Your Mom's House Podcast - Ep. 424 w/ Joey Diaz

[Music] alright here we are happy to be back another week we got some gigs coming up I just added a show in Phoenix stand up live fart Knicks Arizona I'm part of it I added a show Thursday December 7th here's what's going on that week so far December 8th The Early Show is sold out The Late Show has about a hundred tickets left and Saturday both shows are sold out so we added one Thursday December 7th in Phoenix after that it's off to Hawaii going to do the Performing Arts Center in Maui December 14th and the Hawaii theatre in Honolulu on Saturday December 16th get tickets at Tom Segura calm / tour and yeah scoop them up before they're gone gene what about you I'm talking about 2018 now January 12 I'm at the Pasadena Ice House February 2nd 3rd in short Lake titties Utah at wiseguys comedy club February 23rd the Colusa Casino and then March 30th and 31st in Portland Oregon's at hiriam comedy krub so come check me out there tickets at christina p online nice and our great guest today you may know him from going to church regularly and he's gracing us with first time in years that he's been back on our show it is the great Jose Joey Coco Diaz good morning and just to get it out of the way let people know you're gonna be in Sacramento Sacramento the 7th 8th and 9th oh great I'm in the same boat as you have they sold down Friday first show sold out so we got two shows left that's it we were walking the third fourth and fifth oh he's doing shows with wheeler oh that's fine he's a great guy he's great no vote either Observatory in San Diego and Observatory in Santa Ana let's see how calmly country yeah well there you go you know what it is Lincoln didn't do you still get you still get invitations 20,000 quest a week yeah Lincoln say much on Facebook page they had to work with swell do you have a profile on Lincoln din I think somebody actually just broke down and made one for me let's get this show started we're gonna open the show and we'll get into a whole bunch of stuff with Joey Diaz why did you abandon this tent and what are you do you want it to have a home you want me to find you at home guys you're not taking care of it look at me like welcome to your mom's house so we got the the cat lady here because Joey is a cat man you know that he loves cat I do know that how many do you have seven seven he's like he's a cat whisperer like he really connects with cats yeah I love my babies yeah and this lady right here loves cats - she's mad at this neighbor because she's saying that the neighbor is not taking care of the cat [Music] she obviously comes by your house and pisses you off that was your the one that said people should be responsible [Music] she's really upset yeah she's saying that he's not taking care of this cat this is how my mother used to yell people really like over a really mundane [ __ ] she'd be like you [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah [ __ ] [ __ ] the [ __ ] she hated cat she was just kind of other people like all the time and she hated cats there was one cat we lived in an apartment complex used to piss on our art doormat and she waited for the cat to come and she kicked it she would [ __ ] open our door and she kicked it down the stairs it never came back I guess no but then she'd find the owner and be like you [ __ ] you're [ __ ] got pcs or little one my [ __ ] door you [ __ ] yeah well what'd you do Joey does your cat wander in other people's yards no by the house other strictly house yeah I can't sleep at night knowing my little [ __ ] are outside yeah getting attacked by a raccoon or something like that now was it was it a like a thing for your wife to get used to like where was she already in the cat's - in other words no we weren't we were together she had a kidney that was it that was that first started dating she had a kid and did you have a cat already I'm dick oh okay like cats I don't even really yeah I didn't have any idea and then way where we lived in Hollywood there was a lot of cats and they were dying in the backyard so I would wake up in the morning be three dead kittens oh my god Rock so we started saving them and calling different organizations and they pick them up and feed them oh I didn't know how you got in yeah then one by one I started bringing them upstairs and they became you know somebody would go I'm moving in a month I want because they were Siamese it was gorgeous and they go I'm a moving save me one then they call me back and go well my roommate has an elephant so no I can't have a [ __ ] cat yeah yeah yeah so I let stuck with the cold love them that one she is then I found homes for four of them I had five how would you find homes different people different girls guys acting classes whatever and then I moved to the valley with six and I moved to the valley there was one that started hanging around the house just hanging out with me at night I would get home from the store and whistle and it would [ __ ] come to me if I would walk down the corner it would follow me yeah and the owner came through and then she was I can't control her but I obviously you can she pays attention to it and she got attacked by a possum hmm and she couldn't stay outside no more so lady just said just take her Wow she's mean that's guys it's so funny to me like and I don't know why it's like this maybe it's like this to other people cats to me or just it's not that I have any issue of them they're like a foreign language to me I mean like I I don't know how to gauge cats I don't know what to expect from cause I never grew up with them I've never spent time with cats so like to me like a dog feels familiar yeah I I kind of I kind of know what to expect from a dog I know how to approach a dog I know you know I know dog behavior pretty much like having grown up with dogs with cats I'm always like I don't know what what I was supposed to do well cuz it's all their rules I feel like they gotta tell you what's up they tell you what's up right you tell a dog what's up in cat world they have to choose you like what Joey was saying like that cat chose Joey yeah and respects him and then but do they pick a person what's interesting is that it came to him later in life like I would have he was like growing up with cats no but you just figured cats out by the way later my friend growing up out of cat yeah that was a [ __ ] get that oh he was a warrior yeah he was missing him here aha his name was frisky and I still remember one particular morning when you know you get [ __ ] up at your friend's house yeah and you wake up the next day and you're on the floor yeah like I woke up and the window was open we were freezing and he was in the window watching a bird in the tree like making that [ __ ] noise yeah I never heard that noise I never say what's the noise when a cat sees an animal that's he's about to attack he'll make weird noise and an hour later we the mother made us all breakfast and gave us a lecture on why not to drink and you know yeah yeah look what the would look what's gonna happen with you guys yeah don't forget Christina opening the door that bird was in shambles Oh like he brought it to us as a gift yeah then the mother explained she said I don't know what he's gonna bring he shows up with [ __ ] dead cats yeah but that was my only experience that we would cast and then 30 years later go to people's homes they have a cat the cat jumps on yeah yeah they show you infection that's what I call you you get scared and you push them off yeah that's that's part of the fear that I had yeah yeah then it's weird once you save a cat they remember that they they if they remember everything yeah I used to have a friend that go don't [ __ ] with cats cuz they go into the bed and they write it down and they gave you later my wife these cats will come into the house yeah by the time we both needed each other like it was the weirdest thing yeah and when I come home at night I'm doing comedy they're scattered but once I go to your office and I make my notes about my sad and what I got do the next day yeah once I go in the living room and unwind they come out one by one attention and talk to him and ask him what's going on with their world at 7:00 Oh some of them don't come out two of them you'll never see the two girls yeah Lulu Evie Evie lives by the door so I touch her and touch her and the way in and out that's my good luck charm yeah she lives by the door she watches that [ __ ] door I wonder if I would just go into fits of sneezing and like and weeping if