Emotional Unavailability and Being "Nice"

I'm Alan Robarge a relationship coach in psychotherapist welcome to the new love addiction where we're not talking about addiction we're talking about attachment injuries and healing attachment trauma on this video let's explore some strategies that people use who are emotionally avoidant or emotionally unavailable and how if you're on the receiving end of any of these strategies and behaviors it's going to feel crazy making another word is it's invalidating it's going to feel invalidate positive healthy secure functioning relating functional relating has a undercurrent a reoccurring experience of validation of being seen being known being heard being understood yes I get you yes I could participate in conversation yes I could energetically be present and and stay engaged emotionally stay engaged through eye contact stay engaged through touch stay engaged by referencing things we've talked about in the past and bringing them up again just to let you know actually I have been listening actually I know what is going on in your world if that doesn't happen if you're not getting validation the opposite happens you're getting invalidation and the way that this could be experienced in your body is it's that sound of the needle on a record that it just skips in alright you're it's just completely disorienting it's dissin forming the crazy making part means it's confusing in your brain but for your body there's this cut this complete dissatisfaction it's it's a discomfort it's it's sometimes it's literal anxiety sometimes it's nauseousness sometimes it's feeling very ant and unsettled so it's all of these experiences when we are relating to someone who's not participating we're relating to someone who is emotionally absent emotionally withdrawn so on this video and a couple other videos following this let's just break down some of the to notice the B I'm calling them strategies I don't necessarily believe that the person who is emotionally unavailable is very a consciously trying you know to withhold emotional connection unless we're moving in the direction of really looking at a beauty Matt makes and abusive relationships but I'm not referring to that I'm I'm more referring to two people who are coming from a place of insecurity and who are ultimately scared of vulnerability and scared and do not have the tools to know how to connect and relate to each other so one default way is to protect oneself from being vulnerable and to stay very guarded and this is the phrase we understand this phrase you know having a wall around oneself so if you are relating this could be to a partner romantic partner this could be a very good friend this could be a parent this could be a family member and you're coming together attempting to have intimate exchange interment vulnerable emotionally open connection and conversation and it's not happening and when it does not happen that impacts your nervous system because your brain responds it's going to feel like you're being rejected now it's all the more complicated it's all the more confusing when the person who is emotionally unavailable this is all very subtle and sophisticated and covert it's hidden it's not overt and that the person is not outright being mean the person is not a jerk that if it's a family member that this family member is loving that they're there a reasonably okay person they're a kind person but nonetheless you're finding this incredible it's it's that feeling of spinning your wheels it's that feel and if we do this long enough we exhibit what's referred to as learned helplessness we get stuck in a gridlock feeling so to talk about how does this you know what are some ways to identify when you notice that you're being invalidated one strategy and again I don't believe this is conscious I don't think a person is just thinking about this you know behind the scenes but if a person is trying to protect him or herself from being emotionally engaged and emotionally open and their style of attachment is a bit more on the avoidance side one way they will have adopted to stay avoidant is through their personality structure and they've developed a personality that accommodates supporting keeping people at bay and staying disconnected and this could be highly problematic when they are in a family with other family members who do not want that level of disconnect and actually want to be closer we want to create emotional connection and yet it's not happening and when it doesn't happen if you're on the receiving end you feel denied there's this feeling like you're being deny you're being rejected again third time I'm saying it I don't believe it's totally conscious like the person the loving family member who is afraid or doesn't have the skill for this level of emotional openness I don't believe this person is saying hey I'm going to reject my other family member but we have to you know as the phrase says call a spade a spade that's what's happening and that's what what is experienced on the receiving end for the the more the the partner or the person or the family member who is a attempting to initiate and reach out and get more emotional connection so one strategy and again asterisk that I don't know if it's like a strategy that's the best word to use here but the way that this will manifest is a person could work very hard in their person in their presentation of their personality to be very nice just so nice and there is something over time when you're on the receiving end and you observe this that is actually begins to feel surreal and bizarre so I'm not suggesting that then if you want more emotional