EP 67: Chris DiStefano & The Muddy Martini

we might be drunk we might be drunk as long as we are hanging out you know we might be drunk raise a glass let's talk [ __ ] had peeps wrecks and a bit maybe drunk we might be drunk yeah hey hey folks here we are we might be drunk we're here we're queer and sam's making some cheer we got sam morell on the blower and our pal you know him you love him chrissy d krista stefano chrissy bit chips call him what you will how are you chris what's up everybody how you doing you look sharp you look sexy yeah but you know it is here's the slime i am it's like you think that it's like this nice you know you know expensive outfit the jackets from h m the jeans are all navy and i'm wearing a budweiser shirt so i just couldn't i'm all about hiding it you look like yeah i'm hardy or some [ __ ] really yeah you look good as [ __ ] i think tom hardy's the i think here's what i'll say about tom hardy he's the actor because you know everyone says like oh if i was drunk like i'd hook up with this guy even though i'm not gay like tom hardy's the closest guy hook up with where i'm not drunk i wouldn't need right i'd so i do it sober in front of my family i'd kiss him on the left you know yeah oh look at this so what's sam making a martine yeah we're doing a cloudy martini i got this is amazon these were free and i stole this from uniqlo so i'm with you did you steal it yeah i don't know what this but what i'm wearing that's nice too it fits like a goddamn glove it's kind of tight lanky scarecrow body again there it is look at this studio yeah not too shabby huh i like it i like that i came in uh and the the front the doorman guy told me i didn't have to wear a mask i was like i'm sorry i have a mask he's like it's okay man that's how we do it here yeah oh there it is nice dude this looks like my dad's urine that's a dangerfield joke i was drinking so much i pissed an olive yeah you could just tell no disrespect oh i could just tell this is going to suck take a second you'll feel better than it tastes there we go sam i stand corrected [ __ ] what sam what i literally stand f wow i thought this this because this looks like sewage because you know why because it's actual good ass brine wow dude this is amazing this looks like what happened to the the mississippi river in louisiana this is no i know this looks like early this is hurricane katrina exactly but um it's like a meal dude there's so much olive juice in here it's like it's like a meal i'm getting calories in here it looks like a like a la hot chick drink yeah it tastes like my dad yeah no i know i mean it's just it tastes delicious yeah norman's got a hot dog sound like my stepmom oh are your parents divorce mark no no i wish they're still together and they go at it my parents are divorced and i was speaking to my dad my dad's uh visiting uh me from florida he's been saying this for two weeks and he said you know the best thing i ever did in my life was divorce your mother he's like i'm sorry like that if that hurts you he's like but really like you wouldn't be i wouldn't be proud of you if i was still married to your mom he's like yeah he was like he just think because he was just like my life was going nowhere with your mom he's like and your mom's a good person and i'm a good person but we just weren't good together and i think that the best thing i ever did was divorce her he goes he goes and you know 37 years later i'm so he said i would never be as happy as i am as a human being if i was still married to your mom i'm with the louis ck is that great joke every when he got divorced i was like i'm sorry he's like no divorce is great it's the best thing you can because i bet you somebody like louie or anybody like you know when it's not like the divorce came out i know where he was probably waiting to do that or guys you're waiting to do that for years and then when it finally happens you're like yeah i'm out of jail kind of thing you know it's a weird thing it is weird to tell you like i'm i'm a bet i wouldn't be proud i'm happy i get right i wouldn't be proud as a little that's a happy well what he was saying was what he was saying was he was like he said because because he said i think that i was able to be like a good dad to you because i was not in a negative headspace with because i was not with your mom if i was with your mom he said i would have just been a miserable curmudgeon of a guy and then you probably would have turned out like a big piece of [ __ ] right and so he was like you know you i think you're a happy guy right because my dad was like i'm happy but i i could only get happy when i left your mom yeah because she sucks i've had both your parents my mom and dad how about this my mom and dad they now are like actual like friends again but that's it's only because i started to have kids like before i had kids they would fight anything they got into a fight in the crowd at my david letterman set where i saw if you watch my david letterman said about whatever it is three and a half minutes in i like look up a little bit because there was a some commotion yeah and then mad dog matter and james madden was sitting he was one of my guests to come and he was sitting up there he goes yeah he goes that commotion the ushers ran down the aisle and almost threw your mom and dad up because your mom was sitting in like the center seat and my dad your dad leaned over and was like hey you weren't never at any of his shows i should be in the center no not you and then she was like i was the one that was at all the open mics he goes he goes i was the one who was at the maui taco i was the one who did all that he goes i went to the creek in the cave he was like you didn't do any of that and she was like shut up tony he's on stage who gives it and then because james gets your closer i know i know mad dog manner and was sitting in between the both of them so my james was the buffer between my dad and my mom james i know i would say this if i'm your therapist they're making your letterman spot about them they got to be there for you right there i know i know and then my mom ran down the stairs and pretty practically pushed me out of the way so you get a picture with john travolta he was the other guest you talked to travolta right yo no listen the thing is with a guy with a guy like a john travolta somebody i know just met tom cruise and said that like there's an aura to them like like you understand why they're famous like there's something magical and tim dillon said the same about alec baldwin just worked did something with alec baldwin you get he did his podcast said you get why he's so famous travolta has that thing where it's like it's a presence that i i don't have we don't have you know so it's like so they have it where you're like oh i get why hollywood was attracted to this person and why they're like this this is something otherwise because he had me in one of his trances that's what they do he had me in a [ __ ] trance i saw him i was going up next you know he had just finished his segment and there's like that commercial break and i'm standing there by that curtain you know waiting to go out i could see the set i'm like [ __ ] myself and he walks past me and then he comes back he goes whoa you have on a beautiful suit and i was like yeah i was like i was like i go it's from joseph a bank and he was like oof and then he kind of he was like oh you know and i was like i bought it off the rack in suffolk county long island a day before because i don't know if you remember remembering the taylor remember like out of our group like of guys who like started like che was the first one to get like letterman and everyone's like he wore jeans right and then i was like oh [ __ ] i was going up two weeks later i was like i gotta get a suit yeah i don't own a suit right so so i so i just bought this [ __ ] suit that was too big and he goes um he goes this is you have such a beautiful suit and i was like wow i was like thanks and then he goes um he goes uh he goes so so are you nervous and i was like a little bit and then he put his hand on my chest like without like just put his hand like right in the middle of my chest he goes why is your heart beating so fast i was like because you have your hand on my nipple that's his pickup line yeah yeah and then he goes and then he goes and then he goes um he goes just calm down breathe with me and i was like what i swear to god dude this my mother's witnessing this whole thing he goes i know oh 100 he goes he goes wit you know he goes um he goes just breathe with me and i was like okay and he goes you've done this already and i said no i haven't i'm going up next he goes you've done this already and i go no i'm going up i almost like i almost like got angry because yeah you're anxious i almost was like no [ __ ] stupid i'm next like yes i'm i'm paralyzed with fear right now yes so i put my and he goes no you've done this already and i said wow i haven't he goes no no you have because your set had to be vetted i'm sure by david letterman and all his bookers and producers i'm sure they don't just let you on so you've done this set you've practiced the famous people think that letterman is watching ourselves yeah yeah yeah yeah david was like thanks frank like he didn't give a [ __ ] conan o'brien's in the room like that guy right there yeah that's not how it happened so there's a booker but he says to me he goes um he goes uh you've done it already you've been vetted producers they don't just let anyone on the show he was like so it's the hard part our next guest paul mercurio yeah i know he goes you know what's so crazy dude dude um the guy who's the guy eddie braille who is the warm-up comic did one of my bits that i was later gonna do in the water on the letterman show in the warm-up james i had all these texts from james madden you know i don't dare look at my phone sure all these texts from james madden hey man don't do the r word bit don't do the r word bit that i i i oh i'm not r word but a bit where i add ours into words that don't need ours he was doing it based off like a boston actor you used to call it the n word bit yeah exactly i love joe rogan yeah i'm starting a podcast with neil young it's called we both never did rogue i'll be a guest yeah there you go so so joni mitchell there it is so so um you know he's like you've done this already and i said no i have it whatever he goes no no you all the hours all the times you practice in front of the mirror the hard part is done you've been selected now you just have to go live the moment so it's over already the work is done it's over just go live the five minutes wrong and he goes be present for those five minutes that's my only advice to you goes and you know what he goes i'm supposed to catch a flight i want to stay here and watch you live this moment he said it's so cool for me to see someone experience this for the first time he goes i'm going to be here cheering on you're going to crush great job and i'm like holy smokes and then with that like almost like while he's talking you know i don't realize that about 90 seconds i've went by you get that little tap on your shoulder because you can't hear and they tap me out and i hear david letterman saying please welcome chris stephanie my god and i went out there and i had you know like a really good present you get the moment set and i felt like oh my god and in my head this whole time i'm thinking like i'm like doing these jokes in front of john travolta like who knows what could happen maybe i'll be talking i don't know and