Will Reclassifying Weed Help Biden? | How Trump’s Lawyers Keep Him Awake

welcome one and all in here out there to the Late Show I'm your host Steven colar folks it's no secret I'm an Entertainer but I pride myself on not pandering to my audience and I am not afraid to stand on this stage and ask the tough questions like who here smokes [Applause] weed I'm calling your parents well there's good news for anybody who likes duban aoli because yesterday the Biden Administration announced plans to reclassify marijuana easing restrictions Nationwide Nationwide everywhere do you understand what this means it means here in New York it will somehow be even easier to get pot cuz based on what I smell walking down the street I think when you come out of the Lincoln Tunnel they just pack it in your tailpipe now technically this is important this isn't legalization just reclassification presently cannabis is a schedule one drug socalled because for many smokers it's the number one thing on their schedule now technically schedule one is actually it's very serious schedule one means weed is considered higher risk than cocaine and meth that's insane if those drugs are safer than marijuana then why do you never hear of a doctor prescribing medicinal meth Dr uh Larson uh your test show a concerning lack of spiders crawling under your skin I want you to smoke two rocks of crack and scream me through the bedroom window in the morning you can uh just leave most of your teeth with the nurse on the way out wow but uh now with this this new change weed will be a schedule three drug along ketamine and some anabolic steroids yes weed steroids will now be in the same league so get ready for fish fans who are jacked which is now why the question you may be asking Steve why is Big Daddy Biden passing out the fat blunts the speculation is because easing weed restrictions could help Biden boost flagging support particularly among younger voters yes it could help Biden or it could lead to a right-in campaign for dude let's put rainbow sprinkles on the low man crunchy it's sweet uh today today was the day off right Wednesday Today is a day off from Donald Trump's hush money trial which gave him precious time at home to fart at his family now we still don't know at this point if the jury will find him guilty but we do know they found him sleepy because according to reports yesterday Donald Trump fell asleep in court again oh so so the trial for him covering up having sex with Stormy Daniels is a lot like him having sex with Stormy Daniels he he lasts only a few Furious minutes and then nods off Trump has fallen asleep so many times to this point that that his attorneys are reportedly trying a number of different devices to keep them W yes many devices the most successful of which has been nuggets on a string is that a real photo that a real that's we didn't mock that up that's an actual photo of Donald Trump one new strategy is that when the legal team uh sidebars with the judge up at the desk an attorney doesn't leave Trump's side anymore because leaving him alone means leaving him to potentially sleep he can't stay awake if he's alone for 30 seconds this does not bode well for a second term Mr President I want you to know SEAL Team Six as you can see is in position to strike we just need your go ahead and he's falling asleep again tell you what I'm going to draw a penis on his [Applause] forehead wow wow the lawyers have also given Trump uh stuff to keep him busy because now he has a stack of papers with him at all times to go through yes it comes with crayons oh word search I'm great at this I found uh glurb lurb and uh and Word Search now Trump uh he snoozed through some pretty interesting testimony yesterday um we learned uh yesterday the mechanics of how he exactly paid off Karen McDougall and Stormy Daniels and it was all thanks to a new witness California attorney Keith Davidson seen here saying oh God are the books right behind [Laughter] me how'd they get out here in the forest Davidson is a lawyer out of Beverly Hills who offices uh who offers Services ranging from personal injury to STD lawsuits has your junk been hurt in an accident did you slip and fall into a pile of herpes Call 555 penis ow little early little early on the penis out Davidson is a key witness because he represented both Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougall in their legal agreements to keep silent about their affairs with Trump yes Trump's wander and shroom has created a new area of law my son is in law school oh really what's he studying light butt [Laughter] play we we had we had some discussions about that joke backstage okay like light butt play that's a funny [Laughter] word now while Karen McDougall was paid by the national inquir storming was supposed to be paid off by Trump himself so no surprise Davidson test ified that the money wasn't sent by the agreed upon deadline because Trump didn't want to spend the money how cheap is this guy it is days from the election in 2016 the campaign is on the line but still he won't Pony up tell you what ask her if she'll take a coupon I I'll tra I'll trade her silence for half off rug shampooing this this is an exciting day for Trump in a way because he's on the cover of Time Magazine once again with the title if he [Applause] wins answer we are screwed because the interview in the magazine is pretty chilling in it he talks about Mass deportations he doesn't rule out political violence in the 2024 election and when asked about pardoning imprison January 6 defendants he says I I would consider that yes if somebody was evil and bad I would look at that differently cuz evil and bad is a terrible combination no it's folks not many people are both evil can evil was evil not bad no listen up no this is true not people know this Bad Bunny bad not evil some say not even bunny so he could be lying about all of it which if you think about it pretty evil Trump tried to dodge any question at all about abortion by claiming he would leave it up to the States but said he's fine with States monitoring pregnant women so they don't get abortions well then why stop at pregnancy why not monitor women for their entire Cycle open up open up it's the feds it's going to be a light day wow wow not sure how I was holding that bullhorn I'm not sure what I was talking into a Hogie light butt play light light butt play what do you think of that Ed Ed what do you think about what do you think about that Ed you ever have a light butt play what about you duck Trump also assured the nation that he's going to be way better at Staffing this time around saying the advantage I have now is I know everybody I know people I know the good the bad the stupid the smart you can just say good and smart we already know you're pretty tight with the bad and the stupid they're your sons now come on come on yesterday he also called into Fox News and weighed in on the ongoing conflict in the Middle East we have to let Israel complete their war on terror it's a horrible thing but they have to do it and they have to do it fast yes horrible things are only horrible if they aren't done really fast kids I'm leaving you and your mom for my college intern but it's okay CU I'm leaving in a [Applause] jetpack then trumped in an interview on a local Fox affiliate in Michigan for the unfortunately named segment and this is true let it rip I was assured that this was the place I could let it rip thank you for having me on I will not be taking questions at this [Laughter] time Trump later appeared on the show's cooking segment cut the cheese their up to thee minute weather forecast breaking wind and their feel-good human interest segment oh my god did someone slaughter a goat in here we got a great show for you tonight my guests are Carol Bernett and Phil Hogan from The Amazing Race but when we come back Trump's D Pick could it be you stay tune to find out [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music]

Channel: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Views: 1,519,034

Keywords: The Late Show, Late Show, Stephen Colbert, Steven Colbert, Colbert, celebrity, celeb, celebrities, late night, talk show, comedian, comedy, CBS, joke, jokes, funny, funny video, funny videos, humor, hollywood, famous

Id: Bukp16GWciY

Length: 11min 7sec (667 seconds)

Published: Thu May 02 2024