WELCOME.
WELCOME MORNING ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. IT'S A BEAUTIFUL SPRING DAY
HERE IN NEW YORK. BIRDS ARE TAKING TO THE SKY,
BUNNIES ARE TAKING TO THE FIELD, FOX GOT TAKEN TO THE CLEANERS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 'CAUSE YESTERDAY, FOX NEWS
SETTLED DOMINION'S DEFAMATION LAWSUIT FOR
$787.5 MILLION. THIS IS A HUGE HIT
TO FOX'S BOTTOM LINE, ALTHOUGH IT'S NOT CLEAR IF
INSURANCE WILL COVER SOME OF FOX'S LIABILITY.
OF COURSE, FOX HAS TO HAVE LIABILITY INSURANCE
TO INSURE THEIR ABILITY TO LIE. ALTHOUGH, ALTHOUGH...
[APPLAUSE] I DON'T KNOW WHO WOULD
INSURE THEM. MAYBE FRAUDERS.
"WE ARE FRAUDERS, INSURING FOX WAS DUMB, DUMB,
DUMB!" THIS MASSIVE SETTLEMENT
WAS THE NUMBER ONE STORY ON EVERY SINGLE CABLE NEWS
NETWORK EXCEPT ONE. TAKE A GUESS.
IN FACT, WHEN THE SETTLEMENT WAS REACHED, FOX NEWS COULDN'T
EVEN BRING THEMSELVES TO TELL THEIR VIEWERS HOW MUCH THEY
FORKED OVER TO DOMINION. THE CLOSEST THEY CAME WAS
A STATEMENT FROM FOX NEWS HOST AND TAXIDERMIED CORPSE OF
HOWIE KURTZ, HOWIE KURTZ.
HOWARD, TELL THEM HOW MUCH DOMINION WON.
>> A DOMINION LAWYER GAVE REPORTERS A DOLLAR FIGURE
FOR THE SETTLEMENT, BUT I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO
INDEPENDENTLY CONFIRM THAT. >> Stephen: TWO HOURS AFTER THE
SETTLEMENT WAS ANNOUNCED HE CAN'T CONFIRM
HOW MUCH FOX NEWS PAID? IF ONLY THIS FOX NEWS ANCHOR
HAD SOME SOURCE AT FOX NEWS! THIS MIGHT NOT EVEN BE THE END
OF THE CASH PARTY FOR DOMINION. THEY'RE ALSO SUING CONSERVATIVE
NETWORKS OANN AND NEWSMAX, CONSPIRACY LAWYER SIDNEY POWELL,
AND MY PILLOW CEO MIKE LINDELL, FOR $1.3 BILLION.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I DON'T THINK LINDELL HAS THAT
KIND OF CASH ON HAND. HE'S GONNA TO HAVE TO CHANGE HIS
NAME AND FLEE TO MEXICO TO START "MI PILLOW."
"HOLA, MY NAME IS MIGUEL PILLOW, THIS IS MY BRIDE,
MARIA MEMORY FOAM." BURRITO, TACO,
EXTRA GUAC. ♪ ♪
DOMINION ALSO HAS A DEFAMATION CASE AGAINST RUDY GIULIANI,
ALSO FOR $1.3 BILLION. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S A LOT, MAN. THEY'RE SUING RUDY FOR
EVERYTHING HE'S GOT! WHICH AT THIS POINT, IS A STOLEN
CVS SHOPPING CART FULL OF EMPTY MERLOT BOTTLES AND A JAR
FULL OF SPARE TEETH. FOX NEWS ISN'T EVEN OFF THE HOOK
YET, EITHER. THEY'RE ALSO BEING SUED FOR
ALL THEIR ELECTION LIES FOR $2.7 BILLION, BY A VOTING
MACHINE COMPANY CALLED SMARTMATIC.
AND WE ALREADY KNOW FOX IS AFRAID OF THIS ONE.
