Angry Video Game Nerd - Season 14 (AVGN Full Season Fourteen)

[Music] color dreams was the company making all these unlicensed games for the nes like captain comic secret scout and raid 2020. maybe i'll review that in the year 2020 [Applause] [Music] this is what we all been waiting for to play the shitty games [Music] is [Music] well i hope you didn't expect much because it was a throwaway line you know the year 2020 i'll be reviewing raid 2020. uh i wish i didn't say that it was like pissing up a drainage pipe it all comes back to you i mean i figured that's a long time i mean who knows if i'll even still be alive or the earth would even exist anymore but here we are so what am i going to do bail out i mean i could it was just a hypothetical quote wasn't legally signed and notarized i said maybe i'll review it like maybe if i do we can all shut the [ __ ] up about it it was one of those unlicensed baby blue cartridges made by color dreams which i already talked about or i think i talked about it did i oh really i'm asking did i because it was a long time ago i can't remember [ __ ] now so what the hell good stories are worth retelling basically color dreams was making unlicensed nes games much to the ire of nintendo and nintendo decided they weren't making money off of these pieces of [ __ ] then nobody else should executives from nintendo then contacted all retailers who were selling colored dreams games and demanded they stop or their supply of real nes games would be cut off yeah imagine a game store that didn't have any mario game but it had castle of deceit and deathbots and menace beach and all that [ __ ] and back then retailers couldn't afford to be cut off by nintendo so they just had to say hey sorry colored dreams you're gonna have to [ __ ] off and then color dreams without anywhere to sell their games thought huh what would jesus do yeah so color dreams rebranded to wisdom tree are more like stupid-ass piece of [ __ ] tree and sold their games in christian bookstores which weren't selling video games to begin with they were selling christian books on top of this they figured nintendo wouldn't go after christian bookstores or else they'd suffer the wrath of god because if there's one person nintendo knew they couldn't tangle with it was jesus [ __ ] christ and as you know they switched over to making bible games and even before that they already had the market cornered with shitty unlicensed mediocre garbage that nintendo wanted nothing to do with and that's how we have raid 2020. honestly the cyberpunk cover art looks pretty cool with that blade runner vibe huh blade runner took place in 2019 so was raid 2020 trying to be a bootleg sequel or something probably not since the working title of the game was drug sar drug tsar drug tsar well on with the game let's play drugstar 2020. now that's a title screen you got an uzi machine gun and a bottle of moose pills or something and i think those are lines of cocaine i like this here winners fight drugs like it's not enough to say no to drugs that's [ __ ] [ __ ] in the year 2020 if you want to be a winner you gotta actually fight drugs yeah that's that's one hell of a thought could you imagine fighting drugs literally just getting a big sack of drugs and just punching the [ __ ] out of it rocky balboa style yeah speed bag with actual speed [Music] all right i'm gonna start this filth up again for you but first let's take in this moment i'm playing raid 2020 in the year 2020. ad2020 a plague of by the way i had to do a freeze frame here because it flashes by so quickly you'll never have time to read it narcotics transcending the bounds of race economy and time have put a stranglehold on america wait wait what the [ __ ] transcending time the drugs are transcending time what like like they're coming from the future they're you're going into the future to get the drugs or the people from the future traveling back to sell them i mean i don't know what but if you had the capability of time travel you got to be really doped up if the first thought on your mind is getting more drugs so you play as a drug enforcement guy or detective or private whatever but he looks more shady than any of the enemies you gunned down he's like a criminal from a cartoon he looks like the dude on the neighborhood watch sign and his name is shadow oh shadow my first major complaint is that the b a buttons are switched with b for jump and a for attack but i'm beginning to think that's actually more common now meaning actual good games are less standard than this mountain of turkey turds now speaking of turds it's not that common when a game that [ __ ] actually has [ __ ] in it the birds fire feces all over the place and what's really great the thing i absolutely love is that you can shoot the [ __ ] i never played this game in any year other than 2020 but i couldn't imagine this in the 80s going into school and telling my friends i was just playing this nintendo game where i shot up a bunch of mutant bird turds but the real funny thing and what this game might be alluding to is that there actually was a sport in the 60s and 70s mostly in eastern europe and south africa which was actually shooting bird turds because it was like a high level skill it was one thing to shoot a bird but to time it right when the turrets are dropping from its foul anus actually nobody does that i'm just kidding okay where was i oh the game the objective is simple you kill drug dealers tons of them all kinds some are tall some are short some are sad some are glad and some are very very bad why are they sad and glad and bad i do not know go ask your dad you even have cyborg drug dealers now i'm willing to accept the idea of fighting drug dealing cyborgs but what's with the birds bats and bugs is nature attacking too just for the hell of it are the animals all high on drugs is that what's going on here are the birds bad guys is that why they're wearing eye masks like the hamburglar and there's poop splattered anuses on the floor and if you step on them you're dead instantly and yeah i looked them up in the instruction manual and that's what they're called poop splattered anuses yeah now you're not gonna trust anything i say but if you believe one thing it's that this game is garbage it's [ __ ] packed to the most dense capacity revolting controls putrid piss graphics vomitous audio baffling glitches made from the imagination of a stink bug and above all it's repetitive you just gunned down everything in sight for hours and hours man this guy has such a high body count he's a flat out serial killer i mean i know he's a cop taking down bad guys but what was the crime again drugs well i mean i get the game as anti-drugs and sure drugs are bad but what's the punishment murder it's basically a crap version of the arcade game narc where you shoot the [ __ ] out of drug dealers well narc was already made into a crappy nes game so this game is a shittier version of the shitty version of narc for a game about going on a shooting spree your gun is almost useless your bullet disappears if you fire another one too soon so you can't hit the button rapidly or else your bullets won't go anywhere it's kind of like taking a [ __ ] on an escalator you watch that log of dookie go up up up up until it's gone and then it just comes back again with a hold and it's not like that at all sorry every now and then you go through a door and slip into this alternate side level where you have to hop across what looks like these wooden support beams for piers you wouldn't think these things would be such a nuisance but try jumping across them and you get that choppy perception that special shitty slippery feeling you get when playing garbage bin nes games and where the hell am i supposed to be anyway looks like the training stage from karate kid oh look there he is oh [ __ ] back to the main part of the stage moving around sucks you think pressing up or down would make you go up or down but instead you move diagonally they had to get fancy with it i think a 3d perspective was a little too ambitious for a game that can't even get bna right sometimes i'll try to go in a door and accidentally step on a mine and other times i'll want to get away from a door and get stuck going in and out it requires a level of precision this game doesn't deserve the whacked out perspective only gets fuckier when you get the jet pack which can only be found in the left door don't even try to enter the right door all it does is send you to the left door without the jet pack on please tell me if that makes any sense because i feel like i'm losing my [ __ ] mind here but anyway this jetpack is the best thing this game has to offer now you can just fly over half the level and access items that you couldn't reach there's boots all over the place and i have no idea what they do i thought they'd let you walk over the poop's splattered anuses but sometimes it works and other times you get blown the [ __ ] up i got blowed up there's also upgrades for your gun but the projectiles just dance around the enemies like in fester's quest especially the one that fires in a circle how is that supposed to hit anything like look at this [ __ ] i can't even kill this crow maybe the bullets are made of crows when you beat the level it says good job shadow drug trafficking activity has decreased but the pier is still infested with dealers go save our peer wow so we're not [ __ ] around here we really have to kill every single person we see damn so let's go back through the level and gun down every last degenerate [ __ ] dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead okay did i kill enough [ __ ] people i don't see anyone else so i exit the level again and what the [ __ ] who did i miss all that's left are the bugs birds and bats are they all drug dealers too wow what a bleak future colored dreams painted for the year 2020 the drug epidemic's gotten so bad that even the local wildlife is trying to get you high could you imagine walking through the park and a pigeon's trying to get you hooked on heroin okay i figured it out and you're not gonna believe this extra enemies will respawn when you hit the select button yeah when you bring up the menu and then come back out of the menu there'll be certain enemies there that weren't there before so you have to go back through every room hitting the select button to make them all show up yeah i walked through this level like five times and there was only one enemy left to kill well damn you think maybe we could have let that one guy live i mean after all he was hiding in a room after you just laid waste to everything on the pier i mean after witnessing the death of all his drug dealing friends don't you think maybe he'll change his ways well in the year 2020 winners fight drugs all right so i killed the last guy and finally i'm off to the second level it starts up and whoa i'm on a boat now well at least the game has some variety there's a tiny helicopter face [ __ ] me i'm stuck in between an alligator with whiskers and a coked up killer whale this is quite a scene it's drug fueled madness where you can't touch anything rocks kill you in one hit turret shooting every direction helicopters slam into you orcas are swimming everywhere and of course logs of shabby looking chocolate bars that fell in the toilet next to a lag of [ __ ] you can upgrade your weapon here but now you move at half the speed so you're not doing much to help yourself like blowing your nose into a tissue that you just used to wipe your [ __ ] you just gotta destroy all the helicopters and now we're ready to move on to level three you know so far for a game that takes place in the year 2020 it seems fairly accurate i mean there's no flying cars or futuristic [ __ ] just piers boats seagulls that attack exaggerated but still set in a normal world so unlike street fighter 2010 i think color dreams actually got the time period correct oh boy holy [ __ ] it's the space city of technopolis populated with robots flying saucers blue worms electric snowballs guys with faces impaled with bazookas yeah that's the style in 2020 and you can turn into a spaceship shooting sonic booms or a motorcycle now this is the future i was expecting then you get a message saying to destroy the drug satellite and then wait drug satellite drug satellite wow now my mind's blown they're actually broadcasting the drugs via oh well it is the year 2020. i mean maybe now they're actually doing that i mean that's how i feel playing this like i'm going insane what now the game turned into action 52. oh my god i don't even know what's going on i'm just mashing buttons hoping i'm hitting [ __ ] next stage is back to normal running around the laundry room fighting giant mice yeah that's normal for this game sadly though i died and ran out of continues i'm sorry but i'm not playing that boat level or getting gang-banged by the drug satellite and it's blue balls another 50 times so i'm gonna use a level skip code and this code you're not gonna believe how you do it i mean seriously you are going to think i am making it up but i promise you for real this is actually how you do the code you need to plug in the second controller why you have to plug in the second controller to enter a code for a one player game is beyond me so on controller one you hold up and a and on controller two you hold up have fun with that then you let go on the first controller and hit the b button and then hold b to hit select keeping in mind you don't just hold b it's a tap and a hold i guess they figured they [ __ ] up the game so bad they might as well make the code something so secret that no one will ever guess how it's done well i would have never guessed that so mission accomplished and that's not all you have to do it during gameplay not at the title screen not while paused it's the only code i know of that's this complicated and that you also have to do while fending off enemies imagine if you're trying to do the contra code but you had to plug in an nes4 score and four controllers on controller one you hit up up on controller two down down on controller three left right left right and on controller four hit b a start what was color dreams thinking i bet nuclear launch codes aren't as complicated as this so back to the [ __ ] show i'm getting shot at from all angles there's robots turrets and mines all over the place the goal is to destroy the villain pitbulls computers and it's one of those where the [ __ ] do you go kind of stages i ran all around but every door brought me back to the beginning then i found out by accident that you have to go into this black rectangle next to the doors to get to the top you know i don't even question anymore at this point i've seen almost everything oh and these rectangles are everywhere but it's only this specific one that actually does anything and just to think i found it by accident by missing the door that i thought i was trying to get into you know it's like with this game the only way to beat it is to [ __ ] up your way into winning so you walk along the rafters killing the giant mice and evil [ __ ] molecules until you get to this green thing that's apparently the computer card but what's next well then you drop down and enter the door now remember you got to enter the right door the correct door not the right one because that sends you back you gotta go the left door which leads to a red cave and here you fight spiders and bats of course there's also drug dealers both human and robots then you have to take a wild guess and press down on one of these circles so you can enter like mario going down a pipe and this is the only place in the game with these pits so seriously how are you supposed to know that without blind guessing also you need to enter a specific pit the third one all the others just lead back to the beginning the third pit leads to a cave filled with spiders and two more pits luckily this time i got the correct one on my first try this leads you to a room with a dealer and three possible ways out the sides just lead back out again but the pit leads you to an identical room go in the pit again and you find the room with the key to get the key you need to kill this giant [ __ ] ant if you don't have the gun upgrade this thing is a pain you have to run past it and then stand on the drug dealer's head and jump up and down to shoot the ant how [ __ ] up on drugs is this dealer to let a cop jump on his head repeatedly just imagine this scene a cop jumping off a drug dealer's head to shoot a giant ant and this game is anti-drugs well the developers had to be on something so when you kill the ant make sure you don't kill the dealer until you get the key otherwise you can't make the jump and have to do the caves again after getting the key you just walk back to this door and enter pitbull's lair so here we go the final confrontation he's a green guy dressed like michael jackson thriller i guess he has absolutely no recognizable pattern he just walks up swinging drumsticks and [ __ ] you to death while constantly farting yeah i mean listen to it listen [Music] it's a fart yeah i mean you could probably get high off his farts his farts are basically like the ghosts of the drugs he's taken it's worse than the drug satellite and i can't believe i just made that sentence you have to keep firing at him and hope it hits this fight alone with all the times i died took almost as long to beat as the entire game but with a lot of luck and a lack of anything else better to do i was able to beat pitball and destroy his command center thank [ __ ] congratulations shadow you have overcome treacherous obstacles and destroyed pitballs evil drug empire your success will carry us into new height in our fight against drugs remember winners need no drugs and with that it's over i hope wong and burke are happy with themselves at least the game was trying to push a positive message to keep kids away from drugs but if anything it probably made people want to do drugs it would have helped if the game was actually any good you know like mario 3. imagine mario 3 had an anti-drug message that might have worked but with this i feel like i need something maybe some tylenol at least well anyway i'm glad that raid 2020 is finally done and over with now i mean it became sort of like an inside joke inside where exactly you know but there exist more games out there with future dates that my future self might have to deal with maybe i'll play phantom 2040 in the year 2040 or rush 2049 in the year 2049 then it's only a couple decades until cyber ball 2070 and if the new game cyberpunk 2077 sucks i can play that in 2077. but then in all honesty i might have the perfect excuse not to because i'll be 97 or dead but then in 2084 after my body is replaced by a t-800 endoskeleton with human skin i can review robotron 2084 or robot ron if you prefer in 2142 i'll upload my consciousness into the cloud transcending physical existence and becoming everything and nothing so i can review battlefield 2142 i'm glad that one's not for a while in the year 3000 i'll play simcity 3000 for the remaining humans after my self-aware mechanical herd and nerds wipes out the majority of the human population then the machines will make a time displacement device and send me back to the years i wasn't reviewing games and review those also i'll play every madden in the year they came out madden 94 madden 95 madden 96 and once i get through all the madden games i'll go back to the year 64 and do mario 64 pilotwings 64 and all the n64 games with 64 in the title and then just in case you thought it was 1964 i'll go the year 1964 and do them all over again speaking of which no one will know the difference because they've never seen a video game in fact they'd be so impressed with it it'll be like some kind of technological miracle who is this weird robot guy who came from the future and brought electronic video tv games then decide well maybe i should have starred them with atari 2600 because that would be simpler rather than making somebody play a 3d game who's never seen or heard of a video game but then i figure why not go to the year 2600 to play atari 2600 and then to the year 7 800 for atari 7800 and wow that's a long time from now and i don't even think video games exist anymore or the complete opposite i'd play atari jaguar in the year jaguar because now apple's naming all of them and because numbers actually ran out by now and you know everything else is going on poopity poopity turd [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] and [ __ ] he's the angry video game nerd [Applause] [ __ ] mortal kombat you don't get much more badass than that when this sumbitch came out it changed the landscape of gaming entirely it garnered praise and a ton of controversy even the government was trying to ban it until they came up with the bright idea of ratings it's crazy to think with how violent the series is today this caused an uproar nowadays the gore isn't too crazy but back in 92 holy [ __ ] it was unlike anything we'd ever seen before while street fighter 2 was revolutionary for fighting games mortal kombat was revolutionary for video games as a whole the game was turned into a comic book cartoon movie live action series trading cards and of course the album by the immortals with that legendary single techno syndrome which became the mortal kombat theme but the whole album just pummels you with a meteor shower of sizzling hot beats one of the biggest things about this game was the special moves and the fatalities which all required complex button combinations which we had to commit to memory you know how much of our brain power that used up we were sitting in school and supposed to be listening to our history lesson but instead we're tuning out the teacher and just thinking fork forward high kick down up low punch you know we're all hopped up on game pro magazines we can't wait to get to the arcade so once the bell rings the school lets out that's the time to let it rip to let it [ __ ] loose running the bus screaming mortal kombat yeah just like the kid in the commercial he goes out on the streets and screams mortal combat as if his life depends on it with raw emotions tearing through like a shock wave paving a radius of mighty force emanating from the ground where he stands and then a crowd marches out as if they heard the call to action as if to say damn straight mortal combat because this isn't just a game this is a way of [ __ ] life the commercial of course was announcing that mortal kombat was coming to home consoles the year of our lord september 13th 1993 mortal [ __ ] monday this would be the day a crowd of edgy 90s teens gathered in the streets to celebrate because when it was in the arcades it was always surrounded and guarded by bigger kids the quarter hogs but now we'd be taking it back to our own homes that commercial announcing mortal monday was like a call of freedom a call that begged to be reckoned with a call that defined the generation while the definitive way to play mortal kombat will always be the arcade people couldn't wait to bring the game home and start ripping out hearts and spines from their couches each port is more or less a fair recreation of the arcade version however they all have minor and sometimes major differences that keep the game from being a hundred percent there we still ate it up though mortal kombat's launch went down as one of the biggest game releases in history and we all crowded around our living rooms to witness it in all its violent glory so had all these ports stack up against each other like this first let's