4 Fears Holding You Back (and How to Overcome Them!)

if you've heard me talk about fears before you know i usually say that there's you know sort of three types of fear and those types of fear are usually oriented towards like loss like i'm scared i'm going to lose you know my identity or i'm scared i'm going to lose my job or i'm going to lose money or i'm going to lose something i also talk about the way that we think about fear we're also scared of the hardship pains you know it's like oh it's going to be difficult or hard or i won't know how to do it or i'll look stupid or the outcome pains and the out campaigns are well if i do all that and it doesn't turn out well well then you know what what's that say about me or gosh why would i wasted all that time so usually when i think about fear i kind of think about it in i guess sort of three time periods like before i do the thing i'm scared if i do that thing i'm gonna lose what i currently have and then i think about well in the process of it i'm scared i'm gonna have some pain it's gonna be hardship and i'm scared after i do it it won't turn out well and i think that's where our minds usually are when we are consciously contemplating fear right if we sit down we think about okay i'm gonna do this thing and we're you know very conscious or aware we sense that oh maybe i'll lose this maybe that'd be hard maybe it won't turn out well but that's really the rationalized fears i think there are also very impulsive fears that we have that often maybe underlie beneath the surface the first one which you know is the fear of rejection as a social species acceptance validation belonging is so built into our dna like it's just who it's like so important to us that doing anything that would risk us looking like a fool that would make your family make fun of you that would make somebody stop loving you or caring for you as much or doing something where you would truly feel like you were now ostracized by people that you care about or care for it's terrifying for people it's funny though when i sit down with a 40 year old and i and we're talking about their life and and you know they're secure at home and they're secure at work and and things are going good you know so life is good but they're trying to reach that next level sometimes we have to really ask am i fearing rejection is that why i'm not at the next level please don't tell me that fear is not an issue in your life and please don't tell me rejection's not because you were scared doing that thing and this might not have been fully conscious you were scared doing that fully thing jumping in that goal that dream somebody might say something to you they might hate on you on the internet your neighbors might look at you funny if they don't already you might have had somebody around kind of like like you just knew their negativity would increase the more risk that you took even though you knew those risks were really the next right actions of integrity for you right it's almost telling people it's like when you're stuck and you don't know what to do i always say just take the next right action of integrity for you whatever that is speak up for yourself take that step move towards that dream whatever you got to do take that next right action of integrity well for a lot of people that's scary when the spouse isn't going gonna be supportive when the boss is gonna say no when the business is secure but now you're gonna try something new that might risk your roi or your cash flow it's scary it's scary and what we all want so much is to be loved and validated and accepted and belong and most people don't look at this one so let's flip it on its head a little bit let's flip it on its head because we know it's a powerful driver for people even if they're not fully aware of how much they really are doing um you know when people read my book the motivation manifesto they're always like man i didn't realize how much i was doing to please other people because those who you might say well rejection is not an issue and i go well are you a pleaser are you a people pleaser are you someone who makes a lot of compromises in your life to help other people um because you just feel like you need to do that and they go yes do you ever please other people to the detriment of yourself they go yeah i go well then you have rejection issues if you can't say no you have rejection issues if you can't take risks you have rejection issues if you're trying to please everybody all the time at the cost of your own health wealth joy confidence in life you have rejection issues and so what to do a couple simple recommendations number one make sure you read at some point of your life the motivation manifesto it will put fire in you to stop being a people pleaser and it will put you back onto marching the right path for yourself and it will do it with some language that will absolutely put some fire under your belly second though let's flip the script a little bit here if we know that human belonging acceptance and love is so important to us but right now we are focused on a rejection or a concern what they might think if i say yes or no or don't do my thing then then maybe we can flip it and say oh well what would i have to do to gain the next level of love connection belonging or validation in this group of people who i want to serve who i want to care for who i want to contribute to okay second big point up here oh my gosh this is a big one if you didn't take that big risk this year i bet this one oh i bet this one was rubbing on your brains and you're like why didn't i do that thing it's because we fear ruin ruin the the fear of complete and utter irreversibility of a negative consequence that's