Testing The Limits - Chris Rock's Everybody Hates Chris Marathon

hey Greg what's up my father's going out of town for a week I have to stay with my grandmother not looking forward to it why not [Music] anyways we'll catch you later but most of my life I've never had a friend still at my house hey Greg mostly because I didn't have a friend and we already have too many people in our house you want to just come stay at my house are you serious that'd be totally awesome yeah all I have to do is ask my mom boy are you crazy and why are you just bringing this up on me so you can't come stay with us well maybe it's just that I'm at work and I don't have time to get ready for company all right Greg can stay but just tell him don't expect anything special good morning man don't expect anything special don't worry dude I'm just happy to be here Greg order this isn't special I'd hate to see her overdo it eat help my mother's possessed by a nice lady [Music] thank you [Music] [Music] um [Music] now wait a minute you know we say grace every night no you don't yes we do now shut up and bless the food if I didn't think the Lord at the table my mother was gonna send me to thank him in person dear Lord bless this food that we are thankful to receive amen what kind of food is this a vegetarian my stomach has a lot of trouble breaking down enzymes I didn't know you could buy vegetarian fatback that's not bad they passed a big piece of vegetable do we have to eat this if you want to eat here hey Drew thanks for giving me your bed but if you want me to sleep on the couch instead of you I understand oh no way now I have the TV to myself at night James do you want me to make you extra plate for work oh that'd be great baby thank you work it's night time he works at night and days but that is two jobs make that three I just picked up a side job driving a cab a cab when do you have time to drive a cab I'm just trying it for the weekend I'll see how it goes wow when do you sleep hey that's a good one sleep Greg brought so much stuff I couldn't tell if he was staying over or taking over you want Transformers pajamas man you're 15. I like to praise different characters that way God doesn't get bored with me tonight I'm Optimus Prime leader of the Autobots now I lay me down to sleep pray the Lord my soul to keep amen he should pray for some self-esteem [Music] good night man I can't tell you how great it is being here no problem night the snoring actually wasn't that bad compared to what followed Jesus [Music] and she's dancing like she's never danced before I was hoping a maniac would break in and smother Greg with a pillow Greg was driving me up the wall and my dad was about to get taken for a ride [Music] where to Las Vegas seriously man where to Las Vegas Nevada crazy get out of my cab okay no seriously brother I really need to get to Las Vegas look I could not take you to Las Vegas you're taking Las Vegas for a thousand dollars for a thousand dollars he'd take you to South Africa during the height of Apartheid let me call my wife just say goodbye hey you guys your cereal is on the table hey here we go Greg egg white frittata honey do melon and dry wheat toast thanks this looks delicious why does he get all this because our regular food to kill him foreign it's me listen I won't be home for dinner tonight I have to take a passenger to Vegas are you crazy what about your regular job I have a few sick days I can use I'll be back by the end of the week the guy's gonna pay me a thousand dollars give me Wayne Newton's autograph bye well my father set off for Sin City I showed Greg around the Original Sin City bed Style you can't decide on a hairstyle I'm stuck between birdian white and Dr J I cannot cut your hair Greg why not first of all the hair is not long enough to be birdie and white it's not cool enough to be Dr J I have never used these scissors on straight hair I don't know what happened I'll start cutting your hair man Spock stop Flying everywhere the whole hair cuts on fire and I will not be sued by white people I got the purple your haircut huh five dollars this has a hole in it oh it's not a hole it's distressed guys in Manhattan pay top dollar for this in fact a distressed man got shot in that shirt [Music] hey what's up dude from across the street who this oh it's my friend Greg he's staying at my house for a few days hey little white dude standing across the street let me hold a dollar nice shirt risky got the shirt from Jerome it's hey I just got a nickname hey just got robbed cool [Music] what are you talking about hey I hate to hold this up but I am starving you hungry it's on me if you're paying he's eating and I could eat I'll go and get some food you keep the car running he should call the cops [Music] she did not just leave a mineral Greg's pillow foreign [Music] hey man what are you doing I thought I told you to wait in the car I'm calling my wife I haven't talked to her all day do you want a thousand dollars or do you want to talk to your wife nobody had to ask my father that question twice let's go check it out at 11. hey man where you been washing your dishes what are you doing Turn The MacGyver but I wanted to watch Nova Nova what is that it's a show on PBS about science as it relates to the universe cool that's almost like MacGyver just like Lawrence Welk is like Soul Train Chris Greg is your guest let him watch Nova gelato is that Italian for Jello thanks I thought having Greg stay over would be fun probably what the Indians thought when they first saw Columbus oh no webw 10 20 news Time 5 a.m the search continues Across America for the taxi cab Bandit the suspect Greg was an only child and he was afraid to sleep alone so he dressed as superheroes to scare the boogeyman Greg get up time to go what time is it 5 A.M we don't have to be to school for another three hours yeah but we know Harry will miss the first bus first how many are there three plus a little bit of a walk Greg was going to have to walk a mile in my mouth [Music] Greg hurry up I need to get in Chris would you shut up boy what is your problem I need to go to the bathroom are you bang on that door again imma knock out whatever you holding in [Music] hey good morning Julius how'd you sleep like a baby do you mind if I make a quick phone call sure I don't mind you think you can have the car running and ready to go in five minutes sure thing all right I'm just gonna collect the deposit for the rooms back okay all right not just his deposit everybody's deposit foreign I'd like to make a collect call my father had a system to beat the high price of call and collect hello Nebraska cornfields Chris garbage collect call from your father yeah he's doing fine he's in Nebraska and the cornfields are pretty and Chris should remember to take out the garbage eventually the phone company started hanging up on my father back in school Greg was catching up on more than his studies what year did the American Revolution begin Greg Greg 1942. Craig what's wrong with you you're usually so alert it's because you stand at my house for the week oh my God he's drunk did he have a 40 for breakfast I'm not drunk I'm just not used to getting up so early don't be ashamed Chris's people have a history of being up when the rooster crows to go to work in the fields who could expect you to keep up go back to sleep she was done I miss an address after school Greg was doing his homework while I was doing my work work okay a doc left some instructions for you Chris I get all the merchants out of all these boxes and stock the shelves with them okay now all the empty boxing can be broken down and cut up into small pieces and thrown to the dumpster behind a Chinese place when Mr who isn't looking now when that's done you start your work hey ya Greg you need anything soda ice cream bar do your homework like that Chris because I'm too busy cutting up box Meanwhile my father had turned into ALC Collins and he didn't even know it hey you might want to slow down they love pulling people over our roads like these if you're black they like to pull you over coming out of your driveway you know I think we need to stop for gas soon I'm seeing the price of gas lately it's highway robbery highway robbery what's that supposed to mean I mean gas is costing me a fortune oh that's what you mean here I'll pay for the last fill up a 20 keep the change thanks man if my father was alive to see the price of gas today it would kill him now why are you in such a rush to get to Vegas anyway one reason Karen we're together and I lost her well what happened it's a long story I made some mistakes and now I have to go back and tell Karen I love her and get her back well I hope it all works out for you ready not to be nosy but you got cash why don't you just fly to Vegas oh I'm I'm claustrophobic not to mention truthaphobic [Music] oh Chris your dad wanted to remind you to take the garbage out already did what's wrong baby oh my it's just no not you baby I was talking to Greg what's wrong I had to get up so early and it took so long to get to school I feel they'll run down sorry you felt that way Greg you want Chris to run you a hot bath a hot bath she wouldn't let me use hot water to make hot water I am not running him a bath crispy nice okay Greg has had a long day um that's okay it's about time for bed okay oh good night boys what's wrong with you you had the same day as me and that's cool and work so why are you so tired like I do this every day exactly if you got treated like me you wouldn't last two seconds hey man at least you have a little help around here most of the time I have to get by on my own oh yeah with your own room your own TV your own allowance you know what you're being really immature I'm being immature man you're the one going to bed dress is Superman no I'm going to bed dressed as Clark Kent what I'm trying to say is you've been for the past four days I'm getting tired of doing everything for you you know what nobody asked you to do anything for me I don't want you to do anything for me at least that way I won't have to hear your mouth cool good morning baby where's Greg his frittata is ready go upstairs oh well I gotta go okay so make sure you clean off the table and lock up because I had to be in early and tell Greg I said bye okay bye since Greg didn't want me to do anything that's exactly what I did [Music] why didn't you wake me up you told me you didn't want me to do anything for you so I didn't that didn't mean I want you to let me sleep through school I missed the quarterly history test well maybe you should have gone to bed just a Superman that way you could have flown to school good thing he doesn't have heat vision She's Got Friends by the dozens this is it yeah this is it and here's your thousand dollars Julius I really want to thank you for getting me out of a jam a 10 to 20 year Jam or it's been so long since I seen Karen I really hope I'm doing the right thing do you love it without a doubt what are you doing the right thing you know I got a good feeling about you and Karen what's going on what's going on come out with your hands up look before you pick me up I robbed the bank rob the bank yeah in every other place we stopped since we left Jersey what are you doing man I'm sorry I had to come to this Julius but I cannot go back to jail you'll never take me alive please take me alive back home Greg and I were having our own standoff minus the guns in the masculinity [Music] okay what's going on between you two ask him Chris I didn't do a thing you didn't wake me up you didn't wake him up man that's wrong who asked you excuse me I can handle this you didn't wake him up that's wrong well nobody wakes me up nobody puts chocolate on my pillow if I took a half hour shower and saying that's what friends are for and you had to pee you would smack the crack out my behind okay watch yourself boy if you don't want me to be here why'd you even invite me if you want to be here why don't you just go maybe I will see you fine I want to call my grandmother may I use your phone sure Greg Chris what is wrong with you I live here ain't treating him better than me baby Greg is your guest okay I've been doing stuff for him for one week because he's your friend I've been doing stuff for you for 15 years because you're my son okay don't ever forget that she wasn't home oh yes she was [Music] meanwhile in Las Vegas my father rolled the dice trying to reason with a Madman Eddie you got to give up man the cops are gonna start shooting oh I got a plan for that I'm gonna use your body as a shield honey I love you Eddie I love you Karen I love you too baby I love you please do it for me Eddie okay all right I give up I give up all right that's the first time a woman ever made