look at the super nintendo version this port was published by acclaim and developed by sculptured software after turning it on you get this little animation of goro walking up and punching the acclaim logo yeah and of course acclaim is the company that bought ljn yeah punch that logo goro yeah yeah yeah punch the [ __ ] out of it yeah i could watch him punch that [ __ ] logo all day so right off the bat i'm gonna address the elephant in the room the thing that everybody talks about is that the super nintendo version was censored and is infamous for removing the blood or replacing it with sweat um the sweat thing if that's really supposed to be sweat you know what that's kind of disgusting i think it's even more disgusting than blood i mean how sweaty are these fighters to begin with they only just started fighting and like a gallon of sweat came out of scorpion i hope they're slamming down gatorade in between matches otherwise they're gonna have some serious dehydration issues in my opinion the first mortal kombat was never known to be a tight and precise fighting game it was more of a mindless blood sport that you and your friends played for fun and it was just a style of it how it was basically like enter the dragon the game but removing the blood it just makes this a mediocre fighter on the superintendent with street fighter 2 turbo out the same year but sadly compared to all the other issues this game has the lack of blood is only minor but before we get into this [ __ ] let's talk about what this game does well for one the game looks pretty damn close to the arcade the graphics are clean the sound is decent and the voice samples sound pretty clear but all that is [ __ ] on by some of the most frustrating controls i've ever felt the game just feels unresponsive there's been so many times where i'm hidden buttons and nothing happens sometimes i'll be nowhere near the enemy but able to sweep them infinitely from a mile away so another thing that blows is getting hit while shooting a projectile cancels your projectile in the arcade version if i shoot ice but get hit by the opponent's projectile my ice still hits them but in the super nintendo version it disappears i don't know why they would program it like this all this really comes to a head when you hit the endurance levels oh my lord the endurance levels i spent more time on these three levels than i did on the rest of the game having to beat two opponents while struggling to control the game makes these three levels a [ __ ] show i can't stand it when i beat the first opponent and the second opponent comes in and cheap shots me in the arcade these parts are tough but they still seem fair it really does come down to a test of endurance but the super nintendo version is a test of patience the computer gets really cheap here too it's demoralizing having to continue over and over just to lose when you're so close to the end is really painful what's worse is goro and shang tsung are [ __ ] pushovers i destroyed them on my first try i was kind of disappointed can you have some [ __ ] balance here and speaking of disappointing let's take a look at the fatalities in every version of the game the only people whose fatalities stay the same are scorpion sonia and liu kang i never really understood lou kang's fatality he flops all around and uppercuts you it's awful kanos is also kind of the same but i don't understand what he's ripping out of luke hang i guess it's his sweat gland or something sub-zero loses his famous head rip and instead freezes and shatters you that makes sense actually i think it's a more appropriate fatality for sub-zero but what i don't understand is how do they scream after being frozen and shattered raiden's fatality is pretty cool too he electrocutes you into dust to be honest i actually like this over his original fatality the pit fatality is pretty lame without blood it just looks wrong when johnny cage gets knocked down he just chills out down there he looks completely fine like by some miracle he fell all the way down and missed the spikes speaking of johnny cage his fatality is by far the worst in the game and maybe even the whole series he kicks you in the chest and his foot disappears while they just flail around i mean this right here is the epitome of not even trying i mean you couldn't even try to make that happen as his foot disappears before it even touches what is going on well this gets my award for the shittiest fatality all right well let's move on to the next one the genesis version now let me tell you straight out this is a deal breaker to me because three buttons three buttons for mortal kombat how does that work both high punch and low punch share the a button a regular tap is a low punch if you're holding a direction it turns it to high punch b and c are both the kick buttons and start is block so it can be done but the thing is you just gotta get a six button controller if you have the six button controller you're fine the main advantage this one has over the super nintendo is the blood yep it has the blood after you put in a code that is without the code you get censored fatalities and no blood the censored fatalities in this one are actually worse than the super nintendo version sub zero just uppercuts you into the air johnny cage shadow kicks you off the screen raiden shoots lightning and you fall and kano steals your wallet he steals your wallet yeah i mean i guess he he just he takes your wallet and the shock of it kills you there's absolutely no reason to play this without the code the pit is actually turned off without the code so [ __ ] this [ __ ] put in that blood code god damn it reset and hit aba cabb or abacab at the text in the beginning there's also a second code called the dullard code you get this one by hitting down up left left a right down at the start screen get it it spells dullard besides unlocking blood and the real fatalities you also get a cheat menu that lets you do some cool stuff you can make it so the computer always uses a fatality make reptile appear before every fight give yourself infinite continues and make the head of fergus mcgovern bob around the moon fergus mcgovern was the founder of probe software and his face pops up as an easter egg in their mortal kombat ports he shows up in mortal kombat 2 as a secret fatality the fergality yeah no joke the fergality but anyway back to the genesis port at first glance it doesn't look as good as the super nintendo version the colors are all muted and everyone has these red pixels around them but hey [ __ ] it there's blood right that's all you need and the controls are actually responsive and don't feel like there's eight seconds of lag the music has that signature genesis feel and actually sounds groovier than the super nintendo i mean listen to the courtyard music on the super nintendo and compare it to the genesis [Music] so overall it's a decent port with flaws that don't harm the overall experience of course you have to have the six button controller though now let's [ __ ] it all up and play mortal kombat on game boy yeah can you believe i'm doing this you want to bring mortal kombat with you wherever you go huh well to that i say don't just don't wait till you get home because this is easily the worst version of mortal kombat i've played so far this one was also made by probe but they must have rushed through this and spent all their game development talent on the genesis version the music is a mess of screeches and farts it just sounds like ass and a half the game only has six characters instead of seven you can't fit one more guy they could do six but they just couldn't do seven johnny cage is left out on this one but i'm pretty sure he's cool with it luke hang has one big tooth raiden looks like someone walked in on him in the bathroom scorpion and sub-zero are barely distinguishable and sonia has these dark soulless eyes she freaks me the [ __ ] out the game just gets worse and worse as you play it if you thought the super nintendo was unresponsive this game changes the entire definition of unresponsive there's a good second of input lag on all the moves lots of the time you kick through the enemy how did i not hit them am i a ghost and didn't know it is that the twist trying to pull off a special move as a [ __ ] feat sometimes i get them and other times i'll do all the same [ __ ] only to get my ass handed to me while i flail around and don't even think of trying out a fatality they might as well not even be in the game because i tried and i couldn't even do one of them and it doesn't help the game boy has only two buttons yeah if i had a problem with the genesis having three game boy only has two how do you play mortal kombat with two and yeah okay the game boy has limitations there's certain things they just couldn't help but you know what mortal kombat 2 on game boy was pretty decent so i think they just [ __ ] up here even if i could pull the fatalities off guess what they're awful for example kano just kicks you in the air yeah not worth the frustration it's like right after they made the genesis version they said oh yeah you gotta make a game boy version too and they were like oh [ __ ] we only have seven minutes and this is what they gave us after playing through it for almost an hour i managed to get to goro but boy he [ __ ] my [ __ ] up in the first round he was super easy but then he went into like a panic mode and decimated me i lost all my continues and just couldn't force myself to give a [ __ ] game over boy nintendo's really getting the shitty end of the mortal kombat port stick well hopefully sega can salvage it with the game gear version and round it out nicely this one has a blood code and it's in color oh and unlike the game boy has johnny cage um but no kano overall it's okay but compared to the game boy it's legendary i mean if you're looking for mortal kombat on the go this is the one you want all the fatalities are here too just game gearified sadly there's no pit fatality even though the only two levels you get are goro's lair and the pit the game does have some issues it looks real choppy and slow the background always jitters when you move and the game feels like the characters are underwater and for some reason goro is shorter in this version looks so weird goro is supposed to be the most intimidating boss in the game he's a huge four-armed monster man and the prince of the shokan race he commands the armies of outworld but here he just looks goofy it's like when they made tiny goros as pets in the judge dredd arcade game maybe we'll do that sometime well it's passable but still kind of shitty and i can't end on something that's kind of shitty you know so instead let's end on some real ass vomit mortal kombat on tiger electronics two of them two yeah cause why the [ __ ] not and would you know hasbro is bringing these things back so the timing's perfect so the first of the two was a standard tiger electronic in 93 and the commercial was hilarious it was a bunch of kids on a playground trying to get rid of the damn game even the kids in the commercial didn't want this thing but then in 94 they made a tiger bar codes version or barcodes yeah let's see what tiger did to mortal kombat yeah look at this that tiger [ __ ] mauled it unfortunately yeah unfortunately my tiger handheld mortal kombat doesn't work you know so i can't play it all i see is a jumbled mess of a person on the screen so we can just forget about this one except for the fact that they made tiger handheld emulators what the [ __ ] yeah tiger handheld emulators i'm not even kidding i think it's safe to say we've officially hit the bottom of the porto potty when it comes to video game emulation a human being had to actually scan all the artwork in the games and program them to work on a main emulator so what you're seeing here is an emulated version of the tiger electronic mortal kombat and now it sucks balls in hd surprisingly the game features all seven original characters as well as goro and shang tsung wow the game boy and game gear version couldn't even get all seven well that's one point for tiger electronics go get em tiger but each character is just the same with graphics added sonia is the worst of all because she shares the same body as johnny cage and liu kang there actually do exist button combinations where you can pull off special moves this is also how you do the finishing moves which just knocks them out it's shitty but honestly i think i'd rather play this than the game boy version moving on we have the tiger bar cods version this one's a bit bigger and actually has real sound instead of just beeps and boops there's only four selectable characters in this one liu kang raiden subzero and scorpion and goro is the only boss no shang tsung the special moves and fatalities are the same as in the other tiger game but this time when you pull off a fatality the opponent turns into a skeleton which is kind of cool for a tiger game i mean who would have thought fatalities in a tiger game and one really weird thing about this is that it comes with trading cards no not these trading cards these kind of trading cards which are the kind that you scan to get all kinds of power ups and [ __ ] i guess that's kind of cool but you never know what the cards are going to do some cards give your character or the opponent more strength defense life etc but some cards outright kill you why would you want a card that kills you before the fight even starts what is the point and it's not like there's any descriptions on these cards that really tell you exactly what they do it's just a guessing game so they threw the death ones on here just to be [ __ ] there's also a card that kills the opponent without even having to fight them just scan it and they die you can actually beat the entire game by just scanning this card yeah so in case you're planning to speed run a tiger game you could just scan this 10 times i don't see the point why even turn the damn thing on to begin with [Music] well those are all the ports shout out on mortal monday as well as some extra dingleberries i know i missed some other ports like the sega cd version but that one is mostly the same as the genesis with some enhancements also i mainly wanted to stick to the original console releases and the tiger ones needed to be [ __ ] on because they exist well to this day mortal kombat is still one of gaming's biggest franchises after 28 years it's still going strong and even though it was inspired by street fighter it set itself apart and inspired all kinds of other fighting games many of which are clones or rip-offs of mortal kombat [Music] [Music] [Applause] what the [ __ ] where am i huh [Music] he's gonna take you back to the past [Applause] to play the shitty games and suck ass he'd rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear [Music] [Music] where were we okay so as i was saying last time mortal kombat went on to inspire a generation of knockoffs and imitators that just couldn't replicate what midway was doing but don't think that stopped anyone from trying though i sure wish they did companies hungry for that sweet blood-stained mortal kombat money went to cash in on the phenomenon and the first to take a stab at it was incredible technologies with their game time killers time killers came out only a few months after mortal kombat did and was really meant to be more of an answer to street fighter however the heavy reliance on blood and gore caused it to be thought of as a rip-off of mortal kombat the game is basically the definition of nothing special the only real defining feature of this game is the ability to dismember and even decapitate your opponent during a match which i'll admit is kind of amusing and actually satisfying when you can pull it off it's just a flesh wound right there's also a fatality move you can do when the opponent gets dizzy all you have to do is hit all the buttons at once it's cool the first time but it gets old pretty quick because it's the same for every character they just slash the arms and head off the opponent and that's it once you've seen a character do it you've basically seen everyone do it it's funny seeing the opponent without a head between rounds though i could see this as being a fun diversion or a time killer if you will but i couldn't imagine popping quarters into this game the only reason i ever saw people playing this in the arcades was if mortal kombat and street fighter were taken up it's funny to say but mortal kombat had class but this game feels like a dirty 50 cent hooker you came across in an alley it really goes to show you that mortal kombat had so much more than just the violence going for it the gameplay was fun and the story was cool the violence was just the cherry on top not to mention the characters were memorable you know scorpions sub-zero lukang johnny cage sonia kano raiden we all know them but who the [ __ ] remembers wolf leaf thug mantas i only know them because i'm looking at them the second i turn this off i'll go back to my blissful existence of not remembering the entire roster is just unappealing to look at their animation sucks and there is generic as hell the only character i kinda like is rancid because he has a chainsaw but oh my is he hideous he's basically the epitome of what 90s corporate suits thought was edgy a big-ass hoop earring and a mohawk the color of mucus yup that's 90s edgy in a nutshell even though it says he's from the year 2024 well if this is what people look like in four years we're doomed as a society and no i'm not reviewing this in the year 2024 because i'm doing it right now so the whole point of the game is to beat everyone and then fight against death himself to become immortal which death apparently is because he says it every chance he gets [Music] to beat death you have to finish him off by decapitating him which trust me is way easier said than done death puts every mortal combat boss to shame goro shang tsung shao khan death thinks they're all a bunch of [ __ ] all of his moves are insanely difficult to block and he often cancels out your moves he can even one shot you before the round barely begins death is a [ __ ] i have an unhealthy amount of hate for this game seriously you need to spend a goddamn paycheck to beat this [ __ ] in an actual arcade machine it took me 14 tries but i was able to slice his head off highlander style so there's seven dollars in fake quarters and about an hour of my life wasted luckily i'm immortal now so this wasn't exactly the mortal kombat killer that incredible technologies hoped it would be but time killers was apparently popular enough to warrant a console port so here's time killers on sega genesis oh those graphics you got to be kidding me okay so this game came out in 96. what's the point there were genesis games in 89 that looked better than this this could pass as an nes or master system game look at this matrix doesn't even have a face she doesn't have a face the sound is god-awful too all the characters sound like they're being strangled and the music sounds like the london symphony orchestra if they replace their instruments with diseased roosters the fact that this got released so late in the genesis lifespan and no the fact this got released at all shows they just didn't give a [ __ ] i played the game long enough to get to death which took less than 10 minutes i beat every other character on my first try but death is as cheap as ever and unlike the arcade you only get four continues so yeah i didn't beat him and i don't give a [ __ ] i'd rather play fred savage savage fury tournament fighter at least that one had better controls this is not worthy of the sega genesis i mean i don't understand how an actual person could look at this game and think it was morally right to charge money for it they sold this to people for money they should be ashamed but believe it or not capcom was actually impressed with time killers the arcade version that is enough so that they gave incredible technologies the opportunity to make street fighter the movie the game so get this a company that ripped off mortal kombat and street fighter was paid by capcom to make a street fighter game that rips off mortal kombat just blows my mind back in my street fighter 2010 review i talked about street fighter the movie the game or so i thought what i actually talked about was the version that capcom developed and released on home consoles however the arcade version is an entirely different game so why did capcom say [ __ ] you to incredible technologies and make their own version well just look at it gone are all the things that made street fighter a success the precision is replaced with clunky button mashing the iconic music is replaced with generic droning background noise that barely qualifies as music and the voice acting yeah just like time killers the game wants nothing more than all the quarters in your pocket the game can be downright unfair at times the difficulty spikes randomly and some fighters are damn near impossible the worst fight by far is against sagitt he has this eye laser that freezes you and he uses it a lot boy i am sick of that eye laser also for some reason they added akuma even though he wasn't in the movie and he's played by ernie reyes senior father of ernie rez jr of course his teleport looks really stupid like some kind of clown act or something he just runs around like a jackass with all that said the game actually introduced a number of innovative features that would be adopted by later street fighter games but the game itself is about as fun as having anal leakage on a public transit yeah no fun because of this mess capcom had to redo the game from the ground up but street fighter the movie the game the arcade will forever be another skid mark on the street fighter bath towel bath towel that e honda took a [ __ ] in okay okay this next game we have here jackie chan in fist of fire now this i could actually get into it's a mortal combat rip-off with jackie chan oh i don't care if the game sucks or not it's jackie [ __ ] chan in a mortal kombat style fighting game all right this is actually an update of a game called jackie chan the kung fu master in that version jackie chan is a boss character and isn't playable though but in fist of fire you get not one not two but three versions of jackie chan to play as this game is ass but it's fun ass it's in no way a perfect game but if i saw this at an arcade i'd definitely toss some quarters in other than the three versions of jackie chan there's also six other characters to choose from each of which was either in a jackie chan movie or part of his stunt team the game is pretty damn difficult but the novelty alone makes it fun to play also there's fatalities that is unless you're fighting as jackie chan or against him he's the only character that can't be finished off and if he loses he gets right back up and congratulates the winner and that is so jackie chan to get right back up after a beat down and give a thumbs up the fatalities are actually pretty gruesome too people get cut in half crushed and blood sprays from their throat other than that it's pretty light-hearted like most of his films this would definitely be good for getting some friends around having a beer and beating the [ __ ] out of each other in the game though not in real life overall a fun diversion it was good to cleanse the palate from all the diarrhea we've been gargling but don't worry from here on out you're gonna see some serious [ __ ] here it is tattoo ass assens now we're really getting into it this is possibly the most notorious of all