FOR PROOF, LOOK AT FORMER FOX HOST AND WAX SCULPTURE OF
WILLIAM SHATNER LEFT NEXT TO AN OPEN FLAME, LOU DOBBS.
LOU DOBBS IS NAMED AS A DEFENDANT IN THIS ONE
AND JUST ONE DAY AFTER THE SMARTMATIC SUIT WAS FILED,
FOX BUSINESS CANCELED LOU DOBBS'S SHOW.
IT WAS A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT FOR HIS AUDIENCE:
A CAGE FULL OF PARAKEETS IN THE DAY ROOM.
BUT FOX IS TRYING TO MAKE SOME MONEY BACK, BECAUSE THEY'RE ALSO
A PLAINTIFF IN AN ELECTION LAWSUIT ON BEHALF OF FOX CEO
LACHLAN MURDOCH, SEEN HERE ASKING RUPERT "WHAT HAPPENED
TO MY NEW STEPMOMMY?" LACHLAN IS SUING AN AUSTRALIAN
WEBSITE FOR IMPLYING HE WAS A CONSPIRATOR IN THE JANUARY
6TH INSURRECTION. THE ACTUAL NAME OF THAT
WEBSITE: CRIKEY NEWS!
NOW, AND IF THEY LOSE, IT'LL BE GOOD FOR ITS MAIN COMPETITOR
DIDGERI-NEWS. "TONIGHT'S TOP STORY:
[DIDGERIDOO MUSIC] ALL THAT, AND DEADLY SPIDERS
IN YOUR SHOWER." SO...
WE DON'T BROADCAST THERE, DO WE?
FOX NEWS IS OUT A WHOLE LOT OF MONEY, BUT THEY'RE NOT
TELLING THEIR VIEWERS THAT. AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO,
BECAUSE THIS SETTLEMENT DOES NOT FORCE THEM TO OWN UP TO THE
DAMAGE THEY DID TO OUR COUNTRY OR APOLOGIZE ON THEIR NETWORK.
SO... >> [BOOING]
>> Stephen: WE FEEL THE SAME WAY.
SO WE'VE DECIDED TO MAKE THEM APOLOGIZE ON OUR NETWORK.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] JIM?
>> BEFORE WE GO TONIGHT, WE WANT TO SAY --
>> WE'RE SORRY -- >> TO DOMINION --
>> AND TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. >> WE HERE AT FOX NEWS --
>> LIED TO YOU ABOUT -- >> THE 2020 ELECTION --
>> REPEATEDLY AND CONSISTENTLY. >> WE ADMT THAT WE ARE
GUILTY -- >> OF AMPLIFYING THOSE VOICES.
>> INSANE PEOPLE LIKE THIS GUY. >> HELLO, I'M MIKE LINDELL.
>> A GUY LIKE THIS IS GIVEN A PLATFORM --
>> BECAUSE WE WANT TO MAKE SURE --
>> WHEN YOU'RE WATCHING FOX NEWS --
>> IT WILL MAKE YOU DUMBER. >> MY ORIGINAL MY SLIPPERS
ARE BACK IN STOCK. >> PLEASE --
>> TAKE US OFF -- >> TELEVISION BEFORE WE --
>> ALLOW THESE CROOKS -- >> TO TURN OUR COUNTRY INTO --
>> DUMPS, BIG MASSIVE DUMPS! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: WELL... WE'VE DONE OUR PART NOW.
WHILE FOX NEWS IS COUGHING UP CASH FOR SPREADING LIES,
THE GUY THEY WERE LYING FOR IS BUSY SCAMMING CASH
OUT OF THE PEOPLE THEY WERE LYING TO.
'CAUSE YESTERDAY, HE MADE THIS ANNOUNCEMENT.
>> HELLO AGAIN. THIS IS YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT
DONALD TRUMP WITH SOME NEWS YOU ARE GOING TO REALLY LOVE.
