Your Mom's House Podcast w/Chris Distefano - Ep.650

because i saw you grow up you were my job and in his mind yeah you know again this is i know it's a home run it's a diff no but i know it's like a different woke world now whatever and i'm not saying i'm like this but my dad's thing is he goes you played sports you got a hot wife and you're not gay for him that's a big way well welcome welcome to your mom's house [Music] in good morning jay dog how you feeling doing good tea dog he's so skinny i know he looks great you look great thank you yeah thank you appreciate it what have you not been eating um five pound lavas you've been yeah you know i've been laying off the wing stop that's got to be hard yeah it is well i mean i think i told this to you off mike but uh it started hurting the right side of my stomach whenever i ate it for like two or three days oh my god yeah and i was like i don't think food's supposed to do that to you it's definitely not it's definitely not so three days of pain everybody so i listen to my body i cut that out isn't that funny though how now you realize that you're like oh yeah mm-hmm that's not good for me yeah you know what i used to do wow when i was 26 and depressed because like i just didn't know what i was doing with my life i would eat an entire pint of haagen-dazs chocolate ice cream every night sure and then be in excruciating pain because of the gas it would get trapped under my ribs in the rib cage and then i do it every night and like i can't i can't sleep but that ice cream is good i would eat like that and [ __ ] you know whatever dessert and then bacon cheeseburgers waffle and i'd be like i don't know what's going on but i keep gaining weight i think it's my metabolism slowing down that can't be what i'm eating it's not it's like that um what year was it we were our brokest and we were eating traders that would be 2007. yeah yeah the year before we got married remember and we what were we making souffles chocolate soup what how much did we earn i'm like 100 yeah remember we had our taxes done that year and then he goes you did okay this year and he points to me and he goes you i don't know how you're alive yeah yeah that's how poor we were yeah and by the way okay for me how much were you making i mean it was probably like in the 40s or something yeah like it was it was like you know you can make a living yeah then he looked at you he goes i don't know how you're alive i think i think he made 12. yeah literally like a grand a month isn't good so struggling i know i know there's someone out there like hey that's what i make make more try harder you're poor guess what uh but remember okay so that this is why you're [ __ ] poor you're a [ __ ] bob um but remember uh okay so traders is tasty but it's not healthy yeah like the spanakopita i would make that every day yeah though hooked us up i mean he's alive yeah and i uh all respect to a trader's joke because you'd go there and you have your [ __ ] 28 dollars and you come back with a shopping cart and that some of that [ __ ] was real tasty man real taste the frozen stuff those frozen chicken breeze i would get those that was dinner that's so true i forgot about your burrites you love them i love those frozen chicken breeze and then uh because they had like a sauce in there it was really good yeah then they had the um like this little appetizer you know i forget what they are like a little so fatty it was like so fatty quiche the baby yeah oh forget about it the building manager and his wife came over like can i try that no they didn't even ask me like would you like that again just eight dollars ate the whole tray that was our last box of spanish coppado too i was really upset i tricked you one time do you remember this there was traders joe also had frozen chalky souffle yeah and there was one left yeah and you go i want that when i come home and i was like okay and so i purposely opened it ate it but you didn't know i had a i went and bought a second box so that when you came home you found an empty wrapper and you were like did you eat this and i was like yeah i don't give a [ __ ] i remember that yeah and you're like i asked you i was like don't care yeah what a flex but then i gave you the a new box wow you really forget oh you know what i used to love those italian square cookies it goes wafer chocolate wafer chocolate wafer i used to [ __ ] eat the whole bag came in like a navy like a midnight blue bag right italian yeah it was all talented god damn it everything made me so fat you know what's the the sneakiest they're trail mix the heavenly one yeah yeah with the the peanut butter chips and the chocolate chips it's like that's like 5 000 calories too though good for you all these memories are coming back right now because we're super hungover today so hungover we had snoozy last night with our friends uh shawn and aaron and then yeah i drank way more than i normally drink and you ripped so hard you were snoring so loudly that i just i didn't even try to stop it yeah i just surrendered to it and i was like oh he's [ __ ] wasted yeah and i just went downstairs and i slept on the couch and i was so happy i didn't even try to roll you over i was like i just let it go i woke up uh so thirsty like dying for water it's so horrible and like such a headache i have such a headache today it was worth it though it was really it was worth it but you know we drank like five different types of alcohol it's like sake wine wine uh gin yeah yeah yeah we were like the kids say you turned the [ __ ] up yeah uh you want to open this show correctly you ready yeah i knew we were wasted we were talking about world affairs at one point like what's what's nato i was like oh no oh yeah when we start talking about smart people stuff we're really [ __ ] up yeah it's no good that's true all right let's go okay here you go there you go heck i'm looking for a female video gamer xbox video gamer likes to listen to music all kinds of music except classical like mozart and bach no good specific likes to vacation likes fitness and it's a nurse oh so i'm looking for a nurse because i got a lot of medical [Laughter] that guy's issues best pretty cool welcome to your mom's house with tomorrow [Music] [Music] [Music] i'm uh i'm very excited because you know i i know some nurses and i i i got really excited when i saw this because i can be like i want to send them this clip and be like yeah if you're looking for a potential suitor yeah it's just because they took care of me and i'm like i've been thinking about you here you go there you go yeah what's really neat is like i think he should have led with the nurse thing first maybe lead with your health issues yeah and this kind of when he said i'm looking for a nurse i was like oh it's like a kink and he's like no you i have a lot of health problems and i kind of could tell that you can just by his general demeanor yeah he doesn't look healthy he's like i like you to be into fitness though yeah you got you got to be in the fitness me not so much what a demand yeah i need you to be a 10. i'm looking for a nurse because i got a lot of medical issues so hot that's what every woman is doing a nurse watch i can't wait to show the nurses like oh yeah this is oh this is well yeah you want to take care of people all day and then come home and take care of your spouse i'm a nurse you think he has a diaper what are his medical issues i like to vacation he's like good do you have any points on your amex yeah he doesn't vacation yeah likes to vacation he likes it specifically i don't want you to be into classical music yeah that's true i forgot about that no bach no beethoven around here that's that's an unusual one i've never heard somebody because to admit that you don't like classical is kind of admitting that you're dumb because classical music is often associated with being intelligent yeah so you're basically like i don't want no smart talking no no good stuff here all the dumb [ __ ] what about somebody with two front teeth does that mean or no that'd be cool because he has clearly decided not to include those today somebody who can match me with their lack of front teeth so unreal it's a bold choice always to not include the the ones in the front the fronts yeah the frog yeah the beaver teeth everybody sees them and you can get like flippers you know they call them flippers you're just a retainer you can get a perfect smile yeah they're advertising on instagram now the perfect smile yeah yeah do you hear what i'm saying yeah and there's he doesn't hear me are you listening yes so if i'll show you on instagram because the ads and i want to share them yeah that they're not shareable you can't share the ads yeah like i want to put them in my store look how nice that is it's the ads are so [Laughter] do amazing want to look like you have teeth and bleeding gums get the perfect smile the gums are so red yeah if you see somebody with those gums in a regular mouth you'd be like you need to go to an orthodontist immediately you need emergency surgery gingivitis yeah there's a lot of bacteria in there have you ever known anybody with bleedy red gums it's so awful it's it's not desirable it's so hard to talk to them i used to work with a guy with severely red gums i'm so surprised it has one out of five stars on walmart's review page there [Laughter] yeah i wore them on my date and they fell out and you cannot call these veneers perfect smile veneers no they're not they're not veneers they're just a plastic yeah it's a piece of tape yeah yeah it's like taking a photograph of someone with teeth and putting it in your mouth like i took a picture of someone's teeth they're 6.99 i mean it's so amazing for veneers yeah you got to be kidding me yeah and like by the way if your teeth are real jagged like that you can't fit the perfect smile over that because we've tried yeah like we've we've purchased the perfect smile twice now and it's actually really hard to keep them in and to fit like and you know what they tell you to do is to melt the glue there's glue right there's this there's a glue strip and they're like melt the glue and then shape it to your real teeth and i was like [ __ ] you i'm not gluing this to me and they give you i have veneers i'll rip them right off instructions they're like don't eat and don't talk too much with you don't chew gum you won't keep your mouth shut jesus man it's the perfect smile super perfect the perfect smile yeah yeah oh by the way before we um we're rolling what are we talking about like you somehow got on to you were banging and sure oh we were doing a cheer i was like b okay aggressive and then just spawned this cheerleader that i had a memory of yeah and like well who what [ __ ] is this cause i've never heard no i'm looking for girls for people was she your nurse too no no she was so small you know there's cheerleaders because they get thrown in the air so a lot of times the uh the high level ones you know that move along do like i guess it may be in high school too but in college especially they're tiny can you see them the guys like i got it no i understand why they're tiny i know yeah so you're saying that you banged a cheerleader that got thrown around a lot yeah i mean i don't know how many times she got drilled she was pretty skilled so i imagined it wasn't her first time yeah yeah she was nice nice lady okay it was many many moons ago but she was um but why is this all coming out now i feel like because we were doing a cheer and i remember the cheerleader i can't believe once the camera's rolling she would um like when someone leaves with that you're like okay you're going into the game i don't want to know anyway can i tell you what what i caught myself doing the other day yeah i um i bought a sweater and i looked at the label and it said made in tunisia and it made me angry really really yes i physically like i it was so irrational i was like [ __ ] tunisia [ __ ] that [ __ ] and i got mad tell them why they don't even know why he always reminisces about the one to hooker that he banged in tunisia who didn't use birth control so you were so super stoked you could just bust nuts inside of her she wasn't a hooker and she was all grimy no she was a hooker at meaning like right but i'm saying you don't it wasn't a pay no i know that she was like some [ __ ] dirty townie and she didn't wash her box and you really liked that she was nasty she was german german she was vis it was in tunisia but she was german she was a [ __ ] savage i mean she was wearing a leather bathing suit at the hotel that is so gross by the way she looked like not porous at all she looked like she was like in recovery you know like pierced and [ __ ] just gaunt i love that i wish i could look like that yeah god i want to look like i'm on drugs like that it looks so good i absolutely hammered this chick okay i think i dislocated some [ __ ] but here's the thing and be honest with me okay a leather bathing suit is not porous it look it was alarming to see like you see it you're like the [ __ ] are you wearing but listen so if it's not porous it doesn't breathe well on your body parts did her meow smell no a little gamey because it was encased in leather it did not know wow was it like that wasn't like that no it was worse no no it was teeny it wasn't a bikini it was a one-piece leather thing that had a thong and it had like gaps it looked like something you'd wear at a bondage club you know it wasn't didn't look like a bathing suit when she looked yeah she looked like she'd been drug along you know like someone had tied her and like strung her up and was like come here and like just yanked her over there she had real problems yeah [Laughter] it's so disappointing i know i was like ugh i was grossed out too yeah i was i was [ __ ] tunisia i hate that whole country i did i said i unconsciously i was like [ __ ] she had runaway vibes yeah