- Have you always wished
you could date in a game? - [Audience] No! - Have you fantasized
about smashing a bro? - [Audience] What? - Do you daydream about using science to determine which smash
bro is the absolute hottest? - [Audience] You made it worse. Probably not but that's what this is. (bright upbeat music) Smash bros and Smosh games, The two brands founded upon
having too many characters on screen at one time. I'm Tommy Bowe, certified
video game dumbass and while Smash bros has
their last-minute DLC add-ons, Smosh games has me. Today, I'm diving deep
into the Smash bros roster to answer the question everyone has told me is inappropriate. Which bro is the best smash? I'll be running my qualified smashlers through a checklist of sexy
criteria based on science. These are scientific
studies that polled women to find out what they found
most attractive in men. What women? When was this? All good questions for someone who actually read the studies. Luckily for me, the
results were all listed out in an article I found online. So yeah, writing this was stupidly easy but the editing is gonna suck so sorry whoever's editing this. It's me. Using these findings, I've
created a point system I call Smashability. Each character will get
one point for each thing the ladies scientifically like. Men who don't smell like garlic, men who are wearing bread,
who have facial symmetry, look older, have a beard and are muscular, have a pet and are confident. And for garlic free, everyone gets a point except for Wario 'cause
literally fuck you Wario. But there's a second rating
system that I'm throwing in. A thoroughly researched
professional list of criteria that reflects the societal
norms of human attraction in today's technological age. It's the (beep) science, you sexy? The rating system. Again, each character's
getting one point per thing. Does he have money so he can
pay for my post ironic trip to Olive Garden? Tall, dark, handsome aka Scorpio vibes? Dangerous. Will his lifestyle make
my parents hate him because if so, I'm in. Daddy, hot man make crotch go yeehaw? And daddy issues because nothing
makes a man more attractive than a strained relationship
with his father. I like him sad. There's also a bonus point for whoever looks the most like 2019 sexiest man of the year. David Dobrik? Okay so he was an honorable
mention but still that's, it's real dumb. David no, I didn't mean it. We love you and want you in
our videos please, David. That means between science
and personal preference, anyone can earn up to 14 points. So I have my rating system
and I have this one chance to prove myself on Smosh games. Will I fail? I hope the (beep) not. First off everyone is not here. I'm taking all the women off the list. Why?
Because it's 2020 and women have been objectified enough. Also women are not my type. - [Male] Gay! - To guarantee a certain
ad selling video website won't demonetize my paycheck,
I'm doing this legally. That means any character
that would be weird to call attractive is off the list. So, just like my alcoholic aunt, this video should not have children. And then there's the
teens who don't understand calling me discount Grant
Gustin is not a compliment. Whoa, Little Mac is that buff at 17? Hold on. Yeah, hi? How do I get buff? Effort? That's too bad. And that includes Lank because according to every
Google search result, he's 17. And if you're disappointed, you're going Nintendo directly to jail. That's a child. Then of course we have
to put down the animals. I mean eliminate the animals and Bowser, so long gay Bowser. See it's in the law, kissing animal on
forehead not the lippies. Pokemon may have really
long phallic tummies but they're still animals. We're getting rid of
Piranha plant because ouch and we're eliminating aliens and robots before they eliminate us. Look who it is? It's all the Fire Emblem
characters Frankenstein together. Why? Well because they all look the same. Oh, okay.
Bye. And so I don't waste my time
ranking all of these finalists, I've put them into a dating
app I made called Not Tinder. Not Tinder, the app you can't sue me for. Okay, he's kinda cute. Yeah, I don't like big this either. Too flat. So how we liking this tinder montage guys? You know I hope you're
taking time to pause, look at the graphics I made. I spend a little too
much time on the graphics if I do say so myself, probably
you know eight, nine hours. Well, that's that. And that leaves us with our smashlers. Who will I choose to be my main? Who will 1v1 me three
stock in the bedroom? Who will be by my side when I pass on to my final destination? Let's find out. He can spit fire but dies
when he touches a turtle, the most boring icon of all
time, it's a him, Mario. Mario looks both 40 and 12 years old but according to a Miyamoto
interview from 2005, he's 25 years old. So he's garlic free 'cause he's not Wario. He is the red guy and of
course he has facial symmetry. For looks older, I'd
say he looks more baby. White beard?
No. And mustaches alone are gross. Mario has the muscle
definition of a hot dog. Confident?
I mean yeah. He's got some cojones to call Bowser gay so I know you're all
thinking his pet is Yoshi but if he really cared about Yoshi, he wouldn't be doing this. (bright upbeat music) You're wondering where Dr. Mario is? Here he is. I looped him into Mario because
he's the only Eco fighter, that's literally another character and look, if he's a doctor,
he's got some student debt and I already have too much of that. Tall, dark, handsome?