then i come out and i see my mom there and she's like oh my god like you know like great whatever how's it feel i was like amazing and i was like where's where's john and she goes oh honey he left immediately i swear to god yeah but he did what he had to do he got you truthfully yeah and i almost wasn't mad i said i said mom how quick did he like you mean after the first joke she goes no as soon as you went on to stage and said and put your hand up to wave hello he walked out yeah so so it was but i'm not mad at him at all about that at all nothing you had a moment with him and now you're a scientologist and then i swear to god and then you're ready for this and this is a thousand percent true the ve we we know this as comics but the audience may not know it's like we want to hurt ourselves a lot so i had a set at the uh david letterman i felt fantastic i then immediately took the bus took the bus with james madden and my ex-girlfriend at the time and my friend from home took the bus to the village lantern yeah okay the old village lantern comedy club and i bombed with that same set in front of six or seven swedish people in my letterman suit i just was like i have to do it i did i drank a 40 on the bus in a brown paper bag it was like because you want to feel that pain i come off the bus okay i'm sorry i come out of the uh the the village um lantern walking down the street this was june walking down the street is tracy morgan with no shirt on and a fifteen thousand dollar chain so i switched so i see him and i don't know crash he got a forty five thousand dollars i know he upgraded yeah yeah so he go so so i didn't you know i i don't know tracy morgan of course i know who he is but i never met him or anything my ex-girlfriend at times like tracy more like hey like because everyone was kind of drunk and buzz was like my boyfriend just did letterman he goes oh and he goes my boyfriend right here he goes oh [ __ ] and then he goes he goes yo come over here playa so i go he grabs me by like puts me like in a headlock with almost like a sweaty armpit and he goes um he goes oh your girl is beautiful i was like thanks she goes i like her toes they painted like skittles and i was like i was like yeah man it's great he goes you just said david letterman and i said yeah he goes how'd it go and i was like it was good man i had this you know i really felt like i had a good set he goes i'm proud of you man i always know from day one you was a real [ __ ] i was like i go i go i've never met you like i've never met you at all i swear it's percent true i go i go tracy i've never met you guys nah nah nah i know you from day one day one i go i go yeah dude this is day one and then he goes who's the other people on the show who's the music guest i was like i really don't remember he goes was there anybody else on the show i said john travolta and then i swear to god he goes he put his hand on your chest i swear to christ and i was like he did he was like yeah that boy cold oh wow then he goes yo congratulations he goes i'm gonna be seeing you hand to god six weeks later maybe less i did that south beach comedy festival comedy central south beach comedy festival in miami in miami i you know last minute edition so i might have been a month later last minute addition to the show uh uh to uh i'm in the festival tracy morgan's headlining the jackie gleason theater down there he needs an opener comedy central chooses me i open i see him in the green room i go tracy what's up man he goes who are you i was like i met you a month ago outside the village lantern whatever you know i'm the guy who did letterman whatever he goes day one he goes i don't know who you are you want to water i was like uh yeah sure i'll take a water then he proceeds to give me he goes his age matt frost matt frost is his age and goes matt give this man some waters and then i was like you know i i i get a take a couple of bottles of water uh matt comes over and gives me a couple bottles of water he goes no no i give him a case i want him to have a case of water so he gives me a [ __ ] poland spring uh case of water off a pallet i was like what is this and i said to man i was like what is it goes tracy morgan always needs a pallet of water at every show he does i was like okay wow what a story it was great man amazing but honestly dude it's [ __ ] like that that's like i'm so happy that it worked out that way yeah right yeah it'd be weird if it was just you started opening for tracy morgan and that's better he didn't know what you were doing he doesn't know he doesn't give a [ __ ] who i am oh [ __ ] this [ __ ] keeps you funny yeah being the butt of the joke keeps you funny at the end of the day yes the bus ride the 40. i love the idea that your parents are fighting at letterman you're in letterman's like why'd you get into comedy you're like right there right there that's let's do yeah oh yeah oh yeah well like i you know just just this past weekend i did the beacon theater and it was like a beautiful moment for me sold out whatever not even close uh the by far the biggest ovation was when i brought tt jerry and homeless pimp on the stage i mean they were like i was just like a [ __ ] carcass just on the [ __ ] stage wait we got to talk about the so sam's doing the beacon coming up it's about to sell out you're both new york guys new york city what was it like i mean that's a beautiful theater it's a special place it's iconic were you nervous about selling tickets did you know you had it show us everything so so that's awesome uh congrats to you sam congrats to you my friend we're nice folks hey these are better than they look too dude honestly man i need a second one yeah we might need more ice matt if that's possible i spilled some of it on my jeans thank god they were eight dollars um good if i don't mind i mean whatever company sent us this [ __ ] 1888 hey man this is a good year i'm watching that show 1883 by the way it's on apple tv phenomenal show is that the year bind was born what uh what is it so 1883 is a show about oh sam elliot's in it um tim mcgraw yeah um it's a really [ __ ] fantastic show westerns are bad and there's like a scene like a random scene in the show like so random where they do a flashback to when the main character tim mcgraw is fighting in the civil war for the confederacy and some he's like on the battlefield at antietam which is like a very bloody civil war battle and he's on the battlefield it says flashback to antietam whatever and he's like and a union union soldier captain or lieutenant comes over and is like talking to him and he's like it's going to be okay like i'm you know i'm not going to kill you i'm not going to hurt you and you're like oh whatever and then the camera pans up it's [ __ ] tom hanks just a random bit part and then the same then the very next episode they have a sheriff that like comes in and kills everybody and the share was billy bob thornton and then neither one of them ever come back in the show again it's like it's like just keeps you on your toes uh john travolta touched his chest he's like why is your heart beating so fast soldier it's a [ __ ] great show man 1883 it's it's it's connected to that show yellowstone yellowstone another western so i got mark on yellowstone so yellow so how far deep into yellowstone are you i just started the fourth season okay so the fourth season so i think so do you know like one you know when they flashlight too much you know but you know when they flash back to you know kevin costner's john and when they flash back to the 1800s sure that's the show that is this exact show every show has gotten uh a alternate universe alternate extended universe you know i mean they got to be familiar everything's got to be familiar now or nobody watches it wait so let me tell you about the beacon first of all the one thing about us being new yorkers sam is what and i don't know but what what not that i i i don't want to i don't want to say regret this i don't but what i wish i would have done a little different but i guess i can't okay it's the guest list that i i had because it's from new york so many people came there and wanted to come to the green room and this and that it gave me so much it added a level of pressure that i didn't need so if i ever god will and get another chance to do the beacon or something like that i won't i won't invite all i'll just say i can give you guys free tickets absolutely no problem no green room access no after party action i don't get that it's a show you know like i was that whole day i mean this is the only job by the way they're not you're not going to see like les mis and they're like come in the green room no yes right no so true well tim dillon did the beacon and tim's a new york eye too and tim was like you know he came to the show and he said man you got so many people here i said i know you know it's a beacon whenever he goes dude i'm from new york too i i told nobody to come yeah he's like you gotta like i'm gonna do a special and put it out on youtube and the old me would have invited everyone i want nobody's coming no you don't i don't want anybody i don't want my family there i don't want anybody zero people i don't want my agent there i want to do the show for my fans and then you can watch the product exactly you know show is number one i can't be giving you energy and you time how was your day get out oh you couldn't find parking get out of here then i got i got people texting me you know i go on stage you know whatever the show starts at eight o'clock i have people texting me 750. where are my tickets where exactly what do i do are you going to do the same set like i'm like what the so that's a good question uh 759 yeah right yeah so that's been my only advice for you but honestly man i gotta be honest the beacon theater it was one of those experiences where when i was about to be brought on james madden uh sergio chacon featured a crush and then james madden hosted and he's just like such a great host when he was about to bring me up it was like one of those things where like i just forgot all my material like it happened like you know i'm sure we've all been that situation where like i just was like oh [ __ ] i don't even know how i'm gonna open it i forgot but it was like it's almost like a good thing because like my brain almost like zapped out and like started with a blank slate and i just came out and was like so in the moment yeah by the time i got the light at 50 minutes i thought like i remember in my head thinking i'm probably at about 20 now and then james was on the side with the light for 50. i was like oh that's good 50. and then i did like it you know normally when i do a set you know i'll get up to you know 55 minutes whatever i'm like all right let me start winding it down i must have did 80 minutes on that stage just because it was just kept they're so loving you know they're your people and they know it's a it's a big they had fun man they had fun and then and then i was like after i was done i was like man that should have been my special but instead i'm gonna do it at new york comedy club well you know yeah well you want the club atmosphere too yeah but also i think to shoot in a room that big is going to do right got to cost 150 grand well that's what they said well i was going to do my special important same agent and i'm sure he gave you the same rundown that he gave you well i was going to do my special in puerto rico that would really stand out because i was going to say oh you know i'm doing on youtube in puerto rico i was going to say to