The Vulnerable Narcissistic Wife

hello i'm darm again welcome to my mental health information and awareness channel now today's topic is following on from a question uh following a video i did before about what life in a relationship with a grandiose narcissist might be like the question was what would life in a relationship with a vulnerable or covert narcissistic wife be like so today we're going to focus on life with a narcissistic wife a vulnerable narcissistic wife now let's be clear men can be vulnerably narcissistic as well they can be covert narcissists as well but today we're just focusing on a narcissistic wife now i suppose it doesn't have to be a wife it could be a long-term partner but i'm just going to use the term wife okay now if you find this video helpful please consider subscribing to my channel and please do check out my other videos on mental health related topics now first of all when talking about narcissism i'm not necessarily talking about someone who can behave narcissistically from time to time as as i think we all can okay i'm talking about people on that narcissistic spectrum i'm talking about pathological narcissism now narcissistic personalities can be often be characterized by being self-centered having a sense of entitlement uh being low in agreeableness um very disagreeable they have difficulty regulating the motion and there are different types as i've covered before there are the two extremes would be grandiose or overt the other being vulnerable or covert okay and there's many different types in between now i think the abuse from a covert narcissist is more through neglect than in your face bullying um but it can become overt when she needs to be so the vulnerable narcissistic wife she wants her partner to suffer but suffer without her actions being the actual cause it's actually her lack of actions in a lot of cases so let's look at behavior number one she is in a constant state of unfulfillment and disappointment this is how she lives and she wants her husband to live that way as well she wants him to be under a constant strain now this could maybe involve spending any money he may have usually on nothing it could be money that he's been saving for say a holiday then then she complains they never get to go anywhere nice on holiday he could be saving for a new car then she complains their cars are wrecked and it's all his fault so the aim there is to keep him under a constant stream number two she is constantly disagreeable even in small subtle ways you know for example if he offers her tea she'll ask for coffee if he offers her either tea or coffee she'll ask for a glass of water if he offers her tea coffee or water she'll ask him for milk she'll always find the option that he didn't offer and if he does offer something anything at all anything that might be in her best interest something she might like something she could really use she'll find a way to refuse it next up the husband by default is always wrong everybody else is right if the husband say for example was to get attacked get assaulted you know she would want to know what he did to provoke it um if he's having a hard time at work you know if he was able to do his job properly he'd be fine there wouldn't be any problem somebody insults him she might offer you know would you like to discuss with her um why why that person had to say that she will jump to the default setting of there being something wrong with the husband he is the one who is always at fault and no matter what his skill set you know his job whatever it is other people will always know more about his job his role his skill set no more and be able to do it better than him because he is inept he is clumsy he is useless he is lazy anything he does anything he might do about the house you know she will find fault with it she may even get someone else in to do it better and eventually again i often say we only have so much capacity eventually he may stop even trying and that fits her narrative that he is lazy and thoughtless anything he does do anything he does achieve anything he accomplishes even even if he gets a new car it might take her a couple of days to even mention it but even then it'll only be that perhaps she doesn't like the color or that he had better look after it better than he did the last one or she may point out to him that he should have spoken to someone who knows about cars and would have been able to advise him anything else he does a jv maybe gets a promotion he not just completes but wins a marathon or something that is never ever going to be pointed out to anyone she would never even bring that up as a topic of conversation because again it does not fit her narrative next up she has fantasies fantasies over hire another partner would be so much better and you know what sometimes there isn't even subtlety about it and even if there had been an ex-partner and doesn't matter could have been years ago someone she dated when she was at school um he will always have been a better partner than the husband could ever be she regrets that relationship is over and she will constantly bring up at every opportunity everybody like the last guy everybody likes that guy everybody likes this guy you know he was good at this he enjoyed that the husband could say that he loves her and she'll reply oh he used to say that he will constantly be devalued and compared unfavorably to others next up as is typical with all sheets of narcissism is a lack of empathy now with covert narcissism i often look at this or think of this as a thoughtlessness because the husband doesn't matter his problems are his they are nothing to do with her regardless of the effect of her behavior it's up to him to sort it out it's up to him to do better his needs are not met by default they are not met in her mind she must not give him anything she must not meet any of his needs do anything for fear of him feeling good or feeling a sense of empowerment anything she does do for him is pointed out you know she's so magnanimous you know i made you your dinner i bought you deodorant this thoughtlessness this lack of empathy is because there's no real connection there she is emotionally distant and because there's no depth here nothing is ever resolved it's just better not talked about at the time she'll even be callous just like a grandiose narcissist he could come home he could come in the door with the most devastating awful life-changing shocking news and she'll point out to him the grass needs cut or she has a sore foot and this distance this lack