How to leave a narcissist

one of the hardest things that you'll ever have to do is to leave someone that you love no that goes for relationships in which there's abuse as well that just complicates things a bit more if you're going to leave a narcissistic or other abusive person whether that's in your family it's a partner of yours it's a roommate of yours or even you're in this work environment you're gonna need to take some extra precautions and make some extra preparations for your move so in this video I'm gonna give you the how to leave a narcissist [Music] so when you need to leave an abusive person and again that could be an intimate relationship a family or family member that could be a landlord neighbors it could be a work situation and it could even be a friendship if you want to be a separate video that I did on narcissistic frenemies check the link that I put up here in the corner so when you want to leave one of these relationships usually what happens is what starts this whole process something happens that suddenly breaks through your denial and the truth is staring you in the face and you're left to ask yourself okay now what so that tends to be the premise now I'm gonna give you eight steps to leave the narcissist step one shields up this means new boundaries that could be physical boundaries mental emotional financial any kind of boundary that you can start to put into place to give yourself a little bit more distance from the situation and to start to recover your power because we can't control how other people behave we can only control what we allow from them step two is observation this is where you put into place respond versus react if you haven't seen the recent podcast episode I did on that check that out that's my most recent information on this topic but I also have more videos on this topic I'll put that link up here in the corner for you so when you respond instead of react first you're gonna start to breathe to buy yourself some time and to get some clarity over the situation what you're gonna notice is you don't want to take the bait when you don't take the bait from the abuser you start to reserve your energy you're gonna need this energy for the extraction process then once you've also not invested your energy and that whole drama play you're going to be able to observe things a lot better and start to notice more patterns step three is feeling this is where you're going to start to notice how you feel how you feel emotionally how you feel in your body but you're not gonna share this with the abuser it's very important this is for you and for you only and this is very valuable but it's also very important that you don't go to your abuser looking for love looking for support looking for understanding or even trying to make them responsible for your feelings you simply want to check in all day long and ask yourself how you're feeling now that's going to be a challenge with the PTSD numbness because right now if you're still in that situation you're in a trauma state so you're under survival so your whole being your body your brain your nervous system is putting your emotions on lockdown it could be hard to get in touch with those when you're in the moment you'll also notice that there's a normalization of the fear of the terror and of the anxiety that you feel in that relationship so some of that will start to come up as you're able to start focusing on your feelings step 4 is education this is where you're learning about abuse and the behaviors and patterns of abuse you're learning all this terminology quietly you are not sharing this with the abuser you're not putting it in their face calling them out you're simply observing a label for the behavior every time that they're doing something abusive and manipulative so you start labeling that and we're gonna get is this immediate sense of relief because of the understanding of what's going on that you didn't understand before step 5 is recapping the story this is where you're gonna start practicing to own your reality you're gonna narrate to yourself in your mind the story the stories as things have taken place now if you can write this down in a safe place if you're afraid that your abuser is gonna go searching for your stuff and find it don't do that the point is all of this is done in secret and you're not having this argument with that person remember that time this happened or you did this you're only rehashing that story and reminding yourself of the reality in your mind this is going to help you to label those abuse tactics every time you're having a memory and you're processing those memories you're telling yourself that story you're putting the label the terminology on the abuse patterns that's starting to dissipate the fog in your brain that's starting to give you more clarity it's starting to restore your memory and it's most definitely helping you to face the truth step six is plan now this is gonna be secretly you're not gonna nounce this you're not gonna tell the abuser about this you're not gonna post this on social media this is all happening secretly and during this planning process you're gonna need to enlist allies so if for you that means a domestic violence shelter or maybe it means family members that are gonna help you get out of there a place that you're gonna go once you move out maybe you need to hire movers make all kinds of arrangements maybe some of your friends can help you with something you want to enlist allies but again they need to keep this plan all top secret you need to be able to stay one step ahead of the abuser you're gonna act normal you're not gonna let them know that anything is up or anything is going on and as long as you stay one step ahead of them you're gonna be able to carry out your plan when they least expect it step seven is to make a move this is where you get out of the insane asylum this is where you've planned the move for the day that your partner or your family member or your roommate or your landlord or whomever is unavailable that means they're working and you know they're not gonna come home or they're traveling or they're out for a long period of time with their friends you know that they're gonna be out that's when you get yourself out of there with the help of your allies hopefully or the worst case scenario hiring movers to get yourself out of there and to get yourself to a safe place they cannot know that this is going to happen now a different situation is if it's your place and the abuser needs to leave it's your home it's the apartment that you're renting they moved in with you somehow that happened that they're in your space and you need to get them out you might need to get an attorney and/or the police involved to help them get their stuff