WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. (APPLAUSE)
VERY NICE, VERY NICE. NOW
SHARP-EYED VIEWERS WILL NOTICE I'M SITTING FOR TONIGHT'S
MONOLOGUE. THAT'S BECAUSE WE TAPED THIS
EARLIER. YEAH, EARLIER.
RIGHT NOW, I'M ACTUALLY ON MY WAY BACK FROM THE EMMYS.
I'M EITHER VERY PROUD OF MY STAFF--
OR I'M VERY PROUD OF MY STAFF AND WE WON AN EMMY.
TONIGHTS-- TONIGHT, WE'VE GOT A TON OF
GREAT, NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN STUFF FOR YOU FEATURING THE SEXIEST
CELEBRITIES PLUS THE GUESTS I'M INTERVIEWING.
BUT FIRST FOR YOU TONIGHT, WE PUT TOGETHER A SPECIAL
LOOK BACK AT FORMER PRESIDENT ONE TRICK PHONY.
THE MAN JUST WON'T GO AWAY. EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, THERE'S
ANOTHER STORY ABOUT HIM. HIM UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR THIS
OR THAT OR THE OTHER NUCLEAR SECRET.
SO BUT THE BIGGEST STORY WILL
ALWAYS BE JANUARY 6th-- THE DAY HE ATTEMPTED TO THROW OUR
ELECTION OUT THE WINDOW, THEN HIS CHICKEN NUGGETS AT THE WALL.
THIS MONTH, THE SELECT COMMITTEE WILL BE BACK WITH MORE
REVELATIONS THAT WILL SHOCK ANYONE...
WHO HASN'T BEEN WATCHING MY SHOW.
BECAUSE WE LOOKED BACK, AND, TURNS OUT?
WE PREDICTED EVERY INSANE, CRIMINAL STEP HE TOOK DOWN
NUTBALL TREASON HIGHWAY. AND OUR JOB HERE AT THE SHOW
IS TO TALK ABOUT ALL THAT STUFF THAT WE ALL HEAR AND NEWS
EVERY DAY, AND TALK ABOUT IT WITH YOU, WE TALK ABOUT IT
TOGETHER SO YOU DON'T FEEL ALONE.
WHICH WE ALL WERE. BECAUSE THIS WAS DURING COVID,
WHEN I WAS DOING MY SHOW FROM A SUPPLY CLOSET ON THE 8th
FLOOR WITH THE HAIRDO OF OF A LASCIVIOUS ENGLISH
PROFESSOR. "MY OFFICE HOURS ARE 4:00 P.M.
TO BREAKFAST." SO LET'S TAKE A LOOK BACK AT
THE LEAD-UP TO JANUARY 6th, AND HUMBLY REMIND OURSELVES
WHAT WE WERE TOTALLY RIGHT ABOUT ALL ALONG.
WE JUST FOUND OUT THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS ACTIVELY DISCUSSING
RADICAL MEASURES TO BYPASS THE ELECTION RESULTS.
BUT ACCORDING TO A TRUMP CAMPAIGN LEGAL ADVISOR, IF TRUMP
LOSES THE ELECTION, HIS CAMPAIGN CAMPAIGN LEGAL ADVISOR, IF TRUMP
LOSES THE ELECTION, HIS CAMPAIGN IS CONSIDERING ASKING
"LEGISLATORS IN BATTLEGROUND STATES, WHERE REPUBLICANS HAVE A
LEGISLATIVE MAJORITY, TO BYPASS THE STATE'S POPULAR VOTE," AND
TO CHOOSE ELECTORS LOYAL TO THE G.O.P. AND THE SITTING
PRESIDENT. WELL, LIKE LINCOLN SAID AT
GETTYSBURG, "A GOVERNMENT OF THE PEOPLE, BY THE PEOPLE, FOR THE
PEOPLE SHALL NOT PERISH FROM THIS EARTH.
UNLESS I LOSE. IN WHICH CASE, I'M KING NOW.
BOW BEFORE LINCOLN!" WE ARE LIVE, RIGHT THERE, AFTER
THE FIRST PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE! TONIGHT WAS THE OPENING ROUND OF
DONALD TRUMP VERSUS JOE BIDEN: THE BATTLE OF THE BOOMERS!
THE SHOW-MAN VERSUS THE JOE-MAN! GET READY FOR DEMOCRACY TO
CRUUUUUUMBLE! >> I AM URGING MY SUPPORTERS TO
GO INTO THE POLLS AND WATCH VERY CAREFULLY.
>> Stephen: "MAYBE GO HANG OUT THERE, WEARING YOUR FAVORITE
BROWN SHIRT, AND JUST, YOU KNOW, S.S. THE SITUATION."
