Unveiling Sneaky Tactics of Female Narcissists | Lisa A. Romano

[Music] Namaste everybody welcome back and today we're going to be talking about the differences between a female and a male narcissist and why it's important that we as people in society as children of narcissists as those who have to deal with narcissist maybe even we're married to narcissist and whether we're male or female why it is that the more we understand this personality the safer we can be in a relationship and the closer we can get to understanding what we're dealing with possibly even before we engage to romantically with someone or we get into a partnership agreement with someone the more we understand these traits the safer we feel in life because getting involved with a narcissist can destroy you it's important that we begin this by saying that not everybody who has narcissistic traits is a narcissist it's important that we recognize that narcissism exists on a spectrum that someone who is healthy has healthy narcissism meaning that they have the ability to say I think I feel I desire and I want someone like myself as a healing codependent I was someone on the other end of the spectrum that had a complete loss of selfhood I did not know who I was I did not know what I felt I could tell you what Mary felt I can tell you what my husband felt but I couldn't tell you what I felt it was a very confusing thing when I looked within now when we're talking about narcissist and codependence in relationships what's really fascinating is that codependents are other focused we have learned that it is safer for us to worry about others it is safer emotionally mentally physically to worry and financially sometimes to worry about the other person to cater to the other person's needs then it is to worry about ourselves it's just not safe for us to put ourselves out there so codep dependency in that sense is a survival strategy why is this important to know if you're dealing with someone who's highly narcissistic well if you're waking up to a narcissistic relationship then part of that is going to be trying to figure out well how did you end up in that relationship in the first place not always but oftentimes we end up in relationships with people with high narcissistic traits because we have a maladaptive way of dealing with the self and dealing with others not always it could be that we have a lot of empathy we maybe we have empathy to a fault where we have so much empathy but we don't have enough empathy for the self meaning our empathy is so we're so worried about everybody else that we lose ourselves and how we feel the other person is feeling and when we do that we lose ourselves we lose the boundaries of self when we do that and that's a very murky place it's important to realize that because when dealing with narcissist you're dealing with someone who is it's all about me every day is their birthday every day is Christmas or Hanukkah every day is the day that you're supposed to throw bouquet of roses at them so if they're going through something at all you know that they think is extraordinary you have to think it's just as extraordinary and if you don't praise them and pay attention to them the way they expect you to narcissists are very well known for having unrealistic expect ations almost fantasies about other people which puts you in a double bind because you don't know that they're doing it but they expect you to live up to these unrealistic unspoken expectations regardless and then they play the victim card so when you're dealing with a narcissist it's important that you realize the narcissist is is self-focused meaning that when they're looking out into the world they're wondering how are you going to make them feel good and it is your job to see them as as important as Superior and to know that it's really your role in in in life to throw bouquet of roses at them to make them feel so special and so exalted and it is absolutely exhausting So today we're going to talk about some of the differences between a male and a female narcissist I'm just pulling up my notes here because I don't want to miss anything so in both cases whether you're dealing with a female or a male narcissist both of them are grandiose meaning that they have this level this fantasy of self-importance and so both male and female narcissists do this they believe that they deserve preferential treatment they don't like the word no if they go into a restaurant and the best seat in the house is already taken they argue for the best seat in the house even though it's already taken and they don't care if there are 10 or 15 patrons behind them waiting to be seated they have no problem whether they're male or female making a big deal about the fact that they wanted that table and they didn't make they didn't make a reservation for that table they just want that table that's just a just one example but this idea that they are so self-important that they have a right to argue with everybody both genders male and female like to argue with other people and so it could be the slightest thing it could be the slightest customer service um situation but a female or a male narcissist is always going to push the customer service person over the line and walk away with something extra whereas someone who is not highly narcissistic they just want to resolve the issue and move on and they don't want to exploit the company because they can so that's the one thing that they have in common the second thing that they have in common is that there is