How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

this video is sponsored by Skillshare click the link in the description for more information being someone who pleases people sounds on the face of it like a very good idea but it's a pattern of behavior riddled with problems as much for the perpetrator as for their audience the people pleaser is someone who might at times be oneself who feels they have no option but to mold themselves to the expectations of others and yet harbors all manner of secret and appoints dangerous reservations and resentments they act like the perfect lover when their real feelings are much darker they give their assent to plans they hate and they confuse everyone around them by failing to express in due time with the requisite courage their authentic needs and ambitions putting it bluntly we could say that the people pleaser is a liar it sounds brutal but the people pleaser is lying for poignant reasons not in order to gain advantage but because they are terrified of the displeasure of others to understand and potentially sympathise with the people pleaser we need to look at that past which almost invariably involves an early experience of being around people usually a mother or father who seemed to be radically and terrifyingly incapable of accepting and forgiving certain necessary but perhaps tricky facts about their child perhaps our father flew into volcanic rage at any sign of disagreement to present an opposing political idea to suggest we wanted something different to eat to be frank about our tiredness or anxiety all these could threaten us with annihilation to survive we needed to be acutely responsive to what others expected us to do and say the very question of what we might really want became secondary to an infinitely more important priority manically second-guessing the desires of those on whom at that time our lives depended we didn't always lie out of fear it was also often out love for someone we were profoundly attached to but who was vulnerable in some way we lied at a belonging not to set off another marital Rao a desire to keep a depressive parent in a good mood and to avoid adding a further burden to what seemed like an already very difficult or sad life who were we to make things even more complicated for a fragile person we cared for however understandable the origins of our behavior in the more reflexive moments of adulthood we might find three paths out from these difficult patterns of people pleasing the first relies on reminding ourselves that our colleagues partners and friends are almost certainly very different from the people around whom our anxieties evolved in childhood most humans can cope quite well with a bit of contradiction a dose of unwelcome information or an occasional rejection delivered with requisite politeness the other is not going to explode or dissolve we learned a very particular habit of relating to the world around a group of people who were not representative of humanity as a whole secondly we need to acknowledge the inadvertently harmful side effects of our behavior we may genuinely have good intentions but we are endangering everyone by not speaking more frankly at work we aren't doing anyone a service by withholding our doubts and reservations and in love there is no kindness in staying in a relationship simply because it seems the other might not survive without us they will but we will have wasted a lot of their time through our sentimentality finally we can acquire the confidence to be artful about the difficult messages we have to impart as a child we couldn't new us the messages we wanted to send out we didn't know how to craft our raw pain and needs into convincing explanations but now it's open to us to be firm in our views but extremely genial as well we can say no while indicating that we feel a lot of goodwill we can say someone is wrong without implying that they are an idiot we can leave someone while ensuring they realize how much a relationship meant to us we can in other words be pleasant without being people pleasers we partnered with Skillshare today as it is a fantastic starting point for anyone also looking to learn new skills and they have given us an amazing offer to pass on to you the first 500 people to sign up using the link in the description will receive a two-month free trial if you haven't heard of Skillshare before it's home to thousands of classes in graphic design animation web development music photography design and more you can start learning how to do just about anything in two months you could easily learn the skills you need to start a new hobby or business is there a project that you've been dreaming of completing but just aren't sure if you have the skills to do it why not start right now and sign up to skill share using the link below you

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Views: 1,244,018

Rating: 4.9475865 out of 5

Keywords: the school of life, alain de botton, self, improvement, big questions, schooloflife, people pleaser syndrome, how to stop being a people pleaser and take control of your life, stop people pleasing, personal development, life coaching, self improvement, 如何过你自己的生活, PL-SELF, como parar de tentar agradar os outros, comment arrêter d'essayer de faire plaisir aux autres, wie man aufhört, anderen zu gefallen, cómo dejar de complacer a los demás, कैसे दूसरों को खुश करने के लिए चाहते रोकना

Id: 8hYTPl7MkiA

Length: 5min 31sec (331 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 12 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/fedupwithpeople]

I am one. Working on it, but it's so easy to slip right back into it without realizing it.

[u/chambreezy]

Let's all build an island. People pleasers only, it should work.

[u/bicameral_mind]

Definitely relate to this, probably one of my worst qualities. I care too much about what people think of me, care too much about not offending them, and deeply fear confrontation or judgement. It's a fine line between being respectful and not standing up for your own needs.

In my current relationship this is a real problem. I know there is no future here, but I also do care about this person I'm with. I find myself lying all the time to keep the peace, which makes me feel awful. And I grow resentful about the ways in which we are incompatible affect me yet put up with them. Even when things have come to a head in the past, and we were on the verge of splitting up, I fell over myself to keep it going when that's, deep down, not what I really want. Just the thoughts that it's my fault and they're hurting and upset with me, true or not, pushed me into action.

[u/jaywalk98]

Wow I feel personally attacked. But for real this was very informative and something that I did not realize is a huge (the major) problem in my life and the way I interact with other people. Thank you for this video.

[u/--NiNjA--]

You shouldn't "Stop" being a people pleaser. That's how shitty and annoying people are made. Just aim at taking more control over yourself.

[u/arghsinic]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0uKnF_6E0Q

[u/mrjosemeehan]

School of Life is shit content. They shoehorn loose references to philosophy and psychology into their weird cultish self-help advice videos to sell overpriced bullshit to insecure people.

[u/Half_Time_Show]

Only in the last two years have a made major strides in correcting this within myself. I only started becoming more assertive when work became so unbearable. Probably wouldn't have changed otherwise.

[u/wisdom_and_frivolity]

I wonder how this applies to people who are normally societally adjusted but have one or two people they can't say no to that abuse the relationship.