Obsessing Over an Ex-Partner - Trauma Mind

I'm Allen ro bars a relationship coach and you're watching one reason why let's talk about one reason why people obsess over an ex partner and let me define what I mean by obsessed the experience of obsessing having obsessive mind I am NOT talking about something that is voluntary so this is very much an experience that is involuntary that is taking over it is a relentless preoccupation so even if you wanted it to stop even if you made an effort to distract yourself even during while you're in the middle of some distraction there could be a low-level tugging at your mind a low-level frustration a low-level reminder of the ex-partner and it could be generic it could be simply the person's name or the essence the thought of them and is a placeholder to imagine that person will pretend that that person's name is Steve and so there's this kind of like Steve Steve Steve Steve what is Steve doing Steve where is Steve I wonder what Steve had for lunch and sometimes it's very specific as in a story other times it triggers a story because something you see or do you see something on TV you hear a song on the radio and your mind immediately gets sucked into imagining what Steve is doing or if perhaps we you know use the name Kathy and it's Kathy Kathy what's Kathy doing where is she right now who is she doing or it could be even less obvious or less concrete so you don't actually have a story in your mind but there's this constant anxiety this constant urgency this constant almost a life-or-death nagging feeling that you need to stay focused on this other person the first time that I experienced this it just so happens my father died in an accident it was suddenly and I was 14 years old and after his death meaning the day after the couple days after and it ended up going on for so many weeks I my mind would not stop thinking about my mind could not integrate the reality of this loss and there was this chronic on-going chatter and for me it was dad dad dad dad dad's dead dad's dead dad died dad died so over the years or shortly after that experience I don't necessarily think that I figured it out in that moment but years later when I really thought about that I called it the death headache I had this this headache from the this this mind that would not rest I could not integrate or make peace or get a break from the intensity of dad dad dad dad dad just died dad died dad died etc etc so I use that as a reference point what I'm calling the death headache to also link to the experience of someone who's preoccupied with a partner and again it could be their name it could you know it could just be something about them but there's this ongoing sense of other other other other other other other it is exhausting and no matter what you do you can wake up in the morning and I usually identify say you know there's there's two seconds three seconds when you wake up and your mind is clear and there's a little bit of a freshness and by second number four second number five if you're lucky you even get it you know ten seconds of waking up and then it kicks in consciousness hits you the awareness of your ex-partner this loss you are grieving you are not in relationship other other other you know what are they doing what are they doing what are they doing what are they doing just thinking a constant reference point as if you turn on the music you know imagine you have this internal radio the the radio gets turned on and it's loud and it doesn't get turned off it's this ongoing constant distraction about the other person now I have made some videos in the past referencing this experience as a trauma symptom and this is the trauma system symptom which would be referred to as intrusion and the preoccupied mind the experience of your mind being so preoccupied is also what's called hyper arousal so in these other videos I took a bit more of a explanation explanation just to say well this is not really about the loss or the grief of this relationship although that informs it this is about a brain that has gone haywire and your brain is stuck looping looping looping looping and usually why we have a predisposition to because not everybody has this some people or relationships and some people are grieving some people have what we're talking about this in a mild form but it usually can be contained it usually has breaks and it stops within a reasonable period of time for someone who has an attachment injury that shows up as attachment trauma and their brain is hired in such a way that the trauma symptoms get activated and the activation has to do with a hyper arousal hypersensitivity a hyper alertness and mix that with intrusion what intrusion means is that the mind does not have boundaries to this content and it just keeps leaking in the you know Mike Mike Mike Steve Steve Steve you know a Valerie Barbara Barbara Barbara Barr you know whatever the name is of your partner whatever the name of your ex-partner or in the case the example of my father Dada Dada Dada Dada Dada it just keeps intruding on my consciousness and on my experience so from that perspective we're talking about working with a trauma symptom and we're saying that this is normal when we were trying we're describing we're making normal something that ultimately is out of balance and I'm not a fan of the word abnormal but in this moment it fits to say we're having a normal response to an abnormal brain function so that when your brain is looping in trauma were saying you know that that's not usually normal brain function and it can be a relief it can be a freeing just to know to be able to name and go oh my gosh this is so thank God I'm not crazy you know this is not some form of mental illness this is my brain gets stuck I also refer to this as the broken record broken record experience of it just keeps looping back around to the other person now that is an explanation in incorporating understanding trauma and trauma symptoms now I also want to add to this and from a different perspective say that one reason why the brain is looping and preoccupied with the other person is because that person represents love validation connection and let's pretend you even had a not so wonderful relationship let's say you even consciously know the person you ended with is not very loving so they're not the best partner for you if you really look at it clearly you can say well of course it makes sense that this relationship is ending I don't need to continue on with someone who's not the best partner for me but nonetheless even though you know that this is not the best partner for you your brain has coded and linked to the other person as the source of acceptance validation love warmth and it is this need this great desire to have some kind of reunion some kind of reconnecting with the other person because the brain is perceiving that you are being deprived and going without love and how profoundly scary is that if you have an attachment injury from your past if this was set up in your family where you were not fully seen known heard or understood where there was some form of being ignored neglected abandoned or abused or also being betrayed in some way you know your brain know what knows what it is like to go without absence or let me rephrase that your brain knows what it is like to to experience absence and to go without connection so when we have a person even if they're not the best partner for us who is the placeholder who is the minds image of potential to getting love and getting connection and the relationship ends our mind having still under the influence of being wounded from the past or our mind still