A FEW MONTHS AGO WE ALMOST BROKE THE INTERNET WHEN I
ANNOUNCED MY TRUMP DIGITAL TRADING CARDS.
WELL, I'VE GOT SOME FANTASTIC NEWS FOR YOU.
MY TRUMP DIGITAL TRADING CARDS ARE BACK WITH A BANG.
>> Stephen: HIS DIGITAL TRADING CARDS
ARE BACK WITH A BANG?
LESS NATURAL THAN THE MASHUP WE JUST DID.
THESE CARDS ARE NFTs, WHICH DIGITAL FINANCE EXPERTS DEFINE
AS "A SCAM WE ALL STOPPED FALLING FOR 8 MONTHS AGO."
AND THE FIRST BATCH FEATURED THE EX-PRESIDENT AS
WEARING RACE CAR PAJAMAS, AS A BAD BOY ASTRONAUT
WITH ROBO-BELT AND MAKING STOCKS GO UP WITH THE INSPIRING HAT
MESSAGE. DOW.
THE NEW BATCH OF CARDS HAS SOME REAL AVANT GARDE WORK.
LIKE HIM STEALING THE LIBERTY BELL, AND THIS ONE
WHERE HE'S WITH A LION THAT IS ON FIRE THAT IS PAWING
AT THE EARTH, WHICH IS ALSO FLOATING IN THE CLOUDY SKY OF
EARTH, IN FRONT OF THE BEAUTIFUL CONSTELLATION OF "45 RUUUU!"
THAT ONE, OF COURSE, BROUGHT TO YOU BY KYLE WHO TOOK SOME
MUSHROOMS AND STARTED PLAYIN' AROUND WITH HIS
A.I. ARTBOT. KYLE!
MUSHROOMS, I DON'T KNOW. BUT THAT'S NOT ALL!
HERE HE IS REENACTING THAT FAMOUS MOMENT WHEN WASHINGTON
LOOKED INTO THE DRESSING ROOMS OF THE MISS TEEN USA PAGEANT.
EACH OF THESE BEAUTIFUL, COLLECTIBLE EMBARRASSMENTS
COULD BE YOURS FOR ONLY $99. IF THEY WEREN'T ALREADY
SOLD OUT. HONESTLY, I'M HAPPY FOR ALL
THOSE MAGA SENIORS WHO WERE ABLE TO PURCHASE THESE AFTER GETTING
THEIR GRANDKIDS ON THE PHONE TO HELP THEM "DO A COMPUTER."
AS FOR MY FAVORITE, I CAN'T DECIDE BETWEEN SCREAMING
WHILE PLAYING GUITAR AND SCREAMING WHILE PLAYING
GUITAR ON A HARLEY. IT'S GONNA BE HARD TO TOP THAT
ON THE NEXT BATCH. I'M THINKIN' PLAYING GUITAR
ON A MOTORCYCLE, ON A BOAT, HANGIN' FROM A HELICOPTER,
PILOTED BY A LAVA GORILLA IN SPACE!
$98. BACK DOWN ON EARTH, THERE'S SOME
NEWS FROM IOWA. AND IT'S NOT GOOD.
YESTERDAY, THEIR STATE SENATE PASSED A BILL LOOSENING
CHILD LABOR LAWS. YEAH, KIDS HAVE HAD IT EASY
FOR TOO LONG. THEY'RE SO SPOILED THESE DAYS
WITH THEIR iPHONES AND THEIR PS5s AND ALL TEN OF THEIR
FINGERS. IF YOU HADN'T HEARD ABOUT THIS
BILL, IT'S BECAUSE IT WAS PASSED TUESDAY MORNING AT 4:52 A.M.
NEVER A GREAT SIGN. THE ONLY THINGS ANYONE
SHOULD BE DOING AT 4:52 A.M. IS PARTYING BECAUSE YOU'RE
YOUNG OR PEEING BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT.
[APPLAUSE] SURE.