That's a no-no and a no. Dangerous? Yes because my mom would be pissed if my boyfriend crashed a moon wedding. Daddy?
No. It's it's more baby and
there is no mention of a dad in his lore or Dr. Mario's lore. Let's tally up those points and that leaves Mario
smash ability at a five. Just like Trisha Peters, he's constantly getting screwed
by an old man, it's Luigi. Every time I google it,
I get a different answer but Luigi's basically
the same age as Mario. All right. Since Luigi's basically long Mario, there's a few things we
can blast through here. Obviously garlic free,
he's not wearing red, he's got facial symmetry,
he does not look older, ain't no beard on that
face, he is not muscular and for confidence, I would
say an anthropomorphic pimple in middle school has more
confidence than he does, yeah. A pet?
He does have a pet. It's the cutest and deadest
one in gaming history. (bright upbeat music) You know the only thing
Luigi has going for him is money so good for him. Yeah, Luigi is none of the above and he's actually quite short. Dangerous?
This guy, dangerous? Last time I checked, sticking your ass out isn't daddy energy. There's no dad in his lore but
he does have brother issues. Okay. Let's see how our tiny dancer does. And that leaves our poor little boy with four smashability points. He makes basketballs look square, he's the Danny DeVito
of Nintendo, it's Wario. According to this Nintendo
Power magazine comic from the 90s, Wario went to preschool with
Mario which makes him 25, which is as shocking to me as it is to medical professionals. Wario's obvious points are
facial symmetry and no beard but when it comes to garlic free, we all know Wario doesn't get the point. I know it's controversial but
in this outfit, he has red. For looks older, I'm
gonna give him a point because he kinda looks like
if Mario became an alcoholic. Yeah, he is muscular and
that really weirds me out. He apparently had a pet in "Warioland II", a chicken named Hen, stupid name but it hasn't been seen
since and I think I know why. You know those people who
are a little too confident for what's going on? Look, if you have money,
you're not desperate for more. Now Wario's skeleton is not, not good. Dangerous?
Yeah. He's a classic bad boy on that motorcycle. I hope everyone knows the difference between daddy and dad bod, all right? And following suit with
everyone else so far, no dad. And how does Mr. Midriff
hold up to the competition? That brings Wario smashability
total to six out of 14. I showed him my moves and he said I was
uncomfortable in my body, it's Captain Falcon, age 36
years old and have zero ex. Douglas Jay Falcon... I'm sorry, his name is Doug. His name is Doug? Anyway let's knock out all
the obvious ones, yeah? I can't give him a point
for facial symmetry 'cause he's wearing a helmet but let's just check under their. Oh, put it back. No beard. For all I know, he's completely hairless. Yeah, Doug is dummy thick. Dougie thick? He doesn't have a pet yet. He's a race car driver
and a bounty hunter. That's too fat incomes. Maybe? No, it's not the same. Yeah, those cars go faster than me sprinting to the bathroom
after a cold brew. Daddy, let's check. That's a yeehaw from downstairs and there's no dad in the lore. Too bad, he could have been so smashable. All right, let's tally up those points. Dougie Falcon is coming
in at nine out of 14. He's a man bear pig but bear
in the gay way, it's Ganondorf. Ganondorf is apparently ageless or whatever reincarnation
means in Zelda games. He's garlic free, he's got facial symmetry and he certainly shaped like an adult. Light beard, I'm gonna give him the point because of his mutton chops that are also part of his eyebrows that
are also part of his hair which is red. Yeah he's muscular. His abs could high rule my world. Oh my God! I wrote this script. Unless he's counting himself, no pet. He's balding and nosing but
there's still some about him. I don't know if he has money, money but as evil ruler of whatever, he can get me a room full of breadsticks. Tall, dark, handsome? Yes. Dangerous?
Uh, yeah and daddy of the (mumbles) aha and again no daddy issues. Oh don't worry, there'll be some. Let's see how he do and that's 11 points for Ganondorf. Ass so thick they had
to nerf it, it's Snake>. In "Metal Gear Solid 1",
sSake is 33 years old and has no eyes. We're just gonna scoot through
all the obvious ones here but take note he is the
first one with a real beard, muscular I mean, dead ass. Confident?