BUT THE MOST HORRIFYING MOMENT OF THIS, OR REALLY ANY DEBATE,
WAS WHEN THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES DID NOT CONDEMN
WHITE SUPREMACY. >> YOU WANT TO CALL THEM?
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO CALL THEM? GIVE ME A NAME.
GIVE ME A NAME. >> WHITE SUPREMICISTS, PROUD
BOYS, AND RIGHT-WING MILITIA. >> PROUD BOYS.
>> PROUD BOYS, STAND BACK AND STAND BY.
>> Stephen: THE PROUD BOYS HEARD TRUMP'S MESSAGE LOUD AND CLEAR.
BECAUSE, WITHIN MINUTES, "GROUP MEMBERS CALLED THE PRESIDENT'S
COMMENT A TACIT ENDORSEMENT OF THEIR VIOLENT TACTICS."
NOW, THAT'S JUST NOT FAIR. THERE WAS NOTHING TACIT ABOUT
IT. THAT'S LIKE SAYING CARDI B.
OFFERED A TACIT ENDORSEMENT OF NATURAL LUBRICATION.
NOW, HAVING SEEN TONIGHT'S DEBATE, THERE'S TWO THINGS-
>> BLAH, BLAH, BLAH BLAH BLAH. >> Stephen: NO!
NO! GET OUT OF HERE!
BACK! BACK, BACK!
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO KEEP HIM OFF THE FURNITURE.
BUT IF TRUMP DOES END UP LOSING...
(MOUTHS "PLEASE") I'M SURE HE WILL BE GRACIOUS
WHEN HE PRETENDS THAT HE WON. BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO "AXIOS,"
TRUMP PLANS TO DECLARE PREMATURE VICTORY.
PREMATURE IS NO SURPRISE. LIKE HE ALWAYS SAYS TO HIS
LADIES: "I WAS FIRST.
I WIN SEX!" THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO PRECEDENT
FOR A PRESIDENT TO ACTUALLY-- >> I WIN, I WIN, I WIN--
>> Stephen: GET OUT OF HERE! I CAST YOU OUT!
GO! GET!
I'LL TELL YOU, I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE ON SHOWTIME, BECAUSE
HOLY (BLEEP), THIS IS A WEIRD (BLEEP) ELECTION.
WE ARE NOW ABLE TO PROJECT THAT DELAWARE HAS BEEN WON BY
JOE BIDEN. WELL, I SHOULD HOPE SO!
IT'S HIS HOME STATE. THAT WOULD BE LIKE DONALD TRUMP
LOSING NEW YORK-- HE WHAT?!
AND, 24 HOURS LATER, WE STILL DON'T KNOW THE WINNER OF THE
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION. >> I WIN!
I WIN! I WIN!
>> Stephen: GET OUT OF HERE! GET!
GO! SCAT!
>> (HISS) >> Stephen: LAST NIGHT, AT 12:45
A.M., WITH MILLIONS OF BALLOTS STILL UNCOUNTED, AND BIDEN AHEAD
IN THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE AND THE POPULAR VOTE TRUMP TWEETED,
"WE ARE WINNING BIG, BUT THEY ARE TRYING TO STEAL
THE ELECTION. WE WILL NEVER LET THEM DO IT.
VOTES CANNOT BE CAST AFTER THE 'POLES' ARE CLOSED!"
FIRST OF ALL, YOU'RE LITERALLY NOT WINNING.
SECOND, I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU MEANT THAT SPELLING OF "POLLS."
"I HATE IT WHEN THE POLES CLOSE. ALL THE DANCERS LEAVE THE STAGE,
AND YOU'RE LEFT ALL ALONE, TOTALLY BROKE, COVERED IN
GLITTER AND SPITTLE." BUT, YOU KNOW, TWEET SCHMEET.
IT'S NOT LIKE, RIGHT AFTER MIDNIGHT, HE MARCHED INTO THE
EAST ROOM AND DECLARED VICTORY AND SAID "STOP COUNTING."
HE WAITED UNTIL 2:00 A.M. FOR THAT.
>> WE WERE GETTING READY TO WIN THIS ELECTION.
FRANKLY, WE DID WIN THIS ELECTION.
>> Stephen: THERE IT IS. A POWER GRAB BY A TERRIFIED
STRONGMAN IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT. CLASSIC.
IF THERE'S ANYTHING 2:00 A.M. IS KNOWN FOR, IT'S DESPERATE MOVES
BY SAD LITTLE MEN WHO ARE AFRAID TO GO HOME FEELING LIKE A LOSER.
JOE BIDEN DID IT! ("CELEBRATE")
HE'S OUR NEXT PRESIDENT! IT FEELS LIKE AMERICA IS...
WHAT'S THE WORD? GREAT AGAIN.
