Your Emotional Needs Not Being Met in Relationships

I'm Alan Robarge a relationship coach welcome to improve your relationships where I like to talk about attachment injuries and healing attachment trauma and on this video let's talk about our own emotional discomfort when our needs are not being met and this is a very common scenario that happens in relationships and that it snowballs and snowballs and gets out of hand to the point that it's undermining trust and it is actually detrimental to the relationship and what I'm talking about is our inability to handle our own discomfort in our own panic in our own distress in our own anxiety and our own profound disappointment our emotional disappointment when the relationship is not delivering at the level of emotional connection that we believe should be happening or that we believe that we deserve or that we believe or that we know is possible and for whatever reason it's not happening when emotional tune meant emotional harmony the technical term is limbic resonance when we're not experiencing this degree of open and shared vulnerability it can create some mistrust some concern some caution and if perhaps you have an attachment injury which means your nervous system is very hyper attuned to notice the ebbs and flows of closeness and separation and that if you are perceiving that you're somehow not the priority any longer in your relationship or if your partner is not picking up on your invitations to create vulnerable connection we then naturally have a response so yes of course that is normal we have a response the piece we have to be aware of is that if our nervous is very highly tuned to notice the frequency of connection and the frequency of disconnection it just means that we're going to be essentially more on edge or more alert or even at times more triggered when we notice these shifts so this is about the point of this video is how do you manage those shifts and how do you at certain time comfort yourself soothe yourself and walk yourself through the trigger of either perceiving that emotional connection is being denied or if in fact it's very you could lose assess the situation and and and so and conclude that yes there is some withholding or being denied emotional connection even if you can see the pattern in your partner even if you can see how your partner is contributing and maybe even initiated some form of behavior that created the emotional distance the moment it is activated in you in the sense of distress discomfort a fear it could even show up as a panic when you are activated in your nervous system and that now you feel that you are being treated in an unfair way or you're being treated in a hurtful way in those moments that is about you that is not about your partner so we are unfortunately we want comfort and that's not unfortunate but what's unfortunate about it is that we seek comfort at any cost and in a rather clear I want to say cliche but in a rather obvious codependent way to be codependent is to be overly focused on other it naturally makes sense there's this goodness to our mind there's this ability for our mind to problem-solve if you know if we we have some base the intelligence about us we can say well heck where is this coming from you know what happened this happened that happened this happened oh and then when this situation occurred with my partner I'm feeling that there's this emotional separation emotional distance I'm feeling that there is not a vulnerability being shared like perhaps there once was and then it's triggered in my nervous system I'm feeling distress I'm feeling fear I'm even feeling angry that I'm being denied in volle neural connection so even to language it like that I'm being denied implies that the power is in the other person and that it is their job to make me feel vulnerable connected when that happens usually we we shore up we strengthen our focus on the other person and we inventory how he or she is failing us has failed us will continue to fail us and then we conclude that because they are failing us it is their job to fix this and to rectify it and if only he or she was more vulnerable if only he or she would be able to acknowledge my feelings and give me what I want then I wouldn't have to manage my own discomfort in my own emotional distress now what I am talking about is really tricky it's not black or white and it happens contextually within certain situations so it requires a certain level of sophisticated thinking to really be able to look at what it what is the big picture here so I'm not implying that we are to endure being treated unfairly and being with a partner we're emo in all connection and emotional availability is locking what I'm pointing out is that when we notice this instead of taking care of ourselves we usually feel compelled to focus on the other person and to let him or her know that they're lacking you're lacking you are falling short you do not offer the vulnerability that you once did you are withholding at this point or even make drawing some conclusions of psychoanalyzing your partner and saying well obviously you're treating me like this because this is how your mother treated you and now you're projecting that onto me and the same way that your mother did I do emotional warmth and comfort and connection and vulnerability you're denying me that same warm you see you have a problem and if you would go to therapy and if you would address your situation