Chronic Rejection in Your Family: Asking for Change

on this video we talked about the reoccurring feeling of being rejected in your family relationships stay tuned welcome to the new love addiction I'm Alan Robarge a relationship coach and a psychotherapist let's talk about family relationships and trying hoping wanting to repair relationships if in fact you have a history perhaps dysfunctional relating unhealthy relating the relationships were strained or have become strained and it is your intention your desire you want to improve you want to help facilitate better communication with your loved ones with your family members in hope of changing the old patterns and the old ways of relating the purpose of this video is to acknowledge that that change is not happening and that there is a chronic ongoing repeated experience of feeling rejected and I'm also interested in looking at the rather subtle covert ways that this happens in some regards it's much easier to put our finger on or pinpoint when there is a more obvious overt direct rejection and the purpose of this video is to begin to explore the dynamic when it's not so direct it's more covert and that makes it all the more confusion confusing that makes it slippery very hard to pinpoint an additional layer that can make it challenging is that if for the most part your family members are kind and good people and that you have a relatively okay way of connecting but nonetheless something is missing something is lacking and that there is a undercurrent of continually being rejected part of that dynamic or why it would continually be hurtful to you as an adult is that you have consciousness of wanting something to change and so if you went to a family member or specifically went to a parent if you are an adult and you are going to your parent and you're the adult child and you are requesting some kind of change in how you are relating and how the family is relating that the person who has the least amount of interest or investment in participating is the person who has more control so let me repeat that the person who is less invested has more control in the relationship so if you are going to a family member and the example I was just giving if you're going to a parent and you are the adult you're the adult child and you go to your parent and you say I want to change the way that we are relating and that in fact I realize and have discovered that there is not very much emotional investment in knowing me and that in fact historically there has been a repeated pattern of not being seen known heard and understood so if the parent is not on board with exploring this if the perhaps the parent is avoidant or maybe even fearful or does not just quite frankly have the skill the skill set the the wherewithal the the insight or even the interest you know not having the interest to want to look at relationship dynamics in that moment in the dynamic of relating the adult child is you feel disempowered and the parent is going to be the one who has more power by right of them not participating now why this becomes so challenging and that this can be so crazy making and and set you up set the adult child up for a repeated chronic sense of rejection is because you're fundamentally still in relationship and that the by right of the parents not participating in wanting to create change and not participating in raising consciousness and raising awareness that we collectively can come together and to create some healthier ways of relating if in fact the parent is avoidant and not participating one reason why this will create a continued sense of chronic rejection and distress and discomfort is because you are going to repeatedly be denied emotional connection and yet invited to stay in connection so let me repeat that you're going to be denied emotional connection and yet there will be an expectation for you to accept that the situation is okay as is and that you will respond and engage in emotional relating even though simultaneously you're being denied emotional relating so I hope you can even hear and how I explained it in this moment that it even begins to sound a little confusing and that it is you know quite honestly crazy-making so that the adult child has this profound desire to say let's come to a place of openness and disclosure and a shared awareness of changing the relationship dynamic and the parent most often will hear as a judgment of being inadequate and the parent will oftentimes then feel more wounded or disrespected or that their parenting is being called into question and then at that point the adult child is needing to have sensitivity around how the parent feels hurt but in fact the adult child is not coming from that place of wanting to hurt the parent it's actually coming from a place of goodness it's coming from a place of invitation it's coming from a place of reaching out a hand and and let's join each other what's not happening is an emotional exchange where the adult child is being seen known heard or understood and it's very possible from a adult place of relating it's very possible from an adult place of maturity that the adult child needs to accept this reality and say well there are just some limitations here and this is this is definitely sad I do not want this to be the nature and state of affairs in my relationship with my parents however I need to accept that that's the way it is so initially that sounds reasonable initially that sounds like working with some real world disappointment working with some existential disappointment working with the realities that we just might never have an emotionally close and an emotionally reciprocated relationship with our parent or with our parents the reason why this is unsustainable and this does not work to place all of the onus and responsibility on the adult child to just accept the limitation it's because it's this limitation itself that has created an attachment injury and it's this limitation from the past to have a history where there was a reoccurring experience of not being seen known heard or understood so that when the adult child finally is able to say hey I would like to change this dynamic I would like us to undo what we have been doing for 30 years 35 years 40 years the adult parent usually is not the one who feels like they're missing out because if they have been emotionally divested or emotionally guarded or emotionally not fully engaging from their point of view the relationship is totally fine from their point of view they're getting their relationship needs met and any additional demand is seen as just that it's seen as