i got it okay she's a pig she's derelict i have a photo of her i have a photo of her i do where you keep it framed in your office yeah it's the big one you don't you never know i want to see her oh i find the picture what color hair does she have i don't remember gray green something i don't know something i don't remember her hair you don't remember what color hair she had dirty blonde you know it wasn't dyed or dreaded i mean pubes are on them oh my god [Laughter] she had armpit hair because she's german she was gnarly she was like a gnarly like punk chick yeah yeah did that turn you off the armpit hair did you even very much i can't tell if you're being sarcastic i'm not being sarcastic it really did turn you off it absolutely did i don't like that i don't like that personally i know this is offending some people i don't like it looks terrible it does look like [ __ ] and you know there's girls who are like well then you're not for me agreed yeah yeah i think it's gross too i don't like how it looks i mean beyond vile is how i would describe it look how much yeah i mean look we're used to seeing it not there how proud she is i hate that they're proud of it that's what makes me even angrier puke on you if i was laying down next to you no yeah but i feel like the chicks that have it feel the need to show it off like well you could tell pictures like that look what i did and my legs too yeah cool [Laughter] have fun camping this weekend yeah so gross so [ __ ] gross absolutely and i still hate fat models i don't care what anybody says all of us everybody hates can we stop pretending like we enjoy it look i need to lose 40 pounds and guess what i hate sad models i hate them i want to see dudes that are yolked and ripped with six packs and i want to see chicks that have perfect body seams [ __ ] that's what you get you get what you get in this world i know and the perfect bodies are models and [ __ ] fatties are not you fat [ __ ] um i tell you and i was buying like yoga pants and stuff on this website and there are [ __ ] chunkers on there now like in the regular people's department i'm like no that's the new thing they're doing i've noticed this if you go online shopping you go oh great a model a normal model and then they're like also here's a little pig for you yeah so you can a chunk of saurus yeah you can see your fat body you can see a regular like a desirable body and then here's a fatty for you to look at too and everybody in the comments or they're such [ __ ] liar faces like someone sent me a post yesterday it was like skinny jeans and then it was like a real fat lady in skinny jeans and it looked terrible of course it was all rolls and bad and it was like this is great this is what we need to see regular bodies this is what this is what somebody's body looks like i'm like somebody but i'm a model the only advantage i see to having a fatty wearing it is like if you look at it and it's on like a really good looking person a good like a perfect body and you go oh sorry go say walk me through this again if it's okay if they're fat if here's my only logic to accepting it like let's say i'm looking at a men's clothing site okay and they have a model like a good-looking guy yeah with a perfect body and you're like oh yeah like the only advantage i see to having a big old fat boy next to it yeah is the realization like oh that's how it's going to look on me i know what you're saying i mean it's like that oh it's not going to look like me like right like the model guy it's like that name of that guy you know because you know that as a regular like if you're a thinking person you know that like oh the model wearing that that's how that's going to look on her and then you calibrate your brain goes sometimes it goes it'll oh that'll that's what i'll look like that's what your brain does the wish and that's how advertising works right i'll look like this right and then you get it and you're like i don't look like this but you know that like in your i walk around sometimes wearing clothes that don't fit but i'll be like in my head i'm still the model do you know what i'm saying like i it doesn't matter whether or not i do look like her in my mind i'm happy yeah because i'm i'm i've lived up to this aspirational thing so many times i [ __ ] get a shirt or clothes whatever and you're like man and then sometimes you catch yourself in the mirror and you're like the [ __ ] i look like [ __ ] i should not have bought this no yeah i look like a sack of potatoes in this [ __ ] thing god damn it yeah yeah it happens man but that's life you don't want to know reality nobody wants reality all the time all you need is hope yeah the idea the idea that you can do better it's true that's what compels you to keep going and trying and doing better with everything yeah i mean you have hope as a as an artist performer comment yes yeah this is what i'm saying so if this is the get the [ __ ] out of here but but hold on you're looking at plus size nowadays they don't even call them like oh right they just do it in like like on the runway or or on regular stuff you see fats in like this is not normal she looks terrible no no she's okay they dressed her nice but yeah i don't want to see fat rolls this is not cute i mean is that that's how i look in a [ __ ] baby the top row in the middle is that supposed to really be the top row all the way up in the middle yeah that's a model yes i'm telling you really if you go on like the adidas website too or like aloe or like any normal site like to buy regular things i mean by the way if i met that person and they're like i'm a model i'd go okay all right sure like go to women's clothing yeah they just throw it in there and they throw it in there now like you're or go to like leggings you'll [ __ ] die okay appropriate appropriate appropriate so far well there's pregnancy that's normal but also like look at chunkaroni's here she's pregnant and fit look at look at chunky on the left oh yeah on the far left there oh and they just throw that in like that's not what i want to see that's why i'm buying those things so that i don't look fat like that same on the far right i don't want to look like that that's why i'm here shopping do they do it for men too go to the men's let's see if they have a big boy and by the way no lean fit oh they don't do it for men oh that's interesting yeah because you know why that's interesting you know why why because men are more disciplined and and realistic for sure because a woman goes but uh but this is my body and then everybody that's okay and then men go oh you know i'm fat and the guys go you know what why don't you stop eating [ __ ] work out or women are weak or or the no or that society is harsher on men yeah sure than women i would say that men aren't allowed to be fatsos women because but it's because other guys are like oh [ __ ] grow up get your ass to the gym i wish that we could go back stop eating [ __ ] food all day here's that boy we used to be like that for women get skinny take a pill in the good old days i know i agree when they wait you to be a flight attendant i know and they're like you're 125. get the [ __ ] out of here yeah fatso [ __ ] hog yeah yeah yeah you can't you can't be a flight attendant they don't weigh them anymore i know [ __ ] i know i know so sometimes they turn to go down the aisle and you're like jesus christ and here's the thing people are gonna be like gosh how do you guys judge you're not super skinny of course but here's the thing we didn't choose professions that require us to be super skinny i'm not a flight attendant yeah and i'm not a model yeah neither am i i'm never gonna be the flaws are better when you're in comedy so true yeah yeah the older ugly fattier uglier fatter you are i just stammered because i'm so hungover i know no there's no if you're a supermodel good looks it's going to be rough for you to do comedy actually it's harder we're in the business where your flaws benefit yeah for sure yeah that's true i could go on but i won't i'm gonna take a piss though because i drank so much water because i was so dehydrated okay do you have to go pee pee too not yet okay give me a second okay okay i love you [Music] this episode is brought to you by simply safe what do u.s news pc magazine and popular science have in common they all rank simply save home security as the best home security of 2021 in fact u.s news just named simply safe the best home security of 2022 as well i know that our very own chris has a simply safe we have it at the studio he absolutely loves it i know the staff here loves it big fans of simply safe simply safe protects your whole home around the clock every door window and room it's backed by the best 24 7 professional monitoring in the business ready to dispatch police firefighters or emt to your home with a comprehensive set of sensors and cameras including the all-new wireless outdoor security camera you always know what's going on inside and outside your home you can customize the perfect system for your home in just a few minutes at your simplisafe.com go today and claim a free indoor security camera plus twenty percent off with interactive monitoring go to simply safe dot com slash your mom when you push your body too hard or just feel run down it's extremely important to stay hydrated making hydration a priority helps us feel better on a day to day basis listen we are a liquid iv home i love it you just put one stick of liquid iv in 16 ounces of water and they taste fantastic i love the strawberry flavor and it hydrates faster and more efficiently than water alone it contains five essential vitamins b3 b5 b6 b12 and vitamin c with three times the electrolytes of traditional sports drinks and it's made with premium non-gmo ingredients and free from gluten dairy and soy you can get it in flavors like watermelon lemon lime strawberry pina colada and more oh am i on vacation liquid iv is on a mission to change the world and they've donated over 19 million servings globally grab liquid iv in bulk nationwide at costco or you can get 25 off when you go to liquidity.com and use code ymh checkout that's 25 off anything you order when you use promo code ymh liquidive.com experience better hydration today at liquidity.com promo code ymh you have a good pee i did i pushed real hard so i had a thought too i was making pit uh pushy um i think this is only an american thing too we're like yeah you're fat like we're celebrating oh europeans have disdain for it so do south americans they're my favorites yeah i mean my entire family in south america is like you are fat yeah and they just like they look at you and they're just like there's no need to be this fat yeah europeans don't tolerate yeah so i buy go and run be less fat of course how do you look like [ __ ] people tell you to your face like you look terrible it's great this really is the way to be it is so i buy um in american brands are you listening to me yes when i buy american clothing i'm like a size six or an eight right usually six six eight and then um when i buy a european i'm like morbidly obese like it's depressing i don't fit into the equivalent so their sizing is is actually like a size six in italy is way tinier same same for for me for men's clothing oh it's so depressing now i mean basically how can i hate it if it's italian made or european clothing they're just like yeah that's exactly how i feel when i put it on they're like this is not for you you're too fat yeah i mean i can't i mean i've you know lost a bunch of weight since like the most i've weighed still can't find it i know it's like so depressing because i want to wear these clothes and i can't fit into them or my favorite sometimes i've gone into stores to try on they're like uh [Laughter] i'll see i think we have something in the back and then they they come out and they're like yeah maybe online nothing in the store it's maybe online you [ __ ] pig i'm like nothing they're like no i'm not here yeah i'm like jesus i'm like [ __ ] 225 and they're like it's not for you that's how it is in like fancier upper end stores yeah like we don't carry a size it's not made chanel doesn't make any yeah um i respect it i do too because they're like we don't want you wearing it if you're not a certain size i think that's why they do it no yeah to keep the clothes probably looking better i don't know you gotta look cool man you gotta look sharp you to see another cool thing that happened i do so check this out the name of the song the video is um the machine uh by brett kreischer i mean it's like literally wow i mean you can't even make this up this guy is just he cannot see it he can't say it no people can't say it they just can't it's not that hard uh kershaw or kerchix whatever whatever so disrespectful yeah brett creationer is brent kreishner [Music] what's so mean do you know by the way by the way in my upcoming special which i'm not allowed to announce the date but it's going to come out soon-ish yeah i fully fat shame bert by name in the special yes like i have a [ __ ] like uh literally just i fat shame him i say his full name netflix has not flagged it they are letting it happen what do you say can you say what you said or no i'd prefer it to be a surprise there's a lot of easter eggs in the special for for mommies and i want them to to find the easter eggs there's a lot of things i say that are like throwaways that are just for ymh people but i blatantly fat shame him and they don't seem to mind good isn't that great it's great yeah yeah that's [ __ ] amazing [Laughter] people love to shame him yeah they do also he's not doing himself any favors no and that's a good thing is that you're never fatter than bert i mean it always makes you feel better to fetch chamber he is going up in weight i know he looks terrible yeah and and and his face is bigger every time i see him so if i thought i was a chinese guy