LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO
"THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. THE COUNTRY--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> THIS GREAT COUNTRY OF OURS IS
ABUZZ ABOUT THE TELEVISED JANUARY 6th HEARINGS. TODAY, THE COMMITTEE MEMBERS
TOOK A DAY OFF TO EXPLAIN DRUNK GIULIANI TO THEIR CHILDREN. "YOU SEE, KIDS, WHEN A MAN AND A
BOTTLE LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH, THEY EXCHANGE A SPECIAL
KISS." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BUT I'VE GOT SOME DIFFICULT NEWS FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO WERE
PLANNING TO TUNE IN TO THE HEARINGS TOMORROW MORNING FOR
THE LATEST CHAPTER, BECAUSE THE JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE HAS
POSTPONED WEDNESDAY'S HEARING. THEY PROMISED US HEARINGS! WE AN'T LET THEM GET AWAY WITH
THIS! I'M STORMING THE CAPITOL! WHO'S WITH ME?! <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
COME ON! I MAY HAVE MISSED THE SPIRIT OF
THIS WHOLE THING. THE REASON FOR THE DELAY IS,
EVIDENTLY, TECHNICAL ISSUES. AS CALIFORNIA REPRESENTATIVE
ZOE LOFGREN EXPLAINED: >> PUTTING TOGETHER THE VIDEO
AND EXHIBITS IS AN EXHAUSTING EXERCISE FOR OUR VERY
SMALL VIDEO STAFF. SO WE'RE TRYING TO-- WE WERE
GOING TO HAVE ONE, TWO, THREE IN ONE WEEK, AND IT IS JUST-- IT IS
TOO MUCH TO PUT IT ALL TOGETHER. >> Stephen: LET ME GET THIS
STRAIGHT. SO YOU HAVE TO POSTPONE SAVING
DEMOCRACY BECAUSE YOUR VIDEO STAFF IS OVERWHELMED? IT'S LIKE PAUL REVERE'S FAMOUS
CRY: "ERROR 404: HORSE NOT FOUND." <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> COME ON! <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
COME ON! COME ON, LOFGREN. YOU'RE POSTPONING BECAUSE
YOUR POOR WIDDLE VIDEO TEAM IS TIE-TIE? I'VE GOT A VIDEO TEAM HERE AT
"THE LATE SHOW," AND I RIDE THEM LIKE A BORROWED MULE AND PUT
THEM AWAY WET. THEY PUT TOGETHER CLIPS FIVE
NIGHTS A WEEK UNDER INHUMAN CONDITIONS-- BY WHICH I MEAN
WATCHING FOX NEWS. THESE FOLKS HAVE SEEN--<i>
( APPLAUSE ).</i> IT'S AWFUL! THESE FOLKS HAVE SEEN TUCKER
CARLSON'S FACE MORE THAN THEIR OWN CHILDREN! AND THEY CAN HANDLE ANYTHING I
THROW AT THEM. WATCH THIS:
VIDEO TEAM, CAN I GET SOME FOOTAGE OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT
REFUSING TO SAY HE'LL ACCEPT THE ELECTION RESULTS MONTHS BEFORE
THE VOTE? GO! >> CAN YOU GIVE A DIRECT ANSWER? YOU WILL ACCEPT THE ELECTION? >> I HAVE TO SEE. LOOK, YOU... I HAVE TO SEE! >> Stephen: NAILED IT. OKAY, HOW ABOUT SOME FOOTAGE OF
THE FORMER PRESIDENT LASHING OUT AT PERCEIVED ENEMIES? >> I DON'T LIKE MOSQUITOS! >> Stephen: YES! <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ).</i> GOOD JOB! NOW FOOTAGE OF MARK MEADOWS
TRYING TO SCRUB AWAY EVIDENCE OF HS INVOLVEMENT IN THE COUP! PERFECT! ♪ ♪ ♪
PERFECT! THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE! OF COURSE, I'M STILL DIGESTING
YESTERDAY'S BOMBSHELL THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT DEMANDED HIS
FOLLOWERS DONATE TO SOMETHING CALLED THE "OFFICIAL ELECTION
DEFENSE FUND," WHICH RAISED A QUARTER OF A BILLION DOLLARS. AND, SURPRISE-SURPRISE, THE
COMMITTEE DISCOVERED THAT THE WHOLE THING WAS A GRIFT. >> AS THE SELECT COMMITTEE HAS
DEMONSTRATED, THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN KNEW THESE CLAIMS OF VOTER FRAUD
