>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANKS, EVERYBODY. PLEASE HAVE A SEAT.
THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I DON'T KNOW IF
YOU HAVE NOTICED BUT WE DO A LOT OF SHOWS.
AND I TELL A LOT OF JOKES AND I TELL JOKES ABOUT A LOT OF
DIFFERENT THINGS, MOSTLY WHAT EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT.
AND FOR THE LAST SIX WEEKS TO TWO MONTHS, EVERYBODY HAS BEEN
TALKING ABOUT THE MYSTERY OF KATE MIDDLETON'S DISAPPEARANCE
FROM THE PUBLIC LIFE. AND TWO WEEKS AGO WE DID SOME
JOKES ABOUT THAT MYSTERY AND ALL OF THE REPORTING ABOUT THAT.
WHEN I MADE THOSE JOKES, THAT UPSET SOME PEOPLE.
AND EVEN BEFORE HER DIAGNOSIS WAS REVEALED, AND I CAN
UNDERSTAND THAT. I MEAN, A LOT OF MY JOKES HAVE
UPSET PEOPLE IN THE PAST. I'M SURE SOME OF MY JOKES WILL
UPSET PEOPLE IN THE FUTURE. BUT THERE IS A STANDARD THAT I
TRY TO HOLD MYSELF TO. AND THAT IS I DO NOT MAKE LIGHT
OF SOMEBODY ELSE'S TRAGEDY. NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHETHER HER
PROGNOSIS IS A TRAGIC ONE. SHE IS THE FUTURE QUEEN OF
ENGLAND AND I ASSUME SHE'S GOING TO BE BE GETTING THE BEST
POSSIBLE MEDICAL CARE. REGARDLESS OF WHAT IT IS, I KNOW
AND I'M SURE MANY OF YOU, FAR TOO MANY OF US KNOW THAT ANY
CANCER DIAGNOSIS OF ANY KIND IS HARROWING FOR THE PATIENT AND
FOR THEIR FAMILY. AND...
THOUGH I'M SURE THEY DON'T NEED IT FROM ME, I AND EVERYONE HERE
AT "THE LATE SHOW" WOULD LIKE TO EXTEND OUR WELL WISHES AND
HEARTFELT HOPE THAT HER RECOVERY IS SWIFT AND THOROUGH.
NOW, PLEASE SAY HELLO TO LOUIS CATO AND "THE LATE SHOW"
BAND. [APPLAUSE]
LOUIS. LOUIS, YOU KNOW WE HAVE THE
STARS ON THE SHOW. WE HAVE YOUR MOVIE STARS.
WE HAVE YOUR TV STARS. WE HAVE YOUR MUSICAL STARS, YOUR
LITERARY STARS, POLITICIANS. BUT VERY FEW PEOPLE HAVE
SUPREME COURT JUSTICES ON THEIR SHOW.
JUSTICE STEPHEN BREYER WILL BE OUT HERE IN JUST A MOMENT.
AGAIN, AFTER THAT, IF YOU ENJOYED THE SPORT, TO TIME
PGA CHAMPIONSHIP JUSTIN THOMAS WILL BE OUT HERE IN JUST A
LITTLE WHILE. STICK AROUND FOR THAT.
FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME
OVER THERE IN THE ROLLING NEWS FIELDS, CULTIVATING THE DAY'S
FINEST NEBARI-GOSHI STORY WHEAT, WHICH I GRIND INTO THE MOST
TOPICAL DOUGH, THEN ROLL OUT AND FILL WITH MINCED KURO-BUTA
PORK, HAKU-SAI CABBAGE, AND KOSHI-ZU SCALLIONS THEN
GENTLY STEAM TO SERVE YOU THE BRIGHT YET LAYERED HAMA-MATSU
MUSHI-GYOZA DUMPLING THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS,
I AM NUDGED AWAKE BY THE PACK OF WOLVES THAT NURSED ME BACK TO
HEALTH AFTER BEING LEFT FOR DEAD BY MOONSHINERS, WHEN I SCRAPE
SOME ACORNS AND SLUGS INTO A DAMP TACO SHELL I STOLE FROM
A POSSUM, THEN COWER FROM THE RAIN UNDER AN ABANDONED CEMENT
MIXER TO NIBBLE ON THE TRASH-PACKED SCRUMBLE POUCH
OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT... >> "MEANWHILE"!
[APPLAUSE] THERE IT IS.
THAT'S THE ONLY PROTECTION FROM THE WIND AND THE WEATHER I NEED.
MEANWHILE, BAD NEWS FOR FANS OF PRICY BELGIAN ALES.
PRODUCTION OF DUVEL BEER WAS HIT BY A CYBER-ATTACK.
OH, NO. I HOPE IT DOESN'T MAKE IT HARDER
TO FIND THAT BEER I'VE NEVER HEARD OF.