a man put a gun down let me go officer I know you need to take this in his evidence please you're under arrest no they need to take you in as evidence after a week of doing things for Greg the hardest thing was something I had to do for myself you asleep I'm not talking to you but if I were talking to you I tell you how angry I am because of what you did look I'm sorry but you know how tired you were last night that's how tired I am every night but I don't get to cry about it I just gotta deal with it you don't have it so hard how do you figure that so you live in Bed-Stuy it takes you three hours to get to school and you have an after-school job so what I wish I had someone to fight over the TV or bathroom with the last thing my mother cooked on the stove got her a year of probation I don't do everything on my own because I want to do it because I have to dang I guess I never thought of it like that sorry man I didn't mean to be such pain ah forget it not Thomas Morello what happened and maybe she'll let you take a makeup exam you think yeah I'll just tell her that you drink a 40 by accident by the time Greg left my house he really felt at home nobody do about to go home let me hold it down sure see ya hey if you pass to go with that shirt I can tie you up sorry but I just got robbed oh what happened next time yeah see ya Greg [Music] see that's cool man just tell me they were Negroes it's okay but we're officiated a little warning I always thought that Greg was lucky because he had lots of toys a nice allowance and freedom but Greg showed me that I had the most important thing a person can have a family oh oh oh I need to draw you a bath yeah after Greg was gone I actually kind of missed him how was your trip babe that's a long story so how was it having Greg over you stay over again some [Music] get some I never worked so hard in my entire life and I want my bad back she did not make me eating more soul food I can't believe your brother's bed to Gray and you started watching dishes okay [Music] [Music] [Music] foreign [Applause] [Music] from the time I was young the thing I dreamed most about was car even though I couldn't drive I always imagine what kind of car I would get if I could you and I used to pretend every car that came down the street was out my red oh that's my green my nah you can have that one when I got older I was always asking my dad to let me drive hey Dad can I drive and he always said the same thing try sure you can drive as soon as you turn 16 go to Driver's Ed get a driver's license graduate from high school get a job get out of my house get a car get insurance yeah then you can drive anytime you want he could have just said no need that street cleaning today hate having to move this car all the time even though he always said no I had to ask can I do it no you don't know how to drive Chris yeah I do you know how to draw yeah okay let's see having a steering wheel in my hands was one of the most amazing feelings I've ever had right behind my first kiss hadn't happened yet okay now put the car in our I got it okay [Music] [Applause] wow you really can drive I learned from watching you it was just a few feet but they were the most exciting feat I've ever experienced [Music] don't [Music] foreign [Music] street cleaning day was great sometimes they even cleaned the street only one thing would have made it better Chris I'm tired can you move the car across the street before you go to school yeah without me really you ready no no I got it good make sure you put on your seat belt I will and don't touch my mirror I won't don't move my seat okay warm up the engine right and don't go burn it up guys I'm just moving the car across the street that's three cents worth of gas by the time this checklist was over I had had a license a diploma and had made my third appearance on Showtime at the Apollo hurry up or you'll be late for school my father's trust made me feel like a man and so did this hey Chris you driving now yeah so if you ever need a ride someplace just let me know especially if that's some places across the street well maybe we could take a ride after school maybe but I gotta go I don't want to hit traffic at that moment I had a decision to make drive across the street and look like a fool or drive around the corner and feel real cool foreign [Music] [Music] I gotta go to court I got a speeding ticket my mother had her own style of driving call The Fast and the Furious best I drift move out the way I told you about speeding now you have to spend the whole day off from work just to pay a ticket I'm not paying the ticket because I wasn't speeding cop gives me a ticket for doing 32 under 25. who does 32-25 if I'm a speed imma do 30 miles over the limit not seven drool Tanya come on let's go how come y'all are at school school is closed for teachers records day yeah and Mom is making us go with her so we don't disturb you while you sleep [Music] while my mother got ready to challenge the law I was still breaking it hey look dope from across the street check you out man I know you know how to drive just moving my dad's car for street cleaning wow you look a little stiff in there little dude I said man you got a copper lean pop your collar up a little bit I'll show you another thing I learned about cars is that it's not always what you drive it's how you're driving yeah pop this up something like this I go ahead and lean [Music] me [Music] can't see nothing but you look good though I gotta get to school come on let's go you see me but take my word for it I look cool while I was on the road my mother was why I don't get on my last nerves today oh Excuse Me Miss could you tell me when my case is up let's see your case number 89 and as soon as this one ends we're moving on to case number number two what are you talking about excuse me uh man could you maintain the Chrome and observe complete silence while this court is in session thank you come on meanwhile Jerome had me driving like he was Miss Daisy and just a little bit further man I need to get the car parked so I can go to school where do you need to go right here right here little dude that's my stop thanks little dude oh man what's wrong with you I'm gonna be late to school because I missed my bus and I still haven't parked the car look man just relax all right little dude it's a spot right over there I can't park there I'm 50 blocks from my house you got the car why don't you drive to school because it'll be the last ride I ever take because I'm not supposed to be driving I'm supposed to be parking plus I don't even have my license well I'm just saying if you're doing something you ain't supposed to be doing you might as well do something you're supposed to do sounds crazy makes sense [Music] I guess hey you think you can stop by and pick me up on your way home from school oh all right let me hold a dollar I need bus fare what about my gas money to bring you here thanks little dude remember what I showed you I was supposed to park across the street but now I was on the Highway to Hell even though I was get out of my wish there was something about driving that made me feel like the coolest kid in the world [Music] and the only thing cooler than driving to school was pulling up in front of you Chris is that you I always suspected you were held back a couple of years but I know you could drive why'd you get your license I don't have my license what are you doing driving and where'd you get a car it's my dad's car what are you doing with it moving into the other side of the street or the other side of the barrel cool this is totally off the hook Greg was actually the first one to use that phrase and eventually went on to teach Snoop shizzle talk why aren't you afraid your dad might find out he's a pretty hard sleeper you wanna come back by five I think I should be okay the truth was my father could sleep through anything [Music] the other kids see this we're gonna be so in there Greg you can't tell anyone about this he finds out and calls my dad I'm dead so you can't say anything to anyone your secret's safe with me no it's not oh hey Chris I heard you got your father's juice in a quarter cool hey Malcolm Racer X I heard you got your father's hoopty cool hey Chris I heard you've got a father cool Greg I thought I told you not to tell anybody about the car now the whole school knows I'm sorry man you've got a car and I know you it's the closest thing I've ever gotten to being cool you know Jennifer Thompson yeah so well every time I'm around her I get tongue-tied and I finally had something worth saying to her that I had my father's car and then I'm riding shotgun if I had had a shotgun Greg would be riding in the trunk case number seven hungry me too well I knew y'all would say that I got a snack just open this chips ma'am you have been warned already for making too much noise I'm sorry judge I got hungry kids over here we're just having a little snack that's all well why don't you try and have it quiet [Music] go look for a vending machine and bring us back a soda guilty 20 days 200 fine for a parking ticket 350. oh my mother found out that judge was a hard case so your left tail light was out 10 years 10 years move it Paisan unless you had soft curves guilty six months house arrest what oh okay okay she better hope his wife ain't home girl they got you for speeding too you don't look like nothing on you go fast told you this was going to be big hey Chris why not oh can we turn on the radio yeah Chris turn on the radio I had broken every room my father had given me but since I had the car there was no reason not to take advantage of it especially since all I had to do was let it sit there hey Chris can you take us for a ride while I was finding out what cars do for guys my mother was finding out what guys do for girls you wanna I clocked her doing 62 and a 55. It also says here that you crashed into the side of a building destroyed four parked cars drove through a pond and parked by a fire hydrant I throw myself onto the mercy of the court I deserve to be punished don't be so hard on yourself you know I don't really think you intended to go 62 and a five the judge is trying to go 47 in a 22. I tell you what I'm gonna do I'm gonna let you off with just a warning okay and I hope that you've learned your lesson gone tell me disgusting I know I learned my lesson next time I'ma come in a tighter dress and a low-cut top who said that [Music] I don't know let me go find him you stay here if they call 89 tell them to wait while my mother was creeping out of court back on the street I was rolling it's a shame the white kids have more Rhythm than me [Music] yeah what's wrong everything I'm just glad we're in Brooklyn and not Alabama [Music] I learned all kinds of things about driving a car but not a single thing about fixing them maybe it's just out of gas it's not out of gas maybe the battery's dead great nobody can have a double funeral I think I know somebody might be able to help us janitor the person that calling on it and nobody do anything about I heard it didn't get a favor once for five bucks type of favor next time kid study for your test foreign I know you you're that black kid Chris yeah so can you do me a favor well that depends I got five bucks Drew running loose in a building full of courtrooms my mother was imagining the worst I'd find defending guilty of being a black teenager in a court of law I didn't do it Mom hey Ma Joe where have you been I just made ten dollars some guy just paid me to pee in a cup look give me that money don't you know that's against the law not technically and you were supposed to be getting soda where's the soda I had to drink them so I could pee you have to spend money to make money try it now Chris all right you fixed it no problem that'll be five bucks I already gave you five that was for the favor this is to keep my mouth shut [Music] I still in business with you foreign he made a three-lane change and then proceeded to make a U-turn in a business district excuse me I Hit the Lights did you see my little girl yeah she stepped up what do you mean stepped out she's just a little girl whoa you're the one that left it here did you just love me stay here if they call number 89 just tell them to wait okay I love their daughter thank you Mama she's on trial too I bet she is baby come on hey I got a speeding ticket well I got a speeding ticket too we're going seven miles over the speed limit can you believe that that's not even speeding I said the same thing girl it's all right I'll pay the fine I'm just glad they didn't check my trunk because they found my guns and drugs I would have been in trouble okay uh well you take care congratulations bye nice talking to you continue baby