the mortal kombat rip-offs and the crazy thing is it was never actually released the game was developed by data east pinball a company that well get this only made pinball games who would have thought but what's even crazier it was created by bob gale the writer of back to the future yeah i don't even know what to think of this a mortal kombat ripoff developed by a pinball company created by the writer of back to the future is this real life the story centers around this guy in a diaper and has magic ink that gives people powers only certain people can handle the ink while others turn into hideous mutants an evil guy named coldin steals the ink and decides to make an army of mutants to take over the world and you have to stop him there's nine extremely generic characters to choose from all with their own unique marketing logo and backstory honestly though i haven't read any of them because i can't stop staring at their faces the eyes are drawn on most of them some look okay i guess but others have these weird googly eyes that are staring off to the side the best is ac currant with the goofiest smile i've ever seen so what really makes tattoo assassins stand out from all other fighting games is the amount of fatalities yeah they really cut no corners with this one i mean this has more fatalities than any other game you know how many 2196 wow i don't know guys you think you think maybe do you think that's enough fatalities i mean if there's 2196 fatalities and nine characters that means each one has 244 fatalities mortal kombat only has one or two per character but that's [ __ ] [ __ ] compared to tattoo assassins yeah no joke there are so many fatalities that all you have to do is mash random buttons at the end of a fight and odds are you'll do one i swear i'm just hitting whatever and i do a fatality every time well the game's great for people who can't pull off fatalities all you have to do is mash buttons and there you go well thank god for bob gale and data east pinball the fatalities can get pretty weird too i mean they really took the idea of the most absurd levels people turn into mona lisa have a fly swatter smash them get crushed by a jpeg of the titanic and my favorite get burned to death by flaming farts okay i'll give him that mortal kombat didn't have flaming fart fatalities not until the playstation 2 era they even threw in some amusing nods to data east and back to the future you can have a delorean run your opponent over or crush them with this burger time thing the weirdest one i've seen you fart out a turkey and it splits into more turkeys that bounce you and the opponent all over the place i don't know what they were on i mean possibly maybe drugs there's even a nude ality no joke this was always a rumor about the original mortal kombat but tattoo assassins actually went and did it while tattoo assassins goes above and beyond in the fatality department it completely took it up the ass on gameplay i feel like no matter who i play as my hits barely connect that is unless i play as carla she's basically a mixture of sub-zero and figure skater nancy kerrigan with her i can pretty much [ __ ] up everyone in the game even the boss characters are pretty easy and let me tell you about the bosses before you fight the main guy coldin you have to fight his three mutant warriors first is rhina a rhino woman who moves super fast she's pretty easy in fact sometimes she won't do [ __ ] and just stands there second you fight dk get it like dk because he's a zombie i'm pretty sure he's just one of the guys at the data east pinball office in a party city zombie costume and last there's prism a crystal skeleton guy who dies in four hits seriously you just jump kick him four times and he explodes i don't know if that was on purpose but it is what it is colden is just a cheap final boss if he wins he stabs you with his freddy krueger glove but if carla wins he explodes spectacularly and she goes to disneyland i like how they just photoshopped some mickey mouse ears on the only picture they had of her so there's tattoo ass assens sadly deities pinballs no more but i think they'd be proud to know that their game that never got to see a wide release ended up gaining a bit of a cult following years later so this brings me to our last game and for this one we're taking a detour away from the arcades and digging out the old 3do and this one also happens to be one of the worst fighting games i've ever played shadow war succession now before i show you this i need you to keep in mind this is a real game this was released on home consoles the first thing you get is this cut scene of a helicopter flying past the statue of liberty which is piss yellow for some reason and how'd they screw that up because the helicopter is green so it's not like they couldn't make it the right color also listen to that music this was on the 3do a cd based console and the music sounds like it was made by someone [ __ ] a casio so then the helicopter flies up to a building where a terrible 3d model is standing and begins to shoot into it at one frame per second turns out this was a hit on kincaid storm a billionaire and leader of the evil organization s-h-a-d-o-w shadow which stands for syndicate of hate anarchy destruction and organized warfare but it should stand for a shitty heap of ass doused in orangutan whiz good lord look at that select screen look at those characters anvil carlos or is it carlo three i mean holy [ __ ] i know i called the characters and time killers and tattoo assassins generic but for [ __ ] sake this game changes the meaning i don't even think generic covers it all right let's see this game is a [ __ ] to play and it sucks this should be a new stronger word for shitty games like these like like a [ __ ] sucky or suck [ __ ] this game's a suck [ __ ] so surprise shadow war's succession has absolutely no redeeming factors the control is basically non-existent you could throw the controller across the room and piss on and get the same result as actually trying to play it normally the sound is an auditory anus fisting also the voice acting is hilarious i will be the next shadow king prepare to eat lead baby go to hell underneath all that garbage you're just like all the street punks i've wasted before i think the best part though is the fact they forgot the fatalities they forgot the fatalities the game prompts you to finish your opponent but they never actually program the fatalities i'd rather play mortal kombat on the superintendent than this any day i'd rather play the genesis version with the three button controller i i'd rather play the game boy version or even the tiger games instead of this how do you rip off mortal kombat but fail so hard you forget the program fatalities in the game not like it health the game itself is such a mess that nothing could possibly save it the first time i played this game i used seven continues on the first character gabriella and mind you i was on the easiest difficulty no matter what i did i couldn't hit her then when i tried everyone else i finally chose gabriella and realized that she seemed to be the only character that was actually programmed somewhat right she's the only person i can actually win as with everyone else i get my ass stomped especially carlos and he's holding a goddamn shotgun so i struggled my way through the game only to get to the end and find out you can't fight the boss on easy mode so i went through again i was able to get to the end with all my continues intact but then i got to the final boss apparently he's the guy from the beginning who got shot by the helicopter but now he's a cyborg or whatever it doesn't matter all you need to know is he puts every video game final boss to shame even death from time killers on top of the controls not working most the time he's cheap as [ __ ] he constantly spams projectiles takes less damage than normal characters and has a spin move that's the thing nightmares come from once he uses it you're pretty much [ __ ] because then he just beats the ever-loving [ __ ] out of you in the corner so here we go i blew eight continues and this is my last one it's do or die i've come this far and i can't bear the idea of playing this one more minute and he destroys me game over that's it i lose i get nothing good day sir but [ __ ] that i can't just go about my day and forget the horrors i witnessed on the 3do i just can't shake my need for satisfaction i have to play through it to get closure but this time i know what to do i almost had him the last time this time it'll be different and after an hour of jumping around like a [ __ ] idiot and listening to the same phrase over and over i finally get back to that son of a [ __ ] and this time i [ __ ] his [ __ ] up on my first try hell yeah well that's the ending can't say i expected much you know i had to beat it for my own peace of mind but was it worth it no truthfully i'd rather lick a cat's [ __ ] a cat's hole yeah you know if you have a black cat like mine the brightest part on the cat is the [ __ ] it almost glows in the dark when he runs down the basement it looks like a white dot bouncing down the steps cat's hole looks like a broken off banana but before i start elaborating further on cats holes i better come up with an ending unfortunately i got nothing so i'll just have to rip off some previous avgn episodes so after you beat the boss you get to see the best ending in video game history what a piece of [ __ ] pickle you're easier to beat in real life than you are in that [ __ ] game you know good pieces [Music] [Music] i think in my opinion the super nintendo has the best library of any game console super metroid mega man x castlevania 4 sim city pilot wings f-zero final fantasy 3 chrome trigger donkey kong country mario world mario rpg mario kart zelda links the past earth pounds you just can't top it so it had a lot of good games but if you dig deep enough if you sniff hard for that diarrhea dookie you'll find rare putrid shit-crusted gems such as wizard of oz or lester the unlikable and if you really want to get down to it hong kong 97 but that doesn't really count because it was just a rom for the super famicom only and it wasn't even really much of a game at all so it's been a while since i dedicated a full episode to a super nintendo game so let's break out dennis the [ __ ] menace to south central while drinking your juice in the hood it was based on the 1993 movie dennis the menace which was based on the 86 cartoon series which was based on the 59 sitcom which was based on the 51 comic strip that by some total coincidence came out the same exact day as another comic titled dennis the menace in the uk which later became known as dennis the menace and nasher just to offer some distinction such as this game is shitty diarrhea while this game is shitty diarrhea and puke i mean i gotta admit i never knew dennis had a british twin two comics both about a troublesome boy both debuting the same day and if you're from the uk you'll call the one that i'm talking about the other dennis the menace and vice versa so it's like two separate [ __ ] dimensions yeah two dimensions separated by an ocean and speaking of ocean the game was created by ocean the same [ __ ] nuts who brought you robocop 2 and adam's family on nes geez course it was them they're like the british version of ljn oh and because this whole british versus american dennis the menace thing the pal version of the game is simply titled dennis without the menace but even with the name confusion both dennis has led to their fair share of tv series and movies but i'll always best remember the 86 dennis the menace cartoon show and from what i saw the characters seemed to peak in popularity around the time the 93 film came out which was one of several films about mischievous young boys riding the wave of home alone it was all about traps pranks and toy weapons when you look at the evolution of action movies beginning with westerns you'll notice how the main choice of weapon always changes in the 50s and 60s it was all about rifles in the late 70s and 80s it was lasers but as soon as the 90s hit it was slingshots and squirt guns alright let's start this garbage up you notice how i already declared it garbage before the review begins yeah that means we already hit bottom our face is already in the toilet bowl and the only direction now is to force our way down into the septic tank i'm just saying it's gonna suck please expect no positivity the first thing you need to do when you turn this game on is go to the options and give yourself nine lives you're gonna need them because this game is hard as fossilized dinosaur dick it's a non-stop [ __ ] storm everything you see wants you dead it's filled to max capacity with enemies and hazards i usually can't make it 10 seconds without getting hit traditionally the character dennis keeps annoying his neighbor mr wilson even though dennis means well he always ends up causing huge problems for mr wilson he was like the original steve urkel and in that same regard it seems the game is just as troublesome to the player so they got that right the first level has you running through the hallways of mr wilson's house now the halls just keep going on and on if this was a real house it would take up an entire block but only be about 10 feet wide imagine living next door to this monstrosity also does mr wilson's house have some kind of poltergeist an infinite amount of records are flying off the record player teacups bowling balls boxing gloves and even suppositories try to kill you he also owns a million purple cats the tiger king's got nothing on him his attic is infested with spiders and these creepy ass bats that look like they have human faces and his main concern is dennis why hasn't this poor guy moved out by now move out of this haunted [ __ ] up house and not just move out but call the vacuum cleaner guy from breaking bad to hide his identity start a new life and considering how many platforms extra beds cabinets and needless household objects i haven't seen a single bathroom the weapons suck you start off with a squirt gun that doesn't do diddly dick sometimes it freezes enemies for a second but most the time it does absolutely nothing at least it's better than the kane and jekyll and hyde which does worse than nothing it gets you dangerously close to enemies or even riles them up to attack you so while the squirt gun does nothing at least it's better than negative nothing that's a positive way to look at it right well the negative side to that is there's no such thing as negative nothing am i sure about that i'm positive you grab a slingshot at the beginning but it also sucks it shoots like two feet in front of you and hits the ground there's also a pea shooter in the basement that's the weapon you want but it's a massive hike to get it the path to it requires some serious pinpoint platforming accuracy if you mess up you have to run all the way back and start over they make sure the path you need to be on is the most convoluted out of the way path possible and it doesn't help that there's a million things trying to kill you at every step so i'm just running around and holy [ __ ] it's mr wilson himself out of nowhere comes this freaky giant walter matthau who charges at you and takes you away if he catches you it's instant death that's right mr wilson finally did it he killed dennis the menace so who's the real menace can you look more menincing man i gotta say this is a type of game where you play the first level run around like an idiot finding doors you can't open things you can't jump on items and platforms you can't reach and get so stressed out you give up and turn the game off yeah it's one of those for the longest time i couldn't even figure out what to do well it turns out the object of the game is to collect four coins and find the end that doesn't sound hard but trust me it is every level is a sprawling labyrinth and there's no indication of where the coins actually are you just have to run around aimlessly for what feels like an eternity it's like trying to find pieces of broken glass in an olympic sized swimming pool and needless to say the reward is rather painful sometimes you can even see a coin but have no idea how the [ __ ] to get it everything in the level looks the same and all the enemies respawn so it's hard to know if i ran through that area already most of the time i'm running in circles and have absolutely no idea oh and of course there's a time limit and it ends up being the biggest antagonist in the whole game you have 999 seconds which ends up being a little over 15 minutes but if you die the timer doesn't reset no and if that reaches zero you lose all your lives and have to continue this really blows ass because you have to start the entire level over all your progress is gone and 15 plus minutes of your life wasted each stage is split into four or more levels so it takes roughly an hour to complete one stage if you continue and have to start over it could take even longer most the time i forget where the hell i went to find the coins so i end up having to scour the entire level again it's such a tedious process that i honestly can't understand how anyone would find this fun the park stage is six levels long you have four regular levels and two auto scrolling levels [ __ ] these auto scrolling levels these are a nightmare if you make one mistake one mistake you're done for enemies are everywhere there's squirrels launching nuts invincible owls birds bouncing balls and swinging sacks while dodging all this [ __ ] you also have to make sure the dog stays close because you need it to make certain jumps if you [ __ ] up in any way you have to start the entire thing over and like everything else these levels go on forever the feeling of getting far into the level only to lose is maddening this level goes on for about five minutes and that's if you don't die if you do die it could go on 20 minutes or more now think about that this is only the third level in the game and i've been playing for 45 minutes this game has over 20 levels i'm not joking the level design is an asshole-ish anomaly of astrological proportions whoever is responsible for it obviously hates anyone who plays video games there is absolutely no reason a game based on dennis the menace should be this hard [ __ ] contra ninja gaiden dennis the menace makes those games look easy it's like they didn't want anyone to play it it has no purpose except for sadistic [ __ ] seekers like myself even after you beat this there's no comfort because you still have to play through four more levels in the park stage the music just drones on and on and it's permanently burned into my memory each level ends with a boss fight that requires no skill just the patience of a [ __ ] saint the first boss is this deranged girl on a swing just when i thought things couldn't get any freakier i mean look at her face she has this exaggerated ren and stimpy style expression you just have to keep shooting her while dodging a mouse and an acorn and when you beat her she flies off and dies now all that freakiness aside this was just a regular girl swinging on a swing dennis the menace more like dennis the murderer oh mr wilson what do you want that kid is a pain in the ass the boss fights are all pretty much the same shooting something while dodging [ __ ] the bosses take a ton of hits to kill and every time you hit them they're invincible for a few seconds so it just eats up more of your time after the park stage you go to the boiler there's acid dripping out of pipes and steam shooting everywhere there's also these little fire people walking around that are invincible your slingshot and peashooter don't do a thing to them and i know what you're thinking this is the perfect time to use the water gun water to put out fire well that would make sense right but of course it doesn't do [ __ ] just freezes them this just baffles the [ __ ] out of me and really coils up my colon why the [ __ ] would the water gun not hurt the fire people there's no reason to even have it there's no reason for anything in this game it's just [ __ ] meant to frustrate and confuse you the platforming really starts to rear its ugly head here every level is a maze of pipes leading up and all around and it's never clear where you have to go if you miss a jump be prepared to have to run through the entire level again it's like the game was designed by a spoiled brat that wants nothing more than to piss you off dennis the menace himself probably designed this every time i think this game can't possibly get any harder the difficulty ramps it up to insane degrees after the boiler is the sewer of course right it's like a shitty game design requirement to have a sewer level i played a lot of sewer levels in my time but nothing in all my years of gaming could prepare me for the sewer level in dennis the menace first off when the [ __ ] did this even happen in the movie i'll admit i haven't seen every episode of the cartoon the sitcom or read every panel of the comic strip but i really don't remember ever seeing dennis running around a sewer filled with [ __ ] snot and demonic heads barfing out water there's even ninja turtles i'm not kidding dennis the menace is fighting ninja turtles in the sewer i couldn't make this [ __ ] up if i tried the first two sewer levels aren't even that hard it kind of tricks you into thinking the worst is behind you it isn't until sewer 3 where the game really turns up the diarrhea dial and makes you wish for oblivion the entire level is a platforming piss shower most the level is just a pit with tiny platforms and enemies scattered all over there's even green [ __ ] bubbles that pop after a few seconds so you have to time your jumps precisely sometimes the bubbles won't spawn no matter what you do so you just have to jump and hope there's something there to catch you i spent my last two continues on this part and when i saw that game over screen i wanted to put my goddamn fist through the tv i felt emotions i didn't even know existed here anger and rage on a level that normal human being should never have to feel i've had times where i was so close to shedding tears of rage two hours of my life down the [ __ ] [ __ ] literally the [ __ ] for the life of me i just couldn't beat this level and of course i started the game back up and had to get all the way back honestly i hate to say it but i was going to resort to cheat codes but there aren't any cheat codes i was hoping for a level skip code just so i could start where i left off but no i had to run through mr wilson's house again the park the boiler room and the goddamn [ __ ] smeared sewers again i also tried to look up a walk through because by this time i couldn't remember where in the [ __ ] hell all the coins were but the only walkthrough i found stops at the third park level the writer quit after four levels i was able to get to this point without using a single continue and i knew what to expect here it's weird to admit but after playing this game for so long my skills were heightened to the point of gaming godhood but then i hit sewer four and it was like i ran into a brick wall at full speed i died over 25 times on this level alone everything that i complained about in the last level is ramped up to 11. the entire level is platforming and [ __ ] fish everywhere every time i get an inch further i die and have to go back it's a constant cycle of jumping panicking and dying this level itself is a circle of hell meant only for the worst of sinners eventually i beat it but at what cost i was exhausted and i