not having been able to make peace from a history of being ignored and neglected or denied connection the brain is going to use the current recent object or the symbol the placeholder the person the ex-partner becomes the placeholder think of dreams think of how you dream when you dream your dream and symbols you dream in images and your dreams are telling you a story and you know how there's a crazy thing crazy happens in the dream and I'm making it up in this moment but let's let's but you know the cacao enters the room and I start having a conversation with the cow or you know I'm driving a car and I'm driving you know through the ocean these things do not make sense but the brain is communicating to me through symbols and through images so in many ways this preoccupied churning constant reminder this broken record quality of thinking of other other other other other the other person what happened who what is he doing right now what is she doing right now I'm longing for her longing longing longing this constant on-going chatter usually means that your mind is taking the symbol in the image of the person and it is linking to the realization that you are going without love and connection so one reason why your brain is preoccupied with other person other person other person is because the like decoding a dream if you decode what the person represents that reoccurring quality is is letting you know I don't have love I don't have love I don't have validation I don't have validation I don't have connection I don't have acceptance I don't have reassurance I don't have warmth I don't have someone there for me I don't have someone there for me etc and it goes on and on and on that it taps into a deeper fundamental place that is unsatisfied a fundamental place that is not at peace with regards to being alone in this world with regards to being ignored in this world with regards to not having a consistent level of reliable warmth affection nourishment connection emotional achievement or we could even use the word love here we don't have a consistent amount of love so instead of the brain constantly saying danger warning I don't have enough love in my life danger warning I don't have enough love in my life etc etc etc or I'm linking this to a history to say danger warning this is a reoccurring pattern where you don't have emotional connection danger warning this is a reoccurring pattern you don't have enough connection emotional connection in your life because the brain is not communicating to you and in this sense mind we use the word mind because mind is not being bad direct with language the mind summarizes all of that sense and that feeling or summarizes that content into the image the symbol of the other person and that's why our brain keeps getting other other other other and again you can substitute the person's name you know bill bill bill bill bill or Susan Susan just keep thinking about Susan Susan again oh look seasons coming up oh I'm on the bus I am thinking of Susan oh look I'm going grocery shopping Susan and I used to buy this kind of cereal and it just keeps going on and on and on and usually what's happening from a more not from understanding of brain science neurophysiological trauma perspective but more from a psychological perspective is that underneath it what's actually getting churned is our unsettled truth our unsettled grief that we do not have emotional connection and nourishment in our life and if you have an attachment injury then chances are that they were perhaps gaps or holes or or ways in which you went without emotional connection warmth attunement harmony and again we can use the word love here so I hope that this is helpful at least to validate your experience of what it's like to have this death headache of the death of the relationship and that in addition to framing this from a trauma perspective we can also frame this from a needs perspective a psychological needs perspective and to realize that the placeholder the symbol of the person that keeps coming up in the mind it represents and points towards the deeper feelings of what is going unmet lastly why is this important why do we want to know this because I can pull the projection off of the symbol and I can realize I need to focus on my unmet needs I need to focus on the grief of my history of not feeling emotional connection and warmth to family and friends and partners I need to realize that if I pull the projection off the person that I'm not just stuck on Susan Susan Susan Susan not really about her or the other person I pull the projection off of the symbol and then I can work with it I work with it by realizing this is tapping into a very profound grief of having a history and a life of feeling disconnected not belonging and not having enough emotional attunement the goodness in that news even though it is profoundly painful and the grief is profoundly difficult to work with it does give you a choice it does allow you to exhale and have a moment where you wake up and you can say this is really not about the other person this is about how I have a history of not having meaningful relationships or I do not have relationships with people who offer a level of emotional engagement that I need to feel nourished in this world to feel validated in this world to feel affirmed and to feel loved so even though all of this content is very painful it is a way to help us take a break from getting sucked into thinking or believing that we are obsessing about the other person we're actually obsessing about the feeling underneath that's too painful to touch or is floating in our subconscious and it's bubbling up in our conscious as the image or symbol or placeholder of the other person but because it is so relentless and because it's a broken record that goes on and on and on and for some people this goes on for months dare I even say you know over a year some people this intensity just the the trauma mind gets activated and you're looping in it and is quite exhausting so I do understand that it is incredibly sophisticated work and challenging to pull yourself off of the projection or to pull the projection off of the symbol of the other person as a placeholder because sometimes you're just so incredibly tired you're so exhausted it takes a wild amount of energy for the mind to continue to loop at this level of intensity I hope that this was helpful this is one reason why our mind continues to obsess over an ex-partner if you like this video please subscribe to this YouTube channel also if you want to discuss this idea and other similar ideas about relationship and attachment trauma there is a group on Facebook called the new love addiction feel free to join that group you'll meet some other lovely like-minded people who are intelligent and have some wisdom to share with each other and then finally if you want to learn more about me please do by going to Alan Robarge calm thank you and I will see you next time

Channel: Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist

Views: 350,742

Rating: 4.8903022 out of 5

Keywords: obsessing, obsessive mind, trauma mind, relationship break up, relationship ending, divorce, obsessive thinking, preoccupied anxious attachment, attachment injuries, attachment trauma, alan robarge, how to stop obsessing over someone, stop obsessing over someone, obsessing over ex, stop thinking about your ex, obsessing over someone, how to get over your ex, love addiction recovery, inner child healing, #selfhealers, selfhealers, psychology, psychologist, holistic

Id: D4N0UDijV5c

Length: 21min 23sec (1283 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 05 2016