a demand now oftentimes when people feel there is a demand being placed on them they become defensive so you might notice that your parent becomes defensive and there can be a whole series of very sophisticated deflections and dismissals rather sophisticated ways to disconnect and did them tend to deny this invitation for better relating one of those dismissals is what I have already said to to point out to the adult child that he or she is not accepting the situation as it is another one will be to call into question the level of need and to to say well this is about you this is about you as the adult child and that you have this your needs to request this emotional connection is actually suspect or out of balance or inappropriate and that you need to take care of that yourself on your own outside of any family relating and that if you could find meaningful relationships outside of the family then you would not need to request having a different relationship with a parent the reason why this is a chronic rejection that is hurtful and is utterly crazy-making is because it links back to the original history that is still unresolved so the whole the the original the impetus the the drive and desire to even have the courage to speak up and to say I noticed that the way that we're relating actually has some limitation and I would like to experiment with changing that limitation or removing that limitation that is an expression an attempt to rework or undo the old pattern that has been playing out for some time so it is an expression it is an invitation for healing and if the parent does not engage does not acknowledge that will not enter that place not only is it a experienced as a rejection in the present moment a rejection in your current adult-to-adult relating but it's going to link back to a history and the cumulative years and the pain of not really being in an emotional connection with a parent or an emotionally reciprocated relationship where you feel seen known heard and understood where there is emotional validation emotional tune meant emotional mirroring so if you ask for this type of change and connection and the parent looks at you like you have two heads or you're a Martian or you are asking for something so outlandish you might even find yourself in a position where you want to explain this where you want to try to explain the dynamic and essentially that's going to be putting you in a position to explain why you're worthy you have to explain why you're worthy of having emotional connection you have to explain the value of emotional connection you have to explain what emotional connection feels like you have to give examples of how you observe and notice when emotional connection is absent and usually when you're doing this along the way you most often because the parents not fully participating you will receive judgment you will receive obstacle you will you will receive more call into question the validity of what you're asking for and so can you even hear the set up the craziness or it's crazy making the word I also use is demoralizing it just feels incredibly demoralizing to have to explain to a family member to have to explain to a parent or parents your value and worth to be connected with emotionally and that you are making the request to say please connect with me differently let's learn different skills and you have to prove not only the value of you being worthy of connection but you have to explain the bigger reason for what is emotional relating now often times if you're working with a parent who has a kind of avoidant attachment style and is engaging in a kind of avoidant behaviors of not wanting to emotionally reveal themselves not wanting to emotionally connect with you on that level not wanting to emotionally increase the level of consciousness around these types of dynamics you're going to experience that as a distancing and a shutting down and what happens is the same thing that happens in any kind of distance or pursuer relating any type of push-pull relating you're probably going to find yourself engaging in protest behavior have a temper tantrum you're going to jump up and down you're going to yell you might raise your voice you might be difficult you might have a kind of pursuing relentless need to say pay attention pay attention let's talk about this let's talk about this what's going on and if you are rejected enough if you are turned down enough then of course you are going to respond in the opposite way which you're going to withdraw you're going to shut down and in some sense that's what the parent wants because that maintains the distance and that lets the parent off the hook to actually want to engage or to challenge him or herself to engage in a different level however it's this chronic shutdown this repeated shutdown of requesting your needs working well you know whatever angle you possibly could come up with to say well maybe if I explain it this way maybe if I offer this explanation maybe if I approach it approach the conversation from this format or with a little different tone in my voice and if there is a repeated denial or is shutting down a withdrawal from the parent who's not going to participate and finally you realize you conclude that this is not going to change you give up so when you give up and you shut down and you withdraw you realize it's not over this is the problem here what's not over is you're still in relationship with the parent and you are still having this profound experience of unmet relational needs but yet you are still expected to pretend to stay in fantasy that you are in relationship with this parent even though it is wildly hurtful to you because in a way you have to shut yourself off you have to deny yourself so this is incredibly confusing and it also means that you are invited to enter a fake relationship relating he's going to feel once removed relating it has often been described like you are you are living between a sheet of glass the world is happening around you and and there's this glass between you and you're just looking out but there's not actual connection and warmth and emotional attunement taking place it's more of a kind it's a kind of going through the motions relating now on top of this again when I mentioned at the beginning of the video we're looking at these very subtle covert behaviors as opposed to over behaviors and an overt behavior would be a parent who is very easily rejecting it's obvious that the parents not participating the the overt behaviors is that the the parent who is participating some the parent wants to you know what would in general