my i was going to say listen you know these people you know like um uh uh you know netflix doesn't want me amazon doesn't want me showtime doesn't want me i want to go back to where i'm loved where the people love me puerto rico the puerto rican government wants a hundred grand for anything they don't love you either i was like i guess you all don't love me yeah i forgot chris was going to open with i feel pretty yeah i was going to come out [ __ ] just throwing paper towels into the crowd you know what you got to say hey look we'll have a [ __ ] fight first and then it'll be free but you do a thing that i do too and i like we got to cut it out you we act as like underdogs and stuff but it's like you're doing so well dude you're crushing it like it's cool he earned it though it's not like you know what we're saying some fat guy with a cigar like you're in no one's joe hollywood here well no one look show hollywood you gotta you gotta get in with that guy but let me tell you you did it the right way you did it through your own baby oh doing the mics together look at this now yeah yeah look at us now drunk on uh i knew you'd like the patrick ewing thing yeah so patrick let me tell you my patrick ewing stuff so i got two of them he's got any you could feed chris anything and you'll have something i'm dying to hear your harvey weinstein story he touched and he said your heart's beating so quickly so patrick ewing my very first knicks game how old were you nine ten okay the thing sports for me why why sports is so special for me is because it was an incentive when i was a child to do good in school my father would say if you do good in school if you listen to your mother if you do this whatever it is you will get tickets to in nick games you will get tickets to a yankee game so sports was incentivized for me so that's why i fell in love with it it was because that's how my father you know got me to do what he needed me to do so you know they were like you know if you pass these get these good grades and we're going to take you to the next magic that was the first game we went to shaquille o'neal's magic wow yes yeah 1992 orlando magic so penny uh that that finals team right was uh were they they were the finals like 94.95 i think so yeah but that's you they beat jordan definitely penny definitely penny and and uh and shaq so and scott skyles for sure so he was a killer so i was a little kid you know early 90s you know we're sitting you know whatever upper deck seats whatever patrick ewing goes baseline and like tomahawk dunks on shaquille o'neal and i was like oh my god and then he like you know shaquille had like fallen under him so like patrick had to like hang on the rim a little bit so i go dad i like standable is like i was like patrick ewing i was like dad look at him he's swinging on the rim like a big monkey like that because to me it looked like a monkey and my dad was just like pulling me down pushing me down and everyone was like looking over at me like whatever and then my dad i there's a thing i don't know if i try to do like misremember this because i thought it was like a a funny or i thought it was like some type of defense mechanism but i'm almost positive like i would be willing to say i'm 95 sure this he really said this is he looked around because he got tense like oh really he got yeah because i just yelled up and said he's like a monkey and went well the blackface didn't help yeah yeah and you know it's bad when you offend yeah early 90s new york yeah and then my dad i was gonna say it was 92-93 my dad like said to like the general group around me goes my son's [ __ ] not special needs nothing because my son's [ __ ] so he made it by the way by the way his save is now would make it 10 times worse right yeah that's genius that's the time that's a great boo it's like what kevin spacey did he's he [ __ ] that kid he was like well i'm autistic yeah he said i'm gay or i'm getting to not help no that didn't help you can't say it you can't be accused of [ __ ] someone underage and be like i'm gay that's not a sexual orientation thing so kevin spacey let me tell you my kevin spacey [Laughter] [Music] so so this this this was you know five six years ago i had did i somehow got involved i forgot how i initially got involved but kevin spacey and cal ripken jr the baltimore orioles you know iron man hall of famer oh my god they had some type of foundation down in washington dc and they i got hired to do uh to open the show that they were doing like this rally or or this fundraiser or whatever i got hired to open the show wow and cal ripped in how many years ago is this this is maybe six seven pre-cancel no yeah no there was no nothing about kevin spacey it might have been months away but kevin spacey was i mean he was being he was a kevin spacey he was a god god a legend so one of the best actors oh yeah and funny guy so so great cal ripken which by the way cal rivkin jr if you're not a baseball fan google him his blue eyes are like it's a little like poem it's a little traumatizing piercing it's insane pull it up pull up cal ripken junior's eyes man he must have really gotten laid well didn't his mom get kidnapped yeah like yeah something we got her back i think yeah they got her back but cal ripken whoa look at that that's real that's not photo it's like uh warlock or something and he's phenomenal great player too oh yeah class act broke lou gehrig's record like this really first ballot hall of fame he got the disease i knew a guy when i started out he passed away a really funny guy glenn coyle had a joke where goes my girlfriend got lou gehrig's disease so i traded her that's a great joke it's a great job so she said michael keaton in him yeah he's he's great very handsome so i i i'm there and first of all cal ripken i do my five minutes which is like you know [ __ ] five minutes opening up this thing cal county girls he goes man i don't know how you do what you do that i don't have the balls to do that i was like you literally are one of the greatest baseball players of all time like what are you talking about yeah nah stand up's harder it's a different thing he goes stand up hard i go cow it's not okay i was like dude you're you're up for like but to us it looks i mean obviously baseball is harder but to us to them that must be like yeah that's not what they do think about the repetition of just swinging right it's like it's anti-social yeah right right so it was cal ripken phil negro i don't know if you don't feel negotiated hall of fame knuckle ball pitcher i think he just passed away and kevin spacey in the green room wow of course big three yeah and jasmine my child my kids mom my girlfriend kid's mom she's in there with me and it was like you know we're there so she sees all this so kevin so phil necro and kevin spacey are doing like like horrifying not horrifying to a comic but like if it ever got out like audio leak like wild jokes like yeah racist sexist like crazy [ __ ] you're like whatever who gives a [ __ ] green room yeah but then film uh uh kevin spade this is pre stacy turns to a camera if this ever gets out i'll be finished but then but then kevin kevin um says something to phil negro like you ever just kiss a boy on the lips no way it's something crazy and we were like like come on it was a little bit like and then we were like okay and then jazz was like jasmine said to kevin's face she goes what do you mean a boy he goes no no like an 18 19 year old boy you ever just kiss a boy in the lips nothing's better and then it was so weird and we were like okay like whatever that's his testing ground though 1819 that was his save yeah and we were like yeah that's fine like whatever it is it is you know cool whatever and to be honest with you to be fair to again i don't know him past this he was mad cool that night yeah that was [ __ ] awesome after i'm sure he's the most charming guy on the planet yeah after after i did my set he was right there he was like phenomenal he was like let's hang out let's do this let's do that he was like we got to do all these he was like we got to be i got to put you in movies and this and that and then he was like come find me in the after party and then i i swear to god i lo i saw him at the after party and i walked up to him i was like hey kev i was like hey kevin like i'm just about to go you just told me to come find you and he was like i'm a little busy right now and he was talking to like some 21 year old like jacked gorgeous male waiter and you ever heard him saying i got to get you in movies yeah yeah i've heard stories about the you know touchy touchy touchy with stuff on set and then if you were like you got to cut it out he would cut it out but if you didn't say something he would he would keep that going well well the the the reason why i bring it up is because again no judge i don't know him other than that but but we i remember i remember in the car going back to our hotel that night jasmine said to me she goes kevin spacey's like a little like it's a little much with him right and i said yeah i said to be i said but i think that's all how hollywood actors are this is pre me too stuff so whatever and then when all the [ __ ] came out about him jasmine right away she was like i told you that there was something off about that guy i was on uh jim and sam right when that i think was the week it came out yeah with john bernthal who was in baby driver with him and john bernthal was just openly like that guy's a piece of [ __ ] what before it came out oh it came out and john was like i've never talked [ __ ] about an actor he's a bad human being really and he was like not nice he talked publicly it was on air i'm sure there's record of it on air somewhere i mean he would just say he was just saying like yeah that's not a good guy and it was like a news story from that episode that yeah because it was like john bernthal is a big actor that's like a very nice guy i was on sway in the morning which is like an all you know black show black audience i was like the guest host for sway in the morning and the the the at while the jesse smollet news was breaking before anyone thought he was lying like just a man who was beaten and it was like that and i was on with some guy like white jewish guy who like owns a bunch of gyms and he goes um sway was like you know everyone went in a room how do you feel i was like oh it's horrible it's you know this and that but whatever and then because you know the story did sound horrible and then they got to me and i was like i don't know if i believe it yeah and they were like and they and they were like what the [ __ ] they were like and nobody like scolded me but like but you see they're like that's that white [ __ ] with white people like they don't believe everything and then it came out like two months later that it probably was made up because i was like it doesn't seem real because my i i said there's proof of this i said it on air i said because at that time they were saying two white uh they were saying the news two white supremacists had said you're that you're that you're that f word from empire and i said there's no way white people are watching empire no that's what i said right on air you're not you're not you're not a mega white supremacist guy and watching [ __ ] oh there's no way that's happening but that's bald ballsy of you to do that in that black room right yeah but i was trying to do i was that was my bid i was like there's no way they're doing that on empire like that's a funny bit yeah i was just doing it and they were like nah like no