the other day joey is that what he said someone's thought that was a chinese yeah it's fantastic i missed joey diaz so check this out little man here this uh this guy uh imagine that you're on your phone yeah facebook i think and you open and you just see uh facebook so you can hear the girl yeah it's coming from a guy hey hey babe couple days later b sure then there's a video there guess what we have it oh you like to see it [ __ ] yeah i do it's gonna be so good unsolicited listen baby you have the prettiest [ __ ] mouth and eyes i've ever seen like unbelievable super [ __ ] sexy oh no [ __ ] off anyways hit me back i want to talk to you before you go to bed be what was that about the guitar like guess who plays guitar yeah he's like i got something for you an acoustic guitar a good nightmare you say be a good girlfriend big bug be a good girl and like by the way this is so unspecific this could be this this is back i want to talk to you before you go to bed be a good girl for me okay be a good girl for me good good girl for me okay so he's shocked and he knows this move is this what you do is this the video you're sending you're just shotguning this out not unsolicited no maybe if we've uh talked a little bit that's so different though the way that is so never unsolicited unsolicited move of being like your mouth and lips like that is way different than like i've been talking to you and i like your mouth it's so cool though this guy's the coolest yeah and then he [ __ ] was like it's almost like he went he's like oh god you're so sexy then he went like be a good girl for me okay i'm gonna talk to you before you go to bed wait but the guitar flex too was like and he was like look at it like what was that about i'm just working on music right now oh god yeah that's what that was he's letting the equivalent of like picking up weights just lifting right now you know holy [ __ ] i mean the really amazing thing is there there is there are a number of women who would respond to this that's what i'm fascinated by the broken ones yeah the reason we have this is because a normal person got it but the broken one would be like hmm i think the coolest thing i want to be a good girl he's like hey yeah hey baby hey hey no response no response no four no responses and then he sends that video i'm sure i'm working on notes right now what have we always said that the video is not the way to go sending a video it's never the waiting i mean it's just your track record because then you end up on your mom's house i have a feeling too a distinct feeling that unlike charles and elliot this man will not be like ah my bad i don't know what i was thinking right yeah because charles and elliot are good guys who just made a faux pas yes they're self-aware yeah they were just like oh god this guy is not hell no no and this is much shorter than their videos and 100 000 times creepier like well i think it's way worse i think the whole thing of like hey hey babe hey babe babe and no response there's no banter there's nothing it's like saying are you are you hungry no thanks i'm full no thanks i'm full launching this into the sky yeah like just put this out there this is so many other girls dance this is like every girl well it works from sometimes i have to give them i will tell you this works for this guy sometimes is there more no this is it so far guys women out there i hope he [ __ ] sends another one please send this in if this guy's been courting you oh can we watch it again i want to feel gross inside the sexiest mouth listen baby you have the prettiest [ __ ] mouth and eyes i've ever seen unbelievable like super [ __ ] sexy [Music] what's up with the guitar dude anyways give me back i want to talk to you before you go to bed be a good girl for me okay hit me back he's demanding you know he's he's pulling the daddy dom prove it it's his prove it yeah but i don't think it's gonna work for him okay any why won't this work i mean he should have got the you know the message that she didn't respond so there's no reason to try and you know force your way in it's like there's nobody didn't make it man there's no report yeah yeah there's there's no room for you to do that yeah like you said like there's a girl that it would work on but if it would she's gonna respond to you the first time you don't have to go that far so yeah and if you're gonna start saying it's so embarrassing your eyes and your mouth it's good to have some somebody in mind well some rapport going hi hey you look good you know and then after something's established you drop you have the prettiest eyes and sexiest mouth gosh it's so funny because um and then you show your guitar i was pre video like a boys recording me yeah and you just knew it was just like a bull like hey girl oh damn you know you got a body that won't quit like stuff like that and you're like it's you're not talking to me you're just talking to everybody like you know what you're doing you know that wasn't meant for me my uh my college roommate he's great he would be like i love him i went into the bar and he would be like he'd look at a girl i love it we would stand by and be like look at this [ __ ] it's sweet and then he'd go down there and i'd stand next to him he's like how you doing i'm just i'm doing way better now than i'm standing next to you damn and then myself and my other roommates and each other we're like that's happening yeah and he'd be like yeah i'm doing everything's better now because you're involved in my life and we're like no then you'd say some other wild [ __ ] yeah and then they would go off together and they're like what the [ __ ] that worked and he'd be like but that guy i know you're talking about yeah is extremely sweet he is a sweet guy and gentle and actually very endearing and has warmth and depth behind his eyes that guy yeah there's no warmth or depth or like like yeah it's just you're anybody you know any whole just anybody in the in the world any girl lady parts yeah wow that is so cool thank you for sharing i love these i'm i'm always mystified by this guy yeah like wow you don't even care dog like you're just how it goes man [ __ ] i'm sorry i didn't salute you sir are they just they're just not self-aware right are they psychological this guy might be psychotic yeah because your friend that you're talking about is not psychotic he's just he just i think he really loves girls he just loves women he's sweet yeah this is like yeah [ __ ] dude um here you want i like this kind of [ __ ] too uh kevin samuels oh my god i love kevin samuel that's so funny you are an eight you're on one to ten you can't use seven what would you like your looks first face out of the shower your natural hair a ten your face yes look at his face that's yeah i'm always gonna give myself a all 10. so uh there we go right there people that's all you think you see all the hearts people losing see uh you can you can cap all you want to but you're not you're not an international superman you're not an international and i'm just trying to ask you see up until this point i feel like you've been pretty reasonable but now if you want to do that i think we should probably end it because i don't i don't play those games he always does this [ __ ] to people i love it i'm doing something for a good reason and i'm trying to be helpful man man you and rihanna walk into the room don't nobody confuse you you're not in 10 but but that's the point when you shout to 10 you're not a 10. okay okay but it it is like he's right though we all could like listen to someone like that here's why he's really like you need someone like that yeah here's where he's right he's helping people who have delusion you know what i'm saying like you you if you think of yourself a certain way and you're like i deserve to have the guy that's like fit the nurse guy it's this is back to like the opening clip it all comes together like if you don't know where your value is and your your expectation is here because a lot of times what he does is he consults with women yeah who are single and he goes in what you desire i think he calls them high value men yes so a man who's a professional who is making like x not like several hundred thousand dollars a year or more so he's like productive because that high value man his value is that he makes that living yes and therefore he has options yeah and then he's like if you are desiring a man like that what do you bring so he breaks it down yeah you know and it's very logical you know it's probably like is a little bit not involved with love when some of these breakdowns right but it's it is very realistic right you know um well i mean how many millionaires do you see with like schlubby yeah i mean if a guy is like you know dopey if a guy is is doing really really well you know he wants he can want to rihanna well you can you have your options that's kind of the first point so yeah and she's yeah she rates herself rihanna is beautiful though but but she's pregnant but on a scale from one to ten you can't use seven what do you reckon your face okay i'll give it eight i'll give it eight you put yourself up there with beyonce beyonce is an eight kelly rowland's a nine rihanna's a ten hell sweetie is an adjustable six wait he put beyonce at an eight i would disagree well he's got his own scale i don't know i think beyonce is a 10 now he keeps going home but rihanna is gorgeous when was the last time you had a guy with suicide doors rolling up trying to marry you none okay where's the last time your ex your child's father what are you doing for living he worked for metro the maintenance supervisor maintenance supervisor so he's a middle-class worker right man due respect to a woman who's 8 9 or 10 they don't get middle class maintenance supervisors i mean look it's it's harsh but it's he's being realistic beautiful people ma'am ma'am we're talking about you okay you've been you your entire life yeah you call yourself an eight yes no no no no you're beneath that number you're not above that enough oh wait so what is she because i think she's actually really pretty she actually has a very pretty face yeah i don't think she's yeah and she she has a sweetness to her like a sweet very lucid yeah i mean look the the scale stuff is is obviously super subjective to a point right there are certain objective truths when you're looking at beauty yeah but yeah i mean i think she's fine to call herself um six seven seven would be confident we have to see the whole package what are you saying let's see that we have to see our body and stuff too if we're talking face face yeah i mean let me go back to it i'm looking at that i mean yeah she could use some should do some work oh it's kind of work yeah i don't know i'm thinking like jesus four and a half oh my god like a five maybe okay five of [ __ ] oh my god but she's got a pretty good eyes pretty mouth she's pretty okay i mean you know yeah no she's for someone don't don't get me wrong she is precious yeah everybody's got someone but you know like if we're speaking universally come on man yeah you know you know yeah that that was delusional and that's also you know what that is though too when you know you're not this is a thing that's like universal if you when you know you're not that's the delusion you you also go like i'm not going to put my it's part of that is like don't put yourself down yeah right you go like i know i'm not a 10 but i'm not gonna say i'm a [ __ ] four because that sounds like i'm putting myself down sure sure so you go all right all right i'm an eight you know but you're you're she opened at ten which was the mistake she did she shouldn't have started at ten well the best one his reaction when she said ten he's just like but you know because what i do like about him is what we always said on those dating shows it's always the women that are like i just can't find anybody because my standards are too high it's like no you're delusional you think that you're so amazing that nobody can live up to you yeah so that's kind of like the service he does i hate rating people on a numbers guy that's so gross because i do think she's very pretty but i think he's using it more as a uh a like a jump off point hey let's have this conversation so to engage in the conversation yeah where do you rank yourself and like and see what ends up happening is like if your value is not there he's like you got to find other values so in other words if you're a five and you have i know where this is going no and you have three kids yeah so you know and so he's like like that's not he's like so he's like your looks are not the most desirable your bag's not most desirable do you have a job do you do you make a good living because that raises your values so he's just like very like real like logical about this stuff and then you know some people can't handle it but the truth is that even though some of this stuff isn't nice to hear there is a lot of truth to it of course well yeah if you're a successful excuse me person woman you don't want a guy that doesn't have a job of course he doesn't have a act together you're supporting him and he wants someone you're equal if somebody some man who's an executive you know lawyer or whatever and he's making several hundred thousand dollars you know he has his he has options yeah yeah yeah i could watch kevin saying so can i do this [ __ ] why doesn't he have a netflix show i want to watch this [ __ ] all that's probably going to come that's probably going to come because like his god he's good his um his online stuff like his tick tocks and instagram he does like these long ones he does like hour long consults where he talks to people so what what is his official title i i'm not sure is he like a dating consultant or i mean it seems like it i don't know if he goes goes by that he's like the male patty stanger you know remember that the millionaire matchmaker like