WERE FALSE, YET THEY CONTINUED TO BARRAGE SMALL-DOLLAR DONORS
WITH EMAILS, ENCOURAGING THEM TO DONATE TO SOMETHING CALLED THE
"OFFICIAL ELECTION DEFENSE FUND." THE SELECT COMMITTEE DISCOVERED
THAT NO SUCH FUND EXISTED. >> Stephen: SO HE DUPED
$250 MILLION FROM HIS MOST PASSIONATE SUPPORTERS, AND THEN
WATCHED AS THEY ALL GO TO PRISON WHILE HE SAT IN MAR-A-LAGO
DOUBLE-FISTING COCONUT SHRIMP. AND THESE AREN'T WEALTHY PEOPLE. YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL WHEN THEY'RE
WEARING NOTHING BUT GIVEAWAY MERCH FROM THE LOSING TEAM. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> SO IF THERE WAS NO ELECTION
DEFENSE FUND-- <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
♪ ♪ ♪ COME ON! SO IF THERE WAS NO ELECTION
DEFENSE FUND, WHERE DID THE MONEY GO? WELL, ACCORDING TO THE
COMMITTEE, THERE WAS A $1 MILLION DONATION TO THE
PERSONAL FOUNDATION OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S CHIEF
OF STAFF, MARK MEADOWS. YES, THE MEADOWS FOUNDATION IS A
CHARITY THAT RAISES MONEY TO FUND RESEARCH INTO HOW MUCH
MONEY IT CAN RAISE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THEY ALSO SKIMMED OFF OVER $200,000 FOR THE FORMER
PRESIDENT'S HOTELS. AND THAT WAS JUST GIULIANI'S BAR
TAB. OF COURSE, THEY SPREAD CASH
AROUND TO THEIR FRIENDS AND FAM. FOR INSTANCE, DON JR.'S
FIANCEE, KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, WAS PAID $60,000 FOR HER TWO-MINUTE
JANUARY 6th SPEECH. BUT IT WAS WORTH IT. I'LL NEVER FORGET HER IMMORTAL
WORDS: YAAAHHG-HAAHHEET-AHAAAGHHH! <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> OF COURSE--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> BIG FANS. BIG GUILFOYLE FANS. OF COURSE, THE BIG QUESTION
LOOMING OVER ALL THESE HEARINGS IS, "SOMEONE'S GOING TO JAIL
FOR THIS, RIGHT? RIGHT, GUYS?"
SOMEBODY'S GOING TO JAIL? WE GOT A HINT LAST NIGHT FROM
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN AND MAN SEEING THE OTHER TABLE GET THEIR
GUAC, EVEN THOUGH HE ORDERED FIRST, BENNIE THOMPSON. REPRESENTATIVE THOMPSON TOLD
REPORTERS THAT THE PANEL WILL NOT MAKE ANY CRIMINAL REFERRAL
OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT OR ANYONE ELSE TO THE JUSTICE
DEPARTMENT. COUNTERPOINT: WHY NOT? THERE'S A REASON "LAW & ORDER"
DOESN'T START LIKE THIS: >> IN THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE
SYSTEM, THERE IS ONE BRANCH WHO INVESTIGATES THE CRIMES, AND
THAT'S IT. EVERYONE GOES FREE. DUN! DUN! >> Stephen: NOW ONLY--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> SURE. ONLY TIME WILL TELL IF THE
D.O.J. PROSECUTES ANYBODY, BUT THE COMMITTEE HAS ALREADY
ACCUSED RUDY GIULIANI OF FIRST DEGREE BOOZE SLURPIN', WITH
TENT TO CHUG-A-LUG. COMMITTEE MEMBER JAMIE RASKIN
WAS ASKED WHY THEY HIGHLIGHTED RUDY'S INTOXICATION. >> THE ALLEGATIONS IN THE
HEARING TODAY THAT RUDY GIULIANI WAS DRUNK ON ELECTION NIGHT, I
WANTED TO UNDERSTAND FROM YOU WHY YOU FELT IT WAS IMPORTANT TO
INCLUDE? >> I DON'T KNOW THAT IT WAS
IMPORTANT TO INCLUDE, BECAUSE I REALLY CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN, YOU KNOW, THOSE TWO CONDITIONS FOR HIM. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
>> Stephen: IT CAN BE VERY HARD TO TELL, BECAUSE SOMETIMES HE'S
DRUNK, AND SOMETIMES HE'S PRETENDING HE'S NOT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BUT THE FORENSICS TEAM AT "THE LATE SHOW LABS" HAS CREATED A