I mean that ass. Sorry about that. Yes, he has a pet. It's a little pet wolf, oh toto. Yeah, I don't know if he has money because everything else that
sits in a box can't pay rent. He is by far the handsomest and darkest because he works at night. Other Metal Gear Solid
characters have said that Snake actually likes killing
but it's just a job, right? Daddy more like dad, his arch-nemesis big
boss is his actual dad. That's the ultimate daddy issue. Let's see how our
handsome devil stacks up. That leaves Snake at 11 out of 14 points which means he is tied with Ganondorf. Pac Man, who we only know is a man because EA sports, it's in his name. No one knows his age but like
none voiceover me just said, "He's not a boy, he's a man." Let's just walk up, walk up, walk our way through the obvious ones here. Looks older, I don't
know what he looks like. A smooth lemon? Risking your life for fruit? Takes balls. One ball, him. He doesn't have one but as the ghost guy, he
should just take Luigi's. White pellets aren't worth
anything Pac Man, wake up. Small brighten around. He eats ghosts. Yeah, I don't need to see
Pac Man in a seductive pose. No, he's not daddy. I said I don't need to see it. Who is Pac Man's dad? Is it the void that created
him, torments him, feeds him? That's hot. All right, let's see what he's got. That gives Pac Man six out of 14 points. The winner of smallest
head, 10 years in a row, it's Terry Bogard. In the original "Fatal
Fury", Terry is 35 years old which in gay world makes him elderly. Really though, imagine if I went through all of these each time. This is why we're skipping ahead. Muscular, yes he has every
muscle except for a neck. Actually yeah. Terry has a pet monkey which is both niche and entirely illegal like I
don't know stealing snow globes? He's gotta be confident
to have a ponytail. He apparently has a part-time
job, not sure which one but that's not gonna
buy me mediocre pasta. I think what's throwing me
off is the double scrunchie. My mom always told me, never to trust a martial artist with no neck. Okay but really, how
long is this ponytail? When Terry was young,
he watched his father get killed by a man named Geese. Let me say that again for you, Geese. Now that'll bruise the brain real good. Let's see how midlife crisis bodybuilder, Ash Ketchum holds up. And that gives Terry
nine out of 14 points. Vadies and Ventlemen, it is time for the coveted
David Dobrik point. The character that looks
most like David Dobrik is. But I'm realizing now
that I'm a hypocrite. Who am I to rank these sexy,
sexy cartoon characters without subjecting myself
to the same criticism? So I'm gonna rank myself. Facial symmetry?
No. Looks older?
I hope so. Red, red, red, red. There it is. Yes! Muscles? No and I am lonely because of it. Confidence?
Well... Okay, it's not garlic but it's not good as long as this video goes well. Am I dangerous? No. That's a big no from many people. You know what, let's
find out about this one. Hi dad. - [Man On Phone] Hi yeah.
What do you want? - Yeah, I just wanted to say-- - [Man On Phone] Yeah. - I love you. - [Man On Phone] Okay, great. You know, you really just stop
calling me during the day. - No, I mean, I love you. I'm just saying it. It's just a fun-- - [Man On Phone] That
would've been good to hear on Father's Day or my birthday. - That gives me 6 points which means I'm attractive as Wario. Right back to the video, we have a tie between Ganondorf
and Snake at 11 points. To decide between Snake and Ganon, I'm following in our
scientific studies footsteps by pulling my coworkers. Basically I wanna know
whether you think Snake or Ganondorf is more smashable? - That's what you do while I'm writing? Anyway, yeah. Let's go with snake. - Just to confirm, this is
what you've been doing today, all day? This' what you've been
doing all day today? Snake, I think Snake. - Well I definitely think
Snake is the most smashable because I don't like that. - And so there was another tiebreaker that I'm gonna need an opinion on. Which out of these? Who do you turn off here? If you wanna... I mean he's kinda fun, right? - No, he is fun but this is about smashability? - Yeah. - It's gonna have to be Wario, yeah. - I'm right here, I'm right here in front of you--
- Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna say Wario. - You're gonna-- - I'm gonna say Wario. - I don't wanna hurt your feelings. - By choosing me over
Wario and then I'm like, "Oh but Wario could be cooler." - No, no, no. I don't wanna hurt your feelings 'cause I'm definitely gonna go with Wario. I'm sorry. - Well Keith, this has
been exciting for me. - I'll take both of this. (bright upbeat music) Hey. Thanks for coming to the emergency meeting that I called just now. I have a result from the
video I've been doing. The winner of the most
smashable smash bro is Snake. Is that cool? - That's what you brought us in here for? This has been a big waste of
all of our time and your time. - This is company time.
- This is company money that you're wasting. - I don't know what's under
the parka of the ice climbers but I wanna see it. - Just also a side note, like
I don't think a day goes by where I don't think
Wario's hotter than Tommy. - What is Wario have that I don't have? Like-- - Confidence. (people talking simultaneously
making them inaudible) - A good job, a secure job
which you probably don't have right because of this-- (people talking in loud tones) - Why is Wario hotter than me? That doesn't, I'm not a basketball. (people talking simultaneously
making them inaudible) Hey, thanks for watching my video. Hope you liked it. YouTube is gonna recommend
one of these videos on screen and then the other one is
something we recommend. Let's go ahead and keep
watching Smosh games content. I'm so happy. Everything's great, everything is great. (people talking simultaneously
making them inaudible) - Peach can get it, Zelda can get it.
