4 Dumb Ways Modern Movies Portray Masculinity - YBOC (Mission Impossible, DCEU)

[Music] hey there nerds my birth name is dr jordan brady named of course after the inventor of cows but for legal and personal reasons you can call me doc johnson you're watching another episode of your brain on crack the show where once again i've grown just the manliest facial hair and then the only show on crack where i could do this [Music] pretty sick huh manly even well my highlight reel perfectly pairs with both my lip hair and the theme of this episode because today i will legally ish diagnose [Music] look obviously women are poorly portrayed in movies it's a serious issue and we should absolutely discuss it but also how about boys huh have you ever seen a grown man naked i mean men are complicated nuanced beings no two men define masculinity the same way and each of our boners hides its own precious secrets but despite the vast and wondrous spectrum that is man hollywood seems to have extremely specific and narrow ideas of what a man is supposed to be [Music] back in the 1980s we didn't care if our burly action heroes could say anything coherent arnold schwarzenegger talked like a moose trying to describe the peanut butter in its mouth and sylvester stallone sounded like that same moose but also gently lowering itself onto a whoopee cushion rocco the room runner rubbed out rika the rat with his rascal for robin's room running receipts we didn't care though because our swollen pecs and rattling them 60s did all the talking for them diplomacy was a dick measuring contest with a stick of dynamite jean-claude always won he's italian right [Music] but these days good guy protagonists can't solely be muscle-bound meat sex they must also hold multiple doctorates in every [ __ ] science field writers can think of indiana jones has a phd in archaeology paired with a master's in you know ripping dicks off with a whip from 12 paces even the biggest dumbest superhero the hulk spends most of his movies as one of the planet's leading scientists and you just know that he's performing complex math calculations in his head while he just tears fighter jets in half one two two five seven it would be nice to think that the message is you know even nerds can be cool but those guys don't win by being nerds in nearly every case the real heroism comes in the form of a punch to the throat punch me in the [ __ ] face remember those robert downey jr sherlock holmes movies in which sherlock uses his brilliant mind to just just beat the [ __ ] of guys in shirtless pit fights as if he can tell by the speck of paint on a dude's shoes that he'll be super susceptible to temple punches that was weird right but at least it shows him fighting as a hobby like to get good at it but the bbc version also wins every fistfight and you also might remember the new star trek movies wherein mr spock uses his vulcan logic to form plans like hold my b i'm gonna go beat the [ __ ] of this dude if a character in a hollywood film is only brilliant they're not the hero they're some obnoxious sidekick friggin nerd jude law's dr watson is automatically a secondary character because while he's smart his left jab is laughably slow just another fight you just had a fight support characters and major franchises like mission impossible jason barn and star trek typically played by the simon peggs and the seth greens of the world they all suck at fighting and will inevitably spend the whole movie hacking computers but also commenting on how much more money they could be making in the private sector where they'd also be much more appreciated the only other line of work for intelligent movie characters is like full-on villainy virtually every major bond villain enemy of the avengers or twisted post-apocalyptic politician employs a never-ending supply of beefy henchmen to make up for their lack of a strong power squats game lex luthor tricks superman into fighting batman because lex's only superpower is like reading books really fast and when his plan is foiled by the power of mutual mother loving luther builds an evil demon creature to fight on his behalf and when that doesn't work he just heads quietly to jail because he can barely bench the bar why do we have problems up here intelligence alone should be enough to prove your worth even if your standing backflip could use some work or honestly if you can do a standing backflip then we should as a society treasure you you don't need both you go girl [Music] if hollywood refuses to let intelligent male characters take the reins unless they're also covered in beef that goes double for short men you can be the most handsome witty charismatic male on earth but if you're one inch below average height the tough [ __ ] hollywood will desperately avoid revealing that awful truth to the audience unless they vomit in the aisles with disgust i'm scared get the phone call 9-1-1 if shortness is acknowledged on screen it's like a punch line it's a hilarious inadequacy that either leads to constant desperate attempts at comedy or a life of crime is a bad guy's sidekick movies would have us believe that short people live a life of existential struggle that they are nothing more than incomplete souls crying out from children's clothes the average height of an american male is five foot nine and a half inches tall which is also what american men claim their penis length is on self-reported surveys but tom cruise is famously two and a half inches shorter than this average but we only know that because our own insecurity demands we find a flaw any flaw in this 58 year old man with two percent body fat and chiseled features that only become more handsome with age [Music] yet you'd never know he was a tiny man from watching his movies for example thing rhames is over six feet but he's somehow shorter than tom in mission impossible how take a look at the scene is he sitting down are they 40 yards apart but tom isn't alone on his island of disgusting disfigurement mark wahlberg is 5-8 and zac efron is also 5-8 and sylvester stallone is like two apples high and yet every time they're in a movie they can somehow look all the average-heighted people in the eyes presumably because filmmakers force them to stand on little boxes to hide the fact they're grotesque undersized genetic failures i don't want to be changed and god forbid i reveal that the five foot nine robert downey jr is in fact three inches shorter than chris evans i could do this all day