Ending Relationships - Learn to Leave

on this video we talk about creativity and the art of the leaving or relationships stay tuned welcome to the middle of addiction I'm Alan Robarge a relationship coach and psychotherapist let's talk about leaving relationships very specifically how do we leave what is our style of leaving and can we actually put some effort some thought and create some choices around how actually do we want to leave I once asked this question it was somewhat random I don't remember exactly why I brought up but I asked the question to a friend I asked him how he leaves relationships and he very humorously but yet seriously sad like a cat in a washing machine on the spin cycle and so that image the imagery of a cat and washing machine in the spin cycle I thought to myself you know thank God I don't have that experience in my life I imagine we would call that style of very dramatic style to leave like cat in a washing machine so the purpose of this video today is to really think about we are not limited to that only that one style we might begin to think about what kind of style do you want usually we would we would just explore create different adjectives create different categories of what kind of ways are there to leave a number of people leave perhaps what we call a disappearing style they just exit they just evaporate they go away if you were on the receiving end of that experience empathy to you and we all you know anyone who has any sensitivity can understand how painful that is at the same time we could have empathy and understanding for the person who is the one doing the disappearing sometimes it is out of fear and the inability to be direct and creates an honest closure to create clarity in the goodbye but at the same time oftentimes it's due to being so overwhelmed and crushed and hurt and conflicted and the best thing that that person can do in that moment is to disappear so so far we have this dramatic style we could say there's a disappearing style let's also think about a a bitter style there are some people who become very very crusty and nasty and bitter and contemptuous and difficult and just outright mean so we we we have either seen that person we've been on the receiving end or perhaps you have been that person yourself so that's another style of how we can and there's also the temper tantrum style throwing things getting all bent out of shape perhaps this is similar to the dramatic style of the cats in the washing machine but I think of the temper tantrum style is a kind of protest a protesting behavior of just not wanting it to end we're having such a difficult time trying to make peace with this reality and we find ourselves having these mini meltdowns or maybe perhaps major meltdowns and that also like a kind of there's a we could say a begging style you know please don't go please let's let's work it out again let's go to couples counseling I'll you know it's the bargaining and creating contracts well i'll i'll stop drinking this time or I'll you know i i think you know we should we should get it take a break we'll all get my own apartment you get your own apartment but we can still be together and we'll make it work we just need to take a break from each other and start over and start fresh so there's a ending it's still a process of ending but included that bargaining and that bagging so what I just described here we can think of as a range that there is there's a number of different styles and keep in mind if there is actually a range I've only communicated one side of that range because the options that I share not terribly attractive we have a dramatic style the disappearing style the temper tantrum style the banking style and also the bitter style has been really bitter about needing to and so if we say that that's part of the range on the other side the other side we could think about what's a graceful style look like what does it mean to be creative to end your relationship gracefully what would you say what would you do how would you behave how does your how do you invite dialogue with your partner what do what does it look like to create a graceful and graceful goodbye was also the reasonable the reasonable style many people are unreasonable when it comes time to ending and if you think of that in terms of your style that you in some ways are choosing to be under reasonable we could explore the opposite is it possible that you could create an ending where you reasonable there's also the kind compassionate style if we if we know what the bitter mean nasty contemptuous crusty style looks like what does it mean to end with some kindness to create some closure in ending in relationship by coming from a compassionate person coming from a compassionate place you can still be angry of course you can still be sad you can still not totally accept the situation but you return you make a choice that the style of ending thing and and how you're going to show up is going to be kind and going to be compassionate so we have the cat the image of the cat in the washing machine on the on the spin cycle and that's a rather dramatic image let's create another image perhaps it's a hummingbird with a morning glory and the hummingbird is getting Dexter from the flower the bird is a delicate its image of nourishment it's an image of this very delicate creature connecting with the flour and quite honestly just beautiful so if you think about your style how do you do you want do you want ending to be beautiful many people do not ask that question and we do know however that many people make their endings ugly there are so many endings that are ugly so this gives you the chance to think about how do I and well how do I and with compassion and kindness how do I end with greys and how do I and with beauty how can I focus on acknowledging the beauty of the relationship that we had now one reason why it's hard to leave is that many people crave and desire and once