nobody it wasn't like bad tough angle to take when it's when it's the jury's still in it or jerry's still out right i texted sway two months later i was like apology question mark what'd he say he left it on red ah nah nah sway's my boy i love sway ah sway's one of those guys who i started he taught me like when i was hosting like shows in 2014 2015 he just gave me like the best advice the best tips yeah swake if you ever get a chance to like work with sway from sway in the morning sway calloway he's like truly like one of the best i've seen some of his interviews he's great interviewed obama four times wow you know like he's like a personal friend like obama if you're listening you got an open invite to we might be drunk we'll get whatever booze you want look i [ __ ] we our bartender didn't make it tonight she's puerto rican we know what chris does to puerto rican women so we told her to stay home honestly that's better for me and my family like yeah she's a good looking lady no but we uh yeah yeah but we but we you know if you're into that sort of thing hot latina women i'll make you i'll make you a cocktail one more actually yeah yeah yeah we need more ice honestly dude this is one somebody's got to drive my car to the gramercy i'll drive i can drink and drive like you wouldn't believe don't say that i really can't i'm a great drunk driver don't say it i grew up drinking this might be boring but i was watching today the this this story of the frontiers man and like i didn't know the history of the american frontier like i didn't realize like the historic significance of new orleans like oh yeah whoever controlled new orleans in like the war of 1812 like there would be no country if there wasn't no like the french had to give up new orleans so so i didn't know if you know this napoleon you know who the france france owned like the whole louisiana territory that you know the louisiana purchase or whatever so napoleon in like a drunken stupor just gave just [ __ ] sold louisiana to thomas jefferson for like what would be the equivalent of like a few hundred dollars yeah just like when steinbrenner bought the yankees yeah yeah it was like what are you doing i know and i was like it's [ __ ] interesting like i didn't did not realize like i was like oh you know [ __ ] whatever new orleans i know you drink hurricanes you go on you know i have mardi gras whatever but it's like without that city dude there'd be there would be no united states well you think the united states well there would we wouldn't we'd be half a country we would stop at you know we'd stop in the midwest maybe we'd be better let's go back to the 13 colonies what do you guys think we might be more we might be happier i think we're already there completely divided so it's not uh it's not that different oh nice dude i like that just a dirty sweaty hand oh man i washed my hands before this huge man i'm sorry was that disgusting that i just didn't know i love it i haven't washed my hands since 1989. i really can't make me laugh when i'm making a [ __ ] drink just telling the truth dude i know 1989 goodyear that's enough we got enough of that i'm like legitimately [ __ ] green here i'm freaking the toxic avenger over here you don't like it oh cookies what's this whose birthday is it you guys want some cookies yes thank you that's true that's great for audio happy birthday happy birthday chris this is for the beacon congratulations oh thank you thank you yeah i saw the photo of you with your family in the groomer i said that first thought was that is really sweet second thought is that's got to be hell yeah i know i was like well that's the thing dude i have the same thing with my family where like i'm so grateful they come to shows it means the world to me that my parents but like holy [ __ ] like they've come when i did found they come when i do colbert they come and it's like it's so meaningful but the same time you're like man it's very stressful yeah i'm i've told my family already like i want to do i'm going to put a special on youtube kind of you know like you guys did and i'm just going to do it at new york comedy club because i'm like i just want to get it out i want to get the material out but i told my family like you can't come yeah i don't want you to come i don't mean to be disrespectful like i it just adds a level of pressure that i that is not necessary agreed so i'm not i'm not gonna do it thank you sam i think that's the move so i'm not going to do it this is a [ __ ] great cookie a little stale but great i'm okay with the stale cookie i don't mind yeah especially with the booze cooking i like these right here so whatever the hell these are called i'm a big fan i don't know they're thin so you don't feel like they're as bad for you but they're delightful i like a crunchy cookie cut a cookie you're right hey i'll tell you here split it with me split it with me all right all right you want half of this man i hate those i hate it too it's too gay it's like the pride flavor what'd you eat today mark anything good no i eat a lot no i tried i ate oatmeal and uh that was it and i came here mark doesn't eat much what are you eating oh it's a sandwich we had a business an egg sandwich and then i had a uh a turkey sandwich i'm a boring eater how do you guys stay so thin do you just eat right you didn't do you're not no no i'm not i'm 240. what really yeah well you hide it well you know that's what i'm saying so it's all about the angles [Laughter] oh i dropped martina i just i'm i uh what no i normally eat more exciting than that on the road i i try to eat go to good restaurants because i want to i want to at least like feel the city you won't eat like dominoes or anything no well i'll never eat dominoes because we live in new york [ __ ] city where i can eat great pizza on any corn why would any dominoes when we can get better slice than any corner man oh shoot but i'm saying if you're in that [ __ ] city no i don't i won't eat pizza on the road unless they've got a good road pizza spot like if i'm in new haven connecticut i'll eat people you don't ever like hate yourself after a scent and just get pizza hut or something i've done it but it's like i usually will like panda express bring it on yeah yeah i i stopped the asian hate exactly here here is that real let's talk about it asia imagine i go into it let's talk about the rock he's a transphobe i yeah um yeah i guess i don't really i don't know look at this guys i've always been thin since i've known i've known you my whole i've known you since 2000 i've known both you guys since like 12 years now you guys we're like significant parts of each other's lives yeah it's wild i've known you for so long to know somebody for 12 13 years you know like and to like someone for that how insane i know how like how insane that is you may not see each other all the time but it's like the fact that like we very well could be in each other's lives for like 30 years that's why i invited everybody to the wedding because i'm like i've seen all these [ __ ] grow kids no kids married who's somebody who's somebody if you just [ __ ] say it we're drunk who's somebody that just missed the cut come on mark all right cosby he could take my place no because i put them at my table i'll just wash my drinks that's the first time i'll ever be in new orleans is for your wedding what you never been there man dude get there early do the tours me and my girl plan on getting their three four days what's your date again mark all right do we believe that i heard that i heard that's a good time to do it because it it's not so oppressively hot it's the best month of november we've tried these dollars by the way oh yeah what do they have blue cheese in them or something yeah dudes yeah that's great do they really we might be drunk and sponsored by better help online therapy relationships take work a lot of us will drop anything to go help someone we care about we'll go out of our way to treat other people well but how often do we give ourselves the same treatment for me working out or buying some new sneakers is an investment in myself this month better help online therapy wants to remind you to take care of your most important relationship the one you have with yourself we're in therapy we go to the same guy it's necessary clean out the garbage your head has all these horrible thoughts splicing your childhood traumatic experiences you're a wreck you're a mess you need therapy get out the garbage whether it's hitting the gym making time for a haircut or even trying therapy you're your greatest asset so invest time and effort into yourself like you do for other people tell them how better help is online therapy that offers video phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to maybe you got a weird boil on your face or something you're weird you know you don't want to see that you're all said yep it's much more affordable than in-person therapy and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours give it a try and see why over 2 million people have used better help online therapy we might be drunk is sponsored by better help and listeners get 10 off their first month at betterhelp.com drunk that's b e t t e r h e l p dot com slash drunk you got to do this it's it's therapy very important take care of yourself it's going to change your life here here we might be drunk is thrilled to welcome our new sponsor fanimel i love live events i hate buying tickets the hidden fees suck and coordinating with your friends is the nightmare they're garbage i always end up fronting a bunch of money and chasing down my friends to get reimbursed not me personally because i'm very generous but if they flake i'm stuck with the whole bill and then i discovered fandible fanable has tickets to everything there's no fees the price you see is the price you pay that's i mean that's pretty big yeah not only those prices transparent but they're almost always lower than anywhere else i look and for any hot ticket like coachella a laker game or dave chappelle fanimal is always the cheapest option nobody gives nobody goes to live events anymore so why buy tickets alone fanimal although if you do come to a show alone there's nothing wrong with that honestly i love that like someone tweeted me about that the other day they're like i wanna is it weird my friend's bails are weird if i come alone i said no dude enjoy yourself yeah and you know what the guy made new friends at the show they tweeted me afterwards i sat with these guys and they were tweeting me too so you end up having a great time no matter what um fanimal's patent group purchase makes it easy first you set a minimum size for your group and you choose the number of tickets you want to pay for yourself then you invite friends when the minimum size is met everyone gets charged and receives their ticket if the minimum size isn't reached in time nobody gets charged you don't commit until your friends you march tell them how mark i called you march march march normand tell them how to do it oh yeah and family has amazing customer service don't take my word for it check out their hundreds of five-star reviews the next time you need tickets go to fanimal.com and sign up with code drunk for twenty percent of credit twenty dollars of credit towards your first purchase we drink on this show check out fanimel and experience more support the show and get twenty dollars off your first purchase with the code drunk at fanimal.com f-a-n-i-m-a-l dot-com get on it hey folks we might be drunk is brought to you by manscaped oh yeah set your first