i would love to see a show where he helps women find love which is great um he used to go by images consultants yeah god can watch this all day yeah me too man that's so funny go follow him he's on uh he's on instagram tick tock i'm pretty sure he has a youtube page too and he does he man he's just so real with people immediately i don't have time for this [ __ ] okay i don't have time for you big old sassy ass broads [Laughter] all right uh let's take a quick break and we'll be back with our guest okay we are back with staten island's own returning to the show mr christie d hey babe how you doing hey thanks for having me i love austin yeah this is nice man thanks for coming man well i mean it's beautiful the whole set is beautiful um i think uh um what you guys are doing here is nice i um i think that uh texas was the right move for you guys personally i do because you guys and you're the only people i've seen i'm saying as i walked in everyone's got skinnier and hotter in texas isn't that wild which usually it's the reverse usually become a fat [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] yeah but but now you guys went opposite yeah you were gross in l.a look at how [ __ ] hot nadav is yeah he looks amazing are you on grinder in texas too i tried to be yeah yeah dude yeah you'd be isn't grinder the gay one crying yeah yeah isn't it oh that was gay no truthfully are you gay i'm not what yeah right no i'm jewish ah that's what it is that okay that's i should have put my mask on then [ __ ] yeah but we uh everybody's had their glow up that's what the kids say i mean truthfully like when you come in like i walked around the hall you eyed me so hard you gave me one of these you're like you went up and down first thing i noticed i said this guy's got some coin now he's got his ankles out yeah i noticed tom had his ankles out which last year he was killing it but not ankles out killing but when the kid starts coming out with pants that come to his ankles and he wants you to know that's money right there that's money yeah yeah and i like that i like that and i'm telling you man it's it's a very you don't see that much people get hotter when they move to texas and you guys it's a sex machine in here now it is the vibe is sexual now yes it's it's and it's it's positive and uh you know what i mean and and i'm vibing off it and you look beefy you look like so i appreciate that yeah well yeah i'm swollen i'm a little swollen i do i thought i got full disclosure yeah can i just be honest with you guys yeah i got some body aches today and i didn't want to take a cover test because this is a big opportunity for me so i but i don't feel 100 yeah so i'm a little beefy because i called in i got my boy dr luke who's my daughter's uh godfather yeah back in brooklyn shout out methodist hospital um he sent me in a prescription for steroids he was like look i got to be honest with you buddy it sounds covey yeah but but the steroid pack's going to make you feel 100 i said i got to get on your mom's house because i got a special difference so so but i just hope that you guys are you know got antibodies or whatever yeah we do we do okay that's the thing about me too you know since the beginning i haven't really cared like i was in the room with it so many times i just i didn't care it doesn't scare me bro i've had it a couple times we've had it twice everybody you know i never got it yet no except for potentially taking it out no i swear to god i never got it once as a man this is the state to get it in so yeah yeah i know it's great well and i lost my sense of taste really still and smell we were talking about it during lunch and it's great because i eat far less now so you still can't taste or smell anything no no a little bit but it definitely affects that interesting but i'm like i had 44 good years of tasting and yeah just don't do that anymore and that's okay how much more do you yeah like what else do you want to taste yeah i tasted it all right at this point don't care you know tom's balls like you know they're the same they're tasty they're so wonderful well you know what i got to be honest with you you could tell first of all everybody smells good in here yeah it's a it's a good scent in here i don't know what it is it's just it's a beautiful it's like a beautiful scent and i and i will say tom that i do think you probably your balls do smell good thank you yeah yeah no they feel i mean like i try to keep them pretty i mean i you know i shower regularly do you yeah and like today um like the day this is being recorded uh the the third leg of my tour launched and when you see those pre-sales you just you know i mean you're both promo code tommy yeah i bought a ticket just because i don't give a [ __ ] yeah they drop a little bit you're like this is nice yeah no dude that's nice i know it's nice to have legs if it's before before we forget yes because i really want to i'm i've always been a big fan and i met you i thought you were so [ __ ] funny and then we had you do a live show yes and i've watched you just go up up up up up which i'm super happy with you guys aren't a big reason for that so i appreciate it so so funny and now you have a special coming out that you're so hot we don't even know where it's going to land you ready for this we're about to tell you guys so i was confident i said i filmed a special at the gramercy theater march 5th i had a show in cleveland that was selling absolutely no tickets i said [ __ ] it cancel cleveland yeah i'm shooting the special in new york city march 5th which i did came out great by my guy the homeless pimp we filmed it edit it look great i said i'm putting this on youtube because i said my career only really began when i put the power of my career in the hands of my fans started going with my peers and comics i look up to go on their shows and just fans fans fans no corporate and then all of a sudden ticket sales go up my whole life changes so i said that's what i'm doing i'm putting it on youtube and i said to my agent i said i'm putting this on youtube he goes fine send it to me he goes this looks pretty good can i just send to the people on netflix i said do whatever you have to do but it's going on youtube because i was thinking there's no way netflix is going to everybody said had said no hbo said no showtime said no everybody was saying no no i'm like they're gonna say no i'm not a transgender eskimo they're not gonna give me a shot that's what i said in an email so i have that documented which i will be sued for later on in life so so i said which is the name of the special by the way transgender eskimo um so i said i said i'm putting it on youtube that's final april 6 youtube and then i called nadav i said i want to get on sagura when does this episode come out he said april 6 i was like wow it's meant to be april 6 is what's coming out the newest development i'm talking about as of last night i had already landed in austin yeah my agent goes is there any chance you could push sugar back i said absolutely [ __ ] it not i'm already in austin with an earache and body eggs i'm already in texas with full coving ready to go i'm i'm willing to kill tom yeah so i can get my patreon numbers up so i said i said uh what's going on he goes netflix loves this thing they love it and they want to just give you like they want to put it on netflix there's a whole thing you have to wait for you like they have to go through a finance department there's a whole thing the name different but they said the product is untouched they said the exact edit as you put it they want to put on netflix right like in two three weeks like at the end of april they want to put it on by and i said well the whole thing is i want to put it on youtube because of the power of my fans you know giving the power of my career to my fans that's youtube and he was like well let me talk to netflix maybe there's a way that we can have some of it air on youtube and some of it air on netflix i said if you guys can do that for me then maybe i'll do it because then it becomes that the because what because what i've been saying on my podcast is let's get this special out on youtube you know we all been working on this the podcast and small it's getting bigger and bigger and bigger let's make this special so big on youtube share with your friends that maybe we get netflix's attention and that was always the plan so it seems like in some way maybe that that happened for real because it happened because we filmed it and my fans i i didn't do like a free show or anything like that i was like i bought tickets like make this a real thing and that's what happened i was like even if it doesn't sell out we wound up selling out like three shows so i was like let's do it and it was a great show and i said if that's what if that's how this is organically going to happen then yeah i would give it to netflix but they have to let me keep the youtube component so that's the process we're in right now so i don't know when it's coming out but that's a great problem to have yeah this is a good place just like and subscribe to youtube.com says christy comedy because something's coming out on youtube there you go i don't care because you know what else i did because i don't i got i filmed another special at new york comedy club that uh uh um that is different kind of different material so i may just [ __ ] put that [ __ ] out on youtube and give the other one to netflix you can't stop me you [ __ ] corporate pigs good for you yes well i'm happy for you thank you it's well deserved it's well earned you have been super funny and super consistently funny and i see i like a lot of people i watch your clips all the time your highlights yeah on instagram so [ __ ] funny i love watching you and tt oh my god you and sal yes it's and you have like i mean it's always great man tt jerry want to shout out tt jerry um real quick if you don't know on my podcast the chrissy chaos podcast it's my uh transgender puerto rican nanny of my children this is a real person um we're not trying to check boxes here um this isn't [ __ ] euphoria i i live adult euphoria so so i i tt jerry is she is my girlfriend's actual godfather uh it's it's her actual blood uncle her mother's brother who did a bunch of time in prison got out uh two years ago and has now taken my life by storm she's i mean i love her i would give anything she's become a huge member of my family uh off the show she's my children's nanny she picks them up from school she's uh you know uh is in our life every uh every day um she's coming i have a show in las vegas um and she's coming she her first day off uh of parole is tomorrow and then she will be coming with us to las vegas we're gonna throw a big party you gotta throw a [ __ ] you gotta huge party here's the thing been to prison getting off parole let's not have tt do something real reckless well that's what i said to tt i said i said you you know if we go to vegas like you can't do something illegal and then you go back to jail and she said she told me she said the only way i'd ever go back she said i'm not scared of prison at all it's very interesting to talk to someone who has zero fear of prison because she's been to it she goes the only way that i would kill that i would ever go back to prison if someone hurt you jasmine or the kids i would have no problem murdering them and going back to prison i would walk myself back to jail for you guys but other than that i'm going to be completely clean yeah but she did tell me that she stole a pair of sneakers from a from a nike store last week but it was an accident so we went back to the nike store and we made it all but it was a little dicey i said you have to be very calm with what i'm about to tell you sir this woman accidentally walked out with a pair of sneakers she's on parole if you make a big deal you want to call the cops or whatever you're going to like hurt our life thank god because of the power of the podcast this guy knew who i was and who she was thanks it's fine but we did know that we we didn't we kind of were like did somebody just walk out with shoes and then she didn't and it's fine and it's all everything it's great oh it's all resolved so it's all good good we did it that's amazing yeah yeah stay straight stay straight yeah and shout out i want to shout her out um uh she got the vaccine um she's the only one telling tom affair she has had very open about it as a hiv for 30 years she got the vaccine now she uh has no hiv undetectable so the uh a lot of people saying the vaccine is giving them aids yeah uh vaccine cure tt's eight so shout out dr fauci you cured aids way to go yes fauci cured eights all right at least titsy's aids ttz may get it again in vegas but whatever wow this is a i mean this is probably a big day for fauci he's got all this a lot of bad press people hate him but we're actually celebrating him i'm celebrating dr fauci i've always listened i first of all dr fauci brooklyn kid he looked like everybody's grandmother in the neighborhood you know like he came out and i never had a problem with him i don't think he's a war criminal i mean i'm sure he did some shady [ __ ] but he's an italian guy from brooklyn yeah what do you want him to do yeah you know by the way speaking of italian guys how's your dad doing my dad doing great uh my father he was in um uh tampa he moved to town i remember that right he told you after he moved yes he did he told me after he moved on july 6 he just said that he lived in tampa now and then he showed up to my house uh i want to say december 20th like a few days before christmas and stayed for three months never told us he was coming to the new house oh just showed up just showed up with my stepmom they lived there for three months just left about two weeks ago um he's doing good dad he had um uh i don't i don't know because this happens to him sometimes where