I walked into your place because I have like no I brush him I really keep the gander to dander down yeah yeah I've been around cats where I slept at a place in a friend's place crash there for like six weeks just out of college and he had two little cats and like my eyes would just start to you know water yeah yeah yeah I don't know I mean I never like I said that was my first exposure and then they would chase each other in the morning no and they would like run over my face as they're chasing so I have like cat scratches on my forehead like right now you guys have dogs yeah yeah yeah a child you have two of the things that bring you the most love yeah yeah you know you just wanted to leave the Ohio yeah it [ __ ] snowed yeah Saturday you were expected to sell out but then you get the airport the flight was delayed Thompson girl was fly this delay and he was supposed to go to Bert crisis birthday party yeah yeah you [ __ ] get home and you and your luggage is lost and now the uber driver ain't showing up and you walk in your door and you gotta take a [ __ ] and you have all these things but that dog comes up to you that fast you really want to kick that dog yeah at first you want to go you know what do me a favor get the [ __ ] away from me what he doesn't understand now he just wants to give you this elation and I'm gonna tell you something when you bend over and just Pat them all those problems you had that morning you're a human being yeah they just disappeared it's true it's absolutely just go away from five minutes and you pick them up and you pat them and they look at you and for five minutes yeah at Toms delayed we're not gonna make merch party but it all seems a lot better that's 100% true it really even with your child sometimes you come home you didn't get the audition they gave it to somebody else and you pick up your kids you go I don't give a [ __ ] of Ralph's blows up right now yeah I don't give a [ __ ] I got my kid yeah yeah that's what we're both we're both three of us are all prefer to be home I think the three of us are like head our animals and play with our kids and watch you know TV my happiest time in life my happiest moment of the day is when we put the baby down he's had a great day he's in his crib he just fell asleep Tom and I are laying in bed with the two dogs and we're watching some stupid show yeah that's my that's why I live yeah everything else is like I know it's almost like you lived the day to get to that moment right now it's really like you can I feel like that I can feel that clock counting down to that moment later in the day yeah you know like when it's 30 minutes away I'm like oh we're gonna be in bed what I think with dogs watching TV pretty soon pretty no - yeah it's funny how you know we all became as comics and when you become a comic you know like right now me and Tom lost a lot of weight because when you become a comedian you put all your focus into becoming a comedian yeah health they got onion rings at the ball right answer you'll eat yeah onion rings you go back to the hotel room Doritos yeah whatever don't worry it's it's so weird how we've evolved as comedians but at the same time now you like family like Led Zeppelin was great awesome Led Zeppelin the fifth album everybody started spitting out kids yeah now the toys got delay yeah and you know cuz you see the only wait a second I gotta go on the road and do what I'd much rather just play on the [ __ ] floor with this child of course whatever the [ __ ] it is it's uh ya know man I know it's a being home is it's like it's the goal now like you just try to design your life thinking at home as much as you can do the first [ __ ] ten years you just live on the room yeah it's just horrible I mean my goal is to just not first of all to not wear decent pants like I always want to be in sweatpants number one like that's the whole dream and then they'd be home is like to do as little as possible yeah that's the whole goal for me like I want to retire at 50 [ __ ] dogs I always had a really big respect me as a woman comic and I didn't want to say woman comic as a comic because when you were around me I didn't feel like I had to act any differently you know yeah so I was very concerned about you when you had your child you work you know I'm so glad you're bringing this up I was very concerned about you in your career in fact Tom and I had a conversation on a plane that I said to him how is Christine handling this because I have friends like Joe Rogan that they'd give a [ __ ] about the Mars and yeah if the world is flat and look at this animal and I could give a [ __ ] about that I love humans I love the mind yes yes loving human psychology and I love to see the change of people nobody nobody nobody changed more than my redneck you know my wife is at work my wife is one of those people that job is 8 to 5 that's on paper in her world it's 7 so when the job gets done right you know my wife is one of those people that you know she you took a job yeah you took it for $10 an hour you got to do the work yeah you don't like it quit yeah but why you make a commitment they're Americans yeah they're people that my wife had no days off and 10 years as an accountant she never took a sick day never took a personal day she took 3 hours one time when I was doing coke because I got like an 18-grand check and she wanted to make sure to check made it to the bank and that's like coke dealers out it was one of the biggest checks I ever got ever for residual she left she took a train you know when my wife had the baby really yeah my wife said I'll be there in five minutes to help you cash that check and to put in the proper that was the only time in ten years a top at the Walt Disney Center she had the child she had all this sick time she had all this paternity time it was like five months and I could see her going through paperwork at night gung-ho about it and then she had to go back to work mm-hmm and I tried to help her I tried to you know what do I cook Hamburger Helper yeah you know to help with Joella Coco chicken ala Coco chicken cutlets with lemon and yeah that's kinda Joey specialties yeah I know three recipes I think everybody only knows three that's all my wife go for 40 hours a week this gun-loving toadying american who believes in the dollar day you know day's work for a day's pay I saw kind of how it's 2:30 then 25 then 20 and then she came home and they she was I'm just gonna become a consultant and I don't no you're not you're just not gonna work you're 45 this is never ever gonna happen again unless for some miracle God give me another squirt of good nut juice yeah you ain't we were lucky we got this little squeeze and that juice out with all the marijuana I smoke and I saw her transformation so I was always real interested in Christina's transformation yeah I was very interested when she got pregnant how she was gonna react to it and you know online fat do you have the child so now she doesn't work right wife yeah I won't I tell her what's the use yeah what if she came home two weeks ago with some story about a AFI hey if I want for the six figures and she'll put mercy at the caps of school over there and as we were driving one day I go take a look at the one-on-one mercy and then drive her home and then I'll guess who's cooking at 6:00 chef Diaz chef boy a dick yeah cuz I know how to make steak UM's and all I the French fries with American cheese on white bread to stay comfy it stank I grew up on that yeah we all did white trash it I said why are you your transformation was and it's so weird out he's so funny you know I love women that are dumb and one day the uterus calls yeah what's the uterus pause that said that's the biggest call a woman could get yeah everything goes out the window oh that's interesting you say that I was because I thought about that the last time I sat down with you when I was pregnant with Ellis I think and you said to me don't ever become a woman Christine don't ever become a woman and I was like why like what what did you mean by that because I've literally been thinking about it for like two years when your atomic you're a savage yeah you're not a woman you know you're on the road with me I'm not gonna try to hit on you but if we're in a room I'm gonna for it yeah you're gonna inhale it I'm gonna take my shoes off yeah and you gonna smell my feet and it just becomes a part of your life until one day you become a woman and go alright why am I sitting next to this fat [ __ ] talking about eating [ __ ] and giggling at his