What Is The Funniest "Smart-Ass" Comment You've Ever Heard? (r/AskReddit)

what is the funniest smartass comment you've ever heard sometimes I like to tell people I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are and then watch their face as they reason through whether I'm giving them a compliment or insulting them thank you way wait a second hey duck you in an elevator with a bunch of people going down to leave the building this guy has a really nice pipe in his mouth but it's not yet lit this lady says in a really nasty voice there's no smoking in this building the guy says lady I have an ass but I'm not farting a friend of mine was shoveling the snow out of his driveway one day when his neighbor came over while smoking a cigarette and started complaining that the smoke from my friend's chimney was drifting over to his house and causing his family breathing problems my friend said while you smoke he replied well I smoke outside and my friend said without missing a beat so does my chimney The Audacity required to come over while smoking I had a calculus teacher my senior year of high school who would go out to his car between classes to smoke one day a girl sees that his window is cracked and smoke is coming out and so goes up and knocks on the car mister what are you doing I'm electing the Pope edit explanation of punchline when electing the Pope the Cardinals release black or white smoke from their chimney to signal whether or not they have made a decision when it comes to intelligence you're definitely at the top of the bell curve it's fun to say to people who don't know what that means mom how do you kids get through so much toilet paper what are you eating brother toilet paper if you poop toilet paper do you still have to wipe this gets philosophical this is some deep [ __ ] I can't find it now but there's a reddit comment thread somewhere with a blind guy speaking about his computer setup someone says I'd love to see your keyboard and he just replies so would I ducking stunning still not as funny as the dude with short-term memory loss I have short-term memory loss ask me anything and he never came back I've told this story before I asked a very tall guy he was 6 feet 11 if he played basketball he asked me if I played miniature golf that son have you seen my phone son what does it look like that two horses ducking it's a phone son it looks like a phone [ __ ] my dad says you know you look better without your glasses on yeah you look better without my glasses on to edit to those who have pointed out that it could have been a compliment the accompanying sneer indicated that it was very much an insult dude work is going to suck tonight friend tell me something I don't know me I've seen your sister naked well let's be honest who hasn't mean but unintentionally smartass funny mister hikky was a grumpy art teacher in my junior high that had a wooden leg one day this Russian student Igor who spoke very broken English was telling a story about how he'd spent hours the night before working on his painting only to have his younger sister finger paint over it while he was away so he didn't have it mr. hacker said you're pulling my leg Igor he paused for a second and said oh no I wouldn't do that mr. hacker it would fall off the class erupted and if I remember correctly he got a few days of detention for that that some [ __ ] attention right there Igor tells only truths come to America for free speech get detention for exercise free speech is very sad there's a condom Club at OSU that gives out 50 condoms for like $5 if you join and go to a seminar the presenter was female and asks now before you have X what's the first thing you need the dude next to me a boner presenter no consent and I remember nothing else from that presentation you need consent before you get a boner well dark in high school English class we were doing a quick play-acting summary of aouda purse we chose her a few people to play out of us his mom and some other characters one of the other characters was played by a normally very reserved and quiet dude the teacher says okay start he immediately turns to Helda person says you mother duck er dude didn't even get in trouble it was so funny we did something like that in history where everyone acted like a dictator some kids Hitler I'm the Salone that sort of thing we each have a paragraph to read and it gets to my buddy's turn and he's just staring at his paper the teacher calls his name three times before he looks up and says oh I'm sorry I was just Stalin my female teacher just randomly came up to me once and said you look ugly with that beard I just said you two walking by my dad's bedroom I hear my stepmom utter the dreaded do these jeans make my ass look big a real catch-22 on one hand he likes big butts and he cannot lie on the other he knows what answer she wants to hear it was in this moment of indecision that I felt it necessary to save my father louder than it should ever be said I rang out with the jeans are fine it's all the cookies and ice cream that make your ass so big the look of horror / laughter / pride on my Pop's face made the subsequent of liggett ory grounding worth every boring minute in grade school we were at lunch and the Sun was blaring through some windows into my friend's face he gets up to fix the blinds so he could see the principal sees him and walks up and asked him what he is doing he says I thought I would adjust the blind so I could see better the principal goes on to yell at him and tell not to fix the blinds they are very expensive then proceeds to tell next time don't think I being a smartass replied guarantee how dare you think at school my parents got to meet the principal that afternoon if my kid got in trouble for saying that at school on the way from picking him up I would ask him if he wanted pizza or ice cream there are something a parent just has to back their kid on son you're grounded go play your xbox I don't have an Xbox you do now this isn't the funniest but it was a really recent one I was playing Rock of Ages and cursing at my mammoths to knock the other guys Boulder off the edge friend if you keep treating