The Easiest Way To Detect Covert Narcissism

if you have ongoing exposure to controlling people it's a virtual certainty that you're going to experience blurry boundaries which is why i have created the extensive online course called this is me establishing boundaries with the controllers in your life there's a link below that will give you all of the details and i hope that you would find it in therapeutic [Music] in order for somebody to be considered narcissistic there are several distinct and identifiable features that go along with that that are in play for example highly narcissistic people are very controlling they're very self-absorbed they have attitudes of entitlement they have low levels of empathy they're users and manipulators they have what we call alternate reality they just kind of make up things to suit their narrative as they go along they must be superior they have a pathological defensiveness because they're so busy propping up a false self those are the features that we talk about when we refer to narcissism now some people are so out there and they're so overt in the way that they display their narcissism they don't leave a whole lot of room to the imagination there's a whole category though of narcissism that we refer to as covert narcissism because all of those ingredients are inside that person but you don't necessarily see it right up front and these individuals can go quite some time in the way that they engage with people covering it up only to find out later on that those characteristics have been there for the duration and so you're over there thinking well why didn't i see it and how do you detect if somebody truly is a covert narcissist now there's one enormous way that you can tell if a person is a covert narcissist and it's simply this their external persona is very inconsistent with their behind the scenes uh persona in private that's how you're going to tell these individuals have that it's like they have two different ways of doing things one in the way that everybody out there is going to see and measure and then two what people behind the scenes actually see and experience now this can come out in all sorts of different ways for example somebody may present themselves that narcissist may present themselves as being very ethical and pure and moral in the way that they deal with people but behind the scenes there's a whole lot of corruption that is part of the way they do things they just don't let people see it but you you eventually begin to discover it or it could be that that narcissist in public appears to be very supportive of you when we're talking about a family situation or in work or friendships but then you learn later on that behind the scenes they're very dismissive and then we have to ask well which one's the real one and it's like well it's not that public persona that's for sure or just right along with it uh they can give you even the impression well i'm really on your team and yet at the same time they can harbor hidden resentments only for you to find that out later on they want to try to make themselves be to be the the most supportive and encouraging person when in fact no they're really not there's a lot of anger gurgling on the inside you just don't see it right up front or it could be the quintessential illustration of uh someone presenting to as to the public as being a the family guy but then behind the scenes inside the family home they disappear they have all their little habits or pleasure kind of things whether it's sitting and disappearing with video games or they're constantly gone with their golf buddies or whatever it might be and so that family guy persona or for that matter uh the caring mother behind the scenes isn't there in the least although folks think that it's there so in general that covert narcissist is someone that ultimately is a keeper of secrets and they absolutely refuse to admit especially publicly the discrepancies that are a part of their life it's like no there's nothing discrete discrepant about the way i do things when in fact you're over there behind the scenes thinking i'm seeing an entirely different person now once a person commits to this covert style of narcissism there are all sorts of other trends that tend to go along with this and the more you're able to see what these trends are the more it confirms what you're dealing with for example covert narcissists are known as simply being fair-weather friends as long as everything's going fine they're on your team but that's it they can start relationships strong but they have a very difficult time sustaining it over the long haul you know once that initial feel-good experience begins to wane or they like to present themselves as better than they really are and they live for praise and admiration from other individuals and when you realize that seems to be a really really strong pattern typically that's something that goes along with the covert narcissism another strong indicator of covert narcissism is they cannot and when i say cannot they absolutely cannot think about themselves with analytical or reflective thinking it's not like they they like to probe and say why do i respond the way i do and why did i do this and i know there are certain things inside of me they don't go there they just blame now that being the case when you try to talk with them about some of the things that need to be addressed covert narcissists will very quickly go to the victim status it's like how dare you say things about me don't you see all the nice things that i do and how pleasant and friendly i am and they appeal to that public persona when and when you say well let's pull that back and and recognize there's a whole lot of other stuff going on here it's like no you're just making my life miserable uh that being the case another trend that tends to be quite consistent with covert narcissists is they can't address conflicts well in fact how whenever you have a conflict that needs to be resolved a they won't receive your input and then b they absolutely won't show any kind of empathy for you and your perceptions and why you feel as you do they just can't go there and then over time you realize this person has no interest at all in knowing me or listening all they want to do is tell and superimpose their preferences that's it they exaggerate their positives they minimize their negatives which is another way uh as i said uh just a minute ago of saying they're secret keepers and they're liars that's a nice way to put it and even if they do have to admit some of the blunders or mistakes let's say that you caught them red-handed doing something wrong they'll way too quickly declare themselves to be absolved well yeah i know i did this it was really wrong but it's that's all finished now i'm done i'm good and they they don't really go into that depth as i had mentioned now as long as you're with a covert narcissist you're going to get along fine with them if you follow one primary requirement that they have of you and that requirement is i need you to prop me up i need you to go along with my narrative that public persona that i have uh i want you to uh to believe in it everybody every bit as much as i believe in it and never ever ever can you call me out that's when you know okay uh i'm dealing with somebody who has strong narcissistic tendencies whether they show it to other individuals or not we've got a problem and so at some point when you begin to to wise up to this and you can see behind the veil that they present out there in public you begin realizing my self-respect is not going to allow me to just be a prop i i can't do that now once you show yourself to that covert narcissist and you let it be known i'm on to you and this isn't working that's when the covert narcissism becomes much more overt you're going to see it in full form at that point the the control and the lack of empathy and the need for superiority is going to show in very strong ways you will be negated you will be invalidated and it can get very ugly and then at some point it becomes clear to you this is a relationship that uh this is just built upon smoke and mirrors and i don't want to have anything to do with it so i'm hoping you can at least see what we're dealing with when we talk about covert narcissism it's all about the public image and when you see behind the scenes that that nice and friendly and pleasant and supportive uh person is not anywhere close to what they purport to be and then when you call them out and it turns ugly that's when you have to decide you know this is not a relationship that's going to work well at all and my need for self-care is going to have to is going to require me to determine where i'm going to go next because like i say i don't think i can be anyone's prop and maintain my sense of self respect so i do hope that a video such as this gives you a good idea of what we're dealing with when we talk about covert narcissism if you've not already subscribed i would encourage you to hit that subscribe button and the notification bell that goes along with it we'll keep more videos coming at you so you can learn about this this pattern if you have a need for therapy you know by now that i have a sponsor that will take you to a whole team of licensed professional therapists the link is below and it may be that you'll need somebody that can help you unpack all of this keeping in mind that covert narcissism in particular they're so image conscious they can do a really good job trying to do the smear campaign and so if you can get a therapist that can help you sift that out that would be most beneficial so i would encourage you to go to the link if that need is there in addition i have courses these are video courses that have multiple videos with written material and lots of questions that will walk you through a therapeutic process and setting boundaries and finding yourself we have more courses coming along and so check the links that we have below for that and i would hope you would find those to be a real strong therapeutic process for you also i have my books and other resources okay covert narcissism by definition is they don't show themselves up front and so it takes a little bit of time for it to be revealed but once you begin to see it then i'm hoping that that sense of your own self-respect and self-care comes to the forefront because they're sure not going to do it i'm wanting you to make sure that you stand in your own dignity in your own respect and your own civility as opposed to allowing them to set your pace and in doing so it positions you to be a person of steadiness and a person of peace i want you to be a person of peace [Music]

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 381,299

Keywords: covert narcissism, malignant narcissism, passive aggressive, self esteem, psychology, Dr. Les Carter

Id: pRAk18e7tu8

Length: 12min 3sec (723 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 10 2022