WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) I'M SO HAPPY TO BE WITH YOU OVER
THERE, OUT THERE AND IN HERE BECAUSE IT'S A STRANGE DAY. A VERY STRANGE DAY, YOU KNOW. >> Jon: MM-HMM. >> Stephen: IT'S A STRANGE AND
DISTURBING NEWS DAY IN AMERICA. THE "NEW YORK TIMES" SUMMED IT
WITH THEIR NEW SLOGAN "ALL THE NEWS THAT'S ICK TO PRINT." THE ICKY STARTS WITH "EMPIRE"
ACTOR JUSSIE SMOLLETT, WHO WA --
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) -- I FEEL THE SAME WAY -- WHO
WAS TAKEN INTO CUSTODY TODAY FOR
FILING A FALSE REPORT, AFTER POLICE DETERMINED THAT HE STAGED
A RACIST AND HOMOPHOBIC ATTACK AGAINST HIMSELF LAST MONTH. NOW, THIS STORY INVOLVES RACE,
SEXUALITY, POLITICS, AND VIOLENCE. SO, I NEED TO TREAD VERY LIGHTLY
HERE, AND SIMPLY SAY, WHAT A (BLEEP)! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
JUST, OH! NO! JUST -- I'M SORRY. I JUST -- COME ON! SMOLLETT CAST HIMSELF AS A FAKE
NATIONAL SYMBOL OF OUR REAL RACIAL AND POLITICAL DIVIDE WHEN
HE TOLD POLICE HE HAD BEEN ATTACKED BY TWO MASKED MEN AT
THE ENTRANCE OF THE LOEWS HOTEL IN CHICAGO. HE CLAIMED THAT THEY YELLED
RACIST AND HOMOPHOBIC REMARKS USED PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP'S
SIGNATURE SLOGAN, "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN." TIED A NOOSE AROUND HIS NECK AND
POURED BLEACH ON HIM, THEN FLED. BUT POLICE SAY THAT SMOLLETT
ACTUALLY HIRED TWO BROTHERS, WHO ARE ALSO BLACK, TO CARRY OUT
THE SCHEME. LOOK, I'M NOT AN EXPERT, BUT IF
YOU'RE GOING TO FAKE A WHITE SUPREMACIST HATE CRIME, HIRE
WHITE GUYS! ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: TWO WHITE GUYS! MAYBE GUYS THAT DON'T LIVE IN
CHICAGO, TOO. >> Stephen: THIS IS ONE PLACE
WHERE YOU DON'T WANT DIVERSITY. ( LAUGHTER )
I LIVED IN CHICAGO. THEY HAVE WHITE MEN THERE. GO TO A BLACKHAWKS GAME. ( LAUGHTER )
SMOLLETT ALSO, AND THIS IS A CONSPIRACY NO-NO, PAID THE
BROTHERS BY CHECK! ( LAUGHTER )
COME ON. AND IT DIDN'T HELP THAT HE WROTE
IN THE MEMO LINE "FOR FAKING HATE CRIME AGAINST ME, JUSSIE
SMOLLETT, THE GUY FROM 'EMPIRE.'"
THIS WHOLE THING IS A HORRIBLE AFFRONT TO ACTUAL VICTIMS OF
HATE CRIMES, DONE HORRIBLY. ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: YES, ABSOLUTELY. >> Stephen: THERE'S NO GOOD
REASON TO TO SOMETHING LIKE THIS, BUT
SMOLLETT HAD A PARTICULARLY BAD ONE. CHICAGO POLICE? >> THIS STUNT WAS ORCHESTRATED
BY SMOLLETT BECAUSE HE WAS DISSATISFIED WITH HIS SALARY. >> STEPHEN: WHAT?! HE STAGED A HATE CRIME TO BOOST
HIS CAREER? THERE ARE LEGITIMATE WAYS TO DO
THAT. HASN'T HE EVER HEARD OF A SEX
TAPE? ( LAUGHTER )
COME ON, A NIGHT VISION CAMERA ON THE DRESSER. "SOMEHOW" IT LEAKS, BINGO,
YOU'RE HOSTING "THE LATE SHOW." OKAY? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: YOU GOT THE TAPE? YOU GOT THE TAPE? >> Stephen: I'M NOT SAYING
ANYTHING. I'M JUST SAYING THEY DON'T GIVE
THESE JOBS AWAY. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, ALONG WITH EVERYONE ELSE IN AMERICA, THE PRESIDENT IS MAD AT
JUSSIE, TWEETING, "AT-JUSSIE-SMOLLETT, WHAT ABOUT
MAGA AND THE TENS OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE YOU INSULTED WITH YOUR
RACIST AND DANGEROUS COMMENTS!?" (AS TRUMP)
"AFTER ALL, RACIST AND DANGEROUS COMMENTS, KIND OF MY THING. NEVER RUB ANOTHER MAN'S
RHUBARB." ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S TRUE. >> Jon: I WON'T BE TOUCHING NO