IT'S BEEN TWO DAYS SINCE THE ELECTION WAS CALLED FOR BIDEN,
AND AS OF THIS TAPING, DONALD TRUMP HAS REFUSED TO CONCEDE.
THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN HOLED UP IN THE WHITE HOUSE TANTRUM
PANTRY, WHERE THINGS ARE SO STRESSFUL, THE "DAILY MAIL"
REPORTS HIS STAFF IS LIGHTING ROSE-SCENTED CANDLES IN AN
ATTEMPT TO SOFTEN THE ENVIRONMENT.
AND TO COMBAT THE SMELL OF FAST FOOD DELIVERED TO THE
PRESIDENT. JUST A PREVIEW OF THE
INTENSE DE-STANKIFICATION THE BIDEN-HARRIS TEAM WILL
HAVE TO DO. MIGHT BE BEST TO JUST REPLACE
THE RESOLUTE DESK WITH A GIANT GLADE PLUG-IN.
OUR SOON-TO-BE FORMER PRESIDENT, CITING BASELESS CHARGES OF
NON-EXISTENT FRAUD, INSTRUCTED GOVERNMENT LEADERS TO BLOCK
COOPERATION WITH PRESIDENT-ELECT BIDEN'S TRANSITION TEAM.
HERE'S THE THING-- PEACEFUL TRANSITIONS ARE IMPORTANT.
YOU DON'T SEE ME STARTING THE SHOW EVERY NIGHT GETTING IN A
KNIFE FIGHT WITH DAVE LETTERMAN. I WOULDN'T DARE!
THE GUY'S GOT THE REACH! THOSE HOOSIERS ARE SCRAPPY!
IT HAS BEEN FIVE DAYS SINCE IT BECAME CLEAR THAT JOE BIDEN WON
THE ELECTION, AT WHICH POINT, THE CURRENT PRESIDENT REFUSED TO
CONCEDE, DUCT-TAPED HIMSELF TO THE RESOLUTE DESK, AND SLAPPED A
SIGN ON THE OVAL OFFICE DOOR THAT SAYS "NO DEMS ALOUD."
WELL, BUCKLE UP, BUDDY BOYS, BECAUSE GETTING THIS GUY OUT
OF OFFICE IS GOING TO BE A BUMPY RIDE.
YESTERDAY, THE ADMINISTRATION REMOVED SENIOR DEFENSE OFFICIALS
AND INSTALLED LOYALISTS, TRIGGERING ALARM AT THE
PENTAGON. PRESIDENTS DON'T USUALLY
SACK TOP DEFENSE OFFICIALS WHEN THEY'RE PLANNING TO LEAVE OFFICE
IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS. ONE DEFENSE OFFICIAL PUT IT THIS
WAY: THESE ARE DICTATOR MOVES."
YES, BUT THEY'VE INSPIRED AN EXCITING NEW MAROON 5 REMIX.
GOT THE MOVES LIKE STALIN I'VE GOT THE MOVES LIKE STALIN
I'VE GOT THE MOOOOO-VES LIKE STALIN
TODAY, AT AROUND 4:00 EASTERN CRAZY TIME, THE PRESIDENT POSTED
A CONSPIRACY-THEORY-FILLED RANT ON FACEBOOK.
>> WE'RE LEADING BY A LOT. AND THEN, AT 3:42 IN THE
MORNING, THERE WAS THIS. IT WAS A MASSIVE DUMP OF VOTES.
>> Stephen: AGAIN WITH THE MASSIVE DUMPS?
BUT, GIVEN HIS CHEESEBURGER AT BEDTIME, 3:42 IN THE MORNING
SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT FOR HIM. SHOWING A SURPRISING AMOUNT OF
SELF-AWARENESS, THE PRESIDENT EVEN KNEW HOW POORLY HIS
STUPIDITY WOULD BE RECEIVED. >> EVEN WHAT I'M SAYING NOW
WILL BE DEMEANED AND DISPARAGED. BUT, THAT'S OKAY.
>> Stephen: WELL, AS LONG AS IT'S OKAY...
YOU'RE A PETTY, ANGRY MAN, DESPERATE FOR VALIDATION THAT
YOU WILL NEVER RECEIVE, AND HAVE NEVER DESERVED.
AND IN 50 DAYS, YOU'LL BE OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE, WITHOUT THE
PROTECTIONS OF EXECUTIVE POWER, AND NO COURT IS GOING TO UPHOLD
YOU PARDONING YOURSELF. PLUS, YOU'RE UGLY, AND YOUR
MOTHER DRESSES YOU FUNNY. WE GOT A HOT NEW RECORDING OF A
JAW-DROPPING PHONE CALL BETWEEN THE PRESIDENT AND GEORGIA
SECRETARY OF STATE, AND MAN TAPING A HOSTAGE VIDEO FROM A
LAQUINTA INN... BRAD RAFFENSPERGER.
