[♪♪♪] (Bell rings) When it comes to relationships, everyone has their own way of showing love Sometimes these behaviours and thought processes can be negative rather than positive According to a study, children who had a secure relationship with their parents growing up tend to have better interpersonal relationships later on While children who had more unstable relationships are more likely to have unhealthy behaviours and instability in relationships Dr. Milan and Kay Yerkovich determined that there are five different love styles that often are determined by your childhood So, what does each love style say about your childhood? One: The Avoider People with The Avoider type lifestyle often come off as distant or unengaged They don't allow themselves to feel emotions in order to protect themselves and often feel uncomfortable when other people around them get emotional Avoiders value their personal space away from other people If you have The Avoider love style, as a child, you may have grown up in a home that didn't show a lot of affection that put more focus on being independent and self-reliant if If you are upset by something, you may not have gotten the comfort you needed whether it be emotional or physical Maybe, at some point, you stop paying attention to your own feelings and needs so that you could deal with the stress and anxiety from having little to no comfort from your parents or caretakers Two: The Vacillator The term vacillate means to alternate or waver between different opinions or actions or, in other words, to be indecisive If you have The Vacillator type love style, you may tend to idealize new relationships However, when the other person shows any trait or behaviour that you didn't imagine, you begin to doubt the relationship and may even consider ending the relationship altogether As a child, you probably grew up with an unpredictable parent Maybe they were always finding a reason to leave home going out often or meeting new people often even when you needed them Whatever the case may have been, your needs weren't your parents first priority Because of this, you may have developed a fear of abandonment due to the fact that you didn't receive consistent affection from your parents As both a child and an adult, you also probably were very sensitive and perceptive Noticing even the slightest sign that someone in your life was distancing themselves Three: The Controller If you have the controller love type, you probably feel the need to have control in a relationship to avoid the vulnerable negative feelings you experienced as a child By being in control, you can ensure that you limit your exposure to feelings like humiliation, fear, and helplessness The one emotion that doesn't make you feel vulnerable is anger. So you may use anger to express your emotions You probably have a particular way you like things done and when those expectations aren't met you may get angry or stressed If you identify as a Controller, you probably grew up in a home where there wasn't a sense of protection When there was some sort of harm in your life, no one was there to make sure you were kept safe You didn't like stepping out of your comfort zone and did whatever you could to keep yourself from experiencing negative feelings You learned to be emotionally tough and how to take care of yourself Because if you didn't, you are susceptible to being hurt Four: The Pleaser Someone with The Pleaser love type has the main focus of making sure others around them are happy Even if it means sacrificing their own wants and needs in order to do so Pleasers have a habit of monitoring the moods of those around them to make sure they are kept happy If someone has a negative change in mood, The Pleaser may have an internal struggle with feeling anxious, upset, or stressed If you're a pleaser, you don't enjoy or handle conflict easily So you may lie or do or say what the other person wants just to avoid conflict It's often hard for a Pleaser to say "No". As a child, you grew up with a parent who was overly protective, angry, or critical They may have had overly high standards they wanted you to meet and if you didn't do it as well as they wanted, you wouldn't get a positive response from them People usually saw you as 'the good kid' Rather than receiving comfort from your parents, you may have actually been giving them comfort when they were being reactive or apologizing for things that were out of your control Because your parents reacted in such ways, you may have done whatever you could to avoid getting a negative response from them Even if it meant lying about something Five: The Victim Victims often lack self-worth and more than likely suffer from depression or anxiety Rather than living, they just tend to go through the motions In relationships, it's not uncommon for them to gravitate toward a controller as they mimic what they experienced in childhood Victims are used to complying They find it easier, or even comforting, to be with a controller in order to get by As that's what they're used to If you have The Victim love style, you probably grew up in a chaotic home. You had parents that would be angry or even violent Learning to be compliant helped keep any attention off of yourself Did you ever use your imagination to escape the negativity surrounding you? That's common with victims As being fully present is too painful for them These five love styles help us understand more of the negative way we react and behave in relationships And also why we are this way, due to our childhood experiences Did you relate to any of these styles? Leave a comment below and let us know if any of these love styles describe you and your childhood If you find this video insightful, share it with someone who would benefit from it Don't forget to like this video and subscribe to Psych2Go for more psychology videos Thanks for watching and we will see you soon