dumb jokes yeah and smelling his feet this breath because you were a comic tolerated it but one day the universe takes over you like why my sickness is criminal why whoa what is like what is my proof there's a good point now I'm thinking I do it with my life ya know you can damn it you're a woman now who's a mom and a comedian now yet and now you have to balance that that's right because if you you get a nanny and go on the road 40 weeks a year to pursue anything I'm gonna pay for this in 10 years yeah yeah Pennzoil commercial in the pens oh yeah you could pay me now you could pay me later yeah so now you're in a tough bind now he has to know mommy does comedy and it all works out and if you squeeze out ten weeks which you'll be you're gonna walk to the airport those ten weeks you don't say you know like all right honey I guess I see on Sunday those weeks when you're leaving yeah what's he turns four it's like Tom [ __ ] you where's your book I'm running to the [ __ ] Airport and Sunday I'm taking the late flight back you and Joe Diaz with that 6:00 a.m. flight yeah [ __ ] you I'm taking the four o'clock flow sleeping late we talked about this the other yesterday that the thing that's great about the road now when you when you're a parent the really the the moment of it like the thing you savor is that you have no responsibility yeah you're there I'm not on duty for eight hours you really feel like yeah and and what we talked about is that the best part is enjoying the hotel room yeah it's it's watching movies ordering room service in a row and like and and like you know you you have all the freedom to just do nothing yeah it's Friday night yes my favorite night on the road Thursday we got to get up for radio Friday you're not responsible for anything that's when I go back and I cut my fungi toenail yeah and I sniffing my throne behind the beds and you rub out your feet with the thing and you scratch deep into your nutsack yeah you try to figure out why you have a lump next few balls yeah that's Friday night I love that I love it I don't have to get up Friday morning I get up Saturday morning I get the Hindoo eggs again white bread there's always a new people you wake up you go back upstairs and you sleep 21 you get out because agenda lunch a little college football yeah you called Tom how's the baby yeah great oh you have to see that's great yeah I mean look I have modified my life so that I'm not out nearly as much dude it's like I'm out 48 hours and then I'm [ __ ] home dude so you know what I mean like I just don't do as much [ __ ] and you find that you don't need to do I don't [ __ ] need to do Wednesday through Sunday bro like it's not even going down I don't even [ __ ] do Sundays because of you actually Lord's Day that's what I'm saying I'm home like I'm [ __ ] here my kid all my husband my dogs I think you inspired a whole generation of people they should call it like the D a lot of divorces yeah I saw people disenfranchised and really think about what you get on a Sunday I want you to really think what you gonna sign that what kind of piece of [ __ ] okay twenty years ago we got people that padded the room on Sundays yeah who does nobody would come to see us on a Sunday we were opening for Joe Joe would leave on Saturday and I'd be the answer that stays Sunday yeah and try to sell tickets by myself and then ask myself why I was doing it even though I was single when I got off the coke I realized something that no matter even though as a comic I'm still a man yeah and even though I was single and I had a girlfriend I had no responsibility to it there's nothing replaces some they did it yeah ways to Sunday dinner nothing replaces Christine pass the potatoes Tom what's going on nothing it nothing your kid I don't give a [ __ ] what you do Sunday night yeah I don't give a [ __ ] of Sunday night you go to a strip club and stuck your tongue up a strippers ass all right right but there's nothing like Sunday dinner with your family it's true whether it's a girl that you date and that's it because it's not worth the paper yeah it's a little paper you don't get you're gonna lose that girl and ten years from now what are you gonna do Sunday's are so depressing to spend on the road it is it's absolutely worth as a feature act that used to kill me yeah - wait hold the clock show then you missed that redeye yeah you can't buy 20 minutes you always meant like if you do Vegas Vegas yeah and the show starts at 9:00 you like I'm gonna go home there's no flights have to 8:35 they'll leave late Phoenix same thing yeah you got like an early show on Phoenix fan leave early on Sunday night you missed the flight by 24 10 minutes it's worse every [ __ ] airline misses it by 20 minutes yeah that's right I love getting home early Sunday taking a nap by the time I wake up at 2:00 they're alive yeah yeah I got her all day you know we play ya know Sunday is the best feeling especially coming off of work like coming off a shows to come home Sunday have a Sunday at home yeah and I make Sunday dinners the best we do Sunday true my agent he's always like you don't like going on the road do you you hate it I'm like of course I [ __ ] hate it I did it for a decade I've been done the road bro now he knows like but now my deals are better yeah right cuz I'm like I'm [ __ ] doing it dude until my deals are and that's also a joyous lesson yes or you were even moving tickets I remember like we were all you know like lucky to get work basically right we're horse and this is like six seven years ago and no none of us were moving tickets and then I'm talking to Diaz I'm like yeah he goes are you doing Sunday shows and I was like yeah of course he's like yeah I don't do him and I go like how do you not do him because you just tell him no and I was operating from a place of fear quite like how what if you tell them I won't do it he's like then you'd it what if they'll give you the work it's like that you don't do it that's right but then he said it no so much that then they like all right here's your Thursday through Saturday I was like you have to do fashion oh you want to [ __ ] with me I'll book the sons that threaten me with Sunday not take it but I guarantee I go to their own movie that Monday all right I don't have to leave on Sunday and well then you [ __ ] yes I'm not gonna drop Lonnie until Friday Rob Chimel style yeah you know years ago nobody remembers this Rob Gemma had Thursday through Sunday at the improv for like six months of Rob Sherman was hot 98 yeah but they created this show called like how to marry a millionaire or something yeah and guy was a comedian and he was a comedian from the early 90s who used to light his pants on fire that was his opener one opener where do you go after that and he would go is it hot in here is it me you know he was a funny comic a stuff and for the revitalize his career so what the Improv is do they go Vons they took everybody's Thursday away and they gave it to him so shimmer will go okay you know what time shimmer would cancel on Friday like 6:00 p.m. 2:00 in the afternoon oh you want to [ __ ] up my Thursday yeah I'm [ __ ] with you Friday so he canceled on you he did three weeks in a row they never [ __ ] with him again he was a bad [ __ ] man I didn't know he was like that dawg he canceled overnight with the facts she wake up on eight o'clock they get some time for The Improv on Friday sold out shimmer just cancelled it looks like you're at a lining Joey that's the way it is and I've bumped into a man that bought watch and he goes sometimes you got to teach them a lesson and no no no - [ __ ] that dealing with they want to sell you out for money they'll never sell you out for money again he was a smart savvy kind funny guy Robert Schimmel and Hungarian Hungarian you know we live in a we've been we were robbed for fifteen years right you ever gonna check now and you looking at you now remember when we used to ask him for 200 hours more and they told us they didn't have it and now they giving us this check you know whatever we got rot yeah so now you know they said they really would do that did a lot of [ __ ] so now even an old dog gets a warm spot on the sidewalk at one time or another yeah so now you gotta [ __ ] pay the freight [ __ ] that's true and they all complain the club owners like well I mean how come they these big acts they turn into dicks it's like what happened and I go well what happened is you guys treat us like dog [ __ ] on the way up yeah now there's no [ __ ] love left [ __ ] because you've been kicking