than the game boy speakers maybe they're full of dust there's also the amplifier by newbie so the idea of making the game boy louder became its own line of experiments but then came the ultimate project if you want to get serious about your game boy then let me introduce the booster this big ass [ __ ] is like the mecca combiner robot of the game boy family it would be cool to see it fight a game gear but that would take me extra weeks it takes c batteries but the game boy gets to tap into the booster's power by plugging the booster into its dc input the way it should so at least they got the power situation worked out it magnifies and lights the screen just like the others it has a cover for the front with new controllers but again the game boys controls were perfectly fine so why would you need this just get rid of it as for the speaker volume [Music] when would you ever want it that loud you only play it like a foot away from your face there's a cartridge compartment on the back just for convenience it can hold four games three games [Music] two it holds only two games overall if you didn't like how lightweight and convenient the game boy was and the portability is not something you find appealing and you wanted something more bulky and awkward then this is for you then there's the game boy camera that's right a camera for the game boy and there's no complicated installation you just pop it in like any game cartridge and snap a picture yourself there's no way this would work let me try this [Applause] it works wow this is selfies before selfies you can save your pictures to albums you can mess around with them you can even play built-in games like this space invaders clone yeah it's the most basic game you could possibly play but hey why not for some reason it has a suicide button that blows yourself up then there's all kinds of weird random games what the hell is that the more you play around with this the more strange things happen but basically it's a camera that's a game boy cartridge oh i wonder if it works on super game boy it does holy [ __ ] but the camera can't work can it oh my it actually works but if you want to take a picture of yourself you have to turn the super nintendo around the bottom line it could be done but hey look here i can decorate my face now this is too much fun also there is the game boy printer so if you want to print the pictures yeah that can happen wow lots of these game boy accessories are rare some of the ones that i couldn't get my hands on are the game boy fm radio the work boy where you can plug in a keyboard and turn the game boy into a personal computer just in case you didn't like using a monitor then there is the hudson soft kiss link which allowed you to connect the game boy to the internet and download exclusive gaming content from hudson's website there was the barcode boy which was a barcode scanner with games included where you unlocked certain features by scanning barcodes found on cards and merchandise there is the game boy pocket sonar so if you bring a game boy on a fishing trip you can detect fish up to 65 feet underwater the game boy color had a mobile phone adapter and a sewing machine i repeat a sewing machine that came with a game cart where you choose a sewing pattern and then the machine sews the pattern there were also game boy shoes big platform shoes with spaces to fit your game boy color yeah you look so [ __ ] awesome but then to top it off the grand finale i'm not even emotionally ready to tell you about this so just sit back here it is the petty sedate this thing was intended for hospitals to help children relax when they're about to be put under for surgery or medical procedure essentially it's a pair of headphones that you plug into the game boy you could probably plug it into any portable gaming console but more importantly it has a cup that goes over the child's mouth and releases the sleep gas or laughing gas or whatever it is they need so it's the only gaming peripheral i know of that gasses you imagine being sedated while playing [ __ ] dr mario what would that be like oh my god i was gonna make up a bunch of fake [ __ ] at the end like the game boy dog turd collector but nothing i can make up can top this and this thing was real i mean it didn't get released but it was invented and patented the game boy must have been the most multi-purpose thing in existence astronauts actually took it into space it could withstand bomb blasts you could take photos print sew find fish get sedated i want to be sedated with the game boy i want to be sedated with the game boy bam bam i wanna be sedated with a game boy shitty games shitty games shitty games why do i waste all my time and money on these but the sick thing is i'm such a masochist i need more shitty games but even the shitty ones are expensive i don't think i have any extra cash how am i gonna afford oh the contest treasure master this game has a contest yeah grand prizes or fantasy rock concerts sports spectacular or whatever the hell that's about fantasy game room basically have that ten thousand dollars in cash yeah that's it all i gotta do is beat the game beat the special prize world at the end call in the number get the cash and then all the shitty games are mine [Music] [Music] ah i've already commented on this 80s spew canvas before with its cover art that combines everything gnarly and awesome and tubular and mondo it's so rad i mean look at this kid you'll never know how [ __ ] cool you're gonna be till you play this game you're never gonna get to wear this zebra print shirt unless you play this zebra print [ __ ] all right let's do it i got a contest to win wow one of the first things you even see is a disclaimer saying nintendo had nothing to do with this contest even nintendo of america was like oh no [ __ ] that we're not taking any responsibility for this [ __ ] stew that's not a good sign that music it's not bad actually who wrote this track oh that's right it's actually the same guy who did the silver surf for nes music so is this game going to be ass too okay before i cannonball into the deep end of the turd pool i'm gonna have to put in the secret code that unlocks the special prize world at the end of the game and you get that code because they announced it on mtv in other words thanks google i looked it up online but man this password's long as hell you already know how i feel about long ass passwords but imagine how i feel when i have to enter this mile-long string of [ __ ] just to fully play the damn game already this kid scooter is bothering me i mean who the hell walks like that is he jazzer sizing why does he punch the air with every step kind of walks like michael jackson and moonwalker but a lot more aggressive like he's really mad at that [ __ ] air but come on he's not michael jackson he's a rad dude with orange shorts and a green cap even scooter is embarrassed by himself when he ducks down look at him it's like he has a secret what's the secret this game sucks now video game logic would dictate that scooter would die if he fell into this pit so i should jump over it right wrong you can actually plop your goofy gnarly ass right down into the waters below and already you're battling killer sharks what the hell i just started the game it's like oh no you won't die from falling in the pit but guess what time to get eaten by goddamn sharks in the first stage at least they give me an oxygen meter but too bad i'm not gonna have time to run out of oxygen because the sharks will have already eaten my ass out through my lungs by then let's just stay above ground for now what there's a sky section of the stage too how am i supposed to see that coming this is so awkward even when i'm making seemingly normal jumps i get stuck loading the upper screen okay here we go the first enemy i might be able to deal with a stupid caterpillar bring it on you multi-legged freak what i have no attacks the buttons they do nothing all i can do is jump around like i just popped off a skateboard now that's 80s where's my rad skateboard power-up you might think maybe there's a machine gun or a shield or a boomerang you can get but no all you get are these sneakers which let you kick with the b button now great and it's the shittiest kick i have ever seen in a video game damn okay so the kick is badass so the sneakers are actually radium plated boots which even if it is a weapon it's a really smart idea to be wearing radioactive [ __ ] shoes seriously is scooter that [ __ ] rad that he doesn't care about radiation poisoning maybe it's actually a blessing in disguise i hope these boots provide me with a swift radiation death then i don't have to play anymore when you get into it treasure master is nothing more than a giant collect-a-thon get the radium boots then the time-activated bomb blow up the ground get the magnet control box lift the submarine out of the water then another bomb blow up the wall underwater then snag a bow and arrow but oh look we got a new weapon right oh it just fires a climbing rope well at least i'm at the end of the stage where i get electrocuted it's just a bonus stage entrance and i have to get another bomb so much backtracking why can't i just pick up multiple bombs then i use the bomb to break the blocks to get the scissors cut the hanging weight get the emergency oxygen so you can swim farther at least they were nice enough to give me super obvious directional arrows i don't want to get lost on these one-way paths grab the hard hat to protect scooters dumb [ __ ] brains from deadly ceiling spikes and watch as a red devil ball launches you from a tiny seesaw into the sky to eventually reach a spaceship and finish world one the hell with this i'm not gonna subject myself to another five worlds of this garbage i have the power the power of the game genie all right yeah that prize is gonna be mine now infinite lives infinite energy infinite oxygen infinite invincibility even if that's redundant alright scooter game on no no no damn you treasure master your contest is foolproof making me play the game without [ __ ] cheating piece of [ __ ] back on track scooter makes it to the moon and holy [ __ ] the moon has gone [ __ ] crazy ufos and aliens and rocket robots they all want you dead but now we can get a ray gun with some juice yeah die die yeah get him get him [ __ ] those robots [ __ ] him take that you space