Angry Video Game Nerd - Season 7 (AVGN Full Season Seven)

[Music] [Music] I'm back and so is Arnold Schwarzenegger and the Expendables - I can't wait to see that in the 80s and 90s nobody kicked as much ass and coined as many catchphrases as he did and now that he's coming back to do a little more acting I think it's an appropriate time to look at some NES games based on his movies NES a console so influential in the side-scrolling action genre now pair that with one of the biggest action movie stars and you have a match made in heaven how could you go wrong I don't know take this game for example Total Recall I remember my first time playing it as a kid it was a Friday night my homework was all done my mom took me to the video store I read this game I took it home man I played it and it just [ __ ] pissed me off and ruined my whole cartoon was earned Total Recall total [ __ ] [ __ ] the concept is quite simple your Arnold trying to make your way the end of the stage while defending yourself with this short little stubby punch that's all you get I do like how everybody you punch flies off the screen you know what I hate you'll be running past an alleyway and some random-ass head pulls you in now you got to fight these faster tap your height that moon jump all over the place get back here you [ __ ] not then there's this part with these mysterious holes with things coming out now I know what we're all thinking of glory holes alright you go into your apartment where you fight your wife yeah remember that scene in the movie with Sharon Stone man that was some domestic violence right there you get the gun and finish her off with bullets which seemed to take no more damage than your fists next this jackass starts shooting an infinite stream of bullets that force you to stay down also he seems immune to gunfire that doesn't help the situation [Music] great I like what they did here good one well I found out he can't die you're supposed to run for the door if you can gun down your wife fast enough you could potentially do it before this [ __ ] base shows up come to think of it just realize you're playing an NES game where you shoot your wife I can see that going over well with the parents hey son what are you playing I'm playing Nintendo oh that's nice yeah this shot my wife you know what this x-ray stage is awesome and I do appreciate how they've tried to follow the movie with the Cerebral plot like Total Recall that's not such an easy adaptation to make there's so many scenes from that movie that left an impression on me since I was a kid it was one of the first r-rated movies I've ever seen I remember the alien with the three tits and the guy coming out of stomach and the eyeballs popping on the surface of Mars and Arnold trying to rip that tracking device out through his nose if you're expecting to see any of that in the game then you're just out of your mind why are there balls and chains falling in the alleys why are you beating up on homeless people why are the dogs hanging on me like a turd stuck to a poodle's ass get it off the best part in the game is when you go into a movie theater and watch the movie that the game is based on it's just a credit crawl for all the game designers to laugh in your face I miss Fred Fox would that be a better game if you just go into a theater and watch the movie instead I've already talked about the terminator games and they suffered the same fate the first Terminator had some of the worst controls in existence the only way to fire the gun is to crouch into this gun mode and jumping around requires extreme accuracy the second game was a monotonous button masher where enemies take a thousand punches and there were platforms you can't jump on like some kind of prank I'm still holding out for that awesome 8-bit Schwarzenegger game next I'm gonna try Last Action Hero cuz they can't all be bad right it uses cutscenes with images taken from the movie but they look like garbage the contrast is so intense you can't even tell what you're looking at what is this a dead fish a porcupines back oh it's the top of some guy's head damn it looks like the NES just vomited all over your TV screen how does it look this bad I know this is only 8-bit but I've seen much better even with Total Recall Arnold's face on the title screen actually looks like him hell even the et game on atari 2600 actually looks like ET on the title screen at least but god I can't talk about that game anyway back to Last Action Hero the in-game graphics are even worse who is that is that supposed to be Arnold Schwarzenegger it looks nothing like him it looked way better in Total Recall not a perfect resemblance but for 8-bit it's a hell of a lot better than this [ __ ] I wish I could say more about the gameplay but there's nothing to say you run around and beat people up that's it there's nothing wrong with simplicity if it's done well but this ain't no double dragon is bottom-of-the-barrel button-mashing trash the hit detection is lousy and there's zero strategy when you come up to an enemy you just have to tap buttons and pray for the best it's almost impossible to kill someone without taking some damage yourself and if you don't move fast enough another enemy respond to this place immediately so you have to keep moving don't even stop it's better to run through somebody and take a hit rather than put up a fight and take several hits look at these guys they keep coming whoever programmed this game you can go eat a bowl of [ __ ] I think it was made by the [ __ ] Ian's from the planet ass you know what else I hate when you pause the game the music doesn't stop seems trivial but that's really a pet peeve of mine I'm really starting to appreciate the Total Recall game at least it had more variety sure the stages look different and it's nice that they all come from the movie and not from some lunatics imagination they even include the hamlet dream scene but that's not real variety it's just a change in the look and design and not in the way the game is actually played end a story Last Action Hero sucks a dick this is not going well at all we gotta find a good swartz now your game or else this is gonna be a great stain on the pages of gaming history Conan or Conan whichever you prefer this one I don't know how they could [ __ ] up [Music] oh that's how make it look like [ __ ] and give it the most inexcusably god-awful controls that gaming technology could allow I can't even explain how broken the controls feel all I can say is it's bad as in dark castle bad you don't have any idea you're looking at it but you have an experience that unless you pick up a controller yourself trust me you don't want to this will make you so angry you're gonna want to punch a Siberian tiger in the [ __ ] balls want to know the basics check this out a and B both attack that's fine but to jump you press up that's pretty shitty already but that's not all what do you think happens when you press down take a guess you think duck no it jumps you press down to jump whoever came up with that idea is a real [ __ ] sucks [ __ ] blue presses down to jump down should be for ducking and this is not an ordinary jump either it's a forward jump anyone with common sense would do this by pressing up and right but not in this game you can't even attack while you're in midair to pick up a weapon you have to press down an a but you can't press them both at the same time you have to hit a slightly before you press down or else down makes you jump forward I can't help but press down by accident because of my natural instincts it wouldn't be so bad if down didn't make you jump away from the weapon which is the complete opposite of what you're trying to do the hit detection is even worse than last Action Hero it only hits if they're as close to you as possible you don't get much range when you're trying to stab the skeletons and the dick with the sword it's as if the sword is going through them maybe the sword is imaginary and you're only hitting them with your fists I don't know within 5 minutes or less you come to a dead end a boss that you can't kill great using the sword doesn't work because you can't get close enough without instantly dying the fireballs would be great theoretically because it's a projectile weapon but there's no feasible spot to throw them you can't throw them while jumping and if you stand still you're too low to hit the boss imagine having bought this game for $50 and getting stuck in the first five minutes thanks to the internet I was able to find that you're supposed to kill the boss with a pitchfork you get the pitchfork from a devil a devil that only appears if you get the sword and cut down a hanging skeleton which I assumed was there for decoration [ __ ] you and your cryptic [ __ ] in true Dragon's Lair fashion the first stage is a mind [ __ ] the devil isn't that easy to kill either it keeps teleporting all over the place and the rest of the enemies keep respawning so you end up wasting all your energy trying to keep these [ __ ] off your back you know what's really annoying the following stages are more straightforward why put the cryptic stage in the beginning to prevent kids from being able to play the rest of the game who'd want to play it anyway I'd rather have a sasquatch set its ass on my face and shoot diarrhea down my throat I'm dead [ __ ] serious want a shitload of [ __ ] what were they thinking you know what the worst part about it is I don't think it's really supposed to be based off the Conan the Barbarian movie just the character so it's not really a Swartz Nagar game and I just wasted my [ __ ] time I might as well play commando has nothing to do with the Swartz [ __ ] movie but at least the game is good it's hard as [ __ ] but it's a hundred times more playable than any of these other disasters alright one last game one last chance for the Swartz Nagar NES library to redeem itself predator how could this be bad it's [ __ ] predator you look at the cover and think yeah this game's gonna be awesome this is a real man's game this game will turn you into a sexual Tyrannosaur like me see wearing pink why'd they put him in pink did they see the movie he doesn't wear a pink in the movie that's not an appropriate army colour I don't know maybe he's in pink to stand out from the dull graphics the graphics are as ugly and dirty as this games mom this game sucks so bad the enemy soldiers commit suicide in addition to the enemy soldiers you must also face scorpions what you can stand on and they take you for a ride but only the green scorpions well you thought you could ride on a red scorpion what are you crazy wow they sure follow the movie pretty closely you know the plot a Special Forces team led by Alan Dutch Schaffer dressed in hot pink go on a mission to rescue hostages in Central America they are hunted by piranhas balloons plants that spit fireballs low lows or shy guys chickens with skull masks giant bacteria Metroid's and birds that crap blood now I know too NES games with Birds that crap blood the other being daydreaming Davey what about the predator well yeah just about every stage boss is a predator you killed more predators in this game than the predator kills people in the movie if that's all you do is hunt down predators then the pressure isn't really a predator its prey and doesn't he look familiar he looks just like the Ninja Turtles in the first Turtles game anyway he's the easiest boss in the history of gaming you go over here and just keep attacking him he'll never come and hit you not once keep doing that and that's it did they even test the shitty game before they released it this is another one of those games where the music doesn't stop when you pause even worse if you press any button while pause other than start you will self-destruct this can be handy if you find yourself stuck somewhere due to faulty game design like here I'm stuck in the damn rocks so rather than working out the bugs they decide to include a suicide button this is dangerous because whenever the game is paused you have to be careful not to push the wrong button don't pause it and then pass it to your buddy who's thumb accidentally touches the A or B button and kills off your last life faster than you could say oops another major inconvenience is that every time you die you have to make sure to pick continue if you pick start your game is forever lost and you have to go all the way back to the beginning and sooner or later when you keep playing this long enough you're gonna make a mistake it doesn't help that they put the cursor on start by default and you can't select by using the d-pad you have to use the select button which is right next to the start button increasing your risk of [ __ ] it up that is some sadistic [ __ ] you can't duck and punch and that's just great because most of the enemies are down on the ground you can get a gun it's immediately at the start of the game but it's easy to miss because it's up in a tree it's called mick gun or MC gun like MC Hammer but this is MC gun one here's some horseshit when you finish the level the gun is gone so you can't keep it from one stage to the next once you have the gun you better not walk into a fist or else you go back to punching of course the game has to be as obnoxious as possible by putting these fists in areas that are hard to get around oh no no no oh oh good the grenades are the kind of weapon you do not want to get but they're necessary in breaking through obstructed paths if you don't calculate these bomb blasts perfectly you end up building your own deathtrap look I just created a hole if I fall down there I die but I need to blow away that one last piece so I can go forward what makes this more difficult is that you can't be near a grenade when it explodes because it hurts you come on come on what now this game blows ass sucks duck [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] much a bunch of pile of poop these stages are designed with no rhyme or reason doesn't it look like I can go in this door well I can this house is just part of the background you can never tell what's background and what's not right here I can fall through the grass just because it's a darker green could they just make it black like the background so it actually looks like a hole there's no clear indication what you can step on on what you can't gotta get away from the grenade [ __ ] I didn't know I would go through this platform you're kidding me you can fall through the walls that's like if you could fall through the staircase in your own house look the bird got stuck this game is so messed up even the enemies can't play it the layouts to these stages make no sense there's a laser gun I can't get it because there's rocks around it so I need the grenade first but the grenade is all the way near the final door so why would I backtrack to get a gun when I'll lose it after I go through the door anyway [Music] [ __ ] grenades all you can do is keep throwing them and hoping they stick to the rocks [Music] one piece of [ __ ] finally [Music] you've got to be kidding this all of a sudden it looks like I'm playing a completely different game Arnold is much bigger now and would you believe they call this section of the game big mode how creative so now he's wearing green ah maybe because pink wouldn't stand out as much from the purple background as if this game has standards all the sudden watch out for the bubbles how could bubbles kill you maybe when you're so masculine little [ __ ] things like bubbles become your kryptonite and guess what you can't pause during big mode if you could pause in the rest of the game why not now did a completely different persons program this part why does it need to be platforms when you can jump as high as the top of the screen why are you always moving even when you're crouching why do you shoot little Atari pellets you can upgrade the gun with these power-ups that appear when you shoot things but they're hard to get because they go right and once they're off the screen they're out of existence this forces you to wait for projectiles to come as close as possible so that the power-ups don't appear all the way to the right of the screen and you end up losing them why they go right everything else goes left at the end of big mode you fight a predator then the game goes back to normal every 5 levels or so you'll have to play another big mode each with a different colored background yay jumping blocks is always fun every muscle in your body tenses when you jump I don't want to overshoot it I don't want to overshoot it I'm just trying to be careful oh no I got a bomb all this [ __ ] and avoid projectiles at the same time this is some intense [ __ ] come on almost there almost there come on come on come on oops I hit start I hit start we gotta go all the way back to the beginning [Music] [Applause] [Laughter] I'm seeing red I'm gonna beat this [ __ ] right now [ __ ] man I can take a chainsaw to a [ __ ] baby's neck right now take a baby pony out of my way I'm gonna [ __ ] you up [ __ ] game I'm gonna [ __ ] kill your mother your father your uncle your uncle yeah yeah I'm at the final boss and and it's a big predator head that looks like Casey Jones from the Ninja Turtles [ __ ] stop shooting me I'm gonna [ __ ] kill you [ __ ] kill you I'm not [ __ ] around here [ __ ] around oh the mask is off now now it's serious now [ __ ] [ __ ] it [ __ ] time oh my god I got a [ __ ] win before a heart attack I did it I did it I want a be predator oh man oh boy [Music] congratulations you have survived [Music] barely [Music] [Music] happy Halloween and guess what I have here I was doing an autograph signing not too long ago and one of my fans hands me this piece of paper it's a petition to review ghosts and goblins yeah he went through the line and got everybody to sign it now what's there to say about ghosts and goblins well it's not a bad game it's made by Capcom so how could it but it's one of the most difficult games in the NES library this game is harder than fossilized Triceratops turds I'm talking Megaman combined with Castlevania that kind of hard games this ruthless and unforgiving should be illegal and I've never gotten