us for ten years someone you're at the top of the food chain it's time for you to get yours yeah cuz you treat us like [ __ ] for so we learn how to be [ __ ] from my car yeah yeah when you go buy a car now they give you two options they give you when I sold you a car whenever I sold your car I just didn't sell your car I brought you back a purchased number and I brought you back a lease numbers you can see both options yeah we have the same option now yeah you can either take care of us at the club we'll go to the theater across street I won't make as much money as that with Athena but I'll teach you a [ __ ] lesson yeah yeah so you better keep you you sell a lot of cheeseburgers and Joey's on stage everybody smokes refri the Joey Diaz show yeah some don't come to me with there's no gay this left this key this left yeah and I want it yeah and if I don't get it that's it and that's just the way it is yeah I know they they really do [ __ ] you so hard and I don't want people at home to think all these guys are whining no no I want you to think listen it works also when you're a Mason if I could become a Mason tomorrow and I come to Cristina go cuz she don't want you to teach me to be a Mason she's only teach me for ten bucks an hour how to be a HOD carrier HOD carrier is stocking the Mason's knowing how to put 16 bags of sand and making cement and making sure they all have cement they'll give me a raise every six months to another two dollars or whatever the [ __ ] it is but then they're gonna come with time where they gonna go I'm sick jump in and now I'm laying brick and I'm doing everything but they're still paying me the short tenth Yeah right and they're charging twenty two for me right do you follow me 22 on the bit so this happens in every occupation that's right you know not just comedy I don't want it this happens in plumbing yeah where for two years you're getting [ __ ] in the ass yeah they're going Christine how you doing we're leaving you here today and you're like yeah you're in charge of Tom and Joey today make sure the pipes are up while the wiring is pulled and so for two years you get [ __ ] doing that too yeah because he's out golfing and you're gay he's getting things you know that's true it's like any apprenticeship I mean even to become like a doctor right you're broke for the first what decade you're a student you're doing your rounds and then you graduate and now you're a practicing physician I think in our occupation the graduation moment it's not as clear there's like a gray area where all of a sudden you're moving tickets and now it's like and you have to fight for your graduation is what it is I have to assert yourself I mean what's that great story who's the guy on the sitcom he's super famous now Gardel Billy Gardell Billy Gardell yeah he he was talking to somebody and this is like right when he became really successful he goes yeah man those $1,800 weeks am i right like he was still doing them right even as that he was doing television that's right so he didn't assert himself for the raises and for the the graduation you know yeah so so so crazy a Niner and he's like a big star yeah but I mean now he's of course yeah but um good family busted his ass for a while oh yeah absolutely he's a funny guy was always on like the side and he was always put on a good show with a shitty sidekick yeah who would take down the show he had 20 chances he was unlucky yeah I don't remember he had the MBC show with the black kid that was not funny 20 million black people that are funny they gave him the unfunny is black guy everybody's funny his black guy could be funny if his life depended on him so true there are so many funny black people Joey it's very true so so Thanksgiving was a was a blast we had it we hosted at our house we had people over we basically didn't do any work but it was totally worth it scram they outsource to although to the Hindus have them cooked for us and then I did the Wilbur tour the Wilbur the will turn on on Saturday yeah is amazing amazing so super fun thanks everybody here in LA that came out to the show also this is one thing that came in a lot over the weekend was are you gonna 69 at 69 so we did this thing my dad turned 70 earlier this year that's my favorite thing we had a big family reunion and my mom you know in mouth Florida yeah that's when you went too far my mom's Peruvian and she doesn't she's not up on any of the lingo or anything so at this big dinner I asked my mom I said you know dad's turning 70 tomorrow are you gonna 69 him tonight and she was like what she didn't understand so we were all laugh and make and just joke about how you know it just just make fun of her how naive she is right so we told people on our podcast that you should do the same thing ask your mom if she'll 69 your dad when he turns 70 and they've been doing it in videotaping the reaction I'm gonna play a few of them for example the the milestone like it 7 70th birthday right you know when Tracy is about to turn 70 his last night of being 69 years old would you 69 him No Tracy you look a little stone-cold in the face there mom do you think when Danes about the turn 70 do you think to celebrate that's a like 69 Austin from Florida here's Josh and Sarah this is a prayer mom on the night before I check the pops turn 70 years old yes absolutely.we 69 just where you got here [Laughter] that piece of meat was good always [ __ ] she's mortified yeah mom doesn't even know what the hell there's a Riley hey mom mama dad um when he turns 70 are you gonna let mom 69 you like the day before you turn 70 yeah mom are you gonna 69 dad she was funny she got it yeah she got here's Maxwell hey mama when um when Dan turned 69 yeah I'm dead 69th birthday are you guys gonna 69 we even got a Spanish submission oh yeah [Music] okay penicillin celebrity value [Music] [Laughter] what did she say what she said your ideas she said my [ __ ] foot [ __ ] the lips will be too long hanging down covering your eyes just take the [ __ ] lips and put them over your eyes like you're flying on JetBlue [Laughter] you two are gonna be together when you turn 70 are you guys gonna still be together when he turns 70 night before his 70th birthday you guys gonna 69 she goes why does it have to end all people that still [ __ ] you out something about like when you see some old lady what if she was like the most prolific dick sucker yeah you're like you assume like oh she's an old lady she might have been like I used to blow the whole block yeah like guys used to just drain their nuts yeah but you just assume because she's old that she doesn't have any you know sexual history you know but you might well obviously or even my friends that are moms now do I this one friend in college that was such a [ __ ] [ __ ] like just everybody dumped the clips in her and now she's super mom she's got two kids he's always on Facebook like posting the activities again like you were such a [ __ ] [ __ ] like I think of all the jizz inside of her yeah it's gotta be a lot yeah Sonny was the same person now I know but that's the thing is that she's gonna you know a few years later right 10 years from now 20 years from now and one day she'll be just like a nice old lady and someone will be like Oh watch your mouth in front of her and don't say right and then you'll be like I've known this horse and she 18 every guy every guy on the [ __ ] on the block got a chance to ride yeah yeah like when you think about your grandma like she sucked so many days yeah she might have you know she sucked your granddad's dig for sure yeah that's crazy how my friend's mom my friend dad died about two years ago and I talk to him a lot him and I will always take growing up and I always ask him how's your mom he goes my mom's a different woman he goes because my dad was 15 years older than she was and she married him when she was 20 mmm so now he's she wasn't doing a whole folk song and he goes his mom they go out on dates you know the momma like it's complete without this day's all talk oh yeah she's good for laxity she goes went to see Hamilton you know they they have these lives yeah that would be where they gotta be doing something sure him with Viagra and if you got a good heart you're still [ __ ] I just can't imagine what a [ __ ] looks like at 70 and when it would smell like every smells dusty I saw one I've seen an old one I saw one in 84 I saw honey what'd it look like it was pretty it was pretty gnarly how did you see an 84 you I went and watched a surgery uh I was doing this research