tell the streets we said hello okay it's number 89. case number 89 oh 89 that's me yeah did I tell you to tell me oh you officer tell me what happened yeah Sharonda uh on the date in question I clocked the defendant here doing 32 miles an hour in a 25 mile an hour Zone and when I approached the vehicle she Unleashed a torrent of obscenities and I honestly I was personally offended ma'am your highness your honor oh I'm sorry your Anna now I know the officer may have clocked me doing 32. so let me get this straight you want me to take your word versus the word of a sworn officer of the law yes okay do you have any other Witnesses [Music] nope guilty in that in that case I'm throwing myself at the mercy of the court I have been such a very bad girl and and I deserve to be punished I know this that's what I'm doing 50 days or fifty dollars don't come on Judge okay okay wait wait wait I I I promise you I wasn't speeding ma'am everyone who came in here today said the same thing whether they were going 32 and a 25 or 37 and a 30 or 62 and a 55 I wasn't guilty I didn't see the sign assistant I didn't do nothing wrong did you just hear yourself wait wait a minute did it ever occur to you that everybody that came in here today just so happened to be going seven miles exactly over the speed limit not two not ten not twelve but one two three four five six seven seven everybody officer do you have the calibration report for your radar gun on a day in question uh no I don't Chase dismissed yes I'm sorry this is a courtroom I'm sorry not an end zone I'm sorry you're honor and for your little dance I find doing contempt of court that will be 80 please it after a day behind the wheel of a car I had been popular I'd been terrified and I was ready to get back on the bus Hey kid hey a little young to be driving ain't you listening to the radio officer there's only one reason the police in Brooklyn would pass up the chance to bust a black kid in a car two black kids in the car [Applause] how to go to court I won just like I told you I would Julius you did I told you I wasn't speed I proved my case then she got fined eighty dollars for contemptive court for doing a victory then did anybody ask you that my dad was barely done lying down when I started lining it up hey Chris any problem moving the car no we'll move on no trouble finding the spot oh simple thanks you really helped me out after all that it happened kept thinking about how much dead it trusted me even though I had managed to get the car back home without him knowing it seemed like the right thing to do was tell the truth dad yes sir I have a confession I drove your car to school today what sorry I really am son I'm very disappointed in you but as long as you're safe that's all that really matters thanks Dad but one more thing yes sir since I got the car home and nobody got hurt I figured the best thing to do was to keep it to myself and never do anything like that again amen oh but next Friday Chris I'll let you move it again cool hey where'd you Parker cross street [Music] s [Music] [Music] foreign [Music] Instagram [Music] at the end of the school year I was going to graduate from Corleone Junior High my eighth grade picture had a list of everything I'd accomplished which so far was nothing this was my last chance to make sure that didn't happen again why aren't you filling out your yearbook activities form because right now only thing I have to put under my picture is human punching bag how about first blackhead accordion actually I wasn't the first black kid at coleon oh I was just the first one that made it into the building okay so I might be the first but until now that hasn't been a whole lot but you tried out for the basketball team and you ran for class president yeah but I failed nobody remembers failure I thought about other black people who were first at something and what it would be like if they had failed thanks for showing up this black guy was in here uh Robinson you know I was gonna break the color line for him he showed up 20 minutes late claimed he couldn't get a seat on the bus now you kid you can't hit you can't run you can't throw but you show up on time it's not too late you can still get involved in an activity like what I don't know something that plays into your strong suits problem was all I had were weak soups choir I can't sing Glee clock I can't sing the debate team you can talk can't you yeah but that's full well looks like the only thing left is the chess club and journalism staff I thought about joining the chess club go extra extra dummy joins newspaper School newspaper here I come because failure is not an option [Music] number two times [Music] [Music] school newspapers are different in white neighborhoods for one thing there's no obituary column so what do you want to write about politics no I've read about politics okay then Sports no ping does a sports column mostly covers ping pong okay then entertainment like movie reviews and stuff like that this isn't Jet Magazine this is a newspaper I like that okay then what do you want me to write about I don't know something that you know about she doesn't have the guts to suggest a fried chicken column like what I don't know something that's unique to you you know something that's unique to you black it is well I thought about what to write my father thought something was wrong re-elect Lamont Johnson why are you campaigning for this guy because my daddy supported his daddy when he was city councilman and now I am just carrying on the tradition but you hardly home as it is who gonna take care of the house that look means ain't you got two hands baby don't worry the campaign will be over soon and then everything will be back to normal know why you want to be involved with this guy there's nothing but a crook and a womanizer Julius would you quit being jealous he is not a crook I've known him since I was a teen ER could you get that thank you baby oh yes good to see you my brother hope you're playing the vote next week yeah I do hope you plan to lose you Rochelle I want to thank you for volunteering to help our campaign oh not a problem Lamar you know you are like family to me like play good my mother saw a councilman but my father saw this Daddy needs you to get on out there with your fine self and get Daddy them both for Daddy uh so can I pick these up later oh yeah you know what I'll get started on them now wait a minute what about dinner oh baby can we order Chinese food we're gonna pay for this Chinese food uh I can pay you with my undying gratitude well can you pay me back for 13.43 [Laughter] and you lucky I mean you got yourself a fine woman right here yes don't worry baby I'll cook oh I was going anyway don't forget to vote oh I won't oh he won't but not for you oh Julius yuck what's the matter my P's are touching my mashed potatoes so what I hate when food touches another baby that's what mashed potatoes are for they like little clumps of glue that you use to pick up your peas disgusting I could only imagine what would have happened if I tried that I can't eat this I'll be the touch of my mashed potatoes laughs are they separated now [Music] Chris put that paper away you're just like a daddy you know better than a read at the table I'm sorry Mom it's just like I'm writing an article in school paper and I'm looking for ideas oh well why don't you write about councilman Johnson and all the wonderful things that are happening in the neighborhood like crap you know what as a matter of fact I think we all should help Drew you can help me put up posters and Tanya you can hand out buttons not homework yeah now I gotta read an autobiography on Billy Ocean don't even look at me you know that's a shame people marched and had dogs and hoses turned on them for the right to vote and you guys can't even help maybe you should turn dogs and hoses on them [Music] okay fine I'll do it by myself my mother had to do it on her own and so did I our school tough wanna cook for the school paper oh you're a writer now huh well it's just that this is my last year Corleone and I think people won't remember me unless I do something good for you it's great to be a writer you can get your legacy started Legacy Legacy like what people remember you for somebody should tell Bobby Brown about this whole Legacy thing the only thing is I don't know what to write about well you happen to be in love I got a lot you can write about but you're gonna have to turn it down a little bit because it's juicy really yeah you know when I was young I was a real player I dated women wherever I could find them oh yeah that was what you call a Serial data I went out with thousands of women they all cried when I left but they don't take me back a second you know I didn't know that I did it all the pretty women and Syracuse both of them then I did it all the pretty women in Albany now we're up to three then I ate all the pretty women in Pittsburgh okay we're back at two but I know it's hard to look at all dark and think of me in that way but I'm a real lady killer I knew one thing for sure nobody at school was writing about this while I was getting my story down my mother was getting the boat out both Johnson you got it Johnson Alpha Johnson here both of Johnson he's a great guy both hey what what wait a minute wait a minute what the hell are you doing I'm trying to prevent the election of this evil individual Lamar Johnson is not evil you know that since this man is coming to office my business has dropped 35 that's because the murder rate has dropped 35 the whole reason I moved the best times because the business was booming I couldn't keep a casket in stock they were literally flying into the ground you are sick that's why I'ma do everything in my power to get him reelected I'm gonna do everything in my power to get him defeated wait a minute now if you're not voting for Johnson who are you voting for camel farm a pimafar who owns the pawn shop with him involved in office everything will fall naturally into place [Music] that would be tragic but if that were to happen you can rest assured I'll give Mr Julius a nice discount you just stay away from my poster I turned in my story Lisa read me the riot act you call yourself a writer this is the worst story I've ever read I just wasted 20 minutes of my life do you know how many trees died for you to write this you're destroying the ozone layer people are gonna get canceled okay okay I get it okay okay so what's wrong with it everything who wants to read about some crunchy old ghetto Romeo will you tell me right about something I know when I know this guy well if this is the best you can do maybe you should think about doing something else yeah like the chess club [Music] I wonder if there's a Checkers Club Lisa hated my story so I showed it to miss Morello who loved anything black Lisa's right this isn't good what's wrong with it Chris there's nothing worse than racial stereotypes we've seen this a thousand times tall shirtless black man his ebony PEX glistening with sweat from working in the fields furrowed brow filled with Savage lust where was I think you're talking about racial stereotypes oh right I want to read about the real black man who walked the gritty streets of the hood people like Superfly the Mack Black Belt Jones truck Turner and Blacula tell me the truth about hips and Hustlers the violence all set to a Jazzy Beat oh this is a Jazzy Beat I want to give her right upside the head everyone else hated My article but I knew I could count on Greg for support it's horrible dude I've only been to your neighborhood twice and even I have more exciting stories well I don't know what to write about because everything they're asking for doesn't exist that's the wrong attitude what do you mean do you want to be remembered for being something more than just a human pinata yeah do you want to have something under your picture in the yearbook yeah then give the people what they want journalism was supposed to be about reporting the facts but what I found out is that people don't always want the facts so I decided to give the people what they want I took Doc's story about being a lady killer and dropped the word lady [Music] what is that noise it's having an anti-johnson rally what [Music] Tiny Tap your butt on downstairs and lock the door go on now [Music] oh Johnson is a good man he's cleaning up our streets folk Johnson what kind of councilman got people campaigning for him how they're not a Windows Foster him How You Gonna vote for somebody and you can't even spell their name vote Johnson we can't spell his name cause Johnson ruined the schools when I say mo you think well at least Johnson ain't locked out of his own damn house when I say lock you say