Why You Should Call the Police on Yourself - Roy Wood Jr.

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America is basically a restaurant. America is a restaurant that sells equality. That's all it is. They serve equality, and some of y'all had some delicious equality. It was good. You had great service. And some of us need to speak to a manager. [cheers and applause] You telling black people to stand for the anthem, that's the same as walking around Applebee's, telling people not to complain about they food. How you get to dictate how somebody else complain about they situation? You may as well just walk around Applebee's, "You need to fucking be happy "that you even in this Applebee's. "You know how many people outside trying to sneak "in this Applebee's? We had to build a wall around this Applebee's." And I'd be like, "Yo, man, you need to calm your ass down. "Get your facts straight. First off, "I was at Red Lobster, minding my business. Y'all brought us to Applebee's." - I don't know what we gonna do between us and the police. This shit is getting hard. Every day, police might get called on you while you're trying to get coffee. Police might get called on you while you're trying to barbecue. Police might get called on you while you're trying to mow the yard, take a nap, sell some water. At this point, if you black, the safest thing you can do every day is just call the police on yourself. I mean, the white people gonna call anyway, so you may as well take the power back. Control the narrative. That's what I'm gonna do every day, call the police and compliment. Say something nice about yourself. Change the perception. "911, what's your emergency?" Ain't no emergency. It's just a smooth motherfucker headed to Walgreens. Just checking in. Red jacket, white pants. Don't shoot me! "All units, be advised, male black, Walgreens." Respond code... [imitates radio clicking] I don't know. I don't know what the-- I don't know what you do. Move too slow, you might get shot. Move too fast, you might get shot. Don't move, you wasn't obeying commands, you might get shot. Yo, at this point, like, I ain't gonna tell y'all how to dress every day so you can feel safe, but I'm gonna start wearing a cap and gown everywhere I go. Until things cool off for a little while. You ain't never felt threatened by somebody in a cap and gown, not never. Cap and gown is like a wedding dress. You see somebody wearing it, it make you happy. It change your mood. So that's what I'ma do. Until we get some real police reform, I'm wearing a cap and gown every day with a fuckin'-- with a middle school diploma in my back pocket. A middle school diploma and an engagement ring. It's gonna be the saddest story. 'Cause you ain't gonna sweep me under the rug. 'Cause this is what's crazy. We live in a time now where if you get shot on the wrong day, you might not even make it in the news! They'll sweep your story all the way to the back page. Damn that. I'm gonna be on the front page. If the police shot a 40-year-old eighth grader, I promise you... it's gonna be a conversation about me. Y'all better riot for my ass. And in other news today, police shot a 40-year-old eighth grader. He's survived by his three ex-wives and six children. Send a prayer for Mr. Charles. Pay cops more money. Money is part of the solution. It ain't the only solution, but it's part of it. Here's the thing. We love to act like all these good cops just gonna all step up and do the right thing together. Please. Most people don't do the right thing for the right reason. They do the right thing for the right price. It's about the money. And don't get me wrong. There's plenty of good cops out there, man, but not enough to effect change. You gotta do something to incentivize. You gotta break bread. And don't tell me you ain't got the money to pay cops more. Every time somebody get hit over the head, you gotta pay a settlement, so take the money you would've paid for a settlement and just put that in the cops' pockets, and they might care a little more. At minimum, just set up a snitch fund. Can we do that? Not--okay, don't pay every cop more, just the cops who snitch on the other cops. That's who you pay. A hundred thousand. Hundred thousand per snitch. You got police departments paying 200, 300 million a year. You put 100,000 per snitch-- I promise you, if you started giving cops 100,000 to snitch on other cops, they would be arresting each other at roll call. Immediately. You wouldn't even make it out the police station in the morning. Put your hands up, Sanchez. I saw what you did, Sanchez. I gotta get 100,000. Shit, I need 200,000. Arrest me too, Sanchez. We got to go down. Put 100,000 on it. It'll change everything, I promise you. 'Cause you ain't gonna break through that thin blue line just off of morals. Real cops don't snitch on other cops. Real cops stand tall. You ever notice all that brotherhood, fraternity shit? It's for jobs where you're underpaid and nobody appreciates you, so it's cop and schoolteacher and military. It's firefighters-- it's all these jobs where you do dope shit, but no one respects you, so they've tricked you into thinking that fraternity is a substitute for currency, and it ain't. Pay 'em. Give 'em some money. 'Cause here's what happens. You start giving cops more money to snitch on each other, it's a good-paying job. Anybody with a good-paying job knows. You snitch immediately. Ain't no brotherhood in a job that pay you a real wage. People snitch left and right. You ever notice, doctors don't stick together. Doctors snitch on each other in a heartbeat. Every year in this country, somebody get the wrong leg chopped off, or the doctor leave a butter knife inside you, it ain't a bunch of doctors in the emergency room talking about, "Real doctors don't snitch on other doctors." No! That nigga chopped off the leg.
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Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up
Views: 742,037
Rating: 4.8779926 out of 5
Keywords: Roy Wood Jr., No One Loves You, Roy Wood Jr. comedian, Roy Wood Jr. stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, comedian, America, United States, racism, Applebee’s, equality, manager, restaurant, police, cops, white people, police brutality, murder, cap and gown, police reform, media, money, underpaid, snitches, snitch, job, work, fraternity, brotherhood, doctors, funny, funny video, comedy videos, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, best comedy, best stand up
Id: IT-CwIRYt-8
Channel Id: undefined
Length: 7min 2sec (422 seconds)
Published: Sun Nov 24 2019
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