he ate himself into congestive heart failure again did i tell you guys he did that the last time i don't remember that okay so what happened was is i get a this is a common thing so i i we know it's common now but in the beginning it was like what the [ __ ] well i get a call and uh for my stepmother says dad's in the hospital again i said what happened she goes he ate himself into congestive heart failure i said again so so what happened was is he did this thing where he eats so much sodium so much so he's his diet just what is he eating so here's what he did like pepperoni and ready for this here's what he did recently three weeks ago okay i have to get on the phone with his doctor he goes he ate an entire tray of lasagna okay three cinnamon buns from like three full cinnabons a whole two liter bottle of uh pepsi or coke whatever like 15 garlic nuts or something crazy like that and like six slices of pizza throughout the day wakes up in the middle of the night can't breathe what else is this can't breathe oh and then he's taking this and it's all rambling with his heart medication his heart medication 100 true story his heart medication he's having some type of side effect he keeps waking up in the middle of the night and seeing a black family sitting down having dinner at the edge of his bed no it's a true story and nobody knows what it's happening he keeps and he's not scared of it but he'll wake up and tell his wife like do you see the wilsons having dinner and she's like tony what are you talking about he sees a full black family that he's not scared of i'm like but like that's at the edge of his bed from his medication so i get on the phone that it's a friendly black man it's just true and even my friend who's a doctor his doctor they're like this has never been a side effect but he's certain he's like i see a black family every night at the edge of my bed and they're having dinner and they're very kind people oh my god so he's in his hospital bed and i'm like dad like what are you doing like you know the food whatever yeah and he goes well what he goes i took all my meds he goes what's the point his thing is what's the point of me he says what's the point of me taking my heart meds and my diabetes meds if the [ __ ] don't work i'm like it does work but you also have to eat a healthy diet he goes i didn't know i had a gay son that's it to count in my calories and i'm like i'm not gay dad i just want you to survive and he goes why do you want me to live long i already saw everything i saw you do what you want to do i got my grandkids and then i said don't you want to like grow up don't you want like to see your kids like my kids like grow up whatever he goes that shit's for you not for me that's what he said he goes i saw you grow up you were my job and in his mind yeah you know again this is i know it's a home run it's a diff no but i know it's like a different woke world now whatever and i'm not saying i'm like this but my dad's thing is he goes you played sports you got a hot wife and you're not gay for him that's a big win this episode is brought to you by stamps.com time is money don't waste either with repeated trips to the post office with stamps.com you can skip the trip and focus on how to take your small business to the next level stamps.com lets you print official postage right from your computer and saves you money in the process so you can spend less time at the post office and more time making your customers happy i've been using stamps.com for oh about a decade now because i hate going to the post office it's horrible it's such a time suck and stamps.com gives you access to all the post office and ups shipping services you need right from your computer get discounts you can't find anywhere else like up to 40 percent off usps rates and 76 off ups stop over paying for shipping with stamps.com sign up at stamps.com for a special offer that includes a four-week trial free postage and a digital scale no long-term commitments or contracts at stamps.com mom he's like what do you want me to do i have a he's like you're not a gay kid and you gotta you you bang hot puerto rican chest that is a win it's a big win now let's talk about your hot puerto rican wife how are things going you've had the second baby now you've had the second baby okay and that's helped things the second baby first of all is now because now i start to think here's the thing jasmine which by the way if you guys are looking to get in shape jasmine go to patreon.com jazzy method she's running a fitness class that she does very difficult um it's good it's good for guys girls whatever babies whatever you want to do she's great at it um we made a whole gym in our garage we bought a house so i made a whole gym in our garage and she's and where everybody's happy um and you know it got to the point where i was like we have two beautiful children she's an amazing mother yeah she's she's beautiful she loves she's a great cook we love she loves to have sex like what what am i what it starts to get to a point where it's like i think my brain was like oh maybe that's better maybe that's better options options options and then i just got to a point where i was like what what are you doing you have your whole family here but what switched like was it a moment i think this having the second child maybe was just a little bit like you know um okay now like this is re because we have three kids she has this you know my stepson as well and two kids and then when we bought the house i think when we bought the house too i was like oh i have like a real life now like this is all i have a lawn and a pool and this dream i'm like what am i going to throw this away for the [ __ ] for what this is dumb buying a house too it is like big boy stuff right you feel like a real adult yeah i feel like a real adult and i felt like you know like we have this life and it's like like it also keeps you grounded like i want i want my goal is for my children to have a better life than i had that's what my yeah that's what i think all as parents we do right so i'm like she keeps me grounded having a family keeps me grounded it gives my children the best chance to have a better life because if i can get my career to the next level it only will help them so all this keeps me grounded you know it's like these other things it's like you know it's like it's like now when i have like pain when i pee i'm like it's just a little it could be prostate cancer it's not chlamydia and that's i didn't realize the feeling what it's such an amazing feeling to know you don't have an std and even if i did get an std it would be because she cheated on me which like it's not that big of a deal you know because it's not my fault right like that's the thing like if she cheats on me and i get herpes like i'm like whatever but like if i gave her herpes it's a way bigger problem sure but if she gave it to me it's like i guess i deserved it sure you know and so it is a thing where it's like anything that happens now because it used to be i didn't realize how much mental energy was being expended on me thinking i had an std every minute of the day everything i thought i had an std all any how much sex were you having it was a it was it was a lot it was it was it was a lot um and it was not you know i was single by at that time when i was by the way without having that much sex do you consider yourself great in bed no i consider myself just because of the way it would work it was very common i'd have sex with the woman once and that would be it uh she was not coming back for more because i think it was probably selfish on my part i think i probably wasn't that good in bed and i think that or maybe we were both just um looking for the sex i think i was finding women who uh were like kind of just wanting to have sex for the wrong reasons like i was like we were just using it to try to cope and yeah we just there was no love there i i don't think it's like a fix right yeah i just wanted the emotional it was like being a drug addict i think we were finding i was finding other addicts that's what was happening and then and then i think you know when we had this second child jasmine and i i was like i don't want to be that other guy i like being this guy better like and it also gets the point like i'm 37 now it's like is it cool to be 40 single banging chicks yeah i don't think so yeah you know i don't i i don't i mean whatever that's your lane that's your lane but i don't want to be that guy you know it's gross yeah it's gross like i'm like i got a family here you know but it's also good because i don't know did you also go through a shame thing like after you bang somebody and then you get the fix and then you're like i'm a piece of [ __ ] like you it's like a it's more of that right yeah so what are you what are you substituting for that like now it's just like the career is going great so now i yeah go there it's career stuff and it's now it's now all that and like now i realize like how much i thought when i was when we were co-parenting i'm like oh i'm actually gonna get more time i only had one daughter at the time more time with my daughter because it'll be more focused and it'll be more this or that or whatever i can convince myself but it wasn't i was spend time with my daughter and we would have a good time and then when she would go to sleep or whatever i'd just be like on the phone like you know trying to talk to girls or whatever like dating apps or this or that and then i realized like i'm missing like all like the little like it's not about the big moments i think being the parent it's the little moments and i miss so many of those in those two years that jasmine and i weren't together like she would do something that was so simple like color of something or just something that i wanted to be there for like i missed like you know like her first step or something like that because like we weren't together and i was like i don't want to go through that again with my little daughter's new daughter's name is violet i don't want va i don't want to miss even the littlest things in violet's life and i don't anymore and i think that you know i just i'm happier being the guy that's in a relationship with the mother of my children than the guy that's like a fun divorced dad like i think i wanted that at some point but i just had to go through the pain of like you know i would think like oh i'm going to get able to drop my kid off and then i'm going to go out to hang out with my friends at a bar or go on a date with this girl whatever and i'm like i don't want to do i actually didn't want to do any of that i would have rather just sat with my daughter and her mom and watch wreck-it ralph but i didn't know that i didn't know that yeah i had to go through that to learn that that pain and now i'm like i'm like okay don't [ __ ] that up again and listen if it got to a point you know relationships evolve or whatever if it got to a point where maybe down the line we weren't together for whatever reason it wouldn't it would be it would be healthy it wouldn't be because of i wanted out because i wanted to go after these things that weren't necessary it would be like something like an actual real problem that i don't you know who knows what happens but right now i don't foresee any of that because i'm like what's the problem like i i'm i'm good to you you're good to me we have our kids we have our house we have our life it's so good like i'm here in texas now she's not blowing up my phone because she's like trust that like hey you're going to do what you told me to do she had reasons not to trust me before and i would be like she's crazy but it's like is she you're [ __ ] texting her sister you know what i mean i didn't do that but yeah you know maybe i did but but there's such comfort in the mundane and i think i think that was the hardest for me to sit still and be with babies too because it's [ __ ] boring you're like jesus christ i can't and then you just realize like it is those little things like oh my gosh our kid could write his name today he couldn't do that yesterday well i have to understand too from jasmine's point of view like it is it is like i'm i would say oh i'm the one getting on a plane and making the money and doing this and there were times and i don't say this anymore like all you have to do is take care of the kids and i realize like that's an extremely difficult thing and she's at home and she has to put her goals on hold and i'm here reaching mine it's like all like all these things are important to understand from her point of view so that's why now i'm like well what is it you want to do she wants to be a trainer okay how can i use my career to help her now and that's what i try to do as opposed to used to be no i got my thing you got yours like i have to figure out how to do my thing you got to figure out yours it's none of that anymore chrissy grown up baby now it's teamwork i told you since i got the second booster yeah i feel like since i got that other ouch i got to take a quick leak i got a leak in my mouth hold on come on dude that's the thing that's i will here's the thing i don't [ __ ] around with girls anymore but guys is a different story guys are me too i love guys you could piss in my ass whatever yeah look at his body even the side profile just looks good looks great you [ __ ] look great man yeah you look like a [ __ ] like a sexy monk doesn't he he does he looks like a keto monk tom's the keto monk i don't look great look at that dude but his ankles are out you know i do feel that we all collectively did get happier here yes like chris larson i don't know if he's in the booth but i mean that guy maybe said five words to me in like the seven years or something that i've known him and here like he's so much happier yeah like everybody i think looks better not happier i think it it's a palpable