the petition to review any other game that's a true testament to its infamous legacy and the eternal frustration that scarred us all since childhood I remember my first time playing it I got it for my birthday the same day I got my NES of course I had the Super Mario Brothers duck hunt combo cartridge but the first game I attempted was ghosts and goblins that's right this is the first NES game I ever played and that's one hell of a game to start with [Music] naturally I got my ass kicked this is what it would have looked like my first time playing the game I sucked balls this new console was way different than the Atari 2600 I was accustomed to in the 80s these were the kind of brutal ass games that kicked us in the shape and heightened our senses Madison the [ __ ] Tigers and now 25 years later I'm gonna put my gaming skills to the ultimate test and see if I could finally beat this [ __ ] because it's Halloween there's no excuse I could feel in the air the time is right to play some ghosts and goblins it begins with one of the most shocking intros in videogame history a couple just got done having sex in a cemetery I'm not even kidding what else does it look like he's not wearing clothes next thing Satan shows up as if saying yeah I want to get in on some of that and takes her away that's the plot is that the greatest opening to an NES game or what so you get suited up in your knight's armor and set off to rescue your girlfriend fighting off a never-ending army of ghosts and goblins and zombies and devils and ravens and dragons and squealing ghosts that look like pigs in a blanket yeah I guess they couldn't fit all that in the title of all the enemies the Red Devils are probably the most annoying they stay up in the air like a little [ __ ] and then swoop down that's the only chance you have to hit them but that's also when you're bound to get killed if you try to outrun them they will chase you all the way through the stage you encounter the first devil in the middle of stage one this guy is a beginners trap that's bullied unsuspecting gamers and it's arcade cousins stole more quarters than you could imagine first time playing this game I figured he must be the final boss nowadays it's silly to imagine a game being that short but back then I was accustomed to Atari the idea of a game lasting longer than five minutes was beyond my comprehension my only clue was that every time you die you're shown a map screen letting you know how much of the game is left it's only six levels plus a final boss stage doesn't sound that hard but just you wait your starting weapon is a javelin it flies in a straight line and kills whatever it hits seems like a good deal right well you'll learn how useless it is once you get to the first level boss which the instruction manual calls a unicorn yeah it looks just like a unicorn doesn't it anyway this guy takes a million hits you need a faster weapon like the knife the knife is the only weapon that's fit to the challenges that lie ahead now we're in level two this is where [ __ ] starts to get criminally insane how do you like jumping around on platforms taking leaps of faith while avoiding tiny enemies and projectiles next these little bastards come flying out of windows then you're navigating ladders while fighting these big guys that squat and drop shits and take about as many hits as the unicorn if you didn't get the knife in level 1 don't even try that's my words of wisdom anyone who wants to get far in this game my rules are number one get the knife number 2 get the knife number 3 get the knife you want to cut steak with a plastic spoon no get the knife I can't stress it enough they'd lock me up in an asylum get the knife get the knife [ __ ] my uncle you see that that's a flame weapon that thing sucks it's the second worst weapon in videogame history aside from the cane and dr. Jekyll and mr. Hyde it always misses your target and if two of them land you have to wait for the flings that die out before you can throw anymore you don't want it but look it's sitting on top of the only ladder that goes down the weapons don't go away they just sit there even if you run far away then come back the weapon is still there you're probably thinking why not just get the flame and then die well when you die you keep the weapon it never changes until you find a different weapon that's [ __ ] but on the plus side when I have the knife I get to keep that too you know what I had to do I had to reset the game and get the knife in level 1 all over again and then guess what the flame appears again it's a trap well I figured it out the flame appears when you get to the top floor what you don't have to do you can stay on the second two top floor and progress to the right so that's my other tip don't let the flame appear on level 2 speaking of weapons there's also an axe which I found deep into level 6 want to know what that does well I'm not getting it the level 2 boss is 2 unicorns did I mention get the knife level 3 you know what makes this level hard the devil's the whole stage is an endurance marathon of Devil's this is where you start to realize exact what makes the game so difficult it's because you can only get hit twice no it doesn't have all the pitfalls like in Castlevania the respawning enemies like a ninja gaiden or the disappearing platforms like in megaman but imagine playing any of those games without a [ __ ] life bar in ghosts and goblins first time you get hit you lose your armor second time you lose your skin and that's it it's as if they program the game and then said you know what it needs an expert setting and then they programmed it but forgot to add it in the menus it's a theory but it's the best guess I could come up with why else would they make the game so [ __ ] hard well one fair thing I can say is that there's no game over well technically there is it says game over when you die three times but there's unlimited continues and it always puts you back at the checkpoint where you left off so the game's incredibly fair when it comes to that but it's so relentlessly hard it almost doesn't matter anyway there's actually a glitch I found out where you hit the devil when he's just barely off-screen then run away wait like five seconds come back and he's gone yeah how do you like that your [ __ ] game it's cheating but for a game like this I don't feel bad about it now I actually have a chance against the dragon boss after observing his pattern and getting some practice he's not too hard to beat level four starts it off with a big jumping game on floating clouds it's a mess after the checkpoint you're on a firey bridge with flames rising below and projectiles at every step of the way the level boss is another dragon there's no tricks I know of the only way to do it is the [ __ ] do it level 5 now you're in what seems like the final stretch of the game I mean you're in the final tower after all but I guarantee these last two levels will take the longest of all but that goal is so tempting just to be able to say you beat ghosts and goblins or you could just aim for the high score yeah I didn't mention yet that you find money and treasures all around which are only good for points that's right no power-ups no life bar but plenty of points if you just want to get that high-score the level 5 boss is Satan he's just like the swooping Red Devils it's worth mentioning that he's called Satan but the last guy is the devil I always thought Satan in the devil we're the same thing level 6 oh boy this is the infernal hell hole of the 8-bit underworld there's nothing more synonymous with hell eternal damnation fire and brimstone then level 6 ghosts and goblins this will make you curse the day you ever picked up an NES controller your body will shake your hands will be sweating all over the controller your heart will be racing out of control you'll forget to breathe and your eyes will be burning from not blinking these are all common symptoms of NES fever you get it from playing games like Ninja Turtles Street Fighter 2010 the Famicom transformers and this one first kill the unicorn by now you should be good at it then kill the dragon he's an [ __ ] anyway then a shield drops down no it's not some powerup it's a weapon that's right a shield as a [ __ ] weapon in other words you don't want it right next is one of the most frustrating moments of the whole game a big guy wanders back and forth if you go up the ladder he kills you the only thing you can do is wait for him to go away from the ladder I mean far away and there's no pattern you can lure him toward one side but for the most part he just wanders around as he feels like it I've actually ran out the timer waiting for this guy yes there's a time limit as if the game isn't hard enough once you do make it to the top of the ladder you're in a real bad spot one step to the left triggers a skeleton and one step to the right triggers the Red Devil you do not want to wake that guy up you can even wake him up by throwing a knife in his direction that means if the big guy is to the right you have to count off exactly ten hits if you throw one extra knife you'll hit the devil he'll wake up and then it's game over the next obstacle is the worst of all a Red Devil that you can't avoid don't go up there and fight him trigger him to come down and then hope to god you can kill him oh no no I'll thank God for post hitting invincibility yeah after you beat him you're free to go up you're almost done level six but wait a minute remember that shield supposedly if you beat level six without the shield it sends you back to level five this is one of those famous pranks in the history of gaming whether or not it's true I'm not risking finding out I'm getting the shield thankfully enemies do not respawn so my strategy is killing them with the knife then going back for the shield the only disadvantage is that you only get three minutes on the timer so doing all this is barely possible then you go back up and watch that flame it there every time lose the shield now and you lose the game oh here's the boss who's the boss to Satan it's another Satan well the shield has a short range but at least it can flock as projectiles yes oh my god it's it's another one there's two satan's that doesn't make any sense come on now you're stuck with that shitty shield don't even try you can't kill the Unicorn with the shield it doesn't work if someone else wants to try it go ahead you need the knight so now you got to go ghostbusting kill those [ __ ] ghosts until one of them drops a knife again it's at pure random so expect to run the timer out a few times and by this point those annoying squeals the ghosts make will nearly drive you to break the [ __ ] TV screen ah finally when you get the knife back you can try the level again [ __ ] what are you laughing at you know that feeling you get when you almost beat the level and you want another shot right away you have that adrenaline going and you want to start again immediately well you can't you got to go wait for the [ __ ] knife to come back so you'll never get two tries in a row you know what I'm sick of it I've been playing this [ __ ] game since the eighties I gotta be it I need closure on this I need to end this chapter on my life this chapter of not beating ghosts and goblins I've been to Satan's in my underwear final boss the devil knows how walking backwards so it's now in one-on-one fighting mode kind of like a certain other Capcom game ah come on my mother throws bigger fireballs net [Music] you know what I don't try to be cocky or anything but who's the man I just beat one of the hardest games of all time I bet you didn't think I could really do it but I got this man I got this by the ass this room is an illusion and is a trap to devise it by Satan go ahead dauntlessly make rapid progress [Music] you have to beat the game twice you have to beat the game twice in a row this is great because this time I'm twice as [ __ ] pissed off beat the game twice I'll show you twice after all that hard work who'd want to do that [ __ ] again it's like building a house and right after you're finished you tear it down just to build it one more time oh yeah we could have made 12 stages but instead let's just make 6 and make people have to play the game twice alright I'm gonna get the good ending this time it better be good whatever it is better be something awesome for going through the game twice alright alright yeah I did it congratulation this story is happy and thank you being the wise and courageous that you are you feel strong at the Wellington point challenge again curse curse goddamnit hmm I used up all my [ __ ] points during the last 107 episodes I don't have anything new I got to rely on the old tricks let's try a cluster F box oh this [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] game oh god you don't put the precision F strike oh how this game lures you in with its game-playing charming atmosphere then Bend you over at Fox ul Oh perhaps some work clay alliteration feast on some fried [ __ ] farts assonance what's up you dumb [ __ ] couple mother humping [ __ ] uncle rhymes suck on this muck you running my [ __ ] up of mandarin duck scales it's time for the atomic bomb [Music] [Music] most of the videogames I talk about our action game side-scrollers games that are in the realms of fantasy but there's a huge huge following for games based on sports and I get a lot of requests for that and I'm not really a big fan because I don't know I guess I like fantasy games more because it's something that you couldn't do in real life whereas a sports game you could go outside and play sports it's possible not for me because I don't know anything about sports I'm a [ __ ] nerd usually I stick to what I know best but sports video games have been around since video games first existed they're not going away how do I ignore it for so long I can't there's boxing and racing games I don't mind those too much but the ones we're talking about are all the ball games like baseball look how many baseball games there are I don't even know where to begin Major League all-stars whatever always named after players named sequels to games what the hell is different this time it's baseball then there's basketball NBA this and NBA that one of the most popular games all-time is NBA Jam okay it's basketball again football don't even get me started and I'm not talking about the kind of football where they actually use their foot I mean the kind where they slam into each other like a bunch of barbarians huh what I don't understand is why everything is always bull well like a toilet bowl okay I know at least what the Super Bowl is it's the most anticipated football game of the season and with so much testosterone and high energy going around why is the halftime show always some [ __ ] pop group get Metallica in there or something it doesn't make any sense all right back to football video games Madden Madden Madden Madden 91 matte 92 Madden 93 Madden 94 Madden 95 mad 96 97 98 man man mm man 2001 math you guys do math 2003 who the [ __ ] is John Madden anyway he doesn't even look like an athlete what is it with football everywhere you go football go there football football football football look what the [ __ ] Sunday football Monday Night Football Thursday football football and Thanksgiving football Christmas and out of all sports it's the one everybody goes the most [ __ ] apeshit over makes immaculate [ __ ] maniacs yeah I gotta calm down all right if I'm gonna play some sports games I gotta start with the Atari 2600 yeah this is when sports games were [ __ ] sports games look at these titles baseball basketball football not this mad and [ __ ] just plain ass normal everyday no question about it no NFL no year not named after a player not named after a coach not named after the referees pet goldfish no quarterback dime back Nickelback simple ordinary unembellished unmistakable crystal clear as frank as Frankenstein as blunt as an atom bomb one compound word its mother [ __ ] goddamn sons of [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] football [Music] and it's one of the worst games ever played my life are these football players or are they stormtroopers are they wearing helmets are these microwaves on their heads is it team white versus team naked is that a crowd noise or is it the sounds of the ocean is that the entire field yeah it is and it's surrounded by water it looks like yeah it's like an island its football Island in other words hell I'm gonna make it I'm gonna make it to be fair football games had to start somewhere in real sports football and super challenge football the players look more like people and the screen Scrolls in super football there's a 3d perspective pretty ambitious for the Atari 2600 I'd say play this one or the latest Madden basketball now this is some great stuff what is this purple man can't jump I love that you're dribbling a square ball that's right this was before circles were invented I like how the players are constantly stopping around like Les Claypool or Angus Young or perhaps like a dog getting its belly scratched oh look at this look at this yeah you can't do that an NBA Jam you can actually keep playing after the timer runs out this is a pretty fun game for what it is but there's simple things they couldn't get right if you select one player you get the two-player mode and if you select two players you get the 1 player mode I'm not kidding when it comes to baseball games there's a handful of them like home run even though I know nothing about sports I can tell you one thing there's only one pitcher in baseball what the hell's going on here they eat the other players in the same way that pac-man eats the ghosts Super Challenge baseball is slightly advanced by slightly I mean it's like a bunch of restroom signs got loose and start playing a game of baseball the batter is sort of like a letter G that's been stepped on or something nobody has a neck and they balance the balls on their heads but hey it looks better than the other game and graphics don't matter much if the game plays well and this one does not it's [ __ ] I can't figure out how to control the