>> IF WE COULD JUST GO OVER SOME OF THE NUMBERS, I THINK
IT'S PRETTY CLEAR THAT WE WON. WE WON VERY SUBSTANTIALLY DOWN
IN GEORGIA. YOU EVEN SEE IT BY RALLY SIZE,
FRANKLY. WE'D BE GETTING 25,000 TO 30,000
PEOPLE A RALLY. >> Stephen: OKAY, 25,000, 30,000
PEOPLE. THAT IS A LOT OF PEOPLE.
CAN'T DENY THAT. ONE PROBLEM?
RALLY SIZE DOES NOT DECIDE WHO WINS AN ELECTION.
THAT'S WHY, ON THE 20th OF JANUARY, WE WON'T BE SWEARING IN
PRESIDENT B.T.S. "MY FELLOW AMERICANS, THE STATE
OF OUR UNION IS... (HEART FINGERS)."
BUT THE MAIN THING ON HIS MIND WAS TOMORROW'S CONGRESSIONAL
CERTIFICATION OF JOE BIDEN'S WIN.
THE PRESIDENT STILL THINKS HE HAS A CHANCE TO SOMEHOW OVERTURN
THAT, PARTLY BECAUSE THE GUY OVERSEEING THE CERTIFICATION
CEREMONY IS VICE PRESIDENT, AND FEDERALLY PROTECTED
FLY-HABITAT... MIKE PENCE.
AND HE REALLY EXPECTS PENCE TO HAVE HIS BACK ON THIS:
>> I HOPE MIKE PENCE COMES THROUGH FOR US.
I HAVE TO TELL YOU. (APPLAUSE)
I HOPE THAT OUR GREAT VICE PRESIDENT--
OUR GREAT VICE PRESIDENT-- COMES THROUGH FOR US.
HE'S A GREAT GUY. OF COURSE, IF HE DOESN'T
COME THROUGH, I WON'T LIKE HIM QUITE AS MUCH.
>> Stephen: IF THIS WERE AN AFTER-SCHOOL SPECIAL, THIS
IS THE PART WHERE WE WOULD TELL MIKE PENCE THAT IF THE
PRESIDENT SAYS HE WON'T LIKE YOU UNLESS YOU GIVE HIM WHAT HE
WANTS, THEN HE DOESN'T REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU!
HE SHOULD LIKE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE.
ALTHOUGH, WE UNDERSTAND WHY HE WOULDN'T, BECAUSE WHO YOU ARE
IS MIKE PENCE. THOUSANDS OF MAGA PROTESTERS
STORMED THE CAPITOL BUILDING. IT'S A HORRIFYING DAY THAT WILL
GO DOWN IN U.S. HISTORY... HOWEVER MUCH LONGER THAT IS.
NOW, IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING WHAT KIND OF AMERICANS WOULD TRY
TO VIOLENTLY OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT, YOU GUESSED IT:
IT'S THIS KIND. IS IT JUST ME, OR DOES THAT
THING ALWAYS SEEM TO SHOW UP AT ONLY THE WORST EVENTS?
YOU NEVER READ, "THE CONFEDERATE FLAG WAS SEEN TODAY WAVING OVER
FREE YOGA IN THE PARK." TODAY, THE HOUSE OF
REPRESENTATIVES IMPEACHED THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
I FEEL LIKE I JUST TOOK DOWN MY DECORATIONS FROM THE LAST
IMPEACHMENT! TODAY'S VOTE IS HISTORIC,
BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME, A PRESIDENT HAS BEEN IMPEACHED
TWICE. MAKES SENSE.
THIS PRESIDENT LOVES HAVING SECONDS.
(RIM SHOT) ALSO, HE'S A TRAITOR.
IN THE END, THE TAKEAWAY FROM THIS PRESIDENCY IS,
TAKE HIM AWAY. WE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW"
HAVE BEEN COUNTING DOWN TO THIS DAY FOR FOUR LONG YEARS.
LITERALLY COUNTING. YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT
WHEN WE WERE IN THE THEATER, THERE WAS A NUMBER IN THE BACK
OF THE DOME. AND THAT WAS THE NUMBER OF DAYS
TILL THE END OF THE PRESIDENT'S TERM.
AND WE COUNTED IT DOWN EVERY NIGHT, FOR FOUR LONG PAINFUL
YEARS. AND TONIGHT, THE NUMBER ON THE
DOME HAS COUNTED DOWN TO ONE. ("HIT THE ROAD JACK" PLAYING)
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
COMING UP, IN NEVER-SEEN-BEFORE FOOTAGE, I GIVE THE "COLBERT
QUESTIONERT" TO ETHAN HAWKE AND ROBERT DE NIRO.
STICK AROUND.
