What happens when the narcissist realizes they
can no longer control you? Maybe you've been in the relationship for a while now and most
of their normal attempts have stopped working. You've caught on to their game. You've
realized that they're never going to change and you've stopped giving in to their
hoovering. Maybe you've blocked them and now the narcissist realizes that there's a
very good chance that they're not going to be able to control you anymore. Usually, there's
going to be a period of continued attempts to hoover you. Usually what this looks like
is... maybe they will start to call you from unknown numbers. They'll start to
email you through new email accounts. Maybe they will contact you on your social
media through new accounts that they've set up. And possibly even maybe they've contacted your
family. these things might make it seem as though the narcissist really wants to get back together.
maybe you believe they're feeling remorseful and perhaps that they're seeing what a chance for true
love or a true relationship they're throwing away. But once they figure out that you're not falling
for any of that anymore, things are going to get pretty nasty. They're going to ramp up their smear
campaign and it's important to recognize that the smear campaign against you has been going on for a
while now. In the narcissist's mind, relationships do not last. To the narcissist they're not even
in a real relationship; not the way you perceive it. When narcissists are in relationships their
focus is on how well they're able to control you, able to control your actions, and how they're able
to control your mindset. When you decide to stop having that relationship with the narcissist,
this is one of the ultimate forms of narcissistic injury and they're going to try to make you
pay for that. They're going to possibly contact your employer, they may contact the people in your
church, they may saturate your circle of friends so that they can go ahead and cut things off at
the pass. Because now that they can't control you, their main focus is changing how other people
perceive you and this can include your own children. I want to emphasize here that
if you do share children with a narcissist and you are noticing that your children are
taking the narcissist's side or maybe they're not really as close to you as they were before,
understand that children also experience the same things that we do. They experience the trauma
bonding, they experience the hoovering as well and the love bombing. The narcissist will tell people
lies about you and this is a very painful period to experience. Once you are in a relationship
with a narcissist, their expectations for the relationship are completely different
from yours. They are not in a relationship to offer reciprocal affection and support. When they
are in a relationship, what they expect is for you to live a life of servitude under them. And
this is one of the primary signs that you are dealing with a narcissist because in normal
relationships when people decide to break up and go their separate ways there is generally a
mutual understanding that you are going to move on and walk a different path from one another.
But that's not how narcissists see it at all and this is exactly why they often circle
back to their old supply sources. Now if this happens to you, if the narcissist hoovers
you and they may even pretend to be remorseful or that they are regretting their decision. Maybe
they have even confided in you that they are in a new relationship and now they're telling you that
they're starting to have doubts. It's important to understand that when a narcissist is hoovering
you they're also doing that to other exes. In the narcissist's mind, no one person is
more special than the other. They don't miss one certain person more than the other in regards
to their exes. What they do is when things start crumbling down and falling apart in whatever
their newest relationship is, that's when they begin to circle back because once the new supply
begins to see some red flags, the narcissist has to go to their next trick in their toolbox. This
is when they're going to start triangulating you. Generally this happens in romantic relationships
but it can also happen in other relationships such as a co-worker situation or a family member
but it's always important to remember that once the narcissist feels they're losing control they
will try to hoover and if that doesn't work, then they're going to ramp up the smear campaign which
has been happening for quite some time now anyway. They're going to become very vindictive, coercive,
and they're going to bully you. And if you share children with the narcissist - now understand I'm
not giving any legal advice here because I'm not a licensed attorney - but this is a very critical
stage. If you do share children with a narcissist, you need to contact an attorney right away,
make sure your children are in therapy if at all possible. Do your very
best to get them into therapy and if the narcissist won't agree to that try to
get them into at least therapy in their school talk to one of the counselors there. This is a
very critical time because the narcissist is going to do everything in their power to take you down.
Now a lot of people believe that narcissists do all these things because they're trying to avoid
that deep internal shame that seems to plague them 24 hours a day. But narcissists are really more
concerned with losing their power and control over you. They take serious offense when they
realize that you're not going to be their servant anymore because in their mind they have spent
a large amount of time trying to brainwash you and program you into their way of thinking. And
this can be seen in how you feel about yourself towards the end of the relationship and also after
the relationship ends. You're going to feel like everything's your fault, you're going to feel like
maybe you didn't try hard enough, and you're going to start thinking that the narcissist was right
all along. Now your cognitive mind might realize that 'okay I tried as much as I could, everything
I possibly could to save this relationship.' But the narcissist's voice is still going
to be in your head. And this doesn't happen in normal relationships. There's going to be
grieving of course. There's going to be the hesitance to start a new life and to start
fresh. But in a normal relationship breakup, there won't be a smear campaign. The people
breaking up will at least try to be civil towards one another and maybe split assets
fairly. This is not the narcissist's way and this is exactly how you know you're dealing with
a narcissist. Because they will become extremely hateful, nasty, and even do things that seem evil.