out or what I've heard from other people is they collect all their stuff they rent a storage unit they paid the first month only and then they send the abuser the key in the mail or they leave it at someone's house like their mother their father some of they're in contact with or they can get the key to the storage with a note that simply says the first month is paid you'll need to pay the rent or remove your stuff by this date or they're gonna sell your stuff and you'll lose all your stuff and that's the end now of course if they moved out of your space you're going to need to change the locks right away because they had keys to that so maybe you never get that key back even if they give you the key back change the locks because you don't know if they made a copy another great idea is to install security cameras because they know where you live so they're probably going to try to get in touch with you they could even do some kind of gas lighting which I mentioned in a recent video I'll put that link up here if you want to check it out they might be bothering your stuff or doing something playing pranks on you so having security cameras outside would be a really good idea if at all possible I would suggest that you move because that's just going to completely clear you from the radar of that abuser they will have no idea where you are they won't be able to bother you step 8 is no contact so maybe you need to send one message about the storage unit about something about vacating the property about you know I left the keys on the counter and I've moved out this is the end whatever that last text is do not get into explanations do not get into anything emotional how you feel all of that you're simply sending an end of the line message and after that you block the person you cut them off of your social media you no longer have any contact whatsoever with them or with the mutual contacts with their family with their friends with their potential flying monkeys so you've blocked them you've deleted them there's no more contact with them and there's no more talking about things they might take another avenue to try to get in contact with you something you didn't think about blocking or they took another number or something maybe they're gonna want to talk about things now remember they didn't want to talk about things before they couldn't work things out before they're not to change their an abusive person there's no more talking talking is done so you can just go ahead and ignore that message and immediately block whatever Avenue it was that they use to get to you so if you want to know more about no contact I'm gonna link a playlist that I did on that topic up here I also have a more recent podcast episode on the topic of no contact so to wrap this up it's very very important that you maintain secrecy as you're planning and executing leaving the narcissist it is no joke the most dangerous point for the victim and that could be male or female is the moment when you're leaving because that's when the abuser has nothing left to lose that's when a victim often ends up dead so please take precautions make sure that you've taken the time to plan this out that you're doing that insuk in in secrecy and that you're enlisting allies even if you have to pay for them to help you like movers so that you can carry out this plan though no contact be totally free from the abuser and start to work on your healing process it's important also to understand that you're still going to be in the cognitive dissonance quite likely when you leave and it's not going to automatically lift the moment that you leave the abuser chances are you're still going to be fighting that denial you're still gonna have moments of wanting to believe in the good in the abuser or moments of intense compassion for the abuser and what you start to doubt yourself in your decision so it's really important to immediately start working on breaking through that cognitive dissonance I have some videos on that topic I also have some podcast episodes on that topic that you can check out it's really really important that you break through this because if not chances are likely that you could go back you could have gone through all of this to leave the person have to do it all over again now if you don't know what happens when you get back in contact with the narcissist I'm gonna link that video up for you as well also keep in mind that after you get out and you're in a new environment of safety expect the TSD crash it will happen what happened is your brain and nervous system kept all that stuff in check when you had to be on in a survival situation so so much stuff was repressed and held under the surface so that you could get through that and get out of that then your system is just in a sense that you're in now a place of safety you're no longer in that abusive environment that's when everything is gonna start to come out you might even feel like you went backwards in the recovery journey but actually the stuff has to come up you have to feel it so that you can start to heal it process it unpack it and move forward so plan for that recovery time if at all possible work out a deal that you can take some time off of work to take care of yourself definitely plan to get more sleep take extra good care of yourself with nutrition with hydration and really plan for this time get help if you can if you want to see a therapist or other healers someone to help you in your recovery process talking to people even some support groups really plan for that time in advance so that you can set yourself up for success because remember the statistics say 7 times is the average amount of times that a victim returns to the abuser so I hope that this video was helpful for you if it was give it a like or leave a comment below if you want to share some insights from your experience of leaving a narcissist whether it was romantic a roommate a family member an office work kind of situation a landlord situation or anything like that go ahead and share that in the comments below I'm sure that can help someone else I'm sending you a big hug you [Music]

Channel: Inner Integration

Views: 60,032

Keywords: leaving a narcissist, how to leave a narcissistic relationship, when you leave a narcissist, divorcing a narcissist, leaving a toxic relationship, leaving a narcissistic relationship, ending a narcissistic relationship, leaving a covert narcissist, breaking up with a narcissist, leaving a narcissist husband, leaving a female narcissist, leaving a narcissist before the discard, leaving a narcissist for good, break up with a narcissist, ending a relationship with a narcissist

Id: BWbW3pLqiQo

Length: 13min 45sec (825 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 12 2019