paper on surgery like just the history of surgery and they let me go to the hospital and then they're like you're gonna witness all these you know OBG surgeries today and I was like okay the very first one they're like we're gonna remove a cyst from this old lady's puss and I'm like okay and they're like make sure you don't talk about it because she's awake you know and I was like okay and then they post you up right underneath her spread legs they under a pit and they go in there there's like a softball sized cyst inside of her and they pop it and it's shooting puss out and everybody's like holy [ __ ] and actually was a good thing that they reminded us not to say anything cuz your natural instinct was just to go like what [ __ ] now but we got everyone kind of but yeah it was gnarly man yeah it was beat up well I've seen a hundred year old lady when I was in high school I did Christian service hours and we had to change this lady for her hundredth birthday and I took off her address and I saw her labia hanging out through her underwear like one of them was hanging out of her panties and they get real hanging the lips get like yeah well what a dick and balls do when they had a hundred they got a really hang over 54 it's no [ __ ] beauty queen no when I was 30 I had a nice-looking dick it was rainy it was tight its veiny the turtlenecks all [ __ ] up now now the balls got a real what are your balls like my balls are just are they in the water are they in toilet water well I've always had naturally [ __ ] big balls yeah yeah now they're just but the dick looks like Frankenstein's forehead from not wearing underwear my helmet on the zipper so I've got a thousand of those scars on my dick I would never show my dick to a young girl yeah we go for 20 year-old said I really want to suck your dick it would be traumatizing for you sure hands bad know suck a dick never mind a 54 year old dick like anybody who sucked Harvey Weinstein's and they really gonna burn him Listerine yeah I think that dick tastes are their heroes God oh I can't wait till he comes out with all the tapes of the women that did suck his dick oh I see ain't that stupid he's creepy you think he's got tapes oh yeah he's got like a young Angelina Jolie drinking blood he really is Gollum no that guy's a [ __ ] nightmare but then again you know parts in a movie kind of worth it so dude do you um do you remember a few weeks ago I played you one of our listeners calling into like this nerd [ __ ] news show all right the dad boners and it going like keep it high and tight yeah two [ __ ] nerds were like keep it high and tight so like it's like a catchphrase from our show and they're calling these two guys and these guys keep reading it on their news show like their [ __ ] make-believe Good Morning America style show it's like a local yeah like these Justin hey guys this is my favorite part of the day watching from work really keep them jeans high and tight every time Justin why he gets you every time yeah okay this is live at 13 ABC Wham where's Wham I think it's in Rochester another guy the left you could tell he suck the dick how do you do you have to get the shirts tailored to be that tight around your bicep is doing that on purpose for sure like that's what Ryan Gosling does - I noticed but this guy his shirts normal yeah and he gets him tailored tight right well the guy on the left wants you to know what's up yeah yeah Justin's checking in from work hope you guys are having a great and eventful day keep them jeans high and tight second time right yeah then let's go back for more Michelle likes your jeans a little short Justin hey guys I love your shirts hope you guys have a great day keep them jeans high and tight Justin we are wearing jeans today and actually his are a little high that's my concern your jeans no not on your waist oh they're a little short kilt um Carmen dad sneaks on Ludd [ __ ] pants on yeah when he sits down it looks like his dick is strangled too in these pants he's got the European tidies honor hungry but nice stuff so we're gonna read you a little line you compliment us we're gonna save your life I will say your line so then okay and like doubly [ __ ] they can they catch on catch on in this next one yes and then they they take jabs at us oh but they do it in like the hacky [ __ ] lamest away so like they don't say who we are but they do here I'll just play it for you it was back he's our guy talk to Justin it's white shirt you've heard about Justin's efforts yes both ties are on fleek hope you're having a great day keep them mommies high and tight we know about your mommy we do we know all about your son Justin not one mommy you got two mommies you got two quasi entertaining people on a podcast I can't let me sit in the basement emphasize a little humor from these comedians yes you know we could be unfunny yeah but we are not know how many gurus we don't claim to be funny we don't profess to be we just are we just write speak for yourself but anyway the mommies do and we appreciate them for the Q&A we don't seem to be funny we don't profess to be no no we just are we don't profess to have any Talent that's right speak for yourself but anyway the mommies do and we appreciate that yeah their show hey it's fun hey it's fun oh these guys are fun yeah okay their style of humor is like make a bridge and get over that's their job their base this is our basement I think that this studio is probably nicer than theirs oh yeah basement that a guy that scored major films built in our basement alright guys you know what you are very funny at wham how do they coordinate do you think they talk they call each other in the morning and they coordinate the outfits probably shirt colors and the ties and stuff yeah I think they probably do I know that that they have like he said they're just naturally funny guys and I feel like the nice thing would be if they heard about how funny they are so what I would get you know what why don't you hit these guys up and and tell them so this is Scott here Scott let's go yeah I mean I've had 13wham yeah Wow wham Wham he's uh he's here we go so he's at Scott Hesco okay AG AG t sk o h TT sk o tell him telling like dude we were watching your your show with Matt you are so [ __ ] funny you're the funniest guy we have I thought I'd new comedy yeah until I watched live at 13wham and now I know what funny is now I laugh you and Matt are too true comedy pioneers you don't even have to claim to be funny we're watching your show and you guys are just that naturally let them know let's lick the mommies on them let them know just remind them i mean tell them you guys are your studio looks great and you're really [ __ ] funny guys so make sure you tell them that they they're hilarious yeah yeah they're funny guys I almost feel kind of I almost feel bad for like they're just there's such boners you know yeah they are they're pretty bad um no but they're doing their Rochester thing and you guys keep doing it man we're probably very funny man jeez speaking of boners we see sometimes people get excited about [ __ ] that I don't think you should get excited about and we kind of called him we call them dad boners like this guy gets excited about you know the trans-canada highway okay just to give you some reference [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] like what do you think of that guy he's [ __ ] mind he's never [ __ ] outside this stationary position if he ever 6090 that lotta time doesn't drive you crazy how but one man's chicken is another man's [ __ ] yeah yeah yeah so you have to look at it from that you know it's like when you take your kid to go see spongebob look at their face yeah their face is [ __ ] this is God yeah you know he's some dude making eight bucks an hour right yeah [ __ ] the college degree you know weird like it is weird what something it's like when people come up to you and go I want to show you pictures from my vacation yeah I don't give a [ __ ] yeah yeah what's the best thing you did this morning that offered me a tour your house I don't want to see your [ __ ] bedroom all right yeah see for yourself living room let's see the TV you invited me over for breakfast where's those eggs you were talking about yeah people want to show you [ __ ] that you don't really want to [ __ ] see that's totally rotten drives me crazy in that yeah I can't see without my glasses so when you show me a picture of your trip to the Grand Canyon yeah I can't see it people have to lie to you people say oh yeah they drive me [ __ ] crazy