just spent the entire day playing dennis the menace on super nintendo the boss fight is a giant fish with disappearing platforms i lost all my continues by this point and when i finished the fight i only had six lives left and the worst part is i still had a whopping five levels to go i got to the second level in the woods which is just another tree level like the park and lost the last of my lives i've been playing for almost 3 hours 20 levels and i got a game over well that's it i just can't take it anymore i gotta see how this piece of [ __ ] ends earlier i looked up walkthroughs but not gameplay i found some screenshots oh look who it is christopher [ __ ] lloyd looking like he's from the cover of mad magazine he was the bad guy in the movie switchblade sam but i don't remember him tying dennis's friends to a damn tree first time i'm hearing about that [ __ ] the game doesn't start with any goddamn story i'm not restarting this shitty game just to see suck [ __ ] sam roll by in a [ __ ] wheelbarrow while some pixelated [ __ ] stare at me under credits [Music] this game sucks my ass with a shot back it rivals torture devices like the rack the pendulum and the iron [ __ ] maiden if i ever have to play this [ __ ] again i'll cut my [ __ ] hands off i'd rather be waterboarded with weak old diarrhea i'd rather deliberately give myself splinters on my scrotum and then tear them out with my teeth i'd rather snort a line of piss caked cat litter than ever let this game soil my super nintendo again [ __ ] every single thing about this game and [ __ ] everyone who made it [ __ ] everyone who played it too like myself dennis the menace more like den ass the men ass hey mr wilson you [ __ ] [Music] [Music] so today we have the nes game the incredible crash dummies based on the cartoon based on the toys based on the public service announcements yeah it may be hard to believe from the late 80s early 90s this was a big franchise and for a very brief period of time i was into them as much as ninja turtles yeah it began with the public service announcements or psas which seemed to be all over the tv at the time when you sit down and watch cartoons on saturday morning you'd also get to see pee-wee herman telling you not to do crack this is crack dude pee-wee herman is holding crack and when peewee is serious it's scary most kids at that age didn't even know what drugs were i have a friend who learned about marijuana from the ninja turtles psa no joke you imagine that conversation what's a marijuana mom where'd you hear that son oh from the ninja turtles and with that he was never allowed to watch ninja turtles again true story sometimes psas were actually part of the show like at the end of gi joe you just watch 20 minutes of guys shooting lasers and missiles at each other and then one of these [ __ ] starts going off about good sportsmanship not playing on thin ice or how to escape a house fire that you also caused so some cartoons had psas but one psa became a cartoon the incredible crash dummies vince and larry these characters were created by the national highway safety administration to resemble real crash test dummies the ones used by vehicle manufacturers to test what would happen if someone were in an accident but the incredible crash dummies were the spokesperson versions who would say don't be a dummy buckle your seat belts it was a reasonable safety message of course everyone should buckle their seat belts but then the dollar signs kicked in and the toy line started it's the incredible crash dummy i feel like a wreck [Music] when dummies get behind the wheel it's their job to crash i just love going to pieces the incredible crash dummies each car comes with special dummies now that was a pretty lame cash grab but i gotta admit i loved these toys as a kid i used to get out the sears catalogs and circle them for my christmas wish lists now why were they so awesome well what other toy can you think of where the whole point is to break them the dummies heads and limbs pop off and then you can put them in a car and set up an epic stunt scene ooh that was pretty damn cathartic man and then you get to put them all back together and do it again oh look at that the only downfall after every crash you're bound to lose pieces behind furniture and in every corner i'm gonna be finding crash dummy limbs in this room for years to come when you're sitting there with your friends and they're playing with their power rangers or whatever you're sitting here ramming this [ __ ] car like a maniac and you look like a crazy person one time a friend said to me hey my parents won't let me play with these i was like why and he said because they make kids think that crashing cars is cool and that's when i realized these things were a bit controversial but i knew they were just for fun i've been in a real accident twice and it's very different and not fun at all but these were just dummies not real humans oh wait there's a dog and a cat come on you don't kill the pets and there's a baby character called skid the kid okay i take it back these things were pretty [ __ ] up what were they thinking and who needs the cars let's cut straight to the chase just sit them in a chair to launch them directly into a [ __ ] wall bam bam let's see that again oh brutal or if that's not enough how about put them in the crash cannon yeah when would you ever see a crash test dummy inside a [ __ ] cannon just to make sure it's safe for human launching here we go whoa [ __ ] or even better the torture rack don't be a dummy buckle your seatbelt while you're living out your masochistic fantasies [ __ ] or that'll happen you can also run over a skunk which would make it a road killed skunk that i'd rather eat the rotten [ __ ] out of anyway as they expanded out into other media like cartoons they eventually made their way to video games like the commodore 64 version let's try this out oh wait that's not a game it's the band okay all right no more [ __ ] around let's get to the game now there's one thing about this game that you should probably know and i bet you guessed already because i've been holding my finger over this spot here for a reason you know what's gonna happen i'm gonna pull my finger away there's gonna be some dramatic music and well should i just do it [Music] i'm gonna do it once there was this nerd who got incredible grass [Music] the game would be extra shitty he said he'd rather smash his own nutsack with a crowd so it's what you'd expect from good old ljn and this game came out in 93 by that time most people were playing super nintendo in genesis and even the playstation came out the next year in japan you'd think by now these laughing joking numbnuts would have given us something halfway decent but no it was their trademark their seal of [ __ ] they make shitty games that's what they do they're proud of it like a musk ox marking its territory during mating season their hair gets soaked in their own piss which gives them their own distinct and profound smell even nintendo power said it has that distinct ljn feel they just didn't elaborate on the musk ox piss ritual so anyway if you play an ljn game you know what you're getting into in fact the real test dummies were us because when gamers sat down the couch to play this abomination it was like strapping yourself into the driving seat of a horrendous putrid tragic piece of [ __ ] game which is on a one-way course to [ __ ] disaster it takes place in a dystopian post-apocalyptic world where car crashes have caused the entire human race to go extinct a group of sentient crash test dummies spend their days trying to create the safest vehicle for the next wave of dominant organic life forms nah the real plot is way more boring than that you play as the incredible crash dumbasses slick and spin your mission is to fight against the evil junk man to save your friends spare tire and daryl i don't get daryl all the other characters have some dumb car pun name like slick spin spare tire or lube job so junk man has taken spare tire and daryl and it's obvious it was no accident get it it was no accident pretty funny huh accident like a car accident yeah that's pretty damn hilarious even the instruction manual has a page of dad jokes look at these knee slappers what's the one thing a person who doesn't use safety belts will never see old age wow that's grim here's another one what's the first thing that goes through your head when you find yourself in an accident without your safety belt buckled the windshield damn now it's one thing in a psa to shock people to teach them how serious it is but here they treat traffic safety like it's a [ __ ] joke i mean scientists used actual crash test dummies to make safer cars coupled with the psas new traffic laws airbags deaths from car crashes dropped dramatically since the 70s and these [ __ ] crammed more car crash jokes into their game than i cram [ __ ] jokes into a script well let's travel down the old hershey highway to shitsburg buckle up buckaroos the graphics are abysmal literally most of the levels are made up of random platforms drawn into a dark abyss the instruction manual has more color in it than this game does it's often hard to tell what parts are in the background and what parts are actually in your way everything is just flat and lifeless the character animation looks really stupid everyone walks like they're holding in a huge [ __ ] you know like when you have to go so bad it feels like the poop's pressing into your pelvic bone the game itself is pretty straightforward you play as spin who's always on a unicycle and slick who just walks i much prefer playing a slick his levels are a lot easier because he doesn't slide all over the place like spin which is funny because you figure the guy named slick would be slipping all over the place but spin controls like sonic the hedgehog but coded an anal lube the first time you play as slick is in the second level the sewers so at least they get the obligatory sewer level out of the way quickly it's another mucus-filled sewer like in dennis the menace does anybody in video games take a normal healthy brown [ __ ] like what's with all this green boogerman [ __ ] each dummy has a short range attack that stuns enemies the manual says it's an exhaust gun so you're pretty much blasting carbon monoxide into the faces of your enemies and they're choking on engine fumes you can also pick up oil cans for a long range ammo and arms that turn you into a spinning dummy of death you can collect traffic cones which give you an extra life when you collect 50 of them balloons which make you all floaty when you jump steering wheels are kind of like the invincibility stars in mario extra heads fill your life meter and the worst item in the goddamn game is rockets the rockets send you flying all over the place and are pretty much a death sentence later in the game just look at this right here i'm trying as hard as i can to control this [ __ ] dummy and he just does whatever he feels like the sad thing is the game is almost decent it has some pretty good music composed by tim and jeff fallon the composers of a silver surfer on nes which i have on vinyl no joke okay so the first shitty mechanic is hitting certain enemies that can cause you to fly back and explode and i really mean fly back because you don't stop until you hit a solid wall this was the very first thing that happened to me when i started playing it's a huge pain in the ass and makes you feel like an idiot when it happens like you should know better it just happens again and again over and over wow that's annoying the worst game mechanic is losing your head literally losing your head this happens when either a bomb blows up near you or you smash into a wall while going too fast this sucks ass because it reverses the controls and they don't go back to normal until you find a spare head sometimes you can find the spare heads easily and other times you might spend most the level in reversed mode i end up getting used to the backward controls and not to mention the second you pick up the spare head the controls immediately change back you'll do an about face into an enemy's [ __ ] or off a goddamn cliff and for shit's sake don't ever get the rocket while headless you finally reach this annoying puzzle where you have to flip switches as spin make a mistake or take too long and you have to start the sequence over and over the problem is the little bounce spin does when he lands from a jump it messes with my timing and i start scrambling the next level is the docks it looks like a shitty version of the airship level in mario 3 but it's completely [ __ ] it's a triple decker of platforms and long paths seagulls drop bombs that take your head off so you're going to be battling the backwards controls plus an endless supply of enemies and pitfalls it's merciless next up is this boss with a peg leg that pegs you with steering wheels and wait i thought the steering wheels were an item that made you invincible damn liars eventually the boss commits suicide and you save daryl who looks exactly the same as you seriously they just did a recolor wow this game sure cuts a lot of corners yeah you get it pretty [ __ ] funny huh the car wreckers level which introduces enemies who have decoy traffic cone pickups as much as i hate to admit it this tricked me pretty good the first time i wasn't even mad it's a good trick but of course it's one of those enemies that launches you back too the level is a maze with a ton of cheap repeating beginners traps next the junkyard this level can suck my tailpipe it's filled with fast flying bombs that take your head off they're all over these spike pits too trying to get to the top and jump over the barrier is a [ __ ] chore just look at this [ __ ] i'm flying all over the place fantastic an underground area filled with pits and enemies that of course send you flying back they made sure to incorporate all the most annoying aspects of this game into the final level the final boss fight is junk man you have to dodge his tire gun and shoot him a few times to stun him then make your way to a switch at the top of the stage to lift up and drop a weight on him it's kind of fun and it's at least better than the other boss fights once you beat him spin stands over the corpse of junkman and says what's the matter junk man did your mom drop you on your head okay then you launch your friend through a wall make a final shitty joke and that's it overall crash test dummies is just another turn on the ljn [ __ ] mound and since it was based on a psa i guess would be the same as making a game based on an airline safety pamphlet pretty dumb idea for a game based on dummies and the song by crash test dummies was in the movie dumb and dumber which also had the song crash by the primitives hmm crash test dumb and dumber dummies there must be a connection in the movie there's a headless parrot just like the headless dummy in the game and what's the goal the direction the meaning of the whole trip they go to aspen aspen that's the direction the meaning of the whole thing the game is ass and when lloyd gives harry the laxative so he takes a massive diarrhea dump in a toilet that won't flush that's the same as ljn giving us the ultimate laxative this game the diarrhea represents the traumatic experience of playing the game and the broken toilet is your broken childhood forever filled with [ __ ] but now it's time to crash this game [Music] [Music] is [Music] is when i'm here these games are through laughing joking no nuts are so screwed oh yes [Music] [Music] he's gonna take you back to the past to play the shitty games and suck ass he'd rather have a buffalo [Music] it's the angriest gamer you've ever heard he's the angry nintendo nerd he's the angry atari he's the angry video gamer if you've ever been to an arcade you've probably played capcom's premier brawler final fight it's a downright classic choosing your favorite character and then laying waste to the dregs of metro city was a rite of passage for all those who had stepped into the hollowed halls of the local video arcade while today capcom is more known for its overabundance of street fighter and resident evil sequels back then they were revolutionizing the beat em up genre they took what double dragon and renegade had started and sought to improve and innovate while bimi and jimmy were basically just pallet swaps guy cody and hagar were three unique fighters with different move sets and styles the gameplay was satisfying the sound of the hits was bone rattling and the music was simply badass also what other game lets you play as a hulking pro wrestling mayor beating his own citizens into submission the answer is final goddamn fight of course contrary to the name it wasn't the final final fight there were sequels and spin-offs out the ass many members of the final fight cast would even go on to become mainstays in the street fighter franchise guy and cody appeared back in the alpha series along with sodom and rolento later on others such as andor also known as hugo poison and abigail would square up in the iconic torment fighter so when the holy name of [ __ ] happened a final fight capcom jizzes out tons of street fighters and resident evils all the time but why aren't we getting any new final fight games was it actually final i mean even streets of rage a game that was meant to be a competitor to final fight is actually still going strong with a fourth title just released well here i have the two final fight games that any fan of final fight will tell you [ __ ] the franchise into oblivion they were released just over six years apart and were created by the same developer capcom usa also known as capcom studio 8. so here we have final fight revenge for the sega saturn and final fight streetwise for playstation 2. we'll start with final fight revenge now you'll notice by the jewel case that this is a japan only release so it comes in a regular cd jewel case instead of the gargantuan american saturn case the great thing about the saturn is you don't need to mod it to play japanese games all you need is one of these things an action replay now i know the review is about final fight games but bear with me a minute i got to talk about this graphic design the box pissed me off so much i had to research fonts the sticker on the actual cartridge itself is using bauhaus mdbt but the logo on the box is aerial black and on the bottom they use algerian but that's not all when you turn the son of a [ __ ] over they commit the ultimate graphic design sin they used mother [ __ ] comic sans at least it's not papyrus or papyrus sans oh make it stop it's hideous i don't want to look at it anymore i'd rather huff a doggy bag full of bison turds and i'm talking m bison okay let's play the game final fight revenge is the only game in the series that's an actual tournament fighter probably because it's real lousy the game just has a stiff and almost unresponsive feel at times especially compared to any of the street fighter games honestly this one ranks down there with street fighter the movie the game and i'm talking the arcade version that being said the game is actually pretty cool if you're a fan of the final fight series it's got most of the characters from the game only missing a couple of bosses and minor enemies the graphics are colorful and vibrant and the gameplay itself is interesting you're already dead it focuses less on the technical side and more on all out brawling levels are littered with weapons you can pick up and use against your opponent like guns knives pipes and even bazookas it took me a minute to figure out how to pick them up though but with a little practice i was actually kicking ass now i'm no expert when it comes to fighting games but maybe that's what i enjoy about this it's silly and fun while still offering a challenge but you want to see some weird [ __ ] don't you check this out the special moves are some of the weirdest i've seen in a fighting game even the ones that make sense are still really weird guy hits you with an explosion then the perspective changes and he whips shurikens at the opponent while they try to run away i've never seen something like this before in a tournament fighter where the perspective shifts to behind the player it's used a lot too rolento chases you down with the helicopter and eddie e turns into a police car and tries to run you down haggar's took me a good minute to figure out i had no idea what the hell was happening at first hager just hugs the air and nothing happens it turns out that it only works if your enemy does a jump kick towards you [Applause] like i said i'm not an expert in fighting games sometimes i have trouble pulling off a hot dukin but this is like two hot dukens in a row then kick and your enemy has to be jump kicking oh and don't get me started on hagar's second special move because you have to rotate the d-pad in a 360 motion twice he might as well not even have a special the one special move that makes absolutely no sense to me is poisons she blows a kiss at you which then causes a bunch of pictures to flash on the screen they're all really suggestive photos of her too she's licking a popsicle posing all sexy and [ __ ] i don't get how this would hurt you i mean i understand shooting shurikens at someone or chasing them down in an attack helicopter but how the [ __ ] is blowing a kiss then flashing sexy pictures supposed to hurt someone also if you pull this attack off as the final blow she dances on a stripper pole again how does this hurt you basically just battle your way through every fighter until you get to belgium or belgium or whatever the final boss from the original final fight only this time he stopped living and became a crazy mixed up zombie he can stretch out like dawson and even lose limbs as you're fighting him it's by far the weirdest thing up until this point that is until the credits when he does the [ __ ] thriller dance yeah so that's final fight revenge uh overall it makes my bowels bubble i mean not spray diarrhea or anything like that just a you know wet fart this game is pretty rare and fetches a pretty high price and it's honestly just not worth it to me you'd either have to be a final fight mega fan to pay money for this or be somebody who's addicted to buying [ __ ] and have no concept in the value of money you have to be a total loser thanks matt mcmuscles for sending me your copy oh here we go time for final fight streetwise the final nail in final fight's coffin finally so here's a question for you did you ever drink a bunch of blue powerade and then take a bright green [ __ ] if so that's basically this game's entire color palette everywhere you look are shades of [ __ ] barf and piss everything is covered in a dense fog like somebody wiped their ass all over the camera lens i honestly can't tell if you're supposed to be in metro city or purgatory it reminds me of spawn the eternal for the playstation and doesn't really look that much better and mind you this game came out in 2006. that's right take a long look at this and realize this game came out the same year the ps3 debuted the gameplay is a mixture of running around aimlessly mashing buttons and trying to suppress the burning urge to turn the ps2 off and chuck it through your neighbor's window you play as a guy named kyle who's the roided up douchebag brother of cody from the original final fight pretty much what happens is your brother cody gets kidnapped by a guy named the stiff and you have to get him back on the way you have to complete fetch quests and play a bunch of stupid mini games these offer