your mammoth so badly they're just going to leave you me that shouldn't be a problem I didn't name any of them his ex-girlfriend's name he demanded an apology written in cursive sidewalk cafe in San Francisco a fast walking drunk stoned wild-eyed guy grabbed a glass of wine from a guy who was seated at one of the tables then continued on the guy whose wine glass was stolen spun around in his chair and shouted I Spit on your soul the drunk stoned wild-eyed guy turned around to walk back with a few steps saying where my souls at spit evaporates before it hits who the hell's instinct reaction to that is I Spit on your soul if you were my husband I'd put poison in your tea madam if you were my wife I would drink it Winston Churchill - Lady Astor my cousin was - aunt being potty-trained she talked early and was quite intelligent the first time she pees in the toilet of her own volition her mom gets all excited oh my gosh Julia did you go potty Julia puts her little hands on her hips and says well it's not lemonade I read maybe four or five years ago about a group of friends that were all pregnant at the same time someone made the comment of there must be something in the air and someone replied yay their legs I've been holding onto it for all this time hoping to use it but no one has ever set it up for me in college and ex-girlfriend comes over to visit room mates are getting placed in the living room her and I are chilling in my bedroom she goes into living room and tells the guys it's starting to smell like weed in NC chances bedroom brilliant roommates as opposed to what masked ition and loneliness I have a buddy of mine who sometimes gets a good rage on this was one of the times he handled it perfectly I was with said friend of mine in his car he pulls into a space in the parking lot and as we get out of the car some harpie lady pulls up and rolls her window down in states hey I was going to park there I know who does this [ __ ] right seriously he plays it cool and says lady I got here first fair and square sorry she says oh no I have been driving around this lot looking for a spot and saw this one first you are going to have to move your car at this point I'm standing there just thinking what the duck again my friend states look I was here first I'm not moving my car you are going to have to find somewhere else to park stop being rude to people not exact words can't remember but he was being more polite than he should have been she says excuse me my husband is in the car an obvious threat which my friend would have handled real tough sauna bish he walks up to her car window and yells in a very loud voice at her well maybe you ought to let him Drive I started laughing so her husband starts getting out of the car my friend points right at him and says if you get out of that car I'm going to come over there and make you regret it more than marrying this poor excuse for a woman I'm serious get out and I will ducking and you the woman scoffs at us and rolls up her window drives off was ducking awesome a few years ago I was out with a friend and we were enjoying ourselves except for this one drunk guy who wouldn't leave us alone interrupting conversations being too touchy etc just being obnoxious and it was just obvious we were not interested but he wasn't taking the hint we think he's finally gone and my friend goes to light up her cigarette and he appears out of nowhere like a goddamn magician and holds a lighter up to her face in an effort to light a cigarette that wasn't there yet and he says bond James Bond cool as an Arctic cucumber my friend just lit her cigarette took a dragon said off duck off to this day I've never seen anything cooler I was at a minor hockey tournament when I was about 8 years old and my old hockey coach was sneaking a smoke in the men's room when a little boy came in and told him that smoking is bad he replied with so is talking to strangers not the best one but we will all wind up in the situation where it's needed plus it's my dad's proudest moment he was having car trouble and was blocking some douche in a convertible with two gorgeous girls in it trying to start his car this guy's honking his goddamn horn like his stocks depended on it and after a while my dad had enough dad left his car went back and told douche that my dad would happily sit there and continue the honking and whoo she could start that car instead apparently that's all that was needed for the girls to break out laughing and mr. convertible was too flabbergasted to respond anything that still brings out his smug face whenever he had enough cognac to tell this I used to work at an ice cream shop and a guy ordered two sundaes one was vanilla with chocolate syrup and another was coconut with hot fudge I gave him his sundaes rang him up and he roared back you didn't mark these how do I know which one is hot fudge and I just replied the one that's hot my boss died on the floor laughing because of my nonchalant nurse it was an accident but my friend ducked up his standard greeting when he met his girlfriend's co-worker and said oh hi I've had all but good things about you she didn't notice I've been dying to use this ever since my friend and I were supposed to have a lunch date during work instead his wife had made him a buffalo chicken sandwich to bring from home leaving me to fend for myself me pissed oh really you get your wife to make your lunch for you how about I give you a [ __ ] meat sandwich him do I look like I'm on a diet the reply of Messi's Ronaldo's comments Rinaldo told the media that he was sent by the god of football soccer that is to teach people how to play after being hassled by the press Messi immediately replies I don't remember sending him to this day in the debate Esther who is the current greatest footballer I bring up this line

Channel: Best Posts & Comments

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Keywords: r/ask reddit, r/ askreddit, best posts and comments, askreddit smart, askreddit wit, askreddit witty comments, askreddit jokes, askreddit funny

Id: EajQ5zKSIpk

Length: 13min 40sec (820 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 14 2019