WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. AND IT IS --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY HERE IN NEW YORK. IT'S 85 DEGREES, WITH 75%
HUMIDITY, AND THIS AFTERNOON ANDREW CUOMO RESIGNED! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON THE BUTT ON THE WAY OUT. BUT IF IT DOES, THAT DOOR SHOULD
ALSO RESIGN. ( LAUGHTER )
FOR NOW, CUOMO'S STILL GOVERNOR, BECAUSE, FOR REASONS I DON'T
UNDERSTAND, CUOMO'S RESIGNATION WILL TAKE EFFECT IN 14 DAYS. EVIDENTLY, HE GAVE HIMSELF TWO
WEEKS' NOTICE. ( LAUGHTER )
THE RESIGNATION COMES AFTER 11 WOMEN HAVE ACCUSED HIM OF SEXUAL
HARASSMENT, RANGING FROM RUNNING TWO FINGERS ACROSS THE CHEST OF
AN ENERGY COMPANY EMPLOYEE, TO GRABBING THE REAR OF AN UNNAMED
EMPLOYEE, TO A FORMER ASSISTANT WHO SAYS THE GOVERNOR "REACHED
UNDER HER BLOUSE AND GRABBED HER BREAST." AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE, CUOMO
TOOK FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS. SORT OF? >> IN MY MIND, I HAVE NEVER
CROSSED THE LINE WITH ANYONE BUT I DIDN'T REALIZE THE EXTENT
TO WHICH THE LINE HAS BEEN REDRAWN. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> STEPHEN: I DON'T KNOW WHAT LINE HE'S TALKING ABOUT, BUT
HOPEFULLY HE'LL EXPLAIN IT IN HIS NEW BOOK, "ANDREW AND THE
PURPLE CRAYON." ( LAUGHTER )
WARNING: THAT'S NOT A CRAYON ( LAUGHTER )
BUT IT IS PURPLE. ( LAUGHTER )
ONE OF THE MORE DISTURBING DETAILS IN THE ATTORNEY
GENERAL'S REPORT WAS THE ALLEGATION THAT CUOMO HAD
HARASSED A MEMBER OF HIS OWN SECURITY DETAIL. >> AT PUBLIC EVENTS, TROOPERS
WILL OFTEN HOLD DOORS OPEN OR GUARD THE DOORWAYS. WHEN I WALK PAST THEM, I OFTEN
WILL GIVE THEM A GRIP OF THE ARM, A PAT ON THE FACE, A TOUCH
ON THE STOMACH OR SLAP ON THE BACK. IT IS MY WAY OF SAYING I SEE
YOU. I APPRECIATE YOU. >> Stephen: WOW! DID YOU WATCH HE REALLY TRIED
TO SLIP IN THAT "TOUCH ON THE STOMACH" AS IF IT'S ALL THE
SAME. (AS CUOMO)
"I WOULD OFTEN PAT THEM ON THE BACK, STROKE THEM ON THE GROIN,
GIVE THEM A FRIENDLY SUCK ON THE TOE. ( LAUGHTER )
THEN THEY MOVED THE LINE!" SO, EVIDENTLY, HE TOUCHES POLICE
OFFICERS ON THE STOMACH. A TRADITION HE STARTED WITH HIS
ORIGINAL CHIEF OF SECURITY, LARRY POPPIN' FRESH. ( LAUGHTER )
IN A FITTING BIT OF KARMA, 14 DAYS FROM NOW, NEW YORK WILL
HAVE ITS FIRST FEMALE GOVERNOR CURRENT LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR
KATHY HOKUL. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WOW. I DID NOT REALIZE HOW MANY
HOCHUL FANS THERE WERE OUT THERE. HOKUL WILL BE TAKING THE SEAT
VACATED BY CUOMO. HOPEFULLY, AFTER PUTTING A TOWEL
DOWN FIRST. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
CUOMO'S ON HIS WAY OUT, BUT COVID'S MAKING A COMEBACK. THANKS TO THE DELTA VARIANT, THE
U.S. IS AVERAGING OVER 120,000 NEW COVID CASES A DAY, MORE THAN
DOUBLE THE LEVELS OF TWO WEEKS AGO. AT THIS POINT, THE DELTA VARIANT
IS MOVING THROUGH US FASTER THAN A CHALUPA THROUGH A BASSET
HOUND. ( LAUGHTER )
PAINTS A PICTURE, DOESN'T IT? ( LAUGHTER )
ALSO, THE WALL. ( LAUGHTER )
OF COURSE, ALL THIS COVID NEWS COMES RIGHT AT THE BEGINNING OF
BACK-TO-SCHOOL SEASON. AND UNLIKE ORIGINAL COVID, THE
DELTA VARIANT IS HITTING KIDS HARD. THEY CAN'T GET VACCINATED YET,
WHICH IS WHY WE NEED MASK MANDATES. BUT THAT HAS ENRAGED A LOT OF
CONSERVATIVES, LIKE THIS KANSAS WOMAN WHO SPOKE AT A COUNTY
COMMISSIONER'S MEETING. >> I HAVE A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN
LOGIC, A MASTER'S IN MOTHERHOOD, BUT MOSTLY I'M BOARD CERTIFIED