you money which you can use to buy new moves but all they really do is grind the game to a halt you can play the world's most boring game of darts three three-card monty and even a shooting gallery with rubber ducks that make chicken noises for some reason one of the most frequent mini-games is destroying cars this is kind of like an homage to the mini-game in the original final fight and street fighter 2 but it happens a lot what's wrong with these people i mean imagine walking down the street and all of a sudden somebody comes up to you and says hey i'll give you 200 bucks to destroy this person's car that'd be pretty awesome actually the game tries insanely hard to be edgy at every possible second there's a sign here for blue ball video come get some oh man if i played this back when i was 15 i'm sure i'd have given that a chuckle but i've matured since then and moved on to [ __ ] jokes also check out this billboard for slipknot it's kinda random but [ __ ] awesome the game is filled with sexual references that aged like fine heavy cream behind a radiator especially when you get to the porn theater i tried running around punching the dudes sitting in the theater but it didn't work unfortunately imagine that watching a porn movie with your half chub and a dude runs over and clocks you in the [ __ ] jaw uncool man another weird thing about this theater is the music it was driving me insane because i could have sworn i heard it somewhere then i realized it's all made with apple garageband music loops just listen also when you interrogate the boss here the music is the same as the ending theme to america's court with judge kevin ross don't ask me how i know that the game boils down to run here talk to that guy run there fight that guy run back here talk to and fight that guy and then fight a boss rinse and repeat it's monotonous and gives me some serious life of black tiger vibes eventually you start fighting zombies or some [ __ ] and get to meet up with former mayor mike hagar like three hours into the game which is cool i guess honestly if it weren't for him showing up i think i would have forgotten i was playing a final fight game i can see why this was the final final fight so here i'm going to help this cop find some gun runners or some [ __ ] i find the first guy give him a good stabbing and the game crashed yeah whatever i'll just reset and load my game it didn't auto save silly me i mean why why would i assume that i mean a game that came out in 2006 when uh xbox 360 wii and ps3 were all already out i mean why would i assume that this game would auto save excuse me for just one minute hello hey is this the angry video game nerd yeah who the [ __ ] is this magnetic muscles i didn't order any muscles who is this the guy you stole final fight revenge from in portland you mean borrowed final fight revenge from in portland i agree to disagree so judging by the shifting tectonic activity in my area and the loud echoing of [ __ ] we heard throughout canada i'm guessing you assumed final fight streetwise would not lie to you about its save feature not only does it not auto save it only saves after certain missions have been finished it's it's a whole stupid thing you lost all your progress right sure did wow matt you hit the nail on the head if only i knew some magnum dong loser who played this game an ungodly amount of times and could fill me in on anything i missed that would be worth mentioning well lucky for you i'm a magnum dong loser let me break it down for ya after meeting up with mayor mustache and killing the stiff kyle eventually finds his way to guy who is now the crime boss who runs metro city's japan town he sicks a crazy tattoo artist on you whose ass you kick and then everyone just becomes friends meanwhile other criminals from italian town decide to burn down guy's house with you in it it's a horrible escape mission with a time limit that doesn't [ __ ] around after that some generic edgelord called blades starts pestering you because he's the new bad guy i guess and then suddenly cody appears remember him who's now become a drug zombie because he injected himself with the t virus from resident evil also seems like blades is not the new bad guy but is instead working for the only priest metro city has you then kill blades only for the stiff to show up again who's now a weird monster that eats rats see kyle finds a secret umbrella lab deep underground where someone is resurrecting all the defeated bosses so you'll fight zombie monster blades again the porn theater guy shows back up and they're all named after the four horsemen of the apocalypse because subtlety also don't forget this 10 tub of [ __ ] right here gross while that [ __ ] is happening the city is being ripped apart by all the other drug zombies and haggard doesn't even care anymore he just leaves the game by this point so it's up to kyle to have the frustrating and tedious final fight against two bosses at the same time on top of a church and it's the worst thing ever well thanks matt i'll always remember you great uh so hey do you like need my address so you can ship my game back or something it's really exp well that settles it all right first one to get [ __ ] up is final fight streetwise and since it's written in a graffiti font let's do it graffiti style and i'll even use the game's own barf [ __ ] piss [Music] [Applause] palette [Music] so [Music] and you final fight revenge i will spare you a spray painting and instead condemn you to a long and drawn out process of sega saturn disk rot you will forever be placed in a dark corner in the nerd room where the chemicals in your plastic degrade and you slowly wither [Music] so mission impossible it was a tv show back in the 60s it was part of the spy fiction craze back then yeah james bond the man from uncle the avengers the saint and agent for harm however mission impossible stood out it featured great actors like peter graves martin landau leonard nimoy and many more they worked for the imf or impossible mission force dumb name the cool concept a team going on dangerous and daring missions together it pioneered a few tropes like an audio recording of secret assignments that would explode after listening to them it coined the term self-destruct you can see it spoofed in inspector gadget mission impossible ran for seven seasons came back for a bit in the 80s and then became a successful movie franchise in the 90s that's still running to this day they star the one and only tom cruise as agent ethan hunt i just had to get the soundtrack from the second movie it has metallica rob zombie the butthole surfers well anyway we're gonna listen to this on the best cd player ever the playstation one hello nerd the bad games force is in need of your help we fear the increased output of mission impossible movies will lead people to play the shitty games inspired by the series your mission should you choose to accept it is to review mission impossible for the nintendo 64. good luck this message will self-destruct in three seconds oh wait that's not enough time uh you know i'm cool with reviewing bad games but you know how long it takes to get the smell of explosives out of futon cushions dicks okay so there's only been a handful of mission impossible games the first was made by konami for the nes in 1990 and was based on the second tv series and then there was impossible mission two which is a totally different thing [Music] the last game to be released was operation serma in 2003 which was an original story but kinda had characters from the movies in it it's weird because the movies did pretty well i thought so it would only make sense that there would be a video game tie-in but the first one we really got was in 98 on the nintendo 64 which was a few years after the movie came out and you know would you think that they'd release the game the same year as the movie to get the most hype then again goldeneye 64 came out two years after the film and that game was very well loved so maybe both game companies took extra time to focus on quality oh never mind it's from ocean the same company that pissed out water world on the virtual boy i've heard this game was a horror to make it was originally meant to be a pc game there was a corporate buyout of ocean and then different programmers took over and that's the kind of [ __ ] show that leads to a [ __ ] game [Music] well they got the theme song down so that's good but who are these people that guy looks nothing like tom cruise and these other imf characters weren't even in the movie and the character jim phelps looks more like peter graves from the tv show and less like jon voight who actually played him in the movie ok let me explain peter graves played jim phelps in the original show and he was basically the main character and director of the imf but graves refused to be in the movie because they changed his character into a bad guy so that tom cruise has someone to fight so in the end they replaced him with jon voight who looks nothing like his in-game character and if you look at the cover to the game it's so generic don't you think they put a big picture of tom cruise's face on there just like they did with pierce brosnan and goldeneye so the gameplay i was under the impression it was going to be like a golden eye clone but it's not you can't go in all guns blazing each level is set up like a stealth mission from the shows and movies you have to do things like knock people out take their identity sabotage equipment fake documents frame other people etc etc classic spy stuff what the game is trying to do is actually pretty advanced for the time i haven't played the hitman games but this sounds a lot like them except this one will be more like [ __ ] man so ocean tried to innovate in many ways wait what's the opposite of innovate devinate regress uh i don't know the controls are whatever that is their ass backwards if you have to hit a control panel or something you'd better be standing in the right spot or else you'll just jump up and down like a kanga [ __ ] roo you ever try to pick something up but jump instead don't you hate it when that happens there's a few moments in the game where jumping is important and the controls will do everything to mess things up for you this stage has an electric floor the red squares are where you'll get hit you'll have to memorize which ones are red because they'll fade back to blue and confuse you i'll try to jump onto the blue squares but no matter how well i aim it up there's still a chance i'll land on the red and get fried or shot there's a stage later in the game where you have to jump over a wall of lasers it took me forever to find the right point i was supposed to jump from i kept hitting the wall over and over again [ __ ] when i did manage to jump over the wall i fell and took damage there's no way to avoid it who designed this [ __ ] if you're even a little bit familiar with mission impossible you know that gadgets are a big part of it and this game made sure to deliver on the gadgets a few are actually from the movie like the face maker which creates a mask of other people's faces so you can disguise yourself as them and then there's the exploding red and green gum and last but not least a small mobile device that sends you messages in the form of text wow imagine a world where you can send a text message to a device that can fit inside your pocket there's 15 different gadgets but occasionally you do have to use one of the 16 weapons to complete a mission and this is where the game really goes to [ __ ] the gun controls are grade a ass the box says it has interchangeable third and first person viewpoints but that's not the case it goes from third person to closer third person you have to go this closer mode in order to kill anyone successfully shooting without manually aiming is a waste of time the problem is when you manually aim you can only move your body left and right to avoid getting shot your character is so slow and takes forever to aim sometimes i get a head shot lined up and then the enemy kneels so i have to aim again it's pretty funny when you manage to shoot someone in this game because ethan will randomly shout out lines like rocksteady got him and for some reason his voice changes to an old man when he says way to go whenever possible you want to do a head shot for two reasons first the ammo is super scarce and one shot to the head will take an enemy out second head shots cause the bad guys to do back flips and it's hilarious back to the objectives the game gives you a little radar that lets you know where each objective is with a red white or green dot unfortunately it doesn't tell you which dot is which objective sometimes it's not an issue because some objectives can be done out of order but sometimes i'll do something too early and ruin the entire mission oh go figure there's no checkpoints or saves if you die or mess up you have to start the mission from the beginning of the level i think the dumbest mission in the game is when you're in the warehouse in russia you have to blow up some equipment and look for an exit the first obstacle you encounter is this wall of boxes full of toxic gas so what do you do well obviously you shoot them and fill the room with poison after this you have to find health and eventually get a hazmat suit and the whole time you shoot more boxes full of poison and explosives why doesn't he just pick up the boxes and move them ethan hunt can climb the tallest building in the world hang on to the side of a plane that's taking off and scale a mountain with his bare hands but picking up a crate is just too hard it's literally impossible for him there's also a few levels that turn out to be one long escort mission you know where you gotta get a character from point a to point b it's infuriating this girl candice is constantly getting killed or arrested it's almost as bad as having to walk around with lois lane in superman 64. why do so many games do this has anyone ever enjoyed an escort mission as said before the game doesn't resemble the movie very much unlike goldeneye it does its own thing until the midway point where it suddenly remembers it's based on a movie ethan gets framed and is accused of being a mole who leaked secret identities of imf agents using a stolen data file so he's forced to break into cia headquarters to get the other half of that list for reasons but all you need to know is the game has that famous scene where he breaks into the high-tech vault and suspends down on ropes you know you've seen countless parodies of that scene yet instead of being suspenseful and exciting this scene in the game is just infuriating but the room is filled with lasers you have to avoid how do you avoid them by swinging around like an idiot of course look at this [ __ ] swinging around the room imagine if this happened in the film it looks like some battle toad's [ __ ] this part takes forever you have to constantly move the camera and rely on the awful controls to swing around the lasers i lost count of how many times i tripped an alarm or face planted you eventually meet the arms dealer max and i love how the background characters are so poorly programmed that they actually walk through the main characters in the cut scene in this level you have to snipe enemies trying to kill ethan the sniper you play as is the character luther from the films here's what he looked like in the movie and here's what he looks like in the game i'm starting to wonder if the people who made this even seen the movie so you find out phelps is the mole and have to kill him this could be fun but ethan moves like a mile an hour on top of this train the whole time you're chasing him you gotta shoot bad guys and blow up cars and helicopters with rocket launchers that's a fun idea for a level but this game finds a way to make it boring as [ __ ] they add a bonus mission at the end where you return to the base from the first mission it's more the same except for the final level where you're on a gun boat blowing up the entire base feels like it was from a completely different game and they just shoehorned it in so is the game done no they throw something after the credits you return to another previous level and can talk to people standing around they're all the people who made this game you can ask their names and what they do or you can punch them in the face be careful though because they'll gang up on you the game programmers are kicking my ass [Music] well that's mission impossible 64. to be fair the programmers had some good ideas that just didn't pan out well but kicking my ass was the best idea a year after the game was released the playstation version came out it has more cut scenes looks a lot cleaner has better sounding music and has even more uh voice acting if you can call it that oh you're the movie star from hollywood sorry you must be mistaken phelps so you're the mole you rat sorry my friend i have a train to catch goodbye from what i can tell it's just a more polished version of the same shitty game i'd play it too but my playstation is you know blown up so i say do not accept the mission of playing this horrible game and disavow all knowledge of its existence and i do find it really shitty that the ethan hunt character in the game looks nothing like tom cruise but i mean let's be honest [Music] how can anyone copy a face as perfect as mine yeah it's me tom cruise and yeah i've been the angry video game nerd the entire time see the nerd room back here yeah all the green screen it's fake hollywood magic remember the abgm power glove episode yeah that was me landing the plane in top gun oh remember the movie top gun that was also me landing the actual plane playing the nerd has been my biggest acting mission so mission accomplished this episode will self-destruct in five seconds did i mention i do my own stunts [Music] [Music] he's gonna take you back to the past to play some shitty games and suck ass he'd rather he's angry video game now let me take you back to the era of video game mascots it was during the console wars when competitors were pushing their own characters nintendo had mario link samus and sega had sonic toe jam and earl [Music] echo the dolphin yeah that's right an ordinary looking dolphin not a skateboarding dolphin with a mohawk that shoots lasers and makes wise cracking jokes no no just an ordinary dolphin it seemed pretty much everyone who had a genesis had this game in their collection yet nobody wanted it seriously i've never met one person who said anything nice about this game but it somehow tricked every genesis owner into buying it and sega really pushed the [ __ ] out of it too it got ported onto different sega consoles including the sega cd they got a better sequel tides of time it got a toddler edition called echo junior it got a shitty tiger-style electronic game it got this peak of [ __ ] and even got a goddamn reboot on the sega dreamcast speaking of which the dreamcast is 21 years old this month wow the dream cast is old enough to drink so here you go dreamcast have a rolling rock on me hmm what a lightweight today i want to focus on the original echo the dolphin but a review on the shitty dreamcast might show up down the line with its awful dolphin driving controls and creepy rear view face cam like echo as a [ __ ] car echo face cam's funny as [ __ ] but here we go the game starts you off just swimming around with a bunch of other dolphins you can do a dash attack you can shoot a sonar wave that lets you talk to the other dolphins and also works as a map if you hold the button down the opening is pretty straightforward you're just chilling out in the sea with your dolphin friends and then bam you get hit with one of the most traumatizing moments in video gaming history seriously that [ __ ] just came out of nowhere when you jump as high as you can it triggers a tornado the screen flashes and every one of your [ __ ] dolphin friends gets sucked into the air while the genesis sound chip bombards you with the worst sound it has to offer no joke i actually know someone who as a kid was so freaked out by this part they hid it under their bed and under their bed it remained for years true story this might be one of the earliest examples of a video game jump scare this was back in 92 when most people playing video games were kids this game might have done more damage to kids minds than mortal kombat who would have thought a game about a wimpy dolphin with stars on its head will be one of the most terrifying things ever if you manage to play past this point you'll hit the first true level of the game the undercaves and this is where [ __ ] really hits the fan and you're introduced to one of the most annoying things in the game the air meter echo is a dolphin so that makes him a mammal of course and mammals ain't fish so they can't breathe underwater i've read in zoo books that the average dolphin can hold its breath for eight to ten minutes but the dolphin in this game one minute 20 seconds and not only that it [ __ ] dies pathetic really [ __ ] pathetic echo is not supposed to be your average dolphin he's a super dolphin why can he only hold his breath for a minute and a half i think i can hold my breath longer is he a goddamn chain smoker or something chill out on the [ __ ] new ports echo you can replenish the air meter by reaching the surface finding air pockets or places with bubbles a majority of the levels take you deep under the ocean and you only get a few places for air it's like the underwater stages in sonic but way more frustrating each level gives you a laundry list of chores to complete with no clear direction and zero checkpoints the air meter makes you rush which causes you to make mistakes and of course die so the game boils down to just swimming around for 20 minutes here and there and trying to figure out where to go and dying over and over again it's an under the sea frustrating [ __ ] frenzy so in the first level you have to nudge this glowing shell over to these boulders which makes them disappear i don't get why but apparently this seashell is so strong it disintegrates boulders this is a lot easier said than done echo controls like he's swimming in vodka rather than salt water every time i miss the goddamn rocks i have to swim a quarter mile away to make the shell reappear all that just to completely [ __ ] it up yet again and then you gotta repeat the process over and over and over [ __ ] come on come on come on [ __ ] i don't know how many tries it took me but it was a lot and then after all that i found out i needed a key glyph you see there's these giant crystals all over the levels some are keys and some are like doors you need to touch the key crystal so you can shoot the door crystal it makes me want to shoot a meth crystal into ecco's ass flipper so i swam around until i found the key glyph crystal in this cave and it really sucks to get to there's invisible sea currents in random places so the controls will just go dead without any clear reason why all the while blowfish are flying all over trying to insert themselves into ekko's anus while he just floats there like a jackass i get the key shoot away the door but i'm running low on air so i gotta turn back to the air pocket real quick to catch my breath before moving forward and the door cliff re-fucking spawned and won't let me pass are you kidding me i have to go all the way back to the key again oh the c is a cruel mistress so i go all the way back get the key glyph shoot the door and then encounter the giant octopus you have to gently tap the controller to get past it if you try to go any faster