energy when i walked in because things were obviously going great in la i mean cnla was fantastic but this is even a level up from that yeah and i think the very obviously bummed this out the pandy was so cool so i did the gramercy two i shot mine january 22nd at the grammy yeah it was so great but i i felt that new york city was depressed i felt the energy i was like oh this isn't the great new york city no and i bought them all a shot cause i was like come on [ __ ] faces my netflix special you're gonna laugh yeah and um it did feel heavy like so so how is the city now is it still it's better now because what a huge thing was i don't i think may and maybe if it impacted me more being a parent but once they released the mass mandates for kids yeah and once our kids weren't on we're getting off the bus and on the bus with no mask it just feels normal again like you still see people in new york with mass but i would say it used to be i don't know let's say eight out of ten people had mass on now two out of ten dude yeah so it i would i was walking around new york city two weeks ago and i had said in march of 2020 when they shut everything down like i would fantasize about like there's gonna be a moment i don't know when when i'm gonna be like wow it's back the world feels like it did in 2019. and that moment happened for me two weeks ago where i was walking down to the west village and it was a beautiful sunday afternoon and the kids were playing in the park no mass on running around every store on the block was wide open nice and i was like it almost got like emotional i was like oh my god like it's back like there's still some like there's a homeless guy pissing on the streets again absolutely yeah i loved it yeah yeah it was just it was great i mean you know you had you had you had everybody just being who they are i mean the homeless in new york have the homeless in portland i just came from portland the homeless in portland are like next level next level like where it was like it was insane where i couldn't believe like i saw a guy sitting down on the floor he had like you know like he i don't even know like if he he looked like he was wearing like a bag over him so i guess he was naked but he had a bag on him you could see his balls a little bit but he was eating cheese doodles dr dropping hydrogen peroxide on his feet yeah he was just pouring out your rocks on his feet screaming going and his feet were just like bubbling up and i was like does this guy need help and they're like that's just larry yeah that seattle portland oh my god san francisco la too i mean i you know i saw guys just take shits on the street oh yeah i mean that's pretty like when you see a guy go i'm going to [ __ ] on the streets yeah that was in 07. no yeah i saw it recently oh oh yeah i saw it on my last trip there yeah i just yeah take a [ __ ] in the street well i know and they're a little seattle i like seattle but they are a little they are a little crazy well passive aggressive because there was a homeless man i saw a homeless man in seattle not [ __ ] pissing what you see a lot pissing on the wall and some woman walked by and she was like sir can you put on a mask and i was like what a mask this guy's a homeless guy pissing on the street who cares and then i went into seattle won a coffee shop and because they are a little crazy with the math the mastermind that's been over in new york city yeah so i was in seattle last week and i was about to take it away for the kids now too they took it away yeah so it's great so i go into the coffee shop and i didn't realize there was a sign that said put on a mask i had no idea so i walk in i'm like oh can i get an iced coffee black and the woman's going like this and i was like do i come on my face like what are you doing and she's like she's going like this just kidding her cheeks i was like what what is this and she goes mask you need to wear a mask and i said oh i'm sorry and i took it out i apologize i was like i'm from new york like we haven't had the mass mandate for a while she goes well in seattle we take it very seriously still and i was like okay and then she said what would you like i said may i have an iced coffee black she goes you mean a coffee with cream with no cream i said oh boy i said uh yes i set up iced coffee black coffee no cream it's i guess the same thing she goes it's not she goes iced coffee black that's a little harsh coffee with no cream sounds better oh oh my god that's a real thing i was like i'd honestly rather be beheaded by isis than talk to this woman yes anymore yeah but these people are so passive aggressive it's like she doesn't understand like she's racist like that's worse like i don't trust her at all because like if you have to go to the point where you can't even say black ice coffee i gotta tell you something what are you what have you done in your past i love nothing more than coffee like i love it yeah i have to have it yeah in that moment i would have enjoyed speaking violence more than drinking coffee yes like i think i would have been like [ __ ] your [ __ ] that coffee and [ __ ] you yes i want a black coffee with a black dick in it yeah yeah yeah dude i mean that would be great black coffee with a black dick in it yeah just stir it up would have called her a stupid [ __ ] to her face yeah or a black dick doughnut yeah like a cake heavy one yeah this got me okay i love hypotheticals right so i mean we thrive on them in this i was i thought of this a few weeks ago i'm on the road with jeff tate i pitched him this and i had a lot of fun with him discussing this okay and now i can tell you guys like okay jeffy what a good name jeff tate it's great with a g too right what an [ __ ] yeah i like it hardcore i like it sounds like a like a racist senator yeah jeff jeff's jeff tate it's jerked off all right you're you're a hostage okay okay you are uh you're in a building that is cold dingy wet um you're given water a little bit like breadcrumbs yeah you're on the first floor of this building and you just obviously want to get out and there's a way out and the way out is there's seven guys and they're each gonna butt [ __ ] you okay okay and they have to go to completion the guys are varying levels of attractive with varying levels of penis size so you get to pick the order that you want them in so first up boy is this guy okay leo okay okay this is i thought that was nadav in l.a [Laughter] god look at that little peter so you got him okay yeah this guy i like that he's got a nice hog nice dude uh okay this guy there you go uh this guy right like yeah easy he's got a big box these are anal only sure i heard yeah and to completion right you've got to finish okay okay this guy oh there we go they're all uncircumcised wow yeah he's in the ukraine right now but obviously like nice bod right great bot yeah this guy oh wow oh he's so happy and his winner too yeah and number seven okay so there it is here's the first [ __ ] i've seen yeah the thing you got to decide which i think is i mean i think it's clearly it's it's pretty clear to me that you got to pick what order you want these things because you get to choose okay so the logic would be do you want to start with the the biggest penetration and then kind of wait like work your way down or do you want want to warm up you know start small just loosen it up i already know that i mean i i have my answer but yeah so to me it make i would i would opt for smallest first just warm up the oven a little bit stretch it out piece by piece end with this guy here right and with leroy and then you uh you know you kind of graduate the room but everyone has their own way of looking at it see i'd rather be stretched out immediately you would so i'd rather go him purse just really get it open there i mean a big start you know my father would always say go harder go home right right so i would say go hard with him because you stretch me open you really give me a nice cavernous [ __ ] that i cause once you can accept that then everything else you can accept anything yeah it's like you accept it big so i would accept that and then i would go progressively small as a matter of fact i would go him i would have him blast me wide open just rip me the shreds and then it doesn't matter who's coming in there right because you have no feeling left i like your thinking chris yeah i agree with the theory however your anus is not as stretchy as your vagina we all know this yeah well you've never seen my anus the professionals like the pros they're gonna shoot a double double anal scene what do they do they start with a butt plug they loosen up i agree with going and then they kind of all right let's warm it up so chrissy here's the problem like this guy blaster a-hole first he's going to create tears there's going to be blood there's going to be fissures right you know what i'm saying like it's going to be open wounds in there and then the next guy who's going to blow his load it's going to sting and hurt and burn so i think you want to go little little but gradual gradual gradual and then the grand finisher you're you're ready you're ready you're so open and you're not bleeding well the prop the thing the the real reason why i picked him first is because the truth is i want to come too and he would make me come quick so i just kind of would he though i'm being serious like if you had to choose 100 if i if i if i was uh gay which i don't i don't think i am but if i i don't feel that i would you've always been open to the idea yeah like i'm not i'm not i'm not uh you know listen what does jazz think jazz thinks i'm fully gay she does yes and and uh she's like when you admit that to yourself i think things will get better in everyone's life um i'm like well my father needs to die for me to explore these options yes right now he's still alive so i could go the first 50 years of my life straight last 50 gay that's a possibility but i would i would say that um the the gay fantasies i have had in my head have almost exclusively involved black men wow yes well endowed uh yeah well endowed black men not even that's for me it's not even about the penis size you know i i it's it's the body type it's the muscles it's being held it's i kind of want to hold hands with a black man that's for me said i'm more sensually gay yeah than sexually gay like yeah you know you gotta obviously there's needs but i think you know and i've said this before i think i think i i fall in love with men i have sex with women that's how i describe myself this is what you told me last time you came on you said yeah and that still applies today i still do think there's been many times where i've had a great conversation with the guy and then you want to go about history and then yeah i'll text jasmine and be like let me see that ass and she's like where's this coming from i'm like sagura so would you hold hands with him yes okay i wouldn't i'd rather hold him i would hold hands with him and just get to know him a little bit but would you [ __ ] him too because he's your type if i had to again i'm not gay you know in this situation i i think he'd make me come the quickest yeah just like you know what i mean would you [ __ ] him if he was like [ __ ] me my ass uh what um in the game situation you're saying like tomorrow tomorrow no not yet because i'm not i'm not gay all right you know but you catch me listen you catch me i i've had a nice uh you know a positive day um you know uh i'm drinking a little bit we're being silly baseball season is back in the swing my allergies are under control yeah i've had some flonase i'm loopy yeah you know maybe it could happen you do a little pump or two see how it feels yeah but i'm not i i'll say this i would say 95 chance i'll never have sex with a man or be uh anally penetrated by a man i don't think i would say i'm close to nine percent that will never happen 50 chance a [ __ ] 50 50 shot [ __ ] i would say giving or receiving giving or receiving that's a 50 50. just because listen you know sometimes you want to you know i don't know my deathbed if i'm like what's the one thing i never tried [ __ ] and then you try it it's possible you know um it's possible it is but i would say almost 100 chance i'm gonna hold hands with a guy for real like in my life i think when you do come out as gay you know what's gonna get you like real crazy points is that head of hair man you like that [ __ ] hey look at your hair you know what you know what the secret is and i've just learned this i don't shampoo i only shampoo my hair now once a week i do conditioner every day i was told that my hair because it's like um whatever texture wise my a guy was cut my hair said your your hair is you have nice hair but you're ruining it but you wash it too much hair doesn't need to be washed every day it strips the oils and i was like no way and then i just started conditioning it and it's it's everyone's been complimenting my hair beautiful i appreciate it really nice thank you yeah so everyone's weighed in so guess what what is it you're being released from floor one of this building as a hostage and now you're going up to the second floor yes and in the second floor there are seven women oh here we go and you have to oh man you have to make them each come okay what okay yeah i have to eat them out yeah oh you have to eat them out or or penetrate whatever some because some i just have to make them come some of them you know literally uh reach orgasm some of them like no i need i need to get grounded okay so sorry so sorry chris also has to have them yeah yeah by any means by any means necessary okay so i don't have to necessarily use my face and it's the same kind of thing where it's it's seven oh i don't like that one at all i don't like hers types oh yeah what's wrong with her that's like that one's prettier i like that one yeah these these two are like i would like oh she's pretty yeah