you would be able to give me the love I deserve and until you do this and until you are able to acknowledge that you are withholding and denying me feeling the connection that I want to feel and because you're not taking care of my emotional state and making the discomfort the uncomfortable feeling go away therefore it's your fault and you are lacking you are inadequate so that's the message that a partner is hearing underneath it for us it's a very misguided attempt to try to get relief and it's a very misguided attempt to try to tell a partner hey I'm drowning here I need a lifeline I need connection I need deeper emotional vulnerable awareness and presence and when I don't get it my nervous system lights up and I am uncomfortable I am physically in pain of feeling a sense of urgency and concern and distress please help me in this place but we use your we lack the ability to say that because our partner repeatedly is not hearing us because the very nature of this dynamic is there not picking up on the request for emotional connection and you might try this once in a soft voice you might try this twice in through being demonstrative and and trying to get a hug you might try this a third time by being a little sarcastic you might try this a fourth time by making a joke about it you might try to fifth time by being demanding and really saying I need you to show up differently and I need you to give me a little more emotional presence and reassurance and engage me in emotional commerce so by the sixth time by the seventh time that you've attempted and for many people unfortunately and this is true and it's also sad and it's also telling some of us you know we could say by the 476 time by the 647 time I mean we get stuck where we're trying every possible way to explain to a partner please show up what happens after you do this a dozen of times or so you get angry and you get bitter and you get resentful and you get frustrated so that's when protest behavior comes in and that's when we're passive-aggressive and that's when we're aggressive aggressive and that's when were judgmental of our partner and so then we outright start belittling our partner by directly telling him or her well you you know emotionally are not very old you emotionally are somehow stunted in your growth and you need to step up to the plate so we do it with a harshness and we do it with a demand and still underneath it in our own sense of righteousness because we feel so hurt in our righteousness we can even convince ourselves that we're being honest and truthful to see I'm really blurting out my truth by telling you that you're lacking and you're inadequate I'm really in my truth and I'm being so clear saying that this is the level of emotional connection that I need you're falling short and it's because there is something in your maturity and your lack of development that you have not looked at and you are failing me and I'm I feel compelled I feel a sense of conviction in pointing out this truth now you realize that's an insult and you realize you're belittling the worth of your partner I'm not denying that it's true or untrue and for the sake of this moment of this idea let's pretend it's true so you've picked a partner who is vulnerable who withholds vulnerable presence who withhold emotional availability that - you picked that you have chosen this particular person and let's assume that there's no confusion about love everybody loves each other but see the problem here is that that's what we linked our idea of love and caring that well if you don't do this if you don't take care of my difficult feeling and help me feel better in my emotional distress well then obviously you don't love me and then we're we're sucked into black-and-white thinking so let's assume that yes your partner is very much lacking in this area it is not your job to to be the person to tell him or her that they're lacking the reason is because we're usually many I mean it's a very high percentage and in this isn't research leverage but just you know logically it's a very high percentage many of us are not coming from an altruistic place we say that we want to help and we say that we're you know sharing our truth and we just believe in authentic openness but really what's got what's underneath it is we're still manipulating the conversation to get our needs met you've got to connect with me and like notice my hand you know this is protest behavior this is the temper tantrum so we might be sophisticated in our intelligence we might be sophisticated in our language we might be sophisticated in our ability to listen we really you know offering all these good skills but what's driving underneath is we're having a temper tantrum and we're protesting and we're trying to negotiate a power struggle to say I need more you're not giving it to me and it's your job to give it to me and until you do I'm going to be bitter and resentful and have a temper tantrum and I might not show that to you but you're going to feel it and it will come across in my icy coldness it will come across in my rejecting you at times when you attempt to reach out it will come in time when you actually initiate connecting to me and I will remind you of the 22 times previously that you have failed you know you know I'm keeping score here don't forget that so all everything I'm talking about create undermines trust we are now engaged in an interaction where we are deteriorating trust we are