SWOLLEN PROSTATE! NOW, IF PASSED BY THE HOUSE,
THIS BILL WILL ALLOW 14-YEAR-OLDS TO WORK SIX-HOUR
NIGHT SHIFTS. THAT'S GONNA LEAD TO SOME BRAND
NEW HOMEWORK EXCUSES. "I'M SORRY, MRS. LARSEN.
MY DIORAMA OF TREASURE ISLAND GOT CAUGHT IN THE HOG
MANGLER." THIS BILL ALSO ALLOWS
15-YEAR-OLDS TO WORK ON ASSEMBLY LINES MOVING ITEMS UP
TO 50 POUNDS. AND OLDER TEENS GET THE JOBS
THAT ARE EVEN MORE FUN. BECAUSE THIS BILL ALLOWS
16- AND 17-YEAR-OLDS TO SERVE ALCOHOL.
COME ON. HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO POUR
YOUR HEART OUT TO A 16-YEAR-OLD BARTENDER?
"HAD A FIGHT WITH THE MISSUS? I HEAR YA.
I HAD A BIG ARGUMENT WITH TYLER TODAY OVER WHO
WOULD WIN, AN ORC THIEF OR A HALF-ELF MAGIC USER.
ANYWAY, CAN I HAVE YOUR COCKTAIL UMBRELLA?
I NEED TO REDO MY DIORAMA OF TREASURE ISLAND."
GOT CAUGHT IN THE HOG MANGLER. TODAY'S SPECIAL IS MANGLED HOG.
IN ACROSS THE POND NEWS, WE'RE JUST A FEW WEEKS AWAY
FROM THE CORONATION OF KING CHARLES, SEEN HERE LEARNING
THE INGREDIENTS OF BLOOD PUDDING.
"CHARLES WILL OFFICIALLY BE CROWNED KING ON MAY 6TH"
IS A SENTENCE I AM SOMEHOW STILL SAYING IN 2023.
AND WE'RE STARTING TO GET DETAILS ABOUT THE CELEBRATION.
BUCKINGHAM PALACE RECENTLY ANNOUNCED THE OFFICIAL
RECIPE OF THE WEEKEND IS CORONATION QUICHE,
ALONG WITH COOKING INSTRUCTIONS. I'M TOLD WE HAVE A COPY OF
CHARLES' QUICHE RECIPE. STEP ONE: TELL YOUR
VALET YOU WANT QUICHE. STEP TWO: QUICHE APPEARS.
NOT ALL OF THE PREPARATIONS ARE GOING AS SMOOTHLY.
THE PALACE HAS REPORTEDLY HAD A VERY HARD TIME FINDING
ANY MUSICIANS TO PERFORM. THEY'VE BEEN TURNED DOWN BY
HARRY STYLES, ELTON JOHN, THE SPICE GIRLS, ADELE,
AND ED SHEERAN. YOUR HIGHNESS, HEAR ME OUT,
JUST HIRE A D.J. MY COUSIN RICKY HAS AN iPOD,
AND A CONNECTION TO SOME MOLLY. IF THERE'S A BLUETOOTH
HOOKUP AT WESTMINSTER, YOU AND CAMILLA ARE GONNA BE
DOING THE CHICKEN DANCE IN THE AISLES.
BUT THEY HAVE FINALLY FOUND SOMEONE TO SING FOR OL' KING
CHUCKY BECAUSE WE NOW KNOW THAT KATY PERRY AND LIONEL
RICHIE WILL PERFORM AT KING CHARLES'S CORONATION
CONCERT. AH, YES, THOSE FAMOUS ICONS OF
BRITISH MUSIC, KATY PERRY AND LIONEL RICHIE.
YOU KNOW THEIR SONGS "'ELLO" AND "I SNOGGED A LASS,
AND IT WAS ALL RIGHT, INNIT?" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW
FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE ELIZABETH OLSEN
AND COMEDIAN JENA FRIEDMAN. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
THE LATEST TECH TRENDS.