out well that's what he is [Music] that's been shut he would put a chicken in every pot after I changed my story everyone else changed this go my brilliant little Alex Haley so did you like the story like it I love it the scissor killer I wouldn't step foot in Bed Stuy for all the money in the world that's how most people feel it was so frightening so real the truth left off the page the truth jumped off a cliff so are you gonna publish it are you kidding after this story no one at the school will ever forget you Chris but that's just the beginning the scissor killer has got to be stopped so I sent your story to a friend of mine at the Brooklyn crier and they published it too but oh because of you they're going to bring this man to Justice because of me they're gonna waste their time I wanted to be remembered and this was something people were never going to forget Brooklyn was paralyzed with fit it was fear in the beauty shop Put The Knife to her and it was fear in the barbershop there was even being a gutter there was only one man who was happy but that's what I'm talking about I [Music] is working in conjunction with local authorities to determine the whereabouts of a man known only as the scissor killer the scissor killer was brought to the attention of the crier by this Corleone Junior High School student Rochelle good God have you seen the stories I just saw it on TV oh this is a disaster can you believe what this is going to do to the community I mean why would you let your son Chris write a story like this when I'm trying to get reelected what about being reelected when my son is out there about to be snipped to death by a scissor Keller is that what you saying to me no no yes I'm saying what would people think if I'm allowing a serial killer to roam the neighborhood I hadn't seen spin like that since Usher battled Omarion I don't know if you notice or not but ain't nobody in the neighborhood except that killer and my baby my story had pulled a wool over the community's eyes but Doc's eyes weren't Willy at all who keeps taking these posters down not Christmas let me see if I understand this correctly the killer came over here and spontaneously confessed to you about his murderous past and Syracuse Albany and Pittsburgh is that about right yeah if by right you mean wrong yeah kinda oh what part of that did I get wrong probably about the killer coming out here Chris if you've got this whole neighborhood terrified ain't nobody on the streets ain't nobody out here ain't nobody coming in the store I'm sorry it's just that I want to be remembered because you can't base your legacy on lies ah you got to go and tell somebody what you did walking home I couldn't help thinking that my street was usually filled with life and that was an empty Wasteland all because of me I felt worse than food poisoning little dude from across the street what you doing out there don't you know it's a killer on the streets I'll be all right let me hold it down [Music] from a window Not only was Brooklyn filled with fear it was filled with reporters today the streets of Bedford Stuyvesant are deserted all of the murderers rapists and black people who normally populate these streets are behind closed doors and yet it is no safer because of one man the scissor killer there's the young man that broke the story let's see if we can get work young man can you tell us any more about the trip what kind of sweat socks did he use the thing I was most afraid of was telling my parents I'd made up the story I couldn't think of anything worse hello worse oh my God have you been I was so worried about you your daddy is on his way home this detective wants to talk to you if you're black that's a sentence you never want to hear listen Chris we need a description of the killer give me a second to make one up well he's black oh five two light skin afro he stopped listening after black girls on the floor no that's my father he's not a killer how do you know if I didn't tell the truth there was going to be an obituary because there's no killer what you better explain yourself Chris I made it up when I handed him a story to the school newspaper they said it was so dull that they wouldn't even print it so I made this story a little bit more interesting to read I'm sorry there's a gun pointing at your daddy's head right now you're sorry Lamar Johnson's campaign is falling apart again sorry people are running around this neighborhood just scared to death and you're sorry boy you don't know what sorry is I'm gonna ask you one more time ma'am do you know this man for God's sakes son you've got a knack for inventing evidence you might want to consider a career in law enforcement in a moment I might need a cop myself [Music] all I do is stretch the truth oh that's a coincidence because I'm about to stretch your behind get upstairs get them after my mother set me straight I had to set the story straight you made it up well I'm sorry I was just giving the people what they want oh this is just great all the real killers running around in bed set and you had to make one up that's just lazy what else did you make up is your real name Chris are you even black who knows this is so disappointing you're the first black writer in the school's history I was the first black everything in the school's history you reach reporter status and you make up your story what will your people think of you just had to lie didn't it Esau hey dude so I give the people what they want and now look at me sometimes people don't like what they want after they get it I want to feel what my foot and his behind after he gets that got the yearbook I learned a couple of important things from this whole Fiasco number one I learned the word legacy number two people are suckers for a Serial scissor killer snort and see hey I could write but best of all I finally did get something written under my school yearbook picture hey [Music] [Music] [Music] laughs [Music] Instagram [Music] when I entered the ninth grade at coleon even though I was still in a junior high building it was technically my first year of high school some things remain the same welcome back Jungle Love and some things change totally namely everything I did from then on would affect my future at the end of the 8th grade every student had to take the grade 8 proficiency assessment test with gepa or gifa assesses your progress and addresses any changes you might need in your curriculum so we're not getting a grade on this technically no that's technically great because I technically didn't study so did you get your test scores back yet not yet but I'm not worried about it though they said the test doesn't count towards your grade so what difference doesn't make a lot [Music] Chris after looking at your test results I'm very concerned I've been getting my ass whooped for two years and now she's concerned what are you concerned about you did horribly on your test put that on your record it could seriously harm your chances of going to college even if you get a basketball scholarship is she crazy there's no grades they won't take if you can play basketball I thought that test didn't count Chris everything counts you should know that I would expect Greg to get suckered in by someone saying that but with all your street smarts you should know better than that I'm sure with all the careers available and hair care companies and dance show hosting it's hard to decide but you're gonna have to apply yourself even for that hair care companies and dance show hosting my point is to help you get off on the Good Foot I've made an appointment for you to see the new guidance counselor guidance counselor all I know about guidance counselors was that you usually went to see them because there was something wrong with you so you're Chris yes sir I'm Mr Abbott your guidance counselor having problems huh yeah my teacher says I need some help figure out what I want to do with my future you can say that again what do you mean Chris what do you want to do when you get out of school I don't know you know you got about as much Direction as a broken Compass I'm surprised you were even able to find your way to this office according to this test you put the oopid in stupid the way I see it you're about two bad decisions away from a life of crime I don't know anything about crime make that one bad decision can you help me well unless they hire a big bird I'm gonna have to [Music] do [Music] [Music] I take the test because I thought it didn't count looking at my grade you think I couldn't count how did you even make it into ninth grade I mean they should have picked up on this years ago how many did I get wrong it's a skills assessment test Chris and basically what it says is that you don't have the propensity for any skill propensity I got propensity do you even know what propensity means no okay maybe it's not that bad I'm gonna have to help you that's my job I'm the guidance counselor but I'm gonna have to run some more tests more tests what do these tests for well I'm gonna have to build a psychological profile giving me a crazy test no it's not a crazy test it's to see if you're good at anything one question are these tests important well unless you want to start taking a little bus to school they're very important I'll see you tomorrow while the guidance Council worked on a plan for my future my father had a plan for my present hey baby what you doing you want me to get the kids new school clothes right well not unless you want me to take off of work to do it no that's okay but before I go buy a new stuff I want to get rid of the old stuff first so I've got two piles Chris is stuff that I'm getting rid of and Drew stuff that I'm giving to Chris that's right there I'm sure glad Drew wasn't a girl so you're buying something for Drew and Tanya not Chris you want him working on his PhD in hand-me-downs would you barely wear something before he grows out of it I mean this stuff is almost new Chris will be fine my father was working this game and the next day I was getting worked over what we're gonna do is the word association test I'm gonna say a word and I want you to say the first thing that comes to mind right excuse me brain you said mine and I said brain yeah but we haven't even started yet oh sorry okay let's start school school teacher teacher okay I don't think you understand this I don't need you to repeat what I say I need you to say the first thing that comes to mind but what you say is the first thing that comes to my mind well I need you to say the next thing that comes to mind so the second thing if the second thing that comes to mind is the thing that works in your mind then let's do that thing okay let's start father tired mother bald excuse me sorry I was still on father thank God I thought you had a bald mother okay I'm gonna make it a little simpler for you slow Fast Dumb sucker Punk chunk idiot fool who you what chicken butt put it in a cup go around the corner and lick it up oh wait a minute after going to the guidance counselor I really started to think about what I was going to do with my life hey Dad how'd you decide what you're gonna do for a living I applied for a bunch of jobs and I took everyone that hired me and he would have kept them all if he could have well you won't have to do that baby you're going to college you'll be able to do anything you want like get out of high school am I going to college too yeah you can be a professor of ugliosity shut up well whatever you do make sure you like it because once you have a family that's what you're gonna be doing for the rest of your life Wow make a sound so bad you decide what you're gonna be father decided that he wasn't going to be rich I decided to get a job I didn't decide I wasn't going to be rich I didn't go to college I drive a truck because that's what I know how to do so you saying you don't like your life I didn't say that you know what Julius do you think you are the only one that had a dream here we go you know what kids I had a dream every time I see Shirley Chisholm I think wow that could have been me yeah I could have done a lot of things I could have won a Pulitzer Prize if she only learned how to Pulitzer I could have been a poet laureate that don't rhyme you know what I even could have won a Cy Young Award if she could only throw a knuckleball but instead I decided to raise your family my family now it's my family that's right your family and what thanks to I get whatever you want to do Chris just make sure you like it that's what he said to you I didn't mean it like that you know what Jewish I don't want to make you any more unhappy than you already are if he wasn't happy before it ain't changing no time soon my dad didn't go to college and