other players and it's Atari there's not too many buttons to try have you ever seen a game of baseball where the catcher runs out to get the ball by the time he gets it the batter has already run the first base had a cup of coffee and watched the whole Godfather trilogy then I try throwing the ball back to the pitcher but it keeps going through him what am I supposed to do to continue the game I guess I got to go downstairs to home plate real sports baseball is even more advanced but the sound effects are awful listen that is the sound of all-encompassing negativity really what's it supposed to be the sound of the bat cutting through space and time what is the batter naked I'm not trying to be funny he is naked you can see all the other players wearing shirts and pants the batter is naked and they gave him a dick maybe it's the knee but then where's the other knee it's a dick the batter is naked concluded ice hockey it's somewhat playable this is a little bit of an economic version of hockey they could only get two sticks so when the player passes the puck to his teammate they have to pass the stick to real sports volleyball your teammate is your mirror double and can only copy or every move when you bend over you look like a harp the sound of the ocean is like an atom bomb going off the net is like nunchucks and the Sun is like pac-man with his mouth shut in fact it is fun game though very intuitive and playable boxing what is this Geodude fighting mr. Game & Watch in the middle of a baseball field I gotta admit I was pretty confused looking at this until I figured out that it's an overhead view Oh long I thought they were crabs or something this is hilarious too bad there's no fall down graphic because then we could have seen their whole bodies let's step it up with real sports boxing as the title suggests this is the real version the graphics are way advanced even though you can see through the outlines on their arms and when they get knocked down they look like they've been squashed by a steamroller they punch each other so hard the sounds of their impacts resonate and one more thing you can select your character for the 2600 that is pretty innovative tennis playable yes graphically advanced no is that a net or is it a wall could they not make a simple grid yes they could real sports tennis actually has a net and get this you can enter a name not that I care too but it's another interesting thing to see in a 2600 game Grand Prix yeah it's pre but it looks like Prix it's a bunch of kazoos flying through a cabbage patch not too bad but then try out math Grand Prix your car can't move until you finish a math question you wouldn't wish this game on your worst enemy so no karate what's up with your legs they're multi-jointed it's like you're fighting on a giant combo you know those little pretzel bites with cheese in the middle yeah I'm stretching now before there were combos and killer instinct you were mashing the button hoping you'll eventually hit your opponent it's crap moving on international soccer have 45 minutes to spare and I wouldn't recommend it let's see if Pele soccer is any better oh man which one is Pele let me guess the round one this is the only sports game I think I've ever played where the controls are so broken it's impossible to score even if you purposely let your opponent come to your goal you can't keep your goalie from automatically blocking the ball and when you get to the opposite goal you can't keep your players from automatically kicking the ball all over the place I'm not even touching the button stop kicking the [ __ ] ball golf this sucks you can whack the ball until the cows come home but that ball is not going anywhere you want it to every time I try to hit it it goes straight up or down I've tried approaching it from every angle possible the club is useless it's like the staff in dr. Jekyll and mr. Hyde oh come on oh my god get it over there and the car is three how could anyone do this in three strokes I've actually reached 99 and rolled the counter over to zero if I can get three now would that count and this person golfing looks like minimal the elf now I have to explain if you look on the United States map mimmo is an acronym for Minnesota Iowa Missouri Arkansas and Louisiana spells Memel and looks like an elf with Minnesota being the Hat Louisiana being the foot and that's minimal playing golf but am I talking about video games here or u.s. geography let's move on let's try miniature golf what the hell man it's like the characters from pong went to play golf oh good lord oh it's killing me oh you're a square pushing the smaller square towards another screen I don't even know what to say about this game just look at it well that's Atari Sports for you some of these games were pretty innovative for their time and others were a little crappy I think it's obvious to say that in all the years since sports games have gotten better so if that's the type of game you enjoy then game on maybe you're the kind of person who remembers which bush to burn in the Legend of Zelda to find the labyrinth or maybe you're the kind of person who remembers the score to some sports game years ago maybe you liked to go around a Star Trek uniform or you liked to go around in a sports uniform and I don't mean like a sports t-shirt but the same jersey that the players in the game wear whatever the case may be somehow in our own ways we're all nerds [Music] here's another game I've had a personal grudge with since I was a kid Akari Warriors on NES let's pop this [ __ ] in I'll show you how it goes two guys tugging at their crotches March up to the title fire their guns around that nothing and then you pick one or two players well I'm not getting anybody to play this [ __ ] with me so I'm going solo like usual your plane crashes in the jungle and the game begins first thing I have to get out of the way is it Rambo that's what everybody called this guy from the time this game came out up until the present day he's shirtless run around the jungle with the headband shooting people so naturally everyone assumes he's Rambo the real names depend on where you're coming from and most of the world there Paul and Vince but in Japan there Ralph Jones and Clark Steele later to be featured in King of Fighters anyway Ikari warriors doesn't seem so bad at first it's a standard shoot-'em-up game unlike Ikari warriors - when you're on the [ __ ] moon did he just say bath time bath time yeah bath time there were many other versions of this game like on Atari that's right Akari Atari I just wanted to be able to say that anyway the frustration starts to set in real fast you're surrounded by enemy soldiers missiles fly out of nowhere without any patterns landmines appear everything explodes even when destroying an enemy vehicle you can't be near the blast radius to put it simply you die very easily an average game of Ikari warriors last maybe five minutes but you're in luck there's a code a BB a it brings you back to life oh I'm dead again a BB a a VBA get used to that you're gonna be doing it a lot a BBA it's real fair when the enemy bullets travel all the way across the screen but yours stopped within throwing distance aiming your gun is a real [ __ ] instead of firing in a straight line it's slightly off-center so how am I supposed to shoot this guy without stepping into his line of fire I know the reasoning for it being off-center is that he's holding the gun in his right hand but come on it's a game even the grenades that look like salt shakers don't help much look at this I can't shoot this guy it's like you have to be some kind of geometry genius to figure out the right position to hit your target [ __ ] this is nothing like the smooth fluent control and super contra and that was NES just as well here every time you want to face the opposite direction you have to turn yourself around 180 degrees by the time you turn around you're dead the arcade version used a special rotary joystick that made it more novel but it didn't translate well to the NES even with the code every time you respawn you start at the bottom of the screen so if you didn't make the screen move you haven't made progress just want it to go up make the screen move hmm man and the problem is you moved so slow that's my main gripe with this game it's not horrible it's just tedious as [ __ ] and with only one player this is gonna take all night I need a second player [Music] a BBA [Music] oh I guess somebody needs a favor yeah I need your help to feed a game let me let me get a shitty game yeah shitty game Ikari warriors yeah I know that game oh yeah yeah I know what you could do with that game too oh yeah yeah you take the game and you take your ass cheeks as well and you just open it up really wide grease up the game and just taking you shove it up your ass I'm not helping you besides you never play my theme song anymore yeah the theme song I thought people were getting tired of that it's a lot wrong yeah I know alright so if we do the theme song will you play the game with me fine all right let's do this play the song [Music] play the [ __ ] song it's gonna take place the shitty games that suck ass he'd rather [Music] video game [Music] okay Ikari warriors you know what a khari means what anger and in Japan and it depends on do you know what warrior means warrior no free soldier a fighter brave soldier fight so who is this guy Rambo well he's Rambo and who's the other guy Arnold Schwarzenegger which movie commando that would be a [ __ ] awesome movie John matrix and John Rambo together at last of course it would be Rambo and commando say that three times fast randal commando Rambo commando Rambo command no you died hit any BBA that's how you come back oh you died again a BBA a BBA I told you [ __ ] doing this game it's been a BBA pretty much don't bother kill anybody just keep going up you just want to get that screen to move just keep going so slow yeah we'll be old men by the time we make it there oh go I know it's basic instincts but pressing the d-pad really really hard doesn't make you move any faster why is everybody dancing like a ballerina when they die oh they they just I mean why do you spin around when you die why is it God passing out it looks like he's having a seizure yeah that's a glitch what's the point of the bridge when you move just as slow as in the water they're good swimmers but there's slow his ass on the bridge they're bad Walker's gonna tank in the tank oh come on well I get the pink tank why do I get the baby blue tank those are great camouflage colors every time you think you're gonna get in the tank it explodes boom look there goes a tank boom there goes the tank and when you do get in the tank all it does is give you a false sense of invincibility you have to keep collecting these fuel canisters or else the tank runs out of gas and when it runs out of gas it explodes why would it explode if it runs out of gas does that make any sense to you not to me all right you want to get some beer but not particularly well if you drive I'll drink it I'm sure you will oh [ __ ] we forgot to get gas let me talk it's all empty Oh what do we do get a car go go go does this level ever end that's right we're still playing the first level you could beat contra in a time it takes you to beat one [ __ ] stage here sick of staring at the same terrain yeah it looks like we're walking on a giant chocolate chip cookie growing mold chocolate chip cookie that fell out of somebody's ass ha better better than someone's ass alright well this has to be the end once we get to the other side of this bridge nope oh my god it's still going on okay well will the boss once we defeat the boss that's got to be the end it's still going this is a [ __ ] marathon [Music] this is one level this is the longest level in videogame history check - something it just it just goes on and on and on and the [ __ ] music yeah you stop okay I've had enough of this I think I'm gonna blow my brains out just hang in there okay I don't think having two players is speeding this up at all Oh finally level two it's the same [ __ ] thing is it mean won't same terrain the music is the same I think I'm stuck you're not stuck stop fooling around get out of there I'm trying you're really stuck just just kill me I'm trying I just I'm trying to do no kill me for real wait wait if we just wait for one of these missiles to come there we go alright we're back in business now Oh oh [ __ ] Yuri spawned inside of another rock I've had it with this [ __ ] game I'm gonna blow my [ __ ] brains out a BBA oh [ __ ] yeah you're right having two players doesn't help much get me out of this couch you damn Nintendo dork yeah made it to level 3 and finally it looks different but the music's still the same anyway look so different it's like you stepped out of the jungle and into the twilight zone look at all the white chocolate bars and scrotum guns white chocolate bars and scrotum gods wait I don't remember the episode with the scrotum guns but the one with the gremlin on the wing was pretty good I'm stuck what's holding me back oh I get it it's the green pipes you can't walk through them but you could walk over the yellow pipes and the yellow pipes seem to be above the green pipe so the layout just doesn't make any sense that's because Mario goes through their green pipes oh so so Mario is going through there yeah well then who goes through the yellow pipes Luigi don't be stupid [ __ ] goes through there even the bad guys hover inside the walls anything goes with this game and look at these guys hiding inside barrels of flammable liquid if you're in a gun war would you hide inside a barrel a flammable liquid better than hiding behind a [ __ ] couch for all these goddamn years the layout of the stage is unsuitable for a tank you can't even use the tank look I'm stuck in the water tank in the water can't get out pink [ __ ] tank you can't shoot people who are up on the wall really I guess I'm gonna have to go through the doorway sounds pretty normal if you ask me yeah that's real fair it's not fair at all if you get the helicopter you'll be lucky you can keep it for two seconds that's a really bad rental the enemies explode now by the way spontaneous combustion a hidden bomb under the doorway that's real fair that kind of sucks it's just me or my bolts going through people I can't seem to hit anybody ah it's another shitty game well this my bolts are going right through them my bullets are going right through them look at this yeah the game of life a BB a it will bring you back today if you want it to be BA a BB a but we'll save you today it didn't save me now and bring you back apparently near the end of level 3 BB a BB a stops working didn't save him today ok so here's what we're gonna do first we're gonna use game genie to get infinite lives then we're gonna use a stage select code that way we can go back to level 3 and continue our [ __ ] game you can find the code in the classic book how to win it Nintendo now check out this code right before the title screen press up/down AAB left right a B up a down right right left B up left a right B left right a left up a down a right-left be select what were they thinking why is the code have to be so [ __ ] long and according to the book you have to punch it all in right before the title comes up up down AAB left right B a B up a down [ __ ] so I'm faster than greased lightning now I can pull off the whole code before the title screen comes up but turns out the book was wrong to really find out how to do the code you check out the VHS tape secret video game tricks codes and strategies yeah I used to rent this [ __ ] from the video store all the time anyway the real way to do the code is during the title screen not before it let's try again left left right left right left up a down a right left B and start so here we are back in level 3 we might be past the scrotum gun but I haven't forgotten because they are so hair this where did the hair go oh where did the hair go where did the hair go where did the hair go oh [ __ ] I'm stuck I'm barricaded by all these green pipes that means I have no choice but to reset the game and put the code in again ooh red carpet I smell boss oh okay I guess I'm at the final boss and it's a dead guy shouldn't be on a desk dead guy behind a desk looks so did okay he's even better now because I just blew him into oblivion but now what do I do what am I supposed to go according to this book you have to bomb the floor in a staircase appears bomb the floor in a staircase appears yeah that's really great how the [ __ ] would anybody figure that out alright just bombing the floor here I'm gonna throw up I'm on the floor and all the missiles are coming down I'm in the floor bombing the floor let a guy look for a staircase in peace mom enough door popping up door all right there we go floors bombed and level four really is just the last stage this says it is all right classic instead of many stages offering lots of variety just have four really long boring a stages guys dancing around got stuck in the walls tanks getting blown up pink fortress [ __ ] Rambow commando where are you when I need you your [ __ ] you're stuck in the wall again guys dancing around wearing pink suits and baby blue sky suits I just want to ask you the [ __ ] is wrong with you who picked out your outfit anyway the last stage is hardest [ __ ] I hate these guys who swim underwater you can't shoot them when they're submerged and they're too fast to outrun where these human beings are [ __ ] torpedoes throw milk at them just try might work also they run over the islands like it's nothing but if I try to do that look how slow I am and if you go under a doorway you can count on there being a bomb there that's real fair look look at this I'm gonna go through the door wait how much you want to bet there's gonna be a bomb there let's see here comes here comes boom see some days you just can't get rid of a bomb these pink [ __ ] tanks they're making love to all the scrotum guns it's a different part in the game you haven't noticed it yet but it's a level that's hidden just trust me don't question me I live behind the couch I live