7 Mistakes Dating Couples Make | Kingsley Okonkwo | Part 1

[Music] [Music] hi there so welcome to another youtube video um just in case you don't know uh we've been shooting a couple of these videos actually series we did the seventh mistake single ladies make and we did seven mistakes single men make so today we are doing seven mistakes dating couples make who also have several mistakes married couples make and we'll keep going on and on seven mistakes several mistakes can make okay someone's okay but you know what i'm saying we just we just have is in series so it covers basically every category and keda um so that you can lend something so today seven mistakes dating couples make if you are new to my teachings i absolutely believe that there are stages and relationships should follow the first stage should be friendship stage and after that then you move to um a dating relationship and that now leads to marriage okay so today we're dealing with seven mistakes dating couples make number one all right number one the first mistake i think couples make is not building friendships not building friendship all right so here we're talking about the fact that it's possible to just you know jump in into the full relationship without or or jumping into a romantic relationship without building friendship the normal order as i've seen earlier on is for you to be friends then you know after a season of friendship you guys can both decide you guys in fact will instinctively know that this friendship is successful enough to become a romantic relationship you know it's easy in my in my mind i i i really don't think a man needs to you know cajole or you know chase a woman that's not really the idea that's not the best way it should be yes i agree the man should make the first moves the man should probably take the lead in terms of um keeping in touch and things like that however what he does what he should do more of is presenting his himself and if he presents himself to this woman and they become friends both of them should know you know they should see how successful the friendship level is and they should both know instinctively that this is the kind of thing that we should take to the next level but unfortunately many people don't do that many people just um you know from day one they've had it in a mind that i want to marry or i want a romantic relationship so they really don't dwell on the friendship stage they just fast track and move into a relationship and what they find out is that you know the foundation is never as strong as it should be friendship is the real foundation you know of marriage friendship is the foundation friendship is what holds everything together all right friendship is stronger than any other thing so don't rush i've had to cancel people from time to time um either they met on a dating site or they met online or somebody hooked them up or anything like that basically they skipped the friendship part they jumped from you know being single to relationship they kind of skipped the friendship part i find out with time they always need to backtrack and come and build the friendship sometimes it's not doable sometimes the relationship cracks because they skipped the friendship you know they wanted to jump into relationship and they don't understand that the strength of marriage or relationship is actually friendship it's like it's like starting your building from the roof or starting your building from the walls it's not going to last it will be able to survive the rigors and challenges of relationships but when you start from friendship it can survive let me give you a scripture proverbs chapter 17 verse 17 the nlt version says he said a friend loves at all times did you see that a friend loves at all times proverbs 17 17 a friend loves at all times what are they saying they're trying to say that there is a commitment of friendship that is stronger than sex stronger than romantic love stronger than you know um the love the flow of feeling okay that's what i mean stronger than the love feeling because you might not always feel like having sex with your partner with your marriage partner you might not always feel like being in love but you can never really stop feeling like being friends because if somebody's your friend they're just your friend all right so many make the mistake of jumping into you know wedding plans or gender roles you know what i mean so they meet and they're already planning the wedding so you see that period of planning weddings has a way of removing your focus from the real faults or the real issues with the relationship because every time you meet you're just discussing oh have you seen the wedding gown or should we use this haul for the reception or have you have we picked the kind of cake we want so you are having something that looks like a relationship but it's not really a solid relationship because you're focusing on wedding plans or you're focused on gender roles um the guy is trying to provide for the girl for instance or maybe the girl is trying to cook for the guy you know you have moved into gender roles without focusing on friendship so don't jump into into the relationship proper don't jump into gender roles don't jump into wedding plans when you've not taken time to build friendship friendship without last all the other things that you want to do in that relationship friendship is what should start it and at the end of the day friendship is what will keep it friendship is that part that would outlive and outlast the romance it will leave a last sexual passion it will live on at last wedding it's the part of you that you guys should have forever you see the beauty about friendship is that it doesn't decrease with time it actually increases with time when it's real friendship every nothing depletes with time every other thing sexual passion will go down you know single people don't like to hear that but ask anybody that might for 20 years 30 years they'll tell you sexual passion will go down um romantic feelings will go down all right but friendship real friendship doesn't go down it gets better having to realize that your best friends are the ones you've known the longest you know you've had history with them you guys are you're not trying to be something for them you guys are just good friends all right so um build friendship that's one of the mistakes that dating couples make they really don't pay attention on building real friendship build friendship build friendship and get to know each other better so what are the wisdom points for this point what are the wisdom points number one focus on