what it is it's that fear of just complete irreversibility of a negative consequence and here's the thing if you've ever found yourself like i'm not gonna do that because that cause that could ruin us you're in a ruined mindset versus a learning mindset i tell people all the time who say well brendan you understand i'm not scared of ruin i'm just scared of being disappointed and i said no you're just not into learning yet you're not scared of disappointment you're just not into learning yet because when you are into learning now disappointment and ruin aren't even on the table anymore because everything is a test everything is a data point everything is something to learn from and everything is a jumping off point not a cliff i know a lot of people in uh the industry of entrepreneurialism or small business owners or people who want to be in that and they go and they say well brenda i'm scared to start my own business because what do they say i'll go broke i'll face financial ruin and i'm always like you know what no one ever hits financial ruin they they really don't there is no financial can't come back from place because every person can make a new dollar right and that new dollar is that's one peg up and another dollar another new dollar and i speak to this not flippantly to you i went bankrupt in my life really i mean full-on bankruptcy in the early part of my life when i first started my first business and i was trying to do teaching and training and online training and workshops i didn't know what i was doing totally went bankrupt and i never thought this is forever oh my god i was like you know what this sucks not what i want so what's the next right action of integrity why is it important that i still show up and deliver with excellence what will i do today if there is tomorrow there is no ruin if there is tomorrow there is no ruin so what do you do as soon as you start feeling yourself catastrophizing remember to ask yourself better questions and say okay not what i wanted so what should i do today not what i wanted what am i going to do with tomorrow morning tomorrow afternoon tomorrow evening to start moving it forward to making that next dollar or that next right action of integrity to make that next call that next email that there's always the next right always the next it's like it's one of the great four letter words of all time next right so ruin shouldn't be stopping you fear of ruin you just have to know where that is because what you're doing is you're catastrophizing and this is really important if you don't feel like you made big leaps this year there was you were scared you were like i'm going to jump off this cliff and take this action and i'm going to fall to my death ruin death destruction instead of saying i'm going to jump off this cliff and i'm going to fly baby i don't know how and i might fall for a little bit but i'm going to flap those wings at some point i'm going to catch that wind and here we go your expectancy was in the gutter versus in the air you were looking down versus looking up you were feeling down versus animating yourself so you felt better and that you moved further so my friends be wary of the ruinous thoughts those global catastrophizing dead negative forever things that you have as soon as you hear it you gotta flip it as soon as you hear it you gotta flip it third big idea in overcoming our fears is that fear of regret fear of regret is such such a sort of um i would say it's like a stake in the ground that you're tied to you know when you just you you won't you know you want to go beyond a boundary but this fear of regret stops you because you know you don't want to regret taking an action because if you took an action and you were rejected and you were ruinous and then you felt like i knew i should have done that well how doubly like doesn't this make everything else worse right if you fear these things and they happen now you regret the action is ten times worse but that's what we keep doing we we ten times our fears by going well if i do i'll regret it and so we gotta just like other things we have to flip this a little bit and we have to go oh okay well what if what if i do positive things so that i don't have negative regrets versus saying well i don't want to do that because i would experience negative regret does that make sense so what positive things can you do so you don't have regret versus fearing something and stopping so you don't have regret meaning most people use regret the wrong way they use regret as a reason to not do something i don't want to do that because i'll regret it versus i'm going to do those things so i don't have regret right many of you guys know my story from my car accident as a 19 year old kid part of the reason i live so courageously and boldly and i put myself out there so much all the time is because i don't want to get the end of my life and say you know what i served half because i was scared i don't get the end of my life and regret going through so many days not present going through so many days just going through the motions going through so many days not engaged with my passions my enthusiasms my loves my people like i don't want to be that guy who's rocking on the rocket chair saying i wish i would have shoulda coulda at the end of my life so i take positive daily actions to avoid that type of experience does it make sense and then i would also say same thing with regret and ruin they're really connected so closely and that we think well you know i don't want to get to end in my life wish i would have shoulda coulda and act like there's still not a tomorrow the ideal of hope for a better tomorrow is one of the great deconstructors of fear because most of our fear