behind the couch and now I'm back in front of the couch and I saw scrotum guns and the hair is where did the hair go sing it with me where did the hair go I asked Lambo commando Rambo commando where did their hair go now here's the real final boss just some weird robot face on a wall looks like Skeletor is cousin or something you just throw a few grenades at it and that's it there you have a khari warriors beat the game congratulations nerd now let's see how bad this ending sucks you have accomplished the mission you are the very prevalent that predict right and Justin I would express my sincere thanks to you take good West General Kawasaki get back round the couch the Angry Video Game Nerd [Music] but I never forget them they just look - hairless to me where did the hair go in the quarry where did the hair go [Music] he's gonna take you back to the man [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] the angry video game nerd [Music] what happens when you take a movie turn it into a show and then turn it into a game well let's take a look at the case of the toxic avenger it was a movie by Troma entertainment full of violence and bloodshed people's intestines being ripped out a child's head being run over by a car and tits it was low class it was foul it was despicable and it was [ __ ] great so what do you do with the movie like that well turned into a children's cartoon show of course the toxic Crusaders then there were comic books there were toys and video games how do you think those games were huh you think they were good yeah they sucked these games were more vile than the toxic waste that spawn Toxie himself and that's what happens when you go from a hit to [ __ ] what about Lloyd Kaufman creator the toxic avenger what would he think well guess what he's sitting here right next to me you greetings from Tromaville Lloyd Kaufman from [ __ ] Troma is here this is the first time we've had a creator here in the room and Lloyd Kaufman is one of my favorite directors nerd how about you yeah uh-huh we got some filth here that you got to try out because you just need to feel the pain and suffering of every child in the early 90s inadvertently caused by your creation I do it got a slow motion I can't Oh regular speed oh I do this all the time you have to feel the torture all right actually I'm a sadomasochists oh no problem that works out first up the toxic Crusader's Gameboy game wow this is so exciting I love this it's just an average side-scrolling shooter there's not much to say you play as characters from the show firing off Sonic's knots or throwing microscopes at people who the hell throws microscopes and their nerd herd that is not a microscope that is actually a replica of Taylor Swift and that's the thing with Troma we are movies of the future we we anticipate the maggot I see it actually no I don't see it how do you like this part when you go down the hill you get all jittery but there's a delay look the downhill thing is very symbolic it's all downhill just like my career how do you like the graphics the backgrounds are full of trash cans and toilets sums up this game perfectly what you don't know notice they cut out the best part of these backgrounds we had come rags we had used tampons and those toilets themselves came directly from the set of Steven Spielberg's AI we got a good deal I take it he doesn't like AI I love AI look at those toilets okay so maybe you can explain this what is dripping out of the tree nerd that's called subtlety in that tree has TRO me the nuclear Roden he's got diarrhea God come on man get with it now I know okay so maybe you could tell me what's going on with the clouds here and the other cloud that's pissing on you what's going on there and have different cloud than the other ones please leave my personal life out of this this is a historic this is the first use in a video game of a golden shower until the American and Ashley Olsen twins video games I have not played those maybe I'll have to try them now talk about why it's always got to be bad these aren't bad snotty these are cats with wings when I was in teenager in Tijuana I had some [ __ ] with wings and and and that's what this is all about man yeah how do you like this world 2-4 world 2-5 and we're still going and it's a portable console you could beat Super Mario Land in the time what are you talking about you want something that take a long time to beat would take me a long time to beat off to Justin Bieber man is a long time and long my penis is pretty damn long right now and I'm I'm not even blessed look at all the Z's on the fence that's exactly how I feel and when I play this game like going asleep well that was the gameboy version just a warm-up now let's try the Sega Genesis version the first stage really drops you off with the bang a car continuously runs you over let me come on run me over head crushing just like Toxie the movie sea Crusaders toxic crew yeah dad I'll take over well as you can tell it's just another beat'em up game so what do you think of that chopper why is it have so many colors well a chopper is made out of a time man and it's tie-dyed that's why it is those many colors what about the music couldn't they have something a little more upbeat and action-packed I love it I love it I makes me wanna strip nerd I want to take my clothes oh okay okay I love this music come on I died when I touch water why would water kill Toxie you gotta admit that's pretty [ __ ] up Toxie is the great-great granddaughter of the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz who as you remember dissolved when water touched her having fun back yeah yeah yeah maybe he's so dirty that water kills him because it cleans him put then again he's got the mop and he's all about cleaning and his catchphrase in the game is its cleanup time so really he's just a big contradiction of himself you used the word dick and I don't think that's very polite yin and yang right dirt and clean they are together in the yin-yang symbol very profound this is the trouble you know you need that old drunk I mean you need an old older mature man like me to explain this to you yes this game is very psychological Freud you you know what Freud this game you know what's really annoying is this yellow pac-man ball sack that's always bouncing around following Toxie why do you need that you could whack it every now and then with the mob that's blobby man that's blobby toxie's pet he's very important and and by the way a little film factor behind the scenes you know how we made blobby for the movie we took my ballsack we made a cast of my ball sack and and we got blobby I did pull off my pubic hair which was very painful but you folks out there and video land can make your own damn blobbies and you can be just like George Lucas so lemon Burger King oh I hate these parts where you keep falling off you better watch out no you're gonna have a second pistol hmm there's no way to know what's ahead of you sure there is get jump and you're dying I want to blow my [ __ ] brains out you know what I mean so that's the gist but now on to our feature presentation if you took all the things that were bad about the gameboy version and the genesis version threw them together into one big vat of toxic waste out would come the NES version oh yeah and it is toxic yeah now man's glitch enough gotta blow the dust out here blow it this game already blows you know you know nerd I've got some dust in my [ __ ] could you blow it out just just for about 30 seconds I would really help the game oh [ __ ] Toxie looks just like Raphael with the headband yeah you know you're right he does and in fact Raphael did wear a headband when he and Tintoretto where we're going paint shopping and in fact the Vinci sold him the headbands they're all three of them wore them it was really very nice in the Renaissance your only weapon is the mop and you'll lose it after getting hit once since this is a beat em up game your average time before you get hit is about 1.2 seconds first thing that happens you start the game whoosh there goes the mop whoosh there goes the mob wait Nike goes swoosh you didn't complain about that right whoosh what's wrong with a little whoosh daddy loves whoosh whoosh warmus over history think of yourself as a bad guy you get hit a couple of times and you are death de d-dead so think about that huh never thought that but fuck'em why even give you the mop at all it doesn't do anything special anyway it's not like the sword and Zelda that shoots until you get hit the first time no the mop is just another basic short-range attack you know and for a guy whose motto is it's cleanup time he sure doesn't clean up much look at all that waste he leaves lying around what he expected he doesn't have his mop that's right [Music] wait-wait-wait-wait toxic waste kills them now first water but now toxic waste too by the way speaking of toxic waste you want to have some irritable bowels watch the view I like how the music on the NES version is better than the 16-bit genesis version it's much more lively oh yeah well it's it's the theme song from toxic avenger part 2 why is the attack so weak our is there anything else you can do is there any stronger attack like to just try mashing buttons this select button is working great look at this are you kidding me yeah let me see that let me see that the select button is the stronger attack you sound like you might have a selection so there's no reason to ever use the B button why would you do that well I would use it if I want to kill people slower yeah in other words if you're an idiot well B is for bozo but now with all seriousness there's one time when you'll use the be fun that's before you find out about the select button who uses a select button there is no other game that does that the jump button and attack button should be right next to each other but instead you have to hop your thumb back and forth well you don't have a mutated hand maybe that would help Oh see that that's me accidentally hitting the [ __ ] pause button because I have to reach all the way across the controller or you spread your fingers out like this you got to do this but what game does that when would you ever go like this come on it's the mark of the devil yeah this game is the devil egg come on one in the pink and one in the stink if you want to smell whoever came up with the idea hitting select for attack and suck the piss out of a platypuses penis very good alliteration boy but I prefer sucking and helps penis why don't you say L for elk both okay never mind at the same time at whatever it's only the 111th [ __ ] episode the big problem with this game is that it's just too hard I'd be ghosts and goblins why can't I do this [ __ ] the bad guys they just keep coming and the thing I hate about beat them up games like this is that you have to kill everybody you see the screen stops moving until you clear all the enemies it's not like in kung fu where you can just keep moving ahead and fight them at your own pace it wouldn't be such a problem if the entire floor wasn't covered in toxic waste at these awkward diagonal slants so your jumping has to be very precise [Music] what ass huh right here you you get a try me try come on [ __ ] jumpin Jesus on a [ __ ] pogo stick we we duty and that's what happens when you go from the movie to the show to the game it's like putting a golden egg up on a mountain of [ __ ] and then you roll it down and it gets shittier and shittier and shittier by the time it gets to the bottom it ain't the same and look that's your name on it that's your name on this game I spin on my name wait please please what you created that's great got transformed into a mutated anomaly that would make the Pope weep we made a mockery of your [ __ ] man what are you gonna do about it what am I gonna do about it we're only gonna do a little bit I'm gonna [ __ ] on this I'm gonna take a huge dump here I go and I had baked beans for dinner you weren't [ __ ] you shitty [ __ ] game well here it comes here come [Music] he'll teach you you [ __ ] game what happens when you take an 80s comedy film like Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure and turn it into an NES game two guys are struggling to pass their history course so they go back in time in a phone booth to get the aid of famous historical figures it's dumb but it's great entertainment and a video game adaptation seemed like a good idea it had fun characters time travel and adventure so how could you [ __ ] it up you want to know that's how [Music] yeah like almost every movie adaptation on the NES it was made by LJN the Masters of [ __ ] the unholy rainbow stamp of death the plot of the game is that rebels have gone back in time taken famous historical figures and put them in different time periods the goal is to find them all and put them back in their correct time periods who are these time rebels and why they want to do this well guess what they're never referred to again yeah they're just for your imagination man would it be funny if we put Thomas Edison in ancient Egypt galileo in the Jurassic period oh we're [ __ ] well the reason you're trying to return these historical dudes to their proper times is to prevent history from being altered specifically to keep their rock band together the wild stallions really that's the whole big deal not to prevent some major catastrophe but instead a [ __ ] concert the first thing that happens when you start the game you're given a phone book with numbers for the historical dudes if you try calling any of these people nothing happens nothing any of these people would have phone numbers anyway there's no in-game instructions no you're left on your own to figure this out like good luck [ __ ] oh look there's a blinking red number under the number I guess I'm supposed to call that huh thanks for making me flip through all those [ __ ] pages next thing you're in what they call a time circuit where you have to shoot the phone booth across all the digits of the phone number you're trying to call you think they over thought this a little how about just a cutscene showing the phone booth spiraling into a time warp again there's no instructions I assume I'm supposed to go hit all the digits in order and that pink ring is to help guide the phone booth I'm just guessing here what's the point of this why can't you just start the game couldn't you just dial the number and go straight to the stage and speaking of that what's the point of dialing the number how about just select the page with the person you're trying to get to but that doesn't matter either because Rembrandt's always the first one that lets you call why could it be like the Megaman games where you can play whatever stage you won here everything has to be done in the order of the game wants you to so all this page turning dialing and time circuit [ __ ] has no purpose whatsoever wait it's automatic you just do nothing yeah if you wait long enough the phone booth will go through the circuits on its own the drawback if you let it do that it costs coins if you run out of coins you're far past [ __ ] the game is over so you obviously want to save as many as possible that's the only advantage to blasting yourself outside the circuits free time travel in the later stages the time circuits get harder you have to avoid the skulls because they take your coins and where's the rest of the circuits by the way isn't there supposed to be one more digit where is it you gotta be kidding me it's all the way out there who would know to do that and that's not cryptic enough you have to hit one of the pink skulls one of them takes your coins the other one makes the last digit appear so it's a 50% chance you'll get the right one that is some supreme [ __ ] once you finally get to the real game you'll notice how much grade-a ass suckage you're in for get ready for this [ __ ] but first the basics as you notice they attempted a three dimensional world I have to give it to them it was kind of ambitious to do on the NES but you're still stuck to moving at 90-degree angles you play as either bill or Ted they don't interact on screen together which is pretty shitty for a game with such a recognizable duo so we're looking for Rembrandt and you know what I dare to say they missed the opportunity to make this an educational game it didn't have to go overboard I could have still been an action-adventure game with some informative elements it's all about finding the historical dude but there's no aspect of the game where you return them to where they belong wouldn't it be nice if they at least had a little description in there to tell you who Rembrandt is instead of just as [ __ ] phone number and all these time periods are so vague they're mostly just graphical redesigns of the same stage over and over again they don't tell us where or when any of this is supposed to be there's games that are educational but suck as a game but this game just sucks both ways where'd the music go I [ __ ] you not every time you start the game the music lasts for 30 seconds then stops [Music] I'm not complaining too much because the music is ass but why they didn't know how to program it to loop the rest of the sound effects are no more advanced than what you'd hear on the Atari 2600 there's mainly two sounds jumping and falling on your ass get used to those two sound effects that's most of what you'll ever hear back to the controls check out this crap you can never see where you're going because you're always waiting for the screen to catch up classic to gear diarrhea instead of giving you freedom to walk around you have to follow the path apparently Ted can't walk on grass you can't even get near the side of the path if you cut the corner too sharp you get stuck and it takes you on the most indirect route possible oh [ __ ] if you jump into the green you're stuck as a dog turd on a hot summer sidewalk you have to keep hopping until you get out it's like trying to get out of a sand trap on a golf course and with those jump sound effects it really reminds me of NES golf [Music] come on come on ah [ __ ] this is among the most annoying things in video gaming history this is like the [ __ ] bombs in dr. Jekyll mr. Hyde the narrow jumps and Ninja Turtles the snipers and Dick Tracy the stairs and Ghostbusters the pits and he though oh but sometimes it lets you walk on the green yeah sometimes it's one of those games that keeps changing the [ __ ] rules what happened here where'd I go hmm I found some kind of glitch the enemies are just random guys some of them take your coins and some of them take you to the dungeon the people who stand still help you out they give you coins or better yet weapons that really helped all the weapons have the same range they just fly about 10 miles away there's no straight attack how about give me a crossbow or something no you know what you're using you know what this weapon is it's a textbook a [ __ ] textbook that explodes by the way this won't change history at all let's go around blowing people up let's kill some ancestors that's real great as long as it doesn't affect the wild stallions concert when they come back to the present it's gonna be some kind of Planet of the Apes [ __ ] they're gonna be playing to an audience full of intelligent sloths another item you can get as an audio cassette I love how the night casually says Bill asked me to give you this audio cassette as if the night would have any idea what that is what does it do it plays music and makes everybody dance it's real helpful especially since you don't even need a cassette player just throw the cassette on the ground hey want to listen to some tunes so where is Rembrandt you can explore this whole lands but you won't find him anywhere that's because you need to lure him out with bait what is he a [ __ ] fish the bait can be any random object there's four of them hidden on each stage one of them will make Rembrandt appear in one of the random houses how do you find this bait you want to know guess what by jumping into things this game treats you like an idiot like hey kids you want to play in Bill and Ted game well here you go go jumping around and the [ __ ] bushes and fences that'll keep you busy have fun there's no shortcut around it you have to roam the entire stage jumping into everything and I mean everything there's people who give you clues sometimes it's as simple as going up and talking to them other times you have to select your own responses the right answer will lead to another thing you have to respond to and then another then and you just get stuck in this whole dialogue tree I hate this [ __ ] all the answers are the same surfer lingo [ __ ] how are you supposed to know which is the right answer also you have to use a to switch through responses and B to select the response you want how about just left or right and then the button to select because the first time playing you'll never know if it's a or B so you always end up selecting something that you don't want it's trial and error and it's not intuitive at all when you do get a clue it's always something vague like look for something strange in a tree or look near the crossroads that really helps near the crossroads which [ __ ] crossroads this is Castlevania to Zelda to [ __ ] and I love that when they use directions like north and south the game is slanted at a 45-degree angle which way is south how about a compass how about a map how about anything oh that's nice I'm stuck is this where the scenery runs out then there's all these open doors that you can't go in that's another peeve of mine if you can't go in the door don't have a door there at least make the door close it's a psychological tease I hate games that do that [ __ ] the townspeople [ __ ] not knowing where to go I'm gonna get the power Nintendo Power [Music] [Music] well it helps to visualize the layout of the stage but where's the starting point I'd like to know where I am you know what that's because the game always starts you somewhere different you can control where it starts you when the time circuit finishes you're supposed to hold up or down or some [ __ ] I don't know I don't [ __ ] know then there's certain doors that act as warp zones and transport you somewhere else the magazine doesn't tell me that either nor does it tell me where the historical dudes are I know they appear in random houses but there's probably a few different designated spots for the bait it just gives you a circle showing the vague area where they are not the exact bush or fence this is one instance when Nintendo Power just didn't bother because the game was too shitty at least I have an idea where to look now nice I found something by looking at the magazine you may call that cheating but the game doesn't even play by its own rules Bill and Ted were the ultimate cheaters what have we learned from the movie if you're failing your history course but happen to have access to a time machine bring the history to the classroom if that happened in real life would the teacher give them an automatic a or say yeah that's pretty amazing you brought Abe Lincoln here but you still got to pass the test I finally found Rembrandt and for one dialogue box you have to hit B instead of a again changing the rules around you have to choose which item to give them there's only one correct choice let's say I give them the skull that's the wrong one so I have to start over the correct item is supposed to be something that would belong to this historical figure and here's where the game could have been somewhat educational but instead it's a joke for example for Julius Caesar you're supposed to give him salad dressing her or her for Thomas Edison you're supposed to give him a compact disc yeah let's not change history by the way for Cleopatra a credit card for Elvis a gravestone here you go Elvis here's your [ __ ] gravestone you're gonna die for King Arthur the Holy Grail yeah entire stories have been written about finding the Holy Grail you're gonna find it by casually slamming into a bush or a fence just a little side quest for Jesse James and Uzi you're gonna give Jesse James a [ __ ] Uzi you're gonna give a notorious outlaw a more contemporary weapon yeah just help him out might as well give I don't know Vlad tepish and Adam Bomb anyway I give Rembrandt the paint roller and he says let's party that's exactly what he'd say he also mentions that he'll pay for the call of course here's some coins for your phone booth time machine from the future and now we have to go through the damn time circuits again my coins ran out didn't that [ __ ] say he was gonna pay oh great I have to roam around this [ __ ] stage again looking for coins I've had enough losing my faith in the NES library was there any quality control here you know that seal quality did that mean anything did anyone look at these games before they dumped them in the back every KB's and Toys R Us how many these games are worthless all the LJN ones I can tell you that but there are good games here there are cells Oh Mario Metroid contra Castlevania Megaman but then a big [ __ ] shitstorm headed a shitstorm horrible games and at the middle of it all a rainbow a rainbow of [ __ ] LJN and Bill and Ted might even be the worst LJN game on the NES it doesn't just have some flaws there's no good and bad this game is all bad like I'm impressed how did they do it how did they make it so bad bad doesn't even describe it it's disgraceful it's putrid in fact I looked up the word future in the dictionary there's no definition it's just a picture of Bill and Ted on NES curse this [ __ ] game curse the plastic that encases this dung heap literally it's a plastic shell filled with [ __ ] it's [ __ ] [ __ ] it's its ass it's garbage and that's it goodnight oh wait I forgot to mention as a matter of fact it also sucks a monkey [ __ ] and it's a worthless pitiful pile of snot dripping pus bubbling wet steaming mountain of Buffalo but dump Ahmir descriptions can't even describe the inane lack of common sense that even a child would possess when making a game with chalk on the sidewalk I can't even come up with a description that's foul and disgusting enough to even come close to this rancid abomination can't describe it I'm done for real this time this Jam is diarrhea coming out of an old woman's bleeding vagina it's [ __ ] terrible what were they thinking I know they weren't thinking [Music] remember back when I first warned you about the horrors of dr. Jekyll and mr. Hyde on NES well there were a few other games I mentioned there they're just you know rare obscure games like you know Mick kids or taxman or whatever what the hell is taxman I don't even know what the hell I was talking about I had too much to drink what I meant to say was Wall Street kid a game about the stock market who would ever want to play a game like that but it just so happens by some [ __ ] coincidence there actually is a game called taxman for the Apple 2 computer I've heard that there's nothing much to this game it's just a pac-man clone I figure that probably means that it's a game that's very similar to pac-man I was wrong by clone they meant an exact copy it's pac-man have you played pac-man then you play taxman without even knowing it but that's not what I'm here to talk about I'm here to talk about something that I've feared since the beginning there's little Tiger like electronic wrist games those are better than dr. Jekyll mr. Hyde have we gotten to that point now is it time to scrape the bottom of the toilet bowl of the whole videogame industry yeah it's time to talk about tiger games since the advent of video games the idea of portable games was a novel concept like the Nintendo Game & Watch series everybody liked the idea of being able to bring a game with you wherever you go there were many examples but none so common as the tiger handheld games they used the most primitive technology possible the graphics if you could even call them graphics work like this the background is a fixed image that's printed onto the console in front of that is a clear screen kind of like an animation cell with a bunch of static images that represent all the characters and objects when the game plays these images light up individually to simulate the illusion of movement it's sort of like a calculator or a digital watch I can't think of a more crude way to make a videogame of course you don't need technology to make a good game but these were all ungodly but that didn't stop these games from flooding the market they were everywhere and everybody bought them everybody I knew had at least one of these things on the school bus people were playing them at lunch time everybody was swapping him around and playing each other's games it was like chickenpox we all got it it was the cheapest option for a handheld game you could find them at any store they were convenient for birthday presents and each one was its own individual game you didn't need to get any other game cartridges to play on them and all you needed was two double-a batteries the game boy on the other hand was more expensive needed for double-a batteries and you'd still need to buy games for it Tiger was like the poverty version for a lot of us it was either this or nothing and nobody minded these things brainwashed us they had colorful artwork that looked way better than the [ __ ] that came on inside the screen it somehow gave you the impression that you were holding an arcade machine in your hands the commercials made them look awesome but really they were garbage these games were so mass-produced it was like a swarm of mosquitoes sucking our blood and we all got bit the most shameless part of it is that these games tried to be more than what they were with this kind of technology it could have stuck to solitaire or video poker but no they took it all the way and adapted action-adventure games they took Konami games Capcom games Sega games like altered beast shinobi and Sonic the Hedgehog any video game franchise ended up butchered on one of these things any licensed product movies TV shows this tiger got its claws on everything when you adapt a well-known game everybody knows what the real game is supposed to be like you have something to compare it to the difference is night and day but hey the idea of playing Mega Man 2 on the go why not Mega Man using a gun instead of his arm cannon sure I guess somebody just looked at the atrocious cover to the original Mega Man and thought okay he's got a gun put it in the game and how about running out of ammo have you ever wanted to play a Mega Man game where you can run out of ammo well this is it Street Fighter 2 really first you have the arcade then you have the home console versions then you have the gameboy version and then at the very bottom you have the tiger version the only thing less than that will be using your imagination or playing the board game but even that was better how about the TV shows like dinosaurs listen to that awful music [Music] remember that [ __ ] about full house that's right full house the tiger game he plays Michelle I think going around slapping high-fives while fighting against inanimate objects apparently everything in the Tanner household came alive and is trying to kill you personally I prefer the Super Nintendo version of Full House tournament fighter [Music] for games that are so basic you'd think they'd be easy to pick up and play but many of them I can't even figure out what you're supposed to do I just mash buttons and wait for something to happen a game this simple should not need an instruction manual some of them I wonder if they're defective in the bowling game I haven't even been able to hit one pin the ball goes straight for the pins then it disappears what is happening the controls a lot of times our counter intuitive anybody who's played a video game knows that the d-pad controls your movement and the buttons perform actions with Tiger games anything goes in Castlevania to the whip is up or down on the d-pad while the buttons on the right are jump up a jump right and the sword which is actually a throwing dagger by the way chippendales Rescue Rangers had jump and pick on the left and on the right to move it's just one big button that says forward every one of these games had some kind of quirky control when they should have just emulated what's on an NES controller half of these games the controls barely work at all because they're so fragile and don't age well another thing I hate about them is that they're hard to record it's almost impossible to see the objects on the screen without careful lighting and the glare makes it even worse so there's nothing good about these games in 1989 at the Nintendo Game Boy hit the scene it revolutionized portable gaming yea the games were black and white there was no backlight and the screen was still hard to see but the games were like real games it was closer to having a mobile NES you'd think this would be the tiger killer but no other game companies like Konami released a lot of their own games on handheld devices like this but most of them died out when Gameboy became popular Tiger on the other hand continued well into the 90s in fact I remember these things being more common in the 90s than ever they were pouring obsolete games into sors and we were still buying them they wouldn't die off they were like cockroaches by giving people a cheap alternative they managed to coexist with the Game Boy yeah this tiger sure rose up to the challenge of its rivals had the guts got the glory went the distance now it's not going to stop it's literally a survivor there's a difference between something that's old-school and something that's outdated old-school is like Atari 2600 the games are primitive but they're still fun to play you can always go back to them outdated is something you never want to go back to tiger games are so outdated they were never in dated they were a fad like pogs if they were an experiment in the 70s and they only made a few of them then I could accept that but no they milk these things for all that they're worth you thought LJN was the grand champion the almighty shitty game factory tiger put LJN to shame yeah LJN laid down turn after turn after turn but tiger was like a machine gun ass [ __ ] out to the desert these are the worst games I ever had the honor of playing if you even count them as video games people have discussions like are video games art or something like that why the better one our Tiger games video games these are a cave man's version of video games these were a step back in human evolution these are the most desperate attempt that entertainment you could save up for a Game Boy or just go yeah well just what the hell these these things Howard they waste so much plastic to make these things it brought the game industry down as low as it could go it's proof that Jesus died in vain and legally changed his middle name the [ __ ] the only thing I could think of to use these things for is to wipe your ass with it you might as well save that toilet paper it's worth a whole lot more I'm not done Am I oh no I've actually gotten to this point it's time to talk about the wrist games what the ass talk about desperate I'd have more fun setting the time on a digital watch this is shits for the birds now check this out Batman Returns the wrist game hold boy wait I can't get it open good hate this [ __ ] you know no it's [ __ ] you know what's [ __ ] packaging that you need scissors to open even with the scissors it's still a pain in the ass why is this plastic so [ __ ] strong this stuff is bulletproof nobody wants this [ __ ] so why they do it they use it on everything this kind of packaging should be outlawed why does it still exist I especially love when you buy scissors and you need scissors to open the scissors what [ __ ] idiots think this is a good idea they don't care by the time you're having this problem you already bought it packaging like this is [ __ ] thanks [ __ ] man wow look at how badass this game is yeah this is the hot [ __ ] right here you'd be so cool going around wearing this thing yeah you'd be walking around school and you got this on and everybody else is talking about what the new hot game system is gonna be Nintendo 64 the bit Wars 64 bits 32 bits 16 bits eight bits four bits two bits one bed half bed corner bed rest [Music] you thought that was it for Tiger huh handheld games wrist games Tiger pokey that's not enough well how about a whole [ __ ] tiger game console in 1997 this was Tiger's belated answer to the Game Boy you'd think it was called the game.com but it's actually the game calm this thing tried to be a hip and cutting-edge it had a stylus pen making it the first touchscreen game console and PDA features like a phone book a calendar a calculator and a built-in solitaire game you could even connect a dial-up modem to it to access the internet text only I don't believe it myself imagine reading your email on this thing and you'd have to hook it up to a modem so you couldn't leave your house anyway why not just use a computer it was supported by cartridge games the game included with the system was a mediocre puzzle game called lights-out where the objects that turn out all the lights beyond that it was a bunch of shitty ports like Mortal Kombat trilogy I don't see scorpion or sub-zero trust me they're not there there's rain and reptile how could you have a Mortal Kombat game without scorpion or sub-zero and who would want to play this on a crappy black-and-white portable console anyway then there's duke nukem at least the voice sounds pretty good then there's a Batman and Robin game every time Batman gets hit sounds like he just got done taking a big dump then there's the lost world Jurassic Park isn't it always fun to dodge things that come from be then there's Resident Evil 2 the same thing happens to me when I tried to play the real Resident Evil 2 you get about three seconds to figure out the control and a zombie latches itself on to you and kills you great why they have to start you right next to the zombie can I get a chance turning yourself around is like waiting for a minute hand on a clock finally I got him so that's the game comm needless to say it flopped especially with Nintendo dominating the portable gaming market so hey why not just follow whatever Nintendo's doing that mentality is what brought us when I think so far is the worst video game console I have ever played the R zone this is basically a shitty version of the Virtual Boy yes I said that as if the Virtual Boy isn't already shitty enough just look at it what planet did this thing come from here's how it works you take the game cartridge you slide it into the system then the screen lights up then you strap the thing on your head and that's one thing I have to give it credit for is that they actually fought to have a head strap anyway the image gets projected right here there's supposed to be a piece of reflective plastic it's missing but you can use almost anything so you put it there and then it projects the game right there and keep in mind this is portable so you'd be going around public like hey guys how you doing I'm just playing a game here just when you thought the most sorry pathetic excuse for a video game was the Tiger wrist games Oh No imagine playing one of these up close to your eye in red and black good lord you thought I was kidding but it's true this actually happened unlike the Virtual Boy which causes eye strain and headaches with minutes this thing does it immediately having it over one I meant you had to go cross-eyed to look at it or cover the other eye by the way the game itself sucks just as much as the other Tiger games thought you could turn around yeah right I love how the advertisements always show a kid playing it look at his expression he's horrified and in the commercial the kids screaming in agony you better not Wars into the R zone was this thing intended as a torture device what made them think this was a good idea they did it because Nintendo did it it couldn't have been a coincidence both systems came out in 95 Tiger saw what Nintendo was doing and thought that's the new hot ticket see red and black video games that you play close to your eye if it was blue and black I'm sure it would have been the same thing the original idea of the Virtual Boy so I thought was to emulate virtual reality to make you feel like you're really there well the R zone got as far away from that idea as possible it's so far removed from common sense that it's baffling what were they thinking with this shitload of [ __ ] I know what I'm thinking I might carve a giraffe out of wood and decorated with Christmas lights so I can put it up in an albatross nest did you expect me to say that probably not neither would you expect this crazy idea of a video game case closed it sucks [Music] it's the Halloween season again and I can't miss the occasion to celebrate by torturing myself with another asinine game alien 3 on NES based on the movie the first movie alien was like a slasher film set in outer space the second movie aliens brought the action genre into the mix and gave it a wider mass appeal it made a huge impact on not only film but video games the concept of shooting down hostile aliens and fighting for survival was perfect for video game adaptations it's no wonder why so many games like contra and Metroid were influenced by the alien movies art style and their feelings of solitude confinement and claustrophobia can you even count how many games blatantly ripped these movies off the first two alien movies were masterpieces but the one we got on NES was the bastard sequel the unholy three that had mixed reactions some people like it some people don't it's not a terrible movie but it's not great either but you know I'm not gonna get all into it right now monster badness so let's take a look at the game is this good enough for Halloween I mean alien 3 is a horror movie is this scary enough okay now it just got [ __ ] scary if you play this the first problem you'll notice is that the buttons are switched around B makes Ripley jump and a makes her fire the gun that's not the way it's supposed to be ever play Mario Megaman any real game this is shoot this is jump everybody knows that just like Nintendo taught us the letter B comes before a wheel no fees before hey except when they mess with their minds make a before B who would put a before B you can never predict when the aliens are gonna pop out it requires split second reaction time it's one of those games where you have only two speeds stand still and fastest ass classic to gear diarrhea where the screen is always trying to catch up you have all this room over here why could they keep Ripley in the center so the whole game you're running headlong into that unforeseeable void on the edge of your TV screen it's like sticking your dick in a glory hole without knowing what's on the other side did that analogy make any sense whatever I just compared a glory hole to an NES game and you can't shoot the aliens until they're on the screen yep if it's outta sight it doesn't exist you could just keep firing your gun non-stop that'll solve the problem temporarily but as soon as you run out of ammo you're far past [ __ ] yeah you can run out of ammo that sure sucks but hey you know how much ammo is in the movie none Wow they followed the movie pretty well remember Ripley was on a prison planet where there were no guns to fight the alien and that's right I said alien there's only one this game has as much to do with the movie as the space hunter nebula M has to do with Lake Titicaca if they wanted to make an alien game why could they take as much influence from the movie as all the non alien han ES games did now look I know that if the game had only one Aling and no weapons you'd be bored pretty quickly and begging for a deck of cards might I say that maybe this was perhaps not the best Alien movie to make a video game out of the first two movies never had an NES game why didn't they make those well I don't know why they didn't make a lien or aliens but I do know why they made a lien three and that was because it was new the game was nothing more than an advertisement for the movie and how shameless is that to do something to promote something else monster madness it served its purpose back then but has no significance today it's like a time capsule of 1992 one that should have been left floating out in the void of 8-bit space where hopefully land on a prison planet of other bad games but no I define the capsule and open it up like thawing a frozen dog turd want to play a better alien game that still holds up alien trilogy on PlayStation are these face huggers it looks so funky the face huggers in super contra looked more like the ones from the movie and that wasn't even an alien game here they look like I don't know thing from Addams Family dragging a dildo just another addition in this game Museum of anomalies Ripley's Believe It Or go [ __ ] yourself the goal is to rescue all the prisoners and then head to the end of the stage okay I think I got everybody I'm going to the end almost there here we go oh [ __ ] that's the barricade meaning I didn't get all the prisoners gotta go back what a time limit yeah there's a time limit and it's just barely enough so you have to be very familiar with the layout of the stage there's dead ends everywhere just a waste your time wouldn't it be nice if there are some arrows showing you the way or just a simple map screen this game does not hold your hand instead it reaches down grabs your dick and jerks you around I promise that's my last dick joke when you pause the game the music doesn't stop that really ties my dick in a knot okay now I promise don't work [ __ ] around one thing I have to admit the music is pretty good [Music] but it doesn't make up for all the shitty rules why can't you jump off a ladder ah what happened I thought these were stairs no they're just blue balls huh what was I thinking stairs they'll beat you around like pinball flippers I thought it was playing alien not Ripley pinball then there's all the items you can't get what's the deal it's too high to jump and there's nothing above it you can descend from the game put that there as a tease yeah you want that yeah you want that you want that yeah yeah [ __ ] you you're not getting it you can't go in the doors either it's just part of the graphics there's no reason to have a door there if you can't go in the background did not need a door if that door wasn't there would you be confused would you be wondering oh gee where am I is this supposed to be a jungle or something no this couldn't have been an artistic decision they put it there to piss you off doesn't it bother you not knowing what's on the other side of that door I know what it's this game's mom bent over getting [ __ ] alright I got all the prisoners oh wait did I get the guy over by the third ladder between the blue platforms I don't know this game's like a memory test you need a notepad handy oh [ __ ] there does the time limit again game over three lives no continues if you make it to the second stage it looks just like the first don't expect much variety if you make it all the way to the end of the game this is what you get as Ripley leaves fury 161 she turns back one last time did they see the movie she never leaves the planet she drops herself into the fire and dies as the last alien hatches out of her chest it's the thing anybody would remember best from the movie then the credits start quality ass quality ass that sums up the whole thing there is no quality assurance with this shitload of [ __ ] this game is as much fun as a witch's [ __ ] it's a shame that there was never a good alien game on NES oh wait actually I take it back there were some good alien games on NES they're called contra and Metroid yeah you know it's not the worst LJN game i have to say nor is it even that bad of an NES game it's playable as much as the movie is watchable huh maybe that's what they're going for in that sense they got it right it may not be a pile of go puke smothered in buffalo diarrhea it's just a pile of go puke hold the buffalo diarrhea I don't even know if buffalos get diarrhea but it pains me to know that there's still more LJN games out there and I just can't take it I can't [ __ ] take it anymore Oh see all the alien movie reviews on cinemassacre comm part of monster madness Halloween marathon 31 horror movie reviews all month long he's gonna take you back to the past [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] the angry atari sega nerd the angry video game nerd [Music] you know there's been many games based on the Angry Video Game Nerd which is me yeah all these years while I've been busy playing shitty games people been making games about myself there's been so many games about me I can't even keep up unlike the majority of games I ripped apart these ones were made by independent game developers usually single-handedly all by themselves and hopefully they will have growing careers and aspire to make better games than a whole company of laugh and joke and numbnuts ever could another thing that makes these games different from the games I usually play is that I have to play them on a computer well anyway the first AVGN game we're gonna look at is the angry video game by Eric Ruth this was the first AVGN game that ever came to my attention back in 2008 you might be wondering what took me so long to get around to it well the answer is simple that's how long it took to load it on my Commodore 64 that wasn't me talking that was the game my voice is in this game Stage one rock and roll city ready I sure AM here we go that's me throwing beer bottles I have to admit I've done that before but if I had that many beers I wouldn't throw him I drink them then again I've never been on a rooftop getting attacked by scrotum cannons blimps dropping bombs and what the [ __ ] is that when would you ever see me jumping across a rooftop who do I think I am Jackie Chan oh my god there's [ __ ] missiles falling down man when the hell does this ever happen in my life this never happened exactly just like I said in the game I don't even need to talk just listen cannons and Zeppelin's and fish what was that that my sentiments exactly [ __ ] the stage boss is a helicopter of guitar and I wish I didn't already call the cannon scrotum cannons because now the game is just mocking me have you ever seen the AVGN episode where a giant helicopter guitar comes flying in and pisses all over me I'm dead [ __ ] is that going to be my epitaph [ __ ] the second stage I'm in the water where every random thing is trying to kill me like a submarine shark and I can't beat the shark I just can't it may look like I'm sucking ass at it but what do you expect I'm playing on a keyboard and the controls are the complete opposite of what's on a regular controller jump attack is on the left and moving is on the right so I have to switch my hands around and get carpal tunnel the weapon is the worst thing of all the beers fly in an arc so you have to get in the right spot to calculate the trajectory and everything blocks your aim [ __ ] [ __ ] I can't hit this [ __ ] fish ah these beers are like the rock and fry the 13th and I already told you how bad that is Oh No is that why the game was designed this way all the random enemies and all those things it's because those are the kind of things I complained about this game is all my fault Oh time for another AVGN game let's try pixel land blast by Kevin Berryman this one came out the same year back in 2008 well it looks like a bunch of shitty NES games have invaded the fantasy world of a familiar good game that we all know so I'm flying around like Superman blasting every copy these games in existence this game is my ultimate fantasy [ __ ] games blast you all to hell die needless to say it's a 3d shooter all you do is shoot the games shoot the games and shoot the games there's not much else to say you even get to take down the power glove or power gauntlet and the Virtual Boy even [ __ ] pickle makes an appearance the first game was designed to make me angry but this one is a lot easier so maybe it's more like therapy maybe now I'm calmed down enough to play another AVGN game this is AVGN ko boxing by Devin Cooke it's made in the style of an Atari 2600 game very faithfully it's as if you took punch-out and put it into an Atari game you control this anonymous invisible guy not the nerd so if you ever wanted to punch me in the face there you go take that nerd me next opponent is [ __ ] pickle how does [ __ ] pickle keep coming into my life next up is Jason Voorhees man is he hard [ __ ] hmm can't beat them quite honestly it's a fun game it's definitely better than any of the boxing games on Atari next up is AVGN planet by David II the plot of the game is that all my enemies such as Bugs Bunny Freddy and Jason have been sent to a planet and now I'm going there to fight them once again is it just me or does that not make sense it doesn't the game is in the style of Metroid with me running around through caverns and collecting power-ups it also uses the same kind of puzzle solving where you have to find out how to open a door and it's a good effort the controls use the keyboard to move and the mouse to aim so I guess you could say it's very PC here's that funny bastard die already die already die just [ __ ] die who would have thought he'd be the strongest boss in videogame history yeah finally and I'm rewarded with fear the second boss I think is Jason Voorhees and if you thought Bugs Bunny was tough look at this just look at this try the missile there goes my missiles I can't kill this guy after all he is Jason Voorhees come on Jason he won't even kill me he's taunting me he wants me to die slow well [ __ ] them if you can get past this force field you can transport to the next stage again good effort but one thing I couldn't figure out how to quit the game and killing yourself takes a long time next is AVGN game over by lord gavin games the intro is really cool it shows me beating up characters from the games I've talked about set to that awesome theme song cover [Music] so I get sucked into a video game world and the first stage is based on Super Mario Brothers rather than jumping on goombas I fight them like a man punch him yeah tell him honestly this is pretty fun but unfortunately I'm having technical problems the game crashed and to be serious for one moment I'm not playing on