This Is What Happens When You Stop Chasing An Avoidant

today we're going to talk about what happens when you stop chasing an avoidant i'm going to break this down for you really we're going to be looking at three specific criteria or things when we're looking at this topic as a whole which is basically what usually happens when you stop chasing an avoidant kind of diving into the psychology a little bit there if people with avoidant attachment styles secretly want you to chase them and why people with avoidant attachment styles give you mixed signals alright so let's get started what is it that usually happens when you stop chasing and avoid it well we found that out of the four main attachment styles avoidance tend to need more space than anyone else they often fall into this i want you but go away mentality which can lead a lot of our clients confused as to what an avoidant really wants and in this section of the video i'd like to specifically talk about the psychology of why it's so important for you to stop chasing an avoidant if you want to have a happy and healthy relationship with them first things first though what is an avoidant attachment style simply put you have an avoidant attachment style if you have a very positive view of yourself and a very negative view of others you tend to avoid conflict or intimacy in a relationship for fear of losing yourself in that relationship and in some cases you may actually deny the fact that you're doing this all in all being in a relationship with these individuals can be notoriously difficult over the years if we've studied avoidance we've learned exactly what works on them for instance avoidance usually need more space than any other attachment style and the reasoning is simple it makes them feel more independent and safe which is really what they want at their core and if you want to get really technical we can even trace this back to their childhood now according to free2attach.com one of the best avoidant resources i've ever found avoidance are protective of their own space and can withdrawal totally not always being present when together growing up they were only able to get comfort and relief from anxiety by being alone so they're used to being by themselves and when upset they don't really know how to get relief or comfort from someone without getting space from them so their safe space is literally found in space now that's a pretty simple concept to understand but there's one fly in the ointment most of our clients going through breakups coming to us trying to heal from a breakup or trying to get their exes back tend to have anxious attachment styles and they are on the complete other end of the spectrum an anxious attachment styles greatest fear is this fear of being abandoned and as a result they derive meaning in their relationships from their closeness so a lot of times our work with anxious individuals is helping them recognize that they have to go against their internal programming if they want to see success with their avoidant partner we've recently had a lot of success stories in our private facebook support group with avoidant x's and specifically there was an interview i did with a woman named heather who i interviewed for close to 45 minutes and she readily admitted that she adopted our famous when they pull back you pull back mantra in regards to her ex and after an admittedly long period of time her ex ended up coming back to her citing that she just got him and the truth is this is someone who coached with one of her coaches coach anna and coach anna didn't really reinvent the wheel with her all she ended up doing was explaining the basics to her on what works with avoidance it's kind of like teaching an anxious person how to speak an avoidant person's language so that the avoidant person feels heard and oftentimes that's by giving them space but this brings up another interesting element to this real quick i want to say that if you're new to this youtube channel or you're trying to figure out what you should be doing to get your ex back and you're trying to learn if you even have a chance in your specific circumstance probably the smartest thing for you to do is actually stop by our website www.exboyfriendrecovery.com or take our ex recovery chances quiz that can be found at xboyfriendrecovery.com now if you're watching this on youtube taking that free quiz is super easy to do all you have to simply do is look in the description link below this youtube video and click on the link you see there it will take you directly to the quiz where you can fill it out and get an easy answer on what you should be doing going forward and overall what your chances look like in your specific situation all right so let's get you back to the video do avoidance secretly want you to chase them recently i've been talking a lot about the anxious and avoidant self-fulfilling cycle which i think actually kind of answers this query pretty well so here's how it works there's basically like eight steps to this anxious and avoidant cycle that keeps going around and around like a wheel the avoidant thinks i just want someone to love me so they hook up with an anxious attached person and think they've found someone and that their troubles are over then they notice some worrying things that anxious person won't give them any space so they start thinking of leaving then they actually leave then they're happy that they left then the loneliness begins to creep in and then after they leave them they think to themselves why can't i ever find the right person which leads them right back to the beginning of the cycle thinking well i just want someone to love me and around and around the avoiding ghosts now it's a mistake to automatically assume that just because an avoidant isn't great with emotional intimacy they don't want it they do they're just their own worst enemy when they let someone close at the heart of every avoidant lie is this really simple paradox i want to let someone close but not close enough to allow them to hurt me but we're getting a bit off topic here the ultimate thing we're trying to determine is if an avoidant actually wants you to chase them and i think the answer to that is they do but only on their own terms for example last year we found out some really interesting facts about breakups specifically avoidance so after an avoidant breaks up with you they won't miss you until they feel like there's no chance of ever reuniting with you why well it's because that's when they feel they're safest there's no risk of losing their independence since the two of you already broken up and as a result they live with that nostalgic reverie hit we've seen a few avoidance actually begin chasing if they're in this stage admittedly that's more rare than it is common but it does happen which leads me to my final points why do avoidance often give you such mixed signals in relationships i think the answer to this question is simple to hear but difficult to understand it's important to remind yourself that avoidance live with this inherent contradiction in their day-to-day life they want to let people close so they can experience love but they don't want to let people close enough that they could end up hurt and if you look at their world in that way their mixed signals begin to make a lot more sense and what we really noticed is every avoidant has certain commitment tipping points that set them off where you're likely to see a shift in their behavior so some of those tipping points can include getting asked out on a date becoming official talking about moving in together actually moving in together talking seriously about marriage looking at rings together getting married getting engaged having a child together what you're gonna notice is that each of these tipping points requires some new level of commitment or intimacy and essentially what can happen is when you encounter a tipping point that's when they're a lot more likely to avoid and it all is based around this expectation from the avoidant that they're going to lose their independence and essentially what they're doing is they're raging against this and most people who are anxious who are in a relationship with an avoidant will try to solve the problem by doing what they do best problem solving it's one of the anxious person's greatest traits according to coach tyler one of our coaches now the issue is that the problem solving isn't going to work in this case all it ends up leading to is pushing the avoidant further away i'm very big into focusing on the factors that you can control which in this case is giving and avoidant space and i think it's important if you're an anxious person you have an anxious personality i think it's important for you to hear that is okay to let an avoidant feel the way they want to feel often anxious individuals can't cope with the fact that an avoidant may be having second thoughts and as a result they'll end up overcrowding that avoidance and making them feel like they want to leave so as weird as it sounds one of the smartest things you can do when you're in a relationship or going through a breakup with an avoidant personality is to simply let them feel how they want to feel their entire lives they've learned how to cope with these complicated emotions alone and no matter how great a love story the two of you have you aren't going to be able to reprogram a lifetime of practice in a matter of days so when they pull back you pull back it's as simple as that

Channel: Chris Seiter

Views: 405,979

Keywords: this is what happens when you stop chasing an avoidant, should i stop chasing my ex, what happens when you stop chasing an avoidant, avoidant ex, ex, ex recovery, breakups, breakup advice, relationships, relationship advice, chris seiter

Id: RKRoOGJG2p4

Length: 9min 27sec (567 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 14 2022