connection that you would want the other person to be meme we're not taking the opposite of the word nice and saying we want this person to treat you poorly but the niceness becomes a kind of vehicle or a tool to create a distraction from the person ever actually being called out or acknowledged for their emotionally withholding behavior or the fact that they're emotionally unavailable and that it almost can be a kind of overcompensation so that if you are in the position where you are unhappy with the relating and you feel compelled you must say something you would say please please let's connect differently I would love for us to be more emotionally open it is going to be received and experienced as if you're being critical and the way that it indirectly is being pointed towards that you're critical is that the other person will respond with being very nice and this could be a kind of a taking on saying things or behaviors that are just incredibly cheery and I I once heard from the poet Robert Bly when he was talking about growing up an alcoholic dysfunctional family he used the phrase he was recruited to be cheery and in fact he was talking about alcoholic systems and saying you know when you're when you live in a dysfunctional family especially one where there is addiction there are going to be some members who are recruited to be cheery and this is what I'm pointing towards that there's this aspect that when there is stress and distress in the family system some people respond by thinking they need to to come across as good and they need to come across as accommodating and they need to come across as very nice and the challenge is that sometimes their truth gets lost in that where they're not really present or sharing who they are they're hiding behind being nice and for the person on the receiving end who's trying to have an authentic or a more authentic connection that when they when the person that wants more emotional connection bumps up against this nice presentation it's going to feel weird it's going to feel like okay like can we put the kitten calendar down can we not talk in terms of Hallmark cards and can we have a real honest talk about hey let's improve our relating let's improve how we're connecting with each other it does not have to be heavy it does not have to be painful it doesn't have to be about grief and suffering it doesn't have to be about blame and somebody failed somebody it's just simply saying it's like saying let's renovate the living room and if you want to run a renovate their living room you sort of talk about okay what's working and what's not working and for some people it's just a matter of you paint color let's paint the room let's go to Home Depot let's look at these paint chips and let's paint for other people it's really saying like you know what let's get rid of this entire wall let's just knock this wall out because I realize we've never even we don't even need let's just open up the living room to the kitchen you get the idea you know I could go on a little bit more about this renovation metaphor but we jet you know we just want more connection but sometimes we bump up against the very ingrained sophisticated obstacles and the the personality structures that have been designed to avoid connection and one way that people do this in a very sophisticated loving positive way is that they're very nice there's not a lot of room to move in that place so if you identify this behavior it might give you compassion for the other person that you're working with who's in your family or if it's in your romantic partner relationship it will also let you understand why it's so confusing that if they're so nice and you know their intention is to you know that they're generally a kind person how is it that this nice pert that that I'm having or the other person is having this response of feeling invalidated very confusing so I hope the point of this this video I hope that the content here helps us sort through some of the confusion and that you can make sense of this to give you clarity and to calm your nervous system down and also give yourself some some comfort so you don't feel as in validated I am Alan Robarge thank you for watching this video if you want to join a Facebook group of the same title the new love addiction please do you can find that group on Facebook and it's a bunch of lovely wonderful people who are exploring these idea is and want to chat about these ideas also this video is part of a series of videos or ongoing videos and if you want to continue to receive updates or notifications go ahead and subscribe and then it'll show up on your every time you log on log into YouTube you'll see the new the latest in the newest videos that have been uploaded and then finally to learn more about me please go to Alan Robarge com I do work with clients remotely over the phone if that interests you all the information is on the website and again thank you for watching

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Views: 179,514

Rating: 4.8927112 out of 5

Keywords: attachment injuries, attachment trauma, love addiction, love avoidant, acoa, adult children of alcoholics, relationship coach, attachment styles, codependency, codendendent no more, break ups, dysfunctional family, family dynamics, self love, shame, couples counseling, alan robarge, codependent no more, emotionally unavailable women, avoidant attachment, insecure attachment, love addict, #selfhealers, selfhealers, holistic, psychology, psychologist, emotionally unavailable men

Id: Zi5eQHXWjlo

Length: 13min 52sec (832 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 22 2016