- It's so great to be here in mainland Polynesia. (audience laughing) There's Polynesians everywhere in Provo, huh? And it's a clean town, no homeless. Hawaii, homeless people all over the place. Homeless-- oh, it's the best part about living in Hawaii, right? Beautiful weather everyday. That's where you want to be homeless. But it's pretty sad. So we started a nonprofit where we hand out Bluetooth to the homeless. That way, when they're walking around talking to themselves-- (audience laughing) Gotta look legit. (mumbling) (audience laughing) Back home, we get the homeless haka. You guys ever saw the homeless haka? You got them here? (yelling) (audience laughing) I don't know who he's talking to? Oh, no. He has a Bluetooth. He must be yelling at his wife. (yelling) (audience laughing) You know what happens when you leave the islands, you come to the mainland? And the first thing we do-- because we live in the middle of the ocean-- we look for other Hawaii people. And we can usually spot them out. Boom. You see them with the Aloha shirt. Maybe we do a little bit of this, our gang sign, huh. Shaka. We have stickers on cars. Look, oh, Hawaii. Oh, he's from Hawaii. Or the Polynesian tattoos-- that's all you have to do now. Polynesian tattoo. I got one. I got a Polynesian tattoo. I had to take off my ex-wife's name. (audience laughing) So I had like authentic-- I had the hole-- not the gun. I had the "tat-tat-tat-tat-tat" into the chest. Yeah. Just cover the name. Look, oh, this guy did the whole Candy Land map around the areola area. (audience laughing) I was like ahh! (audience laughing) All right. It's a good Utah crowd! I'm digging it. I'm digging it. It's awesome coming to the mainland, and I get to be Mexican for three days. (audience laughing) Obviously, I'm not a Polynesian. My dad is full-blooded Filipino. My mom is white. So when you mix white and brown, Mexican, right? On it like-- you can't run away from it. In Hawaii, we know because we're so multi-culturally. And we know each other's nationality. Like I know Korean, Japanese, Filipino I know. Here, Mexican. I just have to deal with it. It's OK. Sorry, do I-- look, I was in Los Angeles two days ago. I'm out getting my coffee first thing in the morning. And I'm happy, yeah, yeah. I'm a man. White truck pull up. (whistles) "You need work? "You need work? (audience laughing) "You need work? "Come on!" (audience laughing) No, I want to get coffee. (audience laughing) I'm Filipino. "Come on! "You need work!" (audience laughing) And I have Filipino uncles with a heavy accent. Do you ever talk to a Filipino man with a heavy accent? I love talking to them. They make me laugh. My Filipino uncle, I was talking to him about COVID. I was like, you would get the vaccine? "Boxing? "Oh, yeah, I like boxing. "That's good. "Manny Pacquiao, whoa! "Number one Filipino boxer "in the whole wide world. "Good boxing. "Oh! "I like that. "Wow. "I like the boxing." No, uncle. The vaccine-- for COVID vaccine. "No, I don't like that. "That's the devil. "I don't like that. "It's not good. "I don't need the shot. "I don't need the shot. "I put Vicks. "I put Vicks, the Vicks VapoRub. "I put the Vicks. "And I eat soup. "Eat soup. "You take Tylenol. "You put mask. "No, social distance. "You see this-- "But boxing, OK. "Boxing, that's the one." Filipinos, we box. I boxed. I was a 1986 Golden Gloves champion for Hawaii. (audience cheering) Yeah. There's pros and cons to that. Pros and cons to that. When you do real good and you represent your family, what happens is you go to parties and they all like test you out because you're the guy, right? You go to the party, but it's like, "hey, I heard you box. "Why don't you put the gloves on? "Let me see what you got." Like, no, come on. It's a party. "Put the gloves on. "Come on. "Hit me." All right. You see how I block? You see how I block? That's the peekaboo style. Protect you head. Protect your body. OK, watch it, I will hit you. Ooh. Oh. Uh, you really rough, huh. OK. Come on. Ha, ha, boom! Stupid. (audience laughing) Grandma, you OK, grandma? No. (audience laughing) I told you, I don't want to play. Come on, grandma. Open your mouth. Here's your teeth. Ah, ah, ah. (audience laughing) I grew up in public housing. I grew