of connection this it's the husband's fault because he just doesn't get it he doesn't understand because of her poor insight and her maladaptive coping strategies she really doesn't understand herself but she projects this onto the husband she will make him feel guilty for wanting or needing any kind of connection any kind of intimacy and i'm not just talking about sex any kind of connection whatsoever she will accuse him of being controlling sleazy disrespectful whatever it is next up she is hypersensitive not just sensitive she is hypersensitive to any kind of criticism at all even if it's being constructive and you know what even if it's not criticism even if it's just a different point of view a different perspective that that hyper sensitivity will kick in and so will her maladaptive coping strategies she may for example she may feign exhaustion she may just want the world to end right now she will perform amazing illnesses until he apologizes now normally he has to apologize for how he feels at the way she behaves and the way she treats him he will be vilified for bringing up anything at all that has her seeming less than perfect and this is because her self-esteem is so low everything everything at all is processed and taken personally because it's all about her not about her behavior and if the husband disagrees he is attacking her not her opinion not trying to change a behavior he is attacking her because she is a helpless victim or as i sometimes put it she is an innocent bystander in her own life she is an innocent bystander in her own marriage and with this of course with a lot of narcissistic traits comes double standards because he is responsible for everything she isn't he needs to learn grow and develop she's fine as she is he must drop everything and run to her rescue however he must look within himself if he needs help support or company and she will continually treat him with disdain and contempt but demand worship and attention otherwise he is bad next up she wants nothing to do with them other than to own and control them other than that she wants nothing to do with them but she doesn't want anyone else having anything to do with them either she will be uncomfortable with anyone especially other females complimenting him talking to him having any kind of contact with him at all she will feel uncomfortable at him having any kind of friendships or support from others because the truth is she's envious she's envious of her partner but rather than use that envy in a healthy inspiring way in order for her to grow she takes joy from his pain she only feels good if he feels bad she only feels powerful if he feels powerless next up constant sabotage all right it's mentioned earlier she will spend his money not hers she'll spend his she will keep him under a financial strain she will become ill at the last minute when about to go out do something go somewhere that he has picked something he is looking forward to any discussions they do have if he says no to something you know um she'll do what she likes anyway and and come back afterwards with oh i thought we agreed oh i thought you'd said yes and regardless of what the husband decides wants would like to try offers for her every solution will have a problem every silver lining will have a cloud next up she will over empathize and sympathize with others now this this helps her to maintain her a level of self-esteem because if others see her as good and caring she'll feel good about herself it also works in the sense that it helps invalidate the husband because as he sees her caring about everybody else and not him he starts to believe he's not worthy and lastly like all narcissists she has what seems to be what i often refer to as toxic amnesia and that's why there's no learning or growing as a person and she will be selective over what she remembers that's why arguments are about the same thing over and over again if it's not the same thing it's the same same recurring theme nothing ever goes away nothing ever gets resolved the only things you'll ever learn are new tactics to do the same thing now an example i i often use is you know at one point uh he's telling her how she how he feels about something the way she's behaving and she'll just come back with i don't accept that there must be something else wrong with you shall we explore what that is now after a while um if this was to be point i pointed out that that's um invalidating that's very devalued it stops me and i don't accept that and it becomes i don't understand what do you mean i don't get it what is it again are these my feet what was the question again ridiculous kind of circular reason anything at all to avoid any kind of responsibility and the husband gets frustrated trying to explain himself again and again to someone who has pretty much committed themselves not to understand so what's going on with the vulnerable narcissistic wife well normally what i think she's doing is she is punishing the husband for the emotional humiliation unkind humor learned helplessness that she was taught and most commonly i believe from a narcissistic parent she doesn't know how to have a healthy toxic free relationship he doesn't know how to be herself so the husband will not not only always be the cause of her pain in her mind he must be punished for it as well she wants him to be every bit as alone emotionally isolated and in as much pain as she is so they're my thoughts on a relationship with a vulnerable narcissistic wife okay now there are other things such as gaslighting blame shifting constant tantrums and as i mentioned earlier outrageous illnesses and so on if you have any thoughts or comments opinions please use the comment box below like reading your comments and respond to them please let me know if there are any other topics you'd like me to cover in future videos and if you like this video please consider subscribing to my channel thanks for watching

Channel: Darren F Magee

Views: 301,775

Keywords: vulnerable narcissistic wife, covert narcissistic wife, narcissistic wife, female narcissist, covert narcissist female, vulnerable narcissist female, covert narcissism, vulnerable narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, married to a narcissist, married to a narcissistic wife, Darren Magee, vulnerable narcissists in relationships, covert narcissists in relationships, narcissists in relationships, signs of a wife with vulnerable narcissistic traits, Sentient Counselling

Id: VfRad3nNrwY

Length: 14min 10sec (850 seconds)

Published: Mon Oct 12 2020