is tied to a there's a block there like fear introduces like this black wall in front of us and we forget on the other side there's all this open field of freedom and we just keep thinking like our fear like narrows our view so tightly that we forget that there's tomorrow so people their regrets are held so close like i don't want to do that because i'll regret that and it'll be irrecoverable and i'm just like well when you have a learning mindset there's not much regret like just like i don't have a lot of disappointment i also don't have a lot of regret because i was like oh i did that didn't work out darn it okay shouldn't have done that learn adjust behavior right a lot of people who struggle with concerns and here's a tell if you're a person who like if regret is driving you if this year you also felt a lot of guilt guilt is a great tell that you have a psychological propensity for the fear of regret they're like you know twins it's just like people have lots of fear of regrets also tend to have high psychological concern for guilt like they're guilty they feel guilty all the time i feel guilty i feel guilty i feel guilty i feel guilty and so guess what i don't want to do anything else because i'll regret it because i already feel bad about myself so why take an action i feel so bad about myself why take an action and so their regret has become something that has stopped them their guilt is something that adds on to that and now they're immobilized because of high fear of regret and psychological guiltiness and so what i tell people i say look if you got a lot of guilt there's the simplest ways out right the simplest ways out of guilt i mean i mean the the path out of guilt starts at the path of forgiveness for yourself for other people and i also tell these people this we think of forgiveness often as forgiveness of just ourselves which you should do i mean you got to let it go you you can't advance with all the baggage of self-hate you gotta let that stuff go and so what i tell people is as much as we fear that like i'm gonna you know i'm gonna regret and i have a lot of guilt and they don't let that go and they think forgiveness is just about themselves and others i also go you know what forgive yesterday you weren't as wise or intentional or thoughtful as you could be today and remember that's the idea of hope i i go oh i don't have to regret yesterday i don't have to be guilty about yesterday because you know what i'm better today i learned from that i'm telling you the learning mindset is the great release of fear because as soon as you approach it it's like i'm going to learn through it and get better now the fear doesn't stop you anymore because you don't say well i'm getting stuck here or stuck here or this will happen forever the forever goes away when you finally step into the realization that there is hope there is a tomorrow because you know what i think one side of regret would be to live your whole life with a bleak outlook because you'll get to the end and you go i didn't appreciate it i didn't appreciate all those days i had i didn't appreciate all the second chances i had every time i woke up a new monday morning i didn't appreciate it i missed the whole ride you know i stood in line for the ride of life the whole time i never got on the ride i was just a waiter i was just a watcher i was just i never really engaged that's real regret and i can share with that because i've been there in hospices with people in the last weeks hours minutes of their life and if there is regret it's usually a lack of full engagement with life i didn't really show up i didn't appreciate what i had so if you got a lot of regrets you got to learn to forgive the guilt forgive the bad days and start appreciating today again because you know what when you fall in love with the moment when you fall in love with this opportunity you have when you really appreciate the now then there's not a lot of room for fear in that right in that deep feeling of appreciation it's hard for fear to edge itself in so let go of the regret concerns my friend there's a tomorrow and it's gonna be amazing last piece number four this is what we really fear responsibility we fear that we are actually very responsible for our lives it's like that great marianne williamson quote you've ever heard right the thing we fear so much she was basically saying i don't remember the exact quote because basically you know we're not so much afraid that we're inadequate we're actually fearful of our full power because what would that really bring out in us what would that say if we were fully responsible for the outcomes in our life what would it say if we had more power than we were actualizing in life that's scary people are scared of responsibility and in very tactical ways like if i said to you hey i'm gonna make you responsible for let's say you own a small business and i say i'm gonna make you responsible for 50 more employees and all of their mortgages a lot of people oh my god right total terror to be responsible for other people's lives right or other people's mortgages or other people's whatevers and so responsibility is scary to people right i mean look at any any great personal development teacher at the base of everything they teach is personal responsibility or what used to be called self-reliance that sense of personal power that says i am in command of my life doesn't mean you're in command of everything that happens to you in life but you are in command of your responses and what we are scared of is that we won't show up as our best self to deal with those demands right we're scared of taking full responsibility for everything because what would that say about our lives but i take