WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I JUST LOVE BEING WITH THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE.
I GET DOWN LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE STAGE WITH YOU PEOPLE.
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GUYS FEEL ABOUT THE SHAPE OF THE WORLD
THESE DAYS. BUT, UM...
YOU KNOW THIS GUY DONALD TRUMP? YOU HEARD OF THIS GUY?
[BOOING] PEOPLE TALK ABOUT HIM A LOT.
AND BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT HIM, WE TALK ABOUT HIM,
LIKE, SAY, THE 91 CHARGES HE'S FACING, WHICH IS,
TECHNICALLY SPEAKING, TECHNICALLY SPEAKING,
I DON'T WANT TO GET INTO THE LEGAL JARGON HERE.
THAT'S A LOT. THAT'S A LOT OF CHARGES.
BUT AS MUCH AS ALL OF US TALK AND THINK ABOUT THIS NUMBNUT,
EVERY SO OFTEN IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT, WITH THIS GUY,
IT'S IMPORTANT TO, LET'S SAY, METAPHORICALLY JAM THE SHARPENED
STICK OF KNOWLEDGE INTO THE SOFT INNER THIGH OF YOUR MIND
AND JUST GRIND IT AROUND A BIT TO TRY TO REAWAKEN
THE HORROR OF WHAT OUR COUNTRY WOULD BE LIKE IF THIS
HATE-FILLED DINGUS AND HIS SOULLESS GOONS
EVER GOT A HOLD OF POWER AGAIN. BECAUSE...
[CHEERING] BECAUSE, AND I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU'VE NOTICED, BUT DONALD TRUMP IS A FASCIST.
TOO HARSH, YOU SAY? FINE.
BUT CONSIDER THIS, MY FRIENDS. OVER THE PAST WEEK,
TRUMP HAS REPEATEDLY COMPARED HIS POLITICAL OPPONENTS TO
VERMIN WHO HE WILL ROOT OUT. FIRST, OKAY.
THAT'S DEHUMANIZING HIS FELLOW AMERICANS.
SECOND, IF HE'S REALLY LOOKING FOR VERMIN, HE SHOULD START
WITH HIS OWN LAWYER, WHO I BELIEVE IS AN ALCOHOLIC
MOLE RAT. OKAY?
NOW, FURTHER, MY FRIENDS, IF THE WORD "VERMIN" HAS A HINT
OF HIMMLER TO YOU, WELL-SPOTTED. BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE
WASHINGTON POST, TRUMP HAS LONG TOYED WITH THE LANGUAGE OF
FASCISTS BUT IS NOW ECHOING DICTATORS LIKE HITLER
AND MUSSOLINI. YES, SOME IN THE MEDIA
ARE STARTING TO SUSPECT THAT THE GUY WHO SENT A VIOLENT MOB
TO MURDER HIS VICE PRESIDENT SO HE COULD STAY IN POWER
MIGHT HAVE A DARK SIDE. AND YESTERDAY, TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN
PUSHED BACK ON THE COMPARISON TO JACK-BOOTED DICTATORS
WITH THIS REASSURING STATEMENT. "THOSE WHO TRY TO MAKE THAT
RIDICULOUS ASSERTION ARE CLEARLY SNOWFLAKES GRASPING FOR
ANYTHING. AND THEIR ENTIRE EXISTENCE
WILL BE CRUSHED WHEN PRESIDENT TRUMP RETURNS
TO THE WHITE HOUSE." "FURTHERMORE, ANYONE WHO SAYS
I'M A CANNIBAL IS A LIAR, AND IF THEY SAY IT AGAIN,
I WILL EAT THEIR DELICIOUS FACE."
YOU'D LOOK PRETTY GOOD ON A BUN. NATURALLY, THE SPOKESMAN'S
INITIAL STATEMENT THERE WAS PERCEIVED AS A BIT EXTREME.
SO THE SPOKESMAN -- AND THIS IS REAL --
LATER CLARIFIE THAT INSTEAD OF CRUSHING THEIR
"ENTIRE EXISTENCE," HE MEANT TO SAY THEIR
"SAD, MISERABLE EXISTENCE." SO LESS OF A "WALK IT BACK"
AND MORE OF A "GOOSE STEP IT FORWARD."
HERE'S ANOTHER THING THAT FASCISTS ENJOY DOING.
THEY CLING TO POWER AFTER VOTERS REJECT THEM.
THAT'S WHAT TRUMP IS ON TRIAL FOR IN GEORGIA,
WHERE PROSECUTORS HAVE GOTTEN MULTIPLE TRUMP ASSOCIATES
TO PLEAD GUILTY, INCLUDING FORMER TRUMP ATTORNEY AND SCHOOL
PARENT EXPLAINING WHY "THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR"
IS HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA, JENNA ELLIS.