knowing each other better that means focus focus on really being friends um ask questions um listen to your partner really listen i've seen people that are you know dating i don't even know what their partner does they don't know what their partner really likes and they're in a dating relationship you know they've never really paid attention listen ask important questions what do you like what are your fears what are your concerns be interested in your partner genuinely you know genuinely not just on the surface not because you want just to marry i always jokingly say that some people love love you know they don't love their partner i just love the idea of love they love marriage not their partner so they don't even matter who goes into the marriage with them is marriage that they really love not their spouse so get to connect as real friends okay so that's what's done point one wisdom point two eliminate things that can hinder true closeness eliminate things that can hinder true closeness things like um jumping to quick into wedding plans so when you meet even though i i believe you should have an idea of when you want to get married another but that after after the dates i said try and not move into or renting a hall and looking for a wedding gown or wedding suit that should not be the first priority take time to talk talk about things that matter all right eliminate things like that wedding planning eliminate things like sex you know it has a way of affecting your intimacy because it becomes the the center of attention instead of getting to know each other you know and and things like that so eliminate anything that can hinder your closeness and then number three do a proper assessment of your friendship so ask yourself how well do i know this person there are many good um assessment things online you can look for you know just trying to how about how well they know this person um you know just ask yourself some questions assess your relationship do i know their best food their best color childhood memories greatest fear greatest concern most embarrassing moment things like that get to know each other well assess your friendship and then build it all right we'll go to number two all right number two seven common mistakes dating couples make seven mistakes dating couples make number two not having clarity not having clarity oh man i can't count the amount of times i have to cancel people like this that have entered the dating relationship without clarity you must always have clarity but have an idea of what you're doing let's read the scripture proverbs 29 verse 18. he said where no vision is or where there is no vision the people perish it's about that pc see where there is no vision the people can perish but the person that keeps the principles of relationship is going to be happy you see obeying the principles that make you happy there are always guidelines for a relationship he said when you keep very happy and one of the guidelines one of the major guidelines for relationship is vision what does what do we do by vision simply means um where are we going all right some versions of that scripture says where there is no vision the people enter an inferior condition and that one says where there are no way there's no vision the people cast off restraint you know they're just saying look if we start this relationship without clarity it makes us lose our direction makes us lose seriousness and focus i mean it's the worst thing you can do to yourself you know by starting a relationship without the cleveland i mean what are we doing what kind of relationship is this if you're a guy you're a girl you guys become friends for a while you know and um you know i believe you want to take it to the next see they don't do that kind of thing where you become close then you cross the line from friendship to romance without defining things don't make that mistake that means you know you're just getting closer and closer you get to the stage where you know gradually smiley m emojis the emojis start changing from just smiley to hug you know and that's fine then he moves from hog to tight hog tight smiling hog emojis and nobody's saying anything from there it moves to peck emoji nobody says rendezvous to kiss emoji from there move to love emoji love with the i emoji from there it moves to love the full love see it's good to define things because the worst thing you can do for some relationship is to keep assuming that you're making progress you can't assume anything you can't assume anything ask claire questions what kind of relationship are we in what are we doing you see once i started living the realm of friendship it's good for somebody to define it and women always make this mistake they always think won't i be sad i want to be do that i'll be desperate to ask no you're just being safe it's better to protect your emotions let the person know that hey you know i'm not saying anything but i just want to know what we're doing what kind of relationship is this don't let the guy tell you oh we're just close intimate friends that maybe one day we can see how possibly or maybe see how close and more intimate this friendship can lead us to no don't don't take this kind of thing look once a guy cannot be clear he's not serious that's how you know if he can't be clear about what he wants he is not serious same thing with you guys if a lady can't be clear about what she wants she's not serious women are usually even more emotionally mature and ready than men so if you're talking to lady and she's thinking about it for one month one year she's not thinking about it she doesn't like you tell her i said so i'm just happy she's not thinking she's waiting for somebody else she's using you to mark time why she's waiting for the person she really wants she's not thinking women don't think that long about relationships you know why because they've thought about it even while do all the while you were chatting with her see women are smart when i know where you're going from the day you ask her for direction she knows what direction you wanted women are like that they're smart you're asking her for a notebook another thing she knows that's not what you're asking women are smart they can read so they can read action so she knows what you want and if she's still beating around the bush and giving you an answer she's not serious she's not serious it's very simple so ask what are we doing what kind of relationship is this does this work for you this undefined relationship so i just friends if you're just friends then that means we're not exclusive let's just see how it goes