the octopus will [ __ ] slap you back to the password screen which means doing everything over again so get the key glyph disintegrate the rocks shoot the door glyph breathe that [ __ ] air and swim slowly past the octopus again okay oh i'm almost there you just gotta get past the door [ __ ] i'm running out of air yep okay no the level isn't actually that hard it's just a complete lack of direction that keeps messing me up i'm finally through the undercaves and on to the next [ __ ] storm the next level has you rescuing dolphins that are stuck throughout the caves there's three dolphins you need to find to exit the stage also you 100 need to find them all so you can upgrade your sonar and it'll let you attack enemies with it i saved one dolphin and then accidentally exited the level since it let me progress i didn't think anything was wrong until i found out you need to find all three or you don't get the sonar upgrade so i have to reset enter the password and find all three of these stupid [ __ ] dolphins there's always an easy dolphin that's right near the beginning it's just a tease though because usually you have to go damn near to hell and back to find the other two dolphins you need to use boulders to swim down into the tunnels without getting pushed back up the current and then hopefully pick the right path most the paths lead absolutely nowhere and you end up having to return to the surface just to head back down again i finally found two dolphins and just need one more the last one is all the way near the end of the level so you need a rock to block the currents oh [ __ ] i missed wait no oh god damn it the current pushed me out the exit so i missed the sonar upgrade again i have to do everything all over again again again then again after repeating this level so many goddamn times i basically have it memorized you end up dying and starting over so many times that it becomes muscle memory and after all that i finally saved the third dolphin got the sonar upgrade and got to the next level which is rescuing three more dolphins [Music] oh oh so now that i've gotten that out of my system this level is like the last one but way worse again there's a dolphin right at the beginning to tease you i really don't get why this dolphin couldn't just swim up it's literally just straight down from the beginning this dolphin's just a lazy piece of [ __ ] and i hate him the second dolphin is also kind of easy to get to but i can understand why it would need help getting back it's a bit far off from the rest of the pod this dolphin is okay in my book this level has you using the glowing shell again but this time it just falls into place without you having to nudge it i guess the game coders decided to have a little mercy on you here considering the last dolphin is a [ __ ] and a half to find first you have to swim through this tunnel filled with these weird tentacles that grab onto you you have to do a mix of dashing and swimming real fast to get out all the while the game slows down to a crawl and up to this point it was so [ __ ] fast i mean that processing is so goddamn blast so then you have to swim past another octopus and find these weird spiky balls that break rocks they're like the shell but they're spiky balls instead to get them to the rock you have to scoot them around using your sonar this is super [ __ ] frustrating it isn't always clear on where you need to position them and it's very easy to get them stuck in the wall i guess you could say this game is really balls to the wall like look at this i got them all the way the boulder but i was off by an inch and now they're stuck in the rocks and i'm [ __ ] so you know what i gotta do i gotta go back and do it all again this time i got them in the right place and broke the boulder but i went the wrong way and ended up back at the beginning of the level so time to swim back through the tunnel of tentacles and pass the octopus thankfully the boulder's still gone oh great a [ __ ] door glyph and i haven't found the key the key is all the way back where the second dolphin was back to the door glyph i shoot it away and move on to a maze of tunnels that are infested with jellyfish and crabs that just fly all over the place but they're not really crabs they're just flat pictures of crabs that don't even move but they're flying all over bull [ __ ] so finally i get down to the furthest depths of the maze and there he is the [ __ ] dolphin how the [ __ ] did this dolphin match even get here that makes absolutely no sense how in the crap hell did this this suck [ __ ] dolphin get down here how did it pass the octopus tentacles crabs and jellyfish without dying did it also shoot the spiky walls into the boulder and then put the boulder back how is it even alive echo dies after a minute and a half without oxygen but i've been playing this level for almost 20 minutes and this dolphin hasn't died okay who cares all that matters is i've rescued the last one and they gave me another new sonar upgrade that makes sharks confused awesome time to get the hell out of this godforsaken level and never return so back through the tentacle tunnel the octopus room the crab maze and i'm finally nearing the end oh and great i'm dangerously low on health and air please for the love of [ __ ] i just want this to end please okay i got the spiky things just have to get them to the end and i'm out huh [ __ ] off crab [ __ ] you [ __ ] you [ __ ] you [ __ ] you damn it wait where are the spiky things [ __ ] this game shoots diarrhea at its festering blowhole raiding down on all the aquatic ass masters in the atlantic ocean i swear on poseidon's puckered pisshole that this game's making me want to cram a crusty crab up my cornhole echo the dolphin more like [ __ ] [ __ ] [Music] dolphins he's gonna take you back to play the shitty games he's the angriest gamer you've ever [Music] heard [Music] first of all i just want to say happy halloween sorry we can't have a big epic special this year hope you're all staying safe i'm locked down the nerd room my bunker of ass and aardvark farts about to play another game that's a steaming pile of [ __ ] like the steam is the smell visualized so today we have countdown vampires count down to me losing my [ __ ] this game was shout out by bandai to capitalize on the survival horror craze back on the original playstation if you consider games like resident evil and silent hill to be the street fighter and mortal kombat of the horror worlds will then count down vampires as the time killers actually that's kind of mean towards time killers this is more like the shadow war of succession of horror games countdown vampires is often considered to be a clone of resident evil yeah if they cloned it from piss [ __ ] and vomit with barely any trace of usable dna i mean this game is a [ __ ] malformed mistake of a doppelganger that should be destroyed with fire the game takes everything resident evil does right and [ __ ] it up royally this is a game people should have been fired for surprisingly though they weren't the developer a company called k2 went on to relative success after making this as a matter of fact in may 2008 they became part of capcom and even helped develop get this resident evil 5. man i didn't realize how accurate i was comparing this to time killers it's almost an exact parallel if you remember from the mortal kombat rip-offs episode incredible technologies the developer of time killers got hired by capcom to develop street fighter the movie the game now k2 a company that developed a [ __ ] resident evil rip-off went on to actually work on resident evil once again capcom hired a company that made knockoffs of their games to work on the games they were knocking off what were they thinking so that's the whole story but now let me actually play the game and show you why it sucks so oh [ __ ] i forgot my playstation got self-destructed hmm [Music] well i'll be [ __ ] damned it works alright let's start counting down vampires one thing that flabbergasts my ass is that this game takes up three goddamn memory card slots i have no idea why but luckily i have the perfect memory card for it the first thing you do in the game is enter a name and blood type i went with type a b for astral bastard then we get this fmv cut scene which is playstation as [ __ ] it tries really hard to look cool and introduces us to the main character mark mcgrath from the band sugar ray now just kidding he's a generic douchebag named keith j snyder he's sent to guard a movie director at this horror themed casino according to a file you get in the game keith apparently murdered another detective so to punish him they sent him to work security at a casino how the [ __ ] does that make sense a murderer somebody who murdered people murdered a detective and he doesn't go to prison he becomes a security guard at a casino wow the intro cut scene is all over the place it introduces a bunch of characters that never come back in the game literally none of these people are in the game except for the security guard and this waitress and the security guard just shows up dead one [ __ ] minute into the game so pay no attention to this weird swat team guy the movie director the woman in the red dress and this gray cat that they show for some reason i like the cat though after a montage of edgy late 90s [ __ ] a couple strippers turn into vampires it's kind of like from dusk till dawn but more like dusk till diarrhea all hell breaks loose and this one guy just falls trying to go up some stairs it's pretty hilarious then one of the stripper vampires falls into a pool of jizz or something and turns back to normal this white water turns him back to normal she's still [ __ ] dead but now she's a dead normal person and not a vampire so yeah in this game the vampire's weakness is not holy water it's white water yes if you ever get chased by some vampires just hop on a river raft and go down some rapids that'll stop those blood sucking [ __ ] you can shoot vampires with a dart gun and then sprinkle the water to change them back but there's no reason especially when you start finding actual guns the manual says you get a bonus but it's a dirty lie just kill them all so like i said the game is a total rip-off of resident evil right down to the awful tank controls and shitty camera angles it's giving me flashbacks of the crow not that [ __ ] crow the game one thing resident evil is known for is the ending countdown pretty much every resident evil game ends with a countdown timer or time self-destruct well let me tell you countdown vampires doesn't just end on a countdown it starts with a countdown yeah no joke and that's not all there's another countdown in the middle of the game too there's even a puzzle that has two more countdowns they really went batshit bonkers with these countdowns so they got the countdown part but what about the vampires well it's got giant praying mantises werewolves lizard monsters purple goo monsters that shoot bubbles giant bugs that shoot bubbles three witches and giant batmen not to be confused with batman the alleged vampires are really closer to zombies they're also the most non-intimidating vampires possible all they do is walk around like they're holding in a huge [ __ ] and try to punch you once in a while they'll bite but most the time they just try to uppercut you and make burping sounds technically they're vampires but they're the worst vampires i've ever seen so yeah the game's got vampires so they basically just name the game after two things that are in it countdowns and vampires by that logic they should have called the game [ __ ] graphics [ __ ] voice acting barry i've talked about how bad the voice acting is in the original resident evil before any clues no but something's wrong with this house whoa this hall is dangerous but that pales in comparison to the voice acting and countdown vampires this game makes the dialogue in the original resident evil look like [ __ ] tarantino misato i'm going to take a look up ahead you stay here i'm scared to be alone keith you've got to stay here what's the matter [Music] hey what's going on [Music] settle down hey calm down the main character's voice really doesn't match his look at all so anyway back to the game the first thing that happens is a countdown timer starts and you have three minutes to get out of this area there's a couple zombies sorry vampires walking around like morons they can't even follow you up the stairs they just walk around in circles the enemies in this game have some of the worst ai i've ever seen in any video game it can't even be considered artificial intelligence more like genuine stupidity look at this [ __ ] these two zombie things walk into each other and then get stuck then two more walk over and they get stuck too this isn't even a glitch or anything it's just the way they were programmed the game has you running from one end of the map to another finding keys ammo and files that are riddled with spelling errors thank again with much gratitude did anyone proofread this [ __ ] there's a lot of words missing spaces like mystical strength and bepouring even one of the weapons is misspelled in the menu the stun glove is called the stun globe how do you misspell one of the first items you get in the game my favorite is when you find the secret elevator in the stripper pole and it says there's an elevator but it doesn't to turn on the power i don't even know what it's trying to say the game seems padded out with barely any content there's rooms that are completely pointless like here where it has you climb down a ladder just to run a few feet and climb back up another ladder why not just make it one long walkway there's also rooms that'll be locked only for the key to be right in the next room why even do that just make the [ __ ] door unlocked what was the point of having me go one [ __ ] room over just to get a key that adds nothing to the game i haven't talked much about the plot but that's because there isn't much plot there's a prophecy about some guy named gels who will be resurrected and then there's this weird man in black following you and then there's this girl named masato every time you come across her the main character tries to ditch her misato i'm going to take a look up ahead you stay here how's your ankle doing it it hurts a bit but i can walk it's no good wait here i will be back promise get in the trunk of the car it's safer there than anywhere else it's like he wants nothing to do with her but she's the only character in the game other than you and the man in black one thing i completely forgot about is this game is actually two discs halfway through the game you fight the first boss and at first i thought it was the final boss and that i could finally go on with my life and stop wasting it playing this but no i had an entire [ __ ] disc left and the entire second portion is the same exact thing as the first run here get a key run back there use the key and get another one that opens a different door back where you came from rinse and repeat it's more fun to run to the store and go grocery shopping and then come back home and realize you forgot something than playing this [ __ ] [ __ ] and to be honest running real life errands is more challenging than any part of this game right here i'm at the end of the game and look at all the items i have i counted and all together i have 834 bullets across 8 different guns and i'm on the final boss it's not like i've been saving my ammo i've killed almost every enemy you might think i'm playing on easy or something but no i'm on normal mode the only difference is that in easy mode the vampire zombies hop around like frogs that's it another thing i didn't die once the entire game i'm dead [ __ ] serious the only time i did actually die was when i tried to die to see what would happen and it's as dumb as you'd expect just look at this the final boss or bosses are these three witches that float around and laugh they shoot hot dukens and triangles and [ __ ] but it's pretty easy to beat them oh and the ending cut scene is possibly the worst on the playstation it's master chew and the drunker who levels of [ __ ] but what are they real vampires misato you mean you never heard of gals gals is the emperor of darkness what keith i'm just kidding yeah that's it that's the best ending you can get there's absolutely zero reason to play this game it came out almost a full [ __ ] year after resident evil 3 and two months before the playstation 2. if you thought this was an early release playstation game i don't blame you but no this came out in the year 2000 this was like a fart coming from the decayed corpse colon of the original playstation looks like if ass could make a video game one more thing i want to mention there's a second story mode you can unlock if you beat the game in under 8 hours unfortunately i was too slow and wasted 9 hours and 37 minutes of my life on this festering [ __ ] heap and the last thing i want to do on halloween is spend another eight hours playing countdown vampires i'd rather get jerked off by a jellyfish while i eat a platypus [ __ ] i mean actually eat the negative space of its anus so [ __ ] this game die monster you don't belong in this world [Music] [Music] he's gonna take you back to the past [Music] to play the shitty games and suck ass he'd rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear he'd rather eat the rotten [ __ ] of a rope killed and down it would be [Music] video game nerd oh yeah oh yeah guess what then then toasters have been fixed thank you very much so now i can play those crappy games with toasty warmth goodness and now it even has hdmi so those 8-bit pixels are going to look oh so good it's better than sliced bread and speaking of sliced bread i got a loaf of [ __ ] for this very occasion let's see what kind of shitty games are in here [Music] legend of cage like johnny cage or even better nicholas cage yeah running around screaming you're a vampire while collecting the alphabet getting your face swarmed with bees punching people in bear costumes screaming purple rain at karaoke joints but hang on now relax it's not legend of cage it's legend of kage or shadow in japanese but thank you for already commenting on it before the internet it was anyone's guess ninja gaiden ninja gaiden ryu ryu rue ryu kyle guley guilie de haalsem dawsom zangief zanjief keen it's ken i'm just [ __ ] with you ken got off pretty easy but i'm not saying blanca cause blanca sounds like blanket man so i'm going with blanca like the actor tom honks driving a tonk on his way to the bonk okay enough let's pop this [ __ ] in you play as a pantsless dude in a skimpy bathrobe and sock suspenders i guess you're a ninja dad trying to rescue his princess daughter from just regular ninjas and before you rip on me for calling it a bathrobe just look at the cartridge and tell me that isn't a terry cloth robe he's wearing look at it this is from the primordial age of nes when it was amazing enough just to see anything with graphics that were a step up from atari also games tended to be shorter with high scores being the main goal and many reports of arcade games this game in fact was in the arcade before it hit the nes so the point is i can't be that hard on it because it can't be that bad oh here we go the controls are the first thing to alert you that there's nothing in the world of [ __ ] that could save this from going down in the anals of history as one of those games that went down the anals the jump button is up on the d-pad yeah in tournament fighters i'm fine with that but when you're playing a side-scrolling action game you underestimate how many times your thumb accidentally slides across the up position it wouldn't be that big a deal but look how high he jumps every slip you gotta wait for him to come back down a mistake like that has all the frustration of getting on a wrong plane and waiting for it to land so i had to invent the legend of kage controller put a lot of gum over the up button this guy should have a jumping contest with the dude from fist to the north star why do ninjas jump so high imagine if ninjas jumped on the moon they'd be launching themselves far out into space which actually happened in the movie ninjas on the moon the 83 version and when ninja dad jumps 80 feet in the air he flashes his balls and ass to everyone on the ground what a shitty day when you get a shuriken thrown in your face just before you get treated to a nice view of his nin genitals let me clarify his name's not ninja dad it's kage or kage like the title some of you might have commented on that just now or you just got done googling ninjas on the moon if it exists it was just a damn good guess also in most games you're running to the right but here you're going left now there's a reason for that it's the same reason why the alphabet rhymes i don't [ __ ] know the b button throws ninja stars shurikens or or maybe they're jacks who knows the a button is a short range attack that looks like he's swinging a drumstick or something now when i say short i mean look it doesn't even extend outside the character's body it's a miracle you can even hit your enemies just think somewhere there exists a hitbox but the weapon's reach is below zero it's in the negative zone how does this kind of thing happen why would we ever want to use this pathetic weapon this is what we sacrificed the jump button for what were they thinking now that i got the controls out of the way let me say the character you play as is called an eager ninja as in i'm eager to throw this game in a [ __ ] wood chipper at the end of the level you fight a boss now let's talk about this bot oh he's dead okay in level two you're running around a river and have to kill ten ninjas that's it level three you just jump to the top while avoiding a bunch of [ __ ] if you zigzag it's pretty easy but sometimes i get killed without even knowing what happened the strobing background makes it almost impossible to see enemy ninja stars it's frustrating as [ __ ] and when you die you have to watch kage plummet in level 4 you have to get to the end and save the princess where you escape by jumping off the building wow don't you love that solid blue sky i can't even tell if they're moving oh there they go man that was a long drop how do they go right back to full sprint their ankles would be bone dust i get that kaga is a highly trained super ninja but the princess doesn't have any special powers that i know of but damn she sure walks that [ __ ] off and then she gets kidnapped again what is this like the bowser cliche and next thing you're back at the first level makes sense the game's an arcade port so it's all about getting that high score the same levels repeat over and over again so arcade tradition or lazy design [Music] yeah don't expect much from this [ __ ] heap but hey at least the game has a pause button yeah a pause button yeah i mean that's pretty incredible compared to some of the bubbling pus [ __ ] bullcock i played i mean the game doesn't glitch out and freeze halfway through so count your [ __ ] blessings the replay values there if you consider cheap difficulty and dying over and over again giving you countless hours of gameplay going back to the ultra high jumping it also gets me killed because you can't control it kage can't change direction mid-air so once you commit to a jump you better hope a ninja star doesn't embed itself in your ninja rectum kage only has three lives and dies in one hit no continues no [ __ ] continues and there's nothing else to get you through so you'll be seeing a lot of this title screen