RHUBARB. >> Stephen: BUT SMOLLETT ISN'T
THE ONLY ICKY NEWS TODAY. LAST NIGHT, WE FOUND OUT THAT
THE F.B.I. HAS ARRESTED A COAST GUARD OFFICER WHO WAS PLANNING A
RAMPAGE AGAINST DEMOCRATS AND JOURNALISTS. WHEN THEY RAIDED HIS APARTMENT
THEY FOUND A HUGE CACHE OF AMMUNITION AND WEAPONS. LOOK AT HOW NEAT THAT IS. ( LAUGHTER )
WHO SAYS MEN DON'T LIKE MARIE KONDO? ( LAUGHTER )
"THIS GRENADE SPARKS JOY IN ME ( LAUGHTER )
ALSO, IT WILL SPARK A FIRE. IT'S INCENDIARY." THE OFFICER IN QUESTION,
CHRISTOPHER P. HASSON, ONCE WROTE IN A LETTER "I AM A LONG
TIME WHITE NATIONALIST, HAVING BEEN A SKINHEAD 30 PLUS YEARS." 30 YEARS? THAT IS A LONG TIME. HE IS CLOSE TO SKINHEAD
RETIREMENT. SOON HE CAN CASH IN HIS 401KKK
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT GOT A BETTER RESPONSE THAN I THOUGHT. >> Jon: I LIKE. THAT'S A GOOD ONE. ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen:. >> Stephen: HASSON WAS
PLOTTING TO MURDER A HUGE LIST OF PEOPLE, INCLUDING
POLITICIANS, JOURNALISTS PROFESSORS, JUDGES AND OTHERS. IN ONE LETTER HASSAN WROTE, "I
AM DREAMING OF A WAY TO KILL ALMOST EVERY LAST PERSON ON THE
EARTH." SORRY, BUT THE CHEESECAKE
FACTORY IS WAY AHEAD OF YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
THEY HAVE AN APPETIZER OF CHEESEBURGERS. ( LAUGHTER )
SO THIS MAN IS A HOMICIDAL, RACIST MONSTER, SERVING IN OUR
MILITARY, BUT DON'T WORRY, THE COMMANDER IN CHIEF SLAPPED HIM
DOWN WITH THE SAVAGE TWEET OF: NOTHING. SILENCE. MAKES SENSE. HASSON ONLY WANTS TO KILL
EVERYONE ON EARTH. IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S HOSTING
"SNL." PLUS, TRUMP COULDN'T TWEET ABOUT
IT. HE WAS TOO BUSY DENOUNCING BAD
CELL PHONE SERVICE. (AS TRUMP)
"I WANT 5G, AND EVEN 6G, TECHNOLOGY IN THE UNITED STATES
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. IT IS FAR MORE POWERFUL, FASTER,
AND SMARTER THAN THE CURRENT STANDARD." SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING HAPPENED
TO THE WHITE HOUSE WIFI. (AS TRUMP)
"I'VE GOT MY PHONE HERE, BUT NO INTERNET. WHAT'S THE DEAL? SOMEONE HELP ME FIND THE
G-SPOT." "I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THE --
THERE'S FIVE OF THEM. I HEAR THERE'S FIVE ." ( PIANO RIFF )
NOW, IT'S POSSIBLE THAT TRUMP DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING
ABOUT HERE BECAUSE 6G TECHNOLOGY DOESN'T EXIST. HE THINKS 6G IS YOUR OPENING
OFFER TO SILENCE A PORN STAR. (AS TRUMP)
"OKAY, OKAY, I UNDERSTAND. LOOK, MIKEY, I'M WILLING TO GO
UP TO 130G, BUT FIRST, LOBALL THEM. WHICH BY THE WAY, IS WHAT I'M
PAYING HER NOT TO TALK ABOUT. THE LOW BALLS." >> Jon: OH, OH, OH, OH... ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Stephen: COME ON! HE'S A 72-YEAR-OLD MAN! ( SPEAKING IN TONGUES )
♪ SWING LOW ♪ ♪ SWEET CHARIOT ♪
♪ >> Stephen: THANK YOU. THAT IS TERRIBLE. HE RETURNED ON --
(AS TRUMP) "AMERICAN COMPANIES MUST STEP UP
THEIR EFFORTS, OR GET LEFT BEHIND. THERE IS NO REASON THAT WE
SHOULD BE LAGGING BEHIND ON DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT
DOT-DOT-- SOMETHING THAT IS SO OBVIOUSLY THE FUTURE. I WANT THE UNITED STATES TO WIN
THROUGH COMPETITION, NOT BY BLOCKING OUT CURRENTLY MORE
ADVANCED TECHNOLOGIES. WE MUST ALWAYS BE THE LEADER IN
EVERYTHING WE DO, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO THE VERY
EXCITING WORLD OF TECHNOLOGY!" YEAH, TRUMP'S A BIG SUPPORTER OF
CUTTING-EDGE TECHNOLOGY LIKE (AS TRUMP)
"WALL."