what's i don't see any problem no i'm just i'm giving you a full variety here okay that one's fine that one's clean looking yep oh she's super clean sure it's like russian yeah so here's the question okay do you start with the most attractive or do you go i'm gonna work out i'm gonna start at number one so because this is one to get my dick up for or do you you know i mean and then do you work your way to the most attractive do you mix it up what's your logic take me through it my logic would would would be um first of all i have a very short tongue so for me look at that like that's the full tongue okay so it's very short so for me eating girls out never really work it would be like your your tongue is like a it's like a midget's tongue little person tongue so so i would have to most likely have sex with these women to have any attempt to make them come um so i would say that it would probably be believe it or not just the way my mind works believe it or not it would probably be harder for me to come with the beautiful women and easier for me to come with her really yes because in my i would there would be a panic that would set in with the attraction with the attractive one about this and that but with this woman i think i would take on this approach of like we're all kind of just happy to be here yeah there's no pressure she doesn't care yeah so i would probably blast a load in her belly button quick like really quick i actually may [ __ ] in the belly button that might may make both of us come quicker believe it or not um but but i would take that approach um and uh yeah i would i would save her for last i really truthfully i would save her for one i would say i'm gonna go opposite because i'm gonna eat my brussels sprouts before i have my dessert you know what i'm saying like i'm gonna do the hard work first i think so too and i actually think the unattractive ones gonna be easier to make um maybe because like like pretty girls don't do anything i've heard like in bed right like don't work hard they just kind of lay there they're not very they think it's a privilege like you know that you're with them so like maybe the other ones are like easier maybe they're more down because they're like dude somebody's touching me like this is amazing that that's that's what i was going for i think like she would probably be more into it so when do you do this one first she's going to be the most work she might be the most yeah i mean yeah because you got the tattoo on her vagina like all these you like that i love that yeah but they're difficult to deal with yeah you know they're very difficult to deal with because that's it's a privilege and they want it this way and they'll just lay there and they won't do anything so it's it's with the other woman i mean the first woman she'll do whatever the hell whatever you want her to do she'll do she'll do she'll do anything so she might be the yeah she'll she'll be like actually the easiest one first and then she's going to be the hardest one yeah she's going to be too much it's going to be it's going to be too much what would you do i would start i would because i'm thinking about like with this girl at the like right here being as that she's attractive i could definitely maintain an erection and and and perform later on right because she's attractive i would think that it'd be if i go her first and i have the big girl the real big one last i'm like there's just nothing left to me i'm gonna have to wait here for a week so i would i would get that first nut out with the real that makes sense [ __ ] animal at the beginning and then with this one i could still just push through well because that's the real impossibility is there's no chance i'm gonna have seven nuts i'm 37 years old this would take me three months to do this but that's not the object but the object isn't you nut the object is sheen but you got to be able to perform yeah but but she won't care because it's about her getting her nut but some women just you can't make them come like someone that's like that's the thing impossible so that's what swing so based on them who do you think can come the easiest is it going to be the hot girl who might be kind of boring in bed i'll tell you what comes the hardest right her right hand her yeah why do you think she comes the hardest i just see it she has a face that like i come regularly but she's happy yeah yeah she's free i think you squeeze her tits and she [ __ ] she comes yeah she's like probably someone yeah she's like at a farmer's market she looks like she's from seattle yeah this is the woman who yelled at me about the black guy's coffee she's like that and i like a bush too a lot of women are going the bush is coming back a little bit i hope so i have full pubes right now i have a full bush yeah she said i i i like a little pubic hair it's manly because i can't grow hair on other parts of my body yeah so she's like if you had a full bush it would make you feel somewhat of a man do you yeah yeah all right because i'm careless she looks like milky and fertile and fun and she eats she eats you know i think she's a lot she's fun yeah she'll get drunk a little bit i actually feel like this might be the most enjoyable sex you i like have thank you yeah all right now you leave the second floor oh no and you're like jesus how many levels is this i know you like my hands i had my steps in i like this my ass is [ __ ] my ass is starting to heal my balls are empty my jaw my tongue hurts right and the third floor is a chili and it's it is it is full it is like a regular friday night and it you can stay there as long as you want you kind of want to stay there because you are tired you're exhausted you're still a hostage right and there's no other place you can go you can stay in the chili's right and unless you want to go to the fourth floor but the third floor is this chili's and you just you probably spent a couple days there just eating and um you know recovering you know what i mean yeah right and if they go if you want to leave you know at this point you can't leave the building um and you might not be ready for the fourth floor so you kind of just you you you stay there to recover right okay uh and they go if you if you decide you never want to go to the fourth floor you just live at chili's for the rest of your life oh god wait i sleep in the booth and stuff yeah you sleep there and they're always coming over with like they're like you want more nachos and you're like no god damn it but if you actually wanna [ __ ] at the chili's leave the building you go to the fourth floor and on the fourth floor oh yes uh-oh you have to make these guys come with your mouth okay wow it's the 75 greatest players in nba history yes and you have to blow them to completion oh [ __ ] man and it's the final level this is the one that gets now you can go back to chili's if you come up and you go this is just too much you can go back to chili's i have a question i have a question may i blow do they all have to be consecutive and in the same day or may i blow like the front row take a break at chili's recuperate come back below the second you can't go back to chili's in between you have to you have to stay there and make these men now here's the good thing they're the 75 greatest players in nba history 15 are dead so you only have to blow 60. got it is there an option to blow the 15 dead ones though there is there is just because this is the first one you've presented where i don't see any negatives right this is i actually if you gave me an option to live on the fourth floor yeah i take that one surrounded by nba blackness are you [ __ ] kidding me i just told you this is what i want i know you did say that this is so i mean to blow magic johnson i feel like they are watching you blow someone right now yes yes i take jordan's earring and you just use it as a [ __ ] ring as i blow kareem that's right no this is like literally the fourth floor is heaven for a lot of people yeah to blow to get i love and basketball and to blow the sev to blow hakeem olajuwon do you understand no but you know what there's things like you know kareem is in his 70s like yeah it's gonna take a while first of all that is a pipe on that man and it's not just going to be like oh it's in my mouth now it's going to he's going to be like you need to work work it's a lot of work all the head the like the shaft i need you to get under my balls like you got and that's the thing is like you finally get a 70 whatever five year old guy and a nut and you're gonna be like and they'll be like 59 more yeah like it's a lot of work but you don't have to there's no time limit though there's no time limit and there is people break and they go i'm going back to chili's like they just wait a minute but i oh they break yeah and then you come back up and they're like you're ready to blow 60 guys right now you gotta i think you just you got to be mentally prepared for the amount of time it's going to take it's going to take so long and your jaw's going to hurt so bad after kareem alone yeah i mean all these guys are seven footers you know oh my god yeah but you know and it's interesting but it is nba pedigree [ __ ] yeah so that's the thing i understand you're old i get what you mean but you have to understand this is the one percent less than one percent the .001 percent of of human athleticism in the world this is a privilege and an honor it's like how dare i even but right here we're looking at just seven [ __ ] and can you imagine oh my god dennis rodman's saying all kinds of crazy [ __ ] also like just physically you know yeah it's a lot you i mean your mouth is going to be really real that's going to suck you're going to have to see a [ __ ] surgeon i might live at chili's you would just live it chill really big commitment listen ask someone that's given bj's my most of my adult life sure it's it's work bro and to find out what makes each one of them come this is 60 different guys you're not blowing the same guy over and over every guy likes something different you're gonna have to [ __ ] figure out that and because i i mean listen we're taking 75 minutes for 60 men and 15 dead guys some of them some of them i would argue 20 to 30 percent want need ass play to come right so you're gonna have to get in their ass a little bit yeah you're gonna have to yeah for sure so so that's something that now i'm not saying that deters me it doesn't yeah but it's just an option to bring to the group like for sure a lot of energy like just touching rodman's dick doesn't make him no yeah i mean like yeah oh we've not even forgot we've forgotten that thing that these guys have gotten laid a lot yeah so so the bar is so high in terms of what they can even find a rousing anymore it's not gonna yeah you go down and blow them and they're like where are the other three yeah three what he's like i usually [ __ ] four at a time exactly yeah you're not gonna cut it for them and maybe chrissy they don't like dudes so maybe you're up against that as well you're definitely up against that right so i'm gonna have to fight them to even just get their [ __ ] in my mouth imagine you're fighting carmelo anthony to suck his dick i'm gonna get i just start beating i have to beat the [ __ ] out of carmelo anthony and then [ __ ] stick his bloody dick in my mouth can you see why i love this idea it's a really good time i just beat his face really good yeah you're fighting like they maybe they're maybe you know might they might be homophobic they might not want to have a man sucking their dicks so actually maybe i have the best fighting chance of getting out of this hostage situation oh yeah yeah they'll have no problems with you yeah you're right so maybe compared to you two pigs i'll be like the belle of the ball yeah and they'll see me come in they're like oh yeah yeah no if they had to see us first yeah i parade you guys then you go in there you're gonna get out i'm gonna win building oh yeah you'll you'll you'll certainly win it'll be faster too yeah because you're like wait who do i have to choose from they'll be like this guy why are we in this room we're the greatest athletes ever why are we getting blown on your mom's house why are we at this chili's man yeah um i i think it's a it's fair i would fall in love with dwyane wade i mean dwayne wayne's a handsome guy though super handsome you know ripped rich classy stylish chris paul's got beautiful eyes yep steph curry i might steph curry just just because i think he's even though he's one of the greatest players of all time since he just looks like a weak little [ __ ] i may just turn around and [ __ ] him in the ass a little bit even though i don't have to wow just to do it wow that was aggressive yeah just be like hey you [ __ ] you yeah you know yeah like just because just dunk more yeah just you know what i mean just you stop being a little dainty [ __ ] i know you're a greater shooter but you're a little dan so i mean he might get a little pumps in the ass wow who knows though i mean you know how honored would you be to be on in front of mj on your knees though oh my god see that's the thing with me is really what's going to take the longest is i'm going to use the rest need the rest not because of my mouth because i'm going to come with a few of these guys and then i need a i need an hour nap i need to reset but getting on blowing mj you know how do you not come lebron yeah you know so that's the issue so there's things to factor in yeah um hmm but yeah very thought-provoking question i like it thanks bringing this up well that's what that's what they are you know i mean that's what the kids we want the kids to think you know yeah and and by the way if you're at home and you're watching or listening you know let us know how you would do it too please um yeah let yeah now by the way you came in for a ymh live and you're one of our favorite