that's not anything i'll prepare for you it's pray for the ladies because time is sensitive for you if a guy is always in the picture wanting to take you out i want let it discuss it so what do you really want you know if i just friends and that's fine that means you know i don't owe you to always talk with you i don't owe you to always go out with you i can entertain other guys but if he says he wants something serious then what kind of relationship because something serious is not it doesn't mean anything it can be a serious football uh friendship if serious football association so what do you mean by serious relationship so okay we are dating what kind of dating because at my age you know as a lady this is the kind of if our friends you know i'm expecting i'm looking for who to marry now i'm not looking for who he just be dating for dating sick all right the whole purpose of dating is for us to prepare for something not that we're dating just for dating sick we're not dating to even check each other out that's not the purpose for dt that's what we're doing dating when we are friends that's when we check each other out we checked our house as friends that way if we believe we shouldn't go to the next level then nobody's upset we don't date first to check each other out because by the time you did you would check if you checked 10 people out you did 10 people first you don't need all that every time you have an x it has a way it affects you okay so ask what are we doing define it are we getting married is this that kind of relationship or is it just friendship second question you can ask once it's established that this is a serious relationship leading to marriage you can ask them when do you want to get married very important i have a book titled seven questions why is women ask so one of the questions in that book why someone should ask is when if somebody says well i want a relationship that is lean to marriage ask him so when are you looking at this marriage see it's okay to ask these questions i need to tell the ladies in particular you know why i'm talking to ladies because men are the ones that make the offer usually and ladies accept the offer so ladies you need to know the questions to ask before you accept the offer we may make the mistake of just accepting the offer without getting clear timelines it's like taking a job without asking what are the working hours what is the jd that's the job description and what is the pay you you are not being smart by accepting the job without asking these questions you are actually being desperate when you don't ask mainly this thing if i ask i'm being desperate no you are being desperate when you do not ask because it shows you want the job too much that you don't care about the values i don't if you get what i'm saying so you're not asking doesn't help you be look decent you look desperate when you don't ask you look smart when you ask all right so you need to if you've taken a job to ask what how much you're going to paid what's the jd what's my job description because if you get a job i can start doing things you can't do so you need to know so ask when are we gonna get married oh you're thinking of marriage is the kind of relationship that would that leading to marriage you're great when are you looking at getting my because sometimes the offer might not work for you if they say they want to um you want to get mad in 10 years time does that work for you he wants to get married in five years time does that work for you he wants to get married in three years time does that work for you you need to make sure the timing also works for you look ladies it's time to speak up if you don't men are always okay with saying what they want is women that are always shy and and look in the bible there are women that asked what they wanted boldly and i'm surprised by women they don't want to ask what they want boldly delilah asks for something strength bodily it was a stupid request but she asked boldly now what is the secret of your strength you know the woman that killed john the baptist acts bodily she wants the head of john the baptist but i'm seeing ladies today i don't have a good thing to ask but they're ashamed to ask if delilah can ask you can ask what you want tell him oh this is what i'm looking at i i'm not trying to date for more than two years i'm applying the determination when i want to have years what are declared timelines have clear timelines what are the timelines as we go so in other words if it's two years we're looking at getting might if it's one year looking like a mind what should we have done by six months now what i mean by what are the timelines if by six months we want to have met each other's parents then let's start planning that if by six months we want to have made our pastors let's start planning that all right if it's by one year we want to have started promoter counselling let's let's so you see by when you have these timelines that you go you already know a defaulter by six months you don't have to date for three years to know the guy is fake you don't have to date for two years to know the guy is a liar by six months you know he's not going to keep his word or she's not going to keep her word or that something is wrong i can start addressing the problem many people wait for three years and now call me as a pastor you can't believe what happened to me i can't believe because you you didn't follow you know clear guidelines okay so clarity is important clarity important question points with some points number one discuss and clarify so if in case you've started already and there's no clear timelines no clarity of what you guys are doing many of many are many ladies in situationships many guys in situationships they don't know what it what to call what they are in it's time to discuss and clarify say hey what are we doing what are we doing uh where are we going okay discuss and clarify number two set clear time timelines like i've explained what are we going to achieve in six months by one year should we have rented the house should you have rented the house you know what about the secular timelines okay certainly timelines number three pray and walk towards your set goals so if for instance what if you plan to have been able to raise the money for the house or whatever it is you want to do pray together and set those goals and start working towards it want to open talks with our parents we want to meet our pastors we want to whatever it is pray about them i start doing those things clarity is very important point number three [Music] so point number three was he talking