LAST NIGHT, VIDEO LEAKED OF ELLIS REVEALING TO PROSECUTORS
THAT, IN DECEMBER OF 2020, A TRUMP WHITE HOUSE AIDE TOLD
HER THAT EVEN THOUGH THE LAWYERS WERE TELLING TRUMP THAT
HE DEFINITELY LOST, QUOTE, "THE BOSS IS NOT GOING TO
LEAVE." THAT'S NOT GOOD.
THE ONLY TIME YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMEONE SAY "THE BOSS IS NOT
GOING TO LEAVE" IS AFTER THE THIRD ENCORE
OF A SPRINGSTEEN CONCERT RIGHT BEFORE THE OPENING NOTES
OF "THUNDER ROAD." HE'S A MACHINE!
BRUCE! THANKS TO JONATHAN KARL'S
NEW BOOK, KARL IS OUR GUEST ON THURSDAY.
WE'RE ALSO LEARNING MORE ABOUT TRUMP'S BELIEF
IN SOME OF THE WEIRDER QANON THEORIES
THAT HAVE PERCOLATED. FOR INSTANCE, BACK IN 2021,
THE Q FOLKS WERE ALL SAYING THAT TRUMP WOULD BE REINSTATED ON
AUGUST 13, 2021, AS PART OF THE SO-CALLED "STORM," WHEN TRUMP
WOULD EXPOSE THE CABAL OF SATAN-WORSHIPPING PEDOPHILE
ELITES AND DECLARE MARTIAL LAW, MEANING HE WOULD REMAIN IN POWER
AND CONDUCT MASS ARREST AND EXECUTIONS OF TOP DEMOCRATS
OR OTHER SUPPOSED MEMBERS OF THE CABAL.
OH, 2021. IT WAS A CRAZY TIME.
OF COURSE, SINCE THEN, MOST OF THE MORE INSANE BELIEVERS
IN THAT NONSENSE HAVE BEEN SENTENCED TO CONGRESS.
BUT IT TURNS OUT, IT WASN'T JUST YOUR AUNT ON FACEBOOK
WHO BOUGHT INTO Q. BECAUSE THAT SUMMER,
TRUMP WAS TELLING PEOPLE THAT HE EXPECTED HE WOULD GET REINSTATED
BY AUGUST. COME ON.
CULT LEADERS SHOULD NEVER GET HIGH ON THEIR OWN SUPPLY.
"MY MAGA FAITHFUL, PUT ON YOUR NIKES AND WATCH ME DRINK
ALL THIS DELICIOUS KOOL-AID. IT'S ALL MINE!
YUM, YUM, YUM, YUM! I'M THE KOOL-AID MAN,
OH, YEAAAH! I CAN'T FEEL MY FINGERS.
WHY AM I SO SLEEPY?" AND NOW, JONATHAN KARL HAS
RELEASED AUDIO FROM THE SUMMER OF 2021
SHOWING JUST HOW DEEPLY TRUMP BELIEVED THIS NONSENSE.
>> YOU DON'T REALLY THINK THERE'S A WAY YOU WOULD GET
REINSTATED BEFORE THE NEXT ELECTION?
TO YOU, JONATHAN, BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T, YOU WOULDN'T EITHER
UNDERSTAND IT OR WRITE IT. >> Stephen: I'M NOT GOING TO
EXPLAIN IT TO YOU, JONATHAN. I KNOW HOW IT WOULD WORK,
JONATHAN, BUT YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.
HOW ABOUT YOU TELL ME HOW YOU WOULD GET ME REINSTATED TO STOP
THE SATAN CABAL FRITO BANDITOS OR WHATEVER THESE
CHOCK FULL O' NUTSOS ARE YAMMERIN' TO ME ABOUT."
WHAT'S YOUR IDEA? TRUMP IMMIGRATION
NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT TRUMP'S NEW IMMIGRATION PLAN.
IT'S JUST LIKE THE OLD ONE BUT WITH MORE WORSER.
AND NO SURPRISE, IT HAS THE SAME AUTHOR, TRUMP ADVISER
AND MALE ELK ABOUT TO CHARGE A REFLECTIVE STORE WINDOW,
STEPHEN MILLER. MILLER'S NEW PLAN INCLUDES SOME
OF TRUMP'S GREATEST HITS, LIKE SWEEPING RAIDS
AND MASS DEPORTATIONS, ALONGSIDE FRESH HORRORS:
ROUNDING UP UNDOCUMENTED PEOPLE AND DETAINING THEM IN
GIANT CAMPS. TO MAKE THE GIANT INTERNMENT
CAMPS SOUND A LITTLE MORE FAMILY-FRIENDLY,
MILLER ASSURED REPORTERS THAT THE CAMPS WOULD LOOK
PROFESSIONAL. PROFESSIONAL?