a general lack of empathy now empathy means that I can imagine what it's like to be you I can see myself in your situation I can actually feel the feelings that you're feeling so whether you're a female or you're a male narcissist they they're both empathy impaired and so you might be telling a story about how your dog died and the next thing you know the narcissist is looking at their watch and saying wow it's time for me to get out of here they can't relate to your loss they are overwhelmed by your loss in a negative way not because they care but because you're exhausting them because they just can't relate to you and they see you as annoying they see you as weak and they don't realize it's their lack and their inability to have empathy for what someone else is going through the third thing that they have in common is that manipulation so whether we're dealing with a female or a male narcissist both will use manipulation to get their way like I said earlier there is no no to a narcissist they want what they want they believe that they're right they have this generalized sense of entitlement and so you tell the narcissist no or you can't book them for that appointment and the narcissist is going to do whatever they can to manipulate you they will threaten to write a negative review about your business they will bring up something from the past that that is not very pleasant for you to remember anything to manipulate you to make you feel less than and for you to Buckle in on their demand and the the next thing that they have in common I sort of touched on that earlier is this sense of entitlement where as a narcissist feels like they absolutely deserve preferential treatment you should treat them better than you treat other people they're not even aware in most cases that this is the way that they are running their lives and it is unfair it is grandiose and it is ridiculous they think that being this way is them being confident they see themselves as being so forceful as being confident as being strong they don't see it as obnoxious and there are some narcissists that don't care if they're being obnoxious it's all about their sense of entitlement it's about them having expectations of you because they're so grandio they're so much better than you they're so much smarter than you and in their head you are built to cater to them so they have this fantasy in their head about who they think you are and your role in their life and if you're codependent you don't even know that you're trying to meet that expectation unconsciously which means that you are so far removed from who you are and you're so caught up in this vibe in this energy in this Paradigm most times it's unspoken as a codependent you just sense that this person expects you to treat them in a particular way to be there when they get home to cater to their meals to cater to getting their dry cleaning to figure out every one of their needs to anticipate their needs you just kind of like feel like that's your role in their life and there isn't a whole lot of Consciousness going on on it's sort of like the two of you are in a subconscious dance a subconscious invisible energetic Tango and the outside world your children may be able to see it your sister your brother other people can see it but you can't see it because it becomes your norm and a narcissist will train you to be afraid of a negative outcome and so if you're not careful and this can this can happen from day one where you are highly codependent and you're seeking approval and you need validation and the narcissist gives you a little bit of validation but then over time starts starts to withhold that validation which increases your craving for this hit which is validation and below the veil of Consciousness dear one you don't even realize it's happening so that can happen to you if you're highly codependent but it can also happen to you gradually over time where where you are a healthy normal person who has fallen for the love bombing or the Charisma or the sexuality or the intens of the relationship early on and you don't realize that you're being brainwashed over time by them withholding the praise so they give you a lot of Praise in the beginning you get addicted to it and then they start to withhold it then the gaslighting the minimizing they're devaluing you minimizing you and they're really getting you to question your sense of worthiness and your sense of right and wrong your sense of reality and once the narcissist is able to confuse you at that level they've really got you so they create a trauma bonded situation in which you they become the only person that that you can rely on so the person who is antagonistic to you who is a detriment to your mental health is also the only person that can save you and they do this over time by isolating you from other people and cutting you off even from your own sense of personal value your own values your own personal um moral code what you think is ethical they cut you off from that and now now what happening like I said you don't even realize it's happening you are more worried about making sure that you're convincing them that you are in agreement and in alignment with their values so now we're going to get into some specifics about a female narcissist that I have personally encountered and if you have encountered a female narcissist you may have noticed these things too so when we're when we're talking about a female narcissist what you'll notice is that she will use her gender as a weapon and so she will