- [Narrator] When it
comes to relationships, everyone has their own
way of showing love. Sometimes, these behaviors
and thought processes can be negative rather than positive. According to a study, children who had a secure relationship with their parents growing up tend to have better interpersonal
relationships later on, while children who had
more unstable relationships are more likely to have
unhealthy behaviors and instability in relationships. Dr. Milan and Kay Yerkovich determined that there are
five different love styles that often are determined
by your childhood. So what does each love style
say about your childhood? One. The avoider. People with the avoider-type love style often come off as distant or unengaged. They don't allow
themselves to feel emotions in order to protect themselves
and often feel uncomfortable when other people around
them get emotional. Avoiders value their personal
space away from other people. If you have the avoider love style, as a child, you may
have grown up in a home that didn't show a lot of affection, that put more focus on being
independent and self-reliant. If you were upset by something, you may not have gotten
the comfort you needed, whether it be emotional or physical. Maybe at some point, you stopped paying attention
to your own feelings and needs so that you could deal
with the stress and anxiety from having little to no comfort from your parents or caretakers. Two. The vacillator. The term, vacillate, means to alternate or waiver between different
opinions or actions, or in other words, to be indecisive. If you have the
vacillator-type love style, you may tend to idealize
new relationships. However, when the other person
shows any trait or behavior that you didn't imagine, you begin to doubt the relationship and may even consider ending
the relationship altogether. As a child, you probably grew up with
an unpredictable parent. Maybe they were always finding
a reason to leave home, going out often or
meeting new people often, even when you needed them. Whatever the case may have been, your needs weren't your
parents' first priority. Because of this, you may have developed
a fear of abandonment due to the fact that you didn't receive consistent affection from your parents. As both a child and an adult, you also probably were very
sensitive and perceptive, noticing even the slightest sign that someone in your life
was distancing themselves. Three. The controller. If you have the controller love type, you probably feel the need to
have control in a relationship to avoid the vulnerable, negative feelings you
experienced as a child. By being in control, you can ensure that
you limit your exposure to feelings like humiliation,
fear, and helplessness. The one emotion doesn't make
you feel vulnerable is anger, so you may use anger to
express your emotions. You probably have a particular
way you like things done, and when those expectations aren't met, you may get angry or stressed. If you identify as a controller, you probably grew up in a home where there wasn't a sense of protection. When there was some sort
of harm in your life, no one was there to make
sure you were kept safe. You didn't like stepping
out of your comfort zone and did whatever you could to keep yourself from
experiencing negative feelings. You learn to be emotionally tough and how to take care of yourself because if you didn't, you were susceptible to being hurt. Four. The pleaser. Someone with the pleaser
love type has the main focus of making sure others
around them are happy, even if it means sacrificing
their own wants and needs in order to do so. Pleasers have a habit
of monitoring the moods of those around them to make
sure they are kept happy. If someone has a negative change in mood, the pleaser may have an internal struggle with feeling anxious, upset, or stressed. If you're a pleaser, you don't enjoy or handle conflict easily, so you may lie or do or say
what the other person wants just to avoid conflict. It's often hard for a pleaser to say no. As a child, you grew up with a parent
who was overly protective, angry, or critical. They may have had overly high standards they wanted you to meet, and if you didn't do
as well as they wanted, you wouldn't get a positive
response from them. People usually saw you as the good kid. Rather than receiving
comfort from your parents, you may have actually
been giving them comfort when they were being reactive
or apologizing for things that were out of your control. Because your parents reacted in such ways, you may have done whatever you could to avoid getting a negative
response from them, even if it meant lying about something. Five. The victim. Victims often lack self-worth and more than likely suffer
from depression or anxiety. Rather than living, they just tend to go through the motions. In relationships, it's not uncommon for them to
gravitate toward a controller as they mimic what they
experienced in childhood. Victims are used to complying. They find it easier or even comforting to be with a controller in order to get by as that's what they're used to. If you have the victim love style, you probably grew up in a chaotic home. You had parents that would
be angry or even violent. Learning to be compliant
helped keep any attention off of yourself. Did you ever use your imagination to escape the negativity surrounding you? That's common with victims as being fully present
is too painful for them. These five love styles help us understand more of the negative
way we react and behave in relationships, and also why we are this way due to our childhood experiences. Did you relate to any of these styles? Leave a comment below and let us know if any
of these love styles describe you and your childhood. If you find this video insightful, share it with someone who
would benefit from it. Don't forget to like this video and subscribe to Psych2Go
for more psychology videos. Thanks for watching and
we will see you soon. (lighthearted music)