shits and what's this a [ __ ] moon buggy of death oh my god yeah [ __ ] those robots wow did i just enjoy myself no no no no no no don't get honey [ __ ] by the moon world this isn't duck tales it's gotta uh the contest is the only reason anybody should be playing this hippopotamus diarrhea in the machine world you'll be getting murdered by wig nuts collecting machine parts and busting flying enemies to the ground then you grab a key and exit easy once you warp into the forest world things get pretty psychedelic man with giant shrooms and flowers and freaky hatching red lizard things whoa they're doors you can enter as you explore the forest but don't forget to also enter the mushrooms who would figure that out it's the most abstract know that you can gameplay it to make bridges and how would you figure that out either the game says nothing about it then you use an apple on a barrel to make it fall into the water why would you need an apple to knock over a barrel then you knock a spring into lava destroying it for no reason gotcha again nerd the spring is now outside the door you entered earlier nothing makes sense i've got to get out of this forest i'm losing it in world 5 scooter makes his way inside his very own nintendo entertainment system whoa well scooter needs to clean the damn thing out there's spiders and [ __ ] everywhere and what why are there televisions inside his nes the one thing that's kind of cool is that you can use mutation coins to transform into a robot but of course the robot sucks if you make it out of the nes you can enter the final world the prize world here it is the whole reason we put in that password if you still remember clowns why did it have to be clowns and kamikaze clowns no less they do not want you to win that prize luckily one of the death clowns leaves behind a coin you can use to play the carnival game sp spot and delax but what the hell is that just call it a game coin so use the spondo shits to play the game and collect these glowing fuzzy turd nuggets to activate the rides now you can get on the roller coaster and get out of this clown infested world gun down some more clowns pick up another spondo cox to play the turd nugget game again to open the exit gate i did it it's over the quest is complete ten thousand dollars ten thousand spondo shits i'm the treasure master [ __ ] you scooter all right it's gonna call a number here you go one nine hundred three seven zero you win yeah i win yeah i did it i did the service you are attempting to use has been restricted or isn't it please contact customer care for assistance oh no no no no no [Music] law he's the angriest gamer you've ever heard he's the angry nintendo nerd he's the angry atari savior he's the angry [Music] man in the 80s and 90s there was nothing bigger than pro wrestling it was as close as you can get to watching real life superheroes fight it out for entertainment i know it's fake or choreographed or whatever but how do you fake landing on somebody with 300 pounds of man ass they were just flying through the air and just smashing each other with steel chairs and all that [ __ ] it was like watching an action movie happen live on tv and of course anything that's popular gets made into video games and you're probably wondering are these games complete [ __ ] yeah a lot of them are but it's the kind of [ __ ] you couldn't even imagine like i'm talking day after binging on buffalo wings and beer [ __ ] the kind of [ __ ] that never wipes never wipes never first up tag team wrestling on nes this game came out the same year as pro wrestling which is a decent game so it gets spared anyway tag team wrestling starts right up with no character selection or anything you play as some long-haired guy with the stubbiest punch possible the a button punches but the b button does absolutely dick as far as i can tell you run around mashing the a button hoping your deformed stump hits the other guy and then you both run into the ropes and hope for the best i seriously have no idea what the hell i'm doing in this whenever the bad guys put me to hold or try to slam me a guy who i'm guessing is my tag partner comes out of the corner and does absolutely nothing i don't know if he's automatic or what but no matter how much i beat on these guys they always seem to kick my ass and pin me winner is strong bads at first it sounds like a hilarious typo but actually strong badge is the name of one of the teams in the game but what i think it really means is that this game is strongly bad next up we got the real deal wwf wrestlemania the first licensed wwf game for the nes turn it on and you get a nice view of the acclaim logo and someone's drunk sunburned grandpa tearing off his shirt while screaming i know it's hulk hogan but come on is this the best that can make the hulkster look he looks ridiculous bigger better better well which is it i'll give you one [ __ ] guess from the start there's two modes standard and tournament standard is single one-on-one matches while tournament mode is like your basic arcade ladder mode choose a wrestler choose an opponent and then run around the ring like an [ __ ] for a few minutes swinging at nothing when health gets low the game starts throwing power ups but you're only able to collect the power up specific to your wrestler million dollar man has dollar signs andre the giant has what looks like big-ass hams and hulk hogan gets crosses who the [ __ ] does he think he is simon belmont i guess it's because hulk always said to say your prayers and eat your vitamins but still kind of weird maybe nintendo and wwf thought it'd be kind of weird if kids saw wrestlers taking pills in the game they thought maybe steroids or something i don't know but the thing that pisses me off is that i can't figure out how to pin anybody i hit every goddamn button possible and there's only two of them million dollar man's just lying there with his gut in the air and all hulk does is dance around like a jackass eventually i pinned the guy but [ __ ] if i know how i guess i just happened to hit the magic combination of buttons ugh i'm sorry i can't play this one anymore i know it's supposed to be a classic but back then we didn't know any better we didn't have any other options oh but that's not the end of it because there's a lot more wwf wrestling games on the nes and oh my god i wonder who published them [Music] [Music] wrestlemania was bad but i gotta say ljn really turns up the diarrhea dial on the wwf suckery wrestlemania challenge plays at an isometric view which does not translate well to the nes controller if you were running around like an idiot in the original wrestlemania get ready trying to hit a guy here is like trying to hit a grain of sand with a tennis racket while andre the giant farts directly into your nostrils steel cage challenge well it has a steel cage mode if you like glimpsing the wrestlers through the cage get the cage out of the way i can't see anything and in king of the ring you can literally hit one button over and over and beat the guy just kick him to the ground and repeatedly stop his dick then pin him for the slowest three count in history [Applause] how long am i going to be cursed to walk this earth and play ljn games when are they going to run out you know how i feel about these wastes of plastic and circuitry but guess what they made wwf games for the super nintendo 2. super wrestlemania ljn royal rumble ljn raw ljn it doesn't matter if it's 8-bit or 16-bit i still have no idea what i'm doing i hit every button and mash them as fast as i can but the computer always ends up beating me the sound is [ __ ] the graphics are boring as [ __ ] the only real difference between these [ __ ] fests is the roster these games were all about the grappling so you hold on to them and tap the buttons like crazy until you throw them into some special move that's what these were all about they're exactly what you'd expect from ljn and vince mcmahon should be ashamed of himself for whoring out his product to such inept game designers oh these games are an insult to wrestlers they're an insult to wrestling fans and they're an insult to gamers in general however thankfully there is a wwf game on the super nintendo that's not made by ljan wrestlemania the arcade game by midway acclaim this game definitely has a different feel than the others as a matter of fact it's kind of fun it goes with the digitized graphics that midway games were famous for back then sure it's got its problems but the control is pretty fluid and doesn't take itself too seriously it plays pretty close to mortal kombat with strong and weak punch and all that there's even crazy special attacks like the undertaker shooting out ghosts and slamming you with gravestones this feels like a game it's still fairly difficult especially when you play for the world wrestling federation championship in that mode you fight two guys at a time and it's cheap the computer just gangs up and beats the [ __ ] out of you until you're dead this mode sucks but not worse than other games i played if you want something more like a regular game stick to the intercontinental championship that's fun to say three times fast the game is over the top and feels like a cross between mortal kombat and nba jam also it has vince mcmahon himself doing the commentary there is one problem with the game that it has a weak roster with only six different characters and none that i really care for that much except for the undertaker i mean there's bret hart too but come on who wants to play as lex luger or doink surprisingly the genesis version has more characters adding bam bam bigelow and yokozuna but the graphics and sounds aren't as good as the super nintendo version but if you have to pick up a wwf game i'd recommend this one on either system it even came out on 32x if you're into that heap of [ __ ] wow it's nice to play something decent for once but now i'm gonna [ __ ] that up kind of like putting on a new pair of underwear and then taking a [ __ ] in it right away this is super brawl it's wcw so it's a little change of pace maybe a little different also it's not ljn so maybe it won't be that bad ladies and gentlemen well the sound is pretty good clear voice sample nice colorful logo we're off to an all right start what the [ __ ] okay i get it he's wearing shorts that are the same color as his skin for some reason