that's when tina had had the tats and the yeah i love tina i if tina was a real woman like then i i might take back some of the things i said about jasmine i'd be like i can't be with you jasmine i need tina yeah it was real his love of tina you kept looking at her really and i tina's my type of palpable sexual energy i missed it was all it was all over the room everybody was everybody tina really turns from around did you stay as tina a little bit before tom at night or did you get like we kept the sleeves oh cool sleeve yeah yeah it's like a new woman right it truly was right yeah i felt like yes it was exciting yeah really exciting and i was like you know i know you've been in prison and you know this [ __ ] you [ __ ] [ __ ] and nice yeah it's really cool um love it but you got to sit through the heavy segment and we realized there was some clip since then that you haven't seen no no i'd love to see we'd love to show you yeah because you got that heavy segment was uh oh yeah nice what is that hpv yeah anal warts mine don't look like that yeah i'll tell you what it looks like seashells i know it looks like uh yeah it looks like barnacles barnacles it looks like uh some of the stuff they put in yogurt just got the chill it's rough oh that good thing he's wearing a condom though yeah now that is he yeah no yeah it looks like he's wearing a rubber is it pull it out oh god i think i don't think he is i see it you see okay oh i thought it was just the warts yeah that's uh that's that's not good that's not good but you wonder why wouldn't you just get the warts removed maybe it feels better i don't know i could easily vomit looking at this clip easily yeah see i i don't i've never seen warts oh god anal warts suck yeah i can't imagine i'd rather just to get the warts on my [ __ ] and balls than and your [ __ ] ain't and you're because they're not just on the outside of his ass right inside of his ass too and you do get those removed right that's what you can easily get them frozen off you get them frozen this is a choice okay oh my here we go the fact he's not hard on his stomach oh wow that's cool yeah how is that not killing you i don't know how seriously how is that not killing i don't know it's really penetrating isn't it going through his organs yes yeah yeah that's pretty good what but what i will comment on is great he's in great shape yeah super easy love to have body fat like that yeah that's a good screen guys are savage yeah yeah and that's disgusting i can't believe he's soft i know and he's well hung limp yeah that's a good hand that gets about eight mm-hmm easy eight there we go oh look at the balls i forgot god describe what you're seeing what i'm seeing is is a man put a drill bit in the tip of his penis uh in his multi-colored penis um and his balls are are they have a noose around them it's like he's going yeah his balls are are tied up with rope and he's and he's got a uh he's getting off he's getting off is yeah he better the amount of pain in that is i mean nutting when you put a drill bit in your urethra that does not feel bad oh is that blood that was good oh jesus oh that the blood got me yeah good i know which one to save yeah yeah though the blood the blood ever all the other ones i'm like i can maybe even come to these but the blood coming out of that one is wait and you know what i like he's wearing like a button-down shirt and like a suit jacket yeah he's like he's like at work yeah i'm going to take a break he's like a furniture salesman just going in the back this is something you don't always see is this a mutilated dick yeah i think it's just like a small uncircumcised day oh i thought he was oh yeah and he's putting uh he's putting bees on his [ __ ] are those wasps nice wasps there are some horrific looking penises yeah right what is that good it's not you got to get circumcised out there yeah right like you do you do you have if you're if you're in the western world like you know europeans aren't but if you're american yeah but what do you do i mean because that's an uncircumcised i mean what are we doing oh and he's letting them go in the urethra now what's the hook he has coming i think it's gonna keep that hole open that the wasps can fly in there no is this a what is this what is what i don't know jesus and then afterwards it's just all swollen and that's what he likes that's what yeah that makes his dick hard is that how we get pollen uh honey i meant what kind of honey is this this is yeah the stuff you put in your tea what's that chris so what this looks like to me is i actually is that her throat yeah frostbite that's a frost by toe there you go so she's ripping her frostbitten toe off or he yeah um and this is why i don't go hiking i mean where's that oh casually too go to the doctor why are you doing what are you doing what are you doing yeah disinfectant or whatever antiseptic yeah like this is numb it oh what are you doing this is what the portland homeless guy was doing that's the toe that's this person's toe that was they just ripped their entire toes oh i thought it was just the nail it's the whole toe so what yeah like who are these people doing this why didn't do they not have health care i feel so sick you can get it now you can get it dude obamacare yeah oh wait [ __ ] dude that person rip their toes they ripped their toe off yeah like they were like they were cutting their nails yeah that that is um something i've never i mean i bite my nails i bite my toenails even when i had the flexibility but i've never done that i've never ripped a toe off have you ever done this nice dude is that what's inside my [ __ ] yeah yeah oh what is that [ __ ] coming out of his ass that's not [ __ ] what is it it's like mucus oh fluid dude the most disgusting thing is the hair on this guy's ass shave your ass this [ __ ] dr drew saw this and he was like there's a good chance that the guy left dead within 15 minutes really yeah why i mean i guess he's like you know that color and the fact that i don't like hanging outside really he thought do you think this guy could have been dying could have could have i usually have alcohol when we do this i wish you could have given me i know this is nice this is like a nice afternoon treat yeah this is lunch all right last one last one babe i'm not feeling good now can i go pee hold on just last one oh what he's cutting out with his scalp is this a doctor is this just a guy hanging out i don't think this is just a [ __ ] this is just some guy in cincinnati ah why are they doing it i don't know die oh my god this is what i'm doing is a scalpel through that there's a scalpel through the top of the head of his [ __ ] penis yeah it's a lot and he's got pubes and wrinkly old balls oh no his penis is bleeding out now there's a fountain it's like a water fountain of blood coming out of the top of his [ __ ] yeah so these are ones that have been on other lives that i wanted to show you i i mean this is yeah the fact of the matter is is is i want to come on another live you guys i love because this is like first of all i mean is this for pleasure this for sure is yeah yeah this and by the way do you think that he's like i'm gonna make a video i don't know what i'll do or he's like you know every few months when this thing heals i know exactly what i like to do this guy does this regularly yeah how does that not kill him that spurt of blood that's a very good big lot of blood that's an artery like when it spurts out like that yeah that's a problem like it looks like a water fountain of blood it looks like a twizzler coming out of the top of his [ __ ] you can't even show the [ __ ] on youtube right now dear oh no you can see it at ymastudios.com if you want to win that's what it is um this is tom's only fan oh my god um this is i mean that is um those i will say i believe are worse than the ones because you guys when we were live that i did was [ __ ] heavy it was a lot of [ __ ] yeah yeah what [ __ ] you know i guess i don't know having kids i don't i don't mind [ __ ] i've dealt with so much human [ __ ] now but this is heavy bloody penises and anal warts is it's rough to sing now without doing a live because of touring and everything sure and now we're eyeballing a date for our next one okay but it gives us so much time that we're able to curate some really heavy spectacular stuff yeah it's going to be yeah you'll be able to get it to the point where you get alive where you actually get somebody in here in person to do they rip their [ __ ] out is that a possibility it's not impossible yeah yeah because that that is you know i i think you guys are going to graduate to that if you haven't already yeah because because why that idea down go ahead because that would be something really special you better have face shields yeah because somebody's getting pink eyes yeah um all right now listen this um this episode is going to come out on april 6th we don't know if you will be on youtube on netflix on both yeah but by that time at least news will be like we're preparing people to go to both places go to both places but at worst case scenario on that date it might not be in either place but you will have announced what the resolution is 100 i will have announced what the resolution was by then something is coming out april 6 on my youtube at youtube.com christy comedy i don't care if the netflix deal hasn't been signed yet if if it hasn't been then i'm putting the full special ad on youtube that day 100 nobody can stop me if we have done something i'm still going to put some type of clip or something out to direct you where to go to see it so yeah april 6th youtube.com says christy comedy today just be there get on it um and then also if you want april uh 8th i'm in indianapolis april 9th i'm in denver nice so a couple of days great cities great shows yeah um super happy for you man thank you so good to see you thank you truthfully i like i've said the last time i mean it again can't have it without you guys because you know what the truth is and there's no no disrespect to anyone but i feel a little bit of like you know because everybody a lot of my peers at at my level they've gotten themselves up to this point but they've gotten a big push from a netflix or like a joe rogan i never had any of that my big push came from you guys so i appreciate it please i never got the i never got on netflix i never did joe rogan i never did any of the things but literally you couldn't be happier so i appreciate you and i text you too i sent you messages like see what you're doing you're [ __ ] killing no i know i appreciate the text we love you so please come back any time dude next time i'm coming with jasmine yeah and the [ __ ] kids yeah even the i even was exchanging messages with sal so we'll get we're going to get sal the hell out here yeah sal's the best great hairstyle you want to talk about good hair where do you see sal's hair when he cuts it i mean it got it got real [ __ ] yeah manifesto-y for a minute yeah with the it looks crazy yeah crazy [ __ ] yeah yeah yeah yeah i want to see him see [ __ ] like this too oh no no sal he i'll tell you what yeah he's going to throw up sal he will vomit so i know that you guys want yeah absolutely sally v i love you guys thank you she made me do copious amounts of cocaine with her [Music] to the point i thought my heart was going to stop she told me to calm down gave me a drink and i don't know it was in the drink but i blacked out and when i woke up she had both of my legs over her shoulders so nobody's paid me to confess this now and i've kept it under wraps for all these years because i knew that no one would believe me [Music] man hillary clinton ate my [ __ ] [Music] hillary clinton [Music] made my [ __ ] [Music] hillary clinton [Music] make my [ __ ] [Music] hillary clinton [Music] take my [ __ ] can hillary do this to you yeah of course you wouldn't mind what would i mind she's a little bossy that's fine yeah yeah i'm sure it wouldn't be that fun but i mean i would still do it you know again i would just do it for the story i think hills would be fine with a few in her do you have any idea what kind of story that is i can't believe it happened i know i mean this guy's telling it to his youtube channel but yeah it must have happened before she was married to bill i don't think that's what he's saying what do you think this is like recent of course wow [Music] hillary clinton ate my [ __ ] [Music] hillary clinton hate my [ __ ] [Music] hillary clinton [Music] hate my [ __ ] [Music] hillary clinton hate my [ __ ] hi mommy thanks jeans thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house and if you had a great time watch more videos here here here don't forget to subscribe here here here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately thanks jeans

Channel: YMH Studios

Views: 1,293,055

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast

Id: churLXwdC2s

Length: 117min 58sec (7078 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 06 2022

Reddit Comments

[u/Ki11s0n3]

Are you listening?

One of the best parts of the podcasts is Christina asking Tom if he's listening and watching him get more and more upset every time she asks.

[u/nobodyspersonalchef]

hold the fuck up

she still has limited sense of taste and smell from covid?

time for tina to eat tims scrum

[u/ImAnOlogist]

The girl everyone liked, angela white, you're welcome.

[u/MashTheGash2018]

Fucking LA Nadav man.

[u/Spicelordactual]

Christine: tell me about the whore you fucked.

10 seconds later.

Christine: enough

[u/SLCkazaam]

As a big NBA fan it’s nice to finally find a NBA Top 75 breakdown podcast worth my time.

[u/Yossarians_moan]

Ole Chrissy Closets is cracking the door a bit.

[u/AdDue1868]

My depression running back into my life when they laugh about how broke you are if you make 40-50k a year

[u/safetydance]

Chrissy Bitch Tits! Best guest.