neither did my mother so I tried to find out if I knew anybody who did hey Manny did you ever go to college always wanted to but I found out I couldn't why not I had this thing called extenuating circumstances like what I never finished high school so I got a job here and when Manny died I took over wait you got the same name as the owner no no no my name was Lester if I had to make a choice change the sign or change my name and that sign was expensive hey camos what you want to do I'm doing it if you study real hard you too could be president of the United States of America all crazy as hell [Music] stab it how's it going Chris Chris well I talked to a few people and I still don't know what I want to do for a living but I do know that my mom wants me to go to college College why to learn learn you can learn anywhere Chris you can learn by reading a fortune cookie if you get hit by a truck you learn not to walk out in the traffic if you smack Mike Tyson you learn that you're gonna get your ass whooped but your parents are way too broke for you to go to college to just learn they need you to go to college and learn how to get a job besides I think it's a little too early for you to be thinking about college right now and why is that well according to your test results you have a lot of potential but it's just going to take time to develop so what do we do now I'm recommending that you take remedial classes remedial class remedial class I could I can't go to remedial glass You're Gonna Go I'm not supposed to tell my mama I'm going to remedial class I'll write a note [Music] so how to go with the guidance counselor he wants to put me in remedial class what how did that happen well remember that test we took the one they said didn't matter right it mattered the only thing worse than getting put out of school was the thought of being put in remedial class another bus the bus go through the town [Applause] I guess it was a little bit more serious than I thought I gotta see that guy too what for I don't know well at least I live too far away from school to ride the short bus actually you don't city regulations allow for special needs students pickups throughout all school districts thanks what's all this kid's new school clothes the Salvation Marines you went shopping at the thrift store my father loved thrift stores cause you could trade in your old clothes for some new old clothes my kids are not wearing somebody else's old clothes I mean these pants could have belonged to anybody you act like the pants are cursed Face Forward that's him officer are you sure I know it's him he's he's wearing those pants look I can't afford to buy all new school clothes that's one more thing you can't stand about your miserable life my kids are not wearing these so you either get new clothes or new kids he's trying to figure out which one is cheaper while my mother was throwing clothes in the Box Greg was thinking outside the box you did unbelievable on this test there's a lot of things you can do when you get out of college at first I was thinking I could start up an investment banking firm or maybe franchise a coffee store franchise a coffee store that is the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life a store that sells nothing but coffee but what are you gonna open up next a place that sells nothing but Staples oh oh I wouldn't say after that a place that sells everything for 99 cents foreign well see that's what I was gonna tell you I sell it on being an astronaut so I'm I'm wearing a diaper a diaper you mean you want to fly a rocket but you're still gonna pee in your pants well they don't make you do it but I want to see if I could take it nobody could take it Greg now get the funk out of my office [Music] stabbing Chris can I help you I'm not going to remedial class Chris I'm just trying to do what's best for you if I would have known that Tess was that important I could have done better if you could have done better you would have done better then let me take the test again wouldn't even matter Chris it's already on your permanent record so you're telling me that even though I've been passing classes for the past two years I do battle one test and it's over hey I don't make the rules I just follow why hey don't get mad at me short bus you're the one that didn't take this test serious it's a test what did you think was gonna happen you know what they do to food before they give it to people they test it they don't even give people uh paper towels without testing it at first how do you think they know that Bounty is the quicker picker upper they test it you know what happens to all the other paper towels That Couldn't suff up the grease they fail and get sent back well maybe if they would have told the paper towel that he needed to stop up degrees to get to the store he would have done better what are you talking about I don't know you started it okay you want some help yeah let's go for a ride what does this have to do with me going to college if you don't know what you want to do with your life it's all going to be a big waste of time and money do you know how many broke people went to college not really ladies and gentlemen this young man here thinks that all you have to do in life is go to college and you'll be successful by show of hands how many of you went to college won the wrong bus Now by show of hands how many of you people went to college we're on the right bus number and I'm sure ahead people right now wish you had that thing so what do I do well I can't tell you that if I tell you this you can't go to college just because your parents will get mad if you don't when you get out of high school take some time to figure things out get a job travel go find yourself [Music] Hey kid you need a ride thinking on without a helmet come out goodbye pass hello future [Music] after I got all my guns my mother told the counselor where he could go all right you're still wearing that diaper huh after a while you don't notice right so what are you doing out here my mom wasn't happy with the guidance counsel's guidance I know how she feels the guy basically told me I can do anything I want that's pressure it's like even if I wanted to fail I couldn't that was the moment I realized what it truly meant to be white must be tough I'm sorry but it's all right there in a test test talking about test I'm here to talk about my son I mean what does the test prove anyway Charles Manson passed some tests I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your son well I'm saying that there's something wrong with you you're supposed to be a guidance counselor guide I did the best I could no you didn't go find yourself what is that I'm not trying to hold your son back but going to college without knowing what you want to study it's kind of like going to a grocery store without knowing what you want to eat and telling a boy to figure out what he wants to do by telling him to do nothing is like telling him to learn how to swim by Drowning what are you talking about I don't know but you started it thanks for coming because you know you're more than welcome nice meeting you pleasure anyways I can't wait for this interview to be over so I can put my baby powder on I know you want what's best for your son but I think he's going to be okay thank you very much what the hell is that smell Greg is that you boy I'm studying to be an astronaut well even astronauts watch them come on come on [Music] nope nope nope get out of here funky Brewster every day of my life my mother threatened to knock the loaves off my ears I slap the paws off my face but if anybody else ever put me down she was always there to pick me back up but Chris I don't know what you're gonna do with your life you may go to college you may not but I know whatever you do you're gonna be good at it because I have no grown man sleeping in my house yes ma'am that's how things go figure out what you want to do not really but I'll be all right if I can figure out what I want to do at least I can be a guidance counselor I mean all you do is ask people questions that you don't even know the answer to you tell them to take a hike I mean I may not be the smartest person in the world but I think I'm smart enough to do that is that all you think I do even in a diaper Greg could run like the wind the smelly wind Am I Wrong listen here short bus I work for the school I deal with the test okay you know when I was your age I took these tests too and I did great you think I thought I was gonna just be a guidance counselor I mean what you want to do what I wanted to do acquired bravery dedication commitment I wanted to Serve the People so you want to be a Marine not exactly [Music] anyway it's not too late for me and it's not too late for you good luck aren't these jeans cool baby those are adorable hey Chris so I had to go to school today fine daddy let us pick out our own clothes well hopefully you picked out something you like I mean heaven forbid you wake up one day and realize you can't stand it for sure stop it okay just stop what what are you talking about for sure the reason I said those things to Chris is because nobody said those things to me you're the best thing that ever happened to me yeah I mean I don't get a lot of sleep and I don't make a lot of money I've got you I've got my kids that's all I need at that moment I didn't have any idea what I wanted to do but what I wanted to be was just like my father where the hell you get that from the inside of a car people Bryson song that's how I feel and why didn't you just say that I just said it why didn't you say it in the first place hey Chris I got you something Air Jordans these cost a fortune well not these let's just say I got a deal uh-oh even though I wasn't sure what I was going to do with my life I knew one thing for sure my mother and father were always going to look out for me the only feeling better than that was having a brand new pair of shoes that's him are you sure [Music] [Music] foreign [Music] Instagram [Applause] [Music] after two years at Corleone I felt like things had finally started to turn around my grades were okay I liked most of my teachers and I had made friends make that up front but he was a good one there was only one problem that wasn't going away morning Coco puffs Caruso had made my life a living hell he had beaten my ass every day and nothing kept him away it's 104 degree fever and not even a national holiday happy Fourth of July Sammy [Music] what time is it 3 15. what you think Russo he's usually punching in the face right now as far as I was concerned this was better than Enter the Dragon you want some more smart move what are you staring at did you just see that so up and I don't believe it other than being glad that I wasn't next at that moment I couldn't have been happier see ya wouldn't want to be you [Music] [Music] no no no no [Music] no no no no no [Music] no no no no no no after seeing Caruso get a Beatdown I had one question is that kid anyway his name is Bernard Yao apparently he's been going here since last year I've never heard of him how do you think Caruso is going to deal with getting beaten up same way he deals with everything he's gonna take it out on me so since today I got far when he got an F on his paper ow you're probably right you want a cup what no are you every day you wanna borrow it no I'm okay thank you Greg's cup was actually a thimble it's your funeral oh no what hold it Nicole Simpson can you hand me a carton of milk please this is worse than I thought uh crucial you okay yeah I'm fine and can you call me Joey Joey Joey Joey Caruso looked about as happy as Bobby Brown in a health food store did you see that I don't blame him if somebody roundhouse kicked me across the street I'd avoid him too Greg aborted trees because he once got a splinter y'all didn't just beat him down he beat the bully out of him hahaha [Music] while I was free from Caruso my dad was free from work you didn't need to work this morning your daddy's on vacation this week man I wish I could take a week off I need a vacation for four you're a kid your whole Life's a vacation this is a waste of time it should be working you got five paid vacation days hey Julius yeah but they're paying me for a 40-hour week I average close to 70. if you think about it I'm actually losing money then don't think about it baby get some rest pay attention to your health for a change there's nothing wrong with my health you got the gout high blood pressure arthritis a bad back the sniffles an ingrown toenail seborrhea psoriasis a strained ligament dyspepsia and gastric reflux my mother was making a lot of sense unfortunately all my father heard was you got the light bill the gas bill the