like he's wearing yellow shorts but they made all his skin yellow which makes no sense but it looks like he's [ __ ] naked it's totally like he's naked look he looks like a naked [ __ ] mannequin man with invisible knees wow and how about the most annoying character select screen possible who deserves the belt i don't know who the [ __ ] most these guys are and they have no names who are these people they just shout random slogans at me and move at about two frames per second whatever i'll pick ric flair and of course it controls like ass the punches take almost a full second delay and seriously why does everyone walk around like their [ __ ] caked up their ass ah [ __ ] this piece of [ __ ] i'm done let me tell you something brother this game is the worst there is the worst there was and the worst there ever will be it's a limousine [ __ ] jet plane sucking diarrhea drinking [ __ ] stinking hell on earth in a cartridge and i'm gonna open up a whole can of whoop ass on it and that's the bottom line because the [ __ ] nerd said so [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] okay all right well this one's on the right track the controls are simple y attacks b jumps and a pins it's got balls to the wall bone crunching high flying action all the stuff you'd want in a wrestling game and it's made by the king of fighting games capcom not to mention it features mayor mike hagar from final fight as a playable character i need a lot of practice with this game but it looks and sounds great with that distinct capcom feel seriously why couldn't they give all the wwf games the capcom instead of giving six of them to one of the worst video game companies in existence oh and did i mention the toy line ljn made the toys too and those [ __ ] sucked also ah were they thinking man if ljn stood for laughing joking numbnuts then wwf must have stood for wisecracking weiner [ __ ] farts [Applause] [Music] [Applause] they say there was once a game a game unlike any other that infiltrated arcades in 81 when gaming fever was hot it captivated the youth who lined up in a magnetic trance to play it at a price more than any coins were worth they would succumb to an addiction more powerful than any drug and be struck down by an illness more dreadful than any virus memory loss nightmares seizures possibly suicide were all attributed to its ambiguous wake of terror and then it vanished like a specter in the night its name was polybius well damn i gotta play it then this review is gonna be a little different than usual because i can't show any footage of the game if it doesn't exist they say it only existed in the portland oregon area and that it was only there for a week or a month and that there were only a few of them or just one or as i've been inclined to believe none it breaks the rarity scale it's so rare it probably never existed but nobody really knows for sure or those who know can't prove it much of the myth could be explained with facts there was a game called polyplay in 85 which may be what people are actually remembering it was eight games in one which seems to attribute to the conflicting descriptions of polybius or polybius or however it's pronounced the most common description was that it was some kind of space shooter also there's actual reports of gamers getting sick around that time probably from playing too much video games supposedly somebody got a migraine headache from playing an early release of tempest but even more severe and very sad to say someone died of a pre-existing heart condition shortly after entering his initials for the high score in berserk the most specific account i know of which could have been the origin of the polybius legend is when a 12 year old boy was playing asteroids in a long marathon to get the high score and got a stomach sickness this was in november 81 in portland the time and place of polybius a big part of the legend is that the polybius machines were visited by mysterious men in black suits fbi cia mib your usual alphabet soup of government conspiracy some say polybius was part of a top secret experiment using humans as the guinea pigs even connecting it to an actual mind control program called mk ultra another possible source of the legend could be actual reports of fbi agents raiding arcades around that time where the owners were suspected of gambling there was also a game called battlezone which had a special version designed for the military to use as a combat simulator for training purposes there is also a movie the last starfighter where a teenager gets the high score in a game but the game turns out to be a tool for recruiting fighters in an intergalactic war the movie was in 84 a few years after the polybius legend is said to have occurred so the movie could have been inspired by it or the other way around no early references of polybius can be traced the myth started getting traction later sometime between 98 to 2000 the coin op website which is a resource for arcade listings added an entry for polybius but with hardly any information this is the earliest confirmed mention of the game anywhere in 2003 it was featured in game pro magazine and in 2006 someone by the name steven roach posted a lengthy statement saying that he was one of the game designers shedding light on the story but i think it's a hoax on the internet anybody can say anything without any basis in fact the internet is made up of 90 percent prime cut free range grade b [ __ ] in fact when a bull takes a [ __ ] it decomposes into digital matter which evaporates into cyber airwaves and becomes internet now you know whatever the case the polybius legend caught on like wildfire many people have made playable pc games even fake arcade cabinets a homebrew atari 2600 game even a ps4 game there's been fan films documentaries a thousand youtube videos it appeared on the simpsons everybody's done it to death the only thing that hasn't been done is for somebody to play the actual game and document it publicly even if the game once existed it may be gone forever and that's probably for the best i hope nobody would ever come face to face with the game so destructive but then again i also hope nobody would ever play dr jekyll and mr hyde but that happened so in that same tradition i'm gonna subject myself to the torment because i found a possible lead to polybius if it's real consider this a test to see what psychological effects it may have on me so i'm at an arcade reseller right now and uh my instinct tells me not to reveal the location just yet until i can determine if this is the current resting place of polybius now the owners recently acquired a large batch of games from another arcade shop that was liquidating their supplies and they were kind to let me see the invoice and on it is polybius it's probably a joke but they did nothing to draw attention to it uh they didn't post anything about it online i was actually waiting for them to bring it up but they didn't uh so the only way to know is to see if it's here uh they granted me permission and full access to the place which is great and uh like look right here like this is the simpsons arcade so there's so many great things here i should be checking out all these games but gotta stay focused well um this is oblivious it is probably a fake you know like i said before a lot of people have made fake cabinets uh there's no artwork on the side or anything which you know fits the description pretty much but the real test would be uh see if i could turn this thing on okay let's cross our fingers here borrow a power supply from uh this machine here here we go see what happens marquis up we have the marquee and somebody put a lot of effort into this if it's a fake if it's a fake what if it's real let's say it is slim chance but you never know what if it has dangerous effects and if those effects can be inflicted over a video recording it doesn't have to be supernatural it could legitimately cause epilepsy or something i wouldn't want to endanger anybody i want to do the right thing so i'm not going to show the game at least not until i fully test it on myself so for now i'll just describe the game the best i can well it's a game uh is it a good game not really it's an average early 80s arcade game if it is early 80s it's probably fake um no way of knowing for sure i describe it as tempest that's probably the best um way to describe it you're flying through a three-dimensional tunnel with a green and black vector type graphics there's um cubes coming at you and you're a triangle and you move around and try to catch these cubes and that's really um about all there is to it i think it's a shame i'm surrounded by so many awesome games but i'm stuck here playing this it's not that special um i should probably just show you the game but i want to wait a bit i just want to play it safe um i'll post the video for the night i'll sleep on it and um let me know what you think so i posted my first days test of playing polybius and i've gotten lots of responses lots of people are saying it's fake which i agree with so far i haven't felt any weird side effects from playing it or anything i just thought it was an average arcade game and even if it was a real arcade game that was made in the 80s and called polybius that would only confirm that the game is real but all the stories about addiction memory loss nightmares seizures that could all be explained without the supernatural like all the stuff i talked about before like the gamer who got sick while playing asteroids probably had more to do with him playing the game for so long and drinking lots of soda with any game you got to take a break speaking of which i think i've taken a long enough break from polybius so i'm about to go back and play it some more but uh first i just want to read this really interesting email i got here which i'm sure is a hoax but either way it's pretty interesting so i'll just read it here uh big fan of your work but i'll get straight to the point saw your polybius day one video it's real judging from cabinet and your description don't expect you to take my word but it matches everything my father told me before he died he worked for a secret government agency in charge of investigating unexplained phenomena they found polybius in arcade they removed it to keep public safe kept it contained in a secret facility my father was in charge of looking