new year's resolution with good intentions and join the four million men worldwide who trust manscape with our exclusive offer go to manscape.com and use promo code drunk for 20 off plus free shipping holy hell i love manscape i use the ball wash i shave with the the lawn mower it's good stuff it gets it in tight i keep it in my travel bag i just whatever i need it it's all there you got the crop preserver crop reviver uh you got the lawnmower 4.0 it's got a light on it for christ 6. i love this thing they love it they even uh they they have a travel bag i still use boxer briefs they're great and uh the ultra premium body wash is great for manscaped love manskip i just use their shampoo and conditioner if i'm being honest yeah yeah oh yeah i use it today that's where this [ __ ] load of bird's nest came from but yeah get it get on it folks yeah i got some of that shampoo in my in my uh shower too hey whether your resolution is to work out more or to travel to new places be sure to travel to manscape.com for our exclusive offer of 20 off plus free shipping with the code drunk that's 20 off and free shipping with the code drunk at manscape.com one last time one last time sorry i've been drinking 20 off with free shipping at manscape.com use the code drunk it's the new year no pubes in 2022 with manscaped support the show and get 20 off from free shipping with the code drunk at manscape.com hell yeah get on it man and look better and smell better i only [ __ ] with blue cheeve or jalapeno olives dude i like it what about a regular olive oil i'll do an olive all right i don't know why i said it so definitely my cousin put olives on her fingers on her fingertips and dipped them all in mayonnaise and she used to eat them and one time she's puked so hard they started coming out of her nose cousin honey boo boo [Laughter] yeah dude i'm excited to go i'm excited to go to um to new orleans because uh you know love and history and i love um i've just never really been to like the deep deep south like i've been in nashville and florida but like new orleans is like the sun yeah you got that right yeah but there's no road in new orleans right like where can we play in louisiana they have they have harrah's i guess there's hairs but there's a couple little theaters there's the casino yeah you've done it no i haven't done it but no one does it big comics go there i guess it's a big app what is it 2000 seater or something no not even it's like a little improv in the hair really yeah but no one does it it's like i saw a dat fan there once in nineteen i opened for that fan at too late i mean i was at two lanes oh there you go yeah i forgot you went to a lot of people went to tulane right oh jeff sonic because when i first started it was i it's interesting when i first started i had this complex or this insecurity because you guys are such like comedy historians you know everybody's albums and all that stuff and i remember feeling like insecure where i was like i don't know much about the history of comedy i've never been to new orleans all you guys were like doing like the so those are the two those are so now because everybody was from new orleans you went to tulane you sean patton uh three people no no no um chesley theo all those dazzle neck went to jail everybody was from new orleans and i was like i'm a piece of [ __ ] that's i thought you needed a passport to go over the brooklyn bridge how do you think i felt i come to new york all you [ __ ] are new yorkers i was on a fish out of water and i like dude i remember when you were inside remember when mark was a janitor you used to do it professor tom's on second half i did that and then we used to and then we did you the show used to run with harrison i did that show what was that show um what was the name of that event sage sage yeah and harrison was like for all these shows sage sage was a great [ __ ] and he had another one on second avenue what was that party too that's that's what i should do the open mic in there and then stay for your guy's show with harrison harrison greenbaum it was hard to find that was a great [ __ ] [ __ ] hell yeah that that's not even a venue anymore right barney too it's like oh no completely um i actually haven't walked by it in [ __ ] ever that was a good bar too dude i had a lot of fun at bar 82. i used to be a physical therapist so i would do physical therapy remember we did some road gigs together back in the day yeah three of us did one remember what we did mohigan sun that one time we did all three of us yeah oh with amy yeah we were there with amy it was it was way longer like a triple headliner oh scott robert he was doing the story on him and we drove home that night don't you remember scott ryan i remember without rob yeah but i don't remember there was us three and scott rob in the car i remember that yeah and i think you were headlining because they were uh esquire magazine we were co-headlining and you were opening it was yeah yeah not ringing about well i got to the beacon first [ __ ] but you guys will get to radio city first dude how about this uh hassan minaj texted me the other day shout out to samanage uh he's another guy started comedy with hassan minaj and dude the very first television show i ever got to be a part of was philosophy and uh it was on mtv hassan was the host and [ __ ] kevin barnett was was my was the panelists me and kevin were the panelists r.i.p i missed kevin so much he texts me last night he goes hey man are you around to do a set february 25th to 27th i'm doing some shows in new york i said uh i can't do 25 or 26 i'm on the road but 27 just let me know the venue and he writes back radio city i was like you're doing a weekend at radio city goes yeah i got five shows there i was like dude you're throwing that around like a [ __ ] like like it's an improv yeah he's just doing five at radio city banging him out what is that twenty thousand no five thousand no six thousand seats in radio city so thirty bucks there once did you bomb in radio station for the uh mtv music awards wait so what are you doing how many shows are you doing what i'm saying he's huge i thought he'd do more than that no no i think what i'm saying through the garden if you do if you're doing five in a six thousand seater that's thirty thousand thirty thousand oh that's bigger than the garden which is 20 000. he's gonna he's huge like i'm not shocked at all that he's doing that crazy he's that's my goal i would uh that is my goal if i could just get to do one i didn't have to sell it out one show at madison square garden where i'm the headliner that would be my goal you'll get there well yeah you'll get there i mean the garden now feels like uh like a funny bone in albany i mean it's like sebastian's doing 13 of them louie did 10 bird did a couple it's just schumer did one or two or three or four did you open further yeah i had to follow madonna fun fact she looked great by the way yeah did you have the fake ass yet yes she did best she's a fake ass oh yeah pull up madonna's ass i mean it's wild just pull it right you know it's your whole thing really don't have something to google it this guy's acting on camera she's googling 68 years old and she's got the ass of uh chloe kardashian she's got the ass of my kids my kids uh grandmother look at that thing nice puerto rican s i'm good i don't like those that's a little ridiculous hey that was anti-semitic yeah can't adapt to this guy oh look at that wow no she didn't have that ass when i saw her i got it i think that um you know because what i heard about madison square garden is you don't really have to sell all those tickets because scalpers buy them immediately um right away scalpers buy the table look it dude that's right yeah yeah should us should the three of us do the garden like we did which and get scott robeck shout out to scott rob man great writer is he still with us yeah yeah he looked like a guy who was who could die he lost a lot of weight did cover kill him no i'm kidding oh he lost a lot of weight he looks great oh he just got robbed shout out scott rob that's great did that piece ever come out on you uh i don't think so he was thinking i tried to kill him on the lips he touched his heart rate he no he uh he wrote a great book he's written a few great books i remember scott rob on on that drive home was just a really cool nice guy sweet kid yeah wait a good egg yeah i like scott rob he used to buy me diner meals and he was like i don't know how you run around like this because he was a big guy and i'd be like ah yeah he would get cabs everywhere because he'd want to run so it was great for me that's the thing too is like you know like just now just recently i think it's the same for all three of us is we just the tickets are starting to come and the podcasting and all that found but it's like you know like people don't know like you know from 2009 to like literally a year ago it was slaving like hell like like i mean doing sh i remember dude i used to go and hope i went up i was a physical therapist and i drove all the way to delaware just to do five minutes in front of mike vecchio he graciously gave me 20 bucks and then i drove all the way home and went right to my day job like yeah that's like sometimes i'll get messages from up and coming comics or whatever and be like hey like i have a day job and like it's just so hard how did you do it and i'm like man if you're already messaging me that like you're never gonna make it like yeah i just i just was like there's no excuses i just want to make it so bad that i'm like i'll just i drove all the way up to the boston comedy festival you're always a hustler man thursday night i'll never forget thursday night 2012 drove all the way up to the boston comedy festival uh the first round to try to do five minutes just to get to the second round which would be the next week that's you know to win a [ __ ] prize whatever just do anything i got immediately eliminated from the first round like immediately just do you remember who beat you i draw adam newman that's hilarious i just gave him chiropractic advice and uh adam newman yeah where's adam newman does he live in new york he's in l.a he's adam newman he's a nice guy he was another guy he was part of ours caroline's he was always a character now yeah no he tweeted something how he needed a chiropractor in l.a and i was like good man yeah what are you going to physical therapy for oh my god two herniated discs in my neck in your neck yeah [ __ ] how did that happen eating [ __ ] uh yeah i just ate a lot of [ __ ] and it just it took a toll i mean i was you're the best ever and i was like look if this is the toll it takes and i'm down so yeah that's like one i swear to god one guy he came in when i was i was a physical therapist he came in and he had a herniated disc out i think it was c5 or c6 that's what i got that's mine so see so this is funny so c5 c6 he comes in and he's like he's like um you know there's this big herniated disc whatever in my boss this wasn't me my boss who goes um he's like you know doing that he's like how do you think this happening goes oh he goes um he goes uh i think it was you know lifting up my kid or maybe it was swinging a baseball bat and then my boss says to me goes he goes you sure it wasn't uh going down on a woman really the guy and the guy goes uh the guy goes yeah i think it was going down on a woman you know like whatever goal was going down the woman he goes well historically statistically if you if you're herniated c5 or c6 it's because you're sucking [ __ ] like just joking