use her gender and her sexuality to lure a person in if she's a heterosexual female narcissist what you'll see is that she comes off very sexual to draw a man in and of course this is just to it's just for the sake of manipulation it's for the sake of turning this man into a little puppy it's that whole game that she enjoys getting a man addicted to her but she's also someone who will use her gender in another way so let's let's say you have a female narcissist at work and she's not doing a good job and you as the management team are called to step in by HR to say listen we have some issues with you coming in late she will say oh you're picking on me because I'm a female you wouldn't say this to Bob over there who's a male so yes you would but you're being accused of something that is untrue and she will use her gender to counterbalance what you're saying to almost invalidate the fact that she needs to be reprimanded for not coming to work on time and so a female narciss narcissist will use her gender just being a female as a way to manipulate other people to control them to um completely dismantle their ability to hold her accountable for anything on any level so that's not uncommon when you're dealing with a female narcissist a female narcissistic wife a female narcissistic partner will belittle her male counterpart sexually she will withhold affection and love from them and she will insinuate that it's all their fault for why she's doing so so in other words what she's doing is she's using her gender against the opposite gender and she's doing it as a form of manipulation dominance and control this is not uncommon this is what some narcissistic wives do to their husbands and if the husband isn't careful what he'll do is he'll start to believe what she's saying and so rather than pay attention to the behavior pay attention to the man manipulation the put Downs the control um the fact that she's using her gender as a weapon or sexuality as a weapon or withholding love as a weapon that will get lost in the sauce and it's not uncommon for those of us who have been experienced this type of narcissism and have been targets of narcissists we get so caught up emotionally that's why I'm always trying to teach people mind control and mind powerful like powerful mind control techniques for themselves so they can control their own mind and mental toughness mental resilience because that's what you need in society in life but especially if you're dealing with a narcissist once the narcissist starts to stir you emotionally you're in your amydala you're in your hippocampus you're in survival you're not in the prefrontal lobe you're not in the neocortex so you're not really seeing the weapons of Destruction that are being used and so if you are a victim of a female narcissist and you happen to have been her partner then it's it's worth it for you to look and say to yourself like when did she start withholding when did she start devaluing me as a man when did she start saying things or insinuating that I wasn't a man and what you'll see is that you're going to start to see a pattern emerge where when she was frustrated or when you caught her in a lie or when you wanted to discuss a family issue that it's not uncommon for a female narcissist to pull that card so withholding affection and sexuality in a relationship for a female is about dominance and control it's about creating a totem pole experience where you're below her where you are now graveling where you can feel the energy between you and she and you feel like you're at the end of the stick and she's at the top of the stick and you feel wrong and you are chasing after her approval and you are worried and concerned about when the two of you are going to get back into the sack when the two of you are going to be on Solid Ground again and again this is about dominance and control it's about power another specific trait narcissistic trait for a female is how much time she spends on the way that she looks and how important it is for her to not not only look good well everybody wants to look good but when it comes to a narcissistic female we're talking about an extreme we're talking about using her body again as a way to manipulate other people you'll notice narcissistic females can be oftentimes exhibit a lot of sexuality and I'm not talk I'm not saying that women shouldn't be sexual I'm not saying that and I'm not saying that women shouldn't be proud of being sexual creatures that's not what I'm saying there's nothing wrong with being a sexual creature but when you being a sexual creature is being used as a weapon when it's being used to weaponize other people for emotional mental physical spiritual and financial control then we've crossed Aline dear ones and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out so a narcissistic female who is highly sexual in her dress in her makeup in her jewelry whatever in the way that she's exposing herself will do it for a couple couple of reasons again there's it's not for the self it's not to feel good about the self it's to gain something from the outside a narcissist is trying to take something from someone on the outside and so a narcissistic female that is highly sexual and uses clothes for that reason one of two things she's trying to make other people other women specifically feel insecure she will flaunt her body she will flaunt the way that she is the way that she moves around other women husbands to make the other women feel insecure think about what I just said a narcissistic