PH-SHEW! IT MAY BE A GIANT STEP
ON THE ROAD TO TOTALITARIANISM. BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE:
NO CROCS. THIS IS ALL MADE A LOT HITLERIER
BY THE FAC THAT TRUMP'S FORMER CHIEF OF STAFF,
JOHN KELLY, CLAIMS TRUMP ONCE TOLD HIM, "HITLER DID A LOT
OF GOOD THINGS." OKAY.
I THINK WE HAVE ENOUGH DATA POINTS.
HAVE WE PROVEN THAT TRUMP IS A FASCIST?
TO FIND OUT, LET'S BRING OUT THE DONALD TRUMP DICTATO-METER.
HERE WE GO. TRUMP CALLS HIS OPPONENTS
VERMIN, SAYS HE WILL CRUSH THOSE WHO DISAGREE WITH HIM,
HOLDS ONTO POWER AT ALL COSTS, WOULD DECLARE MARTIAL LAW
TO STOP AN IMAGINARY EVIL CABAL, PLANS TO PUT PEOPLE IN CAMPS,
AND SAYS HITLER HAD SOME GOOD IDEAS.
JIM? [BELL DINGS] HE'S GONE, AND HE'S NEVER
COMING BACK. 'CAUSE OUR JOKES SOLVED
EVERYTHING. TODAY WAS AN EMBARRASSING DAY
DOWN IN CONGRESS, THANKS TO OKLAHOMA SENATOR AND GUY
YOU DON'T REMEMBER AT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION ASKING,
"IS YOUR LITTLE SISTER STILL HOT?"
MARKWAYNE MULLIN. THIS AFTERNOON, IN A SENATE
HEARING, MULLIN FACED OFF AGAINST A WITNESS,
TEAMSTERS PRESIDENT AND HALF EAGLE-HALF EGG,
SEAN O'BRIEN. THE TWO HAVE TUSSLED ON SOCIAL
MEDIA BEFORE, BUT IN A HEARING OSTENSIBLY ABOUT THE ECONOMY,
THEY NEARLY CAME TO BLOWS. I WANT TO WARN ANYONE
WITH YOUNG CHILDREN. WHAT WE'RE ABOUT TO SHOW YOU
IS EXTREMELY STUPID. JIM?
>> YOU TWEETED AT ME ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE TIMES.
AND LET ME READ WHAT THE LAST ONE SAID.
"QUIT THE TOUGH GUY ACT IN THESE SENATE HEARINGS,
YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME. ANY PLACE, ANY TIME, COWBOY."
SIR, THIS IS A TIME. THIS IS A PLACE.
YOU WANT TO RUN YOUR MOUTH? WE CAN BE TWO CONSENTING ADULTS.
WE CAN FINISH IT HERE. >> OKAY, THAT'S FINE.
PERFECT. >> YOU WANT TO DO IT NOW?
>> I'D LOVE TO DO IT RIGHT NOW. [LAUGHTER]
>> Stephen: ARE THEY ABOUT TO [BLEEP]?
HE SAID TWO CONSENTING ADULTS. THAT'S NOT A FIGHT STARTS.
RIGHT? IF THERE'S GONNA BE A FIGHT,
I'D LIKE TO WARN THAT SENATOR, YOU LOOK PRETTY BIG,
BUT HISTORICALLY, PEOPLE WHO TAKE ON THE TEAMSTERS END UP
WITH SEASON TICKETS TO GIANTS STADIUM
UNDERNEATH THE END ZONE. LUCKILY, BEFORE THINGS CAME TO
BLOWS, COOLER HEADS PREVAILED. AND FOR ONCE, THE COOLER HEAD
BELONGED TO BERNIE SANDERS. >> HOLD ON.
STOP IT. HOLD IT.
SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN. YOU'RE A UNITED STATES
SENATOR. >> ACT IT!
>> SIT DOWN, PLEASE. >> CAN I RESPOND?
>> HOLD IT! HOLD IT!
IF WE CAN'T -- NO, I HAVE THE MIC.
I'M SORRY, HOLD IT. YOU'LL HAVE YOUR TIME.
>> OKAY. >> CAN I RESPOND?
>> NO, YOU CAN'T. >> Stephen: "ZIP IT.
ZIP IT, BUNSON HONEYDEW! SIT DOWN OR I WILL COME OVER
THERE AND REDISTRIBUTE THE TOP 10% OF MY FIST
TO 99% OF YOUR FACE! I'LL SPLIT YOUR LIP
LIKE PEA SOUP! DON'T MAKE ME TAKE OFF
MY MITTENS!" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW
FOR YOU TONIGHT! MY GUEST IS RACHEL MADDOW.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"!
JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