around like just full like just a joke whatever ha and the guy goes yeah i am gay like that like and he was like okay no problem like you know like whatever and i was like and like the guy like who said yeah i am gay i was like it was a moment where like it was laughed off but like i had the angle and like he truly like came out of the closet to us it was like begging for help i was like that guy was fully gay yeah and just was like yeah and like i was like i was like yikes we were just i mean hey whatever you want to do but yeah yeah yeah wow lay off your alternative lifestyle for a few weeks because we're trying to help you here dude so and that was kevin spacey one crazy physical thera well two crazy physical therapy stories i have one um this was 2000 maybe yeah guy comes in back pain okay just back pain just generalized back pain so you know you learn all the tests to reproduce you know being a physical therapist is a lot of times people haven't come in with mris or x-rays yet so you have to try to reproduce their pain and then it kind of you work backwards to figure out how did this injury happen and then that can dictate how i treat you right so this guy came in with this generalized back pain i'm doing all the tests that i've learned and because there's even tests to know if somebody's faking it for like a workman's comp there's even tests that we learn how to do that to be like ah ha like you're lying and then you know we can you know we won't let you you know get away with that yeah and and um and all these tests are are like not working like everything i'm like it's not workman's comp it's not this not that what the hell is going on with this guy so i had i was a you know i was a licensed physical therapist but i was new so i call in my boss who's you know 30-year professional and i say hey like jim i i don't know like what's going on with this guy like it's embarrassing but like can you come in and help he was like absolutely like you know whatever your new student like your new therapist like you know i'll come in so going he's doing he did every test i did he's like i can't figure it out so he says to me goes what's going on here sir he's like you know you just be honest with us what's going on he goes i don't know man i hurt my back and he goes um okay he's like but is there something else like that's going on like any information would help us we want to help you get out of pain because he was in excruciating pain you believe him or you wanted some pills uh well i at fir that's where i was going i was like maybe this guy wants pills so in the physical therapy office that i was working at that time there was also a medical an orthopedist that had an mri machine an x-ray machine so you know everybody was pretty close so he says you know what let's go get you an mri this way i can at least see the tissue and whatever so you know we don't go into the mri that's you know another professional's job the mri or x-ray tech comes out and gets the doctor the orthopedist immediately and comes over and he's like we're like something's like maybe it's a tumor i don't know like something was serious so then my boss and this orthopedist are friendly so they go over and they start laughing looking at the picture they're laughing and i was like the [ __ ] so i think the guy my boss jimmy goes chris come here come here this is like my second week on the job he goes look at this look at this it's a gerbil no i didn't know what it was no no wasn't that it was a matchbox car wow he was taking his kids matchbox this is a true story he was taking his kids matchbox cars and shoving them up shoving them up his ass with condoms that would like he was trying to like um like massage his prostate like it was the only way he could come and he had gotten one of the matchbox cars lodged in his back and it was pushing on his uh lower like lumbar spine so he go we go in we go in and he goes um we go into the guy and and we and you know my boss says listen we got the mri results and uh you know you have a matchbox car or what looks like a matchbox car some type of item far enough we don't know the brand per se but you're [ __ ] the guy and the guy goes and the card swear to god in new york the guy goes the guy looks and he goes now how'd that get there i'll never forget he goes now how'd that get there that's great and i was like and i was like okay and then and then the guy says listen it's no problem like my boss is you know you got to be professional he's no problem at all and goes um but you know you have to get that surgically removed on top of it i asked her to listen no but on top of that on top of that my boss then you know says you know listen can you just disrobe so maybe i can get it out you know what but when he disrobes he sees he has a full like like rat like it almost his dick and balls look like purple so we're like what's happening now so so you know because now like multiple cars traffic yeah yeah so he goes so he goes um he goes uh is that bad and my boss says that looks like a sexually transmitted disease and he goes and he goes oh but i'm only with i've only ever been with my wife he's like well you know you might want to talk to your wife and the guy goes yeah i got to talk to my wife and then like we're doing the exam and then like five minutes goes by he goes i've had been having sex with prostitutes you think that could be it and then my boss is like yeah i'd say that's it yeah he goes how can we keep this a secret and then my boss says you know there's you know it's it's it's client you know uh client privilege like i'm not gonna we won't say anything he goes yeah but i need medicine i need medicine to get rid of this disease that i have i think it wound up turning out he had like gonorrhea or and chlamydia like he was [ __ ] yeah so he says he was at that time one of and this is way before the presidency one of donald trump's lawyers whoa so he says to me because i was two three weeks onto the job he says hey you're a young guy i was single at the time you're representing stormy daniels yeah yeah he goes would you mind kind of putting this std medication in your name and then i'll come pick it up from your house i'll pay a thousand dollars a week for it hey and so i so i was like that now it was just me because my boss had left to go you know get a hot pack or whatever so he he kind of what and i didn't know what to do i was 24 at the time a thousand dollars a week sounds pretty good pretty good but i didn't know what to do so in that moment i kind of made a decision i said i said hold on like let me think about it and i went out and it's the only time in my life i ratted i ratted and i told i tol i know my father's like you [ __ ] rat yeah i told my boss i said this is what happened he goes he goes into him he goes get the [ __ ] out of my office like right like they were friends these people he was get the [ __ ] out of my office he goes you're gonna you're gonna do this to a young because this guy this kid just got his license you're gonna you're gonna ruin his entire life because you want to [ __ ] prostitutes he goes get the [ __ ] out of my office i never want to see you again get the [ __ ] out and the guy wouldn't leave and then my my my boss goes you wanna call your wife right now and tell her what's going on i have her number two then the guy was like you know pull up his pants whatever and he goes he goes you know you could have like just ruined your whole career if you would have done that he goes you know that's malpractice that's you know code of ethics you could have done everything you know ruined your whole life and i said i know like thank god i was like you know and he was like you know you want to you want to do this for 20 years like you would ruin your whole life i was like absolutely about 10 days later mtv called me we're like hey we'll offer you we will offer you an overall deal if you quit physical therapy tomorrow i went and i said i [ __ ] quit i was like and you called the guy's wife yeah i was like i'm not doing it yeah and i [ __ ] the guy's wife i was like i was like you want to get gonorrhea i'll give you guys wow yeah so yeah then and then and then a woman came in she had lower back pain i'm sorry she had uh tennis elbow lateral epicondylitis which they called tennis elbow right so she's got tennis elbow treating her for two hot like 40 year old divorcee hot so she goes um she goes uh she you know coming in for the tennis elbow treating her all is good and then finally she comes she comes in one day and she goes she goes the pain is like radiating to my lower back i was like that's not possible from tennis elbow but you know she goes but it's in my lower back i was like well you got to go get like a script you got to get a prescription from an orthopedist and and they have to refer you and then we can treat your lower back pain she's like can you just be like can you just like massage my lower back please like it's just like temporary i was like okay so start massaging her lower back and she goes can you do a little lower i'm already on like the top of her like they're called like your sits bones i'm more like which is like those like dimples that you see over like a person's like i love that dimples back dimples so i'm right there i'm massaging my thumbs whatever she goes go a little lower i was like i was like man that's like your butt she's like that's where the pain is okay so then she goes i'm massaging it a little bit there she goes lower i was like i was like come on like i was like are you serious she goes you're 24 25 years old she's like you don't want to massage a hot 40 year old's lower back wow and i was like i do she was like well then do it and then i would start like going lower i was like you sure this is okay she's like i want you to do this and i was like oh my god she goes does that door lock i was like i think it does jesus i swear to god i had a [ __ ] boner through my khakis like you can't imagine and she goes um she goes just go lower so i kept going lower and low and lower and then i got to like the top of her [ __ ] which was like soaked and she's going to stick your fingers in it and i was like oh my god and then i swear to god is this a penthouse forum i don't believe this i finger i like put like my finger like i was like this is crazy so i put my fingers in her and she goes and she like grabbed my [ __ ] which like i said was rock hard i i married docker's khakis on and they were like ripping at the seams stain proof thank goodness yes and she goes just unzip it so i unzipped it and my [ __ ] boner just like popped out like like that and she sucked it four times i blew a little more times yeah like oh four four strokes dude you know how hot that is i just blew a load in her mouth wow she was like oh you're such a baby i was like don't say that and then she and then but i had but i was like that was one of the craziest [ __ ] stories a woman hot older woman and i for the life of me and this is a good thing i cannot remember her i remember her first name not her last name wow ladies see how easy it is it must be nice to be a gal that's female privilege well then i told my boss about that again 30 years of experience he goes ah your first one i said i said my first one he goes that that happens every six months in in an office like this i was like really he goes yeah he goes he goes they you know a lot of times like these women like you know you're helping them you're giving them something their husband or or if they're single that they don't get and you're good at you know you know