IN BEING A FREEDOM-LOVING AMERICAN. THE U.S. CONSTITUTION WAS
DESIGNED TO LIMIT CONTROL OF THE GOVERNMENT. WE FOUGHT A CIVIL WAR AND WE ARE
NO LONGER SUBJECTS. >> STEPHEN: I DON'T THINK THAT'S
WHAT THAT ONE WAS ABOUT, BUT I DON'T HAVE MY MASTERS IN
MOTHERHOOD. I'M SORRY. GO ON. >> LET'S LOOK AT WHAT ELSE, YOU
KNOW, THE C.D.C. RECOMMENDS THAT I DON'T LISTEN TO. JUST YESTERDAY, I ATE MY EGGS
OVER EASY. I ATE OYSTERS AT LUNCH. I HAD A CAESAR SALAD AND A
STEAK, AND I ORDERED IT RARE. >> STEPHEN: HANG ON. EGGS, OYSTERS, AND A RARE STEAK
IN ONE DAY? FORGET MASK BANS. WE NEED TO BAN THAT LADY FROM
USING THE UPSTAIRS BATHROOM. ( LAUGHTER )
THERE'S ALSO TROUBLE BREWING ON COLLEGE CAMPUSES, BECAUSE A LOT
OF SCHOOLS ARE REQUIRING PROOF OF VACCINATIONS, SO SOME
STUDENTS ARE RUSHING TO GET FAKE VACCINE CARDS. NO SURPRISE A BUNCH OF
19-YEAR-OLDS ARE TRYING TO LIE ABOUT PROTECTION. (AS COLLEGE BOY)
"BABE, I CAN'T GET THE VACCINE. IT KILLS ALL THE SENSATION FROM
THE PROTEIN SPIKES." ( LAUGHTER )
BUT KIDS, IF YOU'RE UNVACCINATED, I HAVE A HOT
HOOKUP FOR A PLACE THAT'S GIVING OUT VACCINE CARDS. FOR FREE. ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS GET A
LITTLE POKE IN YOUR ARM, THEN COME BACK IN THREE WEEKS, DO IT
AGAIN, AND YOU'LL GET A CARD THAT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE THE REAL
THING. TRY IT! IT'S YEET! ( LAUGHTER )
IS IT YEET? >> Jon: SOMETHING LIKE THAT. YEET TRYING TO GET OUT OF THERE. YEET. ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: NOW, IF COVID IS TEMPTING YOU TO
LEAVE THE PLANET, I'VE GOT THE LATEST FROM LOW ORBIT IN
MY INTERGALACTIC SEGMENT: SPACE NEWS: ADVERTISING IN SPACE
EDITION! THERE'S BIG NEWS ABOUT SPACE-X
FOUNDER AND FAILED REBOOT OF THE FONZ, ELON MUSK. MUSK'S COMPANY PLANS TO PUT
BILLBOARDS IN SPACE. ELON, NO! MANKIND GAZES UP THE STARS TO
WONDER "WHAT'S UP THERE? WHAT'S MY PLACE IN THE
UNIVERSE?" NOT "WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A
KLONDIKE BAR?" TURNS OUT IT'S NOT QUITE AS BAD
AS THAT HEADLINE WOULD IMPLY. APPARENTLY, THE PLAN IS TO
LAUNCH A SQUARE-SHAPED SATELLITE, WITH ONE SIDE USED
AS A DISPLAY SCREEN, THE SATELLITE WILL BE EQUIPPED WITH
A SELFIE STICK SO IT CAN FILM THE DISPLAY SCREEN AND THEN
LIVE-STREAM THE ADS TO PLATFORMS LIKE YOUTUBE. OH GOOD. USING THE PINNACLE OF HUMAN
INGENUITY AND ENGINEERING TO MAKE MORE OF EVERYONE'S FAVORITE
PART OF YOUTUBE: THE ADS. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, I GET WHY A COMPANY MIGHT WANT ITS AD DISPLAYED WITH EARTH
IN THE BACKGROUND. BUT YOU DON'T NEED YOUR OWN
SATELLITE TO DO THAT. YOU JUST NEED THE BEST GRAPHICS
TEAM IN LATE NIGHT. THAT'S HOW I ALREADY HAVE ADS IN
SPACE FOR MY NEW LOLLIPOP COMPANY: SUCK IT, ELON. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: THAT'S GOOD. NICE. NICE. >> Stephen: THAT'S REALLY
SUCCESSFUL. THAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL, WE DIDN'T
STOP AT EARTH. I ALSO DEFINITELY HAVE ADS
FLOATING ABOVE THE SURFACE OF SATURN. YOU CAN ALSO GET YOUR AD NEXT TO
THE DEATH STAR, BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT YOUR SPACE AD TO
BREAK THROUGH, YOU GOTTA THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX WITH ONE LIKE
THIS: ( SCREAMING )
>> OH, GOD! >> ♪ 1-877-KARS-4KIDS
DONATE YOUR CAR TODAY ♪ >> Stephen: IT'S A BETTER AD. THAT IMPROVES IT. THAT'S A BETTER AD. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: THERE'S ONE BRIGHT,