phone bill the heat build the water bill car no taxes Insurance food rent clothes heating cooling washing drying my mother thought it was work that gave my father stress but she was wrong it was death which is why he did this hey Frank it's Julius listen I got a few days off and I'm looking to pick up a little work so FYI my sources tell me that Yao likes using the upstairs bathroom by the art room what sources what are you expensive for hire I guess that makes me a hawk it's not important all that matters is that you avoid using it why just because y'all be though crucial doesn't mean he's gonna beat us up too did you see the way he was looking at us when he came out of that alley I'm not taking any chances you're overreacting okay okay look we don't want any trouble what's this my lunch money I always pay on time and I don't even mind tossing in a few extra bucks around the holidays what is wrong with you guys I don't want your money but after what you did to Caruso we figured you were taking over I'm not taking over anything I just got tired of him picking on me that's why I took a karate he was here to that or give up my lunch money if I had to pay for karate lessons I wouldn't have had lunch money Now That's What I Call relaxing it's getting late you better be going man it's only 8 15. you never know it could be traffic I wouldn't want you to be late for work I think I have time for a cup of coffee oh could you give me another cup I'm just saying you know you're still on your three-month probation I wouldn't want you to have a mark on your record oh please that office is so disorganized I'ma sit right here and have my cup of coffee besides they don't keep records of anything anyway ironically she worked at the Department of Records we had a coffee but um maybe you can pick up another cup on the way to work okay I get it I get it want me to leave so you can have your day of relaxation I get it have a good day all right get some rest okay clock kids got nothing on him [Music] the next few days at school were the best I've ever had at coleon for the first time Caruso didn't knock the books out of my hand when he passed me hi Chris [Music] you didn't shove me in a locker hi Chris and the only name he called me was mine hey Chris for the first time I could remember I didn't have a problem at school hey give me your lunch money I didn't have a problem now I had a lot of problems Caruso losing the fight with Bernard gal was good and bad on the upside Caruso was no longer on my back on the downside I was getting beaten like eggs at IHOP hey give me your lunch money hey go give him your lunch money give me your lunch money he's gonna give it me now to give it to me no he's not give it to me Gonna Get This Money hey I'm gonna give it to me this is how kids used to fight before there were guns in school [Music] all clear it's like there's not enough for you to go around man I haven't seen anger and violence like this since my custody hearing me neither well at least now it's not my neighborhood what's going on through the whole school out of whack what do you mean the school is like The Godfather there's a hierarchy and on top is Don Corleone but not case Don Caruso Russo was the toughest kid in school no one did challenge his authority almost everybody hated Caruso but a lot of kids envied him they wanted to be him but were too scared to do anything about it when Caruso was out of the way the school was up for grass [Music] it's going to be a bloodbath and I knew that unless I did something it was going to be my blood [Music] you know all this and spend a lot of time in dark lockers you think about things I started writing my first HBO special in Alaska [Music] but Caruso back in power 47 for alimony I bet you don't bet you I will I bet you don't keep dreaming a woodchuck but where does she get a one chipper from [Music] he left up for a Mom home but hey Mom what's that he's probably asleep and leave him alone because he needs his rest and boy close my door you don't live in a barn I didn't even open that door [Music] Becca's cool I've been through my life so I couldn't even enjoy the epidemic of white on white flowers foreign [Music] but I figured he couldn't resist a fight with the old choke what is wrong with you quit going me what's wrong with you you know what's wrong with me walking around here like a sad Richie Cunningham I need to be kicking some serious butt what are you talking about y'all kick the crap out of you you're just gonna take it what do you expect well maybe you can't beat him but you can beat me I mean come on punch me kick me push me on the ground something have you lost your mind yes have you lost your mind call me stymie Rochester Tootsie Roll Inkwell come on man what are you doing prompting an angry call from Bill Cosby look I gotta go desperate times call for desperate measures you wanna act like a punk imma treat you like a punk give me a lunch money Opie first time I was scared he wouldn't hit me all right here just just leave me alone [Music] well that didn't work so now what well we got his lunch money let's go get a pizza and think about it we got a pizza but eight different bullies took a slice since I couldn't get Caruso to put a stop to things I had to go to the guy who started it yeah I'll talk to you for a second give me your lunch money first I'm joking yeah good one jackass what do you want I have a problem and I need your help I got my own problems I guarantee you they cannot be worse than mine I'm feeling math I got work to do I don't have time for this wait you're not good at math what just because I'm Asian I have to be good in math you're black can you moonwalk I mean like that and no I can't move more so I can't use chopsticks I don't like watermelon I can't make a swan out of paper I don't have sickle cell anemia I don't own a dry cleaners I bet you like rice you know what man just forget this it's simple I need you to fight Caruso again why do I do that at least when Caruso was in control we only had one person to worry about and now everybody's kicking the crap out of anybody they can get their hands on and nine times out of ten it's me I don't want to fight if you don't want to do it for me then do it for the school you may not want to bully but we need a bully look I already found him once and beat him what makes you think he would fight me again let me take care of that I'm watching it for me [Music] Crusoe I know you're in here it's me Chris what I need to talk to you I knew I had to convince Caruso to face Yao now it was the biggest fight of my life and I wasn't even in it I don't want to read more money man would you just come out here what is wrong with you I can't believe I'm saying this but I actually feel bad for you you used to run this school and now look at you you're sad pathetic and scared out of your mind shoot if you were black you be me what do you want from me you need to stand up DL are you crazy he didn't mean the island Siberian Flying Tiger I couldn't see straight for three days when I first came to this school you smacked me around but I stood up to you and he smacked me around some more so what's your point you see every superhero needs a villain I mean where would Superman be if it wasn't for Lex Luthor he'd be at the Hall of Justice watching super TV Fantastic Four where would they be if it wasn't for Doctor Doom at the circus the reason you need to stand up for yourself is because I need you the school needs you and unless you want to spend the rest of the school year slinking around and being scared let me kick the crap out of you you need to stand up for yourself you really think I can beat him I don't think so I know so after a few days of successfully working his secret job my Dad ran into two problems Drew and Tanya I still don't see how you threw your back out doing nothing I must have slept funny oh you sleep harder than you work hey Dad you probably hurt your back carrying all those packages what yeah this afternoon me and you saw you on Fulton Avenue when we are walking home from school okay baby here's some aspirin to relax your muscles a bit what did y'all see on Fulton Avenue nobody they're just talking he looked just like you I hope he doesn't hit somebody in the head with a pipe and run because if he does you're going to jail I mean for real dad he looked just like you bald head beer dark skin everything I even called you I said Daddy sure did and then the guy turned around and looked right at us covered his face with the package and ran inside the building hey baby you want a beer before dinner oh thanks so who did y'all see running into a building nobody they're just playing tonight playing all the time hmm okay I don't know that if they had to look like you contest he would win yeah hey I took a job delivering packages for the week the last to find out about stuff I don't want her mad at me do you guys like having a father yes keep quiet I'm gonna give you five dollars each yeah I had brought two fighters of different ethnicities together for a fixed fight I felt just like Don King she fried rice it took you so long why don't you ask your mother sir [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] where you going do you want to see who wins what's the difference either way come on someone's gonna be kicking the crap out of me [Applause] back on my dad's secret job he didn't know it but the shipment was about to hit the fair excuse me excuse me look I I give you five dollars if you go in there and get a package from what are you you're some kind of perfect no no no no no no no look I didn't hear you man hey can I help you hey baby how you doing if that's what my mother looks like catching my father with another job it's no wonder he never had another woman what's he doing here I'm working what are you doing here relaxing Drew and Tanya yeah Drew and Tanya now you're robbing your own kids you should be ashamed of yourself and you only gave him 10 measly dollars you could at least gave him 20. how did you know I was gonna be here who do you think called for you to pick up the package I'm just trying to some extra money so we can get ahead baby baby how are you going to get ahead if your behind is laying in a coffin Julius I need for you to relax so I can relax you understand sorry I didn't know it was that important to you go on no don't kiss me I'm in my place of business [Music] there is no package [Music] go to sleep now I'm keeping the ten dollars for a few days I had something I'd always wished for no Caruso but the only thing worse than life with him is life without him everybody was talking about the fight but I knew how it ended before it started we did it man Bruce is back yeah I guess I'm a real hero super full Greg thanks Sandman give my money you owe me a pizza [Music] thank you thanks nothing you got what you wanted I let crucial beat me and now I get what I want either I pass my math class or it's your ass what's he angry about can you see I'm the one in the locker [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] thank you [Music] Instagram [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] when I was 15 the only thing I wanted more than a girlfriend was to have some privacy I didn't have a room to myself somebody was always home and even when I was supposed to be alone somebody was there [Music] sometimes I hate going home but I can never be alone me too every time I turn around my grandma's right there she thinks alone is something you get out of pain if I turn around my whole family's right there what would you do if you had privacy [Music] just do whatever I want whenever I want I can't wait till I get my own place my grandma has the flu and I have to make the makeup Mom home what's going on baby we're all sick so I quarantined the rest of the house so you just gonna have to stay over there but where am I supposed to eat and sleep and go to the bathroom well baby you can sleep on the couch and then you can eat free sloppers over at Doc's I left you a bucket great what do I do when the bucket's full oh this is crazy first of all you use 3.97 worth of plastic wrap second Chris can't live like this I call Mr Omar he can stay upstairs with him oh no oh no I can't go out there with all them loose women coming and going yes he can look I missed all my promise he'd be on his best behavior Chris will be fine because I don't know about this look either way we ain't wasting this much plastic wrap so you might as well send them up to Omar's oh you gotta go upstairs but Mr Omar was that he liked dead men and live women so I didn't know what to expect all right now Chris there's a few things you need to understand phone rings you take a message don't go looking for nothing