you're helping them ease their pain i was like i was like but isn't that wrong he was like yeah it is but he was like [ __ ] it there's healthcare oh i was like okay yeah yeah then sticking a [ __ ] matchbox car up your ass wrong shoulder we're here to help people with damage human beings god damn it that's like gay's anatomy oh yeah dude gay gays anatomy gays anatomy is what i should name my special that's that's a that's a gay porn right there man what a story that's hot turned on it was hot [ __ ] man man a lab you put a lab coat on a woman will do anything for sucks that's the name of your next special dude yeah that's like one time i was like maybe 22 23 walking down like sixth avenue-ish like you know like that part of the west village kind of by the comedy cellar where it's like i don't know where they even what like all the streets [ __ ] intersect and i'm like i don't even know it was like around west fourth park it's not a grid anymore yeah i don't know what the hell was going on madness it was like maybe four cars so i'm walking out i'm walking down the street and my boy was with me i'm walking down the street and it's like you know 10 o'clock at night summer night and uh you know way before comedy i was in the city hanging out and um a woman comes out like you know what didn't look homeless they don't look crazy nothing she comes out of an apartment she goes i just need to suck somebody's dick i have to suck i swear to god i want to do this she was like i feel like an mtv show i swear to god she goes well that's what i thought i like it or not she goes i just have to suck somebody's dick i thought i was on punk'd that punk was popular at that time with ashton kutcher she goes i just need to suck somebody sick i was like i was just i was just there me and my brother were just there and she goes you boys want to get your dick sucked and and i was like we both were like what she goes and takes a mask off it's john travolta yeah yeah i was like yes and then she literally got on her knees at 10 30 at night on whatever street that was and sucked both of our dicks for neither one of us came but it was like two minutes and then she walked away there's eight guys booking a flight to new york right now i know it was you're gonna save this economy yeah it's true what yeah that those are like that those are like moments of my life from like was that real did that really just [ __ ] happen my virginity was like that a lady was on the on the balcony flashing on bourbon street we looked at her we said hi she said come up and that was how i lost that's [ __ ] nuts every now and then but see for a guy this is like a godsend for a woman this is a a you know victim moment it's fascinating how different it is well now i've gone to an age i'm 37 now and maybe i've had enough sex or enough sexual experience in my life for now it's like i know this sounds like gay and weird but like i really like if i was single like i really would like rather be with a woman because of her personality than her looks i feel like i'm getting old too i'm 38 and i feel the comments are exploding right now like i get the fake tits i get the fake answer i know what a [ __ ] feels like i know what it's like to have sex with a hot woman from every i get it it's like can i have a conversation with you like do you want to talk about history i like history and [ __ ] like do you want to do that it's fascinating i mean you have to be somewhat attractive we're normal like men and women trade places with age like when we're in our you know eighteens and twenties it's like oh [ __ ] anything i'll [ __ ] blow up to all a [ __ ] dumpster whatever it is and then women are all like i need a personality and then women start getting horny at 30 whatever and men get a little more like i need a person i need to talk to somebody yeah they flip yeah i'm trying to say as we get older we become better yes yeah they turn into men they get horny they do they just want to get casual sex they're divorced they're [ __ ] ready to go you know i'm with you chris i mean the older i get it's like yes that [ __ ] the peace and the just chilling well you have a good relationship with your girl because it's more of the personnel i mean she's beautiful but it's more of the personality-based stuff it's like so much in common it's like it's like i get like the thing is it's like i get it i i know what it's like to have sex with beautiful i get it it's like if there's no connection it's like ah and it also lasts 12 seconds yeah i get it dude i'd rather jerk off i'd rather [ __ ] a guy that i'm really into am i saying dude what are you doing later maybe you want to hang out i'm doing ari's show oh i'm going to [ __ ] bomb do you have any stories prepared i'm doing i'm doing a very short story that i've been doing in my act see here's this is there is there is there a uh hey is that fair is he allowed to do that i think i the 30 years the story all right is that fair you mean for being prepared is that fair i'll allow it how the [ __ ] is going to be [ __ ] talking me because i [ __ ] worked on my story i'm not sure i'm jealous i'm like i'm my [ __ ] we're we're worried about ours we're going to bomb up there it's like why am i we got to get norman bomb with a prepared bit that's even more embarrassing at least you guys aren't you got to get norman and berkowitz but let me just say you went back uh your adderall hasn't kicked in because we're all over the road i know sorry about that we gotta talk about the fact that we talk about the early stages how horrible that was how hard it was driving to delaware for five five bucks five minutes whatever it is i don't know if i could do it again could you do it again the fact that we were in our 20s you're drunk the whole time you're you're ambitious you're looking for adventure it made it okay but knowing how hard it was i don't know if i wouldn't know now i don't know if it's worse or better i mean it's better because of social media because right you can kind of blow up if you have a decent act on social media but there's no shortcuts in stand up but dude i'll say this we might have been drawing earlier if we started now only because of social media like i agree with you but our act might be stunted because you're just so focused on so you i'm happy it took 12 years for us to start to sell tickets because now i know at the very least i'll give them a good show you know yeah no i think you're probably right i just think uh i think it works both ways where you know well how many people do you see putting out albums two years in and you're like oh what are you doing now you're just showing people how not good you are you're not putting that out there i think i think what happened what happens with with must have happened with all of us to you know to get through whatever 10 12 years of this is i never stopped for a sec i never thought about how hard it was going to be to make it i never thought about that i just said i'm gonna and i never tried to do any tricks i never tried to do like oh maybe i'll get big because i'll you know i know the algorithm i never thought about that i said i want to get if i'm going to get big and popular i wanted to be on the backbone of my jokes i wanted to be on my bits yeah that's what i want i don't want it to be on because i went viral because i you know somebody hit me in the face with a watermelon right i don't want that right you know how we close our shows dude [ __ ] nail me with a watermelon dude i hear you well you did it the right way i mean everyone respects you because of that but i mean it is definitely uh it's a slower rise but i would hope we we stay a little longer because of this that it took i think you know there's some people that i don't know what just fell on there an egg oh is my girl pregnant again that's a strong christmas sperm i shot a load on it nine months but i think when like you know what i remember the degree it must have been like eight years ago louis said something maybe was less than eight maybe it was like five or six but like louie said you don't want to do this you want to do this you want yeah man i mean shout out i also think i didn't put i didn't put like a album out i mean none of us put our [ __ ] out for a while i still don't have an album out i'm putting it out well i got a special but no album i'm putting my first album out how many central next year album too why not i don't know it's just part man they [ __ ] you yeah they [ __ ] i did my half hour special i did my hour special and that's all i have and they never gave you any audio on that no no i'm gonna do it for the first time next month and put it out in a month but but but but we should all re-record our [ __ ] because spotify is just raping us yeah spotify pulled two of my albums they pull you out yeah yeah spotify just it's like they're allowed young [ __ ] is a distraction from the fact that they don't pay their artists they don't they don't pay comics they pay they know why i found out why because when you're a musician you got to pay the the writer the performer and whoever that's a comic is all those things so they'd have to pay us all those those uh and they've maybe there's like a new deal to be had where it's like i don't know because we should be getting paid for that it's like it's like some what we write all our own material like you know somebody who writes a script they get paid on that like i'm writing a script but it's on i'm performing that's why we're all doing nine podcasts exactly cookies you're getting drunk at noon dude i'm [ __ ] feeling great right isn't that dude i'll tell you that that's a pretty good martial honestly dude that i feel like i'm a decent bartender here no you are because and i'm sorry i judged you immediately because i was like there's no way that's going to taste good and now it's like dude is that a gin or vodka i can't believe it okay you asked for vodka i did yeah hey man i went on that bottle we would never disrespect the guests dude yeah we're happy you're here happy to have respect no good to have you wait hold on i want oh i did a gotham i did i had like one conan under my belt and maybe like a half hour or something comedy central and gotham called and they said well you do a panel and talk to young up and coming comics i was like look i'm nobody but i'll do it every guy there was like i work a day job i have two dogs there's no way i can do open mics what do i do or how do i get an agent out of the gate and you're like the dogs are worse than the job because the dogs are like are you gonna get rid of the dogs right and i was like you're all you're screwed you're [ __ ] you're [ __ ] and i was like do you want to do comedy yeah i think i like comedy oh you're out you're already out if you're putting this [ __ ] in front of comedy then it's not gonna work you gotta love it yeah you gotta love it you gotta wanna do it well that's the thing is like it's it it's not just comedy it's like anything you wanna do in life like any audience member that's listening whatever your goal is in life just understand the money comes second you have to put the passion first and the money will always come second i remember vividly i had mono i had mono mononucleosis i was maybe 12 years old i had mono and my mother had gout so we were both bedridden wow yeah i remember i missed like two weeks of school and i was watching oprah because my mother watches oprah all the time and i was watching oprah in the early 90s or mid 90s and you know i was my motto dude i was [ __ ] up and i remember oprah did was doing some you