Some of the Best of Achmed | JEFF DUNHAM

- Well ladies and gentlemen, there is a terrorist amongst us. But apparently he was not an accomplished terrorist. I don't know if he actually accomplished anything that he set out to do. I do know that he managed to blow himself up. And I don't know how it's gotten to the point that I can actually give this introduction, but here it is. Please help me welcome the most beloved terrorist throughout the world, Achmed. Achmed, Achmed the dead terrorist. (upbeat music) ♪ Jingle bombs jingle bombs ♪ ♪ Mine blew up you see ♪ - Good evening, Achmed. - Good evening, infidel. - So you're a terrorist. - Yes. I am a terrorist. - What kind of terrorist? - A terrifying terrorist. Are you scared? - Not really, no. (growls) - And now? - Not really, no. (growls louder) - Silence! I kill you. - Achmed-- - No, no, it's Achmed. - That's what I said. - No, you said Achmed. It's Achhmed. (throat noises) Silence! I kill you. - How do you spell it? - What? - How do you spell your name? - Oh, let's see. A C phlegm. Silence! I kill you. - Achmed, if you're a terrorist, I would suppose you have some sort of specialty. - Yes, I am a suicide bomber. - So, you're finished. - What? - You've done your job. - No, I haven't. - But you're dead. - No, I'm not. I feel fine. - But you're all bone. - It's a flesh wound. - Achmed-- - No, no, Achnadina. - Do you dress like this often? - No, only when I want free drinks. Am I right ladies? Someone told me yesterday I look like a Victoria Secret model. - Really? - I know what their secret is. - What? (retches) well, I must say I like your pink dress. - Fuchsia. - You look good. - Can you tell I had some work done? Yes, the last time I had this much plastic on my chest, it exploded. I need a note. So I know where the hell I am. You got a note for me, guitar guy? Uhhhh. Uhhhh. Uhhhh. - You weren't even close. - Gosh, I wonder why. Look at my giant ears. - Can we have the note again? - Yeah, good. Didn't hear it the first time. (guitar hums) - Uhhh ♪ Dashing through the sand ♪ ♪ With a bomb strapped to my back ♪ ♪ I have a nasty plan for Christmas in Iraq ♪ ♪ I got through checkpoint A ♪ ♪ But not through checkpoint B ♪ ♪ That's when I got shot in the ass ♪ ♪ By the US military ♪ Silence! I'm not finished. And this is a sad song. ♪ I used to be a man ♪ ♪ But every time I cough ♪ ♪ Thanks to Uncle Sam my nuts keep falling off ♪ Stop looking, you perverts. You can look, badakadonk chick. Okay, that's funny. I give you that one, that was good. ♪ My bombing days are done ♪ ♪ I need to find some work ♪ ♪ Perhaps it would be much safer ♪ ♪ As a convenience store night clerk ♪ ♪ Oh jingle bombs, jingle bombs ♪ ♪ I think I got screwed ♪ ♪ Don't laugh at me because I'm dead ♪ ♪ Or I kill you ♪ - So how were the cheerleaders at your school? - Oh, we didn't even have girls. - No girls? - No, I had to take my buddy Omar to the prom. Hey, he could dance. Later he became a village person. I'm not kidding. - Wait, your buddy Omar was in the singing group The Village People? - Uh huh. - Which guy was he? - Was he like the cowboy or the construction worker? - Indian. - He was the Indian? (imitates native) (explosion) What was that? - A bomb. - Native Americans didn't use bombs. (imitates native) (arrow sounds) (dying sounds) - Hey. They got it. They knew I got shot by an arrow. I must be a pretty good actor. Can I try it again to make sure it wasn't a fluke? - Okay. - This time much bigger arrow, much more drama. (arrow sounds) (loud screaming) (louder screaming) I got shot in the shoulder I'm not gonna die. (loud screaming) Now my stomach. (retching sounds) Okay, I'm done, I can sit up now. - Actually, you can't. Your ribs are caught on your spine. Hang on one second. - What? You feed me a sandwich every once in a while, this (bleep) would not happen. (screams) I kill you. Silence, I kill you.

Channel: Jeff Dunham

Views: 7,315,269

Keywords: achmed, all over the map, america's got talent, arguing with myself, beside himself, bubba j, christmas special, comedian, comedy, comedy special, commercial, controlled chaos, funny, hilarious, jeff dunham, jeff dunham netflix, jeff dunham: beside himself, keel, minding the monsters, movie, movie trailer, netflix, netflix original, netflix special, peanut, promotion, spark of insanity, stand-up, trailer, tv, unhinged in hollywood, ventriloquist, walter, Best of, comedy central, promo, tntl

Id: xSgF24j_LfA

Length: 9min 21sec (561 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 24 2020