after it and became infatuated with playing it took over his mind he was forced to leave the agency then he smuggled the game out he hid it somewhere he was sentenced to prison for federal theft there died a raving lunatic i never knew where he hid the game but i've always believed he hid it in plain sight in another arcade but it possibly sat in a back room it was dull cabinet no artwork the owners possibly kept it in the back to leave more space for more appealing games on main floor now it ends up at the place you're at you must not continue i know this sounds silly but please do not play further you must destroy the game destroy it i only do that to bad games uh this game was actually pretty average or i don't know it's it's worth playing okay giving polybius another chance now you know i'm starting to think it's above average a little bit it's simple but it's intuitive i'm tempted to show it because it's really nothing crazy but i just want to be safe this is one of those games that repeats itself in many of those old arcade games you just play the same thing over and over again to get a high score this is a lot like that not much left to say so just one more game and then i'll go home let it set on free play so i don't need any coins so i've played through twice more now um thrice actually and i'm beginning to see more merits in the gameplay in fact if you were to put this into perspective if this actually came out in the 80s i may rank it as one of the best classic arcade games right i'm getting ready to go home for the night i think i have enough material here let me just see oh how long have i been here jeez well i've definitely gotten enough footage of me that is i know i haven't shown anything of the game but even if i did i don't think it would do it justice because the thing is when you play it it doesn't demand any kind of urgent level of thinking sort of like watching a waterfall flow is constant predictable natural okay i really gotta get going i just switched the card here this is number whatever um so i'm all set up i'm ready for tomorrow but i don't think there's much left to do although i remembered one tiny piece of trivia uh polybius or polybius whichever it is uh was the name of a greek historian he covered the rise of the romans and invented the polybius square which is a form of code that translates letters into numbers by their placement on a grid uh well it's it's very complicated to explain oh sorry um i was going to say something but i forgot oh yeah yeah there's a little piece of trivia i remembered uh polybius was the name of a greek historian he covered the rise of the romans and invented the polybius square did i say that already okay i'm done just one more game this is day three i was going to come up with something more to uh say here but i i really just it would help i just had the game in front of me right now so i could uh play it um i know i've played it a lot so far but i just need a little more i just there's not much to it but i really just i don't know i just i just need to play it again i might have to commend the game designers this may be the greatest [ __ ] game ever made who made it you may ask well according to the game end to popular legend it was a company called cineslotion which i've heard is a bad translation from english to german to create a fake german compound word meaning sense delete or sensory deprivation seems way too convenient i don't feel like my senses are deprived at all i feel like my senses are heightened more than ever i could see every pixel every speck of light i could smell the paint on the pac-man machine in the next room i could hear the crickets the rats clawing on the sewer walls to hear the colors i can hear the colors oh i can't stop playing i can't stop okay i need to show this right here the camera was pointing right at the screen and there's the tripod haven't moved it it's right there how did the tripod get there and why why was it looking at the screen all right so i'm about to upload tonight's footage but i took a look at some of it first and i have about an hour of footage of the game and keep in mind i have no intention of showing the game yet so i have no recollection of doing that but the crazy thing right before that this happens i swear i have no recollection of doing that or this all right so i deliberately locked myself in using my own word combination lock for my camera case and i've tried every word that i would normally use and nothing works so i did this [ __ ] on purpose i changed the [ __ ] combination lock film myself doing it like what the [ __ ] there is a big loading door on the other side of all this somewhere so i can't get to that i have some options here i could do some damage to the door or i could just wait for somebody to come but i think i'm going to throw in the towel here and say come get me the location is oh my god this [ __ ] game not yet i'll let you know when [Music] it's day three or whatever it is um i have a high score and i remember when i got the high score at 35 31 1 1 5 1 i just want to get that again and once i do that i'll call quits no i won't i'll just keep [ __ ] [ __ ] because i can't i can't stop playing this [ __ ] game just look at it no don't look at it every day i have to keep editing out footage of the game because because it wants to be seen it [ __ ] wants to be seen [Music] my mind has been open to things that i never wanted to know things that i see that no nobody all the connections with greek good olivia's no more like the ferryman on the river sticks you give him a coin he takes you across the river into the underworld somebody come get me the location is come on come on come on let me go let me go [Music] come get me location it won't let me let myself get look at the game look we know don't look at it look at don't look at it we're gonna do it die you can keep me from getting out i could keep you from showing yourself you [ __ ] game dude don't look at it don't look at it [Music] that high score that's not a high score that's it's a message [Music] yeah yeah yeah the politics square um uh the 35 is p and then uh three one is is l uh well one line is a and then and then uh it's play it's play the the the combination's play that's it that's it [Music] it worked it worked it was oh [Music] ah you [ __ ] game the only way to let me go is if i show the game i have to i have no choice i can't stand this anymore just i'm so sorry i'm so sorry just don't look don't look turn the video off right now once you see it it's in you forever uh [Music] oh [Music] going on hello oh the cameras here [Music] well there's the game [Music] politics [Music] it is probably a fake 35-31-115 don't want to turn the video off right now [Music] do [Music] dead or alive these games [ __ ] suck and of course because they're based on a great movie you know robocop robocop the story of detroit police officer alex murphy who's brutally executed and revived as a superhuman cyborg the original robocop is an ultra violent sci-fi action film and was [ __ ] awesome it spawned two film sequels and even a shitty television series so of course there had to be video games especially on the nes but with nintendo it always seemed like they were censoring stuff to make it more family-friendly so how did an r-rated franchise get made into an nes game come to think of it it's amazing that so many r-rated movies got turned into nes games rambo die-hard platoon dirty harry yeah maybe we'll get to that one another time so here we go level one nash street robocop's just walking down the street punching everyone he sees and they'll just run straight at him if i saw a giant robot punching everyone in detroit i'd get as far away as possible oh and that music i hope you like the first 10 seconds of the robocop movie theme because it's all you hear for the entire game it's kind of like a weird techno remix so a few seconds into the game you hit your first major obstacle what is it motorcycle men no rabid dogs no purple jump kicking guys no flying machine guys no it's the stairs these stairs are one of the most frustrating things in the game it might as well be an enemy get on those [ __ ] stairs you have to be in the perfect spot or he just walks past them use them fine in the movie it was ed 209 that had the problem with the stairs also robocop doesn't jump well at least that means there's no shitty platforming so after punching and shooting most of detroit you hit the first boss a giant red mutant man wearing boots and no pants you just punch him over and over yeah punch him punch him punch him great police work there officer murphy after you beat the level robocop flaps his gums at you blah blah blah blah why is robocop look like such an idiot in level two you have to save the mayor at city hall the red mutant man is in this level too but now he's blue and he's just a normal enemy not a boss i guess he got a demotion after you kicked his ass fight your way upstairs to save the mayor just shoot the guy when the mayor ducks most of the time you'll end up shooting the mayor and not the bad guy it requires perfect timing after a few hits the boss lets go the mayor shoot him a few more times and he freaks out and flaps around dead now into clarence botticker's drug warehouse when you finally reach him he just runs away and sends a bunch of enemies to kill you which are way smaller than everything else in the game now onto the ocp building besides the usual suicidal henchmen you find red spider robots ceiling lasers giant farting gas guns and good old ed209 and it's like the size of a t-rex it's huge the junkyard level is a cluster [ __ ] of bad guys there's dudes everywhere trying to [ __ ] you up at the end is the final showdown with clarence this is so far the most annoying boss in the game you have to dodge steel beams and clarence's cobra gun but once you beat him you arrest him i thought robocop stabbed him in the throat i guess they couldn't put that in an nes game meant for kids finally on the level six you're back at ocp which has a giant conveyor belt from the jetsons in the beginning you gotta punch your way through barrels and watch out for the flying machine guys all while the ground moves you backwards oh you gotta hurry because there's no power-ups in this level you gotta rush through the beginning fight a bunch of robots fight another giant fart gun and