sometimes i'll lose a life only to immediately die after coming back ninjas can appear directly in front of you right after respawning giving you a micro dick second to respond ass and enjoy the [ __ ] music it's like listening to a chalkboard getting gang-banged by every nail in home depot [Music] i can deal with one bad song okay one bad song but not when it's the only [ __ ] song in the game on your way kage can collect power-ups some are pretty helpful like these balls enemies will drop their balls that will give you an extra hit point a new bathrobe color and a bigger shuriken when you collect two balls your robe turns piss yellow and you actually run faster getting hit will change you back to the original red and make your ninja star puny no matter how many balls you have also there's these weird guys that walk around in the sky i have no clue who they are or what they are and they all do different things the ones that look like red pac-man ghosts will either give you an enhanced shuriken attack where they shoot in all directions or it makes kage turn into two kage's you're also invincible for a limited time gray dig dug looking guys give you 10 000 points because you really want that high score right i mean who doesn't want to have the high score to a home version of an arcade game is that something you want to brag about i mean what are you gonna say hey ladies you know i got the high score in legend of kage it's at home on my nes i've left it on just for you you want to check it out it's been on for days i've i mean weeks years you know i'm just leaving it on there till somebody cares and comes over and checks out my [ __ ] goddamn high score in legend of kage on nes another pointless item you can grab is the hot dog or scroll whatever they're real hard to see and they pop up randomly when you get it kaga freezes and the screen flashes all ninjas that come by spontaneously go stiff and fall over like tennessee fainting goats have fun googling that one you can't move while it's happening you just wait while this creepy [ __ ] sound drones over you like a haunting siren it's the perfect soundtrack to feigning goat ninjas landing on the ground boy kage has some real horrifying hot dog farts this game is an existential looping nightmare every time you rescue the princess she gets captured again and again and again and the season changes from summer to fall to winter and i guess back to summer again because [ __ ] the spring well that's the game and now we know what the legend of kage is the legend of a long time ago there is this jumpy [ __ ] in a bathrobe who flashes his ball sack and spreads his hot dog farts around while letting a princess get captured again and again and again for a whole year and probably eternity and if you play through enough loops guess what you get to see the ending [Music] kage successfully saved princess kiri from the enemy okay straight to the point no need to embellish it you know hiro saved the princess that's all doesn't even deserve an exclamation mark all the evils disappeared and the peace pervaded everywhere evils as in multiple evils of different kinds well maybe some enemies were in the evil of capturing the princess while others were in the evil of taking shits and chimneys and peace pervaded look up the word pervade especially of a smell to spread through and be perceived in every part of a smell of stale cabbage pervaded the air boy that sums it up now the piece pervaded makes sense but the choice of word only makes me think of the foul stench of feces that pervade the very room this game is in this was a story of a young ninja in old days in japan oh i wasn't aware till now he's a young ninja in old days in japan sounds like the opening to a story not the ending it might as well say you successfully [ __ ] the turd of this ass game the smell pervaded this was once upon a time and if you wonder what the arcade version's like well it's the same game with better graphics and music as expected even the song is the same but it's not as bad it sounds more like a nail making sweet love to a chalkboard rather than a hardcore nail on chalkboard gangbang like the nes it also has none of the power ups from the nes version so it actually manages to be even boringer than the nes what's weird that even got released on the switch it even got a sequel on the nintendo ds i don't know anyone who was that into this game as a kid or whatever but i guess some people liked it even the arcade version was released on the playstation 2 on an arcade compilation called taito legends 2. so clearly fans wanted to play legend of kage and other taito arcade games at home or it was just a bold overestimate taito was the company that made space invaders in 78 it was one of the biggest arcade classics to ever exist they also made bubble bobble a game that pisses me off but it's still pretty good so i don't know how they could go from designing [ __ ] like legend akage to classics like bubble bobble in the span of a year they're opposites like light and shadow but how many of their other arcade games were [ __ ] i can't really name that many noteworthy taito titles taito titles to be honest but they apparently made enough to fill up two whole playstation 2 discs i mean that's kind of like saying i filled two toilets full of diarrhea it's an accomplishment make no question about it never in my life have i heard of kiki kai kai shak and pop or violence fight violence fight okay so in a few weeks we're going from legend of kage to the legend of taito with taito legends one and 2 for the playstation 2. will it be a shitload of [ __ ] or a [ __ ] load of [ __ ] tune in next time to find out [Music] [Music] all right it's about that time let's get into taito legends one and two but first just a little something i want to address with the legend of kage episode i heard some people say that there was a technical problem with the game footage that it just didn't look right or something and that was right after i got done saying how the nintoaster was gonna look so good so that's my bad there are some breadcrumbs in it that's all now it's perfect this nintoaster has been upgraded so good it can now play ps2 games yeah so now let's play title legends one and two and see what's so legendary about him title legends one and two were released in 2005 and 2006 respectively on the ps2 original xbox and pc this was back during a time when every video game company collectively decided to put out arcade compilations capcom had one midway atari namco snk you get the idea it's weird that so many companies release these and almost at the same time now these compilations included some must-have titles but it also came with a bunch of [ __ ] it's like buying a discount candy bar where a quarter of the bar is chocolate caramel and peanuts but the rest is dog [ __ ] so the first one had 29 games including bubble bobble and about 90 different versions of space invaders it also had a bunch of arcade artwork and interviews with the developers title legends 2 got rid of the extras but packed it to the brim with games so even if you've never heard of taito you sure as hell know what the [ __ ] space invaders is not to mention between the two discs you're getting 68 games that is some value of the motherfuckest the story of taito is kind of bizarre they started out as a company that important goods and made peanut and vodka vending machines could you imagine what a [ __ ] show would be in the united states if we had vodka vending machines people would be going crazy they'd be all drunk in the streets eating peanuts while playing space invaders eventually in the 70s they got into entertainment products and moved to jukeboxes and of course arcade games in 78 they made space invaders arguably one of the biggest arcade releases of all time it was actually blamed for a shortage of 100 yen coins in japan but apparently that's [ __ ] and the coin just wasn't produced as much in 78. imagine that a game being so popular it's blamed for a money shortage space invaders was a big deal i didn't know space invaders was a series i thought it was one and done but here just on these two discs there's six different space invaders games believe it or not space invaders went on to have three sequels continuing the story of a bunch of space crabs or whatever they are that slowly come down to the ground space invaders part two added color whoa in color now you can shoot at slowly moving space crabs in about four different colors when you shoot them all you get a cut scene it's pretty crude but it's probably one of the first cut scenes to ever exist i'll bet back in 79 that made someone [ __ ] their pants next came return of the invaders in 85 this is the first major graphical upgrade this is a real next generation space invaders with bright colorful graphics and varied gameplay you weren't just shooting the same patterns as the originals now enemies swirled around and did all kinds of crazy ass [ __ ] this game is [ __ ] hard too in 91 we got majestic 12 space invaders part four this is the one i find the most fun to play in the space invaders cinematic universe they really improved on the gameplay switching up enemy behavior in crazy ways and the boss fights are challenging and the gameplay doesn't get boring too quickly and they also added power-ups like screen clearing bombs powerful lasers and time stopping stopping time summons [ __ ] mothra for some reason my favorite level is cattle mutilation where you have to save cows from flying saucers i like how they thank you when you save them overall this is definitely a great entry and a lot of fun to play after this came space invaders dx a kind of enhanced version of the original it starts with a weird text crawl space invaders had a great vogue in 1978 this one has a couple different game modes including the original and a parody game the parody game is just space invaders with the sprites changed to characters from other title games if you want a real parody game get ready for space invaders 95 the attack of the lunar loonies this game is bat [ __ ] insane emphasis on [ __ ] because literally the character i'm playing as is a blue piece of [ __ ] seriously two of the characters are named toilet one and toilet two i like toilet one because he's apparently a japanese style toilet type super weapon how in the sweet name is [ __ ] could you not choose the japanese style toilet type super weapon this is the culmination of almost 20 years of title game development blasting aliens as a talking blue [ __ ] coil the graphics are super bright and colorful but there's so much crap flying around the screen figuratively and literally also something i want to address before there's a million comments about it title legends 2 stretches the games to fit a 4-3 tv but you can change this in the options menu which would have been nice to know before i recorded pretty much all the [ __ ] footage for this episode and why they wouldn't make their original aspect ratio the default setting is beyond me it is what it is a title felt that their games would be better received looking stretched to [ __ ] i guess other than space invaders a lot of the earlier games feature on these compilations are either forgettable or total ass blasting [ __ ] splattering diarrhea there are a couple diamonds in the rough but for some of these we're just gonna rock it through like a turd traveling out your colon into the bowl balloon bomber is a game where you play as a cannon shooting at balloons with bombs tied to them if the bombs land they blow apart the floor and you can't roll there anymore the more bombs that land the more you're limited and how far you can move it's fine but it's like lame space invaders with a lame gimmick i'd rather save my fake quarter on to another balloon game crazy balloon yeah crazy balloon you guide a crazy balloon through a maze it's probably the best game i've ever played in my life i swear to no i'm just kidding this game is boring as [ __ ] next colony seven it's missile command but shitty i can't play this for more than a few minutes that's it next again phoenix is another space invaders like game but it has weird bird aliens it kind of feels like galaga but it actually predates it by about a year you play as a weird crawling ship and just shoot everything the sound is awful it's constant trilling and sirens all throughout it gives me a headache there's a boss fight which is kind of cool but the sound just makes me want to shut it the [ __ ] off lunar rescue it's basically a mix of lunar lander and space invaders this one's actually kind of fun you land on platforms and avoid meteors going down and then pick up a guy and fly up shooting through space invader type enemies it's it's okay so then there's a rhyme ice or however it said it's a futuristic pac-man instead of a yellow circle guy in a maze eating circles you're a future car in a maze eating circles you can grab power-ups to help get through the maze and there's even boss fights also every once in a while you get a cut scene of this guy i don't know what the [ __ ] kind of drugs these game designers were on if rhymeis is a future pac-man then the electric yo-yo is pac-man if he were a yo-yo taito were the experts at providing the perfect putrid platform for their game developers to piss their [ __ ] onto like finding the right cat litter i mean you get the ideal texture particle size and uh natural herbal attractant just so the cat can come in and say this is a good place to piss and [ __ ] but jungle hunt is a bonafide classic i used to play this on the atari all the time the arcade is better graphically but i like the atari's music during the cannibal part better [Music] next we have zookeeper you run around breaking in animals and making sure they don't escape the sounds in this game are hilarious it's kind of weird that he bricks them in i mean that'd be a pretty shitty zoo yeah imagine paying 20 to get into a zoo and then all the animals are behind brick walls like roger waters i mean there was the album the pink floyd album animals and then there was a the wall here's the most metal [ __ ] game so far civalian or sci-valian you control the mecca dragon a robot [ __ ] dragon in space blown fire on everything this game seems like it'd be amazing but you die so easily i mean how in the hell do you make a game about a mecha dragon suck that's a letdown plump pop is another game that is kinda like another game but with a twist it's breakout or arkanoid but instead of launching a ball at blocks you're launching your child at flying saucers it's a game about child endangerment in the name of saving the world from aliens imagine if the only way to save the world was to launch your only child into the [ __ ] stratosphere smash into ufos oh my god just for a medal of god damn honor frontline this game is basically the prelude to akari warriors except even worse i mean holy [ __ ] is it bad this might be the worst game in the entire collection so unlike akari warriors here you play as a guy who's constantly unhinging all of his joints his legs are all floppy and he can't hit [ __ ] with his gun i'd rather brush my teeth with aardvark [ __ ] that's ground-up digested dead ants all stuck in my teeth [ __ ] this game wild western is shitty too but not as shitty as front line but it's damn close it's hard as [ __ ] to hit anything and it controls like ass the best part of the game is the [ __ ] up looking horse and the cut scene between levels and it looks like it has homer simpson's mouth or something the fairyland story is a pretty bizarre game it's one of those games where you have to clear the screen to move on like in bubble bobble but here you play as a witch who turns enemies into cakes after a few levels she rides around on a goofy-ass wingless dragon also in the later levels there's crosses and [ __ ] in the background and you have to fight the pope what in god's name is going on don dokodan is another similar game you're a gnome in maryland not sure if they meant maryland or maryland or the state maryland you clear screens with the saddest attack ever it's hard as [ __ ] to hit anything because your hammer has zero range yeah i hate this game kiki kaikai is a weird one it's almost like a shoot em up but not it's actually a prequel to the snes game [ __ ] and rocky you play as a japanese priestess whose family gets taken away on a boat or something so you set out to save them it's insanely hard and has no continues so i didn't get very far one thing what is this snake what is the snake here what is this thing coming out of the shrine oh what is this [ __ ] kicks super kicks and vulfide are all the same game really you draw lines and try to clear away parts of the level while avoiding enemies and stuff that fly around the screen shack and pop is a game that has all the enemies from bubble bobble i think it's kind of like a prequel or something you play as some kind of thing named mr chakin and your hearts get stolen so you navigate a maze to find and release them the game plays like garbage you drop bombs to attack but they kind of just do whatever they [ __ ] feel like sometimes the bomb goes in front of me and sometimes behind me but either way i always end up dead yeah i beat one level this piss puddle and would rather punch myself in the nut sack than play another i've talked about bubble bobble before and you all know the gist of it but here's the sequel rainbow islands i'd never guess that this was a sequel to bubble bobble but it says right there on the title screen the story of bubble bobble 2. well then what about bubble bobble 2 on nintendo oh we'll get into that some other time you play as a chubby kid in a lederhosen with a magical ability to throw rainbows what's kind of cool is you could even use them to walk up to higher platforms i mean it's a pretty competent platformer game but it scrolls upwards instead of sideways so even though it feels very different than bubble bobble i gotta say it's pretty fun another game related to bubble bobble is bust a move again later on the bubble bobble dragons would even show up in the series this is one of the most addicting games in the compilation each level's background moves forward in time you have the big bang or something a caveman and jesus christ what the [ __ ] is that thing oh [ __ ] this game i never want to see it again taito did some puzzle games well and others not so well plotting is garbage fire you throw blocks at other blocks it has weird music and bland as hell graphics and that's it two-bit and cleopatra fortune on the other hand are pretty cool tetris-like games and are really easy to sink some time into especially two-bit you know this is a good game i should play it some more but i got too many shitty games to get to poochy carrot is a weird one who would have thought with a name like that it's like breakout but this time you have to knock down jewels if you miss the jewels get lower i died right away then got super lucky and [ __ ] up the computer player but those characters in the background are so annoying they jump around and yell and do a bunch of weird anime [ __ ] it's super distracting and makes the action hard to follow but even weirder is camel try why is it called camel try well because there's a camel in the logo why is there a camel in the logo i have no idea because there's zero camels anywhere in the game it's all about navigating a marble through a rotating maze maybe it's meant for camels to try or can camel try can crumble try camel troy taito also made some pretty decent shooting games like battle shark in the arcade the machine actually had you looking through a periscope and firing at things but on the tv it's very plain you shoot torpedoes at other subs i mean i mean it's space okay is an alien inspired shooter it's really bloody too alien chunks splatter on the screen and they explode in spectacular fashion there's people you can save but i accidentally shoot them they run at you while you're in the middle of a firefight so it's their own damn fault [ __ ] idiots there's a game here called operation wolf where every time you fire the gun the screen flashes in a way that's so horrible it could possibly cause seizures i'm not joking around and for that reason i'm not going to show it so this makes it a rare instance where the game is actually so bad that i can't show it for safety and health reasons luckily the sequel operation thunderbolt gets rid of the flashing and is a lot more fun the action is pretty intense you play as a green beret fighting terrorists and saving hostages they're as dumb as the ones in space gun and just run at you while you're firing you destroy everything terrorists tanks jeeps boats fighter jets and with nothing but an uzi i mean damn that [ __ ] uzi is a weapon of mass destruction nukes would look at that uzi and say nah man [ __ ] this i'm out of here i like how the terrorists drive tanks through the hallways of their office buildings how do they get in and out at the end you have to save the pilot i think you can accidentally kill him but i was too good and wasted the leader and flew the hostages home all in a day's work for the green beret guy and his magical super uzi so now from light gun shooters to shoot em ups taito had a lot of really good ones but one that sucks crocodile [ __ ] is tokyo which could be a typo because it takes place in tokyo it's slow boring and when you die you have to wait for the game to reset and there's no continue so if you die that's it the projectiles are practically invisible so i die constantly you can get power ups but they can actually be shot down just skip this one gun frontier is another weird one it's a wild west space shooter your ship is a big gun with wings and the bosses are giant revolvers it has the same problem as tokyo though when you die it sends you back i got stuck at this mini boss for a while it's not a bad game but [ __ ] it anyway gekkorindin grid seeker and metal black are all three very generic shooters with different gimmicks honestly i have trouble remembering which is which metal black has a bunch of blobby things that power your laser or give you a super powerful beam that kills everything geckerinden has space helicopters yeah space helicopters also you go back in time and fight old timey planes with super space planes yeah imagine being in the 1940s during world war ii and a [ __ ] space helicopter comes out of nowhere and obliterates your whole squad grid seeker tells the story of the second persian gulf war that happened in the distant future the distant future of 1999. so it's sorta like they kinda almost predicted the iraq war although the big difference there was no giant [ __ ] octopus tank ray storm is a mediocre 3d shooter it looks awesome but it plays like the rest tito also included darius gaiden and g darius which are pretty popular shoot em ups they're fine i guess they play mostly like r-type or gradius g darius is in 3d and has an attack that lets you take possession of enemy ships to use his weapons they're pretty cool games but what i don't understand is why the [ __ ] all the bosses are giant fish robots it's the strangest theme i've ever seen in a shooter like this they all have weird ass names like ancient dozer and prickly angler i think i asked this earlier but what were they smoking the best title legend shooter i played has to be exxxias exius this game is a blast to play you play as a flying dude who can turn into a ship difficulty is fair so you know what this is another one i thought would be ass but i'm gonna have to give it a pass of course this being taito there has to be