hope that there's an emotional connection with their adult child but certainly not interested in really creating any real change so that can also be confusing because it will simulate or appear that the parent has these skills and that they're being withheld it will appear that there is emotional awareness possible it will appear that there is emotional attainment possible you know because the parent is fundamentally kind because the parent is fundamentally a good person just because the parent fundamentally isn't is a okay good enough parent that it will be profoundly confusing and crazy-making as to why can't we have a also more enriched deeper sense of emotional exchange where we can get to know each other as two adults relating now something that that is influenced here has to do with generations there's a generational history depending on of course what culture that you come from but I'm assuming a bit more in in the North American culture that historically parents of a certain age were raised with a both in their family there was a kind of rule and there was a cultural rule which said children are to be seen and not heard and if you hear that really profoundly I'm going to go as far as they even an abusive statement that if you deny children being heard and you promote that they are only to be seen you are telling them that they have no voice and that was a component of parenting within a certain period of time within a certain generation and the generations that followed culturally there was a shift where children want to be in a bit more of a deeper emotional connection with their parent or maybe even the parent also wants that but the parent doesn't know how to change that role based upon how she or he or she was raised and so there's a a lip-service a general support of wanting to connect emotionally however historically the parent did not have that experience with his or her parent and then now generationally there's the adult child saying well let's let's do something different let's do something that you never had yourself again it comes back to willingness the parent would fundamentally have to see the value in doing this and if he or she doesn't then they're not going to participate and when that happens the child the adult child will feel rejected again and that rejection will go unacknowledged so the adult child is expected to keep that rejection in private and to manage that on his or her own in his or her life outside of the family and to essentially it's like in the phrase you know being closeted is to to closet that rejection and to not make mention of it and nonetheless so that type of experience of being emotionally rejected undermines trust undermine safety undermines comfort undermines a sense of closeness and yet the adult child in the family system is expected to play the role and to engage as if there is trust as if there is closeness as if there is emotional safety so do you hear already and as I've mapped it out this incredible internal disconnect this incredible conflict is in congruence between these different competing parts of knowing that the parent generally is a good parent and a nice parent and that the invitation has been made to create some more emotional connection and openness and to evolve an emotional tune meant and when that is denied that is going then the child the adult child sense of feeling safe and connected and having a bond with their parent is going to be compromised so even if the child the adult child brings that up and saying well hey wait a minute I I don't I don't this isn't this doesn't feel good this isn't safe this this is it's not enjoyable to go through life feeling like that your sense of connection with your parent is now compromised and that there's a low-level subtle reoccurring chronic rejection because I would like to evolve in our levels of maturity for emotional connection and that's not going to happen and yet the rejection that's occurring will not be acknowledged and you have to keep that to yourself that's private you have to work with that on yours on your own but yet still show up in the family system as if everything's fine as if you're in relationship as if you've somehow made this all work privately on your own and then that's what that's what happens when people are fake that's what happens when people are just nice and that's what happens when family members just smile and talk about the weather and talk about topical things and talk about events and chronology but there's not an investment in finding out oh really who are you and what's going on and tell me more about your inner world and tell me more about your likes and your dislikes and also to have that invited more back and forth again I'm going to repeat that generational piece that it's very possible that some parents just quite frankly don't want this that they did not have it themselves and culturally they grew up in a way that they don't see its value however if you are an adult child who does see that value and you have attempted to invite a different level of emotional connection in your family you understand what I'm talking about that it is painful it is crazy making it is demoralizing it is a ongoing chronic unsettled feeling of being stuck in limbo your relationship your sense of relating will feel stuck in limbo because there's no completion there's no satisfaction there's there's not a culmination of allowing yourself to you know to be fully received so I'm closing with empathy if you have this experience it is painful if you have this experience chances are it's very challenging to articulate it if you have this experience it it is doubly challenging to try to articulate it to a parent and even have a parent understand and then the final empathetic piece is it's possible that you then get labeled as an impossible adult child you get labeled as the crazy one you get labeled as being demanding you get labeled as having expectations that go beyond the scope of what is possible the point of this video the point of what I'm sharing also through this empathy is to say it is possible and it can happen and that your need your desire to have a more meaningful richer emotionally honest and emotionally attuned connection with your parent that is part of your birthright and that is part of being a human being and we must we do have to accept if there is this great limitation and we conclude that no your parent is not going to join you there no your parent is not going to be able to do that and you must essentially live with this loss and to repeat what I've already said living with this loss is not finite