COMPUTER RENDERING OF WHAT RUDY GIULIANI WOULD LOOK LIKE IN THE
EVENT HE BRIEFLY BECAME SOBER <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> LOOKING GOOD. LOOKING GOOD, MR. MAYOR. ONE PERSON UNHAPPY ABOUT THE
ACCUSATIONS AGAINST RUDY WAS RUDY, WHO TODAY TWEETED:
"I REFUSED ALL ALCOHOL THAT EVENING. MY FAVORITE DRINK... DIET PEPSI." <i> ( AS RUDY )</i>
"I LOVE DIET PEPSI, ESPECIALLY A ROBUST, RED DIET PEPSI. OR, IN THE SUMMER, A DIET PEPSI
ROSE. I ALSO ENJOY BOXED DIET PEPSI. IT DOESN'T HAVE THE SAME NOTES
AS THE BOTTLED ONE, BUT AFTER ( SLURRING )<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> THANK YOU, THANK YOU. UNTIL THEY FACE CONSEQUENCES,
THE EX-PRESIDENT'S FAMILY IS STILL OUT THERE PEDDLING THEIR
WARES, INCLUDING ELDEST MAGA SON, DON JR., SEEN HERE
WONDERING, "HOW COME THE AIRPLANE DOESN'T HAVE TO FLAP?"<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> DON JR.'S LATEST BUSINESS
VENTURE IS AN HOMAGE TO HIS DAD. HE'S BEEN PROMOTING GOOD
RANCHERS, A MAGA-FRIENDLY MAIL-ORDER MEAT COMPANY. HE PUT HIS ENDORSEMENT ON
INTA GRAM... SORRY. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
NO, NO. WHAT IS INTA-GRAM? YOU PUT THAT UP ON THE
INTA-GRAM? YOU GOT THAT UP ON THE TITTER? THE INTA-GRAM? SOME DELICIOUS... <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
YOU KNOW INTA-GRAM? HE PUT HIS ENDORSEMENT ON
INSTAGRAM, THE TV OF YOUR PHONE: >> GUYS, IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD
ABOUT GOOD RANCHERS BEFORE, YOU NEED TO! THEY'RE ONE OF THE ONLY
COMPANIES OUT THERE DELIVERING 100% OF MORE THAN MEAT TO YOUR
DOOR 100% OF THE TIME. >> Stephen: 100% OF THE TIME,
THERE WILL BE MEAT AT YOUR DOOR. EVERY TIME YOU OPEN IT-- BOOM--
MORE MEAT. LIKE IT OR NOT, MEAT THERE! YOU HAVE TO WALK OVER THE MEAT
EVERY TIME. THAT SOUNDS LESS LIKE A TREAT
AND MORE LIKE A THREAT. <i> ( MOBSTER )</i>
"SNITCHES GET RIB TIPS. I'D HATE TO SEE YOUR WIFE
AND KIDS END UP WITH... INFINITE MEAT." DON ALSO GOT HIS FIANCEE TO PUSH
HIS MEAT. HERE'S LIBERTY--<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
THANK YOU. HERE'S LIBERTY LOVER, KIMBERLY
GUILFOYLE, IN HER OWN STEAK-SCHILLING VIDEO:
>> AND WHEN THE KIDS WANT GREAT STEAKS, THEY ONLY WANT TO EAT
GOOD RANCHERS, AND I DON'T BLAME THEM. FROM STEAKS AND POTATOES, YOU
CAN GO TO goodranchers.com. >> Stephen: HOLY CARBON MONOXIDE
POISONING! WHO GRILLS INSIDE THE HOUSE? <i> ( AS KIM, GETTING WOOZY )</i>
"THESE STEAKS ARE PERFECT FOR ANY OCCASION: FATHER'S DAY... GRADUATION... FATHER'S DAY... AND I JUST-- I
JUST WANT TO TAKE A NAP, DAD. THE BEST IS YET TO COME. NIGHTIE-NIGHT. WAGGA-WAGGA-WAGGA." NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING. YOU'RE SAYING, "STEVE, GIVEN
THIS FAMILY'S WHOLE DEAL, WHAT'S THE GRIFT HERE? IS IT GOPHER MEAT?"
MAYBE! BECAUSE AFTER NUMEROUS CUSTOMER
COMPLAINTS, GOOD RANCHERS' ACCREDITATION WITH THE
BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU WAS REVOKED, WITH ONE PURCHASER
SAYING, "STEAKS WERE DISCOLORED AND HAD SLUDGE ON THEM." WELL, LIKE FATHER, LIKE STEAK. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE BOB WOODWARD AND
CARL BERNSTEIN. WE'LL TALK WATERGATE, A BYGONE
ERA WHEN PRESIDENTS WERE CAPABLE OF SHAME. STICK AROUND. ♪ ♪ ♪<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i>