you ain't supposed to find and most importantly I need my privacy so you stay out of my way and I stay out of yours deal deal good I'll be back later so you on yo cool now all I needed was six white girls and a monkey [Music] thank you [Music] [Music] [Music] dude this is so awesome you got your own bachelor pad yeah it's great besides the fact that this old man that lives there yeah but he's not an old man to tell us what to do do you like fun if you live upstairs on Happy Days hey you know this will be the first time I actually have some privacy whenever I want privacy my dad tells me to go in the backyard so Chris you got your own place yeah do you oh yeah I got a flat City where's your parents is that your business so which place Chris upstairs at my parents house dude that's a true home place that's the Attic oh and I have a quiz tomorrow on chapter seven either I pass it or it's your ass it's not my ass's fault you suck at math [Music] let's throw a bucket why are you faking a fever because I forgot to set it for my math quiz now I want to get an F finds out you are sick she's gonna kill you if I can't F mom will kill you so why don't you mind your own business I'm in here or what are you doing out of bed throw up go on back to bed I'll check on you in a few minutes girl you are burning up this is bad it was a big deal for Tanya to have the flu because she never got sick not even when we got polio [Music] I'm calling the doctor for what we're all sick Julius remember now Talia has a fever we've all got fevers besides doctors cost money and so do funerals look all the doctors gonna say is that we need to get some rest drink plenty of fluids take some aspirin we don't need to pay for that I can't believe your daughter's in there burn it up and you are too cheap to call a doctor call Chris tell them to bring us some testing we'll be okay staying at Mr Omas was kind of like sharing a bachelor pad with a dirty old Bachelor oh hey Chris just getting in from a little Afternoon Delight oh no I just had to drop off some testing downstairs you know food season to me is like tax season for accountants that's when I do the most business I'm sure your family will be fine thanks so what's for dinner I'm having mac and cheese what you having inside mac and cheese too well you must be having someplace else because I'm all out well what else you got uh whatever's in the fridge what you know you have hair in here oh I know that's my side business my dear clients no longer have a need for their Tresses tragic so I start with the wig shops but I got a wide variety I got curly wavy nappy and Indian who wants napping the other thing you haven't had some expired milk some prune juice and what is this oh I do have some cheese now we need is a macaroni back home Tanya was trying to fake not freezing to death well that means it's working thermometer say two below zero Julia should give her how to chill I can kill the chills my mother had a home remedy for the chills it's called a blanket I tried your mother's chill remedy and it gave me a rash well did you brew it overnight and strain it through an old tube sock no well that's why if you let me make it the right way then she'll feel as good as new but what's not for us so I can come back and get this food before it thaws out I'm going to make the remedy little butter and then Tanya would make a nice side dish you know Dad's home remedies are nasty not as nasty as mama I'm going to bed oh so what time you want me turn off the lights oh I don't care you can stay up all night if you want and there's some videos over there you welcome to watch I got Night of the Living Dead Dawn of the Dead Day of the Dead dead zone dead men don't worry plaid Death in Venice Death Wish Love and Death murdered by death and also Shiki AKA death Japanese style cool thanks why don't you do turns out Mr Omar only had one movie that wasn't about death Richard Pryor live in concert [Applause] [Music] wait for the people to get from the bathroom [Music] in blood going on white people rushing back white people don't care Chris Chris Chris what what time are you gonna be home from school like five why can you make it midnight no I'm a kid I can't stay out that late yeah you got a point well in that case I won't be home tonight what are you gonna be minding my own business you gonna be okay even though I've never been on my own before it was my first chance to have some real privacy and I wasn't gonna pass it up yeah I'll be fine good don't forget to lock up after you leave oh let's keep this between you and me okay I wouldn't want your parents to find out I left you alone no problem aren't you supposed to be at school or something yeah I have to leave till like 7 30. what time is it 8 45 was a quarter past latest [Music] four score and seven years ago our forefathers brought forth on this continent a new nation conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal even if they're on CP time good morning Chris good morning Miss Morello I'm sorry I'm late but my whole family's sick dear I'm so sorry is it Sickle Cell rickets or swine flu is that like chitlin artists swine flu your tardiness is excused but you should tell your family to lay off the bacon for a girl who's never had a place to himself Greg had a lot of ideas about what I should do do you know what this means you're in possession of the velvet trap velvet trap what's that catch don't you know the lights velvet him too but I was talking about girls girls like velvet what are you talking about your apartment velvet you've got a place now I need to do is get a girl you're still in there I can't imagine I do if I had a place to myself I could [Music] be yes I am in there you're so in there we'd have to send a search party to find you and I think I know exactly who I want to be in there with oh Tasha who needs a test tube to make medicine when you've got a tube sock okay doctor thank you I'll mail you a check so what'd he say you were right okay now is this rivety of yours gonna work oh it'll work it's been passed down for Generations my mother got it for my grandmother who got it from her great grandmother who got it from a Puerto Rican lady my father's home remedies you had a headache baking soda and a pomegranate if you are nauseous catfish and grape jelly if you were blind tank up and a white cane hey he couldn't do everything come on [Music] oh good lord man what's in this stuff turpentine don't be silly it's strawberry turpentine [Music] that's working Tanya went from a healthy kid to guinea pig stinks it smells like feet be quiet boy I know it smells bad but if you drink it you feel better why don't you drink it well baby we only had enough Daddy to make one dose and since you're the sickest you are still sick aren't you [Music] yeah you'll feel better in no time especially since there was nothing wrong with her in the first place since my velvet tracklist said all I needed to do was dangle the bait hey Chris what's wrong well family's got the flu that's too bad are you okay yeah cause I'm staying at Mr Omar's for real he's staying over at a friend so I have the whole place to myself I wish I could get away from my grandma you like Richard Pryor I love Richard Pryor but I'm not allowed to watch him it's too bad because Mr Omar he has one of his concert tapes he does even though he's going to ask if you can come watch it with me but I don't want to get you in trouble I can come you can I learned early on that the best way to get a girl into trouble is to tell her you don't want to get her into trouble yeah I'll meet you around eight okay [Music] I had a place I had a girl I had a smile so wide you could see it from behind [Music] which tape is it Richard Pryor live in concert Richard Pryor huh okay that's so good hey little dude let me hold that tape I would but I'm watching it again tonight man I brought home a Richard Pryor album my mother wouldn't even let me in the house do you know about Richard Pryor Young Blood I know he funnier than you oh you ain't too young to meet the execution hey hey hey the only thing we cut here is hair all right show them what I told you show them show him anyway I'm not even stand in my house stay Mr Omar's Mr Omar what you doing up there my whole family's sick they got the flu see they in the hospital no he was going to rob my house like he said he had the flu right now I got the cure for the flu right here should have asked me earlier there you go check that out right there does it work oh it worked for me me too you even stopped my hallucinations for a while hey hey hey Charlie where you going come on man look I need to borrow five dollars come on man you see that man look you tell me take one teaspoon one teaspoon because I knock you out for five hours but it works five hours let me hold that throttle are you sick no I don't think so here you go Chris man remember where I said now one teaspoon are you all done oh nice he gave the same Elixir to people who need to take paint off of Cars hey man I was next hey you want to cut a good cut huh hey man it's your life foreign how many teaspoons do we need to take one or two six yeah six I knew that was too much and I risked putting my family in a coma but I wasn't risking my mother catching me with a girl [Music] cause I ain't raising no babies Kool-Aid's gone Rambo now are you eating and sleeping and going to school on time yeah Mom I'm fine and how is Mr obar treating you you guys getting along okay yeah it's like he's not even there good I hope this stuff works me too [Music] I had a girl fixed up and I got my hair fixed up now I need to get Mr Omar's apartment fixed up [Music] hi hi thanks for inviting me this should be fun being alone with Tasha was like a dream come true I jumped for Joy if I wasn't paralyzed with fear aren't you gonna come sit down yeah sure just wanted to make sure you had a good spot so what are you waiting for put it in huh what the tape Chris put in the Richard Pryor tape oh yeah who's that I don't know I had worked to make this the perfect night nothing could ruin hey except this young blood we're here hey man why don't you check and see if they got something to drink in the refrigerator hey get out of here big dude [Laughter] it's okay [Laughter] I'll clear these people out here in seconds see I care all Container Napalm just for such emergency all right hey hey can y'all kind of keep it down oh everyone downstairs is trying to sleep not everybody what are you doing up here what are you doing up here I thought you were sick didn't you take the medicine I spit it out where's Mr Omar he had to leave he left you here alone yeah and you didn't tell mama no yeah where my grandmother wakes up but I had a lot of fun though thanks supposed to be without you the girl in my dreams was walking away but the girl of my nightmares wasn't going anywhere I know I know oh you're telling getting there now go shut up even in a coma my mother could sense trouble I started out wanting to get a little privacy and ended up with a disaster and at that moment I wish for anything to get me out of that what is going on in here except this you better start looking cause obviously you lost your mind upset party while we down here after my mother got through with me Tanya and Mr Omar I realized that having privacy and being independent isn't all it's cracked up to be but at least she didn't find out about Tasha Chris Chris is this I hear about you having some girl upstairs [Music] don't do [Music] thank you [Music] anybody else moves are dead you still went up just the bills when I was growing up crime was always on the move I went from crime on TV the crime in the city a crime in our house so what's missing television to my parents and the police the house got robbed to Drew and Tanya the TV got kidnapped here I sketch something for you to give to the FBI it was the 19 ehrca serial number 1993 IH do you think you can get it back we'll try what else well I was still trying to figure it out but they took the stereo all of our records including my autographed James Brown the payback album oh it's a collector's item it's worth some money took my meat what steaks hamburgers hot dogs baloney if they had stole that stuff earlier maybe he wouldn't have the gout but can you find out who did this a lot of crime well aren't you gonna dust the place for fingerprints you know canvas the neighborhood for Witnesses check with your snitches put your ears to the street something lady my shift ends in six minutes fill out this report and that's it that's it so you're not gonna help us at all no but we're here to comfort you forget this I'm getting a gun [Music] baby girl who let the damn toilet seat up huh [Music] real you freaking hell I think we