get to ed 209 as quickly as you can or you'll run out of time this part is a frustrating mess but once it's over dick jones gets fired and you shoot the [ __ ] out of him the credits music is just weird it sounds like carnival music is robocop gonna celebrate at the [ __ ] carnival tonight well anyway the game sucks and i have to do my duty to protect the innocent from shitty games okay robocop 2. wait a minute what's robocop so mad about oh my god she's shooting all over the place how many bullets does that gun have man let me tell you if you thought robocop 1 was frustrating get ready robocop 2 is an endurance test from the very start you'll be struggling against the game's slippery ass controls it's like someone coded off detroit and oil i guess they took motor city a bit too literal in each level you have to arrest certain bad guys save hostages and collect brains on top of that you have to destroy 60 percent of the nuke in the movie nuke is the name of an addictive drug nuke is so bad it's like shooting dart frog poison into your dick only to have a venomous snake suck it out and then shoot it back into your eyeballs this game barely follows the movie it's an acid trip it's a mishmash of colors and ridiculous platform jumping most the enemies and hazards kill robocop in only one hit thankfully there's infinite continues because otherwise you'll never beat it robocop should be blasting drug dealers and robot machines slamming into him with this black ford taurus not making these delicately planned jumps like mario one of those [ __ ] look at this [ __ ] everything in the level kills you there's platforms that move at the speed of light and you gotta make sure to get enough hostages and nuke or else you have to repeat it on level 8 you fight kane and he looks just like the movie wearing a top hat and shooting electric eels out of bazooka after enough shots you get to punch him to death but make sure not to get hit your health drains here automatically so if you're already damaged you'll die after you've finally beat kane it's more platforming i swear every level is nothing but trial and error every time you make it an inch farther something kills you in this level a weird rocket hits you drags you through the entire level and you die why not just kill me you have to make me fly through the whole level too god damn this game just [ __ ] hates me somehow after hours of misery i make it to the final boss robocop 2. you're always facing forward and you just have to shoot the [ __ ] at him but guess what you gotta kill him three times three [ __ ] times the first time you just have to shoot him he has a set pattern though once you learn it it's lights out he topples over and crashes through the floor below and robocop follows it down oh yeah i definitely prefer to read that instead of see it so here we go round two this time you can only shoot him in the legs if you accidentally shoot his body your bullets bounce back and hurt you again learn the pattern and give them what's what okay here we go final round this is it oh come on uh come on [ __ ] you robocop2 come on come on ah yeah look at that beautiful end screen oh i gotta say it feels good to be done with this one well that's robocop 2. kind of follows the movie but that's it for me i'm done playing these games i i'm done no no more [Music] must play shitty games i must continue somewhere there is a crime happening and that crime is robocop 3 the worst movie the bunch and probably the worst game of the bunch too well actually this music is pretty awesome yeah listen to that yeah but the start screen is pretty goofy when the hell did the girl have a machine gun in the movie i thought she just used computers oh whatever it doesn't matter let's just get into it so the game is pretty much the same as the others walk through streets shoot punks and fight bosses visually robocop 3 looks better than any of the others but the gameplay not too exciting robocop moves as slow as [ __ ] coming out of a goose's [ __ ] and his bullets move even slower oh and don't you love how the enemy bullets fly across the screen while robocops just crawl in between levels you have to repair damage to robocop yeah just listen to that music [Music] this game has some pretty rocking tunes if only they spent that much effort on the actual gameplay or the platforming in this game as [ __ ] every jump robocop makes is just barely reaching most the time it fall on the acid which kills you way too fast look at that i'm barely on the platform robocop must be on his tippy toes the first boss is one of the ninjas from the movie but he looks more like from ninja gaiden he jumps around like an [ __ ] until you kill him level 3 and 4 are the same exact level the only difference is that level 4 is backwards in level 3 you get the infamous jetpack from the movie which sucks balls imagine that level 4 i guess you're out of gas so robocop has to hoof it on foot then you fight ed 209 real easy and can't hit you if you're on the platform fortunately you're on the last level all you gotta do is avoid scorpion and sub-zero and just go to this console once all the numbers show up the two ninjas slice each other's heads off oh whatever i don't care i'm done you know it wasn't that bad i'd buy that for a dollar no more though anyway now that i've played all those my nerd directives have been cleared [Music] [Music] [Music] oh [ __ ] previously on the angry video game nerd it's a boy i'll call you back i gave you the money now give me back my son you [ __ ] resistance is futile and now the conclusion sonico 6 was the game everybody and their grandma wanted me to review so i did but there's more to it i only half-assed it so why not go whole-ass which is the opposite of [ __ ] the torture continues but the torture is all mine so first off i figured out how to beat silver and kick the [ __ ] out of him once you learn his pattern he's pretty easy just wait for him to try to launch the furniture at you and homing [ __ ] him in the face until he's dead finally we get to the cut scene silver shithog throws sonic back as he makes a stupid face and hits a wall oh and of course the princess gets kidnapped again only seconds after saving her if she's just gonna get captured again i might as well let eggman keep her so i wouldn't have to deal with all this [ __ ] now sonic has to go fight eggman at his base the white acropolis so now i run around aimlessly once again until i finally hit that magic area that lets me progress in the story there's no clear designation of where to go i swear the game just wants you to run around aimlessly until it decides you can progress i hate this goddamn town the droning music and robotic people freak the [ __ ] out of me i mean look at this why are there no guard rails if sonic falls he dies what happens if a normal person falls in there that's unsafe god damn it and right here if sonic stands on the curb a certain way he splits reality into two alternate dimensions existing in the same space and time the visuals in this game give me a headache every time sonic runs up or down a curb the screen jitters and it's not subtle either the camera jerks down or up so anyway once you find the portal to the next level or act mission you're treated to a totally rad snowboard level with some of the worst controls imaginable leave it to this game to make a snowboarding level suck this should be one of the high points in the game but of course it's a warm frothy mug of chocolate [ __ ] shake half the time i can't go anywhere or i go in the completely wrong direction beat the act mission and dr eggman sends into the future you get another cut scene and shadow the hedgehog tells you that on august 29th 1997 eggman creates skynet and the world nukes itself giving way for the machine war unless tails gives birth to john connor nah that doesn't happen but basically it's a machine war and time travel why do you need that in a sonic game whatever happened to just saving animals from becoming robots telekinesis time travel treasure hunting bat tits human princess and hedgehog romance this game just feels like it was never meant to be a sonic game i'm sorry to repeat myself but sweet mercy these loading screens are [ __ ] [ __ ] and what's worse is after it loads you're still playing sonico6 between the levels taking forever and the sheer amount of loading screens you see this game is just stealing your life away you're stuck playing the game but time is moving on people are getting older friends come and go new music is starting to sound like [ __ ] to you i see two squirrels [ __ ] outside my basement window oh now there's a new baby squirrel already i could have spent all this time watching that documentary about left-handed mattress makers and you could have had a better hobby like running around the woods sniffing wolf's [ __ ] could you imagine getting close enough to a wolf to sniff its [ __ ] let's play the [ __ ] game every level from here on out gets more and more frustrating the platform jumping in the lava level is some of the worst i like how when sonic dies he just casually lays down on the lava all the sonic 06 has got me beat next you fight iblis or iblis the prickly lava dick from hell he's easy but you'll be fighting the camera just as much hit him a few times loading screen cut scene rinse and repeat so once again we're back here running around for another half an hour radical train dude yeah and what exactly makes this train so radical i don't [ __ ] know it looks like a regular train next time i have to travel i'm gonna take the radical train on second thought i should have carpooled beat the wrestle level and you once again save the princess only to have her immediately stolen back by eggman and then saved again by sonic within a matter of minutes next on to another cut scene filled with awkward sexual tension between a cartoon hedgehog and a human princess and look sonic even gives her the bedroom eyes [Music] 20 loading screens and another creepy cut scene later and guess what the princess gets captured again this time she just turns herself over to eggman a big [ __ ] you to all your hard work so now you play his tails for some reason which is annoying he's slower than [ __ ] coming out of sloth and the sound of his tail spinning is maddening seriously listen to this sound repeatedly for a half hour [Music] now we're on to the