closure and they want participation specifically from their partner we want the other person to join us in a goodbye process we want the other person to be able to overtime work out the goodbye and create closure together let's think in terms of a courtship and I'm going to create the phrase will call it a closure closure ship so if you have a courtship when people meet healthy relationship is not a instant relationship you don't just meet someone and you know by day three you're married and your you know completely together if you have created that just to give you a heads up usually those relationships don't last and that's generally rushing into a relationship so if we do the opposite when we are both article and intentional and over time slowly getting to know someone we are investing in the relationship so it only makes sense that we have a desire we have a need and that it would it's almost like the natural order of things to do the opposite when it comes time to say goodbye when it comes time to divest when it comes time to create closure we're very slowly over a period of time not just having one conversation having 345 conversations very intentionally beginning to distance herself from the person that perhaps we've been with for two years or five years or for 12 years the goodbye process is just that it's a process it does not happen immediately now of course I am aware for some people it is quite immediate if there's been some grand surprise revealed such as infidelity if there's been some grounds surprise revealed such as by the way I'm leaving tomorrow moving to Paris which really would limit our ability to engage another challenge the problem but I often see when working with clients is that we have this need and it's a kind of a kind of naivete or wishful thinking we would hope that our partner could participate and be available within reason but would be available to go through a closure ship to go through the process of saying goodbye that requires a partner who is intentional that requires a partner who is emotionally present that requires a partner who is invested in being sensitive and caring and supportive of you as the other partner and you need to do the same the reason why the idea of having a partner participating closure ship is a bit naive is that if the partner had those skills and or if you have those skills chances are if you can create such an intentional honest closure ship you probably would have the skills to create repair and to address what needs to change in the relationship and for the most part a major reason why the relationship is ending its because you don't have this level of investment from both parties this level of emotional connection that would allow for such depth of processing and in the example that we're giving it would mean depth of processing a goodbye experience processing and ending of the relationship so even though we desire that so much in general it doesn't happen every one wants a relationship and honestly and kind what I have I have yet to meet anyone that says they want their relationship to end with them being hurt and with the other person being mean we we all want endings to we want to survive and come out on the other end end of a goodbye reasonably intact and reasonably self empowered that were able to move on and live our life so we can do for ourselves we can always get on with guarantee with her partner before moving forward we can reflect on that and say well how do I provide that for my partner how can I extend some kindness and how can I practice because it's it's a deeper part of my value system that I want to end well I do not want to end nasty what we realize here when we think about this is that we act there's actually a lot of range and a lot of choice and I i often like to think of actors and actresses could be working on a film it could be working on the stage it doesn't matter in any context was just imagine let's imagine Meryl Streep and this seemed there's a scene that's been written and it's about ending there's a goodbye and she is an actress she is an accomplished actors and it is her job she she makes choices she has to make a choice how was she going to end and let's pretend let's imagine the scenario the way that she and is very nasty and she has a tone in her voice and her behaviour are very sharp and she has these she has daggers in her stare when she's talking and you can tell thats how she is executing her job her playing the role playing the part is she's creating an ending of being very nasty and hurtful and bitter and ending with a lot of contempt and then let's imagine she comes to the end of the scene and the director says cut and then the director says Merrill that's great you're amazing you you do so many things wonderfully however I want to see it differently this time do you think you can soften do you think that this time I want you to lead with your tenderness I want you to lead with your tender hearted missed and if you can get behind if you think your partner the other actor the other person in the scene it would be safe enough for you to be that tender can you lead from that tender hearted menace and assuming Merrill Street being who she is she would very easily be able to say yes I will I will I will put take on that style I will take on that approach of ending so this is a really good example least for me I think it's a good example and hopefully it resonates with you is that what you're looking for is your you're really beginning to think about in created terms how can you experiment and how can you choose how you want to end and sometimes it might feel little foreign because you might not feel like being kind which is something that you can do you can end many ways you just might not end of those ways with a partner and what I mean by this is you can talk this out this is the idea of drama therapy the idea of psychodrama if you're in a group of say you're in a psychodrama group you get