MEANWHILE, POLICE IN ITALY RECENTLY PULLED OVER
A 103-YEAR-OLD TRAFFIC OFFENDER. THAT IS UNBELIEVABLE.
ITALY HAS TRAFFIC LAWS? I THOUGHT THEIR STREET SIGNS
JUST SAY "A-DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, I'M NOT A-YOU MAMA!"
I SPEAK FLUENT ITALIAN, AS YOU CAN TELL.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN] MEANWHILE, GOOD NEWS IF YOU'RE
ONE OF THOSE EATERS WHO ONLY CHECK THE EXPIRATION DATE
AFTER YOUR EYEBALLS START SWEATIN.
A GASTROENTEROLOGIST SAYS THAT IF YOUR IMMUNE AND GUT SYSTEMS
ARE HEALTHY, "FOR THE VAST MAJORITY OF PEOPLE, IF THEY
ACCIDENTALLY CONSUME A LITTLE BIT OF MOLD, REALLY NOT MUCH
HAPPENS." EXPLAINS ARBY'S NEW SLOGAN:
"SEE? IT'S FINE."
[APPLAUSE] THE DOC HERE SAYS "THE AMOUNT OF
MOLD SOMEONE EATS WILL IMPACT THE BODY'S REACTION.
IF SOMEONE WERE TO CONSUME A LARGE AMOUNT OF MOLD,
THEY MIGHT EXPERIENCE NAUSEA, INDIGESTION, CRAMPING,
AND POSSIBLY DIARRHEA." SO ENJOY YOUR MOLD,
IN MODERATION. THERE'S A REASON WHY MOLD
IS THE SMALLEST PART OF THE FOOD PYRAMID.
MEANWHILE, IN A NEW STUDY, VAPING HAS BEEN LINKED TO
MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES. WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT THE
BIRTHDAY DONUT SMOKE THAT TURNS YOUR LUNGS INTO POPCORN COULD BE
BAD FOR YOU? VAPE USERS WHO PARTICIPATED
IN THE STUDY REPORTED SYMPTOMS INCLUDING LOWER LEVELS OF
MINDFULNESS, WORSE SLEEP QUALITY, AND HEIGHTENED LEVELS
OF RUMINATION. "HEIGHTENED LEVELS OF
RUMINATION" IS A PRETTY PHILOSOPHICAL-SOUNDING SYMPTOM.
WHAT WERE THE SURVEY QUESTIONS LIKE?
"DO YOU FEEL: A, SAD; B, TIRED;
C, HAUNTED BY THE RAVEN OF TIME THAT HOVERS OVER EACH MOMENT,
A SEA OF NOTHING IN ITS EYES, OR D, HANGRY"?
MEANWHILE, MIRIAM MARGOLYES, WHO PLAYED PROFESSOR SPROUT
IN THE HARRY POTTER MOVIES SAID IN A RECENT INTERVIEW THAT
ADULT HARRY POTTER FANS "SHOULD BE OVER THAT BY NOW."
TO WHICH ADULT HARRY POTTER FANS REPLIED "UH, SOMEONE WENT TO
SLYTHERIN." SHE ELABORATED: "PEOPLE SAY,
WE'RE HAVING A HARRY POTTER-THEMED WEDDING.
AND I THINK, GOSH, WHAT'S THEIR FIRST NIGHT OF FUN GOING TO BE?"
PRETTY GREAT... IF THEY KNOW PARSEL-TONGUE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] MEANWHILE, NEWS FROM FRONTIER,
THE AIRLINE THAT MAKES EVERY FLIGHT FEEL LIKE YOU WOKE UP
AT DAWN AND CLEARED AN ACRE OF LAND.
"STARTING APRIL 10, FRONTIER WILL OFFER UPFRONT PLUS, WHERE
IT WILL BLOCK THE SALE OF THE MIDDLE SEAT SO YOU HAVE
NO MIDDLE SEAT NEIGHBOR." NOT TO BE OUTDONE --
AND THIS IS REAL -- FELLOW BUDGET AIRLINE SPIRIT
AIRLINES OFFERS THE "BIG FRONT SEAT" AT THE FRONT OF THE PLANE
FOR AN UPCHARGE. AND BY "BIG FRONT SEAT,"
THEY MEAN THEY WILL STRAP YOU TO THE NOSE CONE.
[APPLAUSE] THAT'S NICE.
MEANWHILE, IN CAR NEWS, PORSCHE JUST UNVEILED ONE OF THE
FASTEST ROAD CARS IN THE WORLD. PERFECT FOR YOU TO DRIVE AS FAST
AS YOU CAN AWAY FROM THE FEELING THAT ALL YOU ARE IS A CAR GUY
NOW, AND LINDA DOESN'T LOVE YOU AND MAYBE SHE NEVER DID.
IT SOUNDS WEIRD, BUT THAT'S THEIR SLOGAN.
"PORSCHE: YOUR WIFE IS GOING TO LEAVE YOU."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JUSTICE STEPHEN BREYER.