undermining trust we are we are roading that's the word I want we are eroding trust in our relationship and so do you hear the illogical mess the confusion and the mixed messages that is are going to be sent to your partners on one hand you on the surface very overtly and directly or saying I need emotional connection I invite you to step up your game I want you to heart to connect with me on a different emotional level I'm so ready you know I'm so ready let's make this work however the delivery of how I do it will simultaneously tell you that you're inadequate and you're lacking and you've got to step it up this undermines trust this does not make the other person feel safe and this does not make the person feel vulnerable it makes the other person feel guarded and feel defensive and chances are if this person is already emotionally limited in their initiating emotional engagement we can pretty much guarantee that they're there now they're completely shutting the door and their own shame will enter their own insecurity enters their own fear so even though the person appears to be aloof and distant and you know going with the flow and not really you know just not wanting very avoidant I mean this is in this dynamic we're talking about that moment the avoidant the person who's emotionally avoiding they're going to appear to be aloof and they're going to appear to not need to engage but we can pretty much guarantee this what's underneath for them in their nervous system is the same amount of fear and the same amount of distress and the same amount of panic around this impasse is disconnected emotional availability and they too don't know how to respond so as much as in this dynamic as I'm you know pointing this out if I'm the one who's being or demanding and then the other more avoidant type person is now responding through more shutting down if I increase my protest behavior they're going to increase their avoidance and their shutting down and so here that's what we have the classic push-pull the very beautiful the distance err and pursuer dance where the pursuer is saying well let's let's turn up the volume a turn up the volume list with more and more and more and we have the distance er saying nope turn the volume down like I'm out of here like let's just lay low let's just let's just distance let's just let's just you know can we just all get along and sort of go through the motions and smile a lot or the person totally checks out and then they are they are you know physically avoid it physically avoiding their partner not calling just not making plans what's happening for everybody is everyone's nervous system everyone's attachment system is triggered and we're all doing and marinating in fear painful stuff the point of this whole video is that oftentimes when we get in this stalemate and when we get in this paralyzed state of failing each other and eroding trust it is so common to make it about the other person and to believe that if only they had this skill in that skill and went to therapy and did this and learned this if only they could do this then my needs will be not be met the point of this video not so much to reconstruct the you know how we get out of this mess but to focus on the first piece in the puzzle of how we get out of this mess which is focus on yourself in the first place in or the beginning of that means you have to handle your own distress if you're a mess if you're freaked out if you have attachment distress if you have panic if you don't trust your partner that's about you that's not about your partner and to be able if you are focusing if your inventory if you're taking an inventory of how your partner is lacking it can be very helpful to shift that dynamic and say no you're lacking this is about this is about you know I'll flip into talking about myself this is my lack of being able to manage my own discomfort and the profound grief and loss when my emotional needs for attachment and my needs for an emotional achievement are not being met and that is so painful and so hurtful that's about my lack to comfort myself and soothe myself and to manage those feelings it's not about being overly focused on what the heck is going on with the other person and how he or she has failed me it's about how I need to shore up my own skills to take care of myself now in me describing that that doesn't solve the relationship so even if we up the ante here or we up the intensity of what's happening let's say we're actually in an abusive scenario where it's very detrimental to my spirit and my spirits wilting i'm losing my sense of self and i'm just with a partner who i'm not even going to say the partner's abusive but i'm going to say this kind of dynamic is abusive i still have to solve that i'm in a in a in a not so good relationship i have to solve that i'm in a relationship but actually is detrimental to me and still make real world concrete plans around do i stay or do i leave and usually we get stuck looping into a stage really Davers dad we leave and because we are already have this attachment injury this attachment trauma this wound around our attachment system we tend to stay stuck looping in my place much longer than we should and are much longer than other people who don't have attachment injuries because we fail to be able to have our own wherewithal our own agency our own real foundational secure sense of self that says thanks but no thanks I love you I know you care about me