a Commodore it's a brand new PC the game crashed again and again within only the first 30 seconds of the game and every time it crashed I had to wait through the entire intro I can't find a way to skip it so unfortunately I can't play this one for some reason whether it be a problem with my computer or whatever and it's a shame just when things were starting to blow up well anyway Lord Gavin strikes again with AVGN game over to this sequel is done in more of a 16-bit style feels a lot more like Super Mario World what's really awesome about this one is that you can use an xbox controller with it that's right a real controller don't try to play it with the keyboard or else you won't be able to jump correctly I found that out the hard way I think this game is really well done even though it may not be AVGN themed that much now let's move on to consoles which is more like my familiar territory this game I got on an actual Atari 2600 cartridge simply titled the Angry Video Game Nerd it was sent by a LOD MOT well it definitely looks and plays just like an Atari game that's me by the way damn I'm looking good the things on the bottom are Sega Atari and Nintendo consoles if you can wrap your head around the Sega or Nintendo console being in a game that's being played on an Atari console the things flying in from the top are shitty games the object is to shoot the shitty games before they get to your consoles in true Atari fashion it takes a lot of imagination and has lots of flashing effects is that the music from dr. Jekyll mr. Hyde [Music] all we need is some boom give me some boom give me some it takes a lot of extra effort to put a game on our real cartridge so how could you resist AVGN versus dr. wily by a bo hiccups it's gonna be me isn't it it's gonna be me yeah that's me so basically it's Mega Man 2 but instead of Mega Man it's me I'm in Mega Man 2 one of the best games ever made and I'm in it if I could have foreseen that as a kid I would have [ __ ] my pants the other difference is that the levels are redesigned to be way harder than the original game so if you thought the game wasn't hard enough and it needed the [ __ ] nerd in it then this is for you anyway let's play some more AVGN games hey nerd since you've been doing AVGN games how about an AVGN board game board James what is this why does everyone always drop in uninvited come on this is a great game check it out Angry Video Game Nerd Monopoly by Matthew Nielson everybody knows how to play Monopoly it's the same thing but all the properties are games that you've reviewed nerd like Superman 64 deadly towers and dr. Jekyll mr. Hyde who instead of trains for the transit system how about traveling around in the tornado from Simon's quest there's glitch cards and used game shop cards some of my favorites are you break your TV out of rage from playing Wayne's World and have to pay 150 dollars for a new one and how about you achieve the highest score in the Terminator and get paid $150 cheating fine for using game genie or check out this one you revisit Castlevania 2 Simon's quest you're revisiting it so that means you're going backwards and not past the press Start panel very elaborate way to say go back or you accidentally use an atari jaguar console as the toilet and the shopkeeper charges you $50 for damages where does he get his prices from yeah Jaguar CDs are way more expensive than that but isn't that awesome somebody made a monopoly game about you everybody's got to have a monopoly game even ac/dc has a monopoly game yeah that's cool but how'd you get here aren't you supposed to be in jail oh well I used to get out of jail free card yeah but didn't you kill your friends or something that wasn't me that wasn't me that was the [ __ ] phone [ __ ] you everybody okay you know that guy looks familiar anyway speaking of phones next we have a game that you play on your phone well okay this is texting of the bread produced by ScrewAttack I believe it's a spoof of typing of the Dead which is a spoof of Night of the Living Dead Wow a spoof of a spoof I just happen to be a playable character in it I'm just sitting around minding my own business when a zombie gingerbread man bursts in I hate it when that happens the idea is to type or should I say text as fast as you can to shoot all the gingerbread men oh this is the weirdest game I've ever been it and at last we have the recent Angry Video Game Nerd Adventures also produced by screwattack developed by freakzone Games and officially endorsed by me which means I better check it out and make sure they didn't [ __ ] it up in the intro I get pulled into the TV by my balls story of my life next thing I'm inside an 8-bit platformer getting nagged by naggy the patronizing Firefly press a to jump yeah thanks you're a [ __ ] genius now leave me alone my 8-bit self says it all after the tutorial you get a selection of stages clearly it's the largest AVGN game yet I'm using an xbox controller and the controls feel a hundred percent fluent there is no doubt about it this is a legitimate side scroller proving that the genre is still alive and strong we don't even need to go back to the past we're still in the past and why is the music so [ __ ] awesome [Music] you can play as hidden characters like the [ __ ] man is that guy dead again and Mike who the [ __ ] is Mike I don't know anyone like that not to mention there's lots of hidden cameos see if you can find him there's also power-ups like super mega death Christ which obliterates everything and the glitch gremlin who makes everything go berserk you know I've heard a lot of people say this game is very difficult but I'm not having any trouble with it I mean come on it's my game I'm the [ __ ] nerd [Music] okay whoever came up with this is exactly then read my mind they're an [ __ ] which means the [ __ ] who made this game acknowledged that they're an [ __ ] and that I call them an [ __ ] you [ __ ] great do I really need to be reminded of Silver Surfer again why does everything look like a dick oh no not the where'd you learn to fly [ __ ] then there's the happy land where everything is smiling no matter where I die or how I die there's always one of these things making fun of me [Music] the death screen always generates a random quote saves me the work of trying to come up with something but stride dungeons and dickholes now this is going too far when I came up with this idea during my super pitfall episode I didn't know somebody would actually create this exaggerated deathtrap I can't even blame anyone but myself I came up with this what was I thinking what the [ __ ] no way they didn't it's the giant claw it's as big as a battleship how did it get in this game it just barge right in like a battleship crashing into a harbor it's taken so many hits like bullets on a battleship it's a flying battleship this isn't the first time the giant claw appeared in a video game he was also in another freak zone game based on another terrible movie Manos the hands of fate so it begs the question when will the giant claw strike again hmm the movie was filmed in Hollywood Manos was filmed in El Paso I originally broadcast out in New Jersey hmm I don't see any pattern oh of course a perfect pattern next is a level based entirely on the Atari porn games who would do that don't look kids then there's [ __ ] Vania it's as if you took all the things that were frustrating about the Castlevania games and the Megaman games and put them all together the biggest obstacle are these death blocks you touch them you die it's all about getting these patterns down and there's hardly any room to [ __ ] up ah undershot it ah overshot it you think there's enough death blocks then there's Blizzard of balls a Christmas snow level nothing says Christmas like [ __ ] chickens the best part is killing Santa and using his body as a sled on the polar opposite we have the hell level by farts consumes where you fight Kaka demons and ride on a shark shooting lasers this is ridiculous then of course you fight the devil himself and don't you love the intentional typos conglaturation is that the new hip way to spell it is that what the kids are doing now the remaining level is boo haunted house you have to play the whole stage in tunnel vision and this is where they really get carried away with the death Clause even when you know it's there it's still hard not to touch it oh no oh God oh [ __ ] after you've conquered all the stages one last final stage appears laugh and joke and numb nuts the bane of my existence this is deliberately designed to be one of the most unfair stages in videogame history for example you have to shoot this gear to make the platform move but then you're killed by the death block so you have to jump faster than your own bullet and after that more death blocks appear out of nowhere meanwhile there's all kinds of [ __ ] flying everywhere [Music] there's not one stable spot to stand to catch your breath you gotta keep moving you don't even have time to think look at this look at all these death blocks I hate him I hate him as much as the [ __ ] medusa heads in Castlevania or the grass and Bill and Ted every game has its thing and this one's thing is to piss me off it was made to piss me off and at the heart of it all the final boss my arch nemesis it's it's Fred [ __ ] it's the programmer [ __ ] Fred flux finally I get to kick his ass yeah [ __ ] you Fred bucks [ __ ] you prick [ __ ] got'em feel like I played every bad game I ever played all at once and now others are playing it because of me it's like I shared all my horrible experiences it's all my fault [ __ ] this game [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] take that game [Music] [Music] he's playing some games the worst he because he's gonna find out which one sucked the most balls the Angry Video Game Nerd is here oh he's making a list and checking it twice he's gonna go home and eat chicken and rice the Angry Video Game Nerd is here he hates the games that stink he knows which games to break he just might even hate them all cuz he's mad for [ __ ] sake you better watch out don't give these games a try you better not play him he's telling you why the Angry Video Game Nerd is here [Music] back in the 80s our parents didn't order a Christmas presents online because the internet didn't exist yet back then it was all about catalogs every major department store like Sears and JCPenney will put out these holiday wish books so every year it was a tradition to browse through these books and circle all the things that you wanted Santa to bring you everything that you could possibly imagine was in these books there were video games of course you'd see all kinds of crap like the Roland rocker and dr. Jekyll and mr. Hyde for 3987 that's criminal speaking of prices it's funny that at some point the NES and the Atari 7800 were both the same price for the 7800 it says it has super responsive joysticks because they knew the Atari 5200 controllers were pieces of [ __ ] yeah having a responsive controller is kind of a necessity wouldn't you say also super 8 cameras and VHS cameras coexistent a new VHS camera could cost a thousand bucks yeah being able to record yourself with actual footage was a luxury my family always had to rent one there were action figures you had ninja turtles in humanoids the Real Ghostbusters as well as the other ghostbusters that nobody gave a [ __ ] about there is the giant GI Joe aircraft carrier all kinds of toys everything you can tell that the people who photograph these action figures didn't know anything about them like why is lion-o and mumra2k in the thundertank and why is laser spelled with quotes to dr. evil right this I can't do these books justice I highly recommend that if you can find one of them take a look through it's really a trip when I say everything was in these books I mean literally everything science stuff courses a jewelry lingerie you turn from a page with Kitty stuff to see tobacco the books were mostly for kids to tell their parents what they want and there were even coloring pages in there but then there were things like knives and guns that's terrible that a kid would be flipping through and see that you'd go from a page that has all kinds of kiddies sleeping bags and right on the other side of the page is a gun cabinet right underneath the mario sleeping bag is an assortment of guns and there were lots of them back to the video games a lot of times the descriptions were questionable for Zelda it said gather crystals to stop warlords that's the worst description to Zelda I've ever heard Karate Kid on the NES had the wrong screenshot where'd they get that from that's not the Karate Kid for ghostbusters on Sega Master System it says scare up some fun oh you bet and it retains the typo Gore's ax instead of gozer then we get to the tiger games oh my you're at the wheel for all the high speed thrills of real racing full of exciting action true to life graphics and sound effects are you [ __ ] kidding me there is no telling if the games were good or not if it made it into the same catalog as Zelda you assumed it would be awesome like I mentioned this was the bi era before Internet there were no online game reviews to tell you when a game sucked the big one it was all a crapshoot all you had was a screenshot a weak description and sometimes word of mouth we would usually gravitate towards games that had some kind of reputation skater die was one of those a game dedicated to skateboarding and hosted by Rodney Dangerfield with a mohawk even if you didn't know anything about skateboarding you wanted to be part of the culture you wanted to be hip just as essential as it was to wear bright neon colors and listen to glam rock you had to at least try to skateboard if you weren't good at it you'd fall on your face and hurt yourself then you'd go play this game and punish yourself even more all you do is fall fall and fall the only way to play decent at it is to master its awkward controls it's like teaching yourself to walk backwards tightrope and once you do get good at the five minigames you realize that's all it is two different halfpipe competitions douse ting and a time trial and a race which are so short you can finish them in less than a minute almost every kid had this game in their collection at some point it had cool music a catchy slogan and signified everything that was rad about the 80s but the game was [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] that we held with passion skate or die looking back I wish I chose the latter then there was bad dudes or bad dude as this wish book called it just to name bad meant that it had to be good more proof that we had everything screwed up it's a monotonous button masher with choppy movement lousy hit detection and back-ass controls it's another one of those games where B and a are switched meaning B is jump and a as attack and you know how it should normally be sure it was early in the age of beat him up games so at the time it was awesome and macho playing this game was a symbol that you were a real man but it hasn't aged well it just makes you want to play final fight 3 instead still it has a legacy and has one of the most famous opening screens of all time are you a bad enough dude to rescue the president bad what was it with that maybe we could blame Michael Jackson for making the word bad so awesome but we should have never listened to Lucas about the power glove in some cases bad really minute one that's always been on my personal hate list is karate champ this is one that was just as horrible back then as it is now it's an early example of a one-on-one fighting game but good lord did they [ __ ] it up in all the years I've revisited this game I have never figured out how to consciously do any of the moves I just mash buttons and see what happens the instruction manual tries to make sense of it all but it's way too complicated and there's nothing intuitive about it hitting your opponent happens at pure random most of the time you miss it's not like he's blocking your fists and feet' are going right through him as if you're fighting a ghost it's hard enough to hit your opponent but it's even more difficult to keep yourself facing him it seems like there's certain moves that turn yourself around why would the game allow you to face the other direction rarely have I ever been able to do the same move again to reorient myself so I usually end up jumping all over the place just to get myself back in the proper direction turn around these controls are on the same level as Conan winter games and dark castle but on closer evaluation I think it beats them all the worst [ __ ] controls in existence and there's no variety except for a bonus stage where all kinds of [ __ ] flies at you it's a hopeless situation other than that you fight the same opponent the whole game in fact there's no difference between the two characters it's the same guy fighting the same guy for all eternity sure the backgrounds change but it doesn't affect the gameplay at all even the characters don't seem to exist in the same dimension as these backgrounds no matter the perspective or the lighting condition they remain unchanged how a piece of junk like this got released will always be a mystery even as a rental it was a waste of time well in the tradition of wish lists my fans have had a wishlist of their own of games they've been wanting me to cover so it's time to answer some of those requests let's reach into the stocking dig underneath the lumps of coal and go straight for the [ __ ] nuggets the requests I hear all the time is the bad sonic the hedgehog games what bad sonic games the Sonic the Hedgehog games were awesome it was Sega's flagship franchise even though it didn't have as much variety as the Mario games it made Nintendo fans turn their heads Sonic 2 was the game that made me buy a Sega Genesis these games boasted fast scrolling action colorful graphics and delightful music the character was hip and cocky and it was so much fun to make him run and bounce all over the place so what are all these bad sonic games that everyone's talking about well I took a deeper look here's sonic blast on Game Gear oh there's no