full responsibility for everything in my life it doesn't mean i believe i caused everything does that make sense so law of attraction people calm down one second take a breather i'm not saying you attracted cancer babe i'm not saying you attracted that mean person i'm not saying you attracted the the the bankruptcy right a lot of that bad teaching early on in the days of the you know the new law of attraction you know was just misguided because there's lots of things that happen to us that are cosmic chaotic weird things that we can't explain or will never be able to understand it's things that we didn't attract we didn't want to happen they happen and it wasn't because you had bad character or you were a negative person or you've done something bad look bad things happen to good people if you haven't read it it's a great book how good people deal with bad things but i would also share with you that ultimately we are responsible for our responses we are responsible for the people who we become maybe you didn't ask for that cancer you are responsible for how you are going to deal with that and for those who go well that's too flippant to say i'm like i just remind you go back and read some viktor frankl man search for meaning he said it best he said the last of the human freedoms is the ability to choose one's own attitude they can take away everything else but they can't take away how you respond in mind and when you know that that gives you great power and responsibility in life and so when you feel like a victim this is one of your great fears you might not call it that you might not recognize it and i just go oh you're scared of responsibility i say this to two people all the time who say but i have a big dream i go have you told your family your friends the people around you what your big dream is well no i said well you you're dealing with this and you're dealing with this you're scared that by putting it out there you won't be able to handle the pressure you won't be able to handle the demands that's scared of that's fear of responsibility i'm fearful that i won't be able to be response able to deal with the stuff and i'm just like there's a tomorrow you can learn like i have extreme personal power because i have hope i have extreme personal power because i have optimism for tomorrow i have extreme personal power because i look at the areas of my life on a weekly basis and i say where have i been stuck where am i fearful what can i do this next week as the next right action of integrity everything we've talked about because here you flip all of these watch what happens in your life right you flip rejection to doing the things that will bring greater connection in your life watch the quality of your life go up you stop worrying about what will be ruined and you start remembering that there's always a tomorrow and you have hope and optimism and you just always ask okay there's not ruined what's my next right action of integrity and you keep moving forward even through the disasters of life watch the courage that enters your heart there watch the confidence that comes in when you keep moving through the storm guess what happens when regret is free you let that go you're gone you're not not worried about the regret of if i do this maybe things will turn out bad and you said okay what would i need to do so i don't experience regret at the end of my life what positive actions could i take to live a life of my own so i don't have regret so i'm proud of my life because pride on the other side of regret feels good then responsibility what would instead of saying well what if i can't handle it or what if i'm not responsible he said you know what i'm totally responsible for this i am able to shape this guide this change this make it better now you're really stepping in your personal power and when you move through these things on just a very tactical weekly basis you're aware of these fears and you start flipping them you start flipping them you start flipping them you start flipping them you get in this rhythm and all of a sudden you say wow i feel really courageous in my life and that's when you start making your greatest contributions hey y'all i hope you enjoyed this episode if you did would you please smash that subscribe button and also post any questions you have down below because it's these questions that you're all asking that inspires these episodes i'd love to hear what you think about it also if you would love to join us on our next upcoming live training we call it our high performance experience coaching program if you like some coaching and have some perspective and get some two hours of live with me every single month then click the link in the post down below so you can join us in hpx coaching i'd love to give you some more strategies more insight and more interaction to help you reach your next level of success until next time again please subscribe share this video with anybody who could be inspired by it today and thanks one more time for being part of my community

Channel: Brendon.com

Views: 206,312

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Keywords: self-help self-improvement personal development the charged life, personal growth, motivation, inspiration, motivational video, motivational speaker, inspiring videos, inspirational quotes, motivational quotes, life quotes, life coaching, high performance coach, success strategies, the charge, the motivation manifesto, brendon burchard, fears that hold us back, how to overcome fear, dealing with fear, facing your fears, understanding your fear, fear of rejection, regret, courage

Id: RqXPQT7IhAM

Length: 24min 48sec (1488 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 11 2020