you're a good person I'm a good person but this quality this dynamic of how we connect it's not what I'm looking for I need to go thank you so much you know I leave in kindness and I wish you well usually we can't do that instead what we say is I am NOT going to trigger my own abandonment feelings from my attachment injury so therefore I will stay stuck in this dynamic and I will prove it wrong and I am in it for the long haul and I believe in this crazy notion of relationship forever forever forever gets us in trouble if you believe a relationship is supposed to be forever what it means is that you're signing up to you know be an unsatisfactory abusive really you know dynamic I'm not necessarily saying the other person is abusive but this dynamic when we know it's hurtful to us and that it fries my nervous system it turns on it activates my anxiety it activates my distress and I really don't have tools to manage it I just do not have the ability to comfort myself and soothe myself and work on my own relationship skills I'm projecting on to the other person hey partner you need to save me you need to be my parent it's your job to make me feel better and to be okay with my attachment to stress again I'm going to repeat a point that I made at the beginning there is a biological where you know we do actually there certain biological systems specifically around our nervous system our breathing even you know the apparatus of breathing when we're in it when we're tuned or somewhere we're even breathing in the same way like people who sleep together in the same bed I mean think of you know women who get on the same menstrual cycle this this idea that our biology our bodies are able to mirror each other and there is a kind of truth to vend this a biological idea of becoming one and it can help regulate our heartbeat it helps regulate our overall health so we do acknowledge there's a goodness and we can rely on that we do need the other person to co-create a healthy exchange of emotional connection so that we both feel nourished and that we feel valued in this relationship however if I don't know how to manage the painful uncomfortable moment when that is not happening when there is a disconnect when my partner is failing me when I'm failing my partner or just by light but by right of circumstance I mean so many people struggle with the realities of how life leaks into a relationship and what I mean is priorities other people so you know children in the family jobs you know the demands that a job will place on a partner and then one partner feels rejected or put out or you know you know I'm no longer the priority your job takes precedence you know you must not care about me because you stay at the office so late all the time now certainly that you know might be you know that might be a way that your partner avoids you but we're not looking for drawing the conclusion we're looking for the ability to negotiate and stay in communication about it and instead of being accusatory towards a partner and saying see you're using your job as a distraction to substitute having emotional connection with me instead we need to have a softened start up we need to have a come from a place of compassion and kindness and really genuinely have an open mind not have a rigid thinking but real this is this this whole thing I'm talking about this power struggle and not getting our needs met it solidifies rigid mind we get really really rigid and tight and limited and and although our presentation might appear like we're safe our mind is really punitive and our mind is really not allowing there's not too much space here for making it workable we need to be able to come to a partner and say I'm noticing how we spend less time together and we lead we have to lead with our self first we have to acknowledge well how am i unavailable and and I could I throw that out and this is what's referred to as a softened start up we do not begin by being accusatory we do not begin by telling our partner that he or she is lacking or inadequate we do not lead from our freak out in our fear and and we do not lead from Adam and you need to make me a priority you always stay at the office late you come home at seven o'clock and I haven't had dinner yet and I'm hungry and I was waiting for you and now I don't even feel like eating dinner with you anymore if that's the approach if that's how what we're leading with we can guarantee the partner is not going to feel safe is not going to feel vulnerable and it's not going to want to eat dinner with you and it's probably going to it's going to reinforce you know the partner wants to stay home stay at work until 7:00 o'clock tomorrow so we need to have the ability to soften our own protest behavior look at how we're demanding and in those moments we are coming from our very immature place we are coming from our younger self that usually we can think of this is a very younger part of who we are or who we once were in our families and we are protesting we're saying don't treat me like this don't treat me like this I need more I need more it will not help you or serve you if you are so activated in your written and holding on to a rigid mind and you're engaging in a power struggle where you have to be right and you're fighting to get your needs met you're guaranteeing that that's not creating an environment conducive to openness and free thinking and being gentle and kind and compassionate and your partner's not