What is "projection"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)

hi everyone its dr. Romani and welcome back to this series on the glossary of handbook a dictionary of all the terminology that you run into when you're learning about narcissism or narcissistic relationships I put this series together because these terms are always floating out there but not everyone is always clear on what they mean this series is meant to bring some clarity onto these terms and hopefully not only enlighten and inform you but hopefully even give you techniques for understanding what to do when you're in the face of this today the term we're going to take on is projection before you keep going I'm always gonna ask you if you're enjoying this content or want to know more about this please hit the subscribe button in the Bell to get notifications and to subscribe to this channel to get ongoing notifications about the many videos we post I guess it is post on a weekly basis so let's talk about projection you look at your partner strangely when he or she accuses you of lying and manipulation you're a person who's fully aware of your own character flaws but lying and manipulation are just not things that you do in fact you chuckle to yourself well maybe in a sort of bleak way but you do chuckle to yourself and reflect on how bizarre it is that they are accusing you of the very thing that they do they may accuse you the narcissist in your life of lots of odd things accusing you of being angry when you're not saying that they think you feel disappointed about something when you're actually fine with it you may actually think right now and I'm sure you do think that I'm describing gaslighting but the accusation of something out of the pull out of the blue that is patently untrue is in fact a primitive defense that is called projection and yeah there's some gas lighting in there but it's projection so let's work backwards a little bit I'm gonna be a little professor for a minute and start with what exactly is a defense we all have defenses they protect our ego and they're designed to keep that uncomfortable and unacceptable and even threatening unconscious stuff under wraps Freud and his contemporaries introduced this framework of Defense's as sort of being these sort of psychological screens and sort of halls of mirrors that kind of twist things to protect our primitive stuff the fact is that all of us all of us rely on our defenses from time to time we may lie to avoid sharing an uncomfortable truth about ourselves we may hold a bizarrely strong opinion about something because it triggers a primitive wound or a primitive conflict common defenses include things like denial rationalization reaction formation sublimation and of course what we're talking about projection my work as a therapist is to work with clients to push through these defenses and give people a safe space to dig deeper because the defenses are like walls we need to get through now not all mental health practitioners fully ascribe to the concept of Defense's and I get that but however you think of it maybe you're going to think of them as ways of thinking they are way of protecting ourselves from that uncomfortable stuff that unsettles us psychologically and we don't really want to deal with so if defenses are normal when exactly do they become a problem they become a problem when a person over relies on those defenses as a way of relating with the world that these defenses in essence become the person's primary way of dealing with the world now let's go back to our narcissus for narcissus who have such fragile delicate egos there is no way that they're going to allow that fragile core to get threatened so for them it's all defences all the time projection it's the most classical defense of the narcissist and this is something that's been written about by that in the granddaddy's of the field Freud and kernberg and all of them now it makes sense because projection is deep and primitive just like the insecurities and the ego vulnerability of the narcissist projection happens when a person projects an unacceptable thought or behavior or feeling or an uncomfortable conflict onto someone else now what you've got to keep in mind and this is the tricky bit this is not a conscious process it's a bit like psychologically again throwing up something I've talked about before but it's like psychologically getting sick any one of you who's ever really really gotten sick knows that there's nothing you could have done to hold it back it just it comes out of you it happens quickly and sadly that's exactly how projection works the ridiculous awful false and confusing words and accusations come out and you look at these things that are coming at you confuse I think you're saying what huh and we but however when you attempt to explain or defend or make sense of them because it's unconscious for the person who's projecting on to you they don't take ownership of you of it and a person is a narcissist will likely start gaslighting you or calling you crazy or paranoid or insane projection happens with every single narcissist at that's one of the things that's a universal and it's a built-in part of the narcissistic pattern like I was referring to Freud before Freud's in Freud's early writings about narcissism as well as the writings of other really famous narcissism theoreticians like Otto kernberg they really delve in into how important this idea of projection this defense is to understanding the narcissistic personality style now do all of us sometimes engage in projection absolutely yes all of us do it all of us have those uncomfortable things those uncomfortable conflicts deep in us that we do accuse other people of and though in that defense and all those slips can take place at times when we feel vulnerable anxious or even just really fatigued the goal of therapy and particularly those kinds of therapies that focus on our early histories is to resolve those unresolved background issues so we do less of stuff like projection but for most of us when we engage in projection and someone points it out to us we recognize that we may have hurt someone or that we may have confused them and then we subsequently apologize and empathize