It's important here also to not try to convince yourself that the narcissist doesn't know what
they're doing or that they're completely unaware of how they're hurting you. narcissists are very
intentional and strategic in how they interact with you. if narcissists had no awareness about
how awful they are; if they had no awareness about their condition; if they had no awareness
about how all of this makes you feel, they would act the same way in all relationships in all
situations, in all environments, but narcissists choose to abuse the people they feel are safe
to abuse. And they come to this conclusion once we have gotten past that love bombing
period and we're hooked. If you think back, narcissists always test boundaries. they start out
usually kind of small and they build their way up so that by the time you discover that they're a
pathological liar, that they're a cheater, that they're simply not honest at all in any situation;
once you realize all that and you look back you're going to see precisely when the brainwashing
began. And this is what the narcissist is hoping to fall back on once they no longer have control
over you. In the narcissist's mind, when they think about their old supply or even ones that
are currently in the devalue and discard phase, the narcissist will always remember you during the
part of your relationship where they had the most control over you. Now please don't take this to
mean that if you allow the narcissist to control you and if you go ahead and do everything
they want you to do and you pander to them and you submit to them, this in no way means that
you're going to be able to save the relationship. Narcissists are not concerned at all with having a
committed long-term relationship with one person. They might get married and stay married to
someone; this does not mean the relationship is working out or that the person they're married to
or that they're living with is happy. Narcissists cannot turn off their dysfunction like they're
turning off a light switch. It does not happen. Now, it's quite possible that the narcissist will
approach you and give you an apology. They might even cry a little bit. But narcissists are very
good actors and this can be seen in the way that they interact with the outside world in front
of you like maybe you guys go to a party, the narcissist is the life of the party, everyone's
laughing at their jokes, and it feels like everyone cannot seem to see the narcissist for who
they are. Because you know what they're like when the two of you are alone and it's nothing like
the persona that they put on in the public eye. This alone should tell you the narcissist is very
aware of what they're doing. So when they offer you an apology, you will soon realize that it's
not genuine. Narcissists are never remorseful for how they treat you. They might be sorry for
the consequences that they now have to face. For example, if you do share children with them,
they're going to start thinking about, Oh my gosh, I might have to pay child support, I may have
to pay alimony. I may have to split assets, in the case if you're married to them or sharing
a residence or children with them. They're going to understand that there is stuff they have to do
or will be expected to do in that situation. And because they don't want to pay child support or
alimony or split assets, they often will come back if you're married and apologize. It's very
important to not fall for their tricks and schemes. For example, one of my coaching clients
said that she was divorcing her narcissistic husband and they share children together. He
came over one night right before the hearing and convinced her that he didn't want to break up the
family. He'd been thinking he wants to try again. He doesn't want to split the family up and cause
the children to be in different homes. And so she thought that they had agreed to go in civilly to
the hearing and do what was best for the kids. What happened was she was sucker-punched
completely, unexpectedly because the narcissist came in there and just completely
bulldozed everything. And she was in such shock that he got custody of their kids, and
this is a very common scenario by the way. So never fall for the narcissist's tricks when
they think they're losing control over you because things will get very nasty and they will
stay nasty for a long long time. It's during these times when the narcissist is beginning to realize
that they can't control you that you must remain steadfast. Don't fall for their tricks, don't fall
for the fantasy and the gaslighting. Now I know in your mind... the beginning of the relationship
is imprinted in your mind, it's imprinted in your psyche and that's what you always fall back
on when there are problems in the relationship. And that's what you fall back on when you decide
to give the narcissist yet another chance. But here's the deal, if they were going to change
they would have already changed. So you already have your answer. They do not change and you have
already experienced this, I would imagine many many times. So don't fall back on that initial
imprint you have of them, that perception that you formed, owing to love bombing of course, and their
intermittent reinforcement once the red flags started popping up. They may try to damage your
property, they may try to break into your home. If they do get into your home, they may
steal important and sentimental items that may not even have any monetary value but that
mean things to you. This is why you should never let the narcissist in your home if you have split
up from them and moved into a new residence. You were not obliged to let the narcissist into your
new place. In fact, I advise against it because they will plant spyware, they will again take your
sentimental items, and they may plant devices on your electronics. Don't let the narcissist put
you in that kind of position. At this point, once the narcissist can no longer control you, you
must make it a priority to protect yourself. You need to seal them out of your life, whatever that
may look like. You may have to get a protective order or a restraining order, you will probably
need to put cameras around your residence. I would suggest even ADT, anything that's going to alert
you if someone's trying to break into your home. And if it comes down to it, if you need to call
the authorities you need to go ahead and do that even though it may make you feel sick to do so.
It's at this point that the narcissist will use fear to control you and a lot of times
it works especially in court settings. But don't give up, you have to stand strong and
protect yourself and do whatever you need to do to avoid letting the narcissist control you
from there on out. And if all else fails, the narcissists will attempt to strengthen the
trauma bond that you have with them. By the way, narcissists do not experience trauma bonds, only
we do as their victim or their target. They may try to make you believe you can't make it without
them or that you'll lose the kids. And it's possible that those things could be true. They
may try to make you believe that you can't make it without them. If that is the case, it's still
important to try to chart a path for yourself out of that relationship, even if it takes a
while, even if you can't leave immediately. If you can't leave today, start working on your
exit plan. Those are some of the most common things that happen when narcissists feel they're
losing control over you. Now obviously I haven't covered every scenario because there are so many
things that they will do to try to maintain their power and control over you. If you experience a
situation that I didn't cover here in this video, feel free to leave your experience down in the
comment box so that other people will be aware. If you found this video helpful, consider subscribing
to my channel so that youtube will notify you when I release new material and new videos to help you
break free from narcissistic abuse. And as always, make sure you check down in the description
box below this video because I have left you some helpful resources down there, and
until next time thanks so much for watching.