oh i'm starting to want you to make me do you think this weird prejudice starts with filmmakers or with audiences who have tender profiles that say under six feet need not apply would we really refuse to be inspired by or date a hero who possesses every other positive trait on earth courage humor charm muscles wealth confidence sexuality a positive counter-strike kdr just because they can also comfortably ride in the backseat of a civic it's not like i'm expecting the hero to solve every mystery and defeat every bad guy with slam dunks although now that i'm thinking about it that would be that would be great make that please i demand it [Music] man there is something so sexy about a dead serious man willing to do anything to get the job done you know the batmans and the liam neesons of the world men who ruthlessly cut through criminal organizations while brooding about the atrocities they've been forced to commit even the supposedly goody two-shoe superman now scowls as he struts out of exploded courthouses filled with charred corpses and jars of pee take a bucket of piss and call it granny's peach tea man is any of the sexiness getting you hot and bothered yet because it is me man everyone's gay once in a while these men are almost never seen eating but they're always drinking and if they're in bed they're having nightmares about those they've lost or having wild but dispassionate sex or both they are cold and distant when they're not being glib and this is all done in the name of emotional complexity but can we still call it that when every character is the same for example why does hollywood refuse to accept superman as just a morally sound hero who genuinely wants to help people struggling to protect those weaker than him is a perfectly legitimate problem did they think we couldn't relate to him unless he cried in an ice cave like he's in an evanescence music video [Music] [Applause] every action movie and show seems to be in an arms race to give their stars the most severe ptsd or the highest number of dead loved ones it used to be that we just showed how grizzled a cop was by how old the chinese takeout was in his filthy fridge but now it's measured in how many times he flashes back to his family just getting set on fire daily you will not die stanley stanley barack is president you are black sadly it's not like this is making the characters any more relatable to young audiences see he's just like you remember last week when your family was set on fire you're the same if you're gonna freak out every time that you see a frozen chicken i think we should go to the hospital i don't know anything about this after all it's not like they are heroic despite their tortured psychology or that it's something to overcome the psychological damage is the source of their power john wick is just a boring retired dude until a pair of tragedies utterly destroys his life at which point he expresses his grief through numerous therapeutic sessions of gun food mad max's defining character trait is that he never smiles jokes or shares anything about himself he uh tells a comrade his name and that's treated like some kind of crazy shocking breakthrough at every turn the message is the same you're not a true sexy badass unless you're also a tortured shell of a man and also if you hang upside down after sex [Music] apparently jokes about female rape are still circulating out there though not as many as there were a few years ago but it was always very rare to see a movie play a violent male on female sexual assault for laughs but if the victim is a dude and especially if they're doing time well there's nothing funnier he's not a dude you're a dude this is a man it's a reprehensible nightmare of a thing the worst thing happening in the worst possible circumstances yet hollywood cannot get enough of prison rape shows to show you how easygoing they are about it realize that every time anybody ever jokes don't drop the soap they're hilariously referring to a criminal raping you jokes about it are so acceptable they turn up on freaking spongebob squarepants look doubloons don't drop them they refer to it in naked gun and guardians of the galaxy and they hang the entire plot of get hard on it if will ferrell and kevin hart had negotiating their contract to get paid like 15 per rape joke they would have tripled their multi-million dollar salaries if i see you around here again i'm gonna put a hashtag on your ass and see how many hits it gets oh my god this is a real horrible phenomenon that's presumably happening to someone somewhere right now and the unspoken implication is that oh they deserve it speaking of will ferrell that's the exact implication being made in the other guys i hope you like prison food and penis really is that what we're going with that our civilized society has built a justice system in which one of the punishments for selling weed or stealing a car is the possibility of being violated even if congress codified that into law and even if we all decided that rape is a suitable punishment for tax evasion it would still be super weird to joke about right and if the victim himself is a rapist so what you're trivializing the very thing he's guilty of one of your fellows hurry up and rape this guy already yeah so that ended on a downer note but you learn some things when you spend a lot of time on the inside of a movie theater you know watching movies anyway that's pretty much it be sure to see kathy on your way out for some drugs that'll add a girthy six inches to your height [Music] uh

Channel: Cracked

Views: 157,967

Rating: 4.5812097 out of 5

Keywords: Cracked, Your Brain On Cracked, Doctor Jordan Breeding, Jordan Breeding, Mission Impossible (film franchise), James Bond (film franchise), Ethan Hunt, Tom Cruise, MCU, DCEU, Superman, James Bond, Spongebob Squarepants, Sylvester Stallone, Rambo, Arnold schwarzenegger, Hollywood, Men, Movie Tropes, Gender, Iron Man, Captain America, Henry Cavill, Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Guardians of the Galaxy, Avengers, Evanescence, Comedy, Movie Plot Holes, Plot Holes, 80s action movies

Id: cLrHGsvlJpA

Length: 13min 0sec (780 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 15 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/Shi144]

Well done, and good points!

[u/Banake]

Well, one modern Cracked video I agree with.

[u/Rick_the_Rose]

I swore I stopped following after Cracked fired everyone who mattered. I’ll get it right this time.