HOPEFUL SPOT OF NEWS IN AMERICA. AND IT'S ALL THANKS TO
RESTAURATEUR AND DRUNK PARTY PORCUPINE, GUY FIERI. HOP A BUS FOR FLAVOR TOWN,
BECAUSE CHEF FIERI HAS A NEW CULINARY INVENTION: THE "APPLE
PIE HOT DOG." ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
THE SENATE'S ALL PROUD OF THEIR TRILLION DOLLAR BIPARTISAN
INFRASTRUCTURE BILL. BUT THIS PATRIOT BUILT A BRIDGE
BETWEEN HOT DOG AND FOOD! ( LAUGHTER )
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS ENTREE OF FREEDOM:
WHOA! IT'S A HOT DOG POP TART! FORGET PIGS IN A BLANKET-THESE
PIGS HAVE A KING SIZE PASTRY DUVET! GUY DIDN'T WORK ALONE ON THIS
BEAUTY-IT WAS A SPECIAL COLLAB, AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THE FULL
HEADLINE: "GUY FIERI INVENTS APPLE PIE HOT DOG WITH
CHEVROLET FOR MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL'S FIELD OF DREAMS
GAME." AND WE FOUND IT: THE MOST
AMERICAN SENTENCE EVER WRITTEN. SORRY, "WE THE PEOPLE," THIS' IS
OUR CONSTITUTION NOW. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) SADLY, THESE DOGS ARE ONLY
AVAILABLE IN IOWA AT THURSDAY'S "FIELD OF DREAMS" GAME. BUT IF YOU CAN'T MAKE IT, DON'T
WORRY: GUY RELEASED THIS VIDEO OF HOW TO MAKE YOUR VERY OWN AT
HOME: >> FIRST, PIE CRUST. THEN SOME BACON JAM, A LITTLE
BROWN SUGAR, A LITTLE HONEY, AND A LITTLE APPLE CIDER VINEGAR. APPLE PIE FILLING, I IMAGINE YOU
PROBABLY HAVE AN AWESOME APPLE PIE FILLING THAT YOUR GRANDMA
USED TO MAKE BUT IF YOU WANNA GET THAT CANNED STUFF, IT'S FINE
TO USE IN THIS. >> STEPHEN: (AS FIERI)
"HELL, PUT THE CAN IN THERE TOO. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG WITH THIS
MAMMA-JAMMA, PACK IT WITH GARBAGE AND JUST LEAVE A SLOT TO
SLIDE THAT DOG IN!" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THIS IS A MAJOR ACHIEVEMENT IN
HOT DOG DESSERTS. BUT I HAVE ONE SMALL BONE TO
PICK WITH FIERI: HE CLAIMS TO HAVE INVENTED THE PIE DOG, THE
TRUTH IS, HE'S NOT THE FIRST. JIM, ROLL THAT CLIP FROM 2007:
>> I'M MORE AMERICAN THAN APPLE PIE. I'M LIKE APPLE PIE WITH A HOT
DOG IN IT. SEXY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN" ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN" ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I'VE SAID IT ONCE AND I'LL SAY
IT AGAIN: I AM THE ORIGINAL GUY FIERI. AND I HAVE BEEN SINCE HIGH
SCHOOL. JUST LOOK AT MY SENIOR PICTURE. REGARDLESS OF WHO CAME UP WITH
IT, A HOT DOG INSIDE AN APPLE PIE IS BRILLIANT. I WANT A HOT DOG INSIDE AN APPLE
PIE INSIDE STEPHEN COLBERT. LUCKILY, GUY FIERI SENT ME ONE! ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
HERE WE GO. THIS IS ACTUALLY SENT FROM
MR. P FIERI. THANK YOU. NOW, HE'S CONFIDENT I'M GOING TO
LOVE IT. AS HE SAID HIMSELF, "I CAN'T
WAIT TO SEE THE REACTIONS FROM FANS AS THEY TAKE THEIR FIRST
BITE OF THE APPLE PIE HOT DOG!" WELL, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE
TO WAIT, GUY. 'CUZ I'M ABOUT TO TASTE AMERICA. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HERE GOES NOTHING. MMM. IT'S LIKE MARTHA WASHINGTON GAVE
BIRTH IN MY MOUTH. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS CNN ANCHOR BRIAN
STELTER. WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"! STICK AROUND! ♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
Creepy guy. I think his speech to the public incriminates himself even more. He should have kept his mouth shut.
Love seeing the old Colbert Report clip. I wonder if he remembered that bit, or one of his writers?