a cutesy shooter and here you have insector x you're a cute character shooting cute bugs in cute levels that being said this game is not easy it's one of the hardest shooters of the whole collection i died over and over again and eventually had to just move on because i have so many other games to get to so it may look cute but it's a [ __ ] [ __ ] in disguise from cutesy shooters the cutesy platformers we got the new zealand story this is another one on the i don't know pile why is it the new zealand story is this how new zealand was discovered when a walrus kidnapped a bunch of kiwi birds one of which was smoking a cigarette please if you're watching this in new zealand what is it that i don't know am i missing something here do kiwis shoot bows and arrows and fly around on geese do they fight giant frozen whales and when they die do they go to heaven like in this game please let me know next is liquid kids liquid kids what the hell feels kind of like a sequel to new zealand story but now you play as this thing named hippo i guess it's a hippo and you throw water balloons at stuff it's another bat [ __ ] drug fueled acid trip but you should be used to that by now i kinda am bonds adventure in japan this game is called hell tour trust me just wait this game is [ __ ] up it may look like a fun cute game but this [ __ ] gets dark the game starts off like every other title game it's difficult but fun and you go through the levels fight monsters and platforming and then you reach it the bloody pond a level that has absolutely no place in this game or any game there's no music just the sound of a blood pond sloshing around decaying limbs stick out of the blood and eyeballs bounce you around this menacing fish thing follows you as you desperately seek the exit and end it as nightmare by the way this game was made by kenji kaido the guy who produced tomba ape escape and shadow the colossus well he's [ __ ] up now to lighten the mood who likes some sports hopefully you do because taito has sports titles full disclosure they all suck but we're doing them all so sit tight alpine ski more like alpine p seriously this game is ass and a half if i could i'd throw this game across the street into my neighbor's yards they could be like what the [ __ ] is this and then throw it away for me because i'm not soiling my trash can with it continental circus is pretty much like pole position with better graphics and horrific explosions well that driver is d-e-d dead hat trick hero is a shitty soccer game but it does let you play as guile on the usa team nah just kidding but why do japanese people think americans have that triangle ass hairstyle yeah so this is another boring one and oh look i scored a goal good i'll turn it off now the only sports title worth of [ __ ] is great swordsman it's a fencing game that's pretty fun you can attack high medium and low and just try to jab your opponent sometimes you can even knock off their helmet and what is going on here do the judges all look like adolf hitler oh my gosh what the [ __ ] the second level is kendo but i sucked at it and died that brings us to the next game which plays like a pseudo sequel to great swordsman gladiator you walk automatically through a dungeon avoiding bats and fire eventually you reach an enemy and the game goes into a one-on-one fight the point is to knock their armor off and strike the exposed part if you win you move on to the next one if you lose the guy does an awkward jig over your corpse you fight a woman at one point who laughs and celebrates when she knocks all your clothes off i couldn't beat the boss he's some guy who blows fire i don't know [ __ ] it next game thunder [ __ ] fox you're a shirtless badass running into enemy lines stabbing the ever loving [ __ ] out of anyone stupid enough to [ __ ] with you this game's pretty awesome you can get into vehicles and pick up a bunch of weapons like grenades handguns flamethrowers and missile launchers level two starts off like a side-scrolling shooter as you make your way to a flying battleship then when you reach the ship you get to mow down enemies in the sky this one's also a lot of fun also i love when you get sucked out the doors of the ship it's hilarious whoa look at him go next we have the legend akage oh no it already got its own episode that greedy son of a [ __ ] can go suck a [ __ ] out of an orangutang ass next is rastan you're a conan type barbarian laying waste to a whole bunch of enemies bats lizard people forearmed skeleton guys all shall fall to the might of rastan it's fun but it's hard especially in level two if you die you get sent back to the beginning which is brutal the sequel is nastar which is rastan spelled back wait no it isn't it's just rastan scrambled up i mean what kind of gimmick is that it would be like making a sequel to mario brothers and calling it maroy brothers anyway this game's kinda lame compared to rastan it has cut scenes but good luck reading dark blue text on a black background even when you can read it it makes no sense i have opened a fire huh the best part of this game is when he jumps in the air and thrusts the sword downward it looks like he's sawing his dick off he is sawing his dick off so the sequel to rastan was lame but one sequel that blows its original away is elevator action returns the original elevator action is a decent old-school arcade game you play as a secret agent moving through a building collecting intel moving down elevators and fighting off enemies make it to your car and then speed off elevator action returns takes that concept and ramps it to 11. this game is awesome with expansive levels that sprawl and change as you move through them and tons of enemies to fight and different weapons to collect you also get to play as three different characters kart bradfield eddie burrett and jad the taff jad the taff i mean what does that mean he's the taff so of course i become the taf and blast everyone to hell i love this airport level where you just crash a helicopter and come out shooting talk about making an entrance also this transition between the exterior and interior of the plane is really neat this game is mindless but i love it and i played the [ __ ] out of it next on the list we have curry kinton it's another weird one you're a karate guy who rides in on a moped shoots hot dukens and can meditate to make a shield it looks neat but it's super repetitive well we're getting down to the wire now only a few games left but don't worry i saved the most tito e title games for last tito's beat-em-ups are insane [ __ ] games like streets of rage and final fight they're not quirky and [ __ ] up enough for a guy like me anymore taito has shown me the way first the ninja kids imagine the tmnt arcade game but replace the ninja turtles with sesame street puppets who cut people in half and fight [ __ ] satan and you have the ninja kids oh wait i'm sorry the satan it has some interesting [ __ ] i especially like the boss fight against the werewolf the moon acts as the enemy's life bar which is a neat touch dungeon magic is pretty neat too it's a fantasy themed beat-em-up with branching paths and a ton of items and weapons to collect it's at an isometric view which gets kind of annoying when you're trying to hit enemies at an angle arabian magic kind of reminds me of golden axe if all the characters just [ __ ] their pants and were walking around with anus gravy caked in their cracks you can unleash a genie to attack enemies and even get new ones from bosses you beat it's your average arcade beat em up growl however is anything but average how so well you play as hulk hogan and indiana jones this game is title as [ __ ] it takes place in the early 20th century but has a ton of weapons that weren't invented until the late 20th century the mission is to save animals from an army of evil shit-bag poachers what's actually cool is that there aren't many level breaks other than a lava cave you go into all the levels are part of a long ass background that scrolls every time you put a coin in the game it goes hey come on hey come on hey come on hey come on i enter coins just to hear this it sounds great after you lay waste to hundreds of animal hating [ __ ] faces you face the evil king of the poachers who turns out to be a giant alien worm see i told you this game was taito as [ __ ] you kill him and all the animals come to hang out this game is hilarious weird good fun and that's kind of what i'm here for now if it wasn't weird i'd be pissed okay so here we go here it comes this is by far without a doubt the titleist of all taito titles on taito legends it is violence fight from the very beginning this game has already given me more material to talk about in just this text wall than any game ever could in the early part of the 1950s in the usa a game called violence fight was in vogue among mafia reckless drivers and general businessmen the violence fight was the game to struggle for number one quarreler with fighters who were gathered from all parts of the usa speaking boastingly of their strength and of course a lot of winning money as well as the honor were given to the winner here in a downtown nla a young fighter bat and his manager blinks seek for the winning money eagerly as a matter of fact can bad take the number one place in the usa wait they spelled his name two different ways is it bad or bad yeah here you go his name is bat blue like lebat blue maybe he's a canadian beer fan wait no it's bad blue on the character select make up your mind he's the main character you can't decide what his name is lick joe lick joe his name is lick joe i'm sorry bad blue or bat blue or the bat blue i'm gonna have to pick lick joe okay let's get into the game okay i'm sorry lick joe lick joe hey everybody who wants to lick joe oh [ __ ] names like ryu and ken scorpion sub-zero lick [ __ ] joe all right that's the best name i ever heard so anyway according to his bio he killed 13 wrestlers during playing what kind of wrestling promotion lets a guy wrestle after killing 13 wrestlers why is he not in jail instead he's allowed to be in the violence fight well i mean it is the violence fight oh my god it controls like ass it's kind of like an even shittier version of pit fighter but you know what it's got lick joe and that more than makes up for it between matches you get this awful art of the character and their manager it's kind of like the taunting screens in street fighter but in violence fight it's [ __ ] to [ __ ] sammy you what is that supposed to mean sammy you sammy you is it trying to say that sammy is you or it's just saying sammy to you like like [ __ ] you oh i've been wasting my time with curse words like [ __ ] [ __ ] and ass and [ __ ] but but taito comes along into my life and shows me the real way the the real mack daddy of curse words no instead of [ __ ] you i'm saying sammy you hey sammy you you sam and mother sammier every time you hit an enemy these weird words show up like dagoon and bogon and goon is it like the sound that the hits make like an onomatopoeia which is a weird word in itself but anyway what the [ __ ] sound is dagoon imagine if you were watching the 60s batman and every time someone gets hit instead of saying bam pow or biff it said dagoon bogon and goon seriously i can't praise this game enough it's comedic genius i mean you could have the funniest comedians of all time right for years and never come close to the perfection that is violence fight why are you fighting a tiger what the [ __ ] is score a point over why are the twin towers in the background of 1950s los angeles violence fight that's [ __ ] why the first rule of violence fight is you talk about violence fight [ __ ] mortal kombat or street fighter any other fighting games on next-gen consoles no i want [ __ ] violence fight [Music] well that's taito legends there are some good some bad some ugly and then there was violence fight but i gotta end this because this was a marathon 68 games over those two discs and if you count legend of kage on nes that was 69 games reviewed this month 69 dudes [Music] how did you learn [Music] okay that animated intro was way too good how am i going to top that well anyway i want to take you back to the holiday shopping season of december 92. kids were hyped for awesome new toys and i guess the movie toys on vhs too but i was more into demonic toys which was released the same year anyway my christmas list included a batman returns playset probably some ninja turtles figures and of course super nintendo games but sadly many kids didn't get a super nintendo from santa and instead got this lump of coal shot into their stockings bart man meets radioactive man now you may remember i already talked about the first two simpsons nes games well that was 13 years ago damn but these were so bad they literally made me eat my own shorts [Applause] [Music] the simpsons is a show that's been running for a long long time it was great back then but it's gone on way too long and it needs to stop okay on to av gen episode 180 something well the simpsons is obviously a huge franchise and if you take a look at all the other huge franchises that made it to the nes you'll see that one certain company held the monopoly spider-man ljn fry the 13th ljn x-men ljn jaws ljn back to the future ljn karate kid ljn roger rabbit ljn simpsons acclaim who bought and owned ljn ah claim why couldn't it be konami konami made some awesome ninja turtles games and had the rights to make the simpsons arcade game which was probably one of the most popular beat-em-ups ever made what deal with the devil did acclaim make to get the rights to make simpsons nintendo games even on the 16-bit consoles we never got a port of the simpsons arcade and for what reason they put it on dos and commodore 64. seriously the only way to play simpson's arcade at home back in the day was on dos and commodore 64. i can't even imagine trying to play it that way i never got the whole fascination with bart man i mean in the 90s there was bartman merchandise out the ass i mean bart man was everywhere except for the actual show when this game came out the only time bart man ever appeared on the show was in the episode three men in a comic book from season two there was a bartman comic book but that didn't really start till 93 the year after this game came out they must have been really reaching for ideas to vomit out another simpsons game the plot starts with bart and his treehouse reading a comic when fallout boy the sidekick of radioactive man not the emo band comes in and tells bart that radioactive man is trapped in the limbo dimension and needs bart's help to escape so bart changes into bart man and sets out to help radioactive man so this is the third simpsons nes game and it seems bart's learned nothing after fighting space mutants and the world because he still controls like [ __ ] even that jumping sound is intact [Music] so it definitely feels like the third part of a trilogy a trilogy of paper cuts on your [ __ ] so the point of the game is to defeat three super villains and restore radioactive man's powers so you can take on brano the magnificent the first enemy you take on is swap hag you start off in a junkyard fighting dogs giant bugs and a weird guy that i think was in the background of an episode one time there's also tiny rats that are too short to hit [ __ ] like this is up there with the most asshole-ish offenses in horrible game design how does making an enemy impossible to hit fair it's [ __ ] along the way you collect power-ups like laser eyes a tornado that makes bart invincible exclamation points that give you a 1-up if you collect 20 of them there's also whatever this is that brings you to the limbo zone it's a bonus level that wastes your time and makes you redo most the level yeah you can collect one-ups here but you get enough of them during the actual game it's best just to skip them unless you actually want to play more of this game which i don't whenever you get to these giant mountains of trash it's a crap shoot going up the mountain is easy enough when you have to go down the other side you have no idea where you can land so you just have to jump and hope for the best sometimes you can see a screw or gear shooting up so you know a platform's there but lots of the time you just have to jump and hope you land on something if you don't land on a tire pile you fall through the trash and die i don't get why you can step on tires and tvs but just go straight through a solid mountain of [ __ ] garbage until you fall to hell i hate this [ __ ] and when you die odds are you're starting all over from the beginning there's checkpoints but they're far into the level and these levels go on forever it's a soul-crushing experience but eventually you'll see through the [ __ ] and realize exactly how lazy this game truly is you just keep encountering the same four or five things over and over it's monotonous and honestly a little insulting i can't understand who the [ __ ] this was meant for it can't be simpsons fans because other than bart and a couple other characters this game has barely anything to do with the show and it definitely can't be aimed at people who like good video games because this game sucks nut butter from a jar level 2 is another ljn game requirement the sewer level i've played a lot of suck [ __ ] sewer levels in my life and this one is up there with the worst of them there aren't many enemies but there's these weird platform things that shoot at you for some reason these snowflakes or sparks or whatever they are don't do [ __ ] unless you're standing on it i mean it's just another thing that they threw in just to prey upon first-time players you know if this game were a person be a person i don't like these platforms take forever so to save time i just jump down but the game decides all of a sudden to kill you if the screen doesn't catch up with bart you just die and with the crap controls expect to die a lot oh i mean these jumps i mean just look the next level's a flying one it's annoying and long but once you know what to expect eh it's easy these bats are pretty annoying because their bombs are really hard to avoid bat [ __ ] bombs i mean actually this level is the closest you get to a shred of actual fun it's a shame then you fight swamphag she throws lumps of [ __ ] down at you from a tree top you freeze it jump on the frozen [ __ ] platforms and then beat the [ __ ] out of her also i should mention this boss fight is the exact moment where the game developers just gave up it honestly messed with my head because it's so insanely easy everything else until this point was so frustrating i wanted to belt sand my anus hole off this boss fight though is so easy it's almost pointless and the next levels are easy too there's the occasional beginner's trap but by now i've gotten used to it this level with the conveyor belt was kind of [ __ ] but once you realize exactly what's [ __ ] about it you're able to make it to the exit no problem it's the most obvious path to take but the game [ __ ] with your head you think that there's no way it could actually be that easy but it is there's numerous routes to take and if you go the wrong way you'll fall into a piss river i mean seriously look at that it's a glowing yellow river of piss that bart drowns in the water levels seem like they're going to be hard because you know their water levels but no i got through them without any issues in this one everything's dark except for the searchlight and even this is easy the boss here is dr julius crabb not zoidberg all you have to do is avoid the small crab and sure you can him three times and then it's on to the next level now you're in the underground caves of lava man this level is whatever i got stuck in the beginning here for a while before i realized i have to fall down this pit up until now bart died from falling in pits and the game was cheap as [ __ ] with its death traps so i kept passing it like i said this game [ __ ] with your head other than that the level's straight forward it's actually challenging and doesn't throw too much [ __ ] at you you also get to make use of bart man's flight powers they're limited so whatever you do don't run out in a place where you get [ __ ] over like this the next level is a [ __ ] maze of doorways that lead you all over the place this is definitely the worst level in the game the first thing you run into is a waterfall that kills you instantly there's absolutely zero indication that it's a hazard until you touch it and just die the [ __ ] part is they're littered throughout the level and a lot of time i forget and get killed again they just look like part of the background also you can't jump between platforms even if they look close enough if you do guess what you die eventually you find your way around and get near the end when they throw this room at you you have to choose between four doors one door is the right way and the others just bring you damn near back to the beginning so of course i chose the wrong door and had to redo it all this is extremely close to the end of the game by now i know all the traps and how to avoid them but i keep getting [ __ ] by this door puzzle it's basically the coffin puzzle in bart vs the world repackaged and even more annoying i'm on my last life and even if i make it through i'm probably gonna have to do the [ __ ] door puzzle again i drew a map and thankfully that helped out i made it through beat lava man who thank god is also easy as [ __ ] and got radioactive man's final power back they talk for like five seconds then go off together to face the final boss brano the magnificent i'm on my last life i really don't want to do this over again but it's the easiest boss fight so far you shoot lasers that bounce off braino and reflect off radioactive man it only takes five hits and braino can hardly even hurt you the guy is a giant brain but it's dumb as [ __ ] then radioactive man awkwardly talks to bart man again and that's it the shitty ass game is done and i don't have to play another one for a while but for how long for a little bit at least the nes simpsons games were such a steaming ass pile squirted out the diseased [ __ ] my arch nemesis ljn in disguise the claim was able to pass off their putrid piss poison as presents ruining christmas for lots of kids oh that makes me so angry i'm gonna have a cow man [Music] he's playing some games the worst he recalls he's gonna find out which one sucked the most balls the angry video game nerd is here oh he's making a list and checking it twice he's gonna go home and eat chicken and rice the angry video game nerd is here he hates the games that stink he knows which games to break he just might even hate them all cause he's mad for [ __ ] sake you better watch out don't give these games a try you better not play him he's telling you why the angry video game nerd is here you

Channel: Cinemassacre

Views: 3,951,702

Keywords: avgn season 14, angry video game nerd season 14, avgn season fourteenth, angry video game nerd season fourteen, avgn fourteenth season, avgn, angry video game nerd

Id: cxRVgo3-l54

Length: 219min 43sec (13183 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 12 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/TestZero]

"If the new game, Cyberpunk 2077 sucks..."

[u/soreyJr]

Avgn is what keeps me going day in and day out.

Edit: This was a joke my friends.

[u/grim_tales1]

I just watched the Bad Final Fight games episode, made me really laugh a few times, with the Bimmy and Jimmy reference and the part where the Nerd destroys a city by shouting FUUUUUUCK xD