about seven mistakes dating couples make point number three it's not having mentors not having mentors i read the scripture then we'll start scripture says proverbs 31 verse 1 message translation he said the words of king lemuel the strong advice his mother gave him all right the words of king lemwell the strong advice his mother gave so promise everyone was written by king lemur and it was based on the advice his mum gave him and prophet was one of the best relationship chapters in the bible because in proverbs 1 they dealt with you know relationship goals for both men and women how to be a proverb starting one woman and how to be a proverbs 31 man i actually did a whole series on that you'll see it on my youtube channel relationship goes for men legend girls for women you'll see that so such it and i hope you have subscribed to my youtube channel i'm just watching go and subscribe before i get upset all right so um put in the number three uh mentoring all right you need mentors you need mentors all right so um the journey of relationships can be tough the journey of marriage can be tough and that's why that king lemon said his mom kind of counseled him on what to look up and how to go so it's a good culture to build in your relationship from the scratch all right mentoring is always helpful always helpful even for every other area of life mentoring is is helpful you know i am of the opinion that you can literally succeed at anything if you have the right mentors the person with a mentor will always do better than the person without a mentor any day any time all right any day anytime so uh um who are your mentors it's not it's not just enough for both of you to think you can make it and i see couples do that a lot just think oh who love each other that's all that matters no this journey is too rough too long for both of you just go on your own it's important to have mentors as a couple have mentors have people that can speak over you have people that can guide you all right it's too crucial don't just dabble into this thing by yourself having people more knowledgeable and more experienced working with you will make your life easy all right mentoring is always helpful and it's a good culture to build your marriage or relationship from the scratch so that as you go you know you you help even married to help you it gives accountability and advice all right this helps you get accountability and advice and those are two things that help every couple accountability because you have somebody hire your reporter all right somebody that can put you in check somebody that that can also follow your goals and plans somebody can make sure you guys are keeping your promises to each other and also brings the benefit of advice you know there are many times you reach a crossroad in your relationship and you need somebody to just be able to speak into you so many dating couples make the mistake of just focusing on each other we love each other and that's all that matters and they're making mistakes they could have avoided they are suffering you know things they could have avoided just because they lack mentors so get mentors around you it will definitely help you all right there should be somebody that both of you can respect there should be somebody around you that both of you can respect and what if you can submit your relationship too and the person will be speak over you and mind so even if it's a long-distance relationship you can do the same thing that person becomes like a bridge that person becomes you know be able to speak into both of you check on both of you make sure you guys are keeping you know the whole thing going we all do better as humans with accountability we all do better with accountability which somebody both of you can respect all right um what are the wisdom points what are the wisdom points number one um list areas a mentor can help you so list the areas you think a mentor can help what are the areas where i fall in shock what are the areas we're not doing well you know do we need to need a mentor regarding how to prepare for the wedding doing the mentor in terms of dealing with our parents doing the mentor in terms of our finances doing the mentor in terms of communication do you need a mentor you know in any area spiritually what are the areas a mentor can help our relationship that's number one second reason point what are the potential men who are the potential mentors around us so who are the people around us that we can um talk to about being a mentor of ours that can submit our relationship too all right who are the people around us so those two things will help okay so get mentors for your relationship number four [Music] number four common mistakes dating couples make is having sex having sex before marriage that's premarital sex big mistake guys and i kind of emphasize this and you know i know that we live in a time in a world where this is very common people just believe that if we are dating you find a relationship it's okay to have sex but if you are planning to marry that's a very dangerous thing to do let's read the scripture then we'll start to build from there first corinthians chapter 6 verse 18 it's a flee sexual immorality flee from sexual that's run away that's what flame is flee sacramento he said all other scenes a person commits outside the body but whosoever sins sexually sins against their own body so every sin that the man do it is without the body but he that committed fornication sinners against his own body say do you not know that your body is in terms of holy spirit who is in who and who you are received of god you are not your own basically it says flee from fornication like i said you know we live in a time where this is so common um everybody's okay with it however if you're applying to marry and you're applying something long term it's good to honor god it's good to honor god in obeying his principles like already let on the person that follows the laws happy it's good to follow the principles all right um premarital sex doesn't help you in marriage premarital sex does not help you for long-term relationships it affects adversely your relationship i know it's not common in these days and age everybody's thinking it's okay but it's not okay it's not okay at all um i have a video titled what nobody tells you about sex on youtube also so make sure you you go watch it it's here on youtube and make sure you subscribe like i said what nobody tells you about sex i dealt with these things a bit more in detail there all right sex before marriage affects intimacy it affects intimacy it doesn't build it it