it's a loss that keeps going it's chronic because you're still on a daily basis on a weekly basis assuming your parent is still living you're still attempting to interact and engage and relate even though there's this incredible almost damper or a the system is thwarting the system is limiting the ability to create the emotional treatment that you so deeply crave that you so deeply longed for that you so deeply have worked many many hours to figure out if only I explained it this way if only I asked my parent this way if only I show up this way and over time it's very possible that you're going to feel wildly diminished by this experience so empathy to you it is a painful ongoing experience empathy to you and that there is truth and validity to the desire even if it doesn't culminate and that the best we can do because we're still living in that family dynamic that is ultimately toxic that is dysfunctional what I am describing is a no-win situation for the adult child what I'm describing is a no-win dead end dysfunctional exchange where the adult parents limitation and choice to not participate means that the adults out is disempowered and we would assume if this type of dynamic happens in a partner to partner relating if this type of relating happens in a marriage usually the marriage would be full of struggle and strife and we would say it is a dysfunctional relationship and the the people would divorce they would end and for most of us again assuming that there is a foundational relatively good connection and a warmth and a kindness and a foundational love for your parent you don't want to divorce your parent you don't want to leave your parent but this is also one reason why many adult children do not have contact with their family and do not have contact with their with their parent as an adult child because it means the the connection the attempt to relate is limited and that is painful and it ends up being a trauma trigger it's an attachment injury it's an attachment trauma and the reoccurring rejection on the limitation of the interaction is going to be a trigger to link to the unresolved attachment injury that has been occurring for a lifetime so this is just torturous to the adult child's nervous system this is just torturous to the adult child's psyche to their their sense of well-being it fundamentally does not make sense how can I request how can a how can the adult child make the request for a different level of emotional connection and yet be turned down and set and ultimately be told that that type of request has no value and when the adult child hears that ultimately whether the other child totally is conscious of this or not what ends up happening is the communication the messages you don't have any value connecting with you on this emotional level is not a value and you don't have any value you are not worth it you you know you don't matter enough so this is how this dynamic really belittles a person's sense of self this is how this dynamic cultivates shame this is how this dynamic reinforces a person feeling insecure about him or herself because it is a chronic repeated no-win situation and until the parent wants to join you at this other level of consciousness and until the parent wants to do the hard healing work and acknowledge the grief of all the missed opportunities of the attempts to try to connect that did not happen and that also might then invite or mean that the act that the parent is going to have to link to or feel his or her grief from his own or her own childhood and quite honestly that is so daunting and if your parent is of a certain age that has just concluded that he or she is not going to do such healing work they are not going to move into and process or exchange with that level of historical grief that has gone unacknowledged and because there is a shutdown of the unacknowledged grief of how their parent did not see or know or hear him or her then there is no way that the parent is going to begin to open to the grief of the current moment loss that is repeatedly being created in the interactions where this dynamic is alive and strong and doing well and is not changing and is not going anywhere and if you are the add adult child on your end this is going to be a chronic source of pain and a chronic source of confusion and a chronic source of longing and as I already just said it could be also a chronic source of shame and questioning your worth fundamentally we're still the child so if you access the younger self if you access the that younger part of yourself it's it's very confusing so why wouldn't my parent want to know me in the way that I'm offering why wouldn't the parent want to connect with me emotionally in a way that I know is possible and from the child perspective that younger part of ourselves that just feels like an unanswerable question and that feels daunting and that feels crushing so that's back to the empathy empathy to you it is crushing it is painful it is a form of chronic rejection in your family and every time you try to bring it up to someone's attention every time you try to change the family dynamic and you are met with obstacle it is going to reactivate that wound it will reactivate that history and it will continue to add more grief and more loss and more confusion and more crazy-making experience on top of already crazy making confusing painful experience thank you for watching I'm Alan Robarge a relationship coach if you like this video please subscribe to this youtube channel also if you want to discuss this idea as well as other ideas about relationships including attachment injuries an attachment trauma there is a group on Facebook feel free to join that group it is called the new love addiction and I will include the URL right here so that you can join that group and finally to learn more about me please go to Alan Robarge com thank you for watching and I will see you next time

Channel: Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist

Views: 27,417

Rating: 4.9610391 out of 5

Keywords: Relationship, attachment, attachment styles, attachment injuries, attachment trauma, codependency, codependent, childhood neglect, fear of abandonment, coda, codependent no more, family abuse, emotional abuse, emotional intelligence, alan robarge, dealing with rejection, family rejection, inner child, love addict, insecure attachment, inner child healing, relationship anxiety, anxious attachment, secure attachment, #selfhealers, selfhealers, psychology, psychologist, holistic

Id: bVgrZZpnf9k

Length: 35min 57sec (2157 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 21 2016