female is looking to take something from the females in the room so taking their ability to feel safe and secure around their husbands so she's looking to take something and she's using her sexuality to do that the second thing that she's trying to do is she's trying to get the attention again gain something from the outside from the men in the room she wants their attention she may or may not have any intention of taking it any further it's not about that with a female narcissist have I been able to take that man's confidence and intention off that movie screen or off his wife have I been able to control his eyes his gaze have I been able to take from the two of them the attention and I would say the safety and the commitment In This Moment have I been able to scar it Mar it or play with it a little bit that puts a smile on the face of a narcissistic female if you're a healthy female you want no part of that if you're a healthy female you do not want your friend's husband flirting with you it turns your stomach for a couple of reasons a I don't want to do that to my friend and B ew U yuck yuck yuck yuck I don't want that man looking at me at in that way at all I don't want him taking that attention from his female and putting it on me it makes you uncomfortable however a narcissistic female it's almost like she's lighting up like a Roman Candle when she's able to achieve that and that's a Telltale sign of a female narcissist another thing that is very very uh exclusive to female narcissists is their extreme emotionality their extreme guilt tripping their extreme grandiosity everything's extreme everything's dramatic and so we a male is more aggressive you'll see more which isn't good either but like a male can appear very calm and collected and very aggressive not always but in this situation we're talking about a female narcissist and a male narcissist that's become activated I'm not talking about a malignant Psychopathic violent narcissist and they do they do exist I'm talking about let's let's say the garden variety female and male narcissist so a female narciss narcissist you're calling her out on something a female narcissist is going to pull the emotional card she lacks empathy don't forget she feels entitled she lives off of manipulation and dominance she thrives off of making people feel less than so imagine what happens to her mind when you confront her and say I didn't like that you said that so what is go what you're going to no notice is this extreme emotional reaction and what I have found trips up a lot of men I've had this experience in my own life with my son who I believe was married to a female narcissist is my son would say things like I just thought that that's how women behaved right we've been conditioned over in society to think that women are just emotional that women are irrational and that's really unfortunate because it it takes away the legitimacy of a woman who has true concerns and truly wants to connect with her partner and groups us into a back bar of women who are exploiting other people through their emotions for a dramatic effect for to Trump what's happening right so if you think about two people arguing and you see someone who's flailing their hands and who's super emotional on the outside it looks like well that person must be right because they're so upset that's what a rational person will think like what did this person do to upset this person when it comes to a female narcissist the emotional reactions are always over the top they're always extreme whereas a man who is who you confront a narcissist may not have that much of an emotional reaction they can become aggressive they become passive aggressive but a female narcissist will use guilt she will shame you she will put you down she will use words like you always do this and you never show up for me which I think those are red flags anyone that says always and never uh they're just using a very wide paintbrush to to paint a picture um that suits their narrative and I'd much rather have a conversation with someone who is saying well I noticed that on this day you said this and on that day you said that I know you don't do this all the time however in this situation this is the response that I had and this is what I think is going on whereas a female narcissist is it's always and it's never and you're always wrong and there's a lot of guilt chipping another Telltale sign of a female narcissist is how her her neediness and she will exploit other people through her neediness she will play the victim card she will play the damsel and distress she will fake a limp she will complain about just about anything she has a headache and she woke up with a stomach ache and she really does exploit this concept of of being a female as being someone who should be taken care of by other people and it is completely off-balanced it is so uneven in a relationship so rather than a female Nar well if she wasn't a female narcissist she wouldn't feel this way in healthy relationships there are days that your partner is going to need you more than you need them and vice versa and there is this even exchange of okay for this time the a length of time my partner had cancer and I needed to be there for them the doctor's appointments the chemo the surgery whatever and then there might be a time where I'm I need my partner and now it's my time when you're dealing with the female narcissist the female narcissist is in competition with other people who are needy who are legitimately needy and so they could