to act out the ending and although your partner would not be there you would be able to experience and say the things that you wanted to say and let's say that particular day of the drama therapy exercise or that the psychodrama exercise it was really important for you to go ahead and be the cat in a washing machine on the spin cycle and you know in your body you just need to scream and act crazy and say some nasty things and get it out of your system so from the healing point of view it can be very necessary to take on these different styles you can journal this you can have a dialogue back and forth you can speak out loud to yourself you could imagine both sides of the of the dialogue where you're both yourself and you or your partner also this is the whole point of working with a therapist this is why people see a therapist you would be able to the therapist essentially would be the Sarah get observer or even at times could be a participant for you to have someone to play off of and for you to be able to experience the range of the goodbye until some more like a pendulum swinging all over the place until you find the appropriate style the style that really fits for you that is it is more in alignment with your values and how you actually want to end and not that you're just losing your mind and your crazy and you're angry and your flailing all over the place but in fact that you could begin to to make choices about how you want the closure to go remember that this is an experiment what you can do is experiment with how you want to end in grief counseling oftentimes there are five phrases that come up and I hope I can remember them in this moment these phrases are very important that we oftentimes either mean to reflect on this phrase for ourself or we actually need to say it to our partner I'm angry that's one of the phrases I'm angry I miss you or it could also be anticipation of the end so we can say I will miss you so angry I miss you I'm sorry is really important ending a relationship we reflect focusing like we did something wrong or perhaps you did do something wrong but it's a trend of more generic sorry it's it's an admittance of a kind of you it's a sadness that it's not working out I'm just sorry it's not working all like I wish this relationship had worked out I'm sorry to him say I'm angry I miss you I'm sorry the other is thank you we shared gratitude with our partner again if your partner's present if your partner is available if your partner's listening if you actually can have a conversation and sit down it could be really helpful to be able to say thank you and simultaneously you can say you know they were equal number of parts that were frustrating I pulled my hair out and it was really irritating and I and although I was hurt at the same time I can just say thank you for spending this time together thank you for being in a relationship and then the last thing that we need to say and this is often this is the simple one and at the same time its what so many of us don't have our or our denied it's the very literal goodbye and just just being able to say goodbye again if you can't do that with your partner it's very good to practice and do that with someone else even say it out loud to yourself give yourself the experiences as a kind of ritual to go through the process the difference between grief and mourning is that Greece is your inner world experience that encompasses the whole range of feelings during the process loss how am i relating to the loss and it encompasses both the thought processes and the emotions and the feelings and everything turned together in the groundless news in the confusion the grief is my inner world experience of how I making sense of what happened and how I'm moving through what happen morning oftentimes distinction for an active morning our external events or rituals or behaviour things that we can do that are expressions of our grief so going to a funeral is an active morning it's this this external thing that is allowing us through the external activity of the funeral we are grieving our grief has a vehicle has an outlet has an expression doing any type of artwork writing in a journal painting a picture painter sadness paint the ending paint your anger whatever it is the ritualistic process of the creative expression that is an act of morning so the whole idea here is to be creative with your endings to give yourself permission similar to Meryl Streep working with the director in a way to direct yourself an explorer potentially what are your options and to practice going from my cats in the washing machine on the spin cycle to perhaps a hummingbird who is feeding at a Morning Glory flower so I hope that this video is helpful please subscribe to this YouTube channel if you would like to see more videos just like this also there is a group on Facebook called the new love addiction and if you want to join that group please do and you will be able to meet some like-minded folks who talked about these type of ideas as well as other ideas and then finally if you want to learn more about me please go to alanrobarge.com I do offer consultation one-on-one consultation for anyone interested and you can learn more about me alanrobarge.com so again thank you for watching and I will see you next time

Channel: Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist

Views: 71,805

Rating: 4.8477159 out of 5

Keywords: heartbreak, codependency, acoa, attachment trauma, attachment injuries, grief, saying goodbye, couples counseling, self love, stuck in marriage, alan robarge, ending a relationship, ending relationships, insecure attachment, emotional unavailability, love addiction recovery, love addict, anxious attachment style, how to stop obsessing over someone, how to end a relationship, relationship anxiety help, #selfhealers, selfhealers, psychology, psychologist, holistic

Id: eHH0Ixl6D4c

Length: 23min 27sec (1407 seconds)

Published: Mon May 30 2016