real mothers to [ __ ] we're nearing the end of the game but these last two levels are worse than anything up to this point it starts with three trials to make it to the ancient castle the first is the trial of knowledge this will test your mind more like it'll test my [ __ ] patience the whole point is to take the correct portals to get to the end nothing but trial and error just keep picking different portals until you get out it sucks the trial of courage is next and it's a real heap of hog waste this is definitely the worst of the three trials because you have to beat a bunch of enemies without any rings make one mistake and you're dead last is the trial of love pick either amy or the princess it makes no difference either way after the final trial you get to ride an eagle up to the next level as it shits mid-flight get ready for this you better buckle up your [ __ ] belt because this game is about to get turned up to 11 on the dick turd scale this level takes forever and if you get a game over you have to do all these trials again this level took me over an hour to be for real you get to play as silver in this level who for some reason doesn't want to kill you anymore he's okay because he has telekinesis but he still controls like anal leakage but you should already expect that the engines are malfunctioning she dies elise so sonic fails to save her and then she dies so so even when you do save her she either gets captured again or turns herself in or [ __ ] gets obliterated so after you watch the princess get [ __ ] destroyed sonic and silver use their chaos emeralds to go back in time really so they could just go back in time but why not go back in time and kill eggman when he was a baby how about go back in time and stop this game from being made anyway so you run around town you ring three bells you open the final level which is the aquatic base all right here it is the final act mission by now you've adjusted yourself to the crap factor and it's not that the game is any easier it's just that you know how to approach its shittiness after wasting hours of your life that is until i reached by far the most son of a bitchiness obstacle in the entire game the giant steel ball this thing flies all over the damn place with just a slight touch of the joystick if the ball touches the laser you fall to your death i'm losing all my [ __ ] lives here [ __ ] all right we're almost done we're almost done just just focus just focus we're almost done we're almost done yeah i'm almost there i can feel it i reach this room that looks like a goddamn virtual boy game except you'd actually rather play the virtual boy than this garbage run through the windows kill the remaining robots and you reach the end of the stage so after three more cut scenes and three more loading screens it's time the final showdown between you and eggman the fight is frustrating as all hell every time he attacks the camera moves which changes the control directions if you're not ready for it you can fly off the platform the only way to attack is to wait for him to fly at you then grab onto the horn and crash him into the falling bombs after you get three hits his canopy opens and you can attack him by homing into his face all right here we go i got him final shot here we go damn if that isn't the sweetest loading screen ever that's right give me that [ __ ] s rank so on to the final cut scene sonic carries the princess out of the flaming wreckage of eggman ship the two share another sappy moment and then like a vision of true beauty the ending credits thank god sonico 6 is over oh i can move on with my life except there's a bunch of extra side episodes that are essential to the plot ah seriously the last thing i want to do after beating sonico 6 is play more [ __ ] sonic 06 i'd rather rip every individual pube out of my scrotum with salad tongs and play this anymore how did this happen beat these episodes and you get the final one which is the most frustrating first off sonic dies yep sonic dies so everyone has to scramble to get the seven dragon balls i mean chaos emeralds to save his life if you have the patience you can collect them all and put this [ __ ] to rest the princess uses the emeralds to wake up sonic and then [Music] wow can't say i've ever seen that before well sonico 6 it's all done just to think all the hours spent all that time all that torture and now it's all over [Music] when i give you those bedroom eyes right yeah [Music] all right well what game am i going to torture myself with today good morning ned wait who said that down here nerd what the [ __ ] is that thing it's me charlie i've come to help you with your game decision i've got one in mind i think you'll like oh yeah yeah yeah that's just what i need thank you thank you very much how about you just get the hell out of here before i smash your circuits all over the floor why don't you take a look at the game first oh yeah charlie's angels the movie the game i heard that one some great a ass indeed it is ned but you'll only find out if you play now play it okay all right so somebody comes and makes me play a game freddy jason bugs bunny uh speaker phone i mean this is an all-time low we're reaching here and you know where what do you think i do all day just sit around and play shitty games [Music] he's gonna take you back to the past to play the shitty games and suck ass he'd rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear he'd rather eat [Music] he's the angriest gamer you've ever heard he's the angry nintendo [Music] [Music] charlie's angels it was a tv show about three private investigators who work for a mysterious billionaire named charlie the show was a hit and helped launch farrah fawcett to stardom in 2000 they remade it as a feature film with cameron diaz drew barrymore and lucy liu it was a success and helped popularize over-the-top kung fu style fighting with american audiences not everyone liked it roger ebert gave it only half a star calling it eye candy for the blind and that it was like the trailer for a video game movie lacking only the video game and the movie but of course here is the video game which came out the same year as the movie sequel full throttle which was deemed unwatchable which i guess means the game is going to be unplayable the game begins with the statue of liberty being stolen new york is orphan what is the statue of liberty new york's mommy shouldn't it be new york is orphaned or new york is an orphan yeah i got a headline this game is sucks the goal in this game is to find out who's stealing the world's monuments so it's like mario's missing in your first missions you have to infiltrate a bikini contest i have no idea how those two things are related it might have been explained in the opening cut scene but i was distracted by all the characters soulless dead eyes you start the first level as cameron diaz's character and oh why why'd they do this to her face she looks like the joker love that joker is part of her head shaved does she have [ __ ] pink eye i mean why the sweet name is [ __ ] that they make her so hideous she's supposed to be undercover but for some reason everyone on this beach knows who she is and just starts beating the [ __ ] out of her ow jake leave me alone anne yeah they gave all the enemies names like its final fight or something actually this plays a lot like a side scrolling beat em up but in 3d in final fight or streets of rage you'll get the parts where the screen locks and you can't progress until you beat the living [ __ ] out of everyone in the section it worked for those games during that time period but at this point in gaming history we were used to being able to freely explore all around the level but here you hit an invisible wall every five seconds oh and the camera angles they make me want to dip porcupine quills in a toilet bowl cleaner and then jab them into my [ __ ] eyeballs it's super disorienting sometimes you'll see an enemy in the distance you'll start running to do a jump kick or something and then whoa camera changes and you're not sure where he went then 10 people come and clobber you with pipe wrenches i don't get it this isn't resident evil or final fantasy with their pre-rendered backdrops why would they just give you full control of the camera so i know what's going on look at this there's grenades and wrenches coming at me there's no way to dodge or avoid them if only you could rotate the camera you'd be able to see where everything's coming from oh the [ __ ] somebody throws a [ __ ] fire extinguisher oh [Music] back on track you can switch between the different angels but there's no point because you have to play as all them anyway after you play as cameron diaz you switch to lucy lou and what the hell is going on here her ass is gigantic the proportions are not accurate lucy lou's ass is not that big i checked for research oh sure research shut up and just in case you didn't notice the ass right away you get this ladder climbing part it's 30 uninterrupted seconds of ass reminds me that scene from metal gear solid three but awful well one more angel to go let's see what they did with drew barrymore oh no she looks like like some scary dog like a [ __ ] chucky or something what's this it looks like she's wearing assless pants like chaps which are always assless oh how did they do this they took three attractive women and made them look terrifying why and i haven't even started talking about the gameplay well let's break it down every level is the same the angels have to follow the arrow from crazy taxi fight their way to the end of a level and flick a switch so the other angels can progress along the way you can get weapons and extra lives if you really hate yourself you can also collect film reels and memory sticks to see bonus videos and pictures yay there's also power items that restore your health drew barrymore gets the lighter lucy lou gets a muffin like the kind she tries to make in the films and cameron diaz gets a cd i have no idea why each level has the same four or five enemies with the same names and the names don't really match either this guy is named ike when clearly he's mario hey it's a lucy lou i love your movies sometimes you'll have to fight a boss like crispin glover's thin man the boss fights are insanely easy and nowhere near as difficult as fighting a gang of enemies in the regular levels don't