be they could be jealous of an infant that's born into the room because we're not paying attention to the needy female narcissist who wants us to do her laundry who wants us to hang her pictures who wants us to mow her lawn who wants us to drive her to the doctor there's no reason why she can't drive herself to the doctor but for some reason she's pulling this female card and she's weak and we can't possibly expect her to do anything for herself so she's exploiting this sense of neediness and she's also very jealous of anyone that comes into the experience that takes that attention away from her so she's somebody who's complaining about her stomach she's complaining about her headach she's complaining about things that don't even exist to control the conversation and she is someone who will actually be envious of children who enter the room because they're cute and they demand uh adults attention so what you'll notice with the female narcissist who is relying on this neediness and this learned helplessness to get other people to cater to her remember a narcissist wants something they're always looking to take and so imagine when a little baby comes into a room or somebody gets wheeled in on a wheelchair who has a broken foot and oh what happened to you what happened to you mark what you you had an accident the female narcissist who was riing on relying on this neediness to stay the center of attention and then to have everybody cater to her is going to see Mark who is legitimate issue as a threat so you'll start to see see her body movement change she might start to get angry she might pick on Mark or she might start to withhold love to her children or to her husband and they don't know what they did wrong all they did was give Mark a little bit of attention and took the focus off of her female narcissists tend to be guilt Trippers like tremendous guilt Trippers and they might say something like imagine if you had you had dinner Arrangement arrangements with Nancy The Narcissist sorry if there's any Nancy listening but imagine that you had dinner with uh arrangements with Nancy the narcissist and something happened with a family member and you needed to change the plan so Nancy might say something like well I guess your family is far more important to you than I am and I guess my friendship with you really isn't as important and I guess that I just have to accept that I'm second fiddle I just have to accept that I'm minc meat I just have to accept that you're the type of person who can at any point in time like change plans well I hope everything goes well with you and your family member right instead of saying and having empathy for the other your friend Nancy takes this position and she guilts you she's always the victim and so a female narcissist is very well known for Guilt tripping for this type of guilt tripping when you change plans or when you just don't meet their expectation so the last thing that I want to talk about is how you will notice a female narcissist in a group of friends a female narcissist in a group of friends is sort of like the rooster in the group group she wants to feel again energy she wants to feel let's say there are five women in the group she wants to feel like she is at the top of that pecking order so she is the one who's talking the most she is the one who's telling everybody where they're going to spend their vacation she is the one ordering the drinks for everybody she is the one telling people what to think how to think but she's also the one that's gossiping about other people in the group you're going to see this dnamic when someone else enters the group or a member of the friend group pushes back on her a little bit the person who pushes back simply by saying I didn't want that drink thank you anyway but I didn't order that drink I don't want it the fact that you push back and didn't let the female narcissist in the group control what you were drinking is going to trigger the narcissist and what will happen now is that you have shown her that you have the guts to say no to her so now now she has to pull out a dominance card she has to pull out a power and control card and she has to put you in your energetic place and the way that she'll do that is either to your face or she will behind your back talk to the other women in the group to control how they see you so what's really going on is that this female has her power in the group has been disrupted she doesn't like it and she has to take it back really really quick and so either she would she would push you back say something really sarcastic to you say something like oh I I saw Frank your ex-boyfriend cozying up to Susie um they looked really really happy the last time I saw them so it's a dig right like I saw your ex and then he looked really happy with Susie and he was never that happy with you zing you so in that moment she feels like she's got some energetic power back or if you don't fall for that or she doesn't pull that card then when you're not around she's going to put you down to the friends so as she's putting you down to the friends in her head she's manipulating how they see you and she's less threatened by you being in the group why are things like this important to know I think things like this are important to know because life can get messy and according to research narcissism is on the rise and last year or the year before gaslighting was actually the word of the year which I was so grateful for it because how many of us have been gaslit as children even and