you don't remember when you didn't have kids somebody sing you a Christmas card we could hate you when the report on the year I've read them now I put the picture that get up on the wall yeah because I hope they do the same to me yeah you know it's so weird how things change we were talking about change last night yeah how we were 15 years ago and who we are today that's why I don't mind getting called out on a mistake I made all right you can't call me out on something I did 15 years ago right because we've all changed in 15 [ __ ] years yeah that you know you want to call me out because when we were shooting a student film Christine in 1998 I smacked your ass give me a break I'm gonna ruin my life because I smack your ass even though you had my pants on and we're talking about how hot your friends say yeah is yeah asses how many times have you gone through a set and people acting [ __ ] totally totally [ __ ] wrong yeah even the women are acting totally wrong you know so that's what's pissing me off about what's going on lately we all [ __ ] change yeah 15 years ago who the [ __ ] knows what I have take my dick out in front of Christine and whacked off no but will Christine wait to see if I've ejaculated no Christine were the left who sits around and waits for come to come all over his stomach if you sit there Christina went away it is bottner Oh Christina would have kicked me in the stomach and ran out of that yeah for a fact yeah Christina hold on let's discuss calmly I really like your podcast yeah Joey I want to show you a little bug under my dick no well you know how many guys I've seen jerk off in public no you a lot no I was 12 well I've seen guys jerk off in church I've seen guys jerk off under freeway underpasses in our blossoms in the South Bay Oh Redondo in front of our in front of our house I parked his car homeless guys in front of banks I'm telling I've seen but but how many of them do i watch and finish to completion [ __ ] 0.0 you know what I'm saying you can turn around and get the [ __ ] out of there yeah or I call the cops I call the cops on that guy yeah yeah it's it's everywhere I've jerked off in my car what is its wife well yeah you mentioned that one time on that great yeah you gotta come down yeah but I think one time on ex-girlfriend call me she's telling me about her [ __ ] all this [ __ ] and I got so hot in the 405 had to take that penguin out and it B is in the HOV Lane it counters a third passenger if the cop pulls me over what is your second passenger right here between my legs [Laughter] Michael Bret do you think those guys 69 the two mastered one of them what's the 69 for sure I don't know he'll suck my [ __ ] like a [ __ ] chicken wings I'm saying [Music] yeah damn this guy here gets real excited about this today we're celebrating something very special my daughter's BFF is losing a tooth in the most glorious and one-of-a-kind ways it has never been done before I've done my internet research okay so this is the plan yes of course this is non-alcoholic carbonated cider in a champagne bottle we are going to remove it tooth by celebrating I don't like it already - okay what the [ __ ] is he doing he's gonna pop the corn si take the tooth out no I don't like this at all that's alright it's nothing why what at the park when they come in I want to pop a bond with my dick the poor dog is embarrassed she's like my dad such a dick sucker I mean he's a total dick sucker yeah he's damn it man he's done some a lot of questionable [ __ ] yeah yeah all the kids like the [ __ ] you talking about I have to say as a woman that does make my [ __ ] dry yeah this is the kind of guy that finds those two news guys funny yeah that's the demographics does he live in Rochester on wham wam I like what Chester do you pretty there's stuff about it you know when what do you like about it it's a cold different yeah I've always been a big fan of Buffalo something about Buffalo I like the people I took a guy on the road this year from Buffalo all year well yeah cool guy yeah the radio yeah yeah Josh Potter yeah you know great guy great guy Josh bother that's right because he's worked with you - yeah I love Josh bonds he's great he's a he it looks like so he was like a young pee-wee Herman picture coughing the movie theater but you wouldn't give a [ __ ] even peewee he'd run off in a movie about anybody if it happened now I wonder if his career would be as over you know I mean I feel like that's nothing compared to today's standards we got a sixth finger - hey hey Hitler's I'm just a black guy that got a jail and liked to [ __ ] I had to stop I had to stop my calm hug to write this email about the question of the advantages and disadvantages of being born with six fingers as a glass and musubi man with six fingers on one hand I can answer this puzzling question we in the sixth parent community do not acknowledge a middle finger also from experience it is not an advantage in the fingering men women Simmons errs but I believe it does add to the experience when you rub rub rub Thanks water champ and Christina machines within please [ __ ] my Triple D [ __ ] wife your boy from the trans-canada highway Sam the Rainmaker well you got a lot of them in there that's quite the know I can't wait sorry I keep thinking about those two dorky newscasters is when are the mommies rain the fury Oh like they have no idea what's about to happen yeah to them yeah I know they're gonna have some fun oh I guarantee we have way more listeners than they do are you cute they have no idea what they just [ __ ] did shutting down their Twitter but to rein fury the butthole research okay hey mommy's I'm a regular [ __ ] to shower participant great do you do that sure you show a lot of pieces falling that you're in there you overcome it what do you mean you're showering and then pieces times you take sometimes you jump in the shower and you wake up late you run away you're not thinking and you're like [ __ ] I'm supposed to take a [ __ ] before the shower I'm gonna do dry off and go out and start from scratch yes no no no you're not around you don't that [ __ ] in and you take the stick and you push it down the hole three or four times but my wife caught me my wife called me one time throwing a piece all right she caught you throwing at one time she caught me with my hand through all this no influence oil yes she did oh my god and and she got upset yeah wait a minute but how do you [ __ ] standing I've never just pop a squat right papa squad the thing and in hotels on the road yeah if they call I'll take a good [ __ ] in the shower I don't give a [ __ ] and it has like those four changes and the beauty of it is the shower has the four things so it's like when you were a kid and you had play-doh another level bro yeah bro I don't [ __ ] around there's no that big shower the Presidential Suite that big hole oh my god yeah on a regular day though but I haven't done it about ten years I'm gonna lie yeah it's nice but if you take a [ __ ] on the toilet do you wipe and then get into the shower or do you just take it alright here's the day remember a couple weeks ago when the plane went down because the guy farted it was really bad a couple weeks ago a flight had to go down if somebody farted it was really bad okay I had the whole explanation to that okay I'm a morning [ __ ] yeah I can't wake up in [ __ ] I have to wake up drink coffee yeah do a piece of nicotine gum that gets the interior going yeah then smoke dope then you smoke right so I open the back door while I'm smoking [ __ ] starts coming out of me so I'm smoking while I'm [ __ ] okay so that's that first really really good [ __ ] of the [ __ ] day yeah and then you go and then I take a shower my ass is tip-top Magoo yeah and I have no other problems if if I [ __ ] this maybe like it's 6:00 and before I go out I'll take a shower to go to the comedy store okay so that's that's that one thing I'm a morning [ __ ] who's a morning strictly no your morning noon night middle of what happens like that dude they got on the plane that day yeah the plane had to be taken down at 10:00 I've been there because you got up at 5:00 you ate breakfast yeah became before you can take a [ __ ] you walk into the bathroom at LAX and there's a tornado oh [ __ ] orders have you ever watched the middle of the men's bathroom yeah it's ten guys [ __ ] no yeah and it just you're like I'm not gonna take a [ __ ] on you then you have the oatmeal you got on that [ __ ] 4-hour flight and your ass at the two hours listen only an animal for [ __ ] on the flight yeah I've done it for emergency shits it's not like a casual so if it's that I will hold it till it's coming out of my hair balls yeah eyeballs before I share on the plane that's disgusting no it's gross it is really what they do the best they can because the suction yeah yeah you know they do the best they can so what do you think happened on that flight he held it he held that he held it and you get those pre farts yeah it's like when you're driving home yeah you drive home you don't need to take a [ __ ] once your [ __ ] processes the exit yes okay Laurel can yeah but you hit violent yeah as soon as your ass your eyes connect with Laurel King yeah it's like two miles now what's your [ __ ] hits the reps there's a magnet on the off-ramp that [ __ ] out of your ass think about yeah because that first light when you're going off that alright yeah you pray to God you go Lord if there's a [ __ ] God please don't let that be a red light that oh my god there's always a real life because that's Magneto yeah pull them that last bump yeah now you're at that light your foots tapping think of that fart that comes out first that depreciate fart is horrific yeah you can't even tolerate it you got the windows open you got the air on it's thick it's warm it's really yeah and once you go in you feel it slipping out of your ass and that's tremendous when you sit and that first 14 inches just drop a little pieces like you know when I was know CIE work-study program and made us go there that's what my [ __ ] like when when you go to the SAP bread factory it's a hole in the floor six by six foot circle and there's a bunch of Puerto Ricans with broom all right and there's three Puerto Ricans with bags eighty pound duck Christine it's all pieces of the cow and the pig the hearts the eyeballs does that you just see them coming down and it smells horrible then you see like three Porto Ricans putting a salt on them and ten-pointer because they sweep it into a hole and that's where it gets processed it comes I love my dog hot dog that's how your [ __ ] is that's how your [ __ ] I don't know I lost whatever thought I had but didn't you recently have a huge [ __ ] you were saying last week when I came from New York it was for Daisy for some reason correctly we take shits on the road but they're not really good [ __ ] I have to yeah it's not the [ __ ] I take when you get home when I walk in that door you put that luggage down and I run to the back bathroom the [ __ ] I took was like a chain when I flushed it you can get a cane breaking like like a bone in the middle come back and I see my wife she went got a snake that came work because I'm always [ __ ] that bathroom up I [ __ ] that bathroom up so good you can't take a shower like that really because sometimes the shower over floods from the [ __ ] I'd taken that back she loves you so much yeah I picked that house I pick a house because of the bathroom yeah everybody looks at living rooms and family rooms yeah if the bathroom ain't proper you're not gonna live right yeah I want my bathroom I just spread my legs out I want a window yeah I want a CB radio I wanna see be on the phone I want my bad I don't know Playboy they have my wife no playboy no penthouse yeah books I want I want I like to I got the bidet in there now oh oh that's a life changer what kind you get the cushy that we got that one here in the kitchen one yeah it's amazing you put the hot water when the hot water hit you that's the best thing and when you open up that thing I mean it really you little leave you would not you can eat off your ass it's like it's yeah and you take some warm the right time I took a loofah yeah you go to Bed Bath and Beyond and you got a big loofah you got a good one but you cut it into little [ __ ] loofas oh that's a good idea I have an L for loser yeah every 90 days I change it I'm sorry wait wait with you you dispose of it one use and gone every two or three weeks after the [ __ ] no but I don't understand how are you washing it Joey listen to me you take the thing and you let the bidet the tushy hit your ass right yeah and it takes all the chunks and fingernails and all them all the big Chicago yeah then you take rolling pay our toilet paper right you wet it first then you massage it this it's clean yeah now to exfoliate the [ __ ] yeah because that's what nobody does everybody washes and wipes but nobody exfoliates the [ __ ] yeah that is a problem ain't a loofah and you take the other one and you just you know exfoliate that little [ __ ] yeah and later on later on when you're driving you look a little drive and when nobody's watching you stick your finger in your ass and you scratch now yes most tremendous it smells like that little oof or like that little clam I bet you join us a really nice because I want somebody like it nobody's ever licked it but if they're ready to lick it no decent woman no woman that's gonna bury her children he's gonna [ __ ] eat your ass your wife is eating your ass on the rag no no but she's not she really should boy we were datin she had eat my ass one time if not I can't marry it you gotta suck the ball suck and just pick up that canal and lick that [ __ ] like the Sun thank you and you have to be drunk to do it like you know if you're not gonna get a single woman to lick your ass unless she's a savage you're [ __ ] the first and that gets WIC and they could smell like Newark they don't give a [ __ ] you got good [ __ ] and I bend you over he's 69 your ass from behind and it's got a Wang to it you think I'm gonna tap you know Christine now you got one either with that way these are real committee should have planned like the other little rocky bunny because we had a debate on this show that this guy was like the only way I'm gonna eat a girl's butt is if it's totally clean it doesn't smell yeah it's like love it doesn't love it no I don't want to eat you push him you come on this show yeah I want you to go to yoga yeah I want you to come back from yoga with those little pubic hairs lost what stomach starting we just went to fight we went to loofah in your butthole [ __ ] it's treachery it's tremendous it's not it smells like a gyro you know Jerry gyro uh heat whatever the [ __ ] it is right above the quick link I gotta tell you this so this guy now you know why don't you Lincoln this [ __ ] I agree with you and Lincoln dense that's a [ __ ] stupid what is Lee people send in some song submissions you want to hear yeah so crazy isn't it and and machines with it so this guy has been making has been like Terminator gun yeah machines but this machines worth in T 16 - 16 - 16 - 16 machines with them machines with this guy wait what do you think what do you think of a song like what do you feel I would think that's a song is t 1660 so much testosterone levels T 16 T 16 nice guy but you can see where it's the kernel of like something good right like it could be a good oh yeah yeah he's on to something nobody yeah I remember I told it once he picks me yeah listen that's a high-level script but don't tell nobody he's looking to be like why go cause everyone jump on it tell a soul but not a soul keep it we're gonna work on it it was that bad yeah yeah it's weird when you talk somebody down from a man yeah but this like he said there's definitely something here yeah so this came in for machines with intake [Music] this is great mushy mushy good [Music] yeah [Music] this is good very good [Music] yeah this is a pretty Sean powers from Johansen Wow [Applause] [Music] the other guy didn't have a studio yeah that's right now you have access to the studio that day that's right Jason from Sacramento did an acoustic version yeah of machines within yeah I haven't heard it but we have some very talented listeners musically inclined people who will take the it's very very nice I actually think that's beautiful yeah so last week the same artists submitted another song this guy it's a dachshund my song I just made on Facebook isn't it drop that Bursa for you crazy isn't pazi first drop that first got the knife crazy isn't it got that knife crazy isn't it crazy isn't yes yes yes this is the same guy that was walking down the street the same guy for best you must be a fan of Telemundo he likes that [ __ ] wrestling best I do first how crazy isn't it innocence innocence crazy innocent isn't incident innocence incident isn't it so he did that strange and then people started sending in their versions that's action my song I just made on Facebook it's called crazy [Music] Firebird that's a variant