should get a dog I'd always wanted a dog and my parents always said no but maybe the robbery would make them change their mind for the umpteenth time Chris we are not getting a dog wishful thinking the kid's right if you really want to protect the house a guard dog is the best way to go you better like me I paid 35 to have him vaccinated and neutered now we know why he's proud can we name them he already has a name Blackie but he's brown you black and you brown well I want to give him a bath hey hey hey not so fast this dog needs to be trained to protect this house and since it was Chris's idea it's his responsibility to feed him bathe him walk him and clean up his mess she always says she ain't raising no babies [Music] thank you [Music] [Music] getting my first dog was like getting a whole new lease on life I guess you could say it was like having a new friend hey little dude let me hold the doctor thanks a friend with benefits yeah training Blackie was going to be fun I figured I'd start with the basics come on jump jump jump jump speed uh roll over like roll over I tried monkey see monkey do which is useless with a dog okay I made a complete list of What's missing put a dishwasher on here we have a dishwasher you will if they find one I'm calling the insurance company no no no I don't want my premiums going up insurance is just for emergencies an emergency it took the meat meat something else as if they brought something back just just let me look around the neighborhood for our stuff first I mean whoever did this can't be that far away how do you know that two beds out of steel crackheads bowling ball head well you go ahead and look around in the meantime I'm putting this place on lockdown because the TV was stolen Drew and Tanya tried to get their fix any place they could Captain was so funny man I'm calling the cops you peeping Toms get out of here a dog that's so cool yeah but I can't get him to do anything foreign here's a couple of books on dog training you just happen to have books on dog training in your locker I've got lots of stuff in here let's see got a bartender's guide an auction catalog to find crystal mostly the leak how to fly a helicopter the idiot's guide to tic-tac-toe a Gutenberg Bible and a street guide to Baghdad you never know that guidebook lists a lot more streets than they have left in Baghdad now well thanks these should help remember you should be the only one bonding with the dog why to be a good Watchdog he has to report to one master otherwise he may befriend the bad guys I was going to have to do what Greg said even though being mastered is something named black is seemed like a bad idea oh at home my mother installed a ghetto alarm system hey Mr Rochelle what's going on we got robbed you got robbed when two nights ago where were you I was at home well did you hear anything oh no I was busy well they cleaned out half the house well the important thing is you got to Hell other material things don't matter cause after all you can't take it with you that's cause they took it all with them the next person that walks through this door is going to hear bells a jingling jingling Bells let me show you something over here okay well see if anybody tries to get through the window blocked by broomstick but do you really think they try to come to a second story well no many people can see them from the street well if they do they can't get in oh and and we got a guard dog so if anybody comes in this house they're gonna leave in a casket ask it now that's the type of talk I like to hear well I'll keep it yourself and your door's locked see you now no baby he's a guard dog not a pet what are we supposed to do we don't have a TV be bored I don't know maybe read a book reading now that's positive Tanya and Drew couldn't watch TV but that didn't stop them from reading it check this out Matlock at four o'clock when Nashville star Dolly Parton gets arrested for murder she turns to Ben Matlock look at this Moses Gun is going to be on The Jeffersons oh did you know Little House on the Prairie was closed captioned for the hearing impaired well Stephanie Mills is going to be ill Captain Kangaroo Meanwhile my father tried to get Clues from the clueless I want information and word on the street is that you got something what'd you hear that from radio or something you ain't got no damn TV so I heard talk to Mr Lincoln I mean maybe we want to talk to Mr Roosevelt too know what I would love to talk to Mr Roosevelt yes Mr President yeah Jonas is standing right here yeah yeah he ain't got enough money no he's really short of money yeah he's still standing here I will tell him Mr President okay okay I'll tell him bye-bye um he says to go talk to kill moves because kill moves has his ear to the street what do you hear kill moves four Riders two on ponies no about my place getting robbed I ain't hear anything about that but don't say I didn't want you about to come in Indian attack my father couldn't get our TV back and now he lost his chair what are these games they're Sports aren't they great you can eat a soup or a steak without changing hands Julius I can't take this anymore I feel like I'm tasting paper plate I'm calling the insurance company no no look look I already got some of our stuff back this is not our stuff it's still a great picture yeah they're white people look I got it at a fire sale for 15 seconds but they're white people get a crayon and color them in I'm calling the insurance company before you replace me with a white woman right now he's praying she doesn't look in the freezer what is it I've been robbed it's Lord have mercy they've broken to my house and took one of my widows Mrs Johnson no man Mrs Williams the red bone do you know how hard it is to find a good red bone well at least you got your help oh that's supposed to be funny I'm just saying you you can't take it with you I thought this place was supposed to be protected y'all got bells on your doors broomsticks on your windows where were you I was home and you didn't hear nothing I was busy you know you were busy okay look I can't live on these conditions okay if I don't get my red phone back I expect a reduction in my rents reduction in your rent did I stutter and you need to get rid of that dog and get a gun Blackie get out of my chair he's guarding it oh Lord he done get it now all right now Chris this is it you got 48 hours to train that dog or he's dog dogs aren't used in dog food but this wasn't a good time to correct my father I love black it but I'm in trouble no stop come back I didn't know which one was more dangerous Blackie running into the street or running over to that Puerto Rican fella thanks man oh no problem it's amazing every time I command them he doesn't do anything she speaks Puerto Rican but I don't know well that's too bad hey well living around here I don't live too far what's your name I'm Carlos Chris all right Chris so you think you can teach me some Spanish so I can train them sure while I was getting help my parents needed help I'm afraid your policy doesn't cover all of your losses what are you talking about why not well let me make sure I have all the facts first was there any wind damage no Ah that's too bad because you're covered for that we'll cover for wind damage any fire or flood associated with the loss no we got robbed well then there's not much I can do although we at Mutual Farms appreciate your business this slogan was your white hands with mutual what what me I mean we lost 117.43 worth of me I'm sorry according to our records you opted out of the meat coverage well at the time we didn't have any meat to cover so let me get this straight you're not paying us for the meat you're not paying us for the stereo but what are we paying you for peace of mind the peace of mind we don't want peace of mind we want a piece of furniture I understand that but uh look here Mister we have been your customers over 10 years this is our first phone call to you and believe me there have been many other problems can we call the insurance company now no now we have a swimming pool another time a plane dropped a load can't we call the insurance company now no way now we have new luggage one time aliens took over now can I call an insurance company no I've always wanted to go to another planet can't you do something to help I'll see what I can do um peanut butter he's lucky she didn't pull away any of his teeth [Music] what did you call him what was that oh training the dog in Spanish why it's part of the attack dog training like you can only talk to a German Shepherd in German or Irish Wolfhound and Irish this is a Puerto Rican mutt well I don't care what he speaks as long as he stays out of my chair and you turn him into a killer Bueno okay neither Drew and Tanya finally settled on an activity they could both enjoy prank phone calls do you have pigs feet yes well if you wear shoes nobody would notice hello is this Mr freely oh Mr IP freely all right uh I'm just confirming that I have a hundred large pieces ordered to Mr Omar's funeral home I'll check yes okay thank you tragic I didn't just learn Spanish I learned about a whole new world a world that ironically wasn't too different than the world I already knew it was a Puerto Rican kill move [Music] there was a Puerto Rican dot Aki it was a Puerto Rican risky [Music] there was even a Puerto Rican Jerome yay everything was different but getting robbed still hurt [Music] Carlo I need that [Music] um oh his name's Blackie hi negrito your name what's your name oh my name's Chris I'm Thalia this is my Amiga Claudia this dog was magic girls liked me pretty Puerto Rican girl Carlos oh well he's teaching me Spanish so I can train Blackie to be a guard dog what's so funny Blackie can be a guard dog why not watch this watch this lucky to y'all that don't speak Spanish that means attack [Music] don't get help the Puerto Rican girls are laughing at me this dog is alive another fighter in fact Blackie was such a lover we have to go to commercial right now man this is like nothing you ever seen before on the girls call me Papi Papi you're so in there que pasa mommy see so cool but aren't you supposed to be teaching Blackie to attack Intruders I'm working on it this book may help turn your puff into a perp teaching dogs to kill perfect [Music] I was going to do everything I could to get the attack out of black [Music] anywhere [Music] [Music] only one more stop in the blackhead training program okay so before we leave he needs to smell all you guys so he knows not to attack you will he attack Mr Omar oh oh okay so this is my sister Tanya right here and this is my brother Drew okay this is my mom Rochelle right here okay okay okay Chris hurry up so I can get to the store before all the good stuff is gone and this is my father Julius and this is Mr Omar my neighbor and what is that uh these belong to some of my lady friends I suppose I'm sure they're safe the only dog they have to worry about is you come on y'all I figured even if Blackie wasn't a killer what difference did it make we'd already been robbed twice what were the chances it would happen again they broke in again everybody get back hey I got a gun yeah it just looks like a frying pan I took my bells come on in believe this I wonder what they took this time hey at least they didn't take the TV digest it doesn't look like anything is missing maybe black you scared them off I don't think so like he's gone they stole Blackie I love having a dog and losing black it made me really depressed plus having the last hit Rin 1010 sound attorney and Hooch marathon on TV didn't help oh boy who is it police is this about the robbery no our emergency operators traced several prank phone calls back to this number prank phone calls yes calls to IP freely pizza orders and finally a distressed call that a woman was getting choked to death it's not even funny I don't get it it's absurdist you're not supposed do you know anything about this no true what time do y'all know anything about this about what about what I'm sorry officer this won't happen again trust me see I like getting choked huh oh you better run you better run as fast as you can I thought I'd never see Blackie again Blackie he come on Stars how are you and he thought he'd never seen me before like he remembers me Chris told me he go hey papi what's up [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] thank you

Channel: LOL Network

Views: 5,331,423

Keywords: kevin hart, hartbeat productions, funny, comedy, comedian, plastic cup boyz, actor, stand up, lol, laugh out loud, LOL Network, laugh out loud network, african american

Id: c1zFR1tQrAY

Length: 148min 35sec (8915 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 22 2023