with their confusion and and just sort of how upsetting that might have been narcissus however don't engage in that kind of restorative work they go on to their next favorite defense which is denial and then between denial and projection they've just doubled their bets on everything in the whole universe of projection projection bothers us because it's so confusing it doesn't feel good to have someone tell us we feel a certain way or did something or tell if someone tell us that we have a certain intention you're so jealous of me I'm not and it feels worse when you can't have a conversation about the fact that being accused of something doesn't feel good now if you don't know what projection is or that projection that you're being subjected to it then it all becomes even more confusing because if someone tells you that you are angry and you're actually having a perfectly good day it can really feel like you've stepped into the twilight zone but when you recognize that it's projection then it can really make sense to you and actually this is the point at which projection bizarrely enough can actually be your friend especially if you are managing a relationship with a narcissist remember that the narcissist is projecting that's something that's very uncomfortable about themselves or something that they're feeling onto you so if indeed their projection is inaccurate and this is where you've got to be you know honest okay so if there are times when a narcissist may say hey I think you're angry and in fact you are angry it may in part be yes a projection but it also may be true so you got to fess up when their projection in your reality actually line up but when projection takes place and it is patently inaccurate then instead of gearing up to defend yourself to them or getting into an argument about how wrong they are take a minute and pause pause stop and reflect that the thing that you're being accused of is actually reflective of their experience so it tells you something it's a piece of data about their inner world if they're calling you angry when you are absolutely not angry at all then they are likely angry when they accuse you of being jealous and you're not they're the ones who are jealous and this can actually be a bit of a useful parlor trick even beyond that when they start accusing you of things that really may be very untrue for example they accuse you of infidelity or cheating or micro cheating or some kind of affair or lying and you have noticed actually that it's their behavior that seems to be changing and maybe even veering in that direction it may in fact be an indicator that they're doing the very thing or at least thinking about the very thing that they are accusing you of now this idea of projection has definitely come into the public consciousness for example someone's just saying conversationally stop projecting your stuff onto me now so many of us are aware of it when it is happening to us we recognize that it's a projection but it's really important to recognize that the projector narcissists are not is often actually unaware of what he or she is doing so while it is annoying as hell talking about it serves no purpose so it's important that you don't expend psychological energy trying to explain it and talk about it narcissists project to protect themselves as is the case with all defense mechanism it tends to be though their preferred defense it protects the fragile and insecure ego from unacceptable and shameful stuff so that stuff gets rejected and then projected on whoever is the person who is unfortunate enough to be closest to them or someone who's very significant and a bit of a lightning rod for them now narcissus because it's sort of this primitively dysfunctional personality style they tend to over rely on all of their defense mechanisms not just projection projection just happens to be their favorite they also have other very popular defense mechanisms including denial rationalization and reaction formation and reaction formation is when a person takes an overly and passionate or even angry stand about something because it is the opposite of their truth the tendency of the narcissist to focus almost solely on appearances and superficial stuff is in line with protecting themselves it doesn't matter - that like doesn't matter if my internal psychological world is a mess as long as I portray a good shiny image to the world no one will ever know for those of us experiencing it it is very confusing to be in the face of projection until we know what it is then we are empowered to take the high road and see it as the defensive maneuver it is smile a quiet smile within ourselves as well as have a pang of pity for how fragile the narcissist is that they have to take those chaotic insides and put them outside and then there is also the fact that we all sometimes engage in projection all we can do is catch ourselves apologize remain mindful remain aware self monitor ourselves and always take a moment an attempt to restore trust and fix those ruptures when we are responsible for those things projection is confusing projection is primitive but when it happens we know it and then that idea that somebody is making accusations about our intentions or our behavior or our thoughts and feelings as though there's some kind of twisted fortune tellers and really hold to their guns that it's true don't engage this is really a time to step back nod politely recognize what you're in the face of and really save yourself a lot of trouble by not going into the fires there thank you again for tuning in I hope this is clarified your understanding on projection if you've ever been in a narcissistic relationship this is the one term the one pattern I guarantee that you have experienced so as as always when you experience it now you have a better idea of what to potentially do thanks again for tuning in and if you're enjoying the content your saying please hit the subscribe button or the bell and you will be informed of all of the content we have on this channel thanks again

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 306,946

Keywords: yt:cc=on

Id: 58kED7LSSBk

Length: 16min 34sec (994 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 18 2020