forget about asses asses in the cut scenes asses on the ladder weird poison ivy suits that show off more ass wait i have a special attack what could it be [Music] it's an ass attack [Music] it's finally happened for years i've been calling games ass but here is a game that's literally ass i'm really sorry nerd i thought you would have loved a game that was ass and why would i love that because you're a piece of [ __ ] hey you're not talking now charlie [Music] hello i forgot to mention the european playstation 2 version might be fun to give that a whirl [Music] [Music] foreign wars video games come in almost every genre first person shooters 2d platformers 3d platformers first person shooters mixed with 3d platforming action adventure racing flight simulators even vehicular combat however one genre seems to be almost non-existent fighting games it's a no-brainer star wars has such a huge cast of characters they can make an awesome fighting game like mortal kombat or street fighter so where are they well i found a few some games featured fighting modes as a bonus on the wii there were star wars lightsaber battles which was a one-on-one fighter but that came out in 2008 which was much later than the fighting game craze yoda and darth vader were also playable characters in soul calibur which makes no sense but we're talking real fighters why didn't star wars do that the answer is they did and they [ __ ] it up star wars master of terrorist terrorists tetris crazy terrace cassay why don't you just call it star wars tournament fighter it worked for ninja turtles and full house that was a good one so the game starts in usual star wars fashion with the text crawling in space wait a master of teres kasai i thought the game was called masters of terrorist kasai not even the game can say its own title after the stunning defeat and the loss of the death star handed to the galactic empire the emperor demands drastic measures for a swift retribution against the rebel alliance the emperor calls upon the services of a mysterious young woman arden lin wise in the ways of an ancient and almost forgotten fighting art known as teres kasai okay so what is tara's kasai it's gotta be one of those expanded universe type of things so what do we do when we need to look up something in star wars the star wars encyclopedia [Music] what jizz a popular style of free form wailing music jizz yeah there is jizz in this book jizzwheeler a musician who plays a fast contemporary and upbeat style of music jizz whaler it's in star wars anyway teres kassai a form of hand-to-hand combat roughly translated into steel hands that is taught in the picanth reach so let me get this straight the death star blows up and the emperor's back up plan is to replace a space station with enough firepower to destroy a planet with someone who can fight with their bare hands sorry steel hands which is basically the same idea as tekken which means iron fist in japan all right i guess i'll pick arden lynn since she's the only one i know who's a master of terrace kasai all right get ready to eat my fist [Music] what i thought this was going to be hand-hand combat what's this bath of [ __ ] luke has his lightsaber han has a gun leia has a stick thing they all have [ __ ] weapons except arden lin i don't get it what's the point of wanting to be a master of steel fists if everyone's just gonna use blasters and [ __ ] it makes no sense also how are half of these people supposed to go up against a lightsaber oh never mind the lightsabers in this game are useless they're more like light batons they don't cut through [ __ ] could you imagine if lightsabers were this ineffective in the movies picture chewbacca running around the death star and then he bumps into darth vader vader ignites his lightsaber and goes for the killing blow but then it bounces off him like a wiffle ball bat so long vader let's see if the ancient fighting style of terrace kasai can help me let's try some of these moves we'll start with the teres kasai chain starter forward forward circle triangle square triangle what the [ __ ] it's not working you gotta be [ __ ] me the odds of pulling off a special move are three thousand seven hundred twenty to one but the computer will do it every single time [ __ ] this i'm trying a new character okay we have the usual cast of characters here luke leia han chewie there's even a gamorian guard named thok that's a stupid name oh look a tuscan raider wonder what this guy's name is [ __ ] [ __ ] really [ __ ] suddenly names like jar jar binks and plo clunes sound awesome [ __ ] [ __ ] i can come up with a better character how about an ithorian with a chainsaw named fox what more can i say about this game it's awful the premise is dumb the controls are slow and rarely work the characters aren't balanced at all some are way stronger than others half the time i win because my enemy accidentally rolls off the stage i swear i get more victories with ring outs than i do anything else i can see why star wars doesn't bother with fighting games their first outing was an embarrassment the combo system barely works and if you really try at it you get the kasai kicked out of your tear ass i still think the idea of a star wars fighting game could have been great but too bad they were just jerking off masters of terrorist cassette more like [ __ ] of terrorist kasai so after a lot of button mashing luck and hatred for myself i get to the final boss darth vader and let me tell you this [ __ ] makes shang sung and m bison look like [ __ ] his moves are overpowered and he just [ __ ] you up oh but we can't end this way i gotta win to beat darth vader i have to take some extreme measures i have to go back to the past [Music] [Applause] how do you like that [ __ ] anakin die die i know that's cheap but so is this masters of terrorist kasai game you know it can't get any worse than that oh a package from disney and lucasfilm a special edition what did they change they pointlessly shoved characters from later movies into the game now you can play as kylo ren and bb-8 they made changes to the locations too now when you play on tatooine the ring is surrounded by banthas on hoth a wampa takes up the whole screen and roars while you're trying to fight remember fighting in the rancor pit well now half the screen is cut off so you can see the max rebo band playing in the palace huh that's weird i'm trying to play as han solo but isn't letting me do any attacks oh i get it now when you play as han you can only defend yourself after getting hit first now every explosion in the game has an added shock wave before when you unlocked the stormtrooper he was just called stormtrooper now he has a full name davin felth they changed boba fett's voice to the actor who played jango fett and at last when darth vader falls out the ring he makes a sound [Applause] yeah well if they actually made that game it would be better than the real version the real version it's so bad it tainted the legacy of lucasarts and it tainted my soul [Music] what what why is it just bouncing off [Music] he's playing some games the worst he recalls he's gonna find out which one sucked the most balls the angry video game nerd is here oh he's making a list and checking it twice he's gonna go home and eat chicken and rice the angry video game nerd is here he hates the games that stink he knows which games to break he just might even hate them all cause he's mad for [ __ ] sake you better watch out don't give these games a try you better not play him he's telling you why the angry video game nerd is here [Music] well santa left me this present here but i don't want to play it whatever it might be because all these shitty brains have rotted my game don't you mean the shitty games have rotted your brain oh hey santa oh hello nerd your brain has rotted away but i'm here to save the day as you will see i have the help you need oh how how open the present nerd i believe it will be the solution to all your problems if it's a severed head i'm going to be very upset come on nerd i'm only trying to help [Music] it's uh what the hell is it that right there is lightspan adventures uh what lightspan adventures long long ago in the late 90s lightspan adventures was made for the sony playstation it was distributed to schools as a valuable edutainment tool it branches together the worlds of knowledge with the world of electronic entertainment you see nerd by playing these educational games you'll repair your brain oh yeah santa thanks that that makes a lot of sense use shitty games to fix my brain that's been [ __ ] up by shitty games you piece of [ __ ] you know what you can just [ __ ] right off you [ __ ] sucker [ __ ] [Music] okay all right let's see what kind of [ __ ] you packed in here oh okay huh a playstation oh okay and then a school textbook ho ho ho merry christmas nerd [Music] all right let's look this over a 50-pound box of discs a workbook a playstation with a bunch of [ __ ] wires oh great oh thanks an rf adapter too oh what a tease this is imagine getting a free playstation from your school but all you get with it is a bunch of edutainment games it's like getting to go to an awesome water park for free but all the water slides are piss slides oh my gosh look at this [ __ ] these are only some of the games they made lightspan put out more games on the playstation than most major game companies alright so i guess i'll just pick something and pop it in all right k9.5 live in airedale it's a game about a bunch of disney reject dog characters in a lame ass band clicking on the pictures gives you a little info about each character but trust me you don't want it they're annoying as [ __ ] my real name is james harrison richards iii but all my friends just call me rip i play lead guitar my guitar i call it rover it's pretty good oh my gosh i i'd rather have a big hairy cow thing uh take a wet runny poopy in my hearing hole ugh i gotta fix my brain so you're on your way to play a show in what looks like the most unsafe blimp ever seriously look at this [ __ ] you're in giant dog bowls attached by ropes to balloons and it doesn't look like anyone's even controlling it so then a tornado comes out of nowhere and all your instruments get scattered around the area and you gotta use your word learning to find them it's basically moving quizzes like an animated test in this one you have to jump