as adult and we didn't even know it were being gaslit so gaslighting is what happens when someone speaks to you in a way that causes you to doubt your sanity and it's a form of Psy psychological manipulation and why is it important that we as human beings recognize psychological manipulation I think it's important because we could be psychologically manipulated on so many levels and not even realize it which means that our minds our greatest commodity our focus our greatest most valuable asset because what I think about I create when I think about and focus on I become so if someone else or something outside of me is controlling my thinking controlling my feeling in a very real sense they're going to control my habits they're going to control my inner narrative my inner selft talk and my inner selft talk is what creates my reality I can't create outside of inner selft talk if everything is Doom and Gloom what does she think what does he think what going to happen here then I can't create what I want to create because that's creating a negative and it's coming from fear and so if we really want to live empowered lives then we really have to take stock and take hold of what might be happening in our relationship so that we can pull back so we can develop the mental toughness that we can heal from codependency if we need to so we can heal the inner child's wounds if that is part of why we're attracted to a grandiose narcissist who reminds us of our mother or our father in the first place so recognizing narcissists in our daily life is really helping us pull back it helps us develop the spirit of discernment it helps us recognize where we begin and where the other person ends and vice versa it helps us re reestablish a grounding Point within ourselves once I realized that I was codependent and once I realized I was raised by two unrecovered adult children of Alcoholics one more narcissistic than the other one more codependent than the other it allowed me to find the space that I was able to become the Observer of my childhood and then the Observer of the patterns and programs that were really running my life that I had no idea were running my life right until you understand the patterns and the programs that the subconscious level and why you feel the way you feel this is the problem dear ones we feel and we never question why we just do we react there isn't a whole lot of metacognition around how we feel and how we react and so I think that oftentimes the beginning of our journey at least for me this was it I was in such a bad toxic place with my ex and I was realizing that for for 12 years or 11 years at least I was representing codependency for my children and so I wasn't a healthy mom and I was using coping skills that work codependent they were codependent maladaptive behaviors worrying about people more than I worried about myself I was representing a nonself as a human being for my children and once that clicked I said to myself I've got to get out of this I have to get out of this toxic relationship with my ex-husband and try something different and so learning that I was codependent and then understanding narcissism in a family system as well it really was the beginning of an amazing Adventure it was very hard but it was also the the beginning of an amazing adventure and I love the quote if you find yourself walking through hell keep going because you're going to get to the other side of it and certainly in a codependent narcissistic relationship with a male or a female you have to come out of it and it's really going to be hard in the beginning but what choice do you have if you stay in the relationship it's only going to stti get worse it's never going going to get better if you stay in this relationship it's only a matter of time before you truly Lose Yourself and then what and so I suggest that if you in the beginning stages of recognizing codependency or if you're in the beginning stages of recognizing a narcissist in your life these this type of information can really Enlighten you to the point where you're able to make more conscious decisions about what you're dealing with and from that space now at least now that you've awakened and you're outside of your your mind and you're observing your mind you're observing the relationship in that space of Consciousness you can start designing your life on purpose and if you would like help doing this please visit my website at ww. Lisa roman.com and investigate the potentials that you have that you can work with me either personally or within one of my programs that will assist you in this healing and Recovery Journey it has been an honor today to serve you Namaste as a bow to the love and light that is Absol absolutely in you bye for now hey if you love this content don't forget to check out the next video and you can go to my website and take the codependency quiz

Channel: Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc

Views: 20,110

Keywords: behaviors of female narcissists, covert nacissist, covert narcissism, covert narcissist, female covert narcissist, female narcissism, female narcissist, female narcissists, gaslighting, how to spot a female narcissist, lisa a romano, male victims of narcissistic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic mother, narcissistic personality disorder, signs of narcissism, female narcissists traits, how narcissists control you, signs of female narcissism, narcissistic abuse healing

Id: iZDya5R7_hM

Length: 34min 35sec (2075 seconds)

Published: Sat Feb 24 2024