up-- yeah, there's public housing in Hawaii. I grew up poor. I grew up around a lot of Polynesians in public housing. All my friends were big Samoan guys. Yeah, we used to sit around and dream that maybe one day, we'll have a Samoan superhero or a Polynesian superhero. Well, we got one-- Jason Momoa, The Rock, yeah. Because we dreamt, we put it out there in the universe. Well, we used to sit there going, Can you imagine a Samoan superhero? Come on, Utah. You see how big these guys are. By day, they're the custodian. (audience laughing) But at night, he become super Sully Succor! Super Sully, Super Sully. someone's trying to steal a car. "Pass me my super rock. "Pass me my super rock. "Get away from the car." (audience laughing) We didn't have the white Santa Claus. We had the Samoan Santa Claus. "Hey, (speaks samoan) . "come over here. "Come over here. "What is your name?" Augie. "Ugly?" (audience laughing) No, sir. Augie. "That's what I say, Ugly." Sir, Augie! "Ugly!" Augie! "Hey, hey, don't yell at me. "I'm going to punch your face, Ugly. "And you're really going to be ugly, "Ugly." (audience laughing) I sit around and watch TV shows and Survivor, Samoa. Anybody saw a Survivor, Samoa? - Whoo! - You looked like the Polynesian guy. - Yeah. - What nationality? - Hawaiin. - Oh, right on. Yeah. Chiw! - Yeah. - All right, perfect. See? That's a sentence right there in Hawaii, right? - Ji-hu! - Ji-hu. - All right. (audience laughing) - We speak a different dialect. I don't know if you guys know this. You go to Hawaii-- anybody from Hawaii tonight? Clap your hands. (clapping) Three. Anybody ever been to Hawaii? (audience cheering) All right, so you know. We have our own unique language. Like, we talk differently from everybody else. That's another thing that we listen for when we're on the mainland, right? We're listening for that-- we don't talk in complete sentences. We cut everything in half. Like, the average person would say, hey, Billy, I'll see you on the weekend. Have a great one. Local guys, we just go, "OK," and then we leave. We're done. We don't say, can you please repeat that? I don't understand what you're saying. Please repeat that. We don't say stuff like that. We just go, "hah?" That's it. That's what we do. We're very simple-minded people, simple. But I'm watching Survivor Samoa. And I'm like, where's the Samoans? Where are the Polynesians? I would love to have seen like an immunity challenge, they got all the people out on the beach. "All right, for today's immunity "challenge, Ofe is going to come out "of the bushes and punch "you in your face. "If you can take that, "you win immunity. (audience laughing) "Stay still. "Close your eyes. "Close your eyes." (audience laughing) Growing up poor in Hawaii, Christmas time sucked. I mean, how many of you guys grew up poor? Clap your hands. (audience clapping) All right, there's a lot of people. Christmas-- poor-- not having-- we only could afford one walkie talkie. That's how bad it was. We had to share. Ernie, Ernie, you there? "Yeah, we there." We're over here, stupid. Getting mad, I'm talking to my dad. Dad, can you buy us walkie talkies? And my dad, "walkie talkie too "expensive. "Make cup and string." How many of you guys remember cup and string? You look like you played cup and string a long time ago. (audience laughing) Remember cup and string? Your brother would be 25 feet away. "Ernie, can you hear me?" (audience laughing) Yeah, Augie, I can hear you. "That's because you're 25 feet away. "This walkie talkie sucks, Earnie!" (audience laughing) We grew up poor. Couldn't afford books, right, so my parents used to read us the electric bill. (audience laughing) Couldn't relate to any of the kids at camp. Everybody's talking about the boogie man. Me and my brother are talking about the electric man. And then he came to our house and cut off all our electricity. We were so scared. (audience laughing) Toys for Tots, remember Toys for Tots? Now it's new gifts. When we was growing up, it was like, you know-- what do they call that? Slightly used-- yeah, we had Toys for Tots, liked used. We'd get like GI Joe without the arm. Barbie doll with leukemia. You guys know what I'm talking about? All the dots in her head, a couple of strands hair sticking out.