reduces it it affects intimacy somebody's how does the effectiveness is very simple when both of you start having sex for marriage it kind of doesn't allow you grow more in emotional and mental and spiritual intimacy and those other kind paths of intimacy actually more important than the physical intimacy let me explain you literally can have sex with almost anybody physically but you can be connected with everybody emotionally do you understand this you can sex is physical for many people so you can as long as you both have your organs working you can have physical contact but mentally you'll discover it's not everybody in life you can connect mentally you'll discover there are no many people can connect with emotionally that is a special kind of connection so when you bring in this sexual intimacy there it has a way of drowning or reducing the other parts of intimacy in fact even when you don't have emotional intimacy you don't notice it because you're having physical intimacy so it affects real intimacy and for the long haul you see short term this might not look so bad but for long haul you'll find that it affects adversely because you know the long haul it is intimacy that builds sex and not sex that builds intimacy so it's the emotional and mental intimacy that makes sex interesting for married couples not the other way around it's not sex that makes my couples emotionally connected so you're just going back you know you're turning everything upside down and you will regret it so um it affects intimacy and like i said when couples start having premarital sex when the guy is saying i want to see you today most times he's not thinking about talking to you you see when he's saying that he's thinking about sex and you see usually for men where men are wired you know the women are wired once they hit that sexual plato you know their interest generally begins to drop so it affects you know it affects intimacy you need to get this go go watch my video on what nobody tells you about sex you understand second reason here sex affects trust for a dating couple it affects trust because the moment your partner starts sleeping with you you would have the confidence or the belief that they can do it to somebody else i know many couples that face that challenge today you know but people that are keeping themselves if your partner is showing self-control with you you will know that they will probably show it in other places but in most cases if your partner is sleeping with you they are also going to have temptation sleeping with somebody else and as a counselor this is this this is statistically you know this is uh the case most times once once they are not being faithful with you they will also not be faithful anywhere so keeping yourself is very important all right everybody knows that it affects number three it affects sex affects respect sex affects respect everybody knows that that the moment you know people start having sex they they have seen too much of each other already and the the respect they have you know they're just they're just just a way a guy sees a girl when she has not slept with her i mean everybody knows this is true there's a way a guy just sees her you know but the moment he sleeps with her you know the kind of respect you just dropped it's not just the same it's not just the same all right then sex also affects good behavior now many people that normally do understand this but you see for us as counselors many cases where there's adultery in the marriage it started because there was fornication before the marriage do you understand it'd be rare for somebody that didn't have sex before marriage to commit adultery it's very rare most times the two people were cheating with each other when they were single they were not honoring god obeying god and somehow they are thinking that once we get might we are going to be faced with each other no you're already too unfaithful people because you didn't follow the guidelines you didn't follow the principle you didn't follow god so when you get married you continue to take because you have developed the appetite of sticking was not yours when you are single having sex is wrong because you your partner doesn't belong to you yet so you're used to thinking what's not yours when you get my you're not going to just change because you're married because you're worrying i had a ceremony and took pictures that doesn't change anybody all right so it affects good behavior all right with some points wisdom points decide what you want and why in other words decide hey in this relationship i want to save sex till marriage you need to decide it then ask ask yourself why why is it important that you do so you need to come up with your own reasons because you know if you don't know your why's you won't have strong enough reason to do what what you're trying to do so decide what you want and why so for me i'll tell you that it's better for you to keep away sex until you get my what are the wise it's most of what i've been talking about all day he helped rebuild self-control shows that what if you honor god you respect god and you want to you want god to have his place we read the book of hebrews god said fornicators and our daughters god will judge god doesn't take it likely said the marriage bed must be kept undefiled so god doesn't take him lightly all right so you need to know what you want and why why do we want to keep ourselves from sexual immorality you need to decide that why is it important all right and the y is always available number two set clear boundaries so if we've decided that we want to keep ourselves then what are the boundaries should we say okay no more kissing no more meeting in private um let's be accountable let somebody let's get accountable to someone that'll make sure we're keeping our part of the bargain you know set the boundaries no more sleeping over at his house or at her house whatever set the boundaries you know even if you are born in different cities and you travel to go there there are many other things you can do you can stay in your friend's place you can rent a hotel you can find but staying each other in the same house locked up you're at one tempting the devil not the devil tempting you by doing that somebody somebody told me um but okay i'll share that story and then one of the other points let me know share the story here but the point is that set clear boundaries all right set clay boundaries all right next one [Music] you

Channel: Kingsley Okonkwo

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Length: 30min 57sec (1857 seconds)

Published: Sat Aug 08 2020