going to want to engage so before you even start you have the you know underneath it is a very valid and good need and desire to have emotional connection and to be vulnerable but the way in which you're asking for it is actually pushing the other person away and shutting the other person down one more idea we also have to think of the other person might not have the skill no matter how incredibly skilled you are in presenting it the other person also might just not have the skill to hear any feedback or to to even be able to engage the conversation again that's the moment where you really have to have a heart-to-heart with yourself and in a very matter-of-fact way not an overly emotional way not in a dramatic confused romantic way but in a very practical the same way that you buy a car the same whether you buy a house the same way that you you know decide to you know invest and you know buying some you know open a savings account is just having like well is you know is this the best choice for me at this time in my life to be in this relationship because this is this is where we're both at in our skills and we need you know everybody we need everybody to get on the same page and to be able to share their vulnerabilities to say hey honey I want to let you know that I feel some panic when my emotional needs are not getting met and I have to work on that and I experience the desire to then tell you what's wrong with you and I expect you to make me feel good and when that happens I'm putting so much demand and pressure on you and I will do this through resentment and I will do this through being passive-aggressive and I will do this by telling you that you you know are lacking in certain skills and really what's underneath it is I'm feeling so much fear in our relationship and I I really need to ask how can we negotiate reassurance and how do we negotiate paying attention to identify that everybody has some reassurance needs and we need to take an honest assessment of looking at where Graff is if it's if we're graphing these in a chart and doing like to wave graphs and one is going to be your partners you know availability and you know ability for emotional engagement and then your ability for emotional engagement and also your design your demand your desire of how much you know the frequency of emotional connection that you would like and then the same thing for your partner and we have to we have to really assess in a very practical practical way is there overlap you know does does it really connect are we falling within the same range of a viable and that's the answer of whether or not this relationship can survive if you both fall way beyond there's really no common ground and you don't have a way for a softened start up to lead with your own lack to lead with your own fear to lead with your own inadequacies to lead with your immaturity and I when I say lead I mean to acknowledge it to lay your cards on the table and if your partner cannot meet you halfway to also do the same well we can say these two people are not compatible you're not going to be able to be in a relationship because you're not even to come you're not even able to come together to work out this level of needs and vulnerability it's a bit of a paradox you need to be vulnerable to work out becoming more vulnerable you need to trust in order to work out the feelings of mistrust and that's a paradox right and most of us don't want to do that we want to stay guarded and we want to have our hand you know it's like well I'm not going to trust you until you prove that you're trustworthy it doesn't work like that we have to we have to we have to be willing to share our mistrust and have enough trust to work out the bumpy moments and the fear of mistrust I hope this video is helpful to you I'm trying to map out some of the the gridlock that occurs in this dynamic and how we so much get overly focused on thinking the other person is the problem and he or she needs to change and the point of this video is to say nope it's about you you need to change you need to look at how you know what degree you're bringing to the table and how are you working with your own discomfort I hope that the video was helpful please subscribe if you like this video more videos like this to come please subscribe to this youtube channel also to give you a heads up on creating a new subscription membership site called improve your relationships it's the same name that I give to my videos improve your relationships but it's rooted in a community it's a social networking platform similar to like Facebook it was very similar to Facebook as a community it's going to be a closed community a limited number of people where we really get a chance to talk about these these ideas you

Channel: Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist

Views: 239,462

Rating: 4.8575902 out of 5

Keywords: emotional needs, unavailable men, unavailable women, emotional unavailability, protest behavior, relationship needs, picking the right partner, couples counseling, relationship repair, psychology, acoa, coda, love addiction, attachment trauma, alan robarge, relationship coach, self worth, codependency, self care, empathy, relationship conflict, love addiction recovery, alan robarge attachment trauma, anxious attachment style, holistic, #selfhealers, selfhealers, psychologist

Id: kp_ahyJFR6s

Length: 34min 56sec (2096 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 16 2017