yeah I think he's right right will some pristine this is a [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] demonic right and there's a last one here this is by Adrienne trap remix [Music] my favorite I think I'm a fan of trap I think your theory is always been right he just needs to be paired up with the right producer and that's what these initial passes are this is the first round of producers that have stepped up yep next week the week after we're gonna hear at different variations on the song just so people know so for this whole week you can get 15% off on my store go to merge method calm slash Tom Segura use the code cyber 15 CY BER 15 you get 15% off everything in the store just glass and bikes machines within the Santa wears jeans hat all that stuff how people asked me about machines were thin guy about his shirt it he is getting money for it so he's we've reached out don't worry about it again I definitely have a check coming to him anyway so go to the store the only thing not gonna be on sales there's a charity sweater it says Santa Santa Claus wears jeans and that all that money goes to Children's Hospital of Los Angeles so that's not on sale but everything else is vinyl all that [ __ ] finals crazy people a vinyl so I think that's about it Jean we have one other thing here and then it's time to go first of all thanks a lot Joey for coming by thank you for having me I can't see the house the baby yeah she's beautiful little boy you guys did good thanks he's a good kid somebody wrote to us I went to the post office as you know post offices are fairly quiet for the most part as soon as I walk in I hear an older lady blaring Church music through her phone while waiting to be when her number was called she didn't turn off the music she just set her phone on the counter while getting help by the employee all of us there were stunned no one said anything should someone have said something or let it pass I really I didn't really mind but it was weird and uncomfortable thanks Jesus Nicholas I think you're insane yeah if you're walking around playing music and then put your phone down and play music through it I everything people are crazy walking around playing music when they're walking around how loud for everybody like we all have to hear your [ __ ] musical preferences I think someone should definitely say something I disagree don't say anything her she's out of her [ __ ] mind oh well you don't know what she's gonna do to you no let her do it and just get on with your life those people are out of she's on another [ __ ] reality dude my respect goes up tenfold for people that say something in those situations I've been in a waiting room where somebody was on a phone and there's one of those office waiting rooms where it says don't use phone and somebody else in the waiting room who said hey get off of your phone mmm I was like and then the person goes excuse me she goes don't you see the sign mm-hmm it says you can't be on the phone in here and so the lady was like hey I think I got no I loved it I loved all that [ __ ] I get it sold say nothing unless it really affects me but yeah yeah yeah when somebody steps up like that I think it's the best man it really gets me excited so go see Joey Diaz he'll be at the Sacramento punch line you only have two shows left you can get into December 7th which is Thursday and yeah Thursday and Friday like the arrow that shows the Late Show probably is one of them so that'll be the a Sacramento punch line check out Diaz Christina P you can see mother inferior on Netflix if you have not yet seen it it's streaming on Netflix she'll be in New York next few days yeah I'm doing the stern wrap-up show on Thursday so if you guys listen to that I'm awesome so [ __ ] excited I'm such a huge fan and I can't wait to nerd out and then she has her dates available at christina p online mm-hmm should come in to shark lake titties certainly support portland horrigan yep and pasadena and then Colusa Colusa casino which i think i think and I did that together my favorite thing about well he had an edible with him before a flight and I lost my mind and he was just talking to all kinds of crazy [ __ ] I thought I was gonna pass out from laughing and we did a Southwest flight together and he goes go sit by the window and I go okay why he goes I'll sit by the aisle there's no way someone's gonna want to sit between some fat [ __ ] and then remember that I finally like started to come down off of this edible when I was like and that was horrible that was horrible and I come down there I go I just I'm amazed at his tolerance and I just can't believe how much you can tolerate like I was really like having anxiety I guess you don't he was like we talking about I almost had three panic attacks and I go dude you don't mind what are you gonna do and then we walk outside and I'm like thank God I'm coming down he was you wanna smoke a joint anything for years yeah he was right back how do you deal with the panic attacks that's why I can't take a lot of you what breathe just breathe do you talk to yourself like don't like yeah you feel it and you're like I chill the worst panic attack as if I eat an edible to have to do something run upstairs or that's when I get panic attacks like something active has to be done eyebrow yeah okay but besides that I'm pretty good yeah well yours so okay do you do an activity to ever like watch TV to calm yourself down sometimes when you're too high I just go to sleep really high I'm too high I just passed the [ __ ] out yeah I get to that level where you just want to walk too deep I remember we got to Colusa I still remember this we got to Colusa and they're like you guys wanna go in the buffet we were like sure but I was still had that like after high where you know you know you're not as hungry as you think you are because the weed is making you feel like you have money yeah so I go to the buffet line and I come back with a salad because I'm trying to fight the feeling of just overindulgence I'll eat myself sick is what I feel like so I I shop at the table and then Joey shows up when he's got like four plates of like they're all different treats and he's like who the [ __ ] are you and I go when he's like eating a salad what are you a [ __ ] for a weekend or something some [ __ ] like that and I'm like what I know I don't want to eat crazy he's like go get yourself something to eat come back here with real [ __ ] food and I go okay [ __ ] the points yeah we [ __ ] the points big-time that the way watching points with two stones we're stoned out of our minds you're the best dude thanks for coming with Kelly great podcast I love the videos I love you quirkiness and I wish you guys member success you're a great couple so thanks brother we love you thanks guys for listening we'll see you next week Santa Claus is black how come you know Santa Claus is Latino Santa Claus is Asian cray cray Santa Claus is black Santa Claus is Latino Santa Claus is Asian Santa Claus is black cray cray in the Claus is Latino Santa Claus is Asian crazy things down our energy Channel and our route it's helpful we make close down Santa Claus is black Santa Claus is Latino Santa Claus is Asian our secret releasing ritual real news for the main montage is black Santa Claus is Latino Santa Claus is Asian great great Santa Claus is black Santa Claus is Latino Santa Claus is Asian Santa Claus is black Santa Claus is Latino great great

Channel: YMH Studios

Views: 788,730

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast, joey diaz, joey coco diaz, mad flavor, church of what's happening now, cats, stand up, comedy, comics, comedians, sunday dinner

Id: wZyvLz8K1mE

Length: 85min 14sec (5114 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 29 2017

Reddit Comments

[u/Sharnington]

"I had to take that penguin out and beat it in the HOV lane. It counted as a third passenger"

I had to stop what I was doing at work and gather myself. Holy shit that had me cackling. Never change Joey diaz.

[u/nigsobrave]

"He never fucked outside the stationary position." - Joey Diaz

[u/meowmgmt]

52:02 for Joey's HOV lane story

[u/[deleted]]

segura looking a lot better with the shaved head and weight loss.

[u/OatyMcOatFace_Junior]

Oh shit!

[u/[deleted]]

This was hilarious. I was crying laughing last night when they were having the shit to shower talk.

[u/crabsneverdie]

People who complain about his stories being obvious bullshit are annoying but I feel like hes been grasping at straws recently (if that's the expression)