blast processing with this one sonic blast should have been called Sonic slow-ass not much else to say just a poor man's version of Sonic then there's sonic labyrinth this one experiments with a 3d perspective but fails the controls are messy Sonic's walk is tedious and doing the spin move only sends them ramming into a wall unless you get it down just right anyway these are portable games what do you expect this is back when the convenience of taking a game with you on a trip often meant compromising its playability then there's Sonic R on the sega saturn which i've also been told is terrible oh man they're right it's basically a racing game sort of a shitty version of Mario Kart the steering is so unresponsive and I can barely stay on the track oh come on come on and I'm always afraid that it's going to glitch out that I'm going to fall through the boundaries and into the unprogrammed area of limbo another one I've been told about is sonic shuffle on Dreamcast that's right the last of the Sega consoles and a good console will go out with but the same can't be said for this game after you get through about 10 minutes of story footage and tiresome load screens the game finally begins only to bombard you with more texts just as I thought it's a board game video game with some mediocre minigame in between players turns basically this is Sega's take on Mario Party but unfortunately didn't turn out as well another big request is Shadow the Hedgehog on the Nintendo GameCube a Sega game on a Nintendo console cats and dogs living together mass hysteria Sega and Nintendo were the biggest competitors of my generation but times have changed I don't even know who shadow is and when did characters and Sonic games start carrying guns once again you have to sit through a movie before the game starts it's pretty spectacular but why is it always like this now is that what kids do nowadays sit around and watch video games you take control shadow with Sonic following behind you run you jump you shoot it's pretty self-explanatory I think it's much more fun than the other games but I find it a little tough to avoid losing my rings all the time this homing attack tends to get me killed and I keep falling down pits other than that I don't have much to say about it I feel like I just awoke from a frozen sleep last I knew sonic games were in 2d Nintendo and Sega were rivals guns were for contra Sonic's nemesis was called dr. Robotnik now he's gone by dr. Eggman Diddy daddy villain formerly known as whatever what the hell happened here this is about as new as I'll go sorry I'm going back to NES that's what I know best one of my biggest NES requests since day one is Where's Waldo first you have to be familiar with the books they were incredible as a kid I stare at these pages for hours the illustrations were amazing and there was so much going on I could keep your eyes busy exploring for a long time of course the objective was to find Waldo amongst other hidden things well how do you take this and turn into an NES game this is what happens it's as if the pages of the book have been chewed up digested and shout out an 8-bit ass how can you find Waldo in this where the [ __ ] is Waldo he'd even know where he is and that's all you do you just move the square around the screen and hit the button if you think Waldo is in that area even when I do find him I still don't know which one he's supposed to be it's really not hard anyway you can just keep trying every space on the screen until you win the only thing that happens if you pick the wrong area you lose time on the timer but it still seems like a better option to guess your way through the game rather than actually trying to find Waldo with your own eyes in between the stages you're forced into watching Waldo walk from one place to the next and he never walks in a straight line he just wanders all over the place like he doesn't have a clue where he's going why do we need this cutscene anyway couldn't we just go straight to the next stage [Music] there's a few stages that are different like finding Waldo in the dark a crappy slot machine and one of those indescribable [ __ ] shows that reminds me of that part in Terminator 2 on Gameboy where you have to connect the wires or that [ __ ] nightmare and Bill and Ted and once you've completed all the stages Walter goes to the moon and the game's over I finished the whole game in six minutes imagine buying this piece of [ __ ] for 50 bucks nowadays releasing a game this short would never be excusable well anyway we have a lot more games to get through so stay tuned for part 2 I'm gonna go get the games [Music] he's playing some games the worst he because he's gonna find out which one sucked the most balls the Angry Video Game Nerd is here [Music] another game that I've gotten requests up the ass for over the years is a boy and his blob here's the thing about it I don't consider it a bad game but I can understand why many would find it frustrating and boring you control a boy and the blob character follows you around you have a supply of jellybeans that if he feeds the blob they all turn them into different kinds of tools the whole fun of the game is figuring out what tool works best in the situation I know it's annoying that the jellybeans don't even tell you what they do but soon you catch on to the game's humor for example an apple jellybean turns the blob into a jack get it Applejack it's a big guessing game and there's lots of trials and errors like if you need to go down you never know where exactly to stand until after you fall into your doom a few times the music is monotonous there's not many enemies there's lots of tedious running around but it has a unique charm I like the puzzle solving and that blob is a cool little guy obedient like a dog the game may be flawed but the creativity and originality shines through the Three Stooges this has always been a huge request I've dreaded this moment for a long time [Music] Ghostbusters two [Music] now that's fun I've always been a big fan of The Three Stooges but the games charm ends right after the title screen the plot involves an orphanage that's unable to pay its mortgage so you're trying to raise money so that the kids have a place to live that's sad that's not a fun video game concept it takes the idea of something that's too real the game itself is nothing more than a bunch of minigames you have no control over which one you play you can't cancel them whatever you land on you're forced to play it and you can get the same one over and over again it always seems like I end up getting the one where you eat the live oysters all you do is move the spoon and scoop up the oysters the spoon moves way too slow it doesn't give you enough time before the oysters disappear and Curley makes an obnoxious sound I can't even describe how much this all here it takes me I'm sick of playing it I'm sick of looking at it I hate staring at those oysters they don't even look like oysters they look like [ __ ] I'm not even trying to be funny they really look like dogs hairy [ __ ] rise in the stew what else could it look like and there's the part where you're in the hospital collecting red crosses mindless but playable there's the classic pie fight and the slapping thing self-explanatory enough I don't know what all that [ __ ] is at the top if it wasn't there I assure you I wouldn't be confused this is what you'd expect to see from the Three Stooges but obviously the whole game couldn't just be the Three Stooges slapping each other in the alley the whole time so they tried to give it some variety the best part is the trivia but what happened with the controls you have multiple choice answers to choose a you hold left on the d-pad while pressing either the a or B button at the same time to choose B you hold up or down and hit the button to choose C you hold right and hit the button why couldn't it just be a simple selection screen what kind of knuckleheads programmed it like this was this game actually made by the Three Stooges the most annoying game of all is the one based on a specific Three Stooges short called Punch drunks in the short Moe is a boxing manager who puts curly in the ring to take advantage of his psychological complex that causes him to knock people out whenever he hears the song pop goes the weasel Larry is hired by Moe to sit ringside with a violin and play the song so that Curley can win the fight but the violin breaks and now Curley has to go running to find an alternative it's a great short but with all that explanation how much does the game tell you nothing all you get is a shot of Larry holding the broken violin and then the game starts and Larry's running around trying to find a radio it's no wonder why nobody knew what the [ __ ] to make of this even if kids in the 80s were familiar at all with the Three Stooges what was the chance of them knowing a specific short from 1934 you control Larry on the bottom there's no telling why Curley is at the top the only reason any of this is up there is to show the time limit but it's too elaborate and distracting it only makes you wish you were playing the boxing part instead of Larry running through an alley slamming into everything that's all you do you hit everything in sight it's the equivalent of the first stage of Back to the Future 3 on Sega Genesis by the way who's the naked guy lying on the sidewalk hmm no matter what I do I always hit the pole or the boxes in the background and you can't run or else you'll never see what's coming [ __ ] this game huh moving into Super NES territory let's take a look at home improvement yeah that's right based on the TV show how do you take a family sitcom and turn into a video game well the plot starts out with Tim the Toolman Taylor on the set of his show tool time remember the show within the show so his tools go missing and he has to go on to the sets of other shows to find them apparently in the soundstage right next to tool time they're filming some kind of dinosaur show so the first stage is just a generic dinosaur platformer if it's a show and the dinosaurs aren't real then how are they attacking I guess they're supposed to be animatronic or something so okay it's a pretty ridiculous concept we got that out of the way at least we can hope the gameplay is decent right yeah it isn't the weapons all suck and breaking through these boulders is always a chore it's relentlessly difficult not many people have seen past this first stage but it's said that they're all generic TV sets you know would it be cool if they were sets to real shows like Family Matters full house or dinosaurs no no no no no no more dinosaurs you know we'll be awesome if you went on to the set of home improvement whoa wonder if Tim Allen ever played this game do you think he could beat the stage how far could Tim Allen get in the home-improvement videogame that's a question that needs answering I'd give this game a better chance if I could read the instructions the instructions might help right yeah guess what there is none technically not the manual opens up to a fake sticker printed over the pages that says real men don't need instructions very funny next up pit fighter commonly known as [ __ ] fighter because of the shittiest fighting game next to karate champ when this game came out in the arcades it looked awesome it was one of the first games where the playable characters were real life actors who have been digitised I mean really this was a big deal at the time like wow they look like real people well when the arcade version was eaten up and shout out on to the home consoles it ended up looking like this it's like cutout photographs fighting each other and why they turn black and white when they lose I guess color is life and black and white is death as soon as Mortal Kombat came out it made this game obsolete instantly the big problem with it the Super NES port at least is that it's way too difficult after each match it doesn't replenish your health nor do you get any continues noting one chance one life meter and that's it so you have to fight everybody in one long lucky streak of button mashing madness as a kid I never made it past the second guy even as a rental it only made for about 15 minutes of playability if that before you turn it off and take it back to the video store and I know it has to give you your health back at some point but I've just made it to the fourth opponent and still they don't give you any health back this is the worst Super NES game I've ever played worse than Super Noah's Ark 3d worse than Shaq foo worse than Wizard of Oz worse than Leicester the unlikely I'm dead [ __ ] serious even [ __ ] Double Dragon was better than this and that was on NES sure it gets monotonous and awkward at times and you can only play as the same characters fighting themselves but it has much more fluent control and is way more fun than pit fighter and next up a game that is probably my biggest request aside from that other one about the [ __ ] alien that falls in the pits no no I'm talking about [ __ ] bubsy 3d I don't even know who the hell bub Z is it's just some generic cat that doesn't wear pants not that cats wear pants anyway but he's got his shirt so where's his pants bubsy was clearly intended as a mascot character like Sonic or Mario but failed miserably nevertheless a whole series of games was made and he crossed over to multiple consoles Sega Genesis Atari Jaguar and Super NES which even got a sequel but the biggest cat turd in the litter pan was the PlayStation version the characters first venture into 3d because everybody else was doing it as the game begins you're walking around collecting atoms that's it there's some enemies to kill but not many and they don't move basically all you're doing is getting the atoms much like flying through the Rings in Superman 64 the first thing you'll notice is how boring the graphics look there's no style no taste no creative design whatsoever just flat colors and bland scenery if you stare at it for more than two minutes you get immediate sensory deprivation you'd rather stare at a blank wall about these atoms you'd think it would be easy couldn't you just walk through them like Sonic or Mario going through coins or rings no no you can't to move you're not allowed to simply hold the d-pad or joystick in that direction no no no you have to painstakingly turn yourself from a standstill and then move in the direction you're facing when trying to do something as simple as getting the items is a chore then you really have a problem it gets even worse when you're trying to jump on enemies every time you leap the camera goes into a downward angle in fact you can't control the camera at all it usually locks into whatever direction you're facing which may have seemed self-explanatory to the developers but 3d games don't work that way you need to control the camera and whenever you get hit the camera spins around to face you which only causes you to get disoriented and get hit again it'll be just as much fun to sit in a swivel chair while someone spins you around and keeps punching you in the face that's what playing bubsy 3d is like like getting punched on a swivel chair this seems as if it was the first 3d game ever made but super mario 64 came before this and that played perfectly what happened here even the blocks look like you can carve them out to make an n64 logo maybe it's just that I have Super Mario 64 on the brain because that's what I'd rather be playing and to be even more annoying bubsy keeps talking yeah I bet they thought they were clever overall this game it just feels unfinished and what I really mean is that it's like it was barely started at all I thought this was a prototype of some sort not an actual finished game that got released in stores it's a pile of junk most of the games I own are junk I'm awarding junk I surrounded myself with [ __ ] garbage alright one more game and then it's happy holidays in good [ __ ] night let's end with spider-man maximum carnage on Super Nintendo everyone says I should play this one as if I haven't already played enough spider-man games they're all terrible but maybe this one's okay after all I'm not sure how I missed it because it's one of the only Super NES games that's read anyway let's give it a try well the comic book cutscenes are quite nice the gameplay well it's a beat'em up game monotonous but fun the controls are responsive and the hit detection works fine the sound effects are good the punches and grunts you hear all lend themselves to the fun stress relieving nature of these kind of games it just feels good when you hit things you can climb up on buildings which offer some variety and breaks up the monotony it can be a little frustrating but not too bad and the music is upbeat and energizing and what do I hear it's the mob rules by Black Sabbath I don't mean it just sounds similar it's the same song just a 16-bit rendition it even does the solo [Music] I think it was just a ripoff and that they never got Black Sabbath's permission but it's still welcome to here and adds to this games and joy ability that's right I found a good spider-man game better late than never it's no masterpiece or anything like that but it would have definitely been worth a rental at the very least who made this game [Music] oh my god they didn't they pulled through oh my god they made a game that's not stealing but a [ __ ] [ __ ] oh my god they did it they made a game let's not shed I found the ghost at the end of the rainbow being in the cold baby's bronze or something but they made a game it's not [ __ ] it's not [ __ ] [Music]

Channel: Cinemassacre

Views: 10,280,509

Keywords: angry video game nerd season 7, avgn season 7, angry videogame nerd season seven, avgn full season 7, angry video game nerd full season 7, avgn full season, angry video game nerd full season

Id: uW2ppKluUPs

Length: 184min 6sec (11046 seconds)

Published: Wed May 17 2017

Reddit Comments

[u/TestZero]

I believe this was the first season after the principal photography was wrapped on the AVGN Movie, marking the end of long hiatus from Dec 2011 to July 2012

[u/IReadYourWords]

Looks like I'm pulling an all nighter.