know one of her talk shows and she said that she goes she goes and remember she goes remember that the money always comes second the passion comes first the money comes second if you remember that you'll always be successful in life and i remember being a little kid first you know whatever fate like those words just got like burned in my head yeah and that's very true like now i can sit here and it's like you know i'm doing okay like my family has what they want i i have like stuff beyond my wildest dreams and it's like because the money came second exactly i i i i was paying i was losing money for the first seven years but i didn't give a [ __ ] because i wanted to do it but you love doing this i love doing it i love stand up i enjoy watching you on stage a lot because you are very free and you're like yes you you don't give a [ __ ] in the best possible way like you give a [ __ ] but you don't give a [ __ ] and that those are my favorite comics to watch where it's kind of like unpredictable unpredictable but also like chris has levels to him or like yeah he can go on drunk and be hilarious he can go on and be tight and be hilarious like you have levels too you're just a funny person no it's a funny story and the key to you is you're vulnerable as hell like especially guys like us we're very rely on the act we're joking you just open up up there you let it all out and that works well because what happened for me is is when i had you know my my i have two kids now i have a six year old and a seven seven month old but when i had my six-year-old i realized like [ __ ] like not a negative way not like you know i don't care whatever passive aggressive but i kind of like in a spiritual way was like i don't really care what anybody else thinks of me other than my children if my children look at me and are happy with me and i'm doing a good job as their dad that's all that matters so i'll go on stage listen i'm not a guy none of us are guys i don't think you can be hateful and funny there's no way hitler was funny you know what i mean so it's like so it's like when people get quote unquote cancelled or be a real bummer if he was imagining he's [ __ ] ripped like like like hitler terrible person but like he he's pretty witty yeah yeah i know i know you're like going into the holocaust like that was a good joke i killed it he's giving a speech but thank you just for the weather it's nice just yeah but but so i so i realized like you know like i'm not a hateful person man like sometimes my jokes like you know like i'll talk about race or this or that i'm like i'm just be it's always coming from a place of what i want to be funny yeah so i kind of got over the fact of like some people might get offended at that like whatever man like you know i do jokes about uh i did a joke about a kid one of my nephews who had a peanut allergy and all these people who are parents of children with peanut allergies were attacking me being like you're in this [ __ ] like i hope your kids die and all that i'm like whatever man like i i don't i don't want anyone with a peanut allergy to be affected negatively i'm just making fun of my truth yeah [Music] and that's the problem with the internet is you react without thinking yeah but i mean what you're doing is you're trying to put something positive into the world your intent is pure yeah these are people who are like i hope your kids die yeah take a step back before you write that take a step back before you write that in print exactly you psycho put you they just they just go off emotion they just go over reaction and just type it's bad news that's cure that's pure hatred that's the island yes they're mad at you for they think you're being hateful yeah they're actually it's vitriol yes the best thing i ever did for my um psyche i guess and it does i don't do this all the time you know because it's such an addicting thing social media it's just like cancer like a cigarette like i really do think science will look at the internet and social media like you know in 50 years like we look at like cigarettes you know how science looked at cigarettes now like yeah they used to be ads for cigarettes when we were children there were ads promoting cigarettes like i think social media's got like that you know corrosive property to it but the best thing i because there's no way around social media we have to do it right and it works we have to do it to sell tickets what i do though now is i post the thing i need to post for the day and i do not look at the comments i do not worry if it's bombing i do not worry if it's not getting uh enough interaction i don't do it i say i made the decision to post this i stand by it whether it crushes or doesn't and i do not look at it again i don't care what you said so hard to do that because it's so hard to do that though because as comics our job is to edit based on the response so that's very difficult i mean like our acts are like oh i don't care what you think well then you're a bad comic but with social media i get what you're saying it is a different thing you kind of do have to stand behind stuff it's going out to the world not a comedy audience sure so yeah it is different but i get both of your points you're both right well do i agree with him i'm just saying it's interesting because it is with what we do it is a different yeah because my whole thought is like my whole thought has been like you know having kids i'm like what am i gonna do sit here and obsess over comments or not it's like i i i got to feed my kid man kid i got to push my kid in a swing like i i i can't i don't care what you have to say because also the truth is is i believe and this is again not just comedy you know to comment positively or negatively on anything is a psychotic kind of person like i agree 95 percent of people don't just discuss positive comments well positive is good we love you guys in the youtube thank you well youtube's different i mean like on instagram it's like you know i comment on you guys like people i know like this is amazing whatever but it's like if i don't know you're a complete stranger to comment ain't anything on me is like crazy where it's like even the people who message you and like hey you know you've helped me through a tough time and blah blah blah i appreciate it it's all no i appreciate it it's all beautiful i appreciate it i do appreciate it but you have to understand like even that is a level of a mental ill like you don't want to interact with that you don't want to do that at all because uh listen the 1975 are a band that i love they've helped me through breakups they've helped me through i love that great man i've never once and i have you know alex edelman is a guy or a friend a friend of the show i'm sure alex edelman opens for them knows them personally right yes i've never once even messaged them asked for anything because it's like it's psychotic i don't know them right if they somehow if i found out somehow oh they heard this bit of that but okay fine but it's like they're just helping me i don't need you to know that like right but so it's like it's this thing where i realized about the human but if they reached out to you wouldn't you feel good oh 100 i would but they wouldn't because they maybe they're associated with they might well that's the whole thing but maybe they would what if what if they're like hey i like your stuff i think they're just a lot of people too hey uh i loved your thing on that is that okay yeah that that would be cool but they're also like an established band i'm talking you're an established comic you did the beacon not really you know kevin's basically you dude how many stories this guy this is the self-hatred this is the guy who does letterman and those who then goes right to the village lantern i know and you know what else i left out australia i ate 99 cents pizza that was good pizza by the way i used to eat those all the time you think new york's coming back by the way i don't know if you talked about this before but don't doesn't it feel alive again now it doesn't it does it feels almost pre-20 it feels almost 2019. almost i don't know i don't know about that i wish he's the guy who's not taking the train he's he's driving in that's the problem why are the trains empty no they're crazy they're shady right now it's like the 80s on the train yeah but but but that but but that means though that it's going to come back yeah i hope so we're not going to live like this whose case we got some good art out of this hey man think about all the good movies we got out of new york being a [ __ ] taxi driver hell yeah look at dog day afternoon yeah right but hollywood sucks it's gonna have to be some independent [ __ ] on an island i watch power the dog because he's good it's great yeah great movie dude this show was started 20 minutes ago the show we're supposed to be on oh really like check it out we're all popping into aria shafir's uh secret storytelling show and we might be [ __ ] him so we should probably wrap this episode up guys how does this episode come out i'm not sure plug some days chris okay go to chris go to chrisdcomedy.com um i have a theater tour um i have cleveland detroit indianapolis denver um all these places so just go go check it out uh portland seattle um it's really las vegas um so go go to chrisdcomedy.com if there's curtains up in some of the venues it's because i'm sponsored from blinds to go it's not because i'm not selling tickets ah you're doing fine thank you i love you all right we'll jump in an uber and get the hell over to that no i got my car i'm gonna drive drunk yeah i'll drive you want me to all right don't mind i'll do it we gotta yeah i got sacramento san diego i know this coming out orlando west palm columbus uh salt lake uh all that bull the beacon or hopefully we'll sell out soon and then we gotta [ __ ] um a bunch of other shits coming uh brea uh houston dania beach a lot of [ __ ] oh i'm doing that daniel you did that chris you did the floor i like dania is it good i had a good time in daniel man it's uh fort lauderdale is awesome oh a lot of shit's coming i like samrol.com but i'm adding by the day yeah same here mark normancomedy.com all kinds of fort wayne indianapolis uh la jolla you know raleigh coming up vague not vegas uh [ __ ] chicago i've been drinking so uh mark norman comedy out to lunch check out the netflix i hate myself um hey babe chicago too i'm out of chicago i'm gonna shoot a special there so oh are you really exclusive the den that's the cool stuff you're shooting another special on youtube yeah you see he's a [ __ ] monster he puts it out he's a machine i mean hey man all right we'll see you heard it here first folks thanks keep keep drinking patreon get on it we got new merch check it out go gay i love you praise allah we'll see you in hell trump 2024 [Music] up on the roof like a cob's coming and naked samuel is feeling dangerous i'm out to lunch here in new orleans this woman doesn't look like i remember her and i get down in the same [Music] [Music]

Channel: We Might Be Drunk Podcast

Views: 298,084

Keywords: podcast, comedy, humor, standup, NYC Comedy, comedy podcast, drinking, gotham podcast studio

Id: 8Dd2QsgBxQ8

Length: 84min 43sec (5083 seconds)

Published: Sun Mar 20 2022

Reddit Comments

[u/KingWooz]

All 3 of these comedians should be on every mommies radar. They follow proto and are high and tight.

Each of them have great comedy specials or clips that can be found on YT.

[u/SquadleHump]

Never realized that meatball was so attractive, I’m a dude. Don’t be stingy Chris.