on the vines that have nouns or adjectives on them you see everyone a noun is a person place or things such as [ __ ] ass or hell an adjective describes something like shitty assy or helly match the right one and you go forward [ __ ] up and you fall it doesn't matter though you just start back where you were this is pretty simple i think i'm actually learning something here okay now for the adjectives wait what so i'm supposed to pick which one is the adjective sun five or face i guess the only one it could be is five but so five is the adjective they they could have come up with a better example i mean look it up in the dictionary the number five is usually a noun but when you say there's five of something that makes it an adjective it's kind of confusing way to be an [ __ ] with your trick questions they could have come up with a better adjective like fluffy this time i'm going to challenge myself i want to learn so let's go with level 2 canyon here you have to use the correct form of the verb to fill in a sentence and get little rock balls you see a verb is an action word like shove as in i'd rather shove a dragon fruit into my [ __ ] than play this game after completing all the sentences you get to play the world's slowest game of arkanoid this is heli assy and shitty oh and good luck getting that last one it takes forever [Music] oh that's great after you win you find a bass guitar made out of human remains did he get it by dueling satan in a rock off challenge huh he got that base from satan and i got this game from santa makes you think so of course k9.5 sucks doggy dick let's get swinging all right let's try chasmania i really gotta say if there's one thing lightspan was good at it was creating the ugliest characters possible kaz is a slug girl with a weird inflated head she must have had part of her brain cut out because her skull's lopsided okay and look at all the friends i mean look at them they they look like a bunch of infectious diseases under a microscope i mean they're all mismatched and completely unappealing i mean i despise them their visage brings severe displeasure and mental anguish i have to admit these games seem to be helping i've noticed an increase in mental acuity as well as a more educated lexicon maybe i'm getting more smarter and lesser dumber so this one's a shitty first person shooter an sfps you run around with some of the most unresponsive controls in history you lob blue balls at [ __ ] plunger pogo robots you shoot these kiosks which makes you answer boring questions i hate this i end up just blind guessing this isn't what learning is supposed to be this isn't teaching me anything all i'm doing is half-assing it to get it over with you add another half-ass you get a whole ass which is the opposite of [ __ ] and from that [ __ ] you get a whole [ __ ] and speaking of half-assed that's what this game is it came out in 97 the same year as final fantasy 7 symphony of the night and abe's odyssey this game is boring as [ __ ] the graphics are ugly as [ __ ] the music is like having your ear holes [ __ ] repeatedly by a flaming demon dildo you see i just shared three similes with you that's a literary device using like or as to draw a comparison between two things these light span games feature some of the worst visuals i've ever seen you don't believe me check out any of the games featuring pk and other nightmarish misfit mascot of lightspan out of every character in these games pk is by far the scariest thing in every game he's featured in he's the only 3d character these supporting characters are lame but not too bad then pk comes in to fuel your nightmares and traumatize you why'd they hand draw every other character but make him 3d he looks like a store brand toucan sam that murders children in his spare time the funniest thing about him is the steady decrease in quality of his animation throughout all the games in the beginning it looks like someone tried to spend time working on him but then they started caring less and less here he's just inserted into a castle and repeats the same few frames of animation in this game he's just a still picture with a voice over and moving eyes even the people who created this avian atrocity didn't feel like working on him why put him in so many games if the main focus is on these weird side characters anyway i know i asked this a lot but what were they thinking every game is the same answer some questions watch a shitty cartoon answer some questions watch a shitty cartoon answering questions watching shitty cartoons i'm putting a stop to this endless [ __ ] cycle while these games may be the electronic manifestation of bovine and canine fecal matter i am however noticing favorable increases in my linguistic skills hmm i think it's now time to improve my arithmetic [ __ ] piss [ __ ] monkey [ __ ] let's learn some [ __ ] math on the move so the first weird thing about this game is what happens when you click these music notes the video plays showing you these fake arcade games there's alligator farm which is like shitty donkey kong yeah you ever play that one shitty donkey kong smack them and slap them maybe it's the sequel to beat them and eat them and then there's prehistoric driving it looks worse than desert bus you're driving on a white background while the same dinosaur flips out over and over again why even have them they're not even playable games you know when i say a game is unplayable well these ones you actually can't play get ready for math on the move it's the worst in the light span catalog choose a category and then either lesson or practice this game really ups the laziness because it isn't even a [ __ ] game it's just videos starring the dorkiest geeks of the entire 90s hope you enjoy your game look at how geeky they are i mean look how they're dressed not all cool like me this game looks like the 90s got food poisoning and then hurled into a toilet and then shot in it and then forgot to flush ah there's nothing like a bunch of goofy [ __ ] telling you how to add numbers together as they pretend to spazzing dinosaurs there oh hi and why do they feature a dinosaur anyway it makes no sense imagine coming home from school and having to actually play this [ __ ] for homework wow could you imagine the conversation on the bus ride to school monday morning some kids talking about some awesome dinosaur game dino crisis that he rented from blockbuster and then the other kids like like oh yeah i played a dinosaur game too oh yeah like like what like uh jurassic park no primal rage no um oh yeah you must mean turok no no not that well what what game was it math on the move and then everyone laughs at you including the bus driver practice mode is just as pointless you sit and watch math problems and they give you the answer 57 what's this teaching me that my patience is running thin this is something that could have been a vhs tape not a playstation game oh my god it's so bad the playstation's soiled it's unclean it's broken i i don't even want it in my house anymore yeah i know the amount of playstation consoles may seem superfluous but you'd be astonished at how many times i've had to cleanse my dwelling of be grimed and impure consoles tainted by shitty games buckle up fuckeroos i know i said math on the move was the worst but this is the best of the worst calamity something calamity the natural world it starts off as any shit-fest wood with those muddy full motion cinematics indicative of electronic anal fudge calamity jane gets a weird time machine from none other than jules verne because why the hell not jules verne really phoned it in on this one he's supposed to be french but sometimes he sounds german i guess i don't know it's just all these conflicting accents going on now keep trying until you win don't give up viva parallel to these events two kids in the future are getting ready for a baseball game at calamity jane middle school when you guessed it they're transported into the past and have to help the real calamity jane so basically it's a shitty version of bill and ted yeah and calamity jane uh according to common history knowledge she was an illiterate alcoholic prostitute really great role model you dug up there light span are you ready for another kind of ride so the kids need to help calamity get the time machine up and running again you know they need to get back to the future so they can get back to their baseball game it's really her calamity jane cool we've been transported to the past cool are you crazy we've got the playoffs in an hour their baseball game is in an hour but uh from what i understand they're in the 1800s right now so i think they have plenty of [ __ ] time oh [ __ ] it i'm not gonna argue the logistics of this heap of pachyderm piss and [ __ ] so to get the time machine running again you gotta fix it right no of course not you have to read articles and answer questions imagine if that worked in real life like oh my car broke down here that fixed the engine here that fixed the tire here that filled the gas beep let's go so anyway the game plays as boring as the rest read [ __ ] answer [ __ ] it's as simple as that oh and jules verne is just as bored as us go back or quit and for the love of [ __ ] and all that is assy and shitty look at that wall of text oh this is teaching me a lot this is teaching me how to scroll down i mean who's going to read any of this i'd rather have captain nemo pilot the nautilus directly into my jejunum that's the portion of the small intestine between the ilium and the duodenum in layman's terms pretty far up my [ __ ] [ __ ] confound this repugnant discharge to the inferno of the future state of the wicked for i am the exasperated electronic amusement connoisseur and to everyone everywhere enjoy your winter solstice holidays you

Channel: Cinemassacre

Views: 4,329,353

Keywords: avgn season 11, angry video game nerd season 11, avgn season eleven, angry video game nerd season eleven, avgn first season, avgn, angry video game nerd

Id: SMXG2j_q_0Q

Length: 164min 40sec (9880 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 13 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/[deleted]]

Aren't numbered anything bad for algorithms?

[u/